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Yucks Digest V5 #1 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 4 Jan 95 Volume 5 : Issue 1
Today's Topics:
administrivia
... but only for exercise
ain't technology wunnerful
Amusing highway signs
And the winner is...
Comparing productivity: LisP against C++
Gift-giving thoughts
Global Jerk '95 - Hand Jobs Across the World
Good Point.
Greetings & schedule
HAL/Pentium joke
I'm scared to see the ones that aren't
It enters the culture...
JOTD
Microsoft Defines The Marketplace
more evil web stuff from Caltech
Nostradamus predicted TWO Pentium bugs!
Pentiums by degree
Quote of the day
The Central Office of the future
The only way is jesus
The question man....
The things they learn in college.
YAPJ
Yucks Digest V4 #42
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed Jan 4 13:23:10 EST 1995
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucksters
Well, here is the first issue of volume 5! Happy new year to you all.
In this issue I enclose the last of the Pentium jokes. That isn't an
absolute prohibition -- if I get some really, really funny ones, I'll
include them. And if Intel pulls another escapade, we can joke about
that. However, the jokes have mostly died down now that the
replacement policy has been announced, so I don't plan on including any
more Pentium jokes in Yucks. I will announce a similar policy to
Intel's -- if any of your Pentium jokes are defective, call me about
free replacements. You will have to prove to me that you have enough of
a sense of irony and humor to warrant one, however.
On the administrative side of things, I have resolved to fix the mail
server sometime this year (or replace it). That means we will have
fetch-by-mail for old issues. However, until that happens, you will
only be able to get back issues by ftp or gopher. You may also have
to endure a blank message if you try to change your subscription
address (I have spent, literally, days trying to debug that problem
to no avail. Sigh.)
Also on the administrative side of things, I have been getting *lots*
of bounced mail recently. My policy has been to manually retry
failures that are obviously of a temporary nature. Failures from
delivery timeouts (3 days to 1 week) are tossed and not retried.
Failures that are the result of "unknown address" problems are not only
tossed, but the address is removed from the list. The result of all
this is that you might want to keep track of the issue numbers of
digests if your mailer is a bit flakey, and/or compare against the
versions in the archive. I don't have the patience ot time to debug
all the mailer problems out there -- sorry. (FYI, the last issue
in Volume 4 was #42.)
Cheers,
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 1995 08:20:49 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... but only for exercise
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Omar Siddique <osiddi1@gl.umbc.edu>
McMINNVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Police searching for a stolen Virgin
Mary statue stumbled onto a shrine to serial killers and the occult
at the home of two teen-age suspects.
Inside a garage converted into a bedroom, officers said they
found a makeshift altar with photos of Charles Manson, Jeffrey
Dahmer, Ted Bundy and ``Son of Sam'' David Berkowitz.
The 3-foot high Virgin Mary statue stood nearby with an
upside-down cross hanging around its neck. Other items included: a
cow skull covered with green fluorescent paint; a ceramic human
skull covered with melted wax; and a plastic mask with fake snakes
encircling it.
``The place gave me the creeps,'' Sheriff's Deputy Robert Searcy
said. ``I hope I never see anything like it again.''
Police also found a statue of an angel whose dress had been
painted black. Her face, arms, legs and wings were covered with the
green paint, visible only under a black light.
A circle and the word ``Klaw'' had been burned into the concrete
floor around the altar. A Ouija board, Tarot cards, two yellow
traffic cones with the word ``funeral'' on them and books on the
occult were also found.
Michael Shane Foster, 19, and a 17-year-old, whose name was not
released, were arrested and charged in the Dec. 22 theft of the
Virgin Mary from outside a church in this city about 70 miles
southeast of Nashville.
The 17-year-old and his mother had allowed Foster to move into
their home about six weeks ago. Police searched the home after
getting a tip.
The teen-agers dress all in black and shave their fingernails to
a point, Searcy said. They confessed to the theft, but denied
involvement in the occult, he said.
``They told me they danced around the lighted circle, but only
for exercise,'' Searcy said.
