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Yucks Digest V7 #30
Yucks Digest Wed, 31 Dec 97 Volume 7 : Issue 30
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
... that fine line between parlor trick and near fatal accident.
1997 Lessons Learned - 1998 New Year's Resolutions
Advice for the flu season
AOL's Truth in Advertising
Barney sometimes starts playing peekaboo on his own.
Bumper sticker
Dear New Subscriber:
Excerpted: 12/23/97- ShopTalk
fest seas
Guffaws #175
Guffaws #183
Have a beer, or else.
Hello, IBM thinkpad support... How may I avoid your questions?
Joke Clean: A Clean Sweep
Love in his 90s
Microsoft Panhandling
mom and computers
No France urine fixing!
Psychiatric Christmas Carols
rune torino fee
sexist, lewd, offensive, and maybe funny
Smarter than the average bear.
The Comedian's-eye View of 12/30/97
The Critical Masshole
The Rules.
This is really weird
Top Ten Corporate Resolutions
yucks
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed Dec 31 23:26:22 EST 1997
From: spaf (Chief Yuckster)
Subject: administrivia Years and Yucks
To: Yucksters
This is the final issue of Yucks Volume #7. Volume #8 will begin
with an issue sometime in the next few days.
Again, as a reminder, I generally don't post URLs to Yucks. If you are
interested in odd WWW sites, you should subscribe to the companion
"web-heads" mailing list. (See
http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/hotlists/web-heads.html for details.)
Last of all, my best wishes to you all for a safe, successful, and
Yuck-filled 1998!
-spaf
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... that fine line between parlor trick and near fatal accident.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Alex Lewin <lewin@al2.com>
... And so I get back to school, start my senior year, two research
projects, grad school applications, GRE preparation, and the like. The
year started off [well], but that all changed about two months ago.
Some of you (especially those at [name of college]) may have heard rumors
of some bizarre accident that I was involved in. So here is the truth,
unabridged, for those of you who actually want to know.
Around the second week of school, the society of physics students held a
roughly annual welcome back party, and, as tradition dictates, we made our
own ice cream with liquid nitrogen (77 K) as a refrigerant and aerator.
Things were going fine for awhile. We spilled a little of the nitrogen
onto a table, and watched tiny little drops of it dance around. Then
someone asked, "why does it do that?"
That may have been the point of no return. I, as is traditionally my role,
answered that the nitrogen evaporates at the surface of the table, which
provides a cushion of air for the drop to sit on, and thermally insulates
the drop to minimize further evaporation. So you see a drop dance around
without boiling away, and without interacting with the table and getting
slowed down or smeared out. Then, I continued... I mentioned that the same
principle makes it possible to dip a wet hand into molten lead, or to
drink liquid nitrogen without injury.
I had done the latter several years earlier in a cryogenics lab, and
remembered the physics behind how it worked. Naturally, people around me
were skeptical. "You can't drink the stuff... it'll freeze your whole
body... Remember 'Terminator 2?' " But I was sure of myself. I had done it
before, and I believed in the physics behind it. So, naturally, I poured
myself a glass and took a shot.
Simple. Swallow. Blow smoke out nose and mouth and impress everyone at the
party. Within about two seconds, I had collapsed to the floor, unable to
breathe or feel anything other than intense pain. Ambulance arrives.
Police arrive. Trip to hospital. Admission. Try to explain to ER staff
exactly how something like this happens. Then I pass out. Wake up next
morning connected to many machines, some beeping, others performing more
important functions like digesting my food and breathing for me.
Turns out that, in accordance with popular belief, you really should not
drink the stuff. I eventually learned a few things about liquid nitrogen.
Like... while you can safely put it in your mouth, and blow neat smoke
patterns, you should never ever ever swallow. First off, the closing of
the epiglottis prevents the nitrogen gas from escaping, so it is forced
into your body instead. Second, your esophagus naturally constricts around
anything inside it, so, even if there is a thin protective gas layer, the
esophagus will find a way to make contact with the liquid nitrogen.
Also turns out that my memory was flawed. When I had done it six years
ago, i put it into my mouth and didn't swallow. Over time, that fine line
between parlor trick and near fatal accident must have blurred.
