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Yucks Digest V7 #27 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 11 Dec 97 Volume 7 : Issue 27
Today's Topics:
$$$$ Make Tenure fa$t $$$
Another oldie
Bill Gates' House
Both ears and the tail?
cutie
DC JOTD
Dilbert Bits 18.0
Excerpted: 11/25/97- ShopTalk
failed state mottos [thanks Scooter]
for those who like impressionist art
Fortran
FW: Forward to Fun Bunchers
FW: Marriage--What a wonderful life!
FW: Yes, More Bumper Stickers (***)
Fwd: Thinkers Anonymous
Humor
ironic celebrity deaths
Men & Women & Autos
MENSA pick-up lines
Oldie but Goodie
Oldies but goodies
Oldies but goodies (off-color)
pigs, chickens and...
SIOTW - Scary Image of the Week
Spooky.
The length of the King's thumb.
Too Absurd Not to be True
ULotD: Missing your Mercedes?
Unabomber Haikus
Usoft Bashing O' The Day: There are many reasons for failing.
Well, I can't think why.
What you hear ...
When you can't win for losing.
Yucks Submission: Jingle "Gates"
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 07:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: $$$$ Make Tenure fa$t $$$
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Alan Langerman <alan@synonym.orca.com>
Forwarded-by: Richard Lamson <rlamson@umabnet.ab.umd.edu>
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been
to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you
good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must
follow these instructions:
- include in your next journal article the citations below.
- remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to your
journal article at the bottom.
- make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze
your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In
addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the
reference loop, but send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was
elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter
away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and
put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He
found the letter and passed it on, and his article was published that year
in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed
to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback his entire department was
eliminated. This could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant.
Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
an empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior.
Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
with Emergent Symbolic Structure.
(doctoral dissertation, University of California at
Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 00:07:54 EST
From: Santasam <Santasam@aol.com>
Subject: Another oldie
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
So it seems that this reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about
the people and their land. He meets an old man in a secluded village,
and over a cup of the local brew asks him about the memorable events of
his life. After a bit of thought, the old man says, "Well, there was this
time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went
looking for it. We looked and looked, all the time drinking vodka, and
finally found the donkey, and then one by one we screwed the donkey! And,
then, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and the rest of the
village got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and
looked, all the time drinking vodka, and finally found her. Then we got
more vodka and all got drunk and screwed her!"
The interviewer *knows* he can't write an article about this no matter if
it's true or not, so he encourages the old man to tell him another story.
He asks him if he had any "dramatic", or especially sad memories that he
could talk about. The old man pauses a little, and a melancholy
expression steals over his features. "Well," he replies, "there was this
one time I got lost..."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 04 Dec 1997 08:59:52 -0600
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@pswtech.com>
Subject: Bill Gates' House
To: yucks
------- Forwarded Message
From: "Roy Clemmons" <clemmons@spec.com>
Subject: FW: Gates a roasting
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 08:52:16 -0600
>Bill Gates Hears From His Housing Contractor
>
>While the Bill Gates family is moving in from their temporary quarters
>nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be
>completed until the end of the year. We listen in on a discussion Mr. Gates
>is having with his housing Contractor...
>
>Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
>Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
>the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
>
>Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a
>little smaller than we anticipated."
>
>Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
>release date."
>
>Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
>
>Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
>living room or you can use a Stacker."
>
>Bill: "Stacker?"
>
>Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
>room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the
>couch, the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you
>want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it
>back when you're done."
>
>Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures.
>The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run
>the wrong way."
>
>Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Your old bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
>have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
>
>Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
>How do I fix that?"
>
>Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
>
>Bill: "You're kidding!?"
>
>Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
>
>Bill: "(sigh) Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
>guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
>pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
>
>Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
>to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
>fixtures."
>
>Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
>
>Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
>off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then
>you can get back to work."
>
>Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
>
>Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
>
>Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
>
>Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release
>sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but
>we've had some delays..."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 07:38:57 -0800 (PST)
From: Brian Kantor <brian@karoshi.ucsd.edu>
Subject: Both ears and the tail?
To: yucks
One wonders WHICH 20% you get. I'm partial to brains, myself.
