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Yucks Digest V4 #24 (mixed nuts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 6 Sep 94 Volume 4 : Issue 24
Today's Topics:
Chinese Menu
Hunting Elephants
Interestin'
just a guide to make your life easier ... just kidding ! (fwd)
the howling masses grow nearer and nearer
This BUDs for you
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 15:01:27 -0400 (EDT)
From: General Tso <vannevar@panix.com>
Subject: Chinese Menu
To: Chinese.Food.Delivery@Your.Front.Door
It's been almost a year since I've sent this out, so I guess it's time
once again to do so... Enjoy! :-)
----------
THE BELCHING DRAGON Restaurant Menu
50 Lbs Rice With Every Order Free can soda with orders over $100.
Chinese Food To Eat In Or Take Out
Soups
Dropped Egg Soup................1.75
* One Ton Soup....................1.75
Hot & Scalding Soup.............2.25
Ten Ingredients Water...........3.25
Sweet and Salmonella Soup.......2.95
* Chinese Fire Drill Soup.........2.50
* Happy Bacteria Cup..............2.50
Appetizers
Steam-Cleaned Dumplings.........3.95
* Burn Your Tongue Platter........8.95
Barbecued Bear Ribs.............6.30
* Scallion Cow Pancakes (For Two) 2.95
MSG With Orange Flavor..........4.95
Noodles
* Cellophane Noodles with
Styrofoam Peanuts..............5.50
Cold Noodles in Sesame Sauce....3.50
Some Glum Noodles...............8.25
No Fun Noodles..................4.75
Pork
New Shoe Pork...................6.75
Roasted Pork in Shriner Hat.....6.95
Recently Shampooed Pork.........6.95
Andrew Diced Pork...............9.75
* Roast Pork Puppy Chow...........7.25
* Porky Pig Cartoonese Style......7.50
Pork And Mindy..................6.75
Vegetables
* Broccoli in Human Sauce.........5.95
Shredded Documents
with Peking sauce.............5.25
* Bean Crud with
Special Rotting Fungus.........6.25
* Snow Shovel with Peas...........7.75
Egg Neil Young
Green Beans with
Black Bean Sauce..............4.95
Black Beans with
Green Bean Suace..............5.95
Eggplant Prepared Under
Mysterious Circumstances......5.95
* Baby Corn with Adoption Papers..4.95
Vegetables with
Tingling Horse Flavor.........5.50
Poultry
San Diego Chicken
with Pine Tar..................6.25
Battering Ram Chicken...........6.25
Peeking Daffy Duck..............7.50
* Lemon Pledge Chicken............6.25
Amazing Talking Chicken.........8.75
* Tongue Licked Duck..............7.50
Chicken & Grief.................6.25
Duck Edwing Prepared in
Quetionable Taste.............6.25
* Chicken Escaping With Wings.....7.75
Mocked Duck.....................7.25
* General Schwarzkopf Chicken.....6.75
Goofy Grinning Chicken..........6.75
Innocent Bystander Chicken......6.25
Moo Goo Guy Williams............8.75
* Moo Goo Guy Molinari............8.25
Moo Goo Guy Pan & Teller
in Disappearing Sauce..........4.50
Beef
Air-Dropped Beef................6.85
Double Chin Beef................6.85
* Beef with More Beef.............7.75
* Carnage Of Beef.................6.85
Sizzling Wanton Beef............6.85
Beef And Dried Pepper
Spilled on Lap.................9.25
Beef with Bad News..............8.85
* Great Barrier Beef..............6.85
* What's Your Beef................7.25
Seafood
Squished Eel Delight............8.50
* Shrimp with Alibi...............8.25
Young Dead Fish.................9.25
Crispy Fish with
Discarded Needle...............9.95
* Prawns in L.L. Bean Sauce.......7.50
Aromatic Octopus On Wheels.....10.50
Force Fed Shrimp................7.75
* Flounder with Water Pistol......8.95
Desserts
Unfortunate Cookies.............2.50
Sweet Fried Rolaids.............3.95
Ice Cream with Garlic Sauce.....2.75
* Boneless Pudding................3.50
Chicken Almond Ring Ding........3.95
CHEF'S SPECIALS
Sesame Streeet Duck..............11.75
Choice chunks of undernourished fowl
pelted with waterchestnuts and stir-
fried in a sizzling wok by popular
Muppets.
