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Yucks Digest V5 #2 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 11 Jan 95 Volume 5 : Issue 2
Today's Topics:
... the only relief in sight from the cumbersome DOS program
Addition to Devil's DP Dictionary
boy, what a hangover ....
check out http://www.ama.caltech.edu/~mrm/kirk.html
Emily Post Daemon
Ethernets would seem to be bad, but perhaps token-rings are OK?
From a Unisys Web page
Hey, keep that Occam's Razor away from me! :)
How should a revision level be interpreted?
It's fun when cultures collide (please be free to touch me)
joke submission
JOTD (2 msgs)
Let me know ASAP if you're interested.
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
More Amusing highway signs
more evil web stuff from Caltech
More Gates bashing
Place your bets, sounds like God wants the Packers to win
QOTD (2 msgs)
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
RISKS DIGEST 16.70
Run On Sentence Of The Day
Santa's checkride
she is an exotic lover ...
Signature line of the day
spaf
Spurious news flash!
Tech Support Nietzche Style
The BBC is not amused
Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 10:27:08 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... the only relief in sight from the cumbersome DOS program
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tlb@endor.harvard.edu
What P.T. Barnum earned by convincing everybody in the nation that they
just _had_ to buy a ticket to see Jumbo the elephant amounts to peanuts
compared to the billions that Bill Gates of Microsoft has taken in from
sales of Windows, a big, expensive, and (in its early versions) clunky
imitation of the Macintosh graphical user interface. What made so many
people rush to buy Windows? Gates made it seem like the only relief in
sight from the cumbersome DOS program he had foisted upon his customers
in the first place.
-- Theodore Roszak, in his book, The Cult of Information
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 95 4:30:03 EST
From: everyman@too.many.sites.edu
Subject: Addition to Devil's DP Dictionary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Computing Center [n] In a University, that organization whose functions are
1) To impede wherever possible the development and usefulness of computing
on the campus, 2) To gain the lion's share of funding, spend it largely on
obolete and otherwise inappropriate Solutions, and convince the campuse(s)
wherever possible to expend their meager funds on the same, and 3) to
oppose vigorously any new, useful and popular technology for ten years or
more until nearly everyone on the campus(es) and elsewhere in the world is
using it, then to adopt that technology and immediately attempt to gain
complete and sole control of it [see MS-DOS, UNIX, ETHERNET, INTERNET].
Name Witheld By Request <everyman@too.many.sites.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Jan 1995 19:03:03 +0100
From: chytil@austria.eu.net (Chytil Georg)
Subject: boy, what a hangover ....
To: spaf
A 37 year old attorney, while celebrating New Year and observing
fireworks on the open street in the City of Vienna, suddenly felt a
sharp pain in his head. He paid no notice to it immediately since it
ceased anyway, but went to the hospital next evening after being
advised to do so by his brother in law, a pulmonary specialist. He was
X-rayed and found to be housing a 7.65 mm projectile, which obviously
had been fired during the fireworks, travelled up and straight down
again, entered the skull on the top left and travelled it's way down
near to the upper jawbone, where it was found in the arcus zygomaticus.
He left the hospital the next day and will retain no permanent damage.
Vienna newspaper "Der Standard", Jan 2nd issue, usually quite a respectable
source -- yet it was reported by other Viennese newspaper that same day as
well ....
[Good thing he didn't ask for a double shot... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 15:56:53 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: check out http://www.ama.caltech.edu/~mrm/kirk.html
To: spaf
It's got sound clips off of William Shatner's 1968 album "The
Transformed Man". Don't miss his stirring rendition of "Lucy on the
Sky with Diamonds".
"look...for the girl...with...the sun...in her eyes...and...she's...gone"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Jan 1995 18:46:42 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Emily Post Daemon
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
From: steele@convex.com (Bruce W. Steele)
Subj: Emily Post Daemon
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 95 20:32
Dear Net-Mail User:
Your mailbox has just been rifled by EmilyPost, an autonomous
courtesy-worm chain program released in October 2036 by an anonymous
group of net subscribers in western Alaska.
[ - ref: sequestered confession 592864 =2376298.98634,
deposited with Bank Leumi 10/23/36:20:34:21.
Expiration-disclosuer 10 years.