>From brandy@cyberscorts.com Mon Dec 8 23:38:19 1997
>From: "Brandy" <brandy@cyberscorts.com>
>Subject: Time to meet with a beautiful girl?
>Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 18:33:20 +0000
>
>Cyberscorts has hundreds of listings and pictures on-line.
>Models, Escorts, Dancers, Masseuses, Dates, Photographers, and more.
>Our site has some of the nicest artwork and photos.
>Real, beautiful girls are just a click away:
>
>http://www.cyberscorts.com
>
>We also need sales reps in all the major cities of the US, Europe, and Asia
>who receive 20% of all the girls they sign up, 500 business cards, and
>all kinds of perks described on the web site.
>
>The web site will answer all of your questions and speak for itself.
>
>Kind Regards,
>
>Brandy
>
>Sales Rep #10:10
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 06:32 EST
From: Lindsay Cleveland <lindsay@dscatl.atl.ga.us>
Subject: cutie
To: <spaf>
Contributed by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike Andrews)
4rbm2@qlink.queensu.ca (Marks Robert B) writes:
Someone wrote:
> I propose a system of civil law whereby the plaintiff and respondant
> have at each other with small burrowing marsupials.
Berwyn wrote:
> That would be trial by wombat combat, you dingbat.
>
> True trial by wombat would involve dignified lawyers presenting the case
> at great length and with great solemnity to a panel of carefully selected
> marsupials.
>
> Not to be confused with a kangaroo court.
mittle@panix.com (Arval d'Espas Nord) wrote:
> Which of course could give a whole new meaning to having the
> judge in ones' pocket...
Paul Bennett <pbennett@slonet.org> writes:
> Not to Jump ahead here, but arn't we leaping to conclusions a bit?
In article <4fhbqn$esj@twizzler.callamer.com> wrote:
> No. I think that this is quite within the bounds of the discussion.
>
> Question before the house - if the Judge in the Kangaroo Court were
> to use a bell instead of a gavel, would the clerk record the Judges's
> calls to order as "the boomer rang"?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: DC JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Marion Barry, the mayor of Washington, DC, has put up $100,000
of his taxpayer's money so the city can compete to host the next
summer Olympics. Apparently he hopes to enter himself in the
crack and field events.
-- Gekko, in National_Review, Dec. 8th, 1997
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 97 17:27:05 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Dilbert Bits 18.0
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Excerpted-from: Dilbert Newsletter 18.0
by Scott Adams
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in
spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
-----------
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in
the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from
rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
-----------
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the
(I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
-----------
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older
friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's
license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied,
"That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 12:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: 11/25/97- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>
In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Le Tourneau
pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student... Miss LeTourneau
has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids call her, 'the greatest
teacher of all time.'
-- Norm MacDonald on SNL
"Cadillac will be begin production of a sport utility truck" says Alex
Kaseberg. "Finally, a car that will negotiate that nasty gravel path
behind the country clubhouse."
"Martha Stewart has sued the National Enquirer for $10 million for
accusing her of being mentally ill," says Bob Mills. "She has already
demonstrated how to make festive holiday decorations out of shredded
subpoenas."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 14:33:07 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: failed state mottos [thanks Scooter]
To: spaf
Failed State Mottos
===================
Alabama
Literacy Ain't Everything
Arkansas
At Least We're not Oklahoma
California
Se Habla Ingles
Connecticut
New York City's OTHER Suburb
Florida
The Gunshine State
Idaho
Famous for Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
Illinois
Gateway to Iowa
Indiana
Home of Dan Quayle
Kansas
Don't Blame Us: We Voted For Dole
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Maine
For Sale
Maryland
We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
Minnesota
Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
New Jersey
The Garbage State
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have the Right to Remain Silent,
You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina
Tobacco is a Vegetable
Ohio
Don't Judge us by Cleveland
Oregon
Jerry Garcia was here!
