Yucks Digest V1 #35

Yucks Digest                Mon, 25 Mar 91       Volume 1 : Issue  35 

Today's Topics:
                       Another stupid criminal
                          art for art's sake
                             Do I hafta?
                         Funny you should ask
                        Hardware vs. Software
                           Joke of the day
              Literary happenings (from rec.arts.books)
                        more strange news....
                             musical JOTD
                            Our VP at work
                     Pet Paraphernalia On Parade
                            Response to m@
                         The Sky is Falling!
                Unix support hotline, may I help you?

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Sat, 16 Mar 1991 18:06:11 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Another stupid criminal
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

Last week's episode of Rescue 911 has a pretty good "Stupid crook story" on it.
Some guy broke into a glass store (the cops wondered why after they got him 
- more on how they got him later - What of value could be taken from a glass
shop?) using a large shovel to break in a window (the window was the type of
glass that does not shatter, but breaks open in a hole, and holds together
besides that - much like auto saftey glass).  He couldn't find anything, and
when he tried to escape out the back, he was run back into the stop by two 
guard dogs there.  He couldn't get out the front door because of all the glass
broken and facing inward, and he had dropped the shovel outside.  He would up
calling 911 to have them come get him out.  He told the operator the whole
story, and she radioed a squad car to go get the man and arrest him after
his "rescue".  The cops, figuring the man must be deranged to be calling in
his own crime, radioed for backup.  A total of 6 cops, a police dog, and a
helicopter were in on the arrest. A policeman later said - "It dosen't take
much brains to be a criminal, but this guy had NONE!".


Date: Mon, 18 Mar 91 16:24:19 GMT
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: art for art's sake
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us

Last night I watched a show on ITV about what I'm convinced must
be one of the great tragedies of the modern art world.  It seems
there's a recently built North American style shopping mall in
Yorkshire where they originally planned to have a diversionary
amusement called The Ride of Life before they ran out of money.
Try to imagine a Disneyland ride designed by Salvador Dali, and 
you have some idea of how awesomely wonderful this would have been.
The idea was that you'd sit in an old couch which is on a track taking 
you through scenes of domestic splendour viewed through a glass darkly.  
The exhibits were built by artist/inventors of the Rube Goldberg 
school, and now they're rusting in a warehouse somewhere.

The best bit they showed was the end, where you get to go through 
either heaven or hell.  Because it's a lot more fun, hell costs 10p.
Heaven, according to the artist, is for people who were monumentally 
boring in life.  It consisted of 36 life-size dummies sitting in 
three rows of twelve identical silver cubicles, all wearing identical 
shirts with "I told you so" written in Greek on the pocket and swaying
in unison while singing My Way.  What an astoundingly meaningful
shopping experience.  What a loss to humanity.  Can't Greenpeace
or Amnesty International or the Club of Rome do something about this?


Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 21:59:59 EST
From: Roger Lustig <roger@phoenix.Princeton.EDU>
Subject: Do I hafta?
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us

An unfortunate shortage of hyphens at the local grand Union
provides a horrifying imperative:



Date: Mon, 18 Mar 91 18:52:09 EST
From: meo%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Martian Fruitcake;876-4840;;435-6049;valkyrie)
Subject: Funny you should ask
To: spaf

Alright, Gene - this your fault ( 8^). Do with it what you will.
I tried not to be too disgusting...


>From a recent interview with Female Entrepeneur of the Year,
Vicki S. Secret:

"Yes, the economic hard times have been hitting us all.
Even here at Victorious Secrets, the increase in sales
is down by .05% this year, causing us to lay off plans
to expand our advertising budget, and reducing the
frequency of storewide sachet replacement to twice
weekly. In at least three stores, postponed pay raises
have forced employees to delay new purchases, and
continue wearing last season's brassieres.

"But we have come up with a way to cover the difference,
as it were, and on top of that, it's an exciting, new
ecologically sound idea, that saves the resources of our
wonderful, sexy, Mother - Earth.

"Now, for the first time ever, you can rent from Victor-
ious Secrets. A fabulous silk gown with 24K gold thread
is only $25/night, or $5/hour. A special 10% discount is
available for newlyweds with a valid marriage license.
Discounts are also available on weekly rentals.

"Robes are available for anywhere from $8 to $32 per night,
depending on style and material. We offer similar deals
on pajamas, slips, bras and panties.

"But our BEST deals are for the woman who likes to feel
really sexy, but doesn't want to wear the same old one
or two piece negligee, teddy, open-ended undies, or
whatever. We have a special deal where you can rent by
the week - you rent a weeks' worth at a time (anywhere
from 2 to 20 outfits). Price varies according to style
and quantity.

