Yucks Digest V6 #3 (more shorts from the backlog)

Yucks Digest                Mon,  3 Jun 96       Volume 6 : Issue   3 

Today's Topics:
                       10 lessons from The Net
              Agriculture officially assigned to women.
                       Aliens visit the planet
                     an updated summary of Usenet
                         Bits of Bull No. 338
              Ceiling Collapses at German Safety Seminar
                         Conspicuous absence
                          Domestic terrorism
                        don't try this at home
                         Everybody's doin it!
                            Expert Witness
                        Famous Potluck Dishes
            For the Impatient Gourmet -- A Pop-Open Oyster
                             Good point.
             Got a question for the American Gladiatiors?
                     Hard to use without singing.
               High quality, completely confidential...
           Iran Says World Medical Symbol Jewish-Influenced
                          It Had to be Hugh
           Lesbian Acrobats Tipped for New Edinburgh Award
                       Lost in the translation
                             Museum Info
                             Need memory?
                           NewAge software
                             Nirvana Beer
               Open Letter to the French Prime Minister
                             Pappy Pelure
                    postmaster's not here, man...
                        Procrastinator's Creed
                            QOTD (2 msgs)
                           Quote of the day
                         ROTD (Riddle Of ...)
                         Sailboat for Llamas
                       Seattle E-Mail Shorthand
                         Something for Yucks!
                     The e-mail/penis comparison
                      the future of networking 
          These creatures should be prodded, not harnessed.
                            Tip O' The Day
               Top ten list for the women's conference
                           trial by combat
                         Trvth in Advertising
                      Well, I'd guess he'd know.
                          Windshield Testing
              You just can't make up stuff like this ...

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Fri, 18 Aug 95 17:10:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@pud.wolfe.net>
Subject: .SOTD
To: Fun_People@pud.wolfe.net

From: queen@igc.apc.org (Alice)
        Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.


Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 12:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 10 lessons from The Net
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net, anneli@meyer.com

1) Don't write your password on your business card.

2) When you find a gun in your date's coat pocket, remove the clip.

3) Anyone too good to be true probably is.

4) Never send out beta software with the back door in place.

5) Don't sleep with your shrink.

6) Always introduce yourself to your next door neighbor.

7) When diagnosed HIV positive, get an anonymous confirmation before
   blowing your head off.

8) Always check your prescription labels.

9) Wear your med-alert bracelet if you're alergic to penicillin

10) Always check software for viruses before uploading it to your mainframe.


Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Agriculture officially assigned to women.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
From: ANGEL_PEREZ-HAAG@alexandria-emh1.army.mil

Here's a nice letter I read in USA Today this morning.  Hope you
like it.

The myth of female equality to men was thoroughly demolished in South
Carolina, where feminist Shannon Faulkner wimped out on her first day
at The Citadel.

Unable to tolerate a little heat, Faulkner hid in the infirmary and
even missed taking the obligatory oath.

Faulkner should now concede she is not fit to be a cadet, and she
should immediately quit The Citadel so her place can be assigned to a
qualified and worthy male.

She should then refocus her energies toward losing 35 pounds and
getting formal training in child care, cooking, gardening and like
subjects that will prepare her for her God-ordained role as a woman.

Dave Heaunley San Jose, Calif.

[Wanna bet he doesn't get any dates for the next decade or so?  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 13:13:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase)
Subject: Aliens visit the planet
To: yucks

This just in from a friend at Microsoft.  If you can't laugh at yourself,
you shouldn't work for Bill Gates (um, I mean, "who can you laugh at?" :)...

>Aliens land on the earth to study this planet's life-forms.  They first 
>come across a cat.  "What are you," they ask, "and what purpose do you 
>serve?"  The feline replies, "I am a cat, and I've been bred to be a 
>household companion and to hunt birds."  The aliens then seek out a 
>flock of birds and ask them the same question.  "We are birds," they 
>reply, "and we fly and keep the insect population under control."  So 
>the aliens find a group of insects.  "What are you," the aliens ask, 
>"and what purpose do you serve?"  The insects answer, "We're bugs, and 
>they ship us in boxes from Redmond."


Date: Tue, 5 Sep 95 12:56:44 EDT
From: kclark@ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: an updated summary of Usenet
To: spaf

I was reminded of this submission in Yucks Volume 2, Issue 9:

> Date: 2 Feb 92 00:30:05 GMT
> From: imp@solbourne.com (Warner Losh)
> Subject: A saw this in comp.unix.wizards and thought it was funny
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
> I saw this in comp.unix.wizards.  I think it belongs here...
> Warner
> From: jim@cs.strath.ac.uk (Jim Reid)
> In article <1991Dec6.023729.19328@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>
>     creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Charlie Reiman) writes:
>    Email or post, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not paying for the bandwidth.
> There it is: a summary of USENET in 14 words.

...when I saw this:

> From: duval@elpp1.epfl.ch (Basil P. Duval EPFL - CRPP 1015 Lausanne CH)
> Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc
> Subject: tkperl on LINUX and @INC error
> Date: 28 Aug 1995 19:44:29 GMT
> Hi there,
> 	ok I know I have not done my homework, but hey that's what the news
> is all about....

