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"Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases
>From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases"
selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen.
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Counsel: And you are involved I take it in both aspects of pathology
here in your practice?
Witness: Yes. I am certified in both.
Counsel: Directing your attention to the 6th of November 1976, in the
evening hours, do you recall being up at Rose Chapel in Paradise?
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: Do you recall examining a person by the name of Rodney Edgington
at the funeral chapel?
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30 P.M.
Counsel: And Mr. Edgington was dead at that time, is that correct?
Witness: No, you dumb asshole. He was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy.
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D.A.: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
D.A.: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.
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Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
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Defense Counsel: So if I hit the prosecutor at this very moment and he fell
over the back of this railing, hit his head and a subdural hematoma
immediately began to form, the blood that was leaking into the space
would have essentially the same components as the blood leaking
into his teeny little brain?
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The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the
psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court
does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me
that he is dumber than a fencepost.
Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.
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Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with
flame analyzation detectors.
The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels?
Witness: Only on the floor models.
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Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is
a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
Witness: Yes.
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did
find some cracking.
Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court
just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions.
So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is
going to find a crack somewhere.
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.
Counsel: Move to strike --
The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the
whole trial.
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Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.