"Especially popular right now are the slinky camo-with-lace
string-bikini type undies with 'intimacy holes'. Many
stores are renting these at slightly above our suggested
prices, but throwing in a free, authentic, surplus,
Desert Shield Condom with each rental.

"Now we realize that hygiene may be of some concern to a
few of our customers. Every renter is required to sign a
form promising to clean the garments before returning them.
We don't check them ourselves (don't be disgusting), but
we feel we can trust our customers.

"Of course, some materials, such as silk and wool, and
especially the leather panties, require special cleaning;
this does drive the cost of renting up somewhat.

"For the totally paranoid, we provide a special service.
With 24 hours notice and a charge card number, we will
personally supervise the cleaning of the garments you wish
to rent.

"We also sell these garments at a reduced price after a
dozen or so uses - price varies according to condition.

"As with all purchases, satisfaction (at least with the
performance of our product) is guaranteed. If for any
reason you are dissatisfied, just return it to the point
of sale for a swap. With rentals, of course, this gets a
bit tricky; you can only swap within one hour of renting.

"Finally, we offer a lease/purchase plan. Unfortunately,
the IRS has warned us that they are not likely to accept
any sort of business deduction for undergarment or sleep-
wear leasing, but the monetary benefits in these troubled
times may still be substantial from a cashflow perspective."


Date: Wed, 20 Mar 1991 22:25:20 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Hardware vs. Software
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

>From "Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's"

Describing the difference between computer hardware and software:

	"Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer
(not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that
you can only curse at are called software."


Date: Mon, 25 Mar 91 05:30:02 PST
From: brd@bigbrd (Bill Danielson)
Subject: Joke of the day
To: joke-of-the-day@bigbrd

Source : Seen in Herb Caen's column in Feb 22 San Francisco Chronicle: 

Q: "How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in a light

A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."


Date: Tue, 19 Mar 91 23:50:52 CST
From: chk@rice.edu (Charles Koelbel)
Subject: Literary happenings (from rec.arts.books)
To: spaf

In article <2550@odin.cs.hw.ac.uk>, sfleming@cs.hw.ac.uk (Stewart T. Fleming) writes:
 A couple of literature-related topics this month :
 The Director of one of Britain's radio stations has cancelled the
 serialization of Tolstoy's epic "War and Peace".  Ten weeks of the
 series had been broadcast before it was realised that at the current
 rate of progress, it would take approximately 70 years to complete the
 book.  As compensation, the station is now running a competition to win
 a video commentary on the book.  This comes in the form of a 3-video
 set.  In Russian.  Without subtitles.
 It could be worse.  One of Japan's daily newspapers has been serialising
 a novel for the past 20 years.  It is expected to be published in a
 40-volume hardback set "shortly".
 Another BBC Radio programme (Radio 4's "Strange Tales") has revealed a
 mysterious 250-year-old scandal involving the statue commemorating
 William Shakespeare in Westminster Abbey.  Sharp-eyed readers will note
 that the inscription on the statue appears to be Prospero's famous
 speech (which I have conveniently forgotten.  "...The cloud-cupp'd
 towers, the  gorgeous palaces, Shall dissolve and leave not a wreck
 behind..." ?) from "The Tempest" (generally taken to be W.S.'s last
 play), but in fact it has been altered quite intentionally.
 The difference has been noted for some while now, but the significance
 has only recently become apparent.  The chairman of the Baconian
 Society, Mr Thomas Brockenham, claims that the inscription actually
 contains a secret code, which when decoded using a cipher published in
 1625 (!), reveals the claim that "The Tempest" was actually written by
 Francis Bacon.  More interestingly, the statue was erected by public
 subscription by several prominent pupils of Bacon, including Alexander
 Disclaimer : I don't know whether this is true or not (!).  Perhaps a
 London-based reader could get the full text of the inscription and
 compare it to the real speech.  More details if and when they appear.


Date: Mon, 25 Mar 91 03:36:55 -0500
From: "Gunter Ahrendt" <cmc@dolphin.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: more strange news....
To: spaf

briton peter brimblecombe, a specialist in atmospheric chemistry, told
reporters in december that two major causes of sulfide that erode museum
photographs and paintings are wet woolens (people often go to galeries on rainy
days) and "bio-efflunts" (i.e. flatulence).  his solution?  "if people have to
go to galleries and museums, they should wear no clothes and control

a note from the office of u.s. representative robert michel (of illinois) in
november, responding to a vitriolic letter from henry herman, 77, who
complained about "putrid sould," "jackals," "liars," and "parasites" in
government and included a $1 bill to "get [michel's] attention," read in its
entirety, "henry, up yours." 

carlos norman mullis, 24, pleaded guilty to drunk driving in red deer, alberta,
last spring but poignantly asked for leniency in sentencing, claiming that he
had finally given up drinking several months before. at the prosecutor's
request, mullis was taken from the courtroom for a breathalyzer test, which
revealed a 0.11 percent blood alcohol level. 

