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Yucks Digest V4 #42
Yucks Digest Fri, 30 Dec 94 Volume 4 : Issue 42
Today's Topics:
[alan@qsss08.eq.gs.com: Holiday Spirit !]
A matter of faith
Anything for You
A short lesson
Canada is not British (Was: Tell me about Canada!)
Christmas Indulgence
Church Hopes Dashed as Microsoft Denies Acquisition Bid
Dangerous Arctic Cult in standoff with ATF
FW: can't fly if you're gay <non offensive>
FYI - own a star
Gee, she must get lonely...
Hot Queasine -- Rack o' Spam
Humor:Overheard in a bar orbiting Procyon-9
IBM licenses beeping sound
Lingua Franca
msXmas
no loitering
Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products.
SOTD
Spam Haiku
Tenured graduate students
The Information Water Closet...
TOP TEN COMMENTS MADE BY REINDEER DURING THE CHRISTMAS FLIGHT
VIRUS ALERT: America Online
We Told You So
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Dec 94 10:22 EST
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: [alan@qsss08.eq.gs.com: Holiday Spirit !]
To: spaf@directory.purdue.edu, tgm@warren.mentorg.com, mlmandal@hlc.com, tk@research.att.com
Intel's Night Before Christmas
By: Nabeel Ibrahim (ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all over the 'Net
All the posts about Intel,
Made everyone fret,
The whiners were vocal
They wouldn't shut up,
Complaining about Intel's,
FDIV cover up,
The engineers were nestled,
All snug in their labs,
Worrying about Intel's,
Mistake in the fabs,
They made up excuses,
On how they're affected,
They called up Intel,
And were promptly rejected,
And soon IBM jumped,
Right into the fray,
"We'll stop shipping Pentiums,
As of later today."
But their statement was just
More political lies,
Because they said the next day,
"We're still shipping those dies!"
But from where came this noise,
And vindictive clatter,
About a minor flaw,
That should not have mattered,
Well there was a math prof,
Doing work in V A,
He came to realize that,
Divs shouldn't happen this way,
So Prof. Nicely described,
The bug that he found,
It wasn't too long later,
That news got around,
Lots of people complained,
Without reason or rhyme,
Just because number five,
Equalled four point nine nine,
The media latched on,
And rumors were spread,
It took no time to proclaim,
That Intel was dead,
As I was reading more news,
A thought came to me,
Intel can't possibly die,
The have a monopoloy,
So on Andy, on Craig,
On Gordon and Vin,
Make sure with P6,
This doesn't happen again,
As I logged of, I thought:
"This debate is absurd."
So I soon logged back in,
And uttered these words,
"There are too many issues,
I refuse to take sides.
Merry Christmas to all,
And watch your divides."
HO, HO, HO !!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 94 16:32:38 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: A matter of faith
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Tom Kuhn <tomk@mothra.rose.hp.com>
From: Joel Garreau <garreau@well.com>
QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or
delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
* The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to
Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty
characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those
involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and
"contraception."
* The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its
karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as
a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers
on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and
lower-case letters will become upper-case.
* The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted,
underlined, etc. It's all the same.
* The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then
deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably
see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
* Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a
tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters
to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
* Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle
Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains
why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable.
I'm not making this up.
* IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the
screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
* PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've
been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go
CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
- Joel Garreau (garreau@well.com), as reported in his Cybersurfing
column in the Washington Post.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 94 19:30:02 EST
From: pjquin@ecr.mu.oz.au
Subject: Anything for You
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard at a rock concert at La Trobe University,
Melbourne Australia.
===>
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong,
but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was
clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma
it had caused.
So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", I said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", replied Helen,"You really shouldn't do
this you know. But, if you are, just get me something
really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 1994 21:00:38 GMT
From: frank@arcglade.demon.co.uk (Frank Wales)
Subject: A short lesson
To: eniac
This is a direct quote from a Data Logic education manual, June 17th 1986
(I don't know why the date's relevant, but it's on the page I have).
I find it has an almost poetic rhythm to it, assuming you're not attempting
to comprehend what it means or anything.
