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Yucks Digest V6 #2 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 31 May 96 Volume 6 : Issue 2
Today's Topics:
administrivia
.... and escaping Zorro-like on my invisible scooter.
... a blissful world suffused in the heady vapors of ADHESIVES.
... from horror to flatulence and back again
... the user might get frustrated enough so as to commit suicide
Anyone hear Rush Limbaugh's tirade against Win95?
AOL Goes Green
Back in the box! Back in the box!
Barbie (fwd)
Canada seeks accordion repairers.
Condimentia
Dear my friends...
E-cigs
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
I'm sure that you speak for all of us, and, no, it won't.
I am the Vampire Lestat
Jerry Garcia stamps
JOTD
MotoSafe Marines
MPROTD (Microsoft Press Release)
Now why can't *I* buy drugs like that?
Oh, to the point.
Or is it merely a coincidence?
People with too much free time.
PJLOTD (Pathetic Job Listing Of The Day)
Quote of the day
Raising Hogs
Reposted by request.
short, and to the point (FYA)
Spawn of Satan?
The ouzo of human kindness.
The Young and the Frequently Hopitalized
Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on the World Wide Web
Windows '95 vs. Jesus -- A Comparison
Yucks readers, read this crefully and discover the hidden message!
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri May 31 23:08:00 EST 1996
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
Yes, it's been a long time since the last issue. I've been
so involved with so many things (and put behind because of the
work on the book) that many things have lapsed. Yucks is one such
lapse.
However, I now hope I can begin to send out some Yucks in a more
timely fashion.
This issue has a number of items accumulated from last year. As you
look at several of these, read the dates and try to remember current
events when they were originally posted -- they may make more sense
that way. It was a time when Windows 95 had not yet been released,
Jerry Garcia became a real member of the Dead, and the world was a
little bit less silly than today.
More soon.
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 17:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: .... and escaping Zorro-like on my invisible scooter.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Excerpted from James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man"
Motorcycles are a leading cause of head injuries, you know. When I told my
parents I was getting one, I heard a sharp CRACK on the other end of the
line - the sound of my mother fainting, and hitting her head on the table.
Helmets, I believe, should be mandatory for all parent whose children tell
them they are buying a motorcycle.
It's not like I'm buying a real motorcycle. What I want is a scooter, a
moped. Something with the horsepower of a blender. My reasons are solid,
logical: scooters get around 73,000 miles per gallon; if you ever run out
of gas, you just spit in the tank and it'll go another hundred miles.
They're cheap to park; some models double as keychains and fit right in
your pocket.
But people just don't see scooters, my friends tell me. At first, I found
this hard to believe. Most scooters are painted either
radioactive-bubblegum-pink or severed-artery-red. Short of maneuvering
alongside an open car window and putting your thumb into a driver's eye,
scooter colors ensure you'll be noticed. Or so I thought. ... Evidently
(scooters) represent the vanguard of Stealth technology. All the more
reason to buy one. If times get tough, I can start holding up convenience
stores and escaping Zorro-like on my invisible scooter.
The only bad part about scooters is buying them. You have to go to a place
that sells Real Motorcycles and admit you want something that goes
"putt-putt."
"There's the Barbie," (the salesman said,) pointing to a pink scooter.
"Top speed of .05 mph. Runs on watch batteries." I said I wanted
something more powerful, and he pointed to a scooter with "MY FIRST HOG"
painted on the gas tank. "Pull this cord here, and it makes real
motorcycle noises. You can pretend to give it oil with this bottle and
nipple here, and half an hour later it wets oil on the garage floor. Very
realistic."
"Something bigger, please."
"How about the EMLC 30? Perfect for a guy like you. Sporty, sexy,
WITH-IT. Not powerful enough to get you in trouble, but peppy enough to
give an illusion of recaptured youth." I said I'd take it.
After I'd signed the papers, I asked him just what EMLC stood for, anyway.
"Early mid-life crisis," he said. Every spring we sell a million of 'em."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... a blissful world suffused in the heady vapors of ADHESIVES.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
THE PEOPLE'S SCREW LIBERATION FRONT MANIFESTO
... which can be found at:
http://orion.it.luc.edu/~pcrowe/pslf.txt
says:
THE PEOPLE'S SCREW LIBERATION FRONT MANIFESTO
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT IS SCREWING YOU and has been ever since WWII.