There it is: an updated summary of USENET in 18 words.


Date: Fri, 8 Sep 95 00:52:57 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Bits of Bull No. 338
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Excerpted-from: BONG Bull No. 338!
ABOUT THAT SPELLCHECKER. "At the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J., where
our style was to change Thursday, Friday, Saturday, etc., to yesterday,
today, tomorrow, as appropriate. One of the deskies had a key on his
terminal set up to do the search-and-replace; unfortunately, he wasn't one
of the most alert members of our craft. Thus one Saturday,  readers of the
advance TV listings were invited to tune in to the classic film, 'Never On
A Tomorrow.'" -- Peter S. Young, The New York Times (youngp(at)is.NYU.EDU).
     --  "I was editing a county commission budget story by a new reporter
who was making his first dip into municipal financing. His spell checker
had not recognized the word "millage" (which he did not know enough to avoid
in the first place!) and he -- maybe intentionally -- hit the key to accept
the computer's suggested substitution. He had written that the county had
set the annual 'pillage rate.'" -- One DodgeMA (at) aol.com.
     -- Mike Bowen (mbowen(at)nando.net) rats on the Harnett County. N.C.
Public Library, where his wife is children's librarian.  The library's
paper, the Bookbag, lost to the spell-checker in a toddler story hour item.
Instead of "toddler caregivers," the article invited all "toddler
DLButler(at)aol.com reports that the Weekly World News, the only supermarket
tab to admit up front that they make it all up, has taken up residence on
America Online.


Date: Sun, 20 Aug 95 20:07 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Ceiling Collapses at German Safety Seminar
To: spaf

    BONN, Aug 16 (Reuter) - Twelve people were injured when a seminar on
workplace safety went seriously wrong in Germany on Wednesday.

    Police said they were investigating why a plaster ceiling collapsed at
the Academy for Workplace Safety in Hennef, near Bonn. The seminar was
temporarily suspended.


Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 21:50:37 -0700
From: raymondc@microsoft.com (Raymond Chen)
Subject: Conspicuous absence
To: yucks

I heard on the radio a report on a library in Washington State which has
enacted new policies on behavior not permitted.  I didn't get the complete
list, but items I caught included

    indecently exposing oneself to another patron in the stacks
    illegal sexual activities

More interesting than the list itself is the thought of what *isn't* on
the list.  Is it okay to expose oneself to another patron in the
magazine area?  What about sexual intercourse between consenting adults?
(Maybe they placed the Kama Sutra in non-circulating reference...)


Date: Sat, 9 Sep 95 3:20:08 EDT
From: cab@col.hp.com (Chris Best)
Subject: Domestic terrorism
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

I found this blurb in a distribution message describing some of the
topics on a video magazine we have access to:

     ...It also takes an in-depth look at how HP's palmtop 
     computers have helped investigators study one of the most 
     devastating acts of domestic terrorism in U.S. history...

I didn't know that Win95 would even RUN on a palmtop.


Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 23:16:14 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: don't try this at home
To: spaf

------- Start of forwarded message -------

>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
>From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
>Subject: Re: Myopia
>Date: Wed, 23 Aug 1995 21:15:14 GMT

In article <9508222042.0T38Y04@support.com> tim.shell@support.com writes:
>Is there some way to focus this screen?  It's all blurry unless I put my nose
>right up to it.  See?  Look.  Is there a focus knob on my computer?  I looked,
>but I can't find any.  Thanks for your help.

If you pop the back off your monitor, you will find a small setscrew
marked "focus" on the side of the high voltage cage.  This adjusts the
potential on the first accelerator grid and therefore the size of the
electron beam.  Put a metal screwdriver into it and adjust it for 
optimum clarity.  Be sure to use your other hand to hold the CRT 
anode cap and make sure it doesn't move around at all while you are adjusting

[...Be sure your hands are wet, too.  If you survive the procedure, you
will notice that everything is focused about the same now.... --spaf]


Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 13:02:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Everybody's doin it!
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwraded-by: Joshua_Putnam <josh@WOLFE.net>

From: Mark Dantche
Subject: Procter and Gamble has Diarrhea

Diarrhea.com that is.

Early in August, Procter and Gamble starting registering most of their
trademarked product names as commercial domains.  In the last two weeks they
moved onto ailments (headache.com), afflictions (diarrhea.com) and body
parts (underarms.com).

You can get the complete list via http://www.webcom.com/~walsh

Alternatively, just think of a common malady and do a "whois

Please P&G!!! Do not put up a graphically intensive site.

[According the above URL, during early August Kraft registered  133 names
 including Velveeta and Sanka; P&G grabbged Luvs and Metamucil; then Kraft
 started doing things like `cereals.com', `beverages.com' and P&G started
 grabbing ailments, afflications and body parts. -Pardo]


Date: 10 Sep 95 20:57:56 PST
From: bstaranto@csupomona.edu
Subject: Expert Witness
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc,rec.radio.scanner

I'm looking for a communications expert to gather data, document and then
testify in court. I need someone to identify the frequency (bandwidth) my
thoughts are broadcasted on. The transmission must be traced back to the
repeaters and ultimatly the source.