9.9 Sample reference for Logical Relationships
Physical and logical deletion of a logical child segment in
unidirectional and physically paired bidirectional logical
relationships occurs when a delete call is issued to delete an
occurrence of the logical child segment type, or a segment that
is a parent of the logical child in the logical childs physical
data base. In addition for a physically paired logical
relationship, when a logical child segment is physically and
logically deleted by issuing a call to delete the logical child
segment or a segment that is a parent of the logical child in
the same physical data base, the paired logical child segment
is logically deleted. The paired logical child is both
physically and logically deleted when the rule specified for
the paired logical child is virtual. For virtually paired
logical relationships, logical deletion of a logical child
segment occurs when the delete rule of logical or virtual is
specified for the logical parent, and a delete call is issued
to delete an occurrence of the logical parent segment type or
a parent of the logical parent in the logical parents physical
data base. Physical deletion of a real logical child segment
occurs when a call is issued to delete an occurrence of the real
logical child or a segment that is a parent of the real logical
child segment in the same physical data base.
[If I ever write something this confusing, I hope someone arranges to
have me sedated and treated. On second thought, that may have been
what produced this... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 94 19:56:26 PST
From: nathan@hal.com (Nathan Hoover)
Subject: Canada is not British (Was: Tell me about Canada!)
To: spaf
In article <3d5c63$ihv@ashe.cs.unc.edu>, gordon beaton <gordon@Minsk.DoCS.UU.SE> writes:
|> Newsgroups: soc.culture.canada
|> From: aa006@cfn.cs.dal.ca (Kevin Alexander James Nugent)
|> Subject: Re: Canada is not British (Was: Tell me about Canada!)
|>
|> Michel L. Lalonde (mldans@cyberspace.net) wrote:
|> : If Canada is not British, what is the Queen of England's face doing on the
|> : coins and bank notes?
|>
|> If America isn't ruled by Pink Floyd, what is that pyramid with the
|> eyeball doing on the dollar bill??
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 94 16:50:40 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Christmas Indulgence
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Saul Feldman <well.sf.ca.us!sdf@bellcore.bellcore.com>
In a large convention center in New York, over 1000 professional chess
players were gathered in the central hallway for the International World
Chess Tournament. At exactly 8:00 am the starter's gun went off, and all
you could hear were the sounds of clocks being hit and chess pieces
hammering on the boards.
All of a sudden, an angry player stood up and yelled "I CAN PLAY BETTER
CHESS THAN ANYONE IN THIS ROOM!" At first there was a stunned silence; then
the whole room erupted as everyone bellowed how great they were at the game.
Well, you just *know* it had to be Christmas. At what other time of
the year would you have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 94 15:28:16 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: Church Hopes Dashed as Microsoft Denies Acquisition Bid
To: spaf, jenevold@aol.com, hmcmanus@athena.mit.edu
From: Diana Chabot <Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com>
<forwards dashed>
Subject: A Soft Christmas, Spoiled
Date: Thursday, December 22, 1994 10:53AM
By now, everyone probably has seen the wonderfully funny phony news
release about Microsoft acquiring the Catholic Church. Well, some
people didn't get the joke, and Microsoft was delugfed with calls, so
they released an official retraction to the bogus story, which made the
news around here. I saw the following piece in the Bellevue
Journal-American, and in case you didn't see it, here you go. A real
Christmas present from the Catholic church -- a sense of humor (at
least in the archdiocese of Seattle).
=====================================
Seattle, Washington:
Microsoft Corporation wasn't very amused last week by
the fake story about it supposedly acquiring the
Catholic Church, but the phony news account didn't
bother the Archdiocese of Seattle, which issued a
tongue-in-cheek response Monday.
"We could have had a material as well as a spiritual
Christmas," joked John A. McCoy, public affairs director
for the Catholic Archdiocese of Seattle. "We could have
had a software bonanza in the collection basket."
Church officials pretended to be disappointed by
Microsoft's formal denial Friday of a fake story
floating around the Internet that said it would buy the
Roman Catholic Church. The archdiocesan public affairs
office faxed a press release to the local media with
the headline "Church Hopes Dashed as Microsoft Denies
Acquisition Bid."
The release listed several reasons why a church-
Microsoft deal might have been beneficial. The church,
for example, might have helped Microsoft develop better
icons for its software programs.