Overpriced Happy Family..........14.25
Scallops, crabmeat and psychotropic
mushrooms sauteed with fresh chef's
thumbs and served on a Sealy
Posturpedic.
Tienanmen Square Beef............17.75
Oppressed young beef, severely battered,
crushed with bamboo shoots and brutally
smothered as you watch from your table
on a big screen.
Health Inspector's Seafood Delight......FREE!!!
Fresh lobster, shrimp and prawns expertly
prepared in the clean Mexican restaurant
down the block, brought in through our
back door and served with a crisp fifty
dollar bill rolled in a napkin.
(Must be ordered in advance.)
Cashier will change shirt at your request.
* = May not be edible
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 11:30:31 -0500 (CDT)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Hunting Elephants
To: spaf (spaf)
Many forwards removed. Origin/attribution long since lost.
A BOLD NEW PROPOSAL FOR MATCHING HIGH-TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE AND PROFESSIONS
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right
job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of
dollars of funding. This is particularly true for high-technology
organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however,
years of detailed study of the finest minds in the field of
psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the
development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match
between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate
exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
(a) Catch each animal seen,
(b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant,
(c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within + or - 15% of
any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.
Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the
VP does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the VP sees them. If
the VP does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.
[Something like this has appeared in Yucks before, but this one has
some new twists to it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Aug 1994 22:26:32 -0400
From: mgfrank@erebus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Interestin'
To: Yucks
[ramp.com]
Login name: trisha In real life: Brandys Babes
Directory: /home/t/trisha Shell: /usr/local/sbin/nothere
Last login Mon Aug 15 17:46 on pts000 from brandys.com
New mail received Fri Aug 19 18:20:25 1994;
unread since Fri Aug 19 18:20:26 1994
Plan:
OOoooooHh! I LIKE IT WHEN YOU FINGER ME BABE YOU KNOW JUST THE RIGHT SPOTS!
I MUST GET ONE THING STRAIT WE ARE NOT ADVERTISING OR LOOKING FOR
BUSINESS ON THE NET AND WILL NOT GIVE ANY ONE OUR ADDRESS OR PHONE
NUMBER
SO DONT ASK.
WE ARE HERE FOR FUN TO MEET COOL PEOPLE AND EXCHANGE EROTIC E-MAIL AND
PICTURES WE ARE GOING TO TRY NEW THINGS RELATED TO COMPUTERS AND SEX.
BRANDYS
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.
THIS IS ALL FREE.
BRANDYS BABES
THE WORLDS FIRST CYBER-BROTHEL
updated 8-17-94
Brandy.com is up.... sorta. The mail is working you can send mail to any
of us @brandys.com also if you want to send cool pictures send them to
pictures@brandys.com.
For technical questions about what we are doing send your questions to
to our support bill@brandys.com.
I (trisha) am sending out a weekly update on mondays (or thereabouts).
If you would like to get them send me (trisha@ramp.com) a note with the
words "UPDATE ME BABY" in the subject line. (no cc: or reply to:)
carefull cuz the monday updates sometimes include some pretty wild
stories about work or one of the girls fantasies.
(ONLY SEND ONE AND YOU WILL BE ON THE LIST TILL YOU ASK TO BE REMOVED)
WEB pages are at http://www.ramp.com/
(look in the wheel chair)
we are still having trouble getting the winsoc thing to work all of the
time but look for us during reg business hours at brandys.com.
