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Yucks Digest V6 #11 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 16 Jul 96 Volume 6 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
... built up the Latin America cocaine cartel, and introduced disco
... to figure out exactly what the duck is uttering.
... with marvellous swiftness and perfect regularity
1 billion newbies on the way.
Al Franken & Rush Limbaugh
Aren't you glad we can now get servos on a chip?
Cake division puzzle
Conspiracy is optimistic!
Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for Saturday, January 27, 1996
Weather isn't all there is....
Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, January 24, 1996
Flaming yourself in cyberspace.
Fly the Friendly Skies
FW: filler: recipe
In a perfect world...
Internet Domain Policy
JOTD (3 msgs)
JOTD - Love and Its Many Forms
Like a pair of of elevator shoes for the head
Names (was Re: a.s.r and ASR)
Offensive JOTD
panic()
Pretty close to Naval Jelly
QOTD (7 msgs)
QOTD - Groucho makes it perfectly clear:
QOTD - Woman without her man is a savage!
Quote of the day (4 msgs)
Risks of military technology in civilian life?
sig line
Sig O' The Day
Texas Secession
the dating game
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office
Well, now that you bring it up...
Yesterday at the Met.
Your parents cheer when you score.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Jan 1996 17:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... built up the Latin America cocaine cartel, and introduced disco
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: editor@mbnet.mb.ca (Duncan Thornton)
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Today's quote is from a _New Yorker_ article on the "fusion paranoia"
that somehow unites left and right in American politics:
There is no left and right here, only unanimity of belief in the the
boundless, cabalistic evil of the government and its allies. In a
characteristic [left-wing paranoid magazine] _Paranoia_ article, the
writer Mark Westion argues a New World Order theory quite similar to that
of the rightist militia movement -- a "shadow government" operating behind
the scenes, George Bush and Bill Clinton as puppet Presidents, the Gulf
War as a vast scam to enrich the Bush family -- except that Westion is
coming at the subject from the vantage point of hippie nostalgia, an
attitude not ordinarily associated with the militias. In Westion's theory,
the government not only intentionally killed the Branch Davidians and shot
up the family of the white supremacist Randy Weaver in Idaho but it also
orchestrated the 1970 Kent State shootings, built up the Latin America
cocaine cartel, and introduced disco -- all for the purpose of ending the
Age of Aquarius.
[Personally, I find it difficult to believe that anyone could be
evil enough to conspire to introduce disco to the masses. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 10:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... to figure out exactly what the duck is uttering.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Claiming that Donald Duck quacks an expletive in the cartoon "Clock
Cleaners," part of the Walt Disney Cartoon Classics series' video "Fun
on the Job," the Walmart chain has pulled it from the shelves.
Meanwhile, Walmart is working with Buena Vista Home Video to figure out
exactly what the duck is uttering. Donald E. Wildmon, president of the
conservative media watchdog group, the American Family Assn., said
Donald quacks the F-word and has asked that Disney pull the video from
circulation. Disney has declined comment. (LA Times)
[Worse than the F-word, Donald is heard saying "Wildmon". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... with marvellous swiftness and perfect regularity
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
A signature. I think the appropriate response is "close, but not quite
as wonderful as that"....
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Roger Neyman - neyman@cmd.com - neyman@eisner.decus.org - |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| A mechanism of world inter-communication will be devised, embracing |
| the whole planet, freed from national hinderances and restrictions, |
| and functioning with marvellous swiftness and perfect regularity. |
| -- Shogi Effendi, March 11 1936, "The World Order of Baha'u'llah", p203 |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Would perfect regularity mean http://www.ex-lax.com is online?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 10:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 1 billion newbies on the way.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: dd@adobe.com (Dox Sandstone, Shinumo Quartzite, Hakatai Shale,
and Bass Limestone)
Just imagine the fun when COL (China OnLine) gets going.
From: depart1@public.bta.net.cn
Newsgroups: comp.bugs.4bsd
Subject: Help you fucking virus
Date: 15 Jan 1996 08:51:35 GMT
Organization: Beijing Telegraph Administration
When your computer is infected by a virus,you should buy a antivirus
card. If you are a richman or a fool, you can buy one at computer shop
with much money, but if you are a brightman ,you can buy it from someone
with little money. A kind of antivirus card at priced of 700 yuan RMB can
be bought from me only by 200 yuan RMB($25)! BP:5128855_2806. If you
meet any trouble at your computer, maybe I can help you!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 96 02:11:17 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Al Franken & Rush Limbaugh
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
I believe that buying Al Franken's book, _Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat
Idiot and Other Observations_ is the best way to get the message across
about how many people in this country are *not* dittoheads.