"We've had 2,000 years of working with icons. Microsoft
Windows has only done it for three. We could have
helped," the release read.
"We're trying to show that the Catholic church has a
sense of humor," McCoy explained.
Archbishop Thomas Murphy was not quoted in the release,
but he approved it before it was faxed to the media,
McCoy said.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 1994 10:38:46 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Dangerous Arctic Cult in standoff with ATF
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Charles M. Hannum" <mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu>
Forwarded-By: Richard Todd <rmtodd@skywalker.ecn.uoknor.edu>
From: Freematt@aol.com
Dec. 23, 1994
Northpole Standoff
A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a
multi-jurisdictional task force of federal law enforcement agents
tried to arrest the leader of a militant doomsday cult, who call
themselves "Elves," living in a heavily fortified compound at the
Northpole. According to witnesses, federal agents hid in livestock
trailers as they drove up to the compound.
The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles.
Several agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it
hit a snowbank. The agents were unable to use dogteams and sleds
because the ATF agents shot all the dogs during training at a
nearby recreational facility where agents had practiced for weeks
on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the raid.
As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law
officers stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread
structure, throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!"
Cult members and law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45
minutes after the incident began.
For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed
the premises. The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine
guns were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two
miles from the main battle area.
In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole
Tribune-Herald said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal
of high-powered weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised
as a "toy factory." This toy factory is also believed to be the
sight of a mephamphetamine laboratory, according to sources inside
the ATF.
The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult
leader, who uses several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick,"
"Sinterclaas," and "Saint Nicholas," age unknown, has abused
children and claims to have at least 15 wives. Santa Claus denies
these accusations of abuse and said he has had only one wife, Mrs.
Santa Claus.
Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for
guns and explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader,
Santa Claus, said Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms in Washington, D.C. Mr. Stanford added it would be useless
to attempt to get a copy of this warrant, however, because it had
been sealed, "for national security reasons."
The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald
began publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as
saying the deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and
had at least 15 wives.
ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had
been planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the
newspaper's investigation set up heightened tension."
The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a
tower with lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards
reportedly patrol the 77-acre grounds at night.
Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members
refused to surrender documents relating to national security. A
source inside the Justice Department said that the documents were
lists of cabinet members and highly placed government officials who
were naughty or nice. Despite preliminary, secret negotiations to
obtain the list, the Elves refused to surrender the document to the
Justice Department.
The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is
believed to be a traditional cult holiday and all the militant
elves would be engaged in cult rituals in preparation for the event.
At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said,
"These militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching
them to expect charity. They have even distributed free, working
replicas of 'assault weapons' and 'handguns.' It is a matter of
dire importance to our future and the future of all our children,
that this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."
She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound
and shoot everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to
prevent this child abuse from occurring again, but that appears to
be our only alternative."
According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and
conditions inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is
also looking into allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of
the cult have claimed that Santa Claus frequently uses leather
restraints on at least eight reindeer, housed in sordid conditions
on the compound. Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a
protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further indication of
the abusive conditions inside the compound.
Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been
carrying automatic weapons. However, independant sources dispute
this, claiming that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than
large candy canes.
ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to
reporters as hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken
away from the Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and
private vehicles.
"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were
waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents
appeared to be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy
canes, as well as frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing
forest-green camoflage in the wintery terrain.
Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn,
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy
of the naughty/nice list.
One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy
Park. His name and the cause of death are unknown at this time,
however, the White House immediately issued a statement claiming the
official had committed suicide after learning his name was not on
the nice list.
Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney
on whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice
list from a safe in the White House.
A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy
that Santa Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a
lesson to anyone who tries to give to everyone without permission
from the welfare department, and that gathering sensitive data
without a permit from official sources will be stopped by any means.
FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster
Child of 1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have
cut off all electricity, water, and communications to the compound.
Santa Claus has demanded that we relay a message to the world. It
reads, 'Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.' FBI
psychological experts are presently analyzing the message, however,
preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade
the neighboring towns near the Northpole. It may also be a doomsday
message that the cult intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."
Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling
through the pile of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie
dolls. She claimed that she was going to confiscate any that she
found as "evidence" and that they were for a personal investigation
that she was conducting.
Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about
plans to raid Mr. E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to
the FBI's report on Mr. Bunny, he has been hording food all year.
This is in direct violation of a secret Presidential Directive.
"This ingratitude for everything that we have done will stop, even
if it means raiding every house in the USA to enforce these new laws
that were made to insure your freedom...." Reno said.
This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little
bit better tonight. The government will protect us from
overindulging in freedom. If they didn't step in and take control of
that "naughty/nice" list, just think what shape we might be in.....
Merry Christmas to you all.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 94 09:19:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: FW: can't fly if you're gay <non offensive>
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
Date: Thursday, December 29, 1994 3:36PM
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2%JPNKIT.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject: can't fly if you're gay <non offensive>
copied from sybase!davidvc@sun.com (David Van Couvering)
Can't fly if you're Gay
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to
surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more
needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay
and said the the man now sitting there, ``Excuse me, are you Gay?''
The man, somewhat stunned, said, ``Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!''
The flight attendent said, ``I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the
plane.''
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, ``Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!''
Finally, another man jumped up and said, ``Well, hell, I'm gay too! They
can't throw us all off!''
[I thought I published this in a previous Yucks, but I can't find it
using "grep". So, here it is (again?). --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 1994 10:18:24 -0800
From: Ron.Kleinman@Eng.Sun.COM (Ron Kleinman)
Subject: FYI - own a star
To: spaf
Source: Paul_Gloger.ES_XFC@xerox.com
From: Astronomy.all_areas@xerox.com
The International Star Registry is again running their radio ads, offering to
name a star for you for a price. (Maybe they do this every year at this time?,
I can't remember for sure.)
Now we all know, from previous discussions here, that God has granted the
exclusive franchise on naming stars to the International Astronomical Union and
the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. So we need not go into that again.
The reason I bring this up is because of the price the Star Registry quotes in
their ads. Last time I recall, it was simply "$35." This year, the price is
"$45 plus shipping and handling." Shipping and handling?!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 1994 10:49:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Gee, she must get lonely...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Brent@GreatCircle.COM (Brent Chapman)
AP newswire article over the resignation of former CIA Director
James Woolsey:
"The men and woman of U.S. intelligence must know how
grateful I am for their dedicated and often unheralded
service," Clinton said.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 11:18:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hot Queasine -- Rack o' Spam
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: Claude Ginsburg <claude@espresso.rt.cs.boeing.com>
Forwarded-by: paula@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com (Paul Allen)
Are you tired of spending hours preparing gourmet meals? The following
recipe for "Rack of Spam" shows how you can experience the sublime
pleasures of fine dining with almost no expenditure of time or money:
Ingredients:
1 can Spam
Velveeta brand cheese
Procedure:
Remove Spam from can.
Slice the spam vertically at 1/2" intervals not quite
all the way through.
Spread the sliced Spam slightly and insert Velveeta in the
openings, to taste.
Microwave until heated through. (Velveeta will be just at that
delightful bubbly stage so familiar to gourmet chefs.)
Serve with a good Merlot.
Yum!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 94 13:59:08 PST
From: Chris "Big Laugh" Borton <borton@searanch.com>
Subject: Humor:Overheard in a bar orbiting Procyon-9
To: nobody@batnet.com (cbb Humor Mailing List)
[Another timely one...I loved it! -cbb]
"...and get this one. We were on this yearlong survey mission,
right? My buddy Prang seduces this female native and mindwipes her
afterward, you know how he is, anyway the funny part is that a few
motnths later we were leading these natives around the desert with our
ship for laughs (they'd follow us off a cliff they're so curious!) and
we listen in on their conversations. Turns out they were looking to
witness a female native give birth who NEVER had any sex! Me and
another guy laughed so hard, it HAD to be Prang's! Har-har! The
captain didn't find out until we were halfway to Draco-2. Boy was he
mad! He turned us around to find Prang's little liability, rules are
rules, I guess.
"Well, a few years had passed in realspace by then, and the kid
had already grown up. Turns out the kid (Chris was his name) had the
natives convinced he was some minor deity or something! Whatta con
artist! Like father like son. Good thing we happened by, though, the
local law had found him out and was in the process of hanging him up to
dry. We beamed him up at night and tried to explain to him who we were
and who he was. He took it rather well, although he insisted on one
last visit with his friends before heading out with us. He ended up
becoming a primitive culture specialist in sector 715. You know what?