I have some real cool ideas and Brandy has given me almost a free hand
SOoo look out.
I am working on getting the vid. cam hooked up to the computer so you
could request a current (semi real time)still picture of the girl at the
keyboard. *** or shower :-) ***
coming soon posibly a live video link (cu-seeme software for windows)
IF YOU HAVE ANY COOL IDEAS SEND THEM TO ME !
we have reached the conclusion that we realy need to have a unix machine
up and running to do a good job on all the stuff we want to do so if
you have any so if you have any hardware, software,advice or good
wishes you would like to donate send me a note.
(any one donating will get telnet access to the new machine)
we have been offered a 386 mother board and we still need a chasis and a
hard drive and ethernet card.
send me a note as to what you would like to donate and I will send you
our address.
LOVE YA TRISHA
Here is a list of the girls who work here. (Asked for a hundred times.)
and some basic info about the service. This is not an advertisement.
mail to them <girls_name>@brandys.com
SERVICE NAME: Brandy's Babes
LOCATION: E-central Phx. Az. usa.(no more details)
TYPE OF SERVICE: Private Nude Dancing and Modeling. incall/outcall.
RATES : $150 per/hr
HOURS: Mon.,Wed.-Sat. 6:pm-2:am closed on Sun. & Tues.
EMPLOYEES
OWNER: Brandy 26yr blond blue 5'7" 120lbs. 36-24-28
RECEPTIONIS: Trisha 19yr blond green 5'5" 100lbs 38-22-32
ASST. MGR. Nikki 22yr auburn brown 5'5" 120lbs 36-24-32
DANCER1: Ashley 21yr blonde blue 5'4" 115lbs 38-24-36
DANCER2: Kat 23yr blond blue 5'11" 130lbs. 36-24-32
DANCER3: Bobby 21yr Red green 5'2" 98lbs. 30-22-30
Every one gets Sun. and Tues. off and the girls get one rotating night off
and a rotating on call night (on call girl carries an alpha pager) We take
calls up untill 2:am so the girls work Till the last call is done.
The rates are $150 for the hour in or out call The service gets $50 and
the girl gets $100 for each call. we average 8 to 10 calls per night.
************ YES WE GO ALL THE WAY ************
************ NO WE DONT REALY DANCE. ************
HOPE TO SEE YA SOON
LOVE
XOXOXOXOXO
TRISHA
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Aug 1994 07:50:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: just a guide to make your life easier ... just kidding ! (fwd)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Does this pertain to you?
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't...;)
"The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
--------- ------- ----------
* You want <==> You want
* We need <==> I want
* It's your decision <==> The right decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want <==> You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk <==> I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead <==> I don't want you to
* I'm hungry <==> (a) Make me something to eat
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
your last $$, and go drive across town
and get me something to eat. ... I don't
care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset <==> Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly <==> You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly <==> Is sex all you ever think about?
attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional! <==> I'm having my period
And I'm not over-
reacting!
* Be romantic, turn <==> I have flabby thighs
out the lights.
* This kitchen is so <==> I want a new house
inconvenient
* The car is empty <==> Go fill it up
* The trash is full <==> Take it out
* The dog is barking <==> Go outside in your underwear and see what is
wrong
* I want new curtains <==> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes <==> the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of
white
* Hang the picture <==> NO! I mean hang it there!
there
* I heard a noise <==> I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me? <==> I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love <==> I did something today you're really not going
me? to like
In answer to "What's Wrong?"
* Nothing <==> Everything
* Everything <==> My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really <==> It's just that you're such an asshole
* I don't want to talk <==> Go away, I'm still building up steam.
about it
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Aug 94 16:27:11 PDT
From: dd@mv.us.adobe.com (David DiGiacomo)
Subject: the howling masses grow nearer and nearer
To: eniac
Brian is telekinetic!