Isn't it about time you did something about it? After the fall of Berlin,
our nation assumed the role of toughest kid on the block. In order to
maintain that image, the ever growing stockpile of COLD WAR MACHINERY
needed constant servicing and so enormous quotas were imposed upon the
metal fastener industry. According to the Census of Manufacturers, in
1987, 4.8 billion doolars worth of SCREWS AND BOLTS, over 70 billion
pieces, were distributed by the industry. Manuacturing costs totaled over
2.1 billion dollars in materials, services, and fuel. Naturally, most of
their money was made back off of the GENERAL PUBLIC whose hunger for
modern technology is being fed by the current cultural trends which have
undoubtedly been skillfully engineered by the FASCIST/CAPITALISTS who run
the country. We are already dangerously dependent upon tools and
machinery.
Very soon we will be entirely at the mercy of the great industrialists.
The earth's resources are being manipulated not for the benefit of all,
but rather to maintain the ATOMIC SWORD OF DAMOCLES which has dangled over
our heads ever since the bombing of Hiroshima. If, however, we work
together, we can end this TYRANNICAL THREAT forever. Imagine a world
unfettered by lock washers and sheet metal screws, a world of true
freedom, a blissful world suffused in the heady vapors of ADHESIVES. We
could reshape the future with our bare hands and without screwdrivers and
wrenches. No longer would we be limited by the standard thread patterns.
The only tools we need are the ones we were born with, but for now we must
fight fire with fire. We must use their tools as the instrument of their
undoing. If every free-thinking individual would remove just ONE SCREW
A DAY, persistence and patience will inevitably triumph. Before long the
growing demand for replacement screws will undermine the industry. (An
industry already in over its head) By the time the FASCISTS/ CAPITALISTS
realize what is happening it will be too late. Their war machinery will
literally fall apart in their BLOOD-STAINED, MONEY- GRUBBING hands. We
need to act now, though, and we need to infiltrate.
Spread the word that the PEOPLE'S SCREW LIBERATION FRONT is up in
counter clockwise twisting arms!
TELL YOUR FRIENDS... ONE SCREW EVERY DAY.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jul 1995 13:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... from horror to flatulence and back again
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good))
["Jejune" is one of those words that makes me sad that Scrabble
has only one J. -- Craig]
From: rian@dekinai.esd.sgi.com (Rian Schmidt)
BELLE DE JOUR
A film review by Rian Schmidt
Copyright 1995 Rian Schmidt
I have just returned from my fifth viewing of BELLE DE JOUR, and I
am all at once repulsed and disoriented. My arousal is only outweighed
by my melancholy which is, in turn, in a tumultuous yet jejune
dialectic with my own Oedipal introspection.
Allow me to digress. Bunuel's image of a Venusian bourgeoise
masochistic monolith in Deneuve moved me in violent vacillation from
horror to flatulence and back again in a terrifying yet unceasingly
vapid repetition of pseudo-Freudian references to cats and oceans and
lost teeth that was nothing short of brilliant in its nauseating
evocation of intellectual masturbation on a scale not seen since
Tarkovsky. Even now, I feel woozy.
The then 66-year-old surrealist director's ambiguous
juxtapositioning of morbidity and sexuality predated 9-1/2 WEEKS by
many years and yet, astoundingly, exhibits the same directorial latent
homosexuality as its filmatic offspring while maintaining a steady
obfuscating flow of neo-intellectual symbolism which is evocative of
collegial debate in which one participant has the teaching note, but
alas the viewer not only lacks the appropriate preparation but is left
feeling as though they might count themselves among the half of
humanity arbitrarily burdened with an IQ less than 100.
Before the honored reader assumes that the preceding comments are
the harbinger of a condemnation of this erotic classic, this humble
critic must dispel such fallacious (ex post this feeble critic is
self-congratulatory in his avoidance of the Freudian use of
"fellatious" in this context) impressions by pronouncing his
unqualified accolades for Bunuel's work.