Under the civil disobedience sections of the Charter of Rio, we accept
in advance the fines and penalties that will come due when our
confession is released in 2046. However we feel that's a small price
to pay for the message brought to you by EmilyPost.
In brief, dear friend, your are not a very polite person. EmilyPost's
synatax analysis subroutines show that a very high fraction of your
net exchanges are heated, vituperative, even obscene.
Of course you enjoy free speach. But EmilyPost has been designed by
people who are concerned about the recent trend toward excessive
nastiness in some parts of the net. EmilyPost homes in on folks like
you and begins by asking them to please consider the advantages of
politeness.
For one thing, your credibility ratings would rise. (EmilyPost has
has checked your favorite bulletin boards, and finds your ratings
aren't high at all. Nobody is listening to you!) Moreover,
consider that courtesy can foster calm reason, turning shrill
antagonism into useful debate and even consensus.
We suggest introducing an automatic delay to your mail system.
Communications are so fast these days, people seldom stop and think.
Some net users act like mental patients who shout out anything that
comes to mind, rather than as functioning citizens with the human
gift of tact.
If you wish, you may use one of the public-domain delay programs
included in this version of EmilyPost, free of charge.
Of course, should you insist on continuing as before, disseminating
nastiness in all directions, we have equipped EmilyPost with
other options you'll soon find out about.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 09:43:47 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ethernets would seem to be bad, but perhaps token-rings are OK?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Newsgroups: comp.arch,comp.parallel
From: Henry Baker <hbaker@netcom.com>
Subject: Speculative execution illegal in some countries???
Found in the Encyclopedia Britannica, 1994:
The Islamic law of transactions as a whole is dominated by the doctrine
of riba. Basically, this is the prohibition of usury, but the notion of
riba was rigorously extended to cover, and therefore preclude, any form
of interest on a capital loan or investment. And since this doctrine was
coupled with the general prohibition on gambling transactions, Islamic
law does not, in general, permit any kind of _speculative_ transaction
the results of which, in terms of the material benefits accruing to the
parties, cannot be precisely forecast. [emphasis supplied]
So speculative execution is illegal? What about optimistic concurrency
control? Ethernets would seem to be bad, but perhaps token-rings are OK?
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 11:26:04 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From a Unisys Web page
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
(No, *not* the Web page where they explain that they *don't* want
10 cents for every GIF on the planet.)
>From a page about their 2200-series mainframes (descendants of the old
Univac 36-bit mainframes), in a section listing security features:
Features include hacker frustration, ...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 16:44:14 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hey, keep that Occam's Razor away from me! :)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Harry Mantakos <harry@cs.UMD.EDU>
Path: mimsy!cs.umd.edu!not-for-mail
From: (deleted)
Newsgroups: csd.grad
Subject: CATS Talk
Date: 10 Jan 1995 15:37:24 -0500
Organization: U of Maryland, Dept. of Computer Science, Coll. Pk., MD 20742
...
Speaker: Stuart Kurtz
Place: 3258 AV Williams
Time: 3pm Jan 12 (Thu)
Title: Reflections on Circumcision
Abstract:
Circumcision is a nonmonotonic logic presently popular in Artificial
Intelligence. Circumcision is essentially classical logic strengthened
with a semantic version of Occam's Razor. The present formalization of
circumcision gives unexpected results in some fairly simple mathematical
contexts. I consider an alternative formalization that overcomes some of
the problems of the standard approach, while preserving the standard
examples of AI.
Hey, keep that Occam's Razor away from me! :)
Apparently this Freudian slip was supposed to read "circumscription".
[I dunno about that. Circumcision *would* give some unexpected results in
mathematical contexts. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Jan 1995 16:38:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How should a revision level be interpreted?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
Forwarded-by: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>
How should a revision level be interpreted? Here's a quick guide
for anyone short of a clue:
0.1 WE GOT A REALLY GREAT NEW WAY TO DO THINGS !!!
<0.9 Not ready for prime time.
0.9 We think it works, but we won't bet our lives on it.
1.0 Management is on our case; seems like a low risk.
1.01 Okay, we knew about that. All known bugs are fixed.
1.02 Fixes bugs you won't see in 27,000 years, i.e. more than
three times the age of the universe.