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 18:44:15 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
To: eniac@prudence.fof.org
Subject: the howling masses grow nearer and nearer
>On Tue, 16 Aug 1994, Brian Kantor wrote:
>> Do you know that you posted your article in groups for Japan, South
>> Africa, Taiwan, England, and the Soviet Union? What does this say
>> about your knowledge and experience with the internet?
>> - Brian
>From jhatch@iii.net Wed Aug 17 01:11:50 1994
>Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 21:10:45 -0400
>From: Jason Hatch <jhatch@iii.net>
>Subject: Re: Wanted Sun/IBM systems/parts
>To: Brian Kantor <brian@nothing.ucsd.edu>
>
>I posted it on every group that said items forsale. Many of them listed
>american cities, and I have seen non which listed other countries.
>
>What it says about my knowlege of the internet is that I'm a power user.
>I wrote a c program which grepped "forsale" from every description line
>and then piped a file into the message at regulart intervals.
>
>Unless you want me to flood your mailbox to hell, keep your comments to
>your self.
>
>-Jason
From: jahatch@k12.ucs.umass.edu (Jason A. Hatch (Pittsfield PSD))
Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.workstation
Subject: SCSI TAPE DRIVE WITH SUNOS DIST NEEDED FAST
Date: 21 Aug 1994 02:56:57 GMT
Message-Id: <336fpp$cib@nic.umass.edu>
I am in desperate need of a scsi tape drive with sunos 4.*
distribution which I can use to boot a sun 3/60 that has a
crashed file system. I am willing to trade a kodak portable
ink jet printer (really nice) for the tape drive. The
only request is that it be send overnight. (if absolutely
*necessary*, I can pay for shipping) If anyone lives near
Pittsfield, Massachusetts and would like to drop it off, that
would be a plus, too (will pay for gas).
Thanks in advance,
Jason
--
/ _/_ /
o /_ __. / _. /_
/_/ /_(_/|_(__(__/ /_
/
-'
From: jahatch@k12.ucs.umass.edu (Jason A. Hatch (Pittsfield PSD))
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.misc,comp.sys.sun.wanted,misc.forsale.computers.workstation,misc.forsale.computers.other
Subject: SCSI TAPE DRIVE WITH SUNOS DIST NEEDED FAST
Date: 21 Aug 1994 18:36:53 GMT
Message-Id: <3386s5$lfh@nic.umass.edu>
I am in desperate need of a scsi tape drive with sunos 4.*
distribution which I can use to boot a sun 3/60 that has a
crashed file system. I am willing to trade a kodak portable
ink jet printer (really nice) for the tape drive. The
only request is that it be send overnight. (if absolutely
*necessary*, I can pay for shipping) If anyone lives near
Pittsfield, Massachusetts and would like to drop it off, that
would be a plus, too (will pay for gas).
--
/ _/_ /
o /_ __. / _. /_
/_/ /_(_/|_(__(__/ /_
/
-'
From: jhatch@iii1.iii.net (Jason Hatch)
Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.workstation
Subject: Wanted badly: sun scsi tape drive or shoebox with sunos for 3/60
Date: 21 Aug 1994 19:26:04 -0400
Message-Id: <338nqv$ma0@iii1.iii.net>
I am in desperate need of a scsi tape drive with sunos 4.*
distribution which I can use to boot a sun 3/60 that has a
crashed file system. I can take a shoebox with sunos 4.?? for
the 3/60 instead.
I am willing to trade a kodak portable
ink jet printer (really nice) for the tape drive. Also, I
have a serial print buffer and paralell print buffer (both new
with 5 year warantee and free compuserve account and
compuserve manuals) docs. The parallel has 64k and the serial
has 256k. They were going for $209 last year.
The only request is that it be send overnight. (if absolutely
*necessary*, I can pay for shipping) If anyone lives near
Pittsfield, Massachusetts and would like to drop it off, that
would be a plus, too (will pay for gas).
So if you can help, I'd appreciate it as I had a filesystem
crash.
