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Yucks Digest V1 #34



Yucks Digest                Mon, 18 Mar 91       Volume 1 : Issue  34 

Today's Topics:
      A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
             Apple Computer wins ruling against 'Windows'
                     Carry your Faraday umbrellas
                    Computer Mimics Author's Style
                     How To Toast: 39 Easy Steps
                     La-Di-Da Briefcases For Rent
                          news of the weird
                    Stumped For Sermon? Sermonshop
                         TEMPORAL SEMANTICS 
                  The Seven Stages of Usenet Posting
                         Yucks Digest V1 #33

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 18 Mar 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: md@marvin.hq.ileaf.com (Mark Dionne x5551)
Subject: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

   As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.

   We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any 
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found 
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an 
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.

(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
Reproduced with permission.)

------------------------------

Date: 16 Mar 91 06:49:41 GMT
From: john@newave.UUCP (John A. Weeks III)
Subject: Apple Computer wins ruling against 'Windows'
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.system

In article <1468@vtserf.cc.vt.edu> cohill@vtserf.cc.vt.edu (Andrew M. Cohill):
> In article <1991Mar15.101202.1@csc.anu.edu.au> pfr654@csc.anu.edu.au:
> > GO APPLE!!!

> So why is it "successful"?  [ discussion on windows 3.0 deleted ]

I was going to do a top ten list, but I am a bit grogy (1:00 AM), so just
a few random notes:

1. Windows has an excellent card game that even allows PC dweebs to win.
2. DOS users are acustomed to buying shelfware.
3. The "Windows 3.0" start-up screen lets others know that you are in
   the "in crowd" without even having to use windows.
4. Windows is equally hard to install on any PC machine.
5. Most hardware dealers give Windows 3 away to promote add-on sales.
6. Windows is an excuse for PC dweebs to justify buying 4 megabytes of
   memory that they would not otherwise be able to use.
7. Windows is just like the Macintosh but on a PC. (tee-hee!)
8. The programming interface changes with every Windows release, which
   puts novices at the same level as power programmers.
9. Windows turns your PC into a screaming multi-tasking power-house.
10. Windows allows you to use that mouse you purchased 3 years ago in
    a fit of Macintosh envy.

(BTW, #1 above does not imply that I think all PC users are dweebs.
After all, I am a PC user, and I am not a dweeb.  Rather, when I say
dweeb, I mean to refer to corporate management type PC "power users"
that barely know how to turn the power on and think that booting 123
constitutes a computer skill.)

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 16:31:38 EST
From: kelley@flowcyt.cyto.purdue.edu (Steve Kelley)
Subject: Carry your Faraday umbrellas
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us

Reposted from another mailing list -- I liked this because it's
vaguely eery, and looks like it belongs on alt.conspiracy but doesn't.

Subject: SOLAR TERRESTRIAL BULLETIN - SOLAR AND STORM WARNING UPDATES 
Date: 14 Mar 91 08:32:55 GMT 
 
                /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 
 
                        SOLAR TERRESTRIAL BULLETIN 
 
                              14 March, 1991 
 
                  Solar Information and Warning Updates 
 
                /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 
 
 
UPDATED WARNING INFORMATION 
 
     A MAJOR GEOMAGNETIC STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT for 15 March, 16 
March and 17 March.  A MAJOR geomagnetic storm is likely to occur beginning 
on 15 March over the high latitudes, spreading southward to encompass the 
middle and low latitudes by 16 March.  Middle and low latitudes could reach 
minor storm levels on 15 March, increasing to major storm levels on 16 March. 
 
     A possibility exists for some isolated periods of severe magnetic 
storming, particularly over the high latitude regions.  K-indices should be 
sustained near 6 and 7 over high latitudes.  Middle latitude magnetic K 
values could peak at 7, but will likely remain confined to values of 5 and 6. 
Magnetic A-indices over middle latitudes are expected to reach (or possibly 
exceed) 50 on 16 March.  Values near 30 are possible late on 15 March. 
High latitudes could see A-indices between 60 and 100 on 15 and 16 March. 
 
     Storming should be most intense on 15 and 16 March (particularly 16 
March for the middle latitudes).  A substantial southward migration of the 
auroral zone is possible during this period. 
 
     A LOW LATITUDE AURORAL ACTIVITY WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT for 16 March. 
Significant auroral storming is expected late on 15 March and/or on 16 March. 
Activity may be viewable from the lower latitudes. 
 