This pinheaded, foul-smelling critic feels comfortable in his
assertion that the exalted, nay holy, viewer shall experience the same
elicitation of childhood incestuous desires for same sex siblings and
parents as did this putrid, moronic, pedophilic, maniacal
postal-employee reject of a film critic. In the end, it is Deneuve's
experience as Severine that draws one under the metaphoric dinner table
with a broken bottle and packet of seeds to write a letter to one's own
sadistic carriage driver. "Dear Sir, You may release the cats now. I
have no death for you today."
[Release the cats! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 11:07:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... the user might get frustrated enough so as to commit suicide
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 08:50:05 -0700
For the last two weeks I've been having to run Windows/NT at work
mainly because everyone else that I'm working with is running it. In
doing so, I've been dealing with the PC Support personnel at my company
and since these support people have such a completely different method-
ology for "diagnosing" problems, I thought I'd outline them...
Symptom: Some applications won't come up properly. (MS Word comes to
mind as the main culprit here).
Solution: "That Xwindows gunk causes lots of problems. You shouldn't
run it."
I close the PC Xserver even though it is my only link to
sanity. The problem doesn't go away.
"No, you actually have to reboot because the Xwindows gunk
doesn't release resources".
I do a warm boot. The problem doesn't go away.
"Try power cycling the thing." Now, I understand what
it really means to diagnose something but I have to do
what these guys say because it's the only way I can get
them to admit there's a problem greater than the box
under my desk. Anyhow, the problem still doesn't go
away.
"Ok, reinstall the application."
"I can't. It's on the novell server". I said thinking this
would prompt him to actually *do* something productive.
"Ok, then reinstall Windows/NT."
....And on it goes... Now I understand what I was doing wrong all those
years that I was doing Unix admin work. I was actually trying to *help*
the user. This PC Support methodology works sooooo much better because
the time lag between "first question" and "having to do something" is
gigantic allowing for more games of DOOM and occasionally the user might
get frustrated enough so as to actually commit suicide alleviating the
problem altogether.
I might add that the X-server is the application causing me the least
problems... I'm not sure what that says however...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 1995 12:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Anyone hear Rush Limbaugh's tirade against Win95?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: nevin@CS.Arizona.EDU (Nevin ":-]" Liber)
Forwarded-by: phoward@mizar.usc.edu (Paul Howard)
Found in comp.sys.mac.advocacy:
In article <ckollerDD3tzC.46w@netcom.com>, ckoller@netcom.com (Craig
Koller) wrote:
> Rush Limbaugh's affinity for the Mac is just proof of how good it is.
> Why not put him in an ad with an avowed Liberal and show America the Mac
> is for everyone. As a matter of fact (if I do say this myself) what a
> great advertising idea. Put two opposites in in an ad, both using the
> Mac. You could call it the "Both Sides - One Mac" campaign. It sure
> would be a hell of a lot more interesting than the stuff out there now.
> --
> ckoller@netcom.com
Actually, that sounds quite a little bit like the PowerBook campaign
that's running currently. Something like a two-page spread with Rush on
the right side and Hillary on the left.
"What's on your PowerBook?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hillary Rush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Microsot Excel MS Office 4.2 (bloated and slow)
Recipe for cookies Recipe for Veal Parmesan
Secret Whitewater documents Secret Whitewater documents
Chelsea's homework Script for tomorrow's show
PageMaker Doom
Manuscript for new book Mauscript for new book entitled,
by "Socks" the cat. "Don't Say I Didn't Warn You"
Copy of the 1995 Federal Budget Grocery list
Netscape 1.1N AOL software
MacPGP Conflict Catcher 3
Norton Spin[D[D[D[D Disk Doctor M.Y.O.B. 5.0
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 1995 16:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: AOL Goes Green
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: bickford@cloud9.Eng.Sun.COM (Susan Bickford)
AOL Announces Diskette Buyback!
It seems you can't pick up a magazine or open your mailbox these days
without getting a diskette from America Online. Like most consumers, you
probably have stacks and stacks of them laying around. Well, open your
wallets America! Today AOL announced the first ever nationwide diskette
buyback. Citing concern for the environment and subscriber requests, AOL
said the buyback will begin immediately. Diskettes can be mailed in,
dropped off at local recycling centers, or if you have twenty or more,
AOL will come pick them up.