Thanks in advance,
Jason
From: jhatch@iii1.iii.net (Jason Hatch)
Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.workstation
Subject: Wanted badly: sun table tape drive or shoebox with sunos for 3/60
Date: 22 Aug 1994 14:17:24 -0400
Message-Id: <33aq47$qpm@iii1.iii.net>
I am in desperate need of a scsi tape drive with sunos 4.*
distribution which I can use to boot a sun 3/60 that has a
crashed file system. I can take a shoebox with sunos 4.?? for
the 3/60 instead.
I am willing to trade a kodak portable
ink jet printer (really nice) for the tape drive. Also, I
have a serial print buffer and paralell print buffer (both new
with 5 year warantee and free compuserve account and
compuserve manuals) docs. The parallel has 64k and the serial
has 256k. They were going for $209 last year. I also have a
nice Okidata Microline fast 9 pin printer.
The only request is that it be send overnight. (if absolutely
*necessary*, I can pay for shipping) If anyone lives near
Pittsfield, Massachusetts and would like to drop it off, that
would be a plus, too (will pay for gas).
So if you can help, I'd appreciate it as I had a filesystem
crash.
Thanks in advance,
Jason
From: jhatch@iii1.iii.net (Jason Hatch)
Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.workstation
Subject: Sun 3/60 owners, please read!
Date: 22 Aug 1994 19:17:08 -0400
Message-Id: <33bbm7$s3m@iii1.iii.net>
I just crashed my Sun 3/60. I have no tape drive, network, cd
rom or other computer to boot off of. I need to obtain a scsi
tape drive that will work with a 3/60, as well as the sunos
dist tape which I can use to boot with. (a copy or otherwise
bootable tape can be substituted. (I need to have all that is
needed to mount a drive and run /etc/MAKEDEV.))
I am willing to pay whatever it takes, but I need this drive
very soon. I can pay cash or trade. If you have a tape drive
but are not sure if you wanna sell it, please reply anyway :)
Please email me and expect immediate response.
-Jason
From: jhatch@iii1.iii.net (Jason Hatch)
Newsgroups: misc.forsale.computers.workstation
Subject: scsi tape drive for sun or shoebox needed badly.
Date: 22 Aug 1994 19:21:12 -0400
Message-Id: <33bbtr$s55@iii1.iii.net>
I just crashed my Sun 3/60. I have no tape drive, network, cd
rom or other computer to boot off of. I need to obtain a scsi
tape drive that will work with a 3/60, as well as the sunos
dist tape which I can use to boot with. (a copy or otherwise
bootable tape can be substituted. (I need to have all that is
needed to mount a drive and run /etc/MAKEDEV.))
I am willing to pay whatever it takes, but I need this drive
very soon. I can pay cash or trade. If you have a tape drive
but are not sure if you wanna sell it, please reply anyway :)
Please email me and expect immediate response.
-Jason
------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.video.satellite
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 1994 10:29:38 -0700
From: "Brad D. Clark" <clark@BRAHMS.AMD.COM>
Subject: You know you're a Sat-Junkie when... (long)
Here's something to ease your burdens on this hot summer afternoon.
Imagine you're sitting back in your easy chair, SmartRemote in one
hand and a Cool Bevvie in the other, getting ready for an evening
of Serious SkySurfing... you've checked your signal strengths with
the Good Doctor, the Shepherd's Network, and ABC NewsOne. You're
scanning up in the Ku band, when the dish suddnely seems to have a
mind of it's own. Your Von Weiss hums and then the dish smartly
comes to a halt to where F4 used to be. Your IRD then scans thru
the transponders, until it stops, and the screen turns from blue
to snow. But wait! there's a horizontal sync in there... hey, there's
vertical sync! You fiddle with the fine tune & the skew until you
see color bars emerge partway from the snow. The slate reads "Temple
of the Almighty B..." before it is replaced with a flashing "ROLL
TAPES NOW!!" cue. THe signal strength increases, the sparklies
clear like a curtain, the the picture cuts to black. You hurriedly
chuck a new tape in the VCR, and give it a rolling record-start.