     A POTENTIAL EXISTS FOR GEOMAGNETICALLY INDUCED CURRENTS on 16 March. 
Organizations which might be affected are warned to be on the alert for 
possible magnetic storm induction effects.  No significant induction is 
currently anticipated, but conditions could materialize sufficiently to 
produce magnetic induction. 
 
     POTENTIAL SATELLITE PROTON WARNINGS AND POTENTIAL PCA ACTIVITY WARNINGS 
are being issued.  A satellite proton event could materialize when the 
interplanetary shock arrives.  A proton enhancement is already in progress. 
Density enhancements trailing the shockwave could easily push proton levels 
above event thresholds.  Also, additional major solar flaring could spawn 
PCA (Polar Cap Absorption) activity over polar regions.  A condition YELLOW 
alert status for potential PCA activity has been issued by the Space 
Environment Services Center. 
 
     A magnetic SSC is expected on 15 March, marking the arrival of the 
interplanetary shock.  Coincident with the arrival of the shock, radio 
conditions on HF bands will become abruptly disturbed with increased fading 
and noise, increased flutter and LUF's and decreased MUF's.  With the 
arrival of the main phase of the geomagnetic storm, significant distortion, 
absorption and noise can be expected on 16 March.  Periods of signal 
blackouts on the HF bands will be possible.  Some improvement can be 
expected on 17 March, with significant improvements occurring on 18 March 
(barring any further major flaring - which seems likely at the moment). 

[Maybe this explains why I'm down with pneumonia right now.... --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 91 14:27:08 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Computer Mimics Author's Style
To: spaf

   SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP)
   Call it Silicon Valley of the Dolls, a new steamy novel written
mostly by a computer that mimics the style of the late Jacqueline
Susann. Writer and computer whiz Scott French says "Just This Once"
is the book Susann would have written if she were alive today.
   "I didn't copy her words or even sentences, but her way of
thinking. And I don't think you can copyright the way a person
thinks," said French, who lives 20 miles south of San Francisco in
Foster City.
   French's 350-page book is about several young women who succeed in
the rock music and film industries in the 1980s but destroy
themselves with drugs and fast living. Sound familiar?
   Susann's 1966 "Valley of the Dolls" covers the 1940s to 1960s with
a story of drug abuse among Hollywood's rich and powerful. It's the
best selling novel of all time with 26 million copies in print.
   Here's how the texts compare. First, a scene from Susann's
"Valley" in which singer and movie star Neely O'Hara is distraught at
losing a role to a younger actress:
   "She went into the house and grabbed a bottle of Scotch off the
bar. Then she went to her bedroom, pulled the blinds to shut out the
daylight, shut off her phone and swallowed five red pills. Five red
ones hardly did anything now."
   Now French and his computer, with a passage in which rock singer
Lisa smokes free-base cocaine with her boyfriend:
   "Lisa picked up the large propane torch and cracked the valve open
a hair. The compressed gas hissed out like an angry rattlesnake. She
snapped the flint wheel on her lighter and the stream of invisible
gas flashed into an iridescent blue streak. ... She brought the tip
of the pipe to her lips and watched the compound vaporize under the
blue hot tip of the torch."
   Not yet in print, French's book already has at least one critic.
   "I'm neither a lawyer nor a computer expert, but something about
this whole thing strikes me as wrong," said Stuart Applebaum, a
spokesman for Susann's publisher, Bantam Books.
   He called French's method "computerized literary ghost" writing
and said he did not think it would sell.
   But other publishing houses were not so quick to judge.
   "The consensus here is, if it's a good novel, it would probably
get published by someone," said an editorial assistant at Houghton
Mifflin in New York who spoke on condition of anonymity. "People
mimic other people's writing all the time. So what if it's a computer
doing it?"
   On Tuesday, French signed with New York literary agent Lois de la
Haba, who said she would seek legal advice about linking Susann's
name to the novel before trying to sell it.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Mar 91 17:08:08 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: How To Toast: 39 Easy Steps
To: spaf

   WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. (AP)
   The assignment was simple  toast bread. But complex was better
than simple and the winner went through 39 steps involving marbles, a
toy train, a robot arm and a mousetrap to move the bread.
   Teams from Purdue University, the University of Arkansas, the
University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and Oakland University in Michigan
competed Saturday in the 9th annual national Rube Goldberg Machine
Contest before more than 500 spectators.
   The contest honors the spirit of the late cartoonist who
specialized in drawing whimsically complicated machines to perform
the simplest of tasks. In this year's competition, contestants had to
use at least 20 steps and toast the bread within five minutes.
   The "Toast Masters," Purdue's entry by the Society of
Manufacturing Engineers, successfully defended the school's
championship.
   Among other things in the machine's sequence of events, a
mousetrap was triggered, knocking over a smokestack, which triggering
the train to chug along its track carrying the bread.
   Overhead, yellow and black race cars crisscrossed on strings and
crashed into an oak bucket, which released an arm and in turn
released a pink bunny wearing dark sunglasses that traveled along a
trail and tripped a trap.
   Also moving around in the complex process were marbles, a
fountain, a barrel and the robot arm, which grabbed the toast when it
popped out of the toaster.
   It all cost more than $100 to assemble.
   "I'm really pleased with how it worked," said Steve Weinrich, a
senior from Pennington, N.J., studying computer-integrated
manufacturing technology. "The only damper we had was the mousetrap.
It's never failed until today. It was misaligned and didn't hit the
target right."
   The rules allow teams a second attempt if their machine has a
glitch on the first run.
   Arkansas' entry, by the Tau Hogs, featured a figure of Saddam
Hussein, a balloon, a blow-dryer and a mousetrap.
   But the $10 contraption didn't quite survive the 680-mile trip
from Fayetteville.
   "Our machine was working great when we left but when you break it
down and cram it into a Suburban, it's kind of hard," said team
member David Gross of Fort Smith, Ark.
   Gross and teammate Craig Deaton of Conway, Ark., admired Purdue's
neatly painted machine, but preferred their amateur-looking effort.
   Wisconsin-Milwaukee's entry finished second with the contest's
smallest machine, which performed to the Beatles' song "A Day in the
Life."
   A plastic male figure rambled through his morning routine while a
comb dragged across his head and cereal poured into a bowl before his
car tumbled out of a garage, eventually triggering the toaster into
action.
   A maximum of 100 points were awarded for successful completion of
the task, creativity, complexity, the use of related themes and
keeping in the spirit of the contest. Points were deducted for
inedible toast or human intervention once the machine started.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 21:57:23 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: La-Di-Da Briefcases For Rent
To: spaf

   BOSTON (AP)
   Budding executives can take heart if they can't afford a status
briefcase, one store is renting out the attaches for the affluent.
   London Harness Co., a downtown emporium that boasts its 1776
founding makes it the oldest retail store in America, is using a
newfangled strategy to woo customers to its decidedly traditional
merchandise.
   London Harness is targeting college kids out for their first
interview, and corporate climbers looking to dazzle the bigwigs.
   Under the plan, a $950 handcrafted leather attache rents for about
$38 a day. That's 4 percent of the selling price, plus and a hefty
deposit.
   It's just the latest in a series of innovative marketing
strategies for staying afloat through one of the worst recessions to
hit New England in decades.
   "One of the statistics about the recession that doesn't get much
attention is the fact 75 percent of the people out of work are white
collar," said store owner John McManmon. "A lot of people are
interviewing and might not want to spring for a $500 bag."
   If the interview goes well, that renter might become a buyer,
McManmon said. The rental fees can be put toward purchase.
   Ranging in price from $150 to $950, the all-leather handmade cases
come in traditional box styles or the sleeker, more modern designs.
   Radio ads have produced about 10 renters in the first few weeks.
   In addition, London Harness is relying on a simple, stylish sign
to promote the new business: "For your next conference or interview
... You'll make a lasting impression."