Pennsylvania
Cook with Coal
South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Educashun State
Texas
Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed
Utah
Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia
We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
Washington
Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
Wisconsin
Come Sniff our Dairy Air
Wyoming
Flat Is Where It's At
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 12:00:04 -0800
From: Fred Clegg <Fred.Clegg@mri.com>
Subject: for those who like impressionist art
To: spaf
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the
goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran
out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:
- -- (brace yourself) --
- -- (this is going to hurt) --
- -- (really bad.) --
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Fortran
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" <kole@rsn.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: Paul Dressel <dressel@rsn.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: dodson@rsn.hp.com
Forwarded-by: Stephen Mercer <srmercer@rsn.hp.com>
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom
about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when
FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
------------------------------
Date: 8 Dec 1997 06:57:17 -0500
From: "Morgan, Steve" <steve_morgan@mail.nobl.k12.in.us>
Subject: FW: Forward to Fun Bunchers
To: "Alexander, Shirley" <SCA@iquest.net>,
[Various forwards deleted]
Did you guys like SNL?
This is only for those SNL fans!!! This is from an actual newspaper contest
where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts" by Jack
Handey. Enjoy!!
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
onthe last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age
13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I
didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die
and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I livein
the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the
Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic
elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and
strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting
farts. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died. --Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?-Age15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. --Age 15
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 09:32:38 -0500
From: Larry Riegel <llr@chesco.com>
Subject: FW: Marriage--What a wonderful life!
To: "'Audrey Lycan'" <IveyL@aol.com>
"MARRIAGE" WHAT A WONDERFUL LIFE
1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name
was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman;
Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It
should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California
lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather
or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long
as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't
like to interrupt her.
10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
.
12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that,
he is finished.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 1997 09:39:30 -0500
From: Larry Riegel <llr@chesco.com>
Subject: FW: Yes, More Bumper Stickers (***)
To: "'Audrey Lycan'" <IveyL@aol.com>
These are actual bumper stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana-At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 10:57:50 -0500 (EST)
From: RexHBlack@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: Thinkers Anonymous
To: spaf
As Karl Malden would say, don't let this happen to you....
From: Bill Tryon, INTERNET:bill.tryon@autodesk.com
RE: Thinkers Anonymous
TA - Thinkers Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then
to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was
more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking
all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I
would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in.
He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have
to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd
had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open.
The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling
glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is
heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that
line. It comes from the standard
Thinkers Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:50:58 -0800
From: Emily Carter <eac@chem.ucla.edu>
Subject: Humor
To: spaf
>IRAQ:
>The United Nations invaded Iraq, it was announced today. The United
>States sent two personnel carriers and 10,000 troops, the French sent
>4,000 troops, and British sent 500 Au Pairs.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 02 Dec 1997 11:14:54 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: ironic celebrity deaths
To: spaf
The Top 16 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
16> Charleton Heston -- Shot by an ape cleaning its semi-automatic
"hunting rifle"
15> Pamela Anderson Lee -- Boobytrap
14> Susan Lucci -- Tripped and broke her neck while running up
steps to accept Emmy
13> Barry White -- Ambushed by a squad of confused Girl Scout
leaders
12> Alanis Morissette -- Killed just after winning the lottery at
age 98, in a car accident during a traffic jam on her own rainy
wedding day while receiving a prepaid free ride from three
women who look just like her but with worse hair. Whoa.
11> Anna Nicole Smith -- Suffocated while working out on a slant
board
10> Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought
9> Marlon Brando -- Choked to death while eating buttered popcorn
at 25th anniversary screening of "Last Tango in Paris"
8> Keith Richards -- Natural causes
7> RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
6> Madonna -- Exposure
5> Al Gore -- Dutch Elm disease
4> Keanu Reeves -- Brain tumor
3> Marv Albert -- Hit by Victoria's Secret delivery truck outside
of Carpet World
2> Pee Wee Herman -- Died by his own hand
and the Number 1 Most Ironic Celebrity Death...
1> Gallagher -- Killed by Smashing Pumpkins
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Dec 97 17:20:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Men & Women & Autos
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[For some reason this sounds like a Thurber story to me... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Forwarded-by: Robert Field Stockton <rfsesq@stockton-law.com>
A wife goes to her husband and says, "Dear, the car won't run; I think there
is water in the carborator."