Testamony of the transmission and what was personally heard must be included
and fees for your services will be paid at time of settlement in dirrect
proportion to the settlement. I suspect if you do your job correctly the
settlement (and your fees) will be substantial enough to travel from other
states to perform your task.

[Hmm, for that particular testimony, I think you will need fees to cover
transportation from another dimension.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 30 Aug 95 13:06:22 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Famous Potluck Dishes
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

[Here's a mysterious little item; it came with no introduction, but is  
obviously a list of dishes that famous people might bring to a potluck.  The  
original title implied a contest, but I don't see any contest here except  
perhaps for bad taste (always a worthy goal in a potluck dish).  -psl]

Forwarded-by: danpeck@panix.com (Dan Peck)
Forwarded-by: Sapoznik@aol.com

   Marquis deSade - Reddi-Whip
   Norman Mailer - Postum
   Yves St Laurent - French Dressing
   David Lynch - Velveeta
   Alan Dershowitz- Tortellini and Tortillas
   William Casey - New England Covert Dish
   George Steinbrenner - Strawberry-Rhubarb Crumble
   Wade Boggs - Cranberry Relish
   Mickey Mantle - Chopped Liver

   And more obscure ones:
   Orlando diLasso - Western Omelette
   Alexander Fleming - Jello Mold
   Captain Dreyfus - Gorgonzola


Date: Sun, 10 Sep 95 17:56 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: For the Impatient Gourmet -- A Pop-Open Oyster
To: spaf

    PARIS, Sept 5 (Reuter) - A French inventor has found a way to fit
oysters with pop-open tabs.

    A French company called Read has swung into production and says it
expects expects 50 million "ringed" oysters to be sold in France this winter.

    "The process could change the habits of daily life,"  inventor Yves
Renaut, an unemployed engineer, told the newspaper Liberation. "You can
go home and eat oysters straight away, just as you would serve yourself
a slice of salmon."

    Before being sold, live oysters are dipped into a salty bath, which
makes them temporarily open up. A wire fitted with a handy plastic tab
is looped around the powerful muscle with which the stubborn bivalve
keeps its shell tightly shut.

    Instead of struggling with an oyster knife, the oyster-lover yanks
on the tab.

    The wire snaps the muscle and the shell pops open.

    "It's totally natural," Olivier Potereau, an official at Read, told
Reuters on Tuesday.

[This deserves some comment, but I can't think of what it should be.  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 24 Aug 1995 04:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

Glenn Sheeley of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution asked Mickey Mantle
three years ago how much money he thought he would be making if he were
still playing. "Oh, about half a million," Mantle said. "What do you
mean, half a million? Sheeley responded. 'Guys are getting six or seven
million a year." "Yeah," Mantle said, "but I'm 60 years old." (S.F.

Yogi Berra on Mantle's switch-hitting: "He was naturally amphibious."

"During my 18 years," Mantle said, "I came to bat almost 10,000 times. I
struck out about 1,700 times and walked maybe 1,800 times. You figure a
ballplayer will average about 500 at bats a season. That means I played
seven years without ever hitting a ball." (S.F. Chronicle)

After Reggie Jackson passed Mantle on the all-time home run list, Mantle
was asked for a reaction. "He passed me on the all-time strikeout list a
couple of years ago," he said, "and nobody asked me about that." (S.F.


Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 04:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Got a question for the American Gladiatiors?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>


Got a question for the American Gladiatiors?

	Ask A Gladiator
	10203 Santa Monica Bvd.
	Los Angeles, CA

--Pat "which goes better with fish, bovine steroids or human growth hormone?"


Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hard to use without singing.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Paul Borman <prb@bsdi.com>

The last 2 lines of the last page of section 1 of the Plan 9 manual:

	    It's hard to use this command without singing.


Date: Tue, 29 Aug 95 13:38:42 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: High quality, completely confidential...
To: spaf

Subject: Re: *** HOT XXX Adult Products & Videos -- Free Catalog ***
Newsgroup: ont.personals.whips.and.rubber.chickens

>Anyone have experience buying RCs from this company?

I have vast amounts of experience buying from this company, under the
pseudonym Nikolaus Maack.

I bought their Thumper IV model Penis Expander, and my first complaint is
that it did not come in the plain brown wrapper that they promised.
Instead it arrived in a box lavishly adorned with advertisements for cock
rings.  Later on, I bought their StretchMan "Charles Atlas" model Penis
Expander, but I was deeply disatisfied with its performance, the gyroscope
always needs to be replaced, and the mazola emits a foul burning smell when
you have the Stretchman on the "puree" setting.

I also bought this company's "Little Suzie" blow-up doll, which promised
"full life-like lips" and genuine recordings for audio stimulation.  The
full life-like lips are in fact, prunes, and the audio recordings are
surplussed Teddy Ruxpin stories.

