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Yucks Digest V6 #10 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 11 Jul 96 Volume 6 : Issue 10
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
"a terminal event on the commode."
"Independence Day" (ID4)
... security access based on the "Need to Go" principle.
... the dangers of Total Body Buttock Grafting
... with energy investigations of lubricated contacts.
/n@Nd0/ Humorest Quote of the Day
500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons.
Analogy of the Day
Australia Sex Industry Seeks Bull Penis Export Ban
But does it shield radio waves from orbiting alien spaceships?
CERT Advisory CA-96.13 - Alien/OS Vulnerability
Chuckles
Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for December 27, 1995
Gather ye unto yourselves the Volvo and the dog who barfs.
Heard on the Radio
Help.
I do not threaten, I besooch you.
If book falls into water, stop reading immediately.
Insurance for your ICBMs.
Jesus the Teacher
joke: Dolly Parton's new store
JOTD (4 msgs)
Lirty Dies
microsoft product update
newspaper contest
Phonetic Alphabets
Play an accordian, go to jail.
Pneumonaultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosisly.
Pope's R us.
Presumably they meant "concerning", and not "on".
QOTD (4 msgs)
SOTD
Take the Test: Do you have a life?
The Chain Letter of St. Paul
Wales will be next.
Who do you want to insult today?
Why, indeed?
Why you should log out when you leave your workstation.
Woof-Woof-Woof
Words To Live By...
Words To Live By... (or not)
YAMJ
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed Jul 10 22:00:10 EST 1996
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucksters
Well, I finally bit the bullet and made some major organizational
changes. These were prompted, in part, by the department shutting down
the gopher server I had been using to make the old Yucks archive
available on the net. It also was getting to the point where every
Digest sent out was generating a dozen bounces, and I was handling them
all manually.
So, here is the new setup:
1) All subscriptions and unsubscribe requests are now being handled by a
mailer daemon using the SmartList software. To subscribe or
unsubscribe, send mail to yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu with your request in
the subject. For example,
Subject: subscribe
Subject: unsubscribe nancy@foo.bar.com
A "help" keyword is also recognized.
2) The mail daemon will also handle archive requests. To get a list
of commands recognized, send mail with
Subject: archive help
The most recent digest can always be retrieved with
Subject: archive get current
All past Yucks postings may be requested via mail using this
mechanism.
3) The entire Yucks archive is on the WWW now at
http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/Yucks/
I'd like to put up a keyword search page, too -- if any of you have
ever interfaced an Essence search to a WWW cgi page, please drop me a
line with some hints. :-)
I will continue to try to catch up on the backlog, and I will try to
maintain a schedule of a new digest about every 4-6 days. Most digests
will be backlog for the next month, but I will sometimes mix in
recent and topical material (as in today's Digest).
I hope you are all having a good summer. And if not, tough. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 07:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "a terminal event on the commode."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@compuserve.com>
As described in the UK Sunday Times, 24th December, 1995, page 3 article,
"Revealed: the Elvis Presley killer diet", a forthcoming British special
on Elvis Presley's eating habits, titled "Arena", details the Presley
diet.
The Elvis Diet:
Breakfast (5 pm) - 5,000 calories
six large eggs cooked in butter with extra salt, 1lb of bacon, half a pound
of sausages, 12 buttermilk biscuits
Dinner (10p) - 84,000 calories
Two "Fool's Gold" sandwiches [a jar of peanut butter, a jar of strawberry
jam, one pound of crisp-fried bacon on a baguette x2]
Supper (4a) - 5,000 calories
5 double-hamburgers and deep-fried peanut butter, mashed banana sandwiches.
Misc. - other snacks as required between meals
Elvis total dietary intake in calories averaged a minimum of 94,000 *per
day*. The article highlights that an adult Asian elephant (many tons in
weight) has a normal diet of 50,000 calories per day. The article quotes
a spokesman for the British Nutrition Foundation as saying, "I do not know
how he did it... The Elvis diet would fuel a normal man for a month." The
article continues, "Eventually this condition [consuming 94,000 calories
worth of food per day] contributed to his death -- caused, as Graceland
has it, by a heart attack or, as the coroner describes it in Arena, 'a
terminal event on the commode'."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Jul 96 12:20:03 EDT
From: kelkr@pwgsc.gc.ca (Robert Kelk)
Subject: "Independence Day" (ID4)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
What follows is the entire July 6 entry from Steve Jackson Games'
"Daily Illuminator", at http://www.io.com/sjgames/ill/ill.html :
Independence Day?
I haven't gotten to see it yet. Maybe when the lines get shorter . . .
The plot seems simple enough, though:
Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they turn
out to be hostile.
-- Steve Jackson
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Dec 1995 14:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... security access based on the "Need to Go" principle.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: wendy_nather@il.us.swissbank.com (Wendy Nather)
Today saw the crowning event in my new role as an IT security
officer for the Bank.