Most consumers are glad the unused diskettes will be put to good use, but
some are sorry to see them go. "I thought I'd never have to buy another
disk again" said one. "I format 'em as soon as I get 'em." People have
come up with a variety of uses for the extra diskettes, from using them
as coasters on their coffee tables to a lady in Des Moines who claims to
have turned bundled AOL diskettes into brick that is stronger than regular
masonry and insulates better than fiberglass. She eagerly awaits each new
version of the AOL software. "AOL v2.5 was gonna be my ticket to a new
garage," she said.
As usual, behind the AOL coporate goodwill lurks a big business motive -
control of the lucrative floppy diskettes market. AOL feels that with the
impending release of the Windows 95 operating system (bundled with the
rival Microsoft Network), there will be a huge demand for diskettes. By
announcing the buyback at this time, they hope to corner the market before
the big demand hits. "When people install a new operating system, they
are going to want to make sure they've backed up all of their files
beforehand - they'll need diskettes. It's a brilliant move," said an
analyst from the investment brokers Dewie, Cheatum, and Howe.
So how much can you get for your AOL diskettes? "We'll spend whatever it
takes," said AOL Services Co. President Ted Heonsus. "We plan to buy back
literally tens of millions of them." But not everyone is as giddy about
the buyback as Heonsus. Officials at Microsoft are hoping to slow AOL
down, charging that they will monopolize the market and be in violation
of anti-trust laws when the buyback begins. When asked about possible
pre-emptive legal action to be taken against AOL, a Microsoft spokesperson
said they had tried to contact the Justice Department, but no one would
return their calls.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 1995 12:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Back in the box! Back in the box!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
Forwarded-by: Richard Harris <rolf@sequent.com>
>From Client Server News:
A cat, a rabbit and a bug are talking about how badly people treat them:
"They use cat gut to make music," meows the pussy.
"They cut off our feet for luck," twitches the bunny.
"I guess we don't have it bad after all," reasons the bug, "they just
stuff us into boxes in Redmond."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 95 9:40:16 CDT
From: Audrone Matutis <matutia@ssax.com>
Subject: Barbie (fwd)
To: spaf
Forwarded message:
> From: ford@npr.legent.com (Karen Ford)
> Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 09:04:03 -0500 (CDT)
>
> Forwarded message:
>> From othello@iac.net Mon May 1 08:52:06 1995
>> Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 09:49:38 -0400 (EDT)
>> From: "Amy L. Ward" <othello@iac.net>
>>
>> Boob Tube Barbie - by Greg Spring
>> >From the LA Times Magazine
>> Reprinted w/o permission
>>
>> The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
>> joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
>> both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins,
>> Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
>>
>> If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
>> follow. Some possibilities:
>>
>> Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
>> where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
>> include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.
>>
>> Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
>> important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
>> take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
>>
>> America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
>> against feminism.
>>
>> Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
>> Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
>> Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's
>> clothes.
>>
>> My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
>> teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools and ponies.
>>
>> Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with
>> this doll, whic shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
>> school, married too young and ate too much.
>>
>> Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
>> (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
>> disappear.
>>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Canada seeks accordion repairers.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From the "Detailed General Occupations List for Immigration to Canada" at:
http://www.abdn.ac.uk/~opt018/Immigration/Occupation.html
DETAILED GENERAL OCCUPATIONS LIST for Immigration to Canada
Detailed General Occupations List for Immigration to Canada
This list was issued 23 August 1993 and it is the current one.
To receive a paper copy of the most recent (August 23, 1993) General
Occupations List, call the Public Enquiries Centre, Immigration Canada,
Hull, Quebec, at (819) 994-6313 and ask for a copy.
"To the best of my knowledge there are no plans to change the list in the
near future. (5 Feb 1995 19:23:03 GMT)"
----- Donald S. Cameron, Consul & Immigration Program Manager, Canadian
Consulate General, 500 Plaza 600, Seattle WA 98101-1286
* The first number after the occupational title is the number of
occupation factor points
* and the second number is the number of SVP factor points.