Giving this company the benefit of the doubt, I subsequently bought their
"Edible Condom" (which broke), their "Mistress Eva stretch pants" (which
rode up) and their "C++ compiler" (which did not link properly with

I hope this gives you some idea of the company you are dealing with, and if
you plan on buying a rubber chicken from them, expect it to be made of the
cheapest synthetics, not speak properly, and arrive at your neighbor's
house in gift-wrapping covered with advertisements for "Hot Lips"

[Not to mention lacking the necessary stddef.h file....  --spaf]


Date: Sun, 10 Sep 95 17:56 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Iran Says World Medical Symbol Jewish-Influenced
To: spaf

    TEHRAN, Sept 5 (Reuter) - The Iranian parliament said on Tuesday the
international medical symbol was Jewish- and Freemason-inspired and urged
Iran's medical organisation to cure the problem by designing a new one.

    "The snake is a symbol of Jewish power...and the staff is a sign of
Freemasonry," Mashhad deputy Hossein Fattahi, a general surgeon, said in a
debate broadcast live on Tehran radio.

    Tehran deputy Ali Movahedi Saveji, a Moslem cleric, backed the amendment
rejecting the international symbol, called the caduceus, saying: "I am
amazed: What do a snake and a sword have to do with medicine?"

    Speaker Ali Akbar Nateq-Nouri. who unsuccessfully opposed the move,
said, "Doctor Keyvani says the snake has never been a symbol of Jewish
power and he speaks as the representative of this minority."

    He was referring to Kouros Keyvani, a dentist, who is one of five
deputies representing Iran's religious minorities.

    In Greek mythology, the caduceus was the staff carried by Hermes,
messenger of the gods. In earlier cultures the snakes symbolised fertility,
wisdom and healing.

[Sounds like some of our fundamentalists decrying "satanic" symbolism in
advertising, eh?  Too bad we can't do a shuffle exchange and put all
the ultra-religious wingnuts in one country where they can burn every
book and avoid every symbol.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 21 Aug 95 13:41:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@pud.wolfe.net>
Subject: It Had to be Hugh
To: Fun_People@pud.wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu Wed Aug 2 09:55 PDT 1995
Forwarded-by: Shannon Michael

                          It Had to be Hugh
                 (to the tune of, "It Had to be You")
                          It had to be Hugh,
                          It had to be Hugh,
                          Who blew into town,
                           Met Divine Brown,
                           Said "Howja do,"
                        Then waved in her view
                          A twenty, then two,
                          And gave her a free
                           Ride in his BMW.
                         Now Hugh's in a stew,
                    The trades think he's through,
                          His lady-love, too,
                         Pressed for her view,
                         Mutters, "Hugh Who?"
                   But nobody else outed the Brits:
           Before he got caught, we thought them all flits.
                       Who proved it ain't true?
                           Give him his due:
                          It had to be Hugh.
                          It had to be huge,
                          It had to be huge,
                           I just saw Divine
                            On Channel Nine
                           Fixing her rouge.
                         Hugh, take my advice:
                      She ain't worth the price.
                        The next time you lust,
                          Why don't you just
                          Phone Heidi Fleiss?
                           A pity you can't
                          Be like Cary Grant,
                         Who, when he got hot,
                        Called Randolph Scott--
                          Quelle rendezvous.
             Still, it takes a mensch in this day and age
               To blow O.J. Simpson off the front page.
                       You showed you got guts,
                             Also a putz,
                        That dangles from Hugh


Date: Sun, 20 Aug 95 20:07 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Lesbian Acrobats Tipped for New Edinburgh Award
To: spaf

    EDINBURGH, Aug 17 (Reuter) - A group of Australian lesbian trapeze
artists are hot favourites for a new fringe award in  Edinburgh -- a
"Moira" for the most outrageous show at the world's largest arts festival.

    The award is named after Conservative city councillor Moira Knox,
noted for regular, unsuccessful, attacks on what she regards as obscene,
blasphemous, disgusting or immoral acts.

    Past targets included the Jim Rose Circus whose performance included
a man lifting weights with his penis. This year she condemned, without
seeing them, Australia's Club Swing-Appetite as a "dirty-minded disgrace".

    The female acrobats plastered her comment across their publicity
posters and are drawing capacity audiences to a late night show billed
as a feast of food, sex and orgasmic trapeze.

    "Any group Moira Knox condemns is laughing all the way to the bank,"
said a spokesman for Regular Music, the impresarios giving the award on
Thursday. "A sticker saying `disapproved of by Moira Knox' is a sure-fire
way to sell tickets."

    The first "Moira", a look-alike miniature doll, will be awarded next
week, halfway through the annual festival.


Date: Wed, 23 Aug 95 19:30:03 EDT
From: greywolf@tomcat.vas.viewlogic.com ((This is my bacque pas, this is my faux pas))
Subject: Lost in the translation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

{ Some of this is as told to me by a friend who got it from somewhere
  off TV; the rest is original.  You get to figure out which is which. }

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the
first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the
actual "first page" of the Bible.  When deciphered, it read:

	"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God.  All Rights Reserved
	 First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-
	 Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

	 All beings, places and events depicted in this work are
	 fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places
	 and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

	 WARNING:  Some of the actions performed in this work are
	 dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals
	 familiar with the action in question.