A colleague of mine, Dave, had been waiting for me to come by
to talk to him, but I hadn't come by yet because I was still at
my desk talking to another colleague, Neil.
Finally Dave had to take a break, and as he passed by my desk
he explained, "I'm just going to the loo." I nodded, and he
continued on.
Whereupon Neil gave a respectful whistle. "You really DO have
this whole office under control, don't you??"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 1996 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... the dangers of Total Body Buttock Grafting
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@pfawww.pp.se>
Forwarded-by: rbalso@ns1.koyote.com (Wardog)
Forwarded-by: rob@redwood.nl
From: Dominic Green <demonic@groin.demon.co.uk>
Newsgroups: sci.archaeology, alt.archaeology
I propose now to answer a question on the lips of every archaeologist -
namely, did the Chin dynasty Chinese possess solid-fuel multi-stage rocket
technology? They are, of course, known to have had fireworks, which
differ only in scale from Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
Furthermore, the Chinese must have possessed Orbital Rocket Technology of
some sort, as it is well known that the Great Wall of China can only
properly be seen from orbit, and How Can One Build A Thing Which One
Cannot See? Of course, the Invisible Properties of the Wall would have
been a great asset against the swarthy Mongols, who, secure and arrogant
in the possession of their One Extra Chromosome, would have swept south
across the arid steppe only to blunt their horses against a Solid and
Invisible Barrier. I myself have seen this Invisible Barrier, and it is
truly formidable; thankfully, the Chinese government of today have
beneficently clad it in stone for the entirety of its length to prevent
present-day Mongol minorities from bumping into it. One is put in mind
of Napoleon's famous statement that the stones used to make the Great
Pyramid of Egypt had previously been used to build a wall ten feet high
around France. This prudent strategy of the Ancient Egyptians served to
contain the French until the Wall was raided for building stone by
unscrupulous Egyptian pyramid builders, and Gallic garlic hordes swarmed
forth to wreak their reeking worst upon the world.
Of course, gunpowder is hopelessly inefficient as an explosive, and I
calculate that a gunpowder-fuelled rocket capable of reaching orbit would
need to be the size of Taiwan. Oddly enough, an island of exactly that
size exists just across the Taiwan Strait from the Chinese Mainland.
Coincidence - or something more sinister? It is well known that the
Violence of such a Terrific Explosion would squirt out a man's Brains
through his Rectum and Strangle Him With His Own Prolapsed Intestines; it
would be Suicide to volunteer for such a mission, suggesting that the
Japanese are a lost colony of highly trained Chinese astronauts. Do their
Samurai Warriors' outfits not resemble Space Suits in every detail save
for the often complete lack of Buttock Armour? What can this mean, save
that Japanese Persons' buttocks are especially resistant to vacuum? We
can learn much from the Japanese. We would no longer need to equip
American astronauts with Space Suits, if only Modern Skin Grafting
techniques could be used to replace each astronaut's entire layer of
epidermis with Japanese Buttock Tissue. Perhaps, however, I am teaching
the Converted to Suck Eggs, and NASA's astronauts have all been Complete
Arseholes for many years. Perhaps, on the other hand, the dangers of
Total Body Buttock Grafting are greater than I realize, and, just as in
the popular Cinema Movie, The Beast With Two Buttocks, or some such, the
Japanese Buttock Tissue would take over the astronaut's Reason and cause
him to run round Cape Canaveral testing the sharpness of his VHF Antenna
on lowly Mission Control *eta*.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 15:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... with energy investigations of lubricated contacts.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rosaphil <rugosa@escape.com>
Date: Mon, 1 Jan 1996 21:23:02 CST
From: Stefan Mohr <SM@wf-hh.shnet.org>
To: Multiple recipients of list NEW-LIST <NEW-LIST@VM1.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: NEW: TRIBO-D - The research field of Tribology
TRIBO-D on LISTSERV@VM.GMD.DE - The research field of Tribology
The TRIBO-D list is for discussion in the field of TRIBOLOGY. Our
research work deals mainly with energy investigations of lubricated
contacts (grease lubricated). So we hope that many scientists take
part of this project and we can establish an exchange of ideas.
Our intention is to discuss all tribological problems which are
connected with lubricants, lubricated contacts, EHL-problems,
rheological questions, friction and wear of lubricated systems etc.
Maybe, there is also a possibility to get information about your
experimental equipment, your aims in theoretical research. Also
there is a chance to make cooperations, if this is possible. We wish
all participants a great sucsess in their research work and an
interesting exchange of ideas in this list.
To subscribe to TRIBO-D send e-mail to LISTSERV@VM.GMD.DE and in the
body of the message (not the subject) write:
subscribe TRIBO-D Firstname Lastname
(Replace Firstname Lastname with your real name.)