CCDO Occupational Title
Code
8599-226 accordion repairer 1 15
1171-114 accountant 3 18
1171-118 accountant, budget 3 18
1171-122 accountant, cost 3 18
1171-126 accountant, machine processing 3 18
1171-130 accountant, property3 18
1171-134 accountant, tax 3 18
2113-110 acoustics physicist 1 18
1176-138 acreage-quota-assignment officer 5 11
2181-118 actuary 1 18
...
[Accordian repairer? ]
------------------------------
Date: 10 Jul 1995 14:44:17 GMT
From: marv@arca.md.com (Marv Schaefer)
Subject: Condimentia
To: rgb@tarius.tycho.ncsc.mil
Larry Halme sent me the following Cul-i-nary report:
I refuse to make a self-serve condiment bar joke...
---------- Forwarded message ----------
DOBBIGAN (YURO COUNTY) May 28 (UPX)--Yuro County officials have closed
a Mexican restaurant at a retreat operated by the California- based
Church of the ABC of Abraham, after a thorough inspection of the
restaurant revealed a bizarre violation of the state Health and Safety
Code. Restaurante "La Cucaracha" ("The Cockroach") served gourmet
Mexican food to church members and tourists visiting the sect's rural
Yuro County spiritual retreat until Sunday, when health inspectors
ordered the facility closed.
The retreat, originally known as the Cluny Bin Ranch, later the Coney
Island Monastery, was recently redubbed "Priapus" by its founder in a
gesture of tribute to the ancient Greco-Roman god of male generative
power.
The Yuro County Health Department, in its official statement, cited
its principal reason for shutting down the restaurant the fact that
"semen is not a food and cannot legally be served as a condiment in
restaurants in California." Members of the Priapus community believe
their Leader's semen to be a sacrament, the consumption of which
magically links the astral bodies of the group's membership and
ensures group unity through the difficult reincarnation process.
"The condiment was not available to non-members and thus posed no
threat to the community," said the group's lawyer, Avramel
Gittleson. "Members are entitled to consume the condiment as a
religious sacrament, under the first amendment as well as the
Religious Freedom Act of 1993." But county officials have a different
view. "We've had complaints from several former members and their
guests who were served meals without full disclosure," said County
Health Commissioner Mark Everett.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 1995 19:09:28 GMT
From: David Thomas <dthomas@basis.com>
Subject: Dear my friends...
To: spaf
I found this yuck on alt.pantyhose.
From: fujimura@po.infosphere.or.jp (Performa ÉÜÅ[ÉU)
Newsgroups: alt.pantyhose
Subject: Dear my friends
Date: 15 Aug 1995 05:53:23 GMT
Organization: Fuji co. ltd.
Hi.
I am host the pantyhose fetish club in JAPAN.
We love pantyhose, uniturd and mask.
Offline party will open 26/Aug. in Tokyo.
We will report prgress of the party.
I want to send letter from persons interested in the same subject
in all over the world.
Sincerly from Marcy.
[Alt.panthose?? Uniturd? I really don't want to know... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 16:48:23 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: E-cigs
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
|ELECTRIC CIGARETTES
|A review of U.S. patent filings recently revealed one granted to Philip
|Morris for a battery-powered, microchip-controlled, pressure-sensitive
|cigarette -- a response to the debate currently raging over second-hand
|smoke. By pressing the lips against the tip, the would-be "smoker" receives
|a burst of tobacco gases, straight into the mouth, leaving the surrounding
|atmosphere unsullied...
Right!
Do they just hold their breath til they've absorbed every particle
of smoke into their bloodstream, or die - which sullies things a bit
but far less than the amount of smoke they'd have produced if they'd
lived?
Or perhaps the "burst of tobacco gases" is at high enough speed that
it's injected *straight into the bloodstream*! What a *great* idea!
Of course, one wonders how they manage not to form gas bubbles in
the blood - I hear that's a bit rough on the brain.
Or maybe they just wear little smoke filters in their noses. But
anything that can filter the air that well in the nostrils will also
greatly restrict flow. Unfortunately, rather than just quietly
dying of oxygen deprivation, they'd probably just all become mouth
breathers, and we'd be back where we started, only with mouth
breathers.
All of these offer one distinct advantage - they all have the same
likely conclusion. "Where there are no smokers, there is no smoke.
Where there is no smoke, there is no second hand smoke." Personally,
I can live with that.