[I wonder if the economy is beginning to hurt businesses like
"Victoria's Secret"?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 15 Mar 91 23:32:36 GMT
Subject: news of the weird
Newsgroups: rec.humor

in response to hair-raising complaints by coworkers, dallas county district
judge david k. brooks told a reporter in october that he considers his
"eccentricity" a private matter not affecting his abilities as a judge.
according to coworkers, brooks had slammed his head and fists into the walls
several times while alone in his office, and on one occasion he had ripped
a sink out of a bathroom wall.

joey blackburn, 24, survived six gunshot wounds in the head during an
argument at a party in manchester, tennessee, in november, wandering the
streets for an hour before finding the hospital emergency room.  doctors
said at least two of the bullets broke the skin and traveled "around" the
skull without penetrating it.

new mexico state representative ray vargas, answering a dwi charge in
november, said he suffers from candidiasis, a rare disease that causes
him to brew alcohol internally.  an expert consulted by vargas said bacteria
and yeast grow to excess in his stomach and cause ordinary carbohydrates to
ferment.  (the prosecutor told the judge it didn't matter where vargas got
the alcohol.  the judge agreed and found him guilty.)

plastic surgeons in beverly hills are now offering silicon implants to
enlarge men's pectorals.  an official of the american society of plastic
and reconstructive surgeons believes the operation is riskier than breast
implants for females because the silicon is planted behind muscle.

a u.s. patent was recently issued to a japanese inventor for a device used
to observe "the condition of feces" by inserting a video-camera wire into
the stool and dialing up the picture on a monitor.

a 40-year-old flight attendant, so worried about providing a urine sample
for a drug test that she couldn't perform, was told to drink water.  she
drank so much that her brain swelled, causing her to require hospitalization.
she is only the eighth known contractor of "water intoxication" (excluding
people with mental conditions), because it is difficult for a person to
drink that much water.  here husband believes she drank three quarts. (she
tested clean.)

halitosis researchers at tel aviv university have scheduled the first world
symposium on bad breath for april in mexico.  the organizers said bad breath
afflicts more than 80 percent of the world's adult poplulation and remedies
contribute $500 million yearly to the u.s. gross national product.

in december in new delhi, four men (aged 82, 71, 63, and 62) were acquitted
of charges that they defrauded a government-run transport company by buying
bogus motor parts.  the alleged crime occurred in 1955, and the trial began
in 1957.  hearings continued off and on for 33 years before judge v.b. gupta
concluded that the government had failed to prove its case.

police in mint hill, north carolina (near charlotte), recently released
timothy belk, 34, from his confinement in a nine-by-ten-foot wire cage in
the shiloh true light church of christ, where he had been held by church
officials who apparently felt they were being compassionate because he was
mentally ill.  belk was confined with permission of his mother, who claimed
her son was comfortable, and of church leader rommie purser, who said "we
did this out of love and concern for this young man" and called his release
a case of unwarranted government intervention.

houston casket salesman richard joseph herrin, 44, was accused in november
of dumping more than 60 cadavers in mass graves instead of burying or
cremating them as he was supposed to.  (he had contracted with texas
chiropractic college to dispose of unusable bodies donated to it for
research.)  a local prosecutor said 19 cadavers were missing.

in october kathy owen and her sister told a reporter that during their
search through files in the county courthouse in lake butler, florida--
they were trying to ascertain information on their mother's murder,
which had occurred when they were small girls--they came across an ordinary
cardboard box marked "evidence" in which they found their mother's skull in
an unsealed plastic bag, kept in the box since 1974.  when the sisters
asked to remove the head for burial, clerk margie f. cason said she
couldn't do it without a court order.

sonia sutcliffe, wife of peter sutcliffe (the "yorkshire ripper" who killed
13 people), testified in december in a libel action against the british
newspaper "news of the world" that the paper had referred to peter unfairly.
she said "yorkshire" was correct because he lived there, but that "ripper"
was unfair because he believed he killed his victimes "humanely", with a
hammer to the back of their skulls.

florence blankenship, 51, was found not guilty by reason of insanity in
december of the july 1988 murder of a 19-year-old man in york, virginia.
according to the psychiatric evaluation, she claims she shot the man
because she had received a signal from bandleader lawrence welk.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Mar 91 12:21:14 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Stumped For Sermon? Sermonshop
To: spaf