If you have questions, send them to the owner:
Owner: Prof.Dr. Erik Kuhn kuhn@rzbt.fh-hamburg.de
Project Leader
Stefan Mohr sm@wf-hh.shnet.org
Listkeeper, Technical LISTSERV problems
If you haven't already, check out the Web-Pages for Tribology you can
do this at http://www.fh-hamburg.de/forschung/tribologie/
[Okay, Yucksters. Any expriments with Crisco, yaks, and spatulas can
now be reported to this group. And to Yucks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 13:02:30 -0500
From: gatti@knoxdist.East.Sun.COM (Linda Gatti - Knoxville TN SE)
Subject: /n@Nd0/ Humorest Quote of the Day
To: spaf
"We have had a long journey," said one of them, "and are tired enough
with all this scaling of walls and opening and shutting of heavy doors;
besides, it is midnight. Let us rest awhile before digging the grave and
hiding the unknown contents of this box. I suggest that, as we are three
black eunuchs met together, each of us should tell the story of his
castration. Thus the night will pass pleasantly."
-from _the_thousand_nights_and_one_night_
translated by mardrus & mathers
[I can see all of the guys crossing their legs... ;-) --l]
[All except Mr. Bobbitt over there.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Larry Hunter <hunter@nlm.nih.gov>
Forwarded-by: gary.chapman@mail.utexas.edu
[Origin unknown.]
THINK of the computer highway AS a highway.
There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information
Superhighway." They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a
Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.
Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the
HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right! Severe craziness. A highway
HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges
and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles
with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons.
237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get to Ensenada?
Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic
laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a
CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other
lanes would just SHOOT you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims
and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS
and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been ASSEMBLED AT
HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top
speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.
No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS.
Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS
GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE
BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid
on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID.
NO OFFRAMPS.
Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
[This is simply inspired. I have used this in several presentations
now, and it has never failed to help people understand the way the
Internet really works. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 17:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Analogy of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[Deliberately taken out of context with
all names and mitigating factors removed.]
> I didn't say fire someone for a bug; I said fire them if they can't get
> over this idea of allocating memory and not freeing it. The same goes
> for using some toolkit that doesn't run under Purify cleanly. Work around
> it? It's *just software* ... you can replace it with something else. It
> will just kill you later.
>
> I mean, this society is all up in arms about men who father children
> and then disappear, but don't feel the same way about the result of
> malloc()?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 09 Jul 1996 12:06:35 -0400
From: sjc@mcs.kent.edu (Steve Chapin)
Subject: Australia Sex Industry Seeks Bull Penis Export Ban
To: spaf
>> But Australian meat company Tenarra Pty ltd, which this year
>> has flown 8,000 frozen bull's penises to Asia, mainly to China, was
>> unrepentant.
>>
>> [snip ...]
>>
>> The total weight of the exported penises was 5,000 tons,
>> fetching A$1.50 (US$1.15) a kilo, plus freight, and demand is
>> apparently insatiable.
Let's see now, 8,000 penises, 5,000 tons. Let's be conservative and
use short tons; that works out to an average penis weight of about
1,250 pounds.
How big *were* these bulls? Godzilla wishes he were hung that well.
[Actually, Godzilla probably wishes he wasn't fictional. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Dec 1995 16:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: But does it shield radio waves from orbiting alien spaceships?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: jrb@pacificnet.net
Buyers worried about harmful radiation from computer monitors,
cellular telephones, or videoconferencing now can acquire the
CyberCap, a chic fashion accessory made from radio-frequency-
reflecting material.
The manufacturer, ShieldWorks, claims the CyberCap will protect
the wearer from the adverse effects on pineal gland and
hypothalamus that cause behavioral disturbances in computer
programmers and systems managers. For the terminally involved,
RF-shielded scarves, aprons, and eye masks also are available.
[Me, I simply use crinkled-up aluminum foil in my underwear. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 4 July 1996 20:52:15 GMT
From: CERT Bulletin <cert-advisory@cert.org>
Subject: CERT Advisory CA-96.13 - Alien/OS Vulnerability
Newsgroups: comp.security.announce,rec.humor
=============================================================================
CERT(sm) Advisory CA-96.13
July 4, 1996
Topic: ID4 virus, Alien/OS Vulnerability
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center has received reports of weaknesses in
Alien/OS that can allow species with primitive information sciences
technology to initiate denial-of-service attacks against MotherShip(tm)
hosts. One report of exploitation of this bug has been received.
When attempting takeover of planets inhabited by such races, a trojan
horse attack is possible that permits local access to the MotherShip
host, enabling the implantation of executable code with full root access
to mission-critical security features of the operating system.