The husband looks at her and says, "That's ridiculous. There can't be water
in the carburetor. You wouldn't even know what a carburetor is, or how to
spell it. Where's the car?"
"In the pool." says the wife.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 04 Dec 1997 10:35:34 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: MENSA pick-up lines
To: spaf
The Top 16 MENSA Pick-Up Lines
16> "This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh.
Any questions?"
15> "Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"
14> "Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle
such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"
13> "What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium
on Euclidean Geometry?"
12> "Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my
domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?"
11> "It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if
it did, I'd be overqualified."
10> "You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond
all capacity for cognitive discourse."
9> "Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!"
8> "You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic
equations through my mind all night."
7> "That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."
6> "According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum
Mechanics, we may already be making love right now."
5> "If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus,
would you take umbrage?"
4> "I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus
maximus."
3> "Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"
2> "By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants,
calculating your body mass based on your height and weight,
and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that
you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact,
glad to see me."
and the Number 1 MENSA Pick-Up Line...
1> "Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 1997 17:22:38 -0500 (EST)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: Oldie but Goodie
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Hunchback comes home from work one day a see a Wok on the table. He says,
"Are we having Chinese food tonight?" She says, "No, I was just ironing
your shirts".
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Dec 1997 19:55:08 EST
From: Santasam <Santasam@aol.com>
Subject: Oldies but goodies
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A female resident of a retirement home saw a new male
resident sitting at a table in the lounge.
She introduced herself and asked him if he had just moved in.
He replied that he had moved in the day before. She asked if
he had to sell his home and he told her that he had just got out
of prison after serving a fifty year sentence. She asked what he
had done to get a fifty year sentence and he told her that he
had used an axe to cut his wife into pieces.
She replied,"Oh, You're single"!!
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He *is* Santa Claus
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to
take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General
Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the
Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you how well behaved they
are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. They sat down and "Stand up,
nuts" Everyone stood up "Sit down, nuts" Everyone sat down. "Look behind
you nuts" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning
or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter.
He asked what happened. A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts"
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a
couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours
later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought,
those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.
Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly
underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to
attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to
death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and
flipped
it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures, all dead as
well.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have
any shoes either!"
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go
back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I
have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog
and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other
end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you my
turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at
the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other
side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his
turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't
been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the
checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the
examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't
have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks
desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe
came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at
her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and
ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up
and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and
broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The
bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have
run 10 miles!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 1997 17:22:05 -0500 (EST)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: Oldies but goodies (off-color)
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
This guy is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, when a gorgeous
woman sits next to him and says, "I'm really depressed. My husband left
me because he said I'm too kinky." To which the guy replies, "What a
coincidence! My wife left me for the same reason!" They talk for a while,
and the
woman suggests they continue the conversation at her place.
When they get there, she excuses herself to change into something a little
more comfortable. She comes out of the bedroom wearing leather panties and
bra and a spiked dog collar, and she's holding whips and chains. She
notices the guy is putting his coat on and turning toward the door, and
says, "Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky?"
The guy says, "I already screwed your dog and shit in your purse,
what else do you want?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 09:31:29 -0800
From: Berry Kercheval <berry@join.com>
Subject: pigs, chickens and...
To: spaf
This morning on the drive to work my wife Alene and I were talking, and the
subject of pigs and chickens came up. You know, the ham-and-eggs breakfast:
the chicken is involved but the pig is committed.
At PARC we used the terms to indicate one's level of comittment to a project.
A chicken would do some work but drop it if something else came up, while a
pig would make it the focus of all his (or her) work.
Alene came up with yet another level of involvement: parsley. The parsley is
just sort of there. It doesn't really contribute anything, but it has to be
acknowledged. Sort of like a thesis advisor...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Dec 97 12:07:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: SIOTW - Scary Image of the Week
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Ladysmyth <Ladysmyth@aol.com> (Sarah Gowan)
My twelve year old stepdaughter says to me,
"What if they made breast implants out of Flubber?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Spooky.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
If you remember the movie "Back to the Future II" you will recall that
Bif goes to the future and steals a Sports Almanac, where in turn he goes
back to the past to give it to young Bif. As we all know Young Bif was
able to become very wealthy by betting on games where he already knew the
final score.