	 NOTE:  Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark
	 are called 'stars'.  Some of them do blow up on occasion.  In
	 no way should this be construed as a sign that there is,
	 beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour.  Should such a
	 misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible
	 for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity
	 and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of
	 the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase
	 the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

	 DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

	 Suggested retail: 1 sheep."


Date: Sun, 3 Sep 95 11:16:54 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Museum Info
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

From: Robert.Reynolds@Reed.EDU (Robert Reynolds)

The new "Museum of Rock and Roll" was designed by the famous architect I. M.
Pei; if it is successful, the developers will folow it with a "Museum of Rap
and Soul," scheduled to be designed by his brother, I. B. Pei. 


Date: Wed, 30 Aug 1995 13:35:43 -0600
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Need memory?
Newsgroups: boulder.general,co.ads,co.general
To: spaf

In news article <422b62$89v@ncar.ucar.edu> ren@rap.ucar.edu wrote:

=> Which reminds me of something Larry Klein wrote once in his
=> audio column in Stereo Review...
=> 	The cops had been summoned to a bar to check on a suspicous
=> character.  He was selling stereo equipment out of the trunk of
=> his car.  The stereo equipment had cut patch and power cords.
=> When the cops questioned him, they found he was a licensed dealer
=> for the equipment and even had a street vendors permit.
=> He'd found he could get better prices selling to people who thought
=> they were buying 'hot' equipment!
=> And he didn't have to do warranty work or installation either!


Date: Sat, 9 Sep 95 13:07:07 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: NewAge software
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

[NewAge probably rhymes with SewAge...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: rec.humor.funny:

According to an article in Federal Computer Week, software
companies have adopted the term "OOBE" to describe the
first impressions customers have to their new products -
meaning "Out Of Box Experience."


Date: Sun, 27 Aug 95 19:30:03 EDT
From: trey@brs.com (Trey Jones)
Subject: Nirvana Beer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

I heard this this morning from a caller on Z-Rock (a national rock music
radio station):

Did you hear about the new Seattle brand of beer created in honor of Kurt
Cobain? It's bitter and has no head.


Date: Mon, 21 Aug 95 13:34:29 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@pud.wolfe.net>
Subject: Open Letter to the French Prime Minister
To: Fun_People@pud.wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu Sat Aug 5 17:40 PDT 1995
Forwarded-by: pedregal@eon.cs.umass.edu (Cris Pedregal Martin)

 Here's an open letter to M. Jacques Chirac published in an Australian

 Mon cher Jack

 Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique
 avec le Frog bombes nuclears.  Je reckon vous must have un spot in La
 Belle France itself pour les explosions.  Le Massive Central?  Le Quay
 d'Orsay?  Le Champs Elysees?  Votre own back yard, peut etre?

 Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport!  La guerre cold est fini!  Votres
 forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beacoup as poisson
 need les bicyclettes.

 Un autre point, cobber.  Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash,
 consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt,
 Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien Bien Phu.  Un
 bombe won't change le tradition.  Je/mon pere/ mon grand pere/le
 cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre
 soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One).  Have vous forgotten?

 Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de
 l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French"
 - will be heard un autre temps.

 Votre chums don't want that.



Date: Fri, 8 Sep 95 01:13:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Pappy Pelure
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

    A lawman walks into a saloon and asks the barkeep "Did a bad man that  
calls himself Pappy Pelure come through here?"  The barkeep says "I don't  
know; what's he wearing?"  "He's got a big paper hat, brown paper vest, black  
cardboard boots, dirty white tissue paper shirt, and floppy paper pants."   
"Gee, what's he wanted for?"  "Rustling."


Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 21:39:04 +0300
From: Ury Segal <ury@CS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject: PC's
To: spaf

In the PC world, It's plug-and-pray.


Date: Sat, 9 Sep 1995 16:37:12 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: postmaster's not here, man...
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

Someone on a mailing list said...
Mail from postmaster tells me that postmaster is a bad address, but if I have
further questions, I should write to postmaster:

 From krypton.ucs.indiana.edu!postmaster Sat Sep  9 15:18:35 1995
 Return-Path: <postmaster@krypton.ucs.indiana.edu>
[Received: headers deleted]
 From: Mail Delivery System <postmaster@krypton.ucs.indiana.edu>
 To: <nevermind>
 Date:    Sat, 9 Sep 95 15:16:20 EST5
 Subject: Delivery failure notification
 Message-Id: <C690E0E76@krypton.ucs.indiana.edu>

 With reference to your message with the subject:
    "Re: Delivery failure notification"

 One or more addresses in your message have failed with the following
 responses from the mail transport system:

    Error getting mailbox information for postmaster.

 Should you need assistance, please mail postmaster@krypton.ucs.indiana.edu.

 -------------------- Returned message follows ---------------------

[copy of my letter followed]

That is fodder for a lifetime of Hoosier jokes.

[As if there weren't enough already!  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 23 Aug 95 16:43:00 -0600
From: A contributor
Subject: Procrastinator's Creed
To: spaf

                    Procrastinator's Creed

 1.  I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
       been done already.

 2.  I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
       find excuses.

 3.  I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

 4.  I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
       the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
       missing them.