The vulnerability exists in versions of EvilAliens' Alien/OS 34762.12.1
or later, and all versions of Microsoft's Windows/95. CERT advises
against initiating further planet takeover actions until patches
are available from these vendors. If planet takeover is absolutely
necessary, CERT advises that affected sites apply the workarounds as
specified below.
As we receive additional information relating to this advisory, we will
place it in
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/cert_advisories/CA-96.13.README
We encourage you to check our README files regularly for updates on
advisories that relate to your site.
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Description
Alien/OS contains a security vulnerability, which strangely enough
can be exploited by a primitive race running Windows/95. Although
Alien/OS has been extensively field tested over millions of years by
EvilAliens, Inc., the bug was only recently discovered during a
routine invasion of a backwater planet. EvilAliens notes that
the operating system had never before been tested against a race
with "such a kick-ass president."
The vulnerability allows the insertion of executable code with
root access to key security features of the operating system. In
particular, such code can disable the NiftyGreenShield (tm)
subsystem, allowing child processes to be terminated by unauthorized
users.
Additionally, Alien/OS networking protocols can provide a
low-bandwidth covert timing channel to a determined attacker.
II. Impact
Non-privileged primitive users can cause the total destruction of
your entire invasion fleet and gain unauthorized access to
files.
III. Solution
EvilAliens has supplied a workaround and a patch, as follows:
A. Workaround
To prevent unauthorized insertion of executables, install a
firewall to selectively vaporize incoming packets that do not
contain valid aliens. Also, disable the "Java" option in
Netscape.
To eliminate the covert timing channel, remove untrusted
hosts from routing tables. As tempting as it is, do not use
target species' own satellites against them.
B. Patch
As root, install the "evil" package from the distribution tape.
(Optionally) save a copy of the existing /usr/bin/sendmail and
modify its permission to prevent misuse.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center thanks Jeff Goldblum and Fjkxdtssss for
providing information for this advisory.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you believe that your system has been compromised, contact the CERT
Coordination Center or your representative in the Forum of Incident
Response and Security Teams (FIRST).
[Other end material deleted.]
------------------------------
Date: 14 Dec 1995 10:12:44 +0000
From: "Lisa Crowe" <llc@aes.purdue.edu>
Subject: Chuckles
..From the Washington Post. Readers were supposed to
send in ideas for useless products. Here is the following list:
-Silicone thigh implants
-Nuclear hand grenades
-Fire alarm with snooze bar
-Jarvik-7 artificial appendix
-Inflatable dartboard
-Salted bandages
-Can-opener-in-a-can
-Dyslexics' edition of Scrabble
-Mobius strip toilet paper
-Lobster Helper
-Popeil Pocket Wasp & Hornet Teaser
========
Our paper reports the doings at the Butterball Turkey Talk Line. One
adviser there says her favorite calls are those from people who leave
their turkey out on the kitchen counter all night after the feast and want
to
know if it's safe to eat the next day. When told it's risky, they
often respond, "If we do eat it, how sick will we get?"
Another caller had a turkey that had been in her freezer for
twenty-three years, and she wanted to know if it was still safe. The folks
at
Butterball advised her that if the freezer had been kept at zero
degrees and never defrosted, the turkey was safe, but its quality would not
be
good.
"That's what we thought," she replied. "We'll give it to the church."
========
A fourth grade Sunday School class wrote their own Christmas pageant,
and then put it on for the church. One bit of dialogue, partly written and
partly improvised, went like this:
Innkeeper (to Joseph and Mary): "Can't you see the 'No Vacancy' sign?"
Joseph: "Yes, but can't you see that my wife is expecting a baby at any
time?"
Innkeeper: "Well, that's not my fault."
Joseph: "Well, it's not mine, either."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 1995 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for December 27, 1995
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
New York, New York:
Police in New York City arrested Paul Keller accusing him of being the
Snacking Bandit who had been breaking into homes in Queens, stealing cash
and valuables, then raiding the fridge before he left.
The Bandit was described by a witness in April as weighing 170 pounds; by
a witness in May, 175 pounds; and by a witness in June, 180 pounds.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 12:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Gather ye unto yourselves the Volvo and the dog who barfs.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@beer.org>
Forwarded-by: "Patricia M. Stephenson" <pstephen@freenet.calgary.ab.ca>
Forwarded-by: C. ROGER PURTON <cr_purt@alcor.concordia.ca>
Hear ye, hear ye!
Let it be known that in the kingdom of Calgary, at the place known as
Airport, a number and a word shall announce the arrival of the man called
Roger. These shall appear on a low quality screen, and the number shall
be 961Q, and the word "Arrived". When the sun approaches its zenith in
the mid-western sky of this our fair land, ye shall know that at the
chiming of the 10:57, this scripture shall appear as if by magic, writ
large on the screens of Airport. Then shall ye know that the time of
up-picking is nigh, and ye shall go as your foremothers prophesied, and
welcome the arriver just as he who welcomed the prodigal lo these many
years past. Gather ye unto yourselves the Volvo and the dog who barfs,
and get ye to the airport as it was foretold unto you.