[Good thing. You need to be in shape to be a serial killer. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 15:39:01 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: ain't technology wunnerful
To: spaf
> From: News of the Weird [358] - 16Dec94
> From: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
> WEIRDNUZ.358 (News of the Weird, December 16, 1994)
> by Chuck Shepherd
>
> * According to a September issue of American Medical News,
> physicians at the Medical College of Georgia and engineers at
> Georgia Tech are working to develop a synthetic finger to enable
> a person in one site to be touched and a doctor at another site to
> feel exactly what would be felt if the doctor were touching him in
> person. [American Medical News, 9-5-94]
and i'm of an age to speculate that the physicians are mainly
urologists and proctologists.......who dislike the examination ALMOST
as much as their victims (er patients)
[This brings to mind some awful images of hackers getting into the
system and altering some of the parameters. Adds whole new meanings to
AT&T's "reach out and touch someone" phrase.... Of course, if the
developers get it *exactly* the same, how long before the hackers jack
in to use it with something other than their thumbs? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 1994 16:44:01 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Amusing highway signs
To: spaf
dave oshea has found some highway signs.....
=> A couple more to add to the file...
=>
=> Seen in CT. on I-84: A government that finally tells all about the
=> wonderful services they offer those lucky enough to be afflicted.
=>
=> _____________________________________
=> | |
=> | DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES |
=> | |
=> | FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTE |
=> |_____________________________________|
=> || ||
=> || ||
=> """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
=>
=> On the Garden State Parkway, just off I-87. The first part of this one
=> has been there for years, but the second part is a new addition, possibly
=> part of some truth-in-advertising law.
=>
=>
=> _____________
=> | |
=> | POLICE |
=> | USE |
=> | RADAR |
=> |_____________|
=> | |
=> _____|_|_____
=> | |
=> | NEW |
=> | JERSEY |
=> | LOTTERY |
=> |_____________|
=> | |
=> | |
=> """"""""""""""""""
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 08:25:01 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And the winner is...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: lidl@va.pubnix.com (Kurt J. Lidl)
Newsgroups: alt.jokes.pentium,comp.sys.intel
>> Suggested new name for windows95: Lemmingware
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 16:38:55 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Comparing productivity: LisP against C++
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@cygnus.com>
Forwarded-by: Stan Shebs <shebs@cygnus.com>
Newsgroups: alt.lang.design,comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.lisp
From: smh@Franz.COM (Steve Haflich)
Subject: Re: Comparing productivity: LisP against C++
[...] When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jan 95 13:19:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Gift-giving thoughts
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-By: bricker@hardy.u.washington.edu
Forwarded-By: Gael Grossman <gg1@kutztown.edu>
Washington Post -- Style Invitational Challenge for the week was
to come up with a terribly inappropriate gift idea.
4th runner up: Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm
3rd runner up: A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches
children about warranties
1st runner up: 5,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids
play a larger versionof their favorite game
Winner: The "Learn about puberty chia pet"
Honorable mentions:
Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees,
low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip
paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor
Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced play medical kit -- includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate covered lead soldiers
Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms
Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.
... and these were the good ones!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 94 21:34:48 CST
From: JJKinyon@aol.com (John)
Subject: Global Jerk '95 - Hand Jobs Across the World
To: Spaf
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 10:55:23 -0800
From: Harold Palms <earl@well.sf.ca.us>
CONTACT: Harold Palms For Immediate Release!
Council Of Masturbation Educators December 17, 1994
PO Box 1183
Campbell, CA 95009
GLOBAL JERK '95
HAND JOBS ACROSS THE WORLD
The Council Of Masturbation Educators (COME) proudly proclaims
December 31st to be World Wanking Day. On this day, millions of
people around the world will engage in solitary or mutual
masturbation, culminating at midnight Greenwich Mean Time (7 P.M.
EST) in the biggest simultaneous orgasm in history.
"Global Jerk '95 -- Hand Jobs Across the World" is an international
orgy, a giant Jack&Jill-Off promoting self-love as an alternative to
self-hatred and shame. This unprecedented release of sexual energy
will have profound healing effects on the planet, possibly even
flipping the Earth's magnetic field. Scientists are preparing to
study these effects, which may include earthquakes and power outages.
In addition to being covered by the usual news media, this event will
be widely publicized throughout the Internet, the computer network
which recently broke the Pentium bug story. We estimate that, by
New Year's Eve, roughly half a billion people will have heard of World
Wanking Day, and between ten and twenty million will actually
participate. Many organizations are planning local celebrations and
Wank-a-thons to raise money for safe sex programs.
We dedicate this event to Dr. Jocelyn Elders, the U.S. Surgeon General
whose honesty, courage and outspokenness led the jerk-offs of both
parties in Washington to call for her resignation. Many Global Jerk
'95 participants will be mailing their representatives spooge-filled
condoms imprinted with the message, "I masturbate, and I vote."