 5.  I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
       new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from
       my obligations.

 6.  I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
       regardless of the amount of time given.

 7.  I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
       though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

 8.  If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

 9.  I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
       decide to change my mind.

 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
       and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
       the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant
       the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish,
       but is wait/plan/plan.

 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
       about forever.

 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed
       Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 16:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: stripes@va.pubnix.com (Josh M. Osborne)
Forwarded-by: Timothy C. May

Printer's ink has been running a race against gunpowder these
many, many years.  Ink is handicapped, in a way, because you
can blow up a man with gunpowder in half a second, while it may
take twenty years to blow him up with a book.  But the gunpowder
destroys itself along with its victim, while a book can keep on
exploding for centuries.
		-- Chistopher Morley, "The Haunted Bookshop"


Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>

Studies by foreign countries have shown that all-day transmission
has been a major cause of obesity and plunge in productivity level.
We have observed our viewing pattern and do not wish to take risks.

	-- Malaysia's Information Minister Mohamed Rahmat, on why
	   an independent TV station there was denied permission
	   to broadcast 24 hours a day.


Date: Sat, 26 Aug 1995 05:50:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
 Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

 - Groucho Marx

    Submitted by:   "Darin S. Lory" <p00403@psilink.com>
                    May. 25, 1995

[That's why Christopher Morley suggested exploding books.  --spaf]


Date: Sat, 9 Sep 95 03:20:40 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: ROTD (Riddle Of ...)
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

From: Ninafel@aol.com

Q:  What do you call 15 naked men stacked on top of each other?
A:  A scrotum pole.


Date: Fri, 18 Aug 1995 11:04:17 -0600
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Rumor
To: bostic@bsdi.com

Craig Shergold is attempting to get in the Guinness World Book of
Records by collecting the largest number of AOL demo disks.

[Personally, I am disappointed that AOL is now sending out CD-ROMs
instead of diskettes. However, CD-ROMs are more spectacular in the
microwave....  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 15:50:21 -0700
From: "Dave Brennan (Exchange)" <dbrennan@microsoft.com>
Subject: Sailboat for Llamas
To: "'spaf@cs.purdue.edu'" <spaf>

>From the classifieds section of "48 North" (a monthly sailing magazine 
produced in Seattle):

                SAILBOAT WANTED

Trade your 30' + sailboat preferably for female
llamas, 24' RV or possibly 5 acres of Hood River
land. Call (503) 352-6467.


Date: Wed, 23 Aug 95 12:15:55 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Seattle E-Mail Shorthand
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
From: _The Seattle Times, Sunday, August 20, 1995.

	   Seattle Gets Own E-mail Shorthand
	By Jean Godden -- Times Staff Columnist

With electronic mail becoming more common-place, Internet newcomers are
discovering messages laced with the Net's own version of alphabet soup:
BTW for "by the way," IMHO for "in my humble opinion," FAQ for
"frequently asked questions."

Once novices get comfortable with these shortcuts, they probably will
want some only-in-Seattle versions.  KPLU's Greg Coe recently drew up a
list, among them:

        ABL, short for "another Boeing layoff."
        AMM, for "another Microsoft millionaire."
        BTBB:  "Bad traffic, both bridges."
        CBC:  "Catered by Costco."
        HONPR:  "Heard on National Public Radio."
        LLL:  "Looks like lutefisk."
        MBFC:  "Must be from California."
        MBFF:  "Must be from Fremont."
        RLNJW:  "Real locals never jaywalk."
        SSBB:  "Seattle sushi, Ballard bait."
        TMOT:  "The mountain's out today."
        WONE:  "Was on Northern Exposure."
        YAPP:  "Yet another Patches Pal."


Date: Fri, 25 Aug 1995 17:07:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: Deborah Frincke <frincke@cs.uidaho.edu>
Subject: Something for Yucks!
To: spaf

Forwarded message:
> Top Ten Anagrams for "Netscape Communications"
> ----------------------------------------------
>  10. Companies can't consume it
>   9. I cannot compute sans mice
>   8. Can't access 'net... I'm on opium
>   7. Um, options scam can entice
>   6. Net's uncommon capacities
>   5. Connect communities, ASAP
>   4. Mosaic IPO, etc., can stun men
>   3. Optimum 'net access: An icon
>   2. Connect it up; amass income
> And the number one anagram for "Netscape Communications":
> *********!
>   1. Mosaic, minus neat concept
> Copyright (c) 1995 by the author, Mike Morton <mikeATmikemortonDOTcom>. All rights
> reserved. You may reproduce this, in whole or in part, in any form provided
> you retain this paragraph unchanged.