Franken cites a study by the Annenberg School of Commmunication which
showed that people who listen to Rush not only are the least
well-informed people, but that they rate themselves as the *most*
well-informed. Franken says, "...why would people so woefully lacking in
the basic facts of an issue think they were the best informed? Social
scientists call the phenomenon 'pseudo-certainy.' I call it 'being a
fucking moron.'"
[I recently got the book. It is funny, and contains some interesting
points to ponder, whatever your politics might be. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 07:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Aren't you glad we can now get servos on a chip?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: spalding@iol.ie (Nick Spalding)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: Briant Disk Drive
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 12:09:12 GMT
Charles Richmond <richmond@plano.net> wrote:
>An *older* co-worker of mine told me about a *huge* multi-platter disk
>from the early 60's. It was a Briant disk drive, and the disk platter
>stack was about 2 1/2 feet around and about a yard tall, to hear him
>tell about it. Does anyone know anything about this hard disk drive? How
>about the company--where did they come from and what happened to them?
I don't know about the Briant, but the IBM 1301, 1405 and 305 Ramac all
had disks of about that size. The 1301 had hydraulically driven accesses,
with the head positioning being done in two stages. First was the glob
adder where specific binarily related quantities of fluid were pumped into
a chamber beind a piston. Second was the piston adder which consisted of
a chain of linked pistons with different, again binarily related, amounts
of travel between them, into the spaces between which fluid was pumped
for a binary 1 or extracted for a zero. When all this had happened the
heads were pretty close to the right position and a detent was forced
beween the teeth of a gear to lock the access exactly. The motor was up
the centre of the spindle, so it worked inside out with the stator being
inside the rotor. It took about 5 minutes to get up to speed and drew a
hell of a lot of amps while doing so. If you had more than one of them
their power circuits were linked so that the second one didn't start until
the first had reached about 75% of speed and had reduced its current draw,
and so on down the line. They didn't get switched off too often.
One of the other two had its access driven by compressed air, and had
only one pair of read/write heads so to get from one platter to
another the heads were unloaded, moved up or down, then reloaded.
The 1301 was the only one I actually worked on. Never set eyes on the
others.
[There are so many cheap-shot analogies that come to mind. Pick one of
your own and imagine it here. --spaf
------------------------------
Date: 31 Jan 1996 22:07:32 -0500
From: karr@cs.cornell.edu (David Karr)
Subject: Cake division puzzle
Newsgroups: rec.puzzles
Ralph Craig <rrcraig@unity.ncsu.edu> writes:
>Five kids are at a birthday party. There is a square cake
>with icing on the top and sides. To keep the peace, the cake must
>be divided so that each child gets the same amount of cake AND the
>same amount of icing. Find a simple way to accomplish the division
>and show that it is fair.
There are several alternative solutions:
1. Get a very large blender. Put the whole cake in the blender and
blend at high speed until the cake is a completely homogenous mass
of crumbs and icing. Press evenly into a round pan and cut in
identical 72-degree segments.
2. Get an even larger blender. Put one of the kids in the blender
and blend at high speed. Now you have four kids at the party,
so cut the cake along each of the two centerlines to form four
square corner pieces.
3. Get a time machine and travel back a few days in time. Read the
serious answers to this puzzle (there were at least three) posted
to rec.puzzles (all involved vertical cuts passing through the
geometric center of the square and through five points spaced at
8-inch intervals along the circumference).
[There are few problems that a very large blender can't solve. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Conspiracy is optimistic!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@compuserve.com>
When you're young, you look at television and think, there's a conspiracy.
The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little
older, you realize that's not true. The networks are in business to give
people exactly what they want. That's a far more depressing thought.
Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a
revolution! But the networks are really in the busines to give people what
they want.