So... the consequences... my entire upper GI tract, from epiglottis to the
bottom of the stomach was badly burned, scarred, and perforated. The gas
also expanded quite a bit while inside my body. It filled my chest cavity
with several liters of nitrogen gas, which was under enough pressure to
collapse a lung. So after what I'm told was a grueling all-night surgery,
they removed part of my stomach, and had my entire digestive system, top
to bottom, running on machine power for a while. I also had a breather for
the first day or so, until my lung was restored. There are a few details
which are considerably uglier which i will spare you.
So... the recovery... they were impressed with my recuperative skills. I
could breathe on my own completely after a few days. I could sit up in bed
after a week, and was walking in two. About that time, I began to eat
again as well. After four weeks, I was up and about again. Now, something
like eight weeks, I'm virtually healed, with the exception of a number of
unsightly scars.
But.... the good news is that I am the first documented medical case of a
cryogenic ingestion. Read the New England Journal of Medicine. Three
articles are in review now, and will be published soon, I'm told.
These days, my little adventure leaves me with bad jokes at physics
department meetings, and the occasional blurb in the school paper. "Make
Mikey drink it. Mikey likes it." I've also picked up the nickname
"Nitro-Mike," which is somehow supposed to sound cool, because it conjures
up images of nitroglycerin, which implies I'm a bad mother. I don't buy
it.
If any of you guys have heard a variation on this story, let me know. I'm
always curious to hear how these things sound third and fourth hand. I was
on a follow-up visit to the hospital, and I mentioned to one of the nurses
that I go to [name of college]. And he said that he heard about some kid
from [name of college] who broke into a lab in the middle of the night and
stole some liquid nitrogen to try and get high. then, as the story goes,
by the time he gets to the hospital, he's in pretty bad shape. his lower
jaw has to be amputated, as well as his tongue. He can never eat solid
foods again, and also has a 'bag,' if you know what I mean. I didn't have
the heart to tell this guy the truth, because the story was so good at
that point.
So that, in a nutshell, is what's happened to me. Nowadays, I'm back to my
normal self... school, thesis work, grad apps, playing music, talking on
the radio, and suffering over women.
So here I am.
[Good thing he didn't get confused and try to drink the molten lead.
Luckily, as a computer scientist, my most dangerous stunts involve
no bounds checking on arrays and unsafe type conversions.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 97 16:48:11 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: 1997 Lessons Learned - 1998 New Year's Resolutions
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Linda Branagan <linda@intervista.com>
New Year's Resolution #1
Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases
New Year's Resolution #2
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet
(especially when they are less than 1000 feet above the ground)
New Year's Resolution #3
Stay off the Mir space station
New Year's Resolution #4
Don't eat cloned meat
New Year's Resolution #5
Try not to have seven children at once
New Year's Resolution #6
Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants
New Year's Resolution #7
Don't give real name when making campaign bribes
New Year's Resolution #8
Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare battery.
New Year's Resolution #9
Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming it
on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.
New Year's Resolution #10
No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 1997 01:21:09 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Advice for the flu season
To: Norman Gikbert Pundit <ngilbert@netcom.ca>, "Rodney & Cathy's Joke List" <1rodney@geocities.com>, "Yuk's Digest" <yucks>, Infinite Joke List <JOKES@INFINITE.ihub.com>
Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility
to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents. People who, by
their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than
are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents. Thus, the surly bird
gets the germ.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 97 12:29:45 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: AOL's Truth in Advertising
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: silver@phoenyx.net (Karen J. Cravens)
I just got one of those AOL free floppies at work and, needing a blank disk,
popped the package. While the disk was formatting, I happened to read the
blurb inside the cover. Among the features I found:
"Immediate response-less waiting."
Either the copysetter needs to learn the difference between a dash and a
hyphen, or they had to make one heck of a concession to truth-in-advertising
laws...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 1997 11:05:06 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Barney sometimes starts playing peekaboo on his own.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
At
http://www.microsoft.com/kb/default.asp
is the home page for the Microsoft Technical Support Knowledge Base.
It has a large menu from which to select products. This menu includes,
for example, Windows NT Workstation.
It also includes "Barney Under the Sea".
A search for items containing "Barney" for the "Barney Under the Sea"
product gives a whole bunch of items, most if not all of which refer to
the page at
http://premium.microsoft.com/support/tshoot/barney.asp
(you probably have to register with Microsoft to get this), entitled
"Having Problems with ActiMates Barney? Let Us Help!"; that page has a
form that lets you select various symptoms, such as
ActiMates Barney doesn't play peekaboo when I cover his eyes.
and
ActiMates Barney sometimes starts playing peekaboo on his own.