1.03 Fixes bugs in the bug fixes.
1.04 All right, this REALLY fixes all known bugs.
1.05 Fixes bugs introduced in rev 1.04.
1.1 A new crew hired to write documentation.
1.11 From now on, no comma after "i.e." or "e.g.".
1.2 Somebody actually changed a functional feature.
2.0 New crew hired to write software. Old crew blamed for bugs.
2.01 New crew sending out resumes to placement agencies.
3.0 Re-write the software in another language, go back ten squares.
... return to line 0.1
-- eee@netcom.com (Mark Thorson)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 10:24:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's fun when cultures collide (please be free to touch me)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
<Forwards deleted to protect the innocent.>
From: Japanese employee of an American computer company.
Subject: Take responsibility on BM from Japan
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 13:07:42 +0900 (JST)
To: All the software folks in un-said company.
Hello all,
...
>From now on I would like to take the final responsibility for
BMs from Japan; the first responsibility should still be on the
SE in charge of the BM. So if you have any request or any
question regarding our BMs, please access the SE in charge of
the BM at first. If that would not work please be free to touch
me, I am happy to get any request or question (e.g. what the
purpose of this BM?).
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 16:48:16 -0500
From: joeg@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Joe Gaudreau {Dances with PostScript})
Subject: joke submission
To: spaf
okay, it's a pentium joke but i made it up myself:
665.9988773 Number of the Pentichrist
Almost but not quite evil enough
[I said I wasn't gonna run anymore, but this one actually made me laugh
out loud, so what the heck. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 10:01:13 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk for Thursday January 5, 1995
Fortunately, there was just one mishap in this year's Rose
Parade, according to comedy writer Alex Perlstein: "The
Intel float miscalculated its average speed and crashed
into a high school drill team."
Pearlstein, on Robert Shapiro possibly taking a lesser
role once the O.J. trial starts: "Some say he's been using
the case to further his own celebrity. Shapiro denies this
and says he'd been planning his Rose Parade float for
years."
L.A. Times reader R. Alex Kaseberg on Shapiro's diminished
role: "He does, in fact, need more time to himself --
primarily to manage his new investments."
"Did you hear about the jailbreak attempt today? I guess
at the L.A. County Jail, four inmates tried to tunnel into
O.J.'s cell. I guess they wanted to watch the playoffs on
his big-screen TV." -- Jay Leno
"O.J. Simpson is shuffling his lawyers. despite the
changes, his team's strategy remains the same. They expect
minimum payments every 30 days." -- Alan Ray & TeleJoke!
o o o
Political watch: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the main
difference between the two political parties: "Republicans
accuse President Clinton of MAKING improper advances, and
Democrats accuse Newt Gingrich of TAKING improper
advances."
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President going to Arkansas
for a couple days relaxation: "He wasn't able to see all
his old friends, supporters and former staff members. Just
the ones that could make bail."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 00:49:42 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk For Monday January 9, 1995
The Newt Congress: "Opening day for the 104th Congress
and House Speaker Newt Gingrich threw out the first
orphan." -- Jay Leno
"Sen. Bob Packwood told CNN that each lawmaker should
concentrate on cutbacks. Bob's leading the way, down from
a high off 27 sexual harassment charges in 1993 to a
budgeted maximum of three this year." -- Argus Hamilton
"The House spent the day cutting staff and slashing
committees. The chaplin's opening prayer was answered --
he JUST made the cut." -- Hamilton
"Rep. Sonny Bono took the floor to announce his `recording
contract with America,' in which he promised a grateful
nation never to sing in public again." -- Alex Pearlstein
"One GOP lawmaker argued that taxpayer money should no
longer be used to answer Socks the cat's fan mail. It will
be discussed when Congress votes on the proposed feline-
item veto." -- Pearlstein
"Senate Republicans says their first step is to wipe out
100 programs. For a start, how about "Roseanne?" -- Stan
Kaplan
o o o
...and then you die: Comedy writer Jerry Gilbert on what
Gingrich's mom whispered to Connie Chung about the First
Lady: "Newt's going to have a bitch of a time dealing with
this."
Hamilton says Hillary's position shows the double standard
strong women face each day in the workplace: "A man has to
invade Europe to be called ruthless. A woman just has to
put a man on hold."
