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------- Forwarded Message

From: reid@decwrl.dec.com (Brian Reid)
Subject: FYA: from "The New Mexican"
Date: 25 Jul 88 18:29:57 GMT

Copyright 1988, The New Mexican.
Reproduced by permission. 
 
  By Jack Handley

  (From The New Mexican, Santa Fe, New Mexico)

  MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength
  to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what
  kind it was -- and drive and drive.

  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees
  there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we
  played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older
  guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff or not and then
  I think we went home.

  I guess some things never leave you.

  IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should
  not rule out becoming pure energy.

  ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was
  going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I
  drove him to a burned-out warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said.
  "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that
  deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
  getting pretty late.

  I THINK THEY SOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel
  Prize for paneling.

  HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big
  crack in the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!"
  and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall.

  I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play
  I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one
  of the human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion
  is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like
  that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone
  double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

  WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future,
  don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a
  fossil.

  SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just
  want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle
  and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.

  I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the
  "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think
  it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlmen, what we have here
  is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

  IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way.

  I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.

  IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing
  to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
  crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because
  of something you did."

  IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta
  cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland
  says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat
  fish."

  Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

  A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of
  dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold th burning fuse to
  the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

  I"D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a
  high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by
  metiorites and not even feel it.

  I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone
  would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy
  brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they
  remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get
  mad and eat the snowman.

  I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned
  him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said,
  "I helped skin Bob."

  I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep
  both Dracula and Superman away.

  TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a vodoo globe so that you could make the
  earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

  MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its
  two lives connected by a thin strand.

  Come on, Marta, grow up.

  I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and
  more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar
  system.

  MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said,
  "You know most of these sports are based on the idea of one
  group protecting its territory from invasion by another
  group."

  "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

  TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
  wondered where this started, and i think it goes back to the
  time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

  I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her
  spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a
  beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her
  other qualities.

  WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being
  I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a
  million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

  THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now
  it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other
  cues came crashing go the floor.

  "Sorry," he said with a smile.

  I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We
  called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and
  because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he
  was a bear.

  I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the
  wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

------- End of Forwarded Message