   BALTIMORE (AP)
   Ministers no longer need wrack their brains for a Sunday sermon,
thanks to a Baltimore reverend's computer bulletin board for clergy
who are at a loss for what to preach from the pulpit.
   Each week, up to 125 Christian clergy and laypeople in the United
States and Canada use Sermonshop to share ideas about sermon topics,
said the Rev. John Sharp, the service's founder and editor.
   "Imagine you're a minister in some far-off rural area and you want
to get to a theological library to research an idea," said Sharp,
pastor of Govans Presbyterian Church in suburban Baltimore.
   "It's just not a physically easy thing to do if you're in the
boonies," he said. "Through Sermonshop, you can send out an SOS and
get feedback from ministers of about 15 denominations in two large
countries."
   Users of the service must subscribe to a Connecticut-based
computer network called Networking World Information Industries,
which operates Sermonshop with Bizlink software. They pay about $7 an
hour to use the service and must sign on for a minimum of $9 each
month, said Sharp, who edits Sermonshop from his church office and
home.
   The Revs. Curtis and Kathleen Ackley, a husband-and-wife pastoring
team at First Congregational United Church of Christ in Corning,
N.Y., said they have used Sermonshop nearly every week since it was
established in 1984.
   "It's a very helpful tool," Curtis Ackley said. "We get ideas from
it, and we give ideas back. We also like it because all the people
from the U.S. and Canada give the service a strong cultural range."

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 91 10:31:33 EDT
From: Rich Epstein <REPSTEIN@gwuvm.gwu.edu>
Subject: TEMPORAL SEMANTICS 
To: Spaf <spaf>

             DEFECTIVE TEMPORAL SEMANTICS IN THE
               GRAVITATIONALLY-CHALLENGED ADULT
                        ----------
                     Prof. Artful Dodger
               Department of Computer Science and
                      Related Concerns
                    University of Southern
                    North Dakota at Hoople
              (we're famous for our music school)
                          ---------

Excerpts from article which will appear in "JOURNAL OF
STEALTH AND DEFECTIVE SEMANTICS", Volume I, Number 1.

Our theory is that most adults who are gravitationally challenged
(Old English: fat, rotund) suffer from a semantic defect and that,
INDEED, this semantic defect is the cause of their affliction. In
particular, this defect relates to their sense of time and a failure
to distinguish between discrete events and continuous processes.

In one experiment, we placed our subject, whom we shall call
Professor Epstein, in order to preserve his anonymity, in a situation
which looked very much like a "Bob's Big Boy" restaurant. Little
did he know that this was actually a clever experimental situation
set up by my grad student of 15 years, Miss Mary Maloney. Playing
the role of waitress, Miss Maloney took the experimental subject's
order, which - consistent with the pattern of the gravitationally
challenged - consisted of various kinds of fried foods which were
to be washed down with Diet Coke.

After finishing off his meal, at great speed, even for one who is
gravitationally challenged, the experimental
subject engaged in the following exchange with Miss Maloney, which
reveals the sort of temporal semantical error which is the subject of
this paper.

Waitress (Miss Maloney): Would you like some dessert?

GCS (gravitationally challenged subject): No. I don't deserve to
    have dessert because I was naughty and had all of this
    fried food.

Waitress: Well, you have to splurge ONCE IN A WHILE.

GCS: That's what I keep telling myself.

There it is - in a nutshell. The gravitationally challenged adult
cannot distinguish between splurging ONCE IN A WHILE and
splurging at such frequent intervals that, in the limit,
it becomes continuous. The technical term for this is "pigging
out".

We believe that this discovery, while not directly beneficial
to those who are gravitationally challenged, will lead to a
published paper in a refereed journal.

This research was sponsored in part by the Society to Stop
Gastric Distress, the Department of Defense and listeners
like you.

------------------------------

Date: 23 Jun 88 19:11:00 GMT
Subject: The Seven Stages of Usenet Posting
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

The seven stages of a Usenet poster, with illustrative examples.

+++++++
1) Innocence

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT THIS
NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP -- HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-) <-- MY  
FIRST 
SMILEY; DO YOU HAVE INTERESTING ONES? PLEASE POST SOME; I THINK THAT  
THEIR 
COOL. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BIZARRE DEAD BABY JOKES?
+++++++
2) Enthusiasm

Wow! This stuff is great! But one thing I've noticed is that everytime
someone tries to tell a dead baby jokes, everyone says that they don't want
to hear them. This really sucks; there are a lot of us who *like* dead
baby jokes. Therefore, I propose that we create the newsgroup
		rec.humor.dead.babies
specifically for those of us who like these jokes. Can anyone tell me how
to create a newsgroup?

+++++++
3) Arrogance

In message (3.14159@BAR), FOO@BAR.BITNET says:
>		[dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene
Spafford *clearly states* in the List of Newsgroups:

	rec.humor.dead.babies	Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it *must*
be a baby -- capeesh?