steven lane, the chief executive officer of emerson radio corporation, who
suffered $12 million in losses on october 1987's black monday, sued drexel
burnham lambert recently for incompetence.  lane's drexel broker was his wife,

captain craig fisher, an air force pilot, lost control of his $19.9 million
f-16 jet fighter in december when he went to use his "piddle pack," a sponge
filled plastic pouch used for urinating.  fisher said he took the "piddle pack"
from a pocket in his flight suit so he could urinate, unhooked his lap belt,
unzipped his flight suit and was "raising myself up an inch or two so that the
piddle pack would have a clear path down." the plane subsequently crashed near
the palmdale air terminal north of los angeles.  fisher parachuted to safety
suffering only minor muscle strain to his neck. 


Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 22:11:21 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Mozart Dilemma Finally Licked
To: spaf, yucks@ucsd.edu

>From ucsd!sdd.hp.com!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!lll-winken!uunet!mcsun!ukc!pyrltd!threel.co.uk!jf Thu Mar 21 22:09:15 PST 1991

>From the Manchester Guardian, 15Mar91, WOP:

(By Videk Chaudhary)

A canon written by Mozart and supressed by his publishers for being
"unruly" received its first public performance yesterday to launch a
festival celebrating the bicentenary of his death. 

"Leck mich in Arsch" - "Lick my arse" - was originally submitted by
Mozart's father to the publishers Breitkopf and Hartel for use in their
complete edition in 1799, along with other canons his son had written.

Innocuous alternatives were substituted for some of the more "unruly"
phrases.  But though some of the original canons survived, others were lost
and have been eagerly sought after by scholars. 

A copy of Mozart's complete works in the Breitkopf edition, which includes
the original texts inserted in handwriting underneath Breitkopf's censored
version, has now been bought by Harvard University Library.

These works will form part of a festival of concerts at London's South Bank
Centre in August, entitled Mozart Now.

"Leck mich in Arsch" was previously known only by its initials, LMIA, but
the real text was revealed for the first time: "Lick my arse, quickly,
quickly, quickly..."

A Mozart exhibition will be held in August to coincide with the South Bank
concerts.  His marriage contract and some personal letters will be included
in it. 


Date: Wed, 20 Mar 91 11:21:20 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: musical JOTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

"Phillip Glass."


Date: Fri, 22 Mar 91 12:27:27 -0500
From: "Gunter Ahrendt" <cmc@dolphin.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: Our VP at work
To: spaf

Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense 
cannot beat a better offense.'  In other words a good offense wins.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the 
                   offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
                   with the defensive system of NATO

Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability.  I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN
the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that 
is right here.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
		   Hawaii, September 1989

What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind.  Or not to have a mind
at all.  How true that is.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
                   speaking to the United Negro College Fund

You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
                   whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"

Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment.  "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
		   Forum, March 1990

It's rural America.  It's where I came from.  We always refer to ourselves
as real America.  Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Target prices?  How that works?  I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state.  Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
                   define the term "target prices."
                   Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press 
                   conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I 
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.

Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of 
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle
                   Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
                -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. 
                   [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to 
                   the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
                   the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
                   [this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
                      but it's still funny]

getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
                   work dealing with cruise missles

I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that 
have had a difficult time.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at 
                   an Ohio steel plant,1988

[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate

Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he 
                   would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988

Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports
                   his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.

I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

	Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
	I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
	I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
		-- Vice President Dan Quayle


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 91 21:27:54 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Pet Paraphernalia On Parade
To: spaf