L.A. Times reader R. Alex Kaseberg says that "despite what
you hear, CBS does not stand for Chung Betrays Secrets."
o o o
The Simpson: O.J.'s lawyers deny reports that there will
be a change in responsibilities among them. We're not so
sure:
* "Bob Shapiro couldn't be reached for comment. he was out
getting Johnnie Cochran a pizza and picking up F. Lee
Bailey's laundry." -- Tony Peyser
* "They have changed it around. Now Cochran will hold O.J.
upside down by the ankles and Shapiro will pick up the
loose change." -- Jay Leno
* "Shapiro found out about the move when he went to visit O.J.
in jail, and O.J.'s receptionist said O.J. was in a
meeting." -- Leno
* "Along with the shuffling look for a different trial
strategy: smaller packs and less circling with fewer fins
breaking the waterline." -- Bob Mills
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 11:11:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Let me know ASAP if you're interested.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel Carosone <danielce@ee.mu.oz.au>
From: aldous@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Matthew David ALDOUS)
Subject: Re: PC/Windoze support job, ~8 weeks
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 23:10:02 +1100 (EDT)
] Does anyone want a contract for about 8 weeks filling a position
] doing PC/Windows/MS-Office/Printer support?
]
] Let me know ASAP if you're interested.
I'd love it, but the wild boars I have coming in to run rampant through
my lower intestines with small flaming blades embedded in their tusks,
followed my 3 hours of Barney re-runs on quadrophonic surround speakers,
prior to me shredding a caffine free diet seven up can with my tibea, and
scraping razor honed metal shards down my tongue (pending my finding 12
liters of caustic soda to wash the blood down with), mean all my action
packed fun filled free time is otherwise occupied. _IF_ however, there
is anything possibly less entertaining than this available, and your job
position is still going, I will run. Far. In fact, very far. So damn
far to a country where Microsoft is loosly translates into "small
bean-bag", and PC is an almost forgotten disease cursed upon the crazy
people of society. If however, when you said contract you meant "sick
banal attempt at passing some humourous time" then I have some fungus
breading inside a Battlestar Galactica figurine armpit, that may posses
the required training.
I wish you the best of luck filling this position.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 19:13:28 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: "David Geller (421)" <DavidG@dev.travsoft.com>
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer inquiries,
Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new
software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors,
Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob"
immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer,
Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support.
"It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the
computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing
policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the
Justice Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing
option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low
cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of
doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon
signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added
bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows
95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day
grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're
being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill
Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs.
"People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob.
Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't
be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first
Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed
to his forehead.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 95 15:28:00 PST
From: sdahl@magnes.com (Scott Dahl)
Subject: More Amusing highway signs
To: spaf
Inspired by the recent Amusing highway signs submission:
Don't know if this is in the Highway signs file, but on I-5
Southbound near downtown San Diego, there is a sign that looks
like this which has always kept me wary of what's on the road
around me...
_____________________
| |
| CRUISE SHIPS |
| |
| Use Airport Exit |
|_____________________|
||
||
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 03:11:51 -0800 (PST)
From: Charles Howes <chowes@helix.net>
Subject: more evil web stuff from Caltech
To: spaf
> Date: Fri, 30 Dec 94 14:20:13 -0800
> From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
> Subject: more evil web stuff from Caltech
> To: spaf, nocturne@mit.edu
>
> My gods, Caltech has an html link to destroy the universe!!
>
> <a href="http://www.galcit.caltech.edu/~ta/misc_html/destuniv.html">
> destroy universe </a>
>
> (Luckily, so far it works about as well as this other big button
> <a href="http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/button.htm">big button</a> )
Oh my god, you mean you *tested it* ??????
Let's just put it this way:
No-one will ever report the success of the ultimate weapon...
"Master, I have successfully destroyed the Universe!"
...truthfully.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 95 13:26:37 PST
From: Vernon Lee <vernon@zycad.com>
Subject: More Gates bashing
To: hellfire@math.okstate.edu, chrisl@ncms.org
(Forwards deleted)
News Flash:
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused.
So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing
campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to
debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail
out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is
being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual
with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper
than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and
can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we
would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 08:53:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Place your bets, sounds like God wants the Packers to win
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk for Friday January 6, 1995
YOU WANT TO INTERVIEW WHO?
By Tom Silverstein
Milwaukee Sentinel
Pro Bowl defensive end Reggie White of the Green Bay Packers spoke
with the press Wednesday as his team prepared for Sunday's playoff
game against the Dallas Cowboys.