Date: Sat, 26 Aug 95 15:43:56 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@pud.wolfe.net>
To: Fun_People@pud.wolfe.net

[I'd jump at this in a second if it were anywhere around here... -psl]

Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com> (George Osner)
Forwarded-by: FringeWare Daily <email@fringeware.com>
Forwarded-by: jim@Tadpole.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: schwartzt@delphi.com

      Huge underground homes are available in the form of de-commisioned
Nuclear Missile Bases!   With over 15,000 square feet of floorspace, all
built to withstand nuclear blast and 30 or so acres of surrounding land,
the serious homesteader, the dedicated survivalist group, person needing
large storage, church or just a single family wanting to get away from it
all would be well served to investigate this special offering. Also of
mention is the fact that these structures require little heating and no
air conditioning, due to the earth over construction.  Small industry is
possible due to a large drive in shop area. The shop area is joined to a
second building by a 100 foot long tunnel, so renting the shop end to a
business and living in the lower building would be possible.

      Located in Kansas (close to Kansas City) where the cost of living
is low and the problems of the big city are far away, these properties
are being offered starting at about the price of two or three new cars.
The government only built so many of these and once they are gone, no
more will be built!

      For more information about how you could own these magnificent
underground estates please call  Tim at (913) 273-0452 or Ed at (913)
256-6029. Before 10pm Central Time!  If you get an answering machine,
please leave your name, # and area code so we can respond as soon as




Date: Tue, 22 Aug 95 13:36:39 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: The e-mail/penis comparison
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

[In case you don't remember this (or the internet/penis comparison)... -psl]

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: arminius@nature.berkeley.edu
Forwarded-by: spike@interpac.net

Why e-mail is like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don't.  Those who have it would be devastated if
it were ever cut off.  They think that those who don't have it are somehow
inferior.  They think it gives them power.  They are wrong.  Those who
don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the
fuss made over it by those who do have it.  Still, many of those who don't
have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
interaction very seriously; others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's hard
to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread

It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than what its actual size
and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will
warp you behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will do
the same damn dumb things it did before.


Date: Mon, 11 Sep 95 09:35:13 EDT
From: kclark@ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: the future of networking 
To: spaf

I thought that you'd like to take a glimpse at the future of

> Date: Sat, 9 Sep 95 09:24:53 UT
> From: "KD Clark" <xazman@msn.com>
> To: "'kclark@koan.ctron.com'" <kclark@koan.ctron.com>
> Subject: is this me, or just same name?
> me or you at kclark@koan.ctron.com, if not me please mail me back what my 
> address is. cant the option in win95 to tell me my email address.

I am not making this up!  This is real email that I received -- the
mail headers even looked reasonable.  My name is "Kevin D. Clark" and
this person's name is "KD Clark".  I have no idea of how this person
got my name or email address -- maybe he or she got this from some of
my recent posts to Usenet. 

Think about this -- this is totally whacko.  And I thought AOL was bad... 

[At least I haven't heard from a Gene Spafford.  Yet.  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: These creatures should be prodded, not harnessed.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@farside.sj.unisys.com>

		NAS Special Presentation 

Speakers:	Sekhar Sarukkai, Recom Technologies
		Rob Van der Wijngaart, MCAT Incorporated
		NASA Ames Research Center

Topic:		Prodding for Parallel Program Performance
		(Techniques and Tools for Performance Tuning of
		Parallel and Distributed Scientific Applications)

Abstract:	Many papers on high-performance computing talk about
		harnessing the power of parallel machines, as if
		there were this uncontrollable source--like nuclear
		fusion--under the slick surface of the computer,
		ready to be unleashed. But there are no rampant
		compute demons running around inside such machines.
		Instead, machines are akin to a bunch of
		happy-go-lucky elves who take their time chatting
		and twiddling their thumbs. These creatures should
		be prodded, not harnessed.

		This presentation discusses where and how to apply
		the parallel performance prods. The first part of the
		presentation categorizes scientific applications in
		terms of data accesses and data dependencies; important
		factors influencing performance of some representative
		examples are considered. In the second part, techniques
		for node code and parallel (message-passing) code
		optimizations are discussed systematically. The third
		and final part presents application of available tools
		in measuring and tuning program performance.

		Note: This presentation is a compressed version of
		a tutorial that the speakers will present at the
		International Parallel Processing Symposium `95.
		Also note the extended time.

[When prodding, use a long stick -- processors byte.  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 24 Aug 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tip O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: bae@netapp.com (Brian Ehrmantraut)

>>> An actual "tip of the day" from Microsoft Word in Office 95:
>>> "Plaid shirts and striped pants rarely make a positive fashion statement."
>> At least in the previous Boring Old 16-Bit Version of MS Office, one can
>> pull up a help file with all of the Tips of the Day (I forget how Brian
>> pulled it up); there's a section at the end of tips that have nothing to
>> do with MS Word that contains that tip, and some other ones.

It's under the "Fun and inspirational tips" section of the "more tips"
sub menu of the tips menu of the help menu.  It contains:

Fun and inspirational tips

	If you do your best, whatever happens will be for the best.
	Things that go away by themselves can come back by themselves.
	Plaid shirts and striped pants rarely make a positive fashion statement.
	You should never dive into murky waters.
	It's never too late to learn to play the piano.
	You can hurt yourself if you run with scissors.
	You should never look directly at the sun.


