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[lsc@Eng.Sun.COM: n years ago i couldn't even spell engineer]

------- Forwarded Message

Date:    Wed, 19 Sep 90 18:47:18 -0700 
From:    lsc@Eng.Sun.COM
To:      aml_1!eric@Eng.Sun.COM, spaf, mcmanus@composite.stanford.edu,
	 jay@bagel.key.com, sag@athena.mit.edu, flagg@athena.mit.edu,
	 jch@stardent.com
cc:      pex-hacks@suntea.Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: n years ago i couldn't even spell engineer

>From DESPERADO #3036

From:	TLE::DIEWALD "Means, Motive, and Opportunity"
To:	closet::t_parmenter
Subj:	The Psychodynamics of Abnormal Design 

I've been enjoying Desperado now for some time.  Here's something the readers
will appreciate:
 
This article was recently uncovered from my ancient archives (i.e. the stuff
I never unpacked from the last time I moved).  It was written circa 1981, while
"Johnson" was still an undergraduate at the University of Michigan.
 
===============================================================================
=
 
		The Psychodynamics of Abnormal Design
 
			- an irrelevant observation by "Johnson"
 
Perhaps you have wondered why new cars are always different from old cars,
or why all television antennas look different, or why your new microwave
won't brown the meat.
 
Or it might have struck you as odd that coffee makers are beginning to take
on a striking resemblance to moonshine stills, or that stove burners now
look just like countertops, or that the center of Briarwood Mall is a maze
of ramps and rivers that cunningly prevents you from going anywhere in a
straight line.
 
Or perhaps you have merely lamented the fact that your children may never
know what "clockwise" means.
 
There is a sinister reason for all this confusion; a contagious psychosis
which causes the afflicted designer to take a simple and basic concept and
expand it into an unrecognizable collection of superfluous technology which
only rarely pretends to perform its primary function.  Loosely termed
"abnormal design tendency," it is actually a group of closely related
disorders such as simpliphobia, scifimania, and commonsense schizophrenia.
 
Possibly the single most destructive factor is the wanton compulsion to
modify a sound and proven design.  Most experts agree that this phenomenon
is somehow related to that of a dog in a new house urinating on all the
furniture.  According to veterinarian Sigmund Dogfood:
 
	"The beginning engineer feels that he has to mark out
	his territory immediately.  He therefore finds the first
	record he can read, and modifies it somehow, giving him
	the opportunity to put his initials on it.  Pleased with
	himself, he then sets his behavior pattern accordingly
	and often launches himself into a rewarding but
	thoroughly unproductive career."
  
But this is only a small part of the overall problem.  The worst offenders
by far are electrical engineers.  Often the most offhand remark or twisted
germ of an idea is enough to shatter their already tenuous grasp on reality
and launch them into a frenzy of incomprehensible scribbling and fervent
muttering, the end result of which lacks any sense or meaning whatsoever.
Unfortunately, it usually works and ends up in production.
 
Often, people think that this tendency to design incomprehensible circuitry
is merely a form of ego feeding, thinking that one is somehow superior since
no one else can understand his design.  One guilty party confessed a more
practical motive:
 
"As I see it," he said casually, as though he were not guilty of unspeakable
evil, "someone has to troubleshoot it.  Until someone else figures it out,
I've got a job."
 
This motivation is not universal, though.  Another perpetrator confided that
not even he understood his designs.
 
Computer engineers, although afflicted by this problem, completely eclipse
it with more exotic and unspeakable transgressions.  This bizarre subculture,
primarily cut off from the rest of civilization, has developed behavior
patterns completely alien to the bulk of mankind.  Although these odd habits
are staggering in their numbers, two predominate.
 
"Hacking" is a compulsive desire to spend days or weeks (world record: 14
years, 2 months, 6 days, 4 hours altering an error message, recorded by J.
Diewald) modifying perfectly functional software without substantially
changing its function.  No one knows what possesses these people to exert
so much effort for little or no results; most feel that an urge for anonymity
is the root.  As evidence against this, however, an inmate at Ypsilanti State
is reportedly still typing on an imaginary terminal.
  
"Wheel wars" are an even more unnerving concept.  This is either a strange
game or a thoroughly paranoiac activity in which several programmers,
apparently simultaneously and without prior communication, attempt to take
over the operating system of a medium to large computer.  Thousands of
man-hours are lost in this fashion, and nobody (except perhaps the programmers
themselves) understands the significance of "winning."  This is primarily
because everyone is afraid to ask.
 
One sociologist notes that "the most important sociological function of
computers is to keep programmers off the streets."
 
Chemical engineers, with their suicidal passion for toxicity, have managed
to replace most of the fundamental elements of our daily life with synthetic
counterparts which, if not carcinogenic to begin with, release poisonous
fumes if heated above 82 degrees Fahrenheit.  Even such fundamentals as wood
and cloth are privileged to treatments with such deceivingly innocent names
as "Nu-Glo" or "stain-gard"."  This procedure is in actuality a humane effort
to insure that fire victims don't suffer much.
 
Mechanical engineers are often mistakenly considered more traditional and
rational than most.  A quick trip to Detroit quickly shatters this fragile
illusion.  Many a backyard mechanic has marveled at the overwhelming variety
of extraneous and unfathomable parts in his own vehicle, none of which are
interchangeable with last year's, let alone a different model.  Most do-it-
yourselfers live by 3 basic rules:

	1) If you don't recognize it, you can probably do without it.
	2) If it's over 20 dollars, it can be replaced with baling wire.
	3) Any new car's fuel efficiency can be increased at least 38%
	   by removing everything that's not on the 1968 model.
 
Another frightening concept is introduced here "planned obsolescence".  This
is a technical term which means you spend extra time and money to design
something badly so that it will break pretty soon (1 to 5 days after the
warranty expires).  This is related to destructive testing and crash testing;
essentially, these people like to break things.
 
I hope you have enjoyed this article.  I also hope that, twenty years from
now, you'll sit back and think to yourself:  "What did I design today?"
 
===============================================================================
=

As a postscript to this, I am the "J. Diewald" being poked fun at in the 
article.  In one of those strange cosmic coincidences, I received this 
message while in the process of alphabetizing the debugger error message file
for easier reading.  "Johnson" always has been a little spooky that way. 

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The Reader's Digest version:

"Possibly the single most destructive factor is the wanton compulsion to
modify a sound and proven design.  Most experts agree that this phenomenon
is somehow related to that of a dog in a new house urinating on all the
furniture."

------- End of Forwarded Message