Then shall it be that the lady Christine, who has cleaved unto the man
Roger as one pithed by love, shall arrive at the same time on the same
flight five days hence, on Thor's day. And ye shall repeat your journey,
and welcome her as a sister-in-law. Take heed lest ye forget, or slumber
past the hour of reckoning, snoring thee the time of meeting, for it shall
sit heavily with you in the times to come.
Announced this day of the fifteenth of December in the year of our lord,
MCMXCV.
Yea verily I say unto you, we shall be seeing each other this morrow's
morn.
yours trumpetedly,
The Herald.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 1996 07:46 EDT
From: scottlee@mindspring.com
Subject: Heard on the Radio
To: spaf
With all the highlights on the '96 Atlanta Olympic games, there are several
other Atlanta's out there that are taking this opportunity to have a little
fun with the name. Atlanta, Nebraska (population 100) is having a town
picnic called the "Atlanta Games."
Atlanta, Texas is more heavily in the spirit. They have various competitions
such as
Fencing - Ranchers compete in how fast they can build a fence.
Triple Jump - 3 people are tied together and see how far
they can jump
The 5 Kay race - 5 women named Kay compete to see who's the fastest.
Finally, remember that it's Atlanta-96 ... The official temperature of the
Atlanta games. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 09:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Help.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
From: A5823644670@attpls.net (Bill Jellison)
User: "How do I read this file?"
Help desk: "You uudecode it."
User: "I I I decode it?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Dec 1995 08:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I do not threaten, I besooch you.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <GGRAYLEE@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: "DAVE MORRISON" <EDU-UTAH-LIB-ALEXANDRIA/DMORRISO>
For opera lovers and haters alike, we reprint herewith the "English"
synopsis of the opera Carmen, as it appeared in the program for a recent
performance in Genoa, Italy. Doubters should leave the auditorium: we have
seen it with our own eyes.
"Act 1. Carmen is a cigarmakeress from a tobago factory who loves with Don
Jose (Duet: 'Talk me of my mother"). There is a noise inside the tobago
factory and the revolting cigar-makeresses burst into the stage. Carmen is
arrested and Don Jose is ordered to mounting guard her but Carmen subduces
him and lets her escape.
"Act 2. The Tavern. Carmen, Frasquito, Mercedes, Zuiniga, Morales. Carmen's
aria ('The sistrums are tinkling'). Enter Escamillio, a balls-fighter. Enter
two smuglers (Duet: 'We have in mind a business') but Carmen refuses to
penetrate because Don Jose has liberated her from prison. He just now arrives
(Aria: 'Slop, here who comes') but here are the bugles singing his retreat.
Don Jose will leave and draws his sword. Called by Carmen's shrieks the two
smuglers interfere with her but Don Jose is bound to dessert, he will follow
into them (final chorus: "Opening sky wandering life').
"Act 3. A rocky landscape, the smugler's shelter. Carmen sees her death in
cards and Don Jose makes a date with Carmen for the next balls fight.
"Act 4. A place in Seville. Procession of balls-fighters, the roaring of
the balls is heared in the arena. Escamillio enters (Aria and chorus:
'Toreador, toreador, All hail the balls of a Toreador'). Enter Don Jose
(Aria: 'I do not threaten, I besooch you') but Carmen repels him wants to
join with Escamillio now chaired by the crowd. Don Jose stabbs her (Aria:
'Oh rupture, rupture, you may arrest me. I did kill her') he sings 'Oh my
beautiful Carmen, my subductive Carmen."
[I might actually sit through an opera if it had a story line such as
this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 1995 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If book falls into water, stop reading immediately.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Grupenhoff <kashmir@umiacs.UMD.EDU>
From: Sujal Patel <smpatel@wam.umd.edu>
I just installed Layer Express v2 [an AutoCAD extension] today and in the
book there are the usual blank pages that seperate the chapters (you know the
ones that usually say "This page left blank intentionally"). But the author
of this particular book seems to have an odd sense of humor...
Written on Page 12 (Blank page seperating Ch. 1 & 2:
To reduce the risk of shock,
Do not remove the cover of this book.
No serviceable components inside.
Written on Page 44 (Blank page seperating Ch. 3 & 4):
This page unintentionally left blank.
Written on Page 70 (Blank page seperating Ch. 4 & 5):
Under penalty of law
This page not to be removed
Except by consumer
Written on Page 88 (Blank page, last page in book):
To reduce risk of injury or death:
1. Do not read while bathing.
2. Do not place or store where book can fall
or be pulled into tub, tiolet or sink.