-- Steve Jobs, on the problem with television Wired interview,
February 1996
[Umm, to give people the lowest common denominator of what the masses
want. If the networks were giving me what *I* wanted, I wouldn't be
sitting here typing. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 16:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for Saturday, January 27, 1996
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Joseph Harper <joeha@microsoft.com>
Nouadhibou, Mauritania:
Oh, the weather outside is frightful -- but in Nouadhibou, it's sooo
delightful.
This small African town on the coast of Mauritania has the best weather
on planet Earth. It never gets cold there. Never gets hot. It hardly
ever rains.
As Colors magazine puts it: "Every day, the weather is the same:
endlessly, maddeningly perfect."
The average midday temperature in Nouadhibou is 70 degrees. In the
summer, it heats up to about 77; in winter, it dips down to around 66.
Thanks to those gentle breezes lilting in from the Atlantic, the humidity
hovers between 54 and 75 percent.
"Given the figures for wind, air temperature and humidity in Nouadhibou,"
said Adrian Crocker of the British Weather Service, "the climate is as
near perfect as you can get."
Does it ever rain on the sandy beaches of Nouadhibou?
"When it does rain, everybody stays inside," says an airport employee.
"We are not used to it here."
You could be in nouadhibou 26 hours from now. One-way airfare is just
$1,937.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 18:18:26 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Weather isn't all there is....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Larry Hunter <hunter@nlm.nih.gov>
The weather in Nouadhibou may be good, but don't buy that plane ticket quite
yet. First of all, Mauritania is officially known as the Islamic Republic
of Mauritania -- and they are very serious about it. "Women are expected to
wear garments with sleeves, to have dress lengths that cover the knee and to
not wear shorts."
And the land mines can ruin even a nice day. "There are reports of thousands
of unexploded mines in the Western Sahara and in areas of Mauritania
adjacent to the Western Sahara border. Exploding mines are occasionally
reported and have caused death and injury. Surface travel between Mali and
Mauritania is dangerous due to a series of violent incidents related to
ethnic conflict, cattle rustling, and the proliferation of weapons."
Oh, and once you get more than a couple of miles inland, the weather is
"constantly hot, dry, and dusty," which is unsurprising, since it's in the
Saraha Desert. "Overgrazing, deforestation, and soil erosion aggravated by
drought are contributing to desertification; very limited natural fresh
water resources away from the Senegal which is the only perennial river.
natural hazards: hot, dry, dust/sand-laden sirocco wind blows primarily in
March and April; periodic droughts."
And, to top it off, on Jan 9, Reuters reported the following story:
"The discovery of the decomposing bodies of more than 100 dolphins on the
Mauritania coast has puzzled scientists and fishermen in the Arab African
country.
"Fishermen came across the macabre scene on the coastal stretch between the
capital Noakchott and Nouadhibou.
'Dolphin carcases line the beach for nearly three kilometres,' wrote the
Mauritanie-Nouvelles in a report from the fishing village of Tiliwitt."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, January 24, 1996
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Joseph Harper <joeha@microsoft.com>
Pasadena, Texas:
Having a bad workday? Well, top these:
In a speech on outdoor safety, electrical contractor Harry Glass of
Pasadena had just warned co-workers to always wear hard hats. As he
spoke, a bird delivered a dropping on his head -- while Glass was holding
out his hard hat.
Glass's tale won the grand prize in the Windsor Canadian Supreme Whiskey's
worst-workday contest.
First-prize winners served up doozies, too: Waitress Jill Mills hit a
police car on her way to work and, then, at Paolo's Ristorante in Reston,
Virginia, spilled food on a traffic court judge.
Heidi Armstrong, a corporate lawyer in Fairview Parks, Ohio, set off a
metal detector as she rushed through a door into a meeting. As a crowd
watched, a guard with a hand-held detector found the cause: Armstrong's
underwire bra.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Flaming yourself in cyberspace.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[Background - 'Karl Denninger', karl@mcs.com and 'Karl Denninger',
karl@crynwr.com, being two *different* people are busy having a
"discussion" about email verification.]
No reason to expect you wouldn't get a reply, since *I* am the real
Karl Denninger and you are an cheap fake from a third-world country
with painted-on letters and visible mold lines around the edges.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fly the Friendly Skies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: gknauth@BBN.COM
Forwarded-by: Tom Schuneman <elf@harlequin.com>
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 22:08:57 -0400
From: hdavis@ljextra.com (Hal Davis)
Subject: FW: filler: recipe
To: silent-tristero
a charming subversion (submersion?) of an urban legend. = Hal Davis
[most forwards happily digesting]
>From: "Duff, Karen" <kduff@surgery.medsch.ucla.edu>
>To:[a lotta folks]
>Subject: FW: filler: recipe
>Date: Thu, 18 Jan 96 17:37:00 PST
>
>
>There is no one quite like Dan.....