This person is clearly scum -- they're even hiding behind a pseudonym. I
mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the sysadmin at
BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be revoked immediately.
If said sysadmin does not comply, they are obviously in on it -- I will
urge that their feeds cut them off post-haste, so that they cannot spread
this king of $#!T over the net.

+++++++
4) Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:
> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?
> ^L
> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? We've heard this joke
*at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You people
are dull as dishwater. I give up; I'm unsubscribing, as of now. You can
have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

+++++++
5) Resignation

In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:
>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:
>>How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?
>>With a Cuisinart!
>
> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically
> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with
> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When you've been around as long as I have,
you'll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net.
Look at it this way: at least they haven't overwhelmed us yet. Most
of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and interesting.
We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk until they 
understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but we should
bear with them if they don't. Keep your cool, and don't let it bug
you.

+++++++
6) Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.
>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they
>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you
>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have
>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude
>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.
>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we
>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having
>>> the volume, you TURD?
>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply
>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,
>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens
>> in r.h.d.b. We haven't heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that
>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.
> That doesn't even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me. Doesn't he realize that it will just
take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down 
around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly, 
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, they'll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the
world will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want,
Cluck? To bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system works,
and we shouldn't push at it, lest it break.

+++++++
7) Nostalgia

Well, they've just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My,
how things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I first
joined this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups under the
humorous banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. I'm amazed at how things
have split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups in your 
sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the good old
days, when we could read about it all in one place...

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 91 9:08:22 CST
From: peter@taronga.hackercorp.com (Peter da Silva)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #33
To: Yucks-request

You can include 1 and 0 in hex words, so better add "o" and "i" to your
list... [ of DEADBEEF possibilities...]

[Okay, here's an expanded list to make Peter happy :-)  --spaf]

a aa ab aba abac abaca abaff abb abba abbadide abbe abbie abc abe abed
abide abidi abie abo abode acacia acadia acadie acca accede accidia
accidie ace acedia acid acidic acidific acidoid ad ada adad adai add
adda added addie ade adead adib adicea ado adobe ae aecidiaceae aface
affa afifi ai aid aide ao aoife b ba baa bab baba babai babbie babe
babi babied baboo bac bacaba bacao bacca baccae bad bade bae baff baioc
baiocco baobab be bead beaded bebed beccafico becoiffed bed bedad
bedded bedead bedeaf bee beef beice beid beode biabo biacid bib bibb
bibi bibio bice bid bide biff bifid biod bo boa bob boba bobac bobbed
bobo bocaccio bocca bocce boce bod bode bodice bodiced bodied bodo boid
boidae boii boo boob bood boodie boof c ca cab caba cabda cabio cabob
caca cacao cad caddice caddiced caddie caddo cade cadi caeca cafe caffa
caffeic caid caoba ce cebid cebidae ceboid cede cee ceiba ceibo cf
cicad cicada cicadid cicadidae cid coabode coaid cob cobaea cobbed
cobcab cobia coca coccaceae cocci coccid coccidae coccidia coccidiidea
cocco coccoid coco cocoa cod coda code codiaceae codo coe coed
cofeoffee coff coffea coffee coif coifed coo cooba cooee coof d da dab
dabb dabba daboia dace dad dada dade dado dae daff dao de dead deaf deb
decad decade decadic decafid decide decided decode decoic dedo dee deed
deedeed deface deice deicide deific di diacid dib dicaeidae dice did
dididae didie dido die dieb difda diffide diiodide diiodo diode diodia
dioecia do doab dob dobbed dobe doc dod dodd dodded doddie dode
dodecade dodecafid dodo doe doff doob doodab doodad doodia e ea ebb
eboe ecad ecca ecoid ed edda eddaic eddic eddie eddo edea edifice edo
efface effie f fa faba fabaceae facade face faced facia fad fade faded
fae faff fe fed fedia fee feed fei feif feod feoff feoffee fi fib fice
fico ficoid ficoidaceae ficoideae fid fidac fide fidfad fidia fido fie
fief fife fifie fifo fo fob foci fod fodda foe foo food i iao iba ibad
ibid ibididae ibo icaco ice iced icica id ida idaic iddio ide idea
ideaed idic ido ie if ife ii iii io iodic iodide iodo o oaf obe obi
oboe od oda odacidae odacoid odd ode odic oe of off office officio ofo
oidioid oii ooid

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------