3. If book falls into water, stop reading
immediately. Do not reach into water.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 13:05:05 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Insurance for your ICBMs.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Grupenhoff <kashmir@umiacs.UMD.EDU>
From: Hui-Hui Hu <hhui@stardot.net>
I'm a pretty careful reader of fine print, and it pays. Today I got
the AT&T Universal Card discloser, and one FAQ it lists is:
"What items are covered by the SafePurchase(tm)(c)(p)(r)(etc)
insurance program?"
The answer is that it specifically excludes these items:
"..clothing, shoes... any weapon of war employing atomic
fission or radioactive force."
Damn!! I guess I won't purchase those ICBMs any more (or at least not
with my AT&T credit card.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 95 17:51:16 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Jesus the Teacher
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: TomRawson@aol.com
Forwarded-by: rebyitz@netcom.com (Yitz Etshalom)
Forwarded-by: mandel@pacificnet.net (Dr. Scott Mandel)
The Joy of Teaching
Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathered them around
him, he taught them saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is
the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is
great in heaven."
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan
and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your objectives and your required
competencies in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 95 09:39:26 EST
From: Paul Thublin <paul@sware.com>
Subject: joke: Dolly Parton's new store
To: spaf
Someone at work heard this one on WSB AM 750 here in Atlanta the
other day. Neal Boortz was just finishing up the news, when he said
something like:
Dolly Parton's financial advisors are up to no good. They told her
that Dollywood may not be making her enough money, so she ought to
branch out, probably into the grocery business. So, yesterday, she
announced plans to buy out portions of three mid-sized grocery chains
here in the south: Big Star, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter. She
plans to merge them all into a new chain:
Big Wiggly Teeter.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 10:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
A magician is on stage performing his act. As his last trick approached,
he requested that the strongest man in the audience come up on stage. As
per request, a big burly man with hams for arms volunteered.
"For my final feat, I will ask this ox of a man to take this sledge hammer
and whack me over the head," proclaimed the magician.
Feeling a little uneasy about this request, the volunteer says to the
magician, "I can't do that, I'll kill you!"
"No, it's O.K. It's all part of the act," assures the magician.
So the volunteer, unwillingly, takes the hammer, and slams it on the
magicians head.
The magician is out cold, half his brain spilling from the impact site.
He's rushed to the hospital where he undergoes 12 hours of surgery. The
volunteer is with him throughout this endeavour, feeling responsible for
this whole incident. After the operation, the magician remained in a coma
for 6 months. Every day the strong man came to visit, reading a story,
being comforting, hoping that he'd wake up.
Finally, late at night, just as the man was about to leave, the magician
begins to stir in his bed. He wakes up, sits up, looks the man right in
the eyes and says,
"TAH-DAH!!!!!!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Dec 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: DNWU64A@prodigy.com (KEITH E SULLIVAN)
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough
like yours and he died. Of course he was hiding under his
neighbor's bed at the time.
-- Jim Reed, A Treasury of Ozark Country Humor
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Dec 1995 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday,
but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss
excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss
reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a
row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses
him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his
office.
"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've
only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console
her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we
end up making love all day long."
"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Dec 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
What's the difference between the 90's and the 50's?
In the 90's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like
some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."
[Hmm, not quite right. Bob Dole is in his 90s and he seems
content to ask for cigarettes loudly.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 1995 10:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Lirty Dies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: DNWU64A@prodigy.com (KEITH E SULLIVAN)
Lirty Dies (Stirst Fory)
-- From the album "A Whole Newt World" by The Capitol Steps,
(c)1995, Strauss & Newport.
My stirst fory is about that lady shady from Riddle Lock, Jaula Pones,
and that damous Femocrat, Clill Binton -- alias Wick Slillie
Jaula is a cheesy slick with lig bips, a burvaceous coddy, and a barge
lust.
Wick Slillie is a fiddle-aged mella, a laming fliberal and one gorny
huy!
He's so gorny he makes K.F.J. seem as maste as a chunk!
When Jaula met Slillie, she really socked his knocks off!
See head, "Hey bunny hunny ... You make my negs lock!"
See shed, "Maybe I can get a slob from this job!"
See shed, she rent to his woom, couched on the slouch, and felt his
skingers up her firt!
A little desiprential fuchy-teely!
Then he untruckled his bowsers, and his wonder-air went floun to the
door!
See shed, "I'm hiring a beagle legal! I'm filing a saw-loot!"
"I have been hexually sarassed! I am a scoman warned!"
Now there's this rorrible humor -- About how some trate stoopers saw
Wick Slillie havin' koochy-hoochy in the sack beat of a crolice
poozer.
Yeah, but you know those sack beats of crolice poozers:
There are no dandles on those hoors!
'Til now, if you wanted to be the shig bot in the Hhite Wouse,
You had to keep your bowsers truckled, be a sponogamous mouse, and
uphold the American lay of wife!