> ----------
>From: Dan Goodman
>To: writers
>Cc:[many worthy recipients]
>Subject: filler: recipe
>Date: Thursday, January 18, 1996 12:51PM
>
>
>A month ago I and my stepdaughter Lolita ate at the Nieman-Marcus
>smorgasbord. They had a delicious vegetarian stew, so good that I wanted
>to make it at home.
>
>They were reluctant when I asked for the recipe -- they didn't want to
>reveal the secret of a specialty of the house. However, the cook finally
>said I could have it for 250 -- to be charged on my credit card.
>
>Of course, I thought he probably meant $2.50 -- or if it was more, only a
>measly few thousand dollars. Ever since I sold Dallas to the aliens,
>I've been able to afford little things like that. (I wish the aliens
>would decide where they're going to put it on their planet -- it's about
>time they picked it up.)
>
>But when the bill came from Visacard, it was 250 trillion dollars!
>
>So, I'm taking my revenge in the only sensible way. I'm giving the
>recipe for Nieman-Marcus's vegetarian stew to everyone on Internet.
>
>First, take one medium-sized vegetarian
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: In a perfect world...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Chris_G_Demetriou@NIAGARA.NECTAR.CS.CMU.EDU
>From an Alamo Car Rental upgrade discount certificate:
* Certificate does not include any taxes or other optional items.
I *wish* taxes were optional...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 1996 13:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Internet Domain Policy
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: nevin@cs.arizona.edu (Nevin ":-]" Liber)
Found in Edupage 1/16/96. Note the last sentence.
INTERNET DOMAIN POLICY
Network Solutions Inc. (NSI), which issues Internet domain names to U.S.
companies and organizations, has a new domain-name registration policy which
will "protect the ability of companies to extend their corporate identity
into the Internet." The policy requires applicants to warrant that the
requested name will not infringe any intellectual property of any third
party and will not be used for any lawful purpose. < http://www.shsl.com >
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
How cold was it? As a blizzard buried the East Coast under snow: "In New
York City alone, 47 cab drivers were treated for sever frostbite of the
middle finger." (Alex Kaseberg)
"Even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants." (Paul Ryan)
"The East is cold, white, and cut off from the rest of the world. I guess
now it truly is 'Pat Buchanan Country.'" (Alex Pearlstein)
"It's zero visibility. Now everyone in Washington has the same vision as
Congress." (Ryan)
And it on other news...
"The transplant of baboon bone marrow was so successful, Argus Hamilton
says, "Many Americans would like to see the front ends of horses sent to
Washington for final assembly."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 18:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: pbrown@illustra.com (Paul Brown)
It's the Honeymoon. Walking down 42nd Street they saw a sign advertising
"The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try.
So into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and The Great Gonzo
came out on stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He
opened the robe to show the biggest and hardest erection imaginable. Then
he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart on the top
of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his
hand and, one by one, smashed the walnuts to the thunderous applause of
the audience.
This year the couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with
a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street they
once again saw the sign advertising The Great Gonzo. With a bit of
surprise they decided to check out the show again. Once they were in the
theater the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his
bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard
as ever.
This time when he clapped his hands, his now-aged assistant appeared
with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used
his member to smash each of them.
The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They
explained that they had seem him 40 years earlier.
"But why," they asked, "did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," he replied, "when you get old your eyes start to go."
[Time to get my eyeglass prescription checked.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In the News: George Bush told PBS he was sure, after the Gulf War, that
Saddam Hussein would be overthrown by his own people. He now admits he
miscalculated. Says Argus Hamilton: "It was the right prediction but
the wrong country."
Holy Modem: On the founding of a Catholic diocese on the Internet by a
former French bishop, Gary Easley observes:
-- You can tell who the nuns are--they're the ones with the black and
white monitors.
-- The Seven Deadly Sins have been amended to include unauthorized
copying of software.