White, who injured his left elbow the week before the Packers'
Thanksgiving Day game against the Cowboys, has been wearing a
rubber sleeve on his arm for protection. But White said Wednesday
there is absolutely nothing wrong with his elbow and that he is
100%.
In fact, he insists it did not hurt him in the least the day of the
game, even though doctors originally predicted he would be out for
two to three weeks. He stands by his proclamation that God healed
his elbow in time for him to play.
"It's been fine," he said. "The last time we talked about it being
healed. It wasn't hurting. I think a lot of people still think my
arm is not well. And it is.
"I think some of the reason the media couldn't take me saying that
God healed me is because y'all can't interview God. If I would
have said a psychic or something, you would have interviewed him."
When he was asked what he thought God might say, White said,
"You've got to talk to him. You can set it up yourself."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 15:37:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"I'm not gay. But then again, I didn't used to like asparagus either."
-- Kids in the Hall
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 18:16:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: mike@cs.UMD.EDU (Mike Steele)
>From a .signature file...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the
bodies of the people that I had to kill because they pissed me
off.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Savor a deadline;
it is merely an excuse
to stay up all night.
A marketing bird!
He tells me, tells me, and then
tells me what he told me.
Sunset is never
ensnared in a choice between
cost and quality.
- William Warriner _101 Corporate Haiku_ (Addison-Wesley)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
I had hoped...to be merely ludicrous, but this is a hard world to be
ludicrous in, with so many human beings so reluctant to laugh, so
incapable of thought, so eager to believe and snarl and hate.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. _Mother Night_
Submitted by: Megan Coughlin <meganc@u.washington.edu>
[It's not that hard to be ludicrous -- post in Yucks! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 1995 14:01:30 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: RISKS DIGEST 16.70
Newsgroups: comp.risks
To: risks@csl.sri.com
In Risks Digest 16.70 paul robison wrote in part:
=> Date: Tue, 03 Jan 1995 22:41:12 -0500 (EST)
=> Subject: Re: Dates and Times Not Matching in COBOL
=> From: Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com>
=>
=> [ snip ]
=>
=> This sort of issue pops up so rarely that it's not something one thinks
=> about much. In fact, a lot of reports print date only, so the time doesn't
=> matter one way or the other.
=>
=> [ snip again lots of experiments ]
=>
=> Figuring worst case at 6200 tests, it means that there would have to be
=> less than 2/6200 of one second before midnight for the possibility of
=> this happening. 1/6200 of one second means that if a program of this
=> type was executed every day in such a manner as to cross midnight, during
=> the moment the date and time were collected, the chances are an error of
=> this type happening would strike one execution every 16.9 years, since
=> it can only happen once a day, and it can only happen during the 1/6200
=> of a second before midnight.
=>
=> No wonder I never thought about such a thing. It may be crass to put it
=> this way, but how many people worry about an error that *might* happen
=> once every 16.9 years?
is this a trick question?????
the answer of "certainly NOT the pentium divide designers" immediately
springs to mind.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 12:06:12 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Run On Sentence Of The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Award: ROSOTD -- Run On Sentence Of The Day
From: Jeff Briggs (jbriggs2capital.edu)
Sender: Telecomm Policy Roundtable - Northeast
If you are looking at Gingrich as an individual, rather than as a
potent representative of business interests whose task is to continue
the Reagan agenda (and Nixon and Bush and Ford) of subverting what
elements of democracy and free speech remain to the interests of the
media-industrial complex (a debateable but as yet pungeant phrase),
then you have not yet grasped the enormity of what is happening, and
how, and why, in the United States.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 12:23:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Santa's checkride
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
From: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>
This is from my Uncle George, who's retired USAF. (US Air Force)
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when
the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's
enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 10:23:24 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: she is an exotic lover ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: vixie@gw.home.vix.com (Paul A Vixie)
> And I HATE HATE HATE sendmail!!!!
In a forthcoming book ("Sendmail: Theory and Practice," Avolio and Vixie,
Digital Press, January 1995), we see the following text on that topic:
Do not get involved with sendmail. She is an exotic lover,
whispering delicious promises in your ear, flashing her dark
eyes at you. But she is insane, and will draw you down in to
her madness.