   Water beds for dogs, the finest haute cuisine for cats and
fragrances for both Fido and Kitty went on display this weekend at
the spring trade show for that special pet in your life.
   The 3rd annual Pet Industry Spring Trade Show is serious business 
$11 billion in retail sales annually, according to the show's
organizers. But many of the 300 companies displaying the latest in
pet pampering find it hard to describe their products with straight
   "This is not brain surgery," said Mort Stillman, president of
Highland Park, Ill.-based Europet. "People do actually buy this. If
the dog ever gets it, we don't know."
   Product buyers have a lot to choose from in the three-day show,
which ends Sunday. Items range from the more mundane  leashes, bird
cages and dog dishes  to the fun and frivolous.
   Stillman proudly shows what's chic in squeaky doggie toys. No
bones about it. There are rubber loaves of French bread, tiny pianos
and a line of cartoon-faced mock vegetables. Suggested retail price:
about $6.95.
   "We make fun out of it all," Stillman said. "The business was just
going along with no imagination. We decided to go with some class.
You just keep seeing the same toys over and over otherwise."
   He then goes over to the "pooper scooper" table and models a small
biodegradable bag. Pet owners can pick up their animal's droppings by
placing the sack over the mess, snapping the sack shut and then
throwing it away.
   Company officials say their business seems recession-proof, with
most only seeing a slight dropoff in sales during the last year.
About 40 percent of sales come during the fourth quarter and the
holiday season, sales representatives say.
   "People are always going to spend on their pets," said David
Jaret, the owner of Canine Cushion, based in Marietta, Ga. "When
they're feeling down, they buy for their pet."
   If a cushion isn't enough comfort for your dog, there's always a
water bed. New York City-based City Dog Designed, with its fire
hydrant logo, offers water beds that company president Karen Winkler
said is the only way to keep a dog cool in the summer.
   Dogs, who can only sweat through their tongues and paw pads, can
take advantage of less fur on their tummies to beat the heat, Winkler
said. The beds, which retail for between $34.95 and $79.95, also
feature thermal covers for the winter.
   Cats are a little fussier than dogs, so cat owners try even harder
to please their feline, said Linda Coffey, president of L. Coffey
Ltd. in Minneapolis.
   Half-ounce packets of "Haute Feline" are branded the gourmet fish
snack. Most of her other products, such as mock pearls topped off
with a small bone or fish, are snapped up by upscale stores such as
Neiman-Marcus, Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth Avenue, she said.


Date: Wed, 20 Mar 91 9:51:35 EST
From: wex@hawk.ulowell.edu (Paul Wexelblat)
Subject: Response to m@
To: Yucks-request

While you're at the shore, take a bucket of paint and a brush, paint the backs
of all the boats, and really get the folks annoyed at you as you
leave no stern untoned.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 91 22:01:09 PST
From: lauren@vortex.COM (Lauren Weinstein)
Subject: The Sky is Falling!
To: spaf@vortex.COM




                          Issued:  04:00 UT, 24 March

                         Major Geomagnetic Storm Alert
                          Major Auroral Storm Warning



     The interplanetary shock arrived at approximately 03:41 UT on 24
March.  The magnetosphere compression has produced a strong magnetic Sudden
Storm Commencement signature over middle latitudes.  The disturbance
surpassed 200 nT (gammas) locally.  Minor storm level fluctuations are
expected for the next several hours, followed by storm intensification to
major or severe storm levels with the arrival of the main phase.  There is a
good possibility for severe magnetic storming over middle and high latitudes.
This shock translates to a velocity of approximately 1,400 km/s (which is

     A major auroral storm is expected to begin between 05:00 UT and 10:00 UT
24 HOURS.  High to very high auroral activity is expected for high and
middle latitudes.  Significant activity is likely.

     Major HF propagation disruptions are possible.  The shock has produced
significant increases in noise, absorption and fading over middle
latitudes.  Strong degradation in HF signal propagation is expected to
begin anytime now and intensify between 05:00 UT and 10:00 UT on 24 March.

     Widespread VHF auroral backscatter communications will be possible
over middle and high latitudes.  Low latitude auroral backscatter will be
possible as well, but not quite as widespread as middle and high latitudes.

     Electrical induction by intense geomagnetic perturbations are likely
with this storm.  Severe storm periods with intense magnetic fluctuations
are possible.

     The following alerts are in progress:


The storm is expected to last at least 12 to 24 hours.  Strong post-storm
activity is possible.


**  End of Alert  **


Date: 21 Mar 91 11:30:02 GMT
Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for
safety's sake, must remain anonymous).

I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who 
determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and 
then place it on a queue.  The receptionists attach a "headline" to each 
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is 
within their area of expertise.  Unfortunately, the receptionists are not 
generally familiar with Unix.

Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.

    "Previous shelves have been filled.  Processes are dangling."
    "Trying to get a back door booth"
    "Problem with supper block"
    "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
    "Problem with the getty desk"

Spelling errors can happen.

    "Question on COBOL air conditions"
    "Problem with defunk processor"
    "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved.  Picture this:

    "System running in two time zones"
    "Error log file that self purges"
    "The program keeps changing"
    "Terminal is screaming"

There is some hardware we just don't support.

    "Getting rat errors"
    "Part number for prompt chip"
    "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

    "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"
Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.

    "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"
Users may get a little fed up.

    "The light is flashing"
    "Getting error message that says enough already"
    "Can something be done.  If so, how?"

Maybe our software is just too boring.

    "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"

This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.

    "Colonel destroyed"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

    "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
         ... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
    "Printer not talking properly"
         ... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
    "Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
         ... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
    "How much swab space?"
         ... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
    "Command responds too rapidly"
         ... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
    "Would like to kill a certain group of users"
         ... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
    "Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
         ... Sounds like a personal problem!

Finally, this one is just too theoretical.

    "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"


End of Yucks Digest