-- "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned" has been replaced with "Reformat
my hard drive, for I have downloaded corrupt data."
-- If the diocese is not sanctioned by the Vatican, it may have to break
away and start a new denomination: Geek Orthodox.
The Pope now has a web site. Computers have biblical roots. The
downfall of Adam was his attraction to an Apple instead of a PC. (Ray)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 96 23:05:50 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: JOTD - Love and Its Many Forms
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: azmitia <azmitia@acf2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: OFFICE OF THE DEAN <DELISI@enga.bu.edu>
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside
my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are *not* the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're
a veterinarian!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 16:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Like a pair of of elevator shoes for the head
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Trevor Blackwell <tlb@eecs.harvard.edu>
The Acme catalog is on the Net. I wonder if Wile E. Coyote has a copy
of Netscape.
http://www.ishops.com/acme
includes items like...
Intellectual Hat
Expressions like "pinhead" are no joke to the
millions of individuals born each year with
disproportionately small heads. Indeed, DSH is
[picture] now understood to be a more widespread problem
than most experts had once believed. Recent
studies have suggested that as many as 50% of
adults have smaller than average heads.
Now at last there is a stylish and sensitive
solution to the anguish of DSH. Like a pair of
elevator shoes for the head, the Acme Intellectual
Hat adds up to five inches to the apparent
diameter of the wearer's head. The internal
structure, based on that of modern bicycle
helmets, is made of shock-absorbent foam. The
outer covering is of the finest quality felt.
Comes with an optional chin strap (not shown).
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jan 1996 11:43:37 -0000
From: tony@palantir.soc.staffs.ac.uk (Tony Blews)
Subject: Names (was Re: a.s.r and ASR)
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Peter Gutmann (pgut01@cs.auckland.ac.nz) wrote:
: Say, now *there's* a use for all those AOL disks... repackage them and sell
: them as fire starters.
No! carefully dismantle them, replace the media with emery cloth (lusers won't
notice!) and leave them on your desk. After a week, post to a local newsgroup
about the "AOL virus" that destroys disk drives.
ObWhinge: recently i bought a keyring in a motorway service station.
The legend upon it said "Some people make mistakes, I initiate
disasters". 30 minutes later my car got rearended by an
analist/programmer from Essex. Bastard!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 15:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Offensive JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software )
It seems this guy is having a serious talk with his girlfriend. She says,
"I love you, you're nice to me, you bring me flowers, take me out to dinner,
the sex is great..."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well... I've heard this rumor about you!"
"What rumor is that?"
"I've heard that you're a pedophile."
"A PEDOPHILE? A PED-O-phile? Now isn't THAT a big word for a
twelve year old!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 17:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: panic()
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: Keith Smith <keith@eecs.harvard.edu>
>From the Multics web pages (http://www.best.com/~thvv/multics.html)
"I remarked to Dennis that easily half the code I was writing in Multics
was error recovery code. He said, "We left all that stuff out. If there's
an error, we have this routine called panic, and when it is called, the
machine crashes, and you holler down the hall, 'Hey, reboot it.'"
[Unfortunately, this is also approximately the attitude of the community
writing code for Unix, too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 1996 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pretty close to Naval Jelly
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 16:44:54 -0800
From: JT McBride <James.McBride@GDEsystems.COM>
To: ca-firearms@shell.portal.com
Subject: Re: Long-term gun storage
slagle@sgi523.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Mark Slagle) writes:
:I expect the syrup works better, being more concentrated and all.
:Back when I lived in the rust belt, we used to use ordinary coke
:right out of the bottle to clean up all the little rust spots on
Coca Cola contains phosphoric acid, the same acid used in Naval Jelly
rust remover. Coke is probably cheaper, and I expect the syrup has a
concentration pretty close to Naval Jelly.
The result of the reduction of the rust is iron phosphate, a decent, if
not terribly impermeable, metal finish. If you let it dry and then oil
it, it works a lot like a well-worn Parkerized finish.
[Did anybody hear of Coca-Cola stockpiles at Waco? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Java really is a tsunami, and the Microsoft adoption just doubled the
height of the wave. What I don't know is whether we're on the top of
the wave, getting ready for the ride of our life, or standing on the
beach, saying "Wow, look at that".
-- Jim Waldo
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 11:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Computers save time like kudzu prevents soil erosion.