[Some people have entirely too much free time. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 95 13:17 EST
From: lda@research.att.com
Subject: microsoft product update
To: spaf
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard
Liu.
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish
a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has
not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard
Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
"I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for
change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Dec 95 18:12:10 PST
From: "Armand Aghabegian" <aagha@candle.com>
Subject: newspaper contest
To: spaf
Subject: newspaper contest
Author: Rajesh Goswami at WLAPG2
Date: 12/6/95 1:59 PM
The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart
attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the
opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and
wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple
of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Jan 1996 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Phonetic Alphabets
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@lonewolf.com>
Here's another phonetic alphabet. Some letters were hard to get
"right" -- R/L is amusing if you have the classic Sino-American
R/L distinction problem, X is just plain unpronounceable. My
favorites are A, C, E, S, W, Y.
-Dan
Letter CodeWord
------ --------
A Aye
B Beam
C Cue
D Deem
E Ewe
F Few
G Gee
H Hue
I Ide
J Jay
K Kay
L Loo
M Mote
N Note
O Owe
P Pee
Q Queue
R Rue
S Sea
T Tee
U Ute
V Vee
W Wye
X Xerophthalmia
Y You
Z Zee
Spell "chewy":
C as in Cue, H as in Hue, E as in Ewe, W as in Wye, Y as in Yew.
Spell "eschew":
E as in Ewe, S as in Sea, C as in Cue, H as in Hue, E as in Ewe,
W as in Wye.
Aaak!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 17:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Play an accordian, go to jail.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chuck Yerkes <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Number of Americans who play the accordian: 2,400,000
-- according to the National Accordian Association, 1991
[This is scarier than most statistics. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Jul 1996 18:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Pneumonaultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosisly.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)
AND A DIALOGUE FROM THE GROUP REC.PUZZLES.
"Is there a word in the English language," posted soeone, "longer
than Pneumonaultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?"
"Pneumonaultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosisly. Here it is
in a sentence:
See Spot run. Run Spot run. See Spot inhale very fine silica
dust and expire pneumonaultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosisly."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 1995 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pope's R us.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: gknauth@BBN.COM
Forwarded-by: eabyrne@husc.harvard.edu (Betty Byrne)
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a
man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was
grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who
greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted
free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own
discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father
without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was
actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled
and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they
found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over
and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibrate, not celibate!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Dec 1995 15:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Presumably they meant "concerning", and not "on".
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Ecstacy is a combination of the warm, squishy feeling you have
with heroin and the hyperkinetic energy you have on coke. ...
And you just love everybody. I mean you could walk up to Bob
Dole and have a conversation and find something to like about
him. It's pathetic.
-- Madonna, quoted in Spin Magazine on the drug Ecstacy
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 1995 15:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
Daphne: Come on now, Dr. Crane. It's not like men have never
used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex
IS what we want!
-- From a fall '95 episode of the television comedy, Frasier
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 14:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Dec 1995 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
We live in a society where you're only as cool as your latest endorsement
deal. I'm open to offers, but I'd really like to endorse sunblock number
90, which is so powerful that it actually shoots rays back at the sky... I
have just the look for it. Women find pallor seductive.
-- Conan O'Brien
[I am also open to endorsement bids. Unfortunately, where I'd like
to endorse something involving Ferrari and Claudia Schiffer, I'm afraid
all I might get is something involving Depends and Roseanne. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 18:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Mike O'Dell" <mo@uunet.uu.net>
When you want it bad, you get it bad, and they wanted it in the worst way.
-- Heidi Heiden
[Hmm, was this Java, Windows, or Geraldo? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 19:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: SOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Home pages are the pet rock of the 90s. We all have them, we all think
they're very cute. But in a few years we're going to look back and be
pretty embarrassed.
-- Tony Shepps - toad@pond.com
[Why waste time? I'm embarassed now. Not about the design -- about the
fact that the page is about me. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 10:30:15 pst
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: Take the Test: Do you have a life?
To: Gene Spafford <spaf@purdue.EDU>
Just for nerds...
(forwards on a chat line)
Do you need to get a life? Find out:
Top ten signs you should spend time away from computers:
10. Your blood pressure is 640 over 480.
9. Every time you drown, Philippe Kahn's life passes before your
eyes.
8. You can't remember the last time you went out with your
buddies and got seriously defragged.
7. You turn down dates because you have to clean your Windows
directory tonight.
6. As your significant other is walking out on you, you plead
"Can't we just do a clean boot?"
5. When you don't agree with people, you keep saying NAK at them.
4. Your life has lost its meaning since Intel and Microsoft
announced Plug and Play.
3. 900 numbers? Never touch 'em. But you've racked up $2,500 in
IRC connect-time bills this year.