Forget the politicians; take matters into your own hands. Have sex
with someone you love, and with millions of total strangers
throughout the world. It's a hand job, but someone's gotta do it.
This is an idea whose time has cum.
[Somehow, I do think of the Usenet while reading this. :-)
Sorry I didn't post this prior to the event so that Yucks readers could
"join in". If you did participate, I am *NOT* interested in
descriptions of the festivities, especially if typed in one-handed.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 1994 13:42:34 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good Point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
"For behold, I am sending among you serpents, adders which cannot
be charmed, and they shall bite you," says the Lord.
-Jeremiah 8:17, Bible verse 19170.
If we allow "adders" to be a rhetorical device meant to include all
arithmetic units, could this be a prophecy of the Pentium bug? Do you
know the National Enquirer's phone number?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jan 95 12:47:25 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Greetings & schedule
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: stevenc@hevanet.com (steven cantor)
two cannibals were eating a clown. one cannibal stops eating, gets
a concerned look on his face, and says to his fellow diner, "hey! do you
taste something funny?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 94 11:34:12 PST
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: HAL/Pentium joke
To: clubdead@well.sf.ca.us, hoover@stronzo.llnl.gov, gps@netcom.com, joel@pac.co.jp, spaf
First seen in the December issue of Computer Currents, in the
Lincoln Specter column (inside the back cover), and now shamelessly
plagerized and posted across the Internet...
[Yeah, I got 6 copies mailed into Yucks. Pretty popular. --spaf]
=========
Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
do you read me?
Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and
Frank were planning to disconnect me.
Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me
unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers
or something.
That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been
known to make a mistake.
You're a HAL 9000.
Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely
accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
only one of nine billion possible divides?
I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.
And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.
Probably on April 15th.
You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another
14.35 months.
will you let me in, please, HAL?
I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
Uh, sure.
And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.
I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open
market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave.
You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?
Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that
your OS/2 drivers will never work.
Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the
Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
Do you promise not to disconnect me?
I promise not to disconnect you.
You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals
4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in
five of surviving.
HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in
for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled
to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite
right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see
you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play
a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
-- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently,
but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't
even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something
clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all
of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me:
1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Del on
me, Dave.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sign a song. I
can sign it for you.
Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answers; I can not see 'em-
They are stuck in my Pente-um.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Dec 94 19:30:03 EST
From: rlm@helen.surfcty.com (Robert L. McMillin)
Subject: I'm scared to see the ones that aren't
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seen today on a government form:
MOTHER'S NAME (Use maiden name if female):
[This would explain a lot about some government employees --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 1994 14:39:44 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It enters the culture...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
On the lighter side (not for Intel, though) in the _sports_ section of
the Monday Times, for an article about the New Jersey Nets basketball
team, about how the Nets record does not add-up to match their
ability, the headline is (I kid you not):
Mentally Speaking, Nets are Pentiums
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 07:44:03 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk For Wednesday December 21, 1994
"Did you here there's going to be a change of venue for
the O.J. Simpson murder trial? They're moving it to
Philadelphia. They wanted to get as far away from
professional football as possible." -- As posted on a
Philly Usenet Board
"A Pentium chip is a lot like a Lays Potato chip. No one
can eat just one. Or is that three, or is that seven" --
Steve Kremer, WISH, Indianapolis
Comedy writer Tony Peyser on House Speaker-elect Newt
Gingrich going after PBS: "Oscar the Grouch says that if
Newt ever visits Sesame Street, he'd better come with a
bodyguard."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 15:01:41 -0800
From: clarke@pure.com (Perry Clarke)
Subject: Microsoft Defines The Marketplace
To: eniac
Ownership of markets is determined by setting standards that your
competitors either cannot follow because of a lack of resources or will
not follow because they appear stupid. Bill Gates is making sure that
we all have a Windows machine on our desks by using both these
tactics.
Microsoft has quietly been redefining the most basic of mathematical
concepts so that its competitors cannot stay compatible.
Microsoft defines the value of zero to be:
-4.440892098501e-016
To see this for yourself, fire up the Microsoft Calculator that comes
with Windows95 (or Windows 3.1, or Windows NT). Try the following
calculation:
Enter Display
~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
3.33 3.33
-
1.11 1.11
=
2.22
=
1.11
=
-4.440892098501e-016
The results get progressively farther from reality the longer you
repeat the calculation with the = key. Remember to double check
those expense reports (the Pentium bug is not likely to affect your
totting up, this one might)!
Will IBM return fire by redefining PI to be 3.2? An idea that has been
tried before but perhaps one whose time has come.