-- Al Castanoli
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 15:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Travis Corcoran <tjic@OpenMarket.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
On the topic of the Pilgrims:
It would be difficult to imagine a group of people more ill-suited to a
life in the wilderness. They packed as if they had misunderstood the
purpose of the trip. They found room for sundials and candle-snuffers,
a drum, a trumpet, and a complete history of Turkey. One William Mullins
packed 126 pairs of shoes and thirteen pairs of boots. Yet they failed
to bring a single cow or horse, plow or fishing line.
[ ... ]
They were, in short, dangerously unprepared for the rigors ahead, and
they demonstrated their incompetence in the most dramatic way possible:
by dying in droves.
-- from Made in America: an informal history of the English
Language in the United States, by Bill Bryson
[Hmm, so the fact that so many of my students are unprepared for
their studies and no so little about the real world is a matter of
tradition? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 18:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: Alan J Rosenthal <flaps@dgp.toronto.edu>
If you're holdin' a Golden you'll be heavin' when you're leavin'.
-- Cecil Adams illustrates the difficulties in coming up
with advertising jingles emphasizing the higher alcohol
content of "ice" beer.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 14:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: editor@mbnet.mb.ca
Today's quote is from the 1861 edition of _Mayhew's London_, an
collection of essays about 19th-century London Labour and the
London Poor. A costermonger is discussing the theatre-going habits
of his class:
Love and murder suit us best, sir; but within these few years I think
there's a great deal more liking for deep tragedies among us. They sent
men a thinking, but then we all consider them too long. Of Hamlet we
can make neither end nor side; and nine of ten of us -- ay, far more than
that -- would have liked it to be confined to the ghost scenes, and the
funeral, and the killing off at the last.
[Sounds like the soaps. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Trevor Blackwell <tlb@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Homosexuality had become, not the love which dares not speak its name,
but the love that never knows when to shut up.
-- Narrator of The Cunning Man, by Robertson Davies,
reflecting on modern society.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 14:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
The mark of a good conspiracy theory is its untestability.
-- Andrew Spring
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 96 03:37:19 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD - Groucho makes it perfectly clear:
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Cantor,Steven"
<ADIDAS/ADIPORT/scantor%Adidas_America@mcimail.com>
"If you cook cranberries like applesauce they taste more like prunes than
rhubarb does."
- groucho marx
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 96 17:04:37 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD - Woman without her man is a savage!
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Ask the members of the group to provide any punctuation necessary to the
following seven-word sentence: "Woman without her man is a savage." The
average male chauvinist will quickly respond that the sentence needs no
punctuation, and he is correct. There will be a few pedants among the male
chauvinists who will place balancing commas around the prepositional phrase:
"Woman, without her man, is a savage." Grammatically, this is also correct.
A feminist, however, and an occasional liberated man, will place a dash
after "woman" and a comma after "her." Then we have "Woman--without her,
man is a savage."
--Robert A. Day
From: How to Write and Publish a Scientific Paper
(Phoenix: Oryx Press, 1988), p.164
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Jan 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Hell, I believe, must be very much like Heaven, but with a karaoke nite.
-- Douglas Fetherling, The Other China: Journeys around Taiwan
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Jan 1996 12:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: editor@mbnet.mb.ca
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
From Canada's SchoolNet:
World Week, a semi-annual campaign, includes more than 15 fun and
educational activities designed to help people understand what life
is like for people suffering from disease, abuse, discrimination,
violence, hunger and environmental devastation.
[Canadians have some odd ideas about fun... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 1996 16:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Hendrickson <edh@lenti.med.umn.edu>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new
vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats
are dancing a conga line.
-- Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert,
on the ending of competing strip Calvin & Hobbes
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 1996 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Today's quote is from _The New Yorker_:
CORRECTION OF THE WEEK (From _Business Insurance_)
The following corrects errors in the July 17 geographical agent and
broker listing:
United States: Charlotte appeared twice in the North Carolina listing.
International: Aberdeen is in Scotland, not Saudi Arabia or England;
Antwerp is in Belgium, not Barbados; Baie Mahault is in Guam, not
Guadeloupe; Belfast is in Northern Ireland, not Nigeria; Bogota was
listed twice in Colombia; Cardiff is in Wales, not Vietnam;
Edinburgh is in Scotland, not England; Helsinki is in Finland, not
Fiji; Moscow is in Russia, not Qatar; Nilsen Brothers has an office
in Norway, not Oman.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 11:54:38 GMT0BST1
From: "Howard Chalkley" <HOWARD@gst-soft.demon.co.uk>
Subject: Risks of military technology in civilian life?