In an obscure line you hear young Bif say "Florida is going to win the
World Series in 1997, yeah right."
This movie came out in 1987, ten years before the Marlins did actually
win the world series. And what's really weird is ... Florida didn't
even have a baseball team in 1987. The Marlins are only 5 years old.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: The length of the King's thumb.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jeff Moore <jbm@instinet.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 17:08:32 -0500
To: leica-users@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
From: Marc James Small <msmall@roanoke.infi.net>
Subject: Re: Objective info request
The standard thread for microscope objectives is that of the
Royal Microscope Society, called, without a trace of apparent
humour, the "royal screw" (4/5" by 1/36"). It is shared, even
to this day, by macro-objectives such as the Zeiss Luminar and
Leitz/Leica Photar lenses.
[Maybe it's only me, but it seems that if the royal screw is only
4/5" by 1/36", that might explain some of the marriage difficulties
they've been experiencing. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 14:04:11 -0500 (EST)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: Too Absurd Not to be True
To: spaf
Q. What have we learned, Dorothy?
A. Never name a kitten Lorena.
[Larry is referring to the kamikaze kittens described in the last Yucks.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ULotD: Missing your Mercedes?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Chris Sherwood <chrisshe@microsoft.com>
Car Thefts -- from Alexander Forbes Communications Division, South Africa
Although crime seems to be the best paid profession in South Africa at
the moment, it is still not as sophisticated as in some of the other parts
of the world.
A Gentleman based in Bogota, Colombia, tells the story of a fellow
American whose new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the street. The next day,
he received a phone call demanding a $10,000 ransom. On the advice of
his insurers, he paid up, and the robbers duly left his car where he could
find it.
The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had paid so
promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for a full year. A week
later, however, his Merc was gone again. The same thieves phoned to
demand $10,000. "But it's not fair," protested the victim, "you stole my
car before and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months." After
first protesting that this was impossible, the caller promised to check,
and the victim could hear computer keys over the phone. Finally, the
caller was back on the line, full of apologies, and told the victim where
his Merc could be found.
When he got there the American found not only his car, but also a bottle
of French Champagne on the front seat, as well as a card apologizing for
the mistake and the inconvenience.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 May 96 13:53:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Unabomber Haikus
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: joev@halcyon.com
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Pliske" <chuckp@u.washington.edu>
UNABOMBER HAIKUS - APRIL 1996
Do you like my beard?
Please tell me you like my beard
Or I'll blow you up
Machines done ruined
Western Civilization
Think I'll mail some bombs
I have a vision
But I am misunderstood
Do you like my beard?
Option: Suicide
Perhaps I'll send a letter
To myself in jail
Harvard boy--upset.
Didn't get the attention
Of upper class chicks
Ed McMahon of Death
You may already be a
Winner! Open me!
Bad Unabomber!
Blowing people all to hell.
Do you take requests?
Why can't I get this
Stupid computer to print?
Time to buy some stamps.
Manifesto. Oops.
What a giveaway. Next time
No windy essays
Kind of ironic
Hates technology lots but
Has two typewriters
Should I comb my hair
Or should I wear it matted
The judge likes it combed
Remember when you
Laughed at his fake fur parka?
He remembers, too.
"Open your present..."
"No, you open your present..."
Kaczinski Christmas
I was your math prof.
You made fun of my weird ways.
It was all your fault.
It's circumstantial
All that stuff in my cabin
I found it all--yeah
How irritable
I've become, wiping my butt
With leaves and tree bark.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Usoft Bashing O' The Day: There are many reasons for failing.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
From: Chris Wedgwood <chris@f00f.org>
After following a link about yet another security flaw in Microsoft
Internet Exploiter 4.0, I find myself at
http://www.microsoft.com/ie/security/ - and in the right hand column I
see "Take the Security Quiz!".