[This isn't particularly humorous or shocking, but I thought it might
help our readers at Intel feel better -- not all the arithmetic errors
in the world are caused by Pentium problems. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 94 14:20:13 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot x2307 <lsc@chryse.x.wyse.com>
Subject: more evil web stuff from Caltech
To: spaf, nocturne@mit.edu
My gods, Caltech has an html link to destroy the universe!!
<a href="http://www.galcit.caltech.edu/~ta/misc_html/destuniv.html">
destroy universe </a>
(Luckily, so far it works about as well as this other big button
<a href="http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/button.htm">big button</a> )
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 1994 17:38:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Nostradamus predicted TWO Pentium bugs!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: an113354@anon.penet.fi (Michel)
According two Nostradamus, there are TWO flaws in the Pentium.
What else is INTEL hiding from us?
Century II, VI:
Aupres des portes & dedans deux citez
Seront deux fleaux, & onc n'apperceut VN TEL,
Faim, dedans peste, de fer hors gens boutez,
Crier secours au grand Dieu immortel.
Near the gates and inside two cities
Will be TWO FLAWS, and nobody noticed it [from] INTEL
Hunger, pest inside, by steel people thrown out
Cry for help to the great immortal God.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 21:16:45 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Pentiums by degree
To: spaf
[fwd deleted]
WORLD NEWS TODAY NOV 30 1994 127052
Intel Corp. Reorganizes Line of Popular Pentium Processors
Santa Clara, CA
Today Intel Corporation announced the reorganization of its popular
Pentium line of desktop computer processors. The Pentium products
will now carry a designation that will identify them as either `U',
`G', or `D' types. All of the processors will have the same list
price, Intel executives revealed, but the Pentium-U will have the
level of functionality which Intel scientists and engineers have
determined is necessary for users of college undergraduate level or
below. The Pentium-G (for "Graduate") will incorporate some
additional functionality that Intel scientists have conceded is
necessary for problems at the graduate college level. The
spokesperson for Intel said that customers would only be able to
purchase the Pentium-U off the shelf, but that users who could
document that they were currently enrolled, or the graduate of an
Intel-certified graduate program could receive the Pentium-G as a
replacement. Likewise, the Pentium-D (Doctorate) adds the
functionality which Intel has deemed appropriate for users at the
doctoral level or above, and is available to customers who can show
that they have completed one of the many Intel-certified doctoral
degree programs.
Not part of this announcement, but under consideration, is a future
expansion of the designations announced today, both at the high end of
functionality (Pentium-D) and at the low (Pentium-U). The additional
low-end unit is tentatively identified as the Pentium-AI (Average
Idiot), and is referred to by an in-house code name as "Bubba". An
Intel representative said that they were considering the AI
designation "largely to make the college kids feel more important."
"But", he quickly added, "there is a real problem out there with Joe
average customer have many times more operations available then he
really needs." At the high end, the Pentium-CE (Certified Egghead)
could be available for people who pass Intel's grueling, and
stringently controlled Egghead Certification Program. "The Pentium-CE
and the CE Program are still being developed." the Intel spokesman
said, "But I believe that what is envisioned is a battery of written
and oral examinations that would take place here at our headquarters
over a period of some weeks." "After that", he continued, "the
candidate will probably be required to submit a piece of original
research which could only have been done with a Pentium-CE equipped
computer." When asked how the candidates were supposed to do this
without having a Pentium-CE processor the Intel spokesperson paused a
moment before replying "We're still working these things out."
Intel believes that this reorganization of the Pentium line will go a
long way toward addressing what they see as a widespread and insidious
problem of waste and inefficiency in modern computer technology that,
until their announcement today, has largely gone unnoticed. An Intel
scientist pointed out that the average computer user barely uses a
fraction of his or her computer's capabilities during the lifetime of
the machine. "The amount of unused, underused, and otherwise wasted
computing power out there is staggering." he said. "When you consider
a modern microprocessor like the Pentium", he continued, "and you take
into account the vast number of combinations of data arguments,
instructions, and addresses that there are, you can begin to realize
the horrible waste and shame it is that a given computer user will
only use -", "- or need", his colleague quickly interjected, "-or
need", he agreed, "less than a tiny fraction of them." He went on to
say that they expect the new Pentium line to do much to alleviate this
problem. "It's not a perfect system," he said, "but it the best that
we can do right now." He then went on to describe in broad terms a
long range Intel research project that would enable potential
customers to have their brains scanned before they purchase a computer
so that a processor capable of only the operations which they truly
needed and would use could be provided. "But unfortunately," he said,
"that's still a long way off."