The audio is 6.2/6.8 wide stereo, and your Dolby Pro-logic has, for
some reason, kicked itself in (must have left the stereo on from
watching the Babylon 5 feed last night...).... because the screen
fades from black to the outside of a church, and the stereo speakers
begin to blare with the voice of a Deep South Stump-pulling preacher.....
"Hello friends, and Welcome to the SAT-telite HOWah of POWah!! Live
and direct from the HOly MODALROUNdah TEMMM-ple of GEEEoSYNNNchronicity,
it's PASSStor BRUTHABUD-ah, gonna puh-REACH unto the MASSSSS-es on the
alMIGHT-y POWWW-ah of BUD-ah. Stay RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE-ah, freyends,
because PASSStor BRUTHABUD-ah is just aBOUT-ah tobeGINNNnnn....
Hello freyends, this here is your passsstor, BruthaBud, come to reDEEEM
you from the SIyins and perVERRRRshuns found on this Earth-ah. I come
today-ah to puh-REACH unto you the MESSSssage of the alMIGHT-Y POWWWah
of BUD-ah, and how it kin HEEEeeel your SPIrit, it can HEEEeeel yur
MAHnd, it kin HEEEeeel yur BAHD-y, it kin HEEEEeeeel YUR _SOUL_ my
brothers-n-sisters-ah.
(continued without pronunciation emphasis)
I know, through the Spiritual powers that live in the Clarke belt, that
many of you have been sorely, yea SORELY tried and tempted by the Evil
known to us as, dare I say it? Dare I SAY IT?? DARE I SPEAK THOSE THREE
UNHOLY SYLLABLES??? Brothers and sisters, you know what they are. You
know what they mean. It is a SIGN FROM SATAN, but we here at the Holy
Modal Rounder Temple of Geosynchronicity call upon the POWER OF BUD
to shackle and bind the Devil, the Demon, the Satan, the Anti-BUD
known to the HEathen as D... S.... S.
HAve FAITH my brethern and sistern, for the BUD SHALL SET YOU FREE.
I received a letter from one of the flock, out there in BUD-land yesterday.
It said: Pastor Brother-BUD, I am sorely vexed! Eighteen-inch dishes have
sprung from the earth like a plague of locusts!! Dens of iniquity multiply
around me, all with the Sign of Satan upon them, with the chants of the
Anti-BUD on their foul lips, words like "LAserdisc quality" and "Digital
Audio" and "more pay-per-view choices" and "Showtime every half-hour"...
Pastor Brother-BUD, my soul is shaken to the quick, please pray for
me and send your Holy Guidance so that I may not yield unto temptation
and fall prey to these Minions of the Anti-BUD. Enclosed is a 12-foot
Paraclipse full of money. Bless it's use in the fight against the Evil
known to us all. Signed, BUD-brother Weldon.
Dear, dear dear BUD-brother Weldon.... the Power of BUD hears your plea.
The Almighty BUD has chosen this day to give unto the congregation a
Prophesy! SAy hallelujah. You say you need strength against the Enemy.
Here it is. Go before your BUD, kneel before your BUD, prostrate your-
self before your BUD, then rise up. Rise up. rise up before the Hordes
of the Enemy and saith unto them "I can watch Deutche Welle, and you cannot!
I can watch Babylon 5 before you can! I can watch Biker Billy Cooks With
Fire, and you can not!! I can watch billions and billions of hours of
programming and not pay for it, while your silly little heathen dish
will do nothing but suck your checkbook and credit cards dry!!!!"