(I'm sure Jocelyn Elders would approve of that), and
I receive the error message: "Unknown Error."
(which could probably apply to just about any piece of computer software
on the planet), and
I receive the error message: "Barney Not Found."
(well, did you try looking under your child's bed?)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 13:21:26 -0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Bumper sticker
To: spaf, bostic@bsdi.com, psl@acm.org
Forwarded-by: cdash@cs.uccs.edu
Forwarded-by: rec.humor.funny
Forwarded-by: A.N.Ogden@reading.ac.uk (Adrian Ogden)
You know you're driving on the Information Super Highway
when the bumper sticker on the car in front reads:
UBAX vs lbh ybir EBG-13
[Clue: ROT-13. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Dear New Subscriber:
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Alan B. Clegg" <abc@station1.firehouse.net>
The following is taken from a Telephone New Subscriber Pamphlet dated
April 1, 1997. It is appropriate to this group who must keep current on
service issues related to the Internet.
There is a serious side-effect to having the phone company blow or clean
out your lines. If there is a weak spot in the insulation anywhere
between the central office and your phone, it can cause an insulation
break in your phone line. Through this break, solder ants can enter thus
causing an infestation, especially when the insulation break is close to
your house. For the uninformed, solder ants, a close cousin to the
leaf-cutter ant, crawl through the phone lines and attack the soldered
connections in phone equipment, answering machines, telephones, modems,
digital satellite receivers (plugged into a phone jack) and home
computers, especially those using an internal modem. They eat the solder
off of joints causing cold solder joints and opens. Symptoms of a solder
ant infestation are the crackling and popping sounds heard on your phone,
spurious reboots on your computer and wrong numbers/incomplete calls on
your phone. Remember the electrical outage that affected nearly the
entire western United States several years ago? It was caused by solder
ants.
Three ways to combat this pest are as follows ...
1. Cracks in your phone line insulation, the cause of solder ant
infestations, are caused by excess slack in cables between the
central office and your home. This slack causes excessive bending
of the insulation on your phone lines thus causing cracks thus
allowing solder ants to enter. In order to correct this, insist that
the phone company pull all the slack out of your lines from the
central office end. This is not widely known, but the telcos must
do this at no charge to the subscriber requesting it. Lobbying by
the telcos prevented them from having to do this automatically.
2. Four to six inches from the device (phone, modem, etc.) tie a tight
knot in the phone cord to prevent solder ants from exiting to your
equipment (Make sure you loosen the knot when the lines are blown
out!). This also has the added benefit of preventing lightning from
destroying your equipment. It is a known fact that lightning must
travel in a straight line and it cannot make it around the bends of
a tight knot tied in your phone cord. This is a little known fact that
companies such as APC, who make surge suppression equipment,
do not want you to know.
3. Insist that the phone company flush your lines instead of blow them
out. Chemicals contained in the flushing solution ward off solder
ants and are just as effective in cleaning out your lines. The only
problem is that once notified that your lines are to be flushed, you
have the responsibilty of unplugging all telecom devices and leaving
the phone cord ends extended in to some type of bucket to capture
the flushing solution. Otherwise the solution will drain all over your
equipment and require professional cleaning. An environmental
note: Smaller, less well-financed telcos use cheaper, older, more
dangerous flushing solutions. The residue left from line flushing
must be dealt with the same way you would deal with any petroleum
based solvent. The easiest way to get around this is to insist that
your telco use environmentally friendly subscriber line flushing
solvents.
Warning: Do not attempt to blow out the lines yourself or try to look
into a line that is being blown clean. You could destroy your phone
equipment or injure yourself. It is best left to the experts.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: 12/23/97- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Lmancus <Lmancus@aol.com>
Jersey Family Values: Gay couples in New Jersey can now adopt foster
children. "Conservatives denounced the idea, saying, 'It's cruel and
immoral to raise children in an environment like ... New Jersey.' "
(Daily Scoop)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Dec 1997 08:21:27 +0900
From: TtonyY <joeycoco@seagreen.ocn.ne.jp>
Subject: fest seas
To: yucks
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender
says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Gimme a beer and a mop."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 21:28:42 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #175
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu, "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu
The Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend
15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your
Oldsmobile.