[I went out with a woman like that once. At *least* once... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 17:57:08 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature line of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
ICMP: The protocol that goes PING!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jan 95 15:50:06 EST
From: mkathry@isse.gmu.edu (Kathy Moore)
Subject: spaf
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu
A couple of weeks ago I was working on a program that creates HTML
documents "on the fly" from a set of documents we have on hypertext.
I had a memory problem, and it kept core dumping right at the end of
my test document. The suspicious text was as follows:
> Spafford, E.H.: The Internet Worm: Crisis and Aftermath.
> Communications of the ACM, 32, 6, 678-687. 1989
[Another sign of the impending apocalypse --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 95 15:14:49 PST
From: Ric Forrester <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Spurious news flash!
To: Yucks <spaf>
(Source unknown)
REDMOND, WA - Microsoft concluded negotiations today to acquire the People's
Republic of China, sources close to CEO Bill Gates revealed. The deal,
valued in the billions, will cede control of the most populous nation in the
world to the Gengis Kahn of the computer world.
The newly formed corporate state will be known as Microsoft China, and will
include the newly merged city of Hong Kong. "We see this acquisition as
being very positive for Microsoft" a spokesman stated this morning at a dim
sum breakfast for the media. "Not only do we aquire a vast workforce to
manufacture our products world-wide. Thanks to years of conditioning by the
Central Committee, we can also tell them as consumers what to buy!"
The Central Committee will receive shares of Microsoft common stock, and be
relocated to the Microsoft People's Recreational Camp located outside
Henderson, Nevada. Microsoft will assume control of the Chinese bureaucracy.
Rumours of Bill Gates elevating his title to "Emperor," however, are merely
speculative at this point.
To make the transition easier for the Chinese people, Microsoft Word is being
used to revise traditional Chinese Communist texts. The Replace command is
sweeping away references to the party with "Microsoft", and references to
Chairman Mao Tse Tung are being exchanged for praises of Chairman Bill Gates.
In a possibly unrelated move, Microsoft also announced its intention to
acquire all of the Chinese take-out restaurants in the United States, the
European Union, and portions of Brazil.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 14:36:54 -0500 (EST)
From: "Glen McCready" <glen@qnx.com>
Subject: Tech Support Nietzche Style
To: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (keith bostic), spaf (gene spafford)
Forwarded-by: aboyd@qnx.com
>From ajedgar@centigram.com Wed Jan 11 12:39:54 1995
Tech Support Nietzsche Style
============================
Guidelines:
----------
When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is
a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you,
begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips.
And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the
strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show
him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves.
It is the law of nature that you should do so.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"You aren't very smart, are you?"
"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you.
Please desist from using it - you are soiling it."
Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help
the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent
intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He
is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he
take on ambitions of evolving to your level.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed
to comprehend."
"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error
that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
"What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of
failing to empty your colostomy bag."
Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the
compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel
superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still
far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship,
not criticize.
Key Phrases:
-----------
"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike
comprehension."
"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8.
You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been
corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."
And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for
him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is
against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to
serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible
and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never
happened. Response is not possible.
[I've called this number. Recently, too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 23:31:31 GMT
From: mrob@ctsnet.cts.com (Michael Robertson)
Subject: The BBC is not amused
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books
I found this letter posted on the Electronic Telegraph today. It
sounds like something Patrick O'Brian would include in one of his
books.
SIR - While reading the Saturday Column by Russell Davies (Dec. 10), I
was intrigued to see that the BBC had banned all mention of brass
monkeys and frosty weather. Why? This is a very old naval term dating
from the days of wooden men o' war.
Then, a triangular frame was fixed to the deck. This was known as a
monkey. In this frame were stacked iron cannon balls, pyramid fashion.
During very cold weather, the monkey, being made of brass, would
contract sharply and dislodge some of the iron balls, giving rise to
the saying "it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 17:19:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school
10. Wanted to see if obnoxious people only existed in the real world.
9. Cravings for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners.
8. Priesthood requires additional vow of chastity.
7. Internet not available at Burger King.
6. Missed the free exchange of ideas found at all campuses.
5. My school has no Friday classes.
4. My school has no morning classes.
3. I can stay up as late as I want!
2. Pillow fights with other grads make it all worthwhile.
And the number one reason?
1. Currently pays better than real-world alternatives.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------