Date: Thu, 7 Sep 95 13:40:14 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Top ten list for the women's conference
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: squeeze@omni.voicenet.com (Bob Stein)
From: the letterman show 9/6/95


10. "Hey Reno, you left the seat up again"

 9. "Don't shove -- you'll all get a chance to slap Bob Packwood"

 8. "Anna Nicole Smith sure seems to be warming up to Deng Xiao Peng"

 7. "Are the men gone? Okay -- bring out the Tupperware!"

 6. "Is it true that every American woman must sleep with
    President Clinton?"

 5. "You used to date Martina?  I used to date Martina!"

 4. "And now for your entertainment pleasure -- the Chippendale
    Dissident Dancers!"

 3. "Hi, I'm Larry King, here's my phone number, how do you do,
    I'm Larry King, here's my number"

 2. "Mrs. Mandela, quit hogging the cookie dough"

 1. "What's Richard Simmons doing here?"


Date: Tue, 22 Aug 1995 17:39:23 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: trial by combat
To: spaf

This could make thesis defenses in Maryland pretty interesting.

--Pat "I refute you thusly! <*clang*>"

[the following is lightly edited]

>From: mgallehe@nova.umuc.edu (MJG)
>Newsgroups: misc.legal.moderated
>Subject: Re: Modern applications of ancient precedents
>Date: 19 Aug 1995 23:13:57 -0400
>Message-ID: <41699l$jlu@panix.com>

There is a Judge of our local District court (who taught me Tort Law
at the local College) who is of the opinion that Trial By Combat
remains a valid form of Ajudicating disputes in MD and as a lawyer he
actually entered a prayer for trial by combat (it was denied, and his
client was acquited so he never bothered the appeal).  His reasoning
is thus:

1) A part of the Maryland Constitution defines the common law of
Maryland as the Common Law of England as of July 4, 1776

2) In A celebrated case in England in the 1850's a litigant who was
due to lose a huge case in desperation issued a challenge for trial by
combat to his opponents and showed up in front of the courthouse in
full armor at the appointed time.  When the other side failed to show
up he demanded (and got) a victory by default.  A reluctant judge
concluded that since it never been altered by statute, trial by combat
was still a valid part of English Common Law.  An emergency session of
Parliment was called the next week to formally outlaw the practice
once and for all.

3) Maryland however, never followed suit, so technically Trial by combat 
remains "on the books" of MD Common Law...

I can't wait to try this sometime....


Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 09:42:51 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Trvth in Advertising
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

Robin D Wilson <robin@pencom.com> said:

This isn't really political -- but perhaps we should call for some government  
regulation here:

My new "product" is a new, colossal -- 75 inch* (diagonal) -- video monitor  
for computers.  I'm going to call it the "video wall".  It will be much  
brighter than normal 75 inch monitors**, and will provide a fabulous 1024x768  
resolution at an incredible 60Hz refresh rate (no flicker here!).  In fact,  
using it's Trinitron tube it will have an amazing .26mm dot pitch, and be able  
to scan at the unbelievable range of multisynchronous frequencies from 31.5  
to 32 Khz.  This will be the single most advanced monitor I've ever  

All this, for only $6000!  (Can you believe it?)

robin -- "Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased
          line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."

(*)	12.1 inch viewable area.  The rest of the 62.9 inches comes from the
	world's largest "bezel" -- that plastic cover over/around the Tube...

(**)	There are no other 75 inch monitors

(***)	I've never marketed any other monitor.


Date: Mon, 21 Aug 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, I'd guess he'd know.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

When it comes to... important matters, you can usually count on a
jerk.  Because in order to survive in a society that values style over
substance, a jerk has to know what he's doing.  While guys with seamless
personalities can coast on their charisma, uncourtly types have to
work harder than everyone else... We should all learn a lesson from
Barry Bonds and take a singular, unrelenting -- and yes, sometimes
even selfish -- approach to life... Sometimes, in truth,  it pays to
be a jerk.
		-- Greg Gutfield in "Be a Jerk," an essay in
		   Men's Health Magazine.


Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 12:47:17 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Windshield Testing
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)
Forwarded-by: Stephan Somogyi <somogyi@digmedia.com>

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead
chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it.  If the
windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a
bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train
faster than any before it.  They were not sure that its windshield was
strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to
approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in a dead chicken,
and fired.  The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's
chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check
the test to see if everything was done correctly.  The FAA checked
everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a
thawed chicken.


Date: Mon, 21 Aug 1995 02:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You just can't make up stuff like this ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: "Debbie Greenberg" <DEBBIEG@xdb.com>

A real reason to keep the neighborhood hardware store alive.
(Hechinger's is like Home Depot 0r Builder's Square -- a
megastore of hardware.)

From: "Jamie MacDonald" <XDB2/JAMIE>

  I'm at Hechingers, looking for a lawnmower blade sharpener.  I 
can't find one, so I have the Lawn & Garden person paged.  I tell 
her what I'm looking for and she goes "I don't know" and leads me 
back to where I already looked.  Not finding one, she says "No, I 
guess we don't.  Have you tried a hardware store?"

[I've had the same thing happen at a Lowes locally.  They have
been averaging about 50% on the things I've sought there.  --spaf]


End of Yucks Digest