14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a
safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the
Stoli.
11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball
goal.
10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of
Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought
the *car*.
8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra
Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver
in the shape of a bottle.
5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's
VomitMan!"
4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take
you to find your pants.
3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal
cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned
the goat.
and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...
1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a
slogan and not a personal challenge.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ This is probably appropriate for some of you celebrating New Years.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Dec 1997 20:24:53 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #183
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu
Barbies We'd Like To See
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and
perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay
scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits
and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are
holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and
out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass,
and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can
learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included:
tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such
as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various
stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring
that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her
own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah
for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty
of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so,
""Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls
not to take shit from men and condesending White people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is
hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin,
a real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs
to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny
Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs
of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of
course, an appetite.
----------
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other
accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest
warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the
Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough
math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear
Barbie's clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with
this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie
set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls
mysteriously disappear.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Have a beer, or else.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Subject: Beer O' The Day
Forwarded-by: Richard Troy <rtroy@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: prefect1@ix.netcom.com
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -- it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee alot.
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
-- Dave Barry
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Hello, IBM thinkpad support... How may I avoid your questions?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 16:54:16 -0500
[attribution removed by request]
(paraphrased from a tech support call to IBM)
*ring* *ring*
IBM: hello, ibm thinkpad support.. how may i help you?
me: my new 560X is crashing in win95 when i suspend
IBM: yes sir. there's a known problem with suspend and
PCMCIA cards... PCMCIA network and modem cards don't
support suspend mode properly. they're not power-aware.
me: *ponder* *think* you mean to say my Xircom network
card is the problem? wait.. the Xircom card suspends fine
on my Toshiba notebook. how can the problem be PCMCIA
cards not being power-aware?
IBM: yes sir. there is a workaround... stop any PCMCIA cards
you have prior to invoking suspend.
me: ok. i can live with that for the short term. has this
beein reported to IBM engineering as a bug and do you have
some idea of an ETA?
IBM: i'm sorry sir. this is not a bug. the problem is with
the PCMCIA cards.
me: ??!! fine. do you have a hardware compatibility list of
PCMCIA network cards which do work and i'll go buy one of
those.
IBM: yes sir. our IBM network and modem cards are supported and
known to work.
me: great! so the IBM cards will suspend properly?
IBM: i didn't say that sir. the IBM cards are supported and
known to work.
me: yes.. so the IBM cards will suspend and resume reliably?
IBM: i didn't say that sir. the IBM cards are our supported cards
for the 560X and known to work. you'll just need to stop the
card services before suspending.
me: so are there any PCMCIA cards which doesn't require being
stopped in order for the 560X to suspend correctly?
IBM: no sir.
me: and this is not considered a bug in the 560X?
IBM: yes sir. the problem is that the PCMCIA card doesn't support
suspend correctly.
me: even your own PCMCIA cards?
IBM: i didn't say that sir.
me: i can use both the IBM and Xircom cards in my Toshiba w/o
suspend/resume problems... and this is still not a bug with
the 560X design?
IBM: sir, the supported IBM cards are known to work on the 560X.
me: but not realiably?
IBM: i didn't say that sir.
i relented at this point and let the poor support tech go. obviously
he was under direct orders not to acknowledge a design flaw in
the 560X PCMCIA subsystem by management.
this was a perversely facinating call and i think i'll go have
a pizza and a beer now.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 1997 20:19:53 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Joke Clean: A Clean Sweep
To: Norman Gikbert Pundit <ngilbert@netcom.ca>, "Rodney & Cathy's Joke List" <1rodney@geocities.com>, "Yuk's Digest" <yucks>, Infinite Joke List <JOKES@INFINITE.ihub.com>
A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local
theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely
windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of
sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs)
and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.
My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would
have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside
to work. The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean,
now I weigh me down to sweep?"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 97 13:43:10 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Love in his 90s
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: halglatzer@sprintmail.com (Hal Glatzer)
Forwarded-by: "Saul Feldman" <sfeldman@sirius.com>
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young
man stops to ask him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man says,
"I'm married to a beautiful twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with
that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You
don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love...
