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[osc!amdcad!uunet!AGCB1.LARC.NASA.GOV!KLUDGE@ea.ecn.purdue.edu: World Problems]



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Date:    Mon, 01 Oct 90 10:32:45 -0400 
From:    osc!amdcad!uunet!AGCB1.LARC.NASA.GOV!KLUDGE@ea.ecn.purdue.edu
To:      osc!stupid
Subject: World Problems

Kludge's Solutions To Major World Problems:

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
    Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
    energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most
    probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
    The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
    surplus list.  People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
    a good deal.  And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
    care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
    marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"

2. How to fund private space concerns:
    This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress and second
    the lack of funding.  Both these problems can be solved in one simple 
    manner.  Make slavery legal again.  All the work on the Constitution has
    already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
    Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for
    auction.  I know I'd like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some
    heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would
    as well.  Then, just send the money into space.

3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:
    Make network TV illegal.  Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldn't
    have a severe impact in most areas.  Give half the bandwidth to the ham
    radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio
    network for carrying the .alt groups.

4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:
    Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the 
    outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs.  This will have
    the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating
    extra revenue for the power companies.  Enough ozone will be generated to
    surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV
    radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night
    under the bright arc lamps.  But since only muggers and rapists go out at
    night in big cities, it's okay.  This will reduce the crime problem as 
    well.

5. How to fix the drug problem:
    Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA.
    Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly
    disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone.  The alternative
    of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be
    free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.

6. How to fix the mideast crisis:
    Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic.
    This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews
    and Arabs.  If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be
    employed.  Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have
    a nice cup of tea together.  The side effect is that it might cause the are
a
    to become like Norhtern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.

7. How to fix the crisis in education:
    Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
    standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
    do better.  Also all standardized tests should be in English so that we
    can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese.  Colleges
    should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which
    don't require to students to think very hard, so that we can have more
    college graduates.  A college degree is a right, not a privilege.

8. How to fix the space shuttle:
    Let Pete's Auto Repair take it over.  Pete can find the tiniest leaks in
    seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel.  I swear that
    if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.

9. On the issue of Lithuanian seperatism:
    Annex Lithuania as a part of the United states, and in exchange give
    Alabama to the Soviet Union.  This will make the Lithuanians happy to be
    in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama
    to go with their Georgia, and the United states happy because they will get
    a foreign market for hog jowls.

10. Disarmament:
     Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they won't 
     need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore.  The missiles can be
     used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus
     to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and
     Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them.  Since you can only
     use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and
     become obsolete.  Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the
     savings and loan bailout.

I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful.
- --scott

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