Last recon showed that over 20% of the planet's population still
worshipping him and celebrate his birthday! Is that a scream or what?
They cut down some plants, dress up in red and run around yelling
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
to each other! Har-har-har-har! Buy me another round, will ya? Then
I'll tell you how I bought a shipoad of platinum for a bow of old vacuum
fittings and some ball bearings, but I had to space it when I got
followed by a Fed cruiser...."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 15:58:17 -0500
From: (null)
Subject: IBM licenses beeping sound
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: PowerPC News volume 1 issue 20 December 16 1994
The Electronic News Magazine for the Internet
World Wide Web server at http://power.globalnews.com/
IBM LICENSES BEEP FOR POWER PERSONALS FROM QSOUND
(December 16th) It's very important to get those PC start up noises
just right isn't it? An excited QSound Labs Inc announced on Thursday
that: "as part of its growing relationship with IBM" the company has
"entered into an agreement with IBM for the use of QSound in several
new systems based on the Power PC Architecture". QSounds' expertise
is in encoding stereo audio files so that they sound like they are
coming from somewhere beyond the confines of the speakers.
QSound breathlessly explained that "Under the agreement, this 'boot
sequence' will feature pre-processed audio files in QSound". Now, is
it just us, or does it seem that IBM has bought a beeping noise?
Moreover, a beep that could appear from anywhere in the room, so you
won't be sure if its your box booting, or the one on the next desk.
You can tell its nearly Christmas, can't you.
To be fair, QSounds also says that IBM will use its technology in a
multimedia tour of the systems that will be included with the
machines.
-----
Copyright 1994 PowerPC News. This publication is free for the Internet
community and may be reposted without restriction.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 94 18:24:24 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Lingua Franca
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[Reproduced solely for the purposes of scholarly study ... -psl]
From: The New Yorker Magazine 12/26/94 1/2/95 (The Talk of the Town)
Lingua Franca
The forced resignation of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, following
her suggestion that masturbation was "part of something that perhaps should
be taught," is a small gift for lovers of what H. L. Mencken called the
American Language. It has inspired a new phrase in an area that has always
been blessed for its vigor and inventiveness. Around Washington, the new
term for the act of loving thyself as well as (if not better than) thy
neighbor is, reliable sources say, "firing the Surgeon General."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 94 15:13:32 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: msXmas
To: jmunro@wyse.com, brainey@kalpana.com, hmcmanus@athena.mit.edu
From: Diana Chabot <Diana_Chabot@ccm.ch.intel.com>
Subject: FW: Microsoft Acquires Christmas (fwd)
<forwards acquired>
MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas
by Robert Reiser
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via
satellite from Santa's summer estate, somewhere in the southern
hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to
Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition,
Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft.
This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS
Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas
great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer
names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for
licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been
working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products
for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly
endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with
a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95
trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first
step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Borganization.
This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She
continued, "Our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas
95. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further
elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get
sneak previews of Christmas[95] as early as November first."
Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year
and may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman
Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's
economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to
move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after
Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term,"
he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move
to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may
serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained
that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start
there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will
have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with
a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official
confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's
stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday
market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year
'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is
looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer of all could not be
reached for comment.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 16:25:51 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: no loitering
To: spaf
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 94 13:42:51 EST
From: uunet!murphy!acmcr!vr@world.std.com
To: silent-tristero
Subject: an alarming sign
I saw this on the door of an apartment building:
NO LOITERING
==========
THIS BUILDING RECYCLES
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 08:01:55 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: pfeffer@yagaman.convex.com (Rick Pfeffer)
From: yantzi@yagaman.convex.com (Ron Yantzi)
A thought on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
>
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all
the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 08:20:09 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: "Wendy P. Roberts" <wendy@head-cfa.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: david_simerly@qm.claris.com (David Simerly)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
================
Best Guess attribution is Bart Taub at Urbana-Champaign, with minor changes.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 10:08:34 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: SOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: Janice.Gelb@Eng.Sun.COM (Janice Gelb)
The Big Bang theory: In the beginning there was nothing,
which exploded.