At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my
favorite lunch. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and
we have sex, the best an old man could want. And then after supper, all
night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man is mystified. "I don't understand. It sounds like you
have an idyllic relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers,
again through his tears, "I forgot where I live!"
[This is only half-funny to me: my memory is like this nowadays. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 1997 16:59:32 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Microsoft Panhandling
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu
Announcing Microsoft Panhandling
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet
Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for
Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates'
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu,
"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare
any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is
a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet
consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a
little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change
between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to
Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program
politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet
been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard
Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next
couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes
$50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean
up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows
95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,"
says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean,
in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll
have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 1997 16:22:33 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: mom and computers
To: spaf
People often ask me how I was able to learn so much about computers.
They never forget to remind me that my parent's generation didn't
have the same access to computers that we enjoy today.
But the truth is this: Mama was the best computer teacher that I
ever had!!!
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you
asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?"
I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the
definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which
responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real
device."
Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated
by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise
just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them
to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand
because you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she
laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the
treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after
doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned
when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later
she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem
by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one
matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper
which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This
was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money
by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to
reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling
teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on
top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He
created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and
distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a
neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk
to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors
that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: No France urine fixing!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: "Rob Pike" <rob@plan9.bell-labs.com>
Ron Hardin's mostly machine-generated version from many years ago. It's
characterized by spectacular word choices (anemometer cur chiffon) and
few proper nouns.
TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS
Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Psychiatric Christmas Carols
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: ROSAPHILIA <rugosa@interport.net
Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality
-- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses
Borderline Personality
-- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
Personality Disorder
-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why
Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All
is Pretty Lonely
Obsessive Compulsive
-- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
Passive Aggressive
-- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me...
(And Then Took it All Away)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 10:52:22 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lisac@dvart.com>
Subject: rune torino fee
To: bc@wetware.com, diana_chabot@ccm.jf.intel.com
------- Forwarded Message
From: Peter Govaars <peterg@dvart.com>
Subject: Int'l Room Service
>Return-Path: <parimah@clarify.com>
>From: Parimah Mehrrostami <parimah@clarify.com>
>Subject: Int'l Room Service
>Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 09:48:55 -0800
>
>>
>>This is real funny :)
>>
>>>Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene.
>>>This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of
>>>the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the "Far-East
>>>Economic Review":
>>>
>>>Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
>>>
>>>Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
>>>
>>>RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
>>>
>>>HG: Uh ... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
>>>
>>>RS: Ow July den?
>>>
>>>HG: What?
>>>
>>>RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?
>>>
>>>HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
>>>
>>>RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?
>>>
>>>HG: Crisp will be fine.
>>>
>>>RS: Hokay. An Santos?
>>>
>>>HG: What?
>>>
>>>RS: Santos. July Santos?
>>>
>>>HG: Uh. I don't know... I don't think so.
>>>
>>>RS: No. Judo one toes?
>>>
>>>HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo
>>>one toes" means. I'm sorry.
>>>RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
>>>bother?
>>>
>>>HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An
>>>English muffin will be fine.
>>>
>>>RS: We bother?
>>>
>>>HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
>>>
>>>RS: Wad?
>>>
>>>HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
>>>
>>>RS: Copy?
>>>
>>>HG: I feel terrible about this but ...
>>>
>>>RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill--
>>>
>>>HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
>>>
>>>RS: One Minnie. Thas rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
>>>tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
>>>
>>>HG: Whatever you say.
>>>
>>>RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.
>>>
>>>HG: You're welcome.
>>>
>>>
>>
>>
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 11:26:01 EST
From: Santasam <Santasam@aol.com>
Subject: sexist, lewd, offensive, and maybe funny
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he
looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The
cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The
Indian replied, "Many moons."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old
pen buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the
mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put
your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So
the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next
day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The
boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied,
"Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the
boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it
between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with
the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The
daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw
out!!!!"
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge
of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 1997 12:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Smarter than the average bear.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Humphries, William" <WHumphri@epri.com>
Forwarded-by: "Barnaby" <hrapopo@ibm.net>
> This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
>
> "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
> National Park Sites?"
Yes, I can, but you won't be pleased with the answer.
When Civil War armies got cut off from their supplies and had to live off
the land, they'd often march towards the nearest National Park and descend
on the tourists. (The character Yogi Bear got started in Civil War era
newspapers as a symbolic figure in serious political cartoons -- how many
of you knew that?).