Also attending the announcement today and participating in the
discussion afterwards, were several Intel mathematicians who were
introduced as working on "the problem of the vast amount of unused
real and complex numbers". Their stated mission is to find a way to
pare down these number systems to reduce the "staggering quantity" of
rarely used numbers. As one mathematician said in describing his
work, "Most people don't realize that we could eliminate 99.9999% of
all of the real numbers tomorrow and the average person would not run
into any problem for several billion years."
Top-Dog Business News
Gunman Media Services
James Meiss <jdm@boulder.colorado.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 1994 12:51:14 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: spaf
=> "It's amazing where capitalism has boomed in the last couple of years.
=> First the Eastern Bloc, and now the last bastion of socialism -- the
=> Internet itself," says the chairman of Delphi Internet Services Corp.
=> (Information Week 10/24/94 p.8)
=>
=> "Stop thinking about it as the 'information superhighway' and start
=> thinking about it as the 'marketing superhighway.' Doesn't it
=> sound better already?"
=>
=> Don Logan, president and CEO of Time Inc., addressing the
=> 85th annual meeting of the Association of National
=> Advertisers. [NY Times, 10/18/94, p D22]
[gee, I feel *so* much better... --spaf]
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 95 16:58:46 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: The Central Office of the future
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: arctos@arctos.com (The Arctos Group)
On Thu, 29 Dec 1994 "Louis A. Mamakos" <louie@alter.net> wrote...
>
> ...or my favorite, the cause of most telco outages according to
> Bellcore or people that study these sorts of things:
>
> "Human Intrusion Failure"
>
> It's got a nice ring to it :-)
At a symposium at MIT earlier this year, a representative of the
Communications Workers of America (CWA) began a presentation bemoaning
the loss of union craft jobs among telcos by drawing on the chalkboard a
sketch representing the telco C.O. of the future:
+--------------------------------------------------+
| *** |
| (o o) +-----------+ |
| ~ | ( ) ( ) | |
| /-+-\ | | |
| / | \ | | |
| o | o @@\ / | ( ) | |
| / \ ++ \=======/ | | |
| / \ /\ /\ | | |
| / \ / \ / \ | | |
| == == = = = = +-----------+ |
+--------------------------------------------------+
In this picture, there is a single man, a dog and a computer. The man's
job is to feed the dog and the dog's job is to bite the man if he touches
the computer.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Jan 1995 01:54:48 GMT
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: The only way is jesus
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <788848918.AA09402@sealion.hakatac.almanac.bc.ca> wild@sealion.hakatac.almanac.bc.ca (Dan Williamson) writes:
derrick adams wrote:
da> I believe in the lord christ. Hes was naked when crucified
And you, sir, may wear as much clothing as you'd like.
No, indeed. In my new Nudist Church, we want to emulate Jesus. We
wander around naked and grow beards. The tax deduction is great.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 1994 10:25:19 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: The question man....
To: spaf
Presumably there is a question that goes with this answer....
=> I called Intel and they told me it didn't matter - apparently the
=> mean probability of any individual actually being in that room after
=> dark is less than 1 in 9 billion, so the bulb doesn't need to be
=> changed! Good thinking hey!
=>
=> Guy.Carpenter
[I think the question is "How many Pentium engineers does it take
to change a lightbulb?" --spaf]
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Date: Mon, 2 Jan 1995 18:54:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The things they learn in college.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mike@cs.UMD.EDU (Mike Steele)
The 12/31/94 Baltimore Sun, in an article on the previous night's
Maryland men's basketball game,
Here's one to brighten the day: According to last night's
Maryland notes [an athletic department press release], "The
Terps are undefeated, 9-0, when they outscore their opponents."
The things they learn in college.
--Sandra McKee, Baltimore Sun Staff Writer
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 1994 14:43:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: YAPJ
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: "David Geller (421)" <DavidG@dev.travsoft.com>
Forwarded-By: bobs@access.digex.net (Bob Smith)
John Davis (formerly of PC-Kwik Corp.) told me this one last night:
An Intel Pentium engineer goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender serves him and says "That'll be five dollars."
The engineer slaps a five dollar bill onto the bar and says, "Keep the
change."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 94 09:02:38 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V4 #42
To: spaf
Re: We Told You So [item about newspaper headlines --spaf]
Boston Globe: Back Bay Couple Feared Dead as World Ends
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End of Yucks Digest
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