2. The Microsoft Natural Keyboard seems like a pretty neat idea.
1. You got more than half the jokes in this list.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 96 4:30:21 EST
From: Johlt@aol.com
Subject: The Chain Letter of St. Paul
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Received this as a mailing from the Old Catholic mailing list:
THE CHAIN LETTER OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS
_________________________________________________________________
The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace
be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within
four days of receiving this letter--providing you in turn send it on.
2. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the gentiles or
superstituous peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all
their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not
itself, is not puffed up.
3. While visiting the Household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul
received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss.
But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a
tinkling cymbal.
4. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to
be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the
letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of
sincerity and truth.
5. Do note the following: Crispius had the gift of prophecy, and
understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so
that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to
leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.
6. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who
put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various
problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and
thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she
spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A
trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.
7. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never
faileth.
St. Paul
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Wales will be next.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
Forwarded-by: John Darden <jdarden@nmsu.edu>
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American
history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters
A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more
pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and
say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in
their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this
noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of
Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will
fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the
letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg
Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name
that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please
send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters,
I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
... <portions euthanized>
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the
letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Jul 1996 11:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Who do you want to insult today?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: jude@nas.nasa.gov (Jude A. George)
...
Used by up to 200,000 people in Mexico, a country whose population
is mainly descended from Aztec and Maya Indians, the Microsoft
program sugggested as alternatives for the word "Indian:"
"man-eater" or "savage."
Consulted for synonyms for "Western," the Spanish language program
gave "Aryan," "white" and "civilized." Lesbians were equated with
"pervert" and "depraved person."
http://www.yahoo.com/headlines/960705/international/stories/microsoft_1.html
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why, indeed?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Mike O'Dell" <mo@uunet.uu.net>
Best T-shirt seen at the Dallas IETF:
Why use a hammer to drive a nail
when you have a perfectly good skull?
Indeed.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why you should log out when you leave your workstation.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sam.Cramer@3do.com
[Lots of trailers, indicating lots of email, stripped.]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Date: 12/11/95 10:52 AM
From: Camilo Orjuela
=
Subject: Please help if you can...
=
Hi. My name is Stacey Martens. I am an 19-year-old freshman at
Indiana University. I am doing a telecom project that will attempt=
to demonstrate the scope and reach of the Internet by gauging
how many messages I can receive in one week period
=
Please send a brief message (even just one word, like "Hi")
to my e-mail account: < smartens@indiana.edu > between December 7-14.
=
I would also very much appreciate it if you could forward THIS
message to as many people and groups as you know online so they
can send me messages, too!
=
Thank you very, very much,
=
Stacey Martens
[Do I need to point out that this happened at that other university?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Dec 1995 10:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Woof-Woof-Woof
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
> "In reality, the journey is only seven or eight inches long."
> -- Female narrator, describing PBS science show video footage
> taken with a catheter gradually inserted into a man's penis.
Yeah, but if you measure all the semeniferous tubules coiled up in the
testes, they come out over 700 FEET ... _and_ they produce an average of
100,000,000 sperm every 24 hours so a guy can turn out more than 400
billion in his reproductive lifetime! I'd like to see any female narrator
beat THAT!
[Beat what? On camera? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 96 02:01:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Words To Live By... (or not)
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Hal Glatzer <0002018560@mcimail.com>
Re: non-sequitors
In the mid-1970s, Americans got their first glimpse of Monty Python,
the British comedy troupe, on ABC television. ABC had purchased
U.S. broadcast rights to the Python programs, and edited together
a 90-minute show that it broadcast late (11 p.m) at night.
The Python members were not happy with the edits, and they took
ABC to court in the U.S. on the grounds that their dramatic intent,
original concept, etc., had been compromised by the changes, especially
because ABC had upset the order in which several sketches had originally
been programmed, scrambling the sequence. This, they said, interfered
with running gags -- a particular characteristic of their humor.
ABC countered by playing the original versions and its edited version
for the court, and pointing out that another particular characteristic
of the Pythons' humor was their use of non-sequitor, the pairing of
utterly unrelated lines of dialog, and the juxtaposition of scenes
with no connection to the previous scenes. What difference did it
make, ABC argued, if the order were changed?
To this the Pythons' attorney replied: "A non-sequitor needs
something not to follow from!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 96 18:59:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Words To Live By...
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 1995 15:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: YAMJ
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
Yet Another Mitnick Joke...
-- from Charles Platt's book review of "Takedown"
John Markoff bursts into a room where Tsutomu Shimomura sits as solemn as
a zen master, peering impassively at a computer screen while he types a
Perl script. "Tsutomu, I have good news and bad news!" Markoff exclaims.
"The good news is, we sold the book rights for three-quarters of a
million. The bad news is, I haven't got a clue what Mitnick was doing for
the past two years. What the hell are we going to write about?" Shimomura
doesn't even bother to look up. He gives a barely perceptible shrug and
says, "Me, of course."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------