From:
RISKS-LIST: Risks-Forum Digest Thursday 25 January 1996 Volume 17 : Issue 67
This anecdote has started spreading around the net...
A snippet spotted in Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The
article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" ( British Police Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was
explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint
to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the
damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had
locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory
air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 1996 21:39:30 -0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: sig line
To: spaf, bostic@cs.berkeley.edu
found recently.....
William Groskreutz III
wgrosk@condor.stcloud.msus.edu or wgroskreutz@tigger.stcloud.msus.edu
http://www.stcloud.msus.edu/~wgrosk
St. Cloud State University, St. Cloud MN
Mathematics Department Faculty
PROGRAM (pro'-gram) [n] A magic spell cast over a .----. . - .
computer allowing it to turn one's input into error |C>_.|.:'.:. .
messages. [vi] To engage in a pastime similar to _|____|_ `:. O_/
banging one's head against a wall, but, with fewer | --| \/M
opportunities for reward. `-######-'a _/ \_
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 1996 19:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sig O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Subscribers to <semper.fi@solutions.apple.com>
From: dave@rsd.com
Don't anthropomorphize computers -- they hate that!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 96 22:37:38 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Texas Secession
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[If you haven't yet learned something new today, this may be just the thing.
If you've already learned something new today then maybe you should save this
for tomorrow ... unless this isn't new to you. It's your call... -psl]
From: Isaac Cubillos <caprison@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Bryant Jordan from Air Force Times writes:
> If you haven't heard, a group of Texans is claiming the state is still
> a republic, and has asked Gov. Bush to begin the process of separating
> from the >Union.
Technically, Texas is the only state that can secede from the Union.
However, it has to subdivide itself into five separate sovereignties.
Each one of them must vote to secede first and it must be a unanimous
vote by all.
Once this is done, then each jurisdiction can decide whether to rejoin
the Union.
A complicate procedure (and virtually impossible to implement), but yes,
Texas can leave the Union.
The procedures are found in the agreement signed by Texas and the U.S.
govt. when Texas joined the Union.
[You mean to get rid of some of the other problem states the only way
might be to nuke em? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 1996 17:00:29 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@opal.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: the dating game
To: spaf
>From: tracy pierce <tracy@mit.edu>
>Newsgroups: mit.bboard
>Subject: Seeking participants for INFRARED DATING GAME
>Date: 23 Jan 1996 19:20:24 GMT
As part of the "serious levity" that exemplifies MIT's Charm School . .
we are staging an MIT version of the Dating Game - Infrared. This live
studio event will take place Tuesday 30 January at 2:30pm and can be
seen on MIT Cable.
Warm bodies needed. Sign up in Room 9-234 before Tuesday - or arrive at
2pm on Tuesday - Studio 9 (Room 9-450).
["Tool Number One, what is your favorite perfect number?" --P]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 96 16:53:27 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: sg@bubba.att.com
LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND NUMBER 1 THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT ISN'T:
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, now that you bring it up...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: hitz@netapp.com (Dave Hitz)
From: "Robert J. Warren" <Padre@surfsup.net>
I was sitting on the subway and across from me there was
this kid with orange hair with green stripes, tattoos and an
earring thrust through one nostril. He saw me looking at him
and glared back.
"What's wrong, old man?" he asked angrily "You never do
anything stupid when you were young?"
"Yes," I said, "I screwed a parakeet once. I was just
wondering if you might be my son."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 1996 12:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yesterday at the Met.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Rob Pike" <rob@plan9.att.com>
I saw a little note in the New York Times. Yesterday at the Metropolitan
Opera, during the first few minutes of the Met premiere of 'The Makropulos
Case', Richard Versalle, tenor, sang the words, 'too bad you can only live
so long', whereupon his voice faltered as he suffered a heart attack, fell
10 feet from the ladder to the floor, and died.
[From my point of view, this is the way opera should be performed. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Your parents cheer when you score.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last 20 minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends all about it afterwards.
And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...
1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------