Barnaby Rapoport
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Dec 97 16:56:04 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 12/30/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Excerpted-from: 12/30/97 -- ShopTalk
Evander Holyfield will fight Lennox Lewis on April 25 in Las Vegas.
"Holyfield is the first heavyweight to float like a butterfly and taste like
chicken." (Hamilton)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 1997 08:01:17 GMT
From: bud.jamison@thekat.cts.com (Bud Jamison)
Subject: The Critical Masshole
Newsgroups: sdnet.general
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
-> From: strads@tmisnet.com (George Crissman)
-> Subject: Re: The Critical Massholes are statistically arriving in San
->
-> 1. In 1979, there were 3.4 people in each car on the freeway.
-> 2. In 1985, there were 2.7 people in each car on the freeway.
-> 3. Statistics therefore prove that by the year 2003, one of
-> every three cars on the freeway will be empty.
It's already evident. Every day, SDPD, CHP, and other agencies respond
to crashes where there is no one in the car.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 10:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Rules.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike.Andrews )
BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
** DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
** CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag
is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that
it is as long as the human's bare foot.
** BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything -- just sit and stare.
** HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try
to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite
of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
-- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
** WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.
** BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
** PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash
a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse":
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the
covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are
actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one.
Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun
them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill":
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more,
the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything
goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as
one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans
grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If
one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the
round of King of the Hill.
** TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several
types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so
that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are
generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites
of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically
becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take
care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
Dignity.
** PAPER BAGS:
within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged
to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you
can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around
the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done
to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for
Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result
in a great Tag match.
** FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the
food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your
tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full
enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will
usually not be so polite and try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to
beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will,
but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't
forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping
onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down
in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct
Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while
meowing plaintively.
** SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat
must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a
comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous
weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
** SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may
provide. They are very protective of what they think is their
property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your
claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees
are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
** HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Dec 97 14:04:31 GMT
From: Hugh Davies <huge@axalotl.demon.co.uk>
Subject: This is really weird
To: spaf
[This is a followup to a previous Yucks posting. --spaf]
There is a thriving trade in soiled panties in Japan, and it is even
possible to buy them from vending machines in some places. Even more
bizarre is the trade in schoolgirl spittle in signed bottles with a
picture of the "donor" on the bottle, and most bizarre of all, the
trade in menstrual fluid and soiled sanitary products.
"Yes, Jim, it's sex, but not as we know it."
Happy Christmas!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Dec 97 12:00:41 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Top Ten Corporate Resolutions
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
From: CNET, Inc. (dispatch@CNET.COM)
TOP TEN CORPORATE RESOLUTIONS
You are not alone. Big computer companies have resolutions to make, too:
10. Apple: get a CEO. Really. We mean it this year.
9. Oracle: blame Asia.
8. AOL: buy more users!
7. Corel: sell Dr. Cowpland's Lamborghini to fund Java development.
6. Intel: new corporate uniform--pink bunny suits for everyone!
5. CNET: try to write some funny top ten lists.
4. Wired: buy some white paper and black ink.
3. Gateway: enough with the cows already! Adopt ferrets as new corporate
mascot.
2. Microsoft: increase charitable giving to Department of Justice.
1. Netscape: REALLY increase charitable giving to Department of Justice.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997 10:06:57 -0800
From: Phil Wolff <philbert@mail.telis.org>
Subject: yucks
To: spaf
<fontfamily><param>Geneva</param><bigger>Found the following exchange
on alt.sys.mac.newuser-help:
Subject: I need help - innocence!
From: <<e.wagner@berlin.snafu.de>
Date: Mon, 15 Dec 1997 18:13:20 GMT
Organization: Unlimited Surprise Systems, Berlin
X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.0.82
My mac is infected with the innocence-virus. SAM (4.5.1) is not able
to help. Is there another anti-virus-program which can destroy
innocence?
Subject: Re: I need help - innocence!
From: Brad Ferguson <<not@this.time>
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 02:16:29 -0500
Organization: -----
X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0
In article <<673r2c$o37$1@unlisys.unlisys.net>,
e.wagner@berlin.snafu.de wrote:
> Is there another anti-virus-program which can destroy
> innocence?
My God. Has _everything_ gone high-tech?
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
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