[I've used this as an excuse before. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 11:08:02 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spam Haiku
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: Dan Tenenbaum <dante@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Therese McRae <a-tmcrae@microsoft.com>
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
-----------
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
-----------
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.
------------
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.
-----------
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.
[But is it art? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 1994 13:17:25 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu (Chuck Koelbel)
Subject: Tenured graduate students
To: spaf
This from no less an authority than our department chair...
In article <9412220254.AA22410@cs.rice.edu>, vardi@cs.rice.EDU (Moshe
Vardi) writes:
|> >
|> >How long do you have to be in grad school to be considered 'tenured'?
|>
|> Isn't it more a state of mind rather than a time limit?
|>
|> Other possible criteria:
|>
|> You've been at the school longer than your advisor.
|> You remember when the department chair was an assistant prof.
|> Students who you TA'd are finishing PhD's before you.
|> You know the people in the purchasing department on a first name
|> basis.
|> You actually understand how the purchasing department works.
|> You actually understand how the registrar's office works.
|> You actually understand how your department works.
|> You actually know where every piece of equipment is in your
|> lab.
|> You can't tell "I remember when" stories, because you've
|> forgetten them.
|> You can no longer read Alt.grad.tenured and tell yourself that
|> you're not like those tenured grad students.
|> You go to conferences, and people think that you are faculty.
|> The Dean asks, "I thought you had finished up already".
|> You can no longer live on a diet of Jolt, Mac & Cheese, and Bugles.
|> You feel like you actually need to sleep.
|> Issues like Health Insurance become really important to you.
|> All the bars you remember from your undergrad days are closed.
|>
[Hmm, based on the above, I guess reached that state before I finished
my PhD.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 08:07:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Information Water Closet...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
From: osa@wilbur.cs.unh.edu (Oktay Ahiska)
Newsgroups: comp.graphics,alt.culture.usenet,alt.geek
Subject: Re: Internet Symbol Please!!!
Date: 13 Dec 1994 22:36:17 GMT
"=" == Philip Hay <phay@st6000.sct.edu> writes:
=> Hello,
=>
=> I am looking for a symbol to represent the Internet. Something
=> like a multilane highway going towards a city or something. I would
=> appreciate any information concerning this matter. Thanks...
=>
=> Netboy
There you go, Netboy:
________
/ \
/--- / \ ---\
| -% | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| \ ____ / |
\---- \-- --/ ---/
/ .----. \
| | | |
| `____' |
|\________/|
\|______|/
\ /
| |
| |
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 10:14:58 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOP TEN COMMENTS MADE BY REINDEER DURING THE CHRISTMAS FLIGHT
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
10. "Sheesh!! What's he been eating this year? Rocks?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you think he
really knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo there."
7. "Sure... HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new Lite Oats?"
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "Hey! Watch the antlers, fellah!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred thousand miles, these jingling bells
really get annoying."
AND, the number one comment,
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 1994 03:44:18 -0500
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@cs.utexas.edu> (by way of werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig))
Subject: VIRUS ALERT: America Online
To: "Psst, heard on the grapevine..." <nobody@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
|>> THIS VIRUS IS NO JOKE not only did it wipe my entire hard disk but a
|>> whole cabinet of floppy disks nearby......
|>
|> It got _2_ of my CD ROMs!
>
> And I've developed a cold.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 07:40:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: We Told You So
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ShopTalk For Wednesday December 21, 1994
Perusing the Internet, someone at Editor & Publisher came across a
list compiled by participants, of headlines that publications might
use to announce the end of the world. A sampling:
* Wall Street Journal: "Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends"
* New York Times: "Turmoil in Mideast as World Ends"
* New York Post: "Nude Coed Found as World Ends"
* USA Today: "We're Dead"
* Los Angeles magazine: "Five Great Places to Be When the
World Ends (and 10 Very Special Spots to Eat)
* People: "Charles and Diana -- It's really Over"
* Playboy: "Girls of the Apocalypse"
* National Enquirer: "O.J. and Nicole, Together Again"
* Weekly World News: "We Told You So"
* San Francisco Chronicle: "Bay Area Lifestyles Decline as
World Ends
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------