If this does not deter them, proclaimeth unto them the Ultimate
Power of BUD by listing off all the audio services from your Holy
South Side Sky Scanner Chart. If there are still any standing before
you, still tempting you with their Evil Powers, goeth unto their unholy
place of worship, and do as this: kick the closest receptor of the Evil
signals form the Sky as far as your boot will place it, then look unto them
and proclaimeth: I dare you, under the POwer of the Almighty BUD, to try
that on _MY_ dish!
All HAIL the redeeming MIGHTY MIGHTY POWER of the One True BUD. Can I get
an "Amen"....
Brother, sisters, the hour is late, the time is night at hand, all the
True Prophecys of BUD are coming together for the Final Hour. You in the
congregation say: Pastor Brother-BUD, what can I do? How should I pray?
Where should I park my Receiver of the Holy Signal from the Holy Trans-
ponder so that I may see and hear the Uplink of the Final Coming?
Well, my friends, here is what you need to do: place one hand on your
monitor, place the other hand on the back of your IRD, wrap the satellite
cables all around your body, and proCLAIM the POWER OF BUD throughout
the NATIONS! Do this NOW!! Do it RIGHT NOW!!! You will see VISIONS!
You will dream DREAMS!! You will actually FEEL THE POWER OF THE ALMIGHTY
BUD surging through your body. I want to see every one of you out there
within the sound of my voice do this very thing RIGHT NOW! Can you
FEEL the POWER? CAn you feel it?? Say Hallelujah!
Amen, and amen, brothers and sisters....
Friends, before I leave you tonight, I would like to say thank you to
those out there in the congregation who have given their all in heart,
body, mind and spirit to th the Almighty BUD. To Guru Brother GaryB,
Keeper of the Sacred Testaments and Steward of the Most Holy Lopez
Server: keep the faith, my brother, your prayers to Almighty BUD will
be answered, for a package is already on it's way... to Guru Brother
Robbert, Keeper of the Most Holy South Side Sky Scanner Chart, blessings
be upon you for all of those Prophesies and Preachings in the Name of
the Most High BUD... to Guru Sister MaryAnne, Keeper of the Most Holy
29-hour Schedule X, and Mother Superior to her flock of Macintoshes...
to Newly Proclaimed Guru Brother Mike-from-Tulsa, Keeper of the Most Holy
Uplink... to Newly Proclaimed Guru Brother Captain Herm, Keeper of the
Guru Brother GaryB... to Newly Proclaimed Guru Brother Weldon, Keeper
of the Most Holy Tilton Fart Tape... to Newly Proclaimed Guru Brother
Ron and Associate Brother Charlie for laying their very lives at the mercy
of the Unholy City COuncil, and, with their faith like Daniel in the Den
of Lions, they called upon the True Power of BUD in their time of need
and BUD did deliver them from their peril, BUD opened the eyes and hearts
of the Heathen un-Dished to allow them their Temples, at which to worship
and give praise and sacrificial offerings to the Almighty BUD. Say A_MEN!!_
REmember, friends, be watchful, for the Anti-BUD is among us. The Evil
that is the Anti-BUD can only be cleansed by the Power of the ALmighty BUD.
Accept the Almighty BUD into your hearts, and cast out the demon spirits
of the Anti-BUD. Until the next time, my brothers and sisters in BUD,
this is your pastor Brother-BUD exhorting you to go forth into the world
and continue to proclaim the ALmighty Loving Healing Blessing and Forgiving
Power of BUD!!! BUD-anatha!"
You slowly shake your head as the actuator hums again, a bit more silently
than before, your screen returns to the blue set-up graphics as the dish
swings gracefully over to Galaxy 3. You look closely at your IRD... you
swore that you could see just the faint hint of an afterglow, but it must
be the light from the monitor as transponder 17 locks in, the screen goes
from blue to Shop At Home, and the speakers jolt you back to reality
with the following sound: "beeeBEEEEEEEEboooooOOOOOOOOP......Thank BUD
IT's FRIDAY...."
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End of Yucks Digest
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