But what has caused this sudden change of heart in Philip Morris
strategy? Have they found a government program that pays them not
to sell cigarettes, so they want to "clean up", as it were? Has
it been taken over by ecoterrorists?
Perhaps it's been infiltrated (sic) by CIA agents who think they
have conclusively proven a link between smoking and communism?
Or it's just the Aliens (vegans & martians not included) among us.
At any rate, I'm all for it. I'm sending off for some samples for
a few acquaintances.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 13:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Today's quote is from _Rats, Lice and History_ by Hans Zinsser:
[The louse] lives, blissfully irresponsible, like the Polynesians before
the advent of Captain Cook, roaming on the land of plenty, where nature
provides warmth, shelter, the odors he loves best, copses for love, and
secure undergrowth to which his chosen mate can attach her nest. [But]
in one important respect, this accusation of Rousseauism is not entirely
just to the louse. Though in his other appetites leading an apparently
effortless and licentious existence, his sexual arrangements are uniquely
wise. Nature has provided that the nymph -- that is, what may be called
the high-school or flapper age of the louse -- is not yet possessed of
sexual organs. These do not appear until the fully adult form develops,
and reproduction is thus postponed until a responsible age is reached.
Adolescent Bohemianism, "living oneself out," "self-expression," and so
forth, never get beyond the D.H. Lawrence stage among the younger set.
How much physical and moral confusion could be avoided if a similar
arrangement among us could postpone sexual maturity until stimulated by
and internal secretion form the fully established intellectual and moral
convolutions of the brain! The loss of copy this would entail for Theodore
Dreiser, William Faulkner, Ernest Hemingway, and others would be amply
compensated for by gains in other directions.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 1995 13:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'm sure that you speak for all of us, and, no, it won't.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Cliff Young <cyoung@eecs.harvard.edu>
This is from Internet-BOB, a mailing list of bicycling retro-grouches:
********************
* Pain in the Butt *
********************
+ This article originally came from the Newport News Daily Press. +
Back in 1991 Joyce Caudle decided to take off a few pounds of excess
weight, and so she purchased a stationary exercise bicycle to aid in
her endeavor. The bicycle worked very well in helping her to reduce
her weight from 264 pounds down to her 2-10-94 weight of 219 pounds.
The problem is that Caudle did not experience weight reduction while
pedaling the bike; instead, as she was riding it, the steel support
broke thorough the seat and ripped out her rectum and intestines.
(I'm sure that I speak for all of us when I say "OUCH"!!)
For those whom are still cringing it may set your minds at ease to know
that Caudle sued the retail company who sold her the bicycle and won an
out-of-court settlement for an undisclosed sum.
[I was thinking of some way to lose weight, but I'll pass on this one.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 13 Aug 1995 21:10:05 -0400
From: cjolley@iac.net (Carl Jolley)
Subject: I am the Vampire Lestat
Newsgroups: alt.security
Vikram Kumar Khare (vkhare@tiger.lsu.edu) wrote:
: And you're _NOT_! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
: WoooHOOO!
: Guten Nacht,
: _Vikram
: --
: Will Work For Fnord
Could you assist me in tapping into some thicknet ethernet cable?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 1995 11:07:41 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Jerry Garcia stamps
To: spaf
Now that Jerry's dead, the US Post Office plans to issue a series of
commerative stamps in denominations of 32, 50, and 100 micrograms.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 1995 15:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Yesterday the Senate ruled that the Packwood hearings will
not be held in public... Out of habit, Packwood suggested,
"We could go back to my place."
-- Conan O'Brien
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 1995 00:11:05 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: MotoSafe Marines
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
In this month's "Motorcyclist" magazine, a U.S. Marine whose task is
guarding the U.S. Embassy in Sri Lanka, a man trained to fight and
kill terrorists, to suspect everyone around him, writes that he has
been forbidden by his C.O. to ride a motorcycle because they are "too
dangerous".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 95 18:14:08 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: MPROTD (Microsoft Press Release)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)
**** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ****
Microsoft To Take Over Money
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia
Mint from the United States government. Final details of the
transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session
which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four
unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with
the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The
Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all
operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft
spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of
the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called
simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US
currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US
Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that
this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of
the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk
compression as only two examples.
Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his
grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