I think to myself... `I know what a buffer overrun error is, I've even
written code to exploit these -- most people aren't even sure what a
cookie is -- I'll ace this....'
So, I follow the link and end up at
http://www.microsoft.com/ie/security/quiz/default.asp.
I click the "Start Quiz" icon and...
"HTTP/1.0 404 Object Not Found".
Does this mean I automatically fail?
Now as it turns out this quiz only appears to work if you have a Microsoft
browser. I primarily use Netscape (not because I like it, but because MSIE
isn't available for my OS of choice) -- which apparently doesn't work.
When I did try it, using MSIE on a Lose95 machine -- I answer about 4
questions correctly before it stopped working. I could neither go forward
or backward in the quiz. It just stopped.
Obviously, I sleep much better at night knowing Microsoft is hard at work
protecting the world of computers, safe in the knowledge that their capable
staff have my best interests in mind, safe knowing that Microsoft will
protect us form all the bad people on the net.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Well, I can't think why.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: Steve Dekorte <steve@inquisit.com>
Rem Rem. The Danish watch company Rem Rem caused a public outcry over its
ad campaign with a suicide theme. Using the English-language slogan "Why
kill time when you can kill yourself?" the company had distributed
advertising folders variously showing a male model in bed with his wrists
slashed, hanging from a tree, and lying in an amusement park with a bullet
wound in his head. In a statement, Rem Rem said it stopped the campaign
because it "apparently offends."
The "sounds of the swinging 1360s" are presented by another British group,
the Medieval Baebes, who specialize in Latin plainsong and Gregorian
chants. The single from their album Salva Nos (Save Us) is tipped to be
the Christmas No. 1 seller, writes Simon Sebag in The Sunday Times of
London. The group's leader, Exotic Baebe, is a former stripper and the
only singer with formal training. The other group members (with names
such as Dragon, Faerie, Cerebral, Texan and Quantum) are mainly computer
programmers and dental hygienists.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Dec 97 23:38:56 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: What you hear ...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Holzwoman <Holzwoman@aol.com>
What a woman says:
"Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean up.
All your socks are on the floor;
you'll have no clothes at all
if we don't do laundry now!"
What a man hears:
"C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES. blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!"
[And while we're on the subject of Gary Larsen cartoon rewrites...
What the caller says:
"Okay, in this next contradance
there's a balance and swing in the
first A part and a hay in the B part
but not much swinging. The whole
dance has a real flowing feel."
What the band hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, a REEL, blah, blah"
-psl]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: When you can't win for losing.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@dqd.com>
Forwarded-by: EvangeList Digest <owner-evangelist-digest@public.lists.apple.com>
Forwarded-by: EvangeList <evangelist@apple.com>
From: Jeremy <jvillano@earthlink.net>
So it seems that Bill Gates and Scott McNealy were playing a
friendly game of Frisbee on the Gates estate on the shore of
Lake Washington. At one point, Bill accidentally sends the
Frisbee over Scott's head, and the Frisbee lands in the lake.
Scott walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves the
Frisbee.
The next day the newspapers report:
GATES THROW EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
Sun CEO Unable to Swim
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 11:48:34 -0800
From: Dan Weber <danweb@microsoft.com>
Subject: Yucks Submission: Jingle "Gates"
To: "'spaf@cs.purdue.edu'" <spaf>
> <fwds exchanged for something better>
>
> Jingle Gates
> (by Chet Raymo)
>
> 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
> Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
> The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
> As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
>
> The stockings were hung by the modem with care
> In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
> The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
> While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
>
> Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
> And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
> The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
> To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
>
> Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
> Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
> All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
> To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
>
> After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
> St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
> With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
> And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
> From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
> In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
> The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
> Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
>
> No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
> (ahem - pardon me)
> No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
> Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
> With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
> From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
>
> More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
> And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
> "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
> Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
>
> It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
> It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
> Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
> And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
>
> Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
> And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
> To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
> Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
>
> And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
> Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
> When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
> The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
> As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
> The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
> As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
> My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
>
> And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
> Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
> And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
> Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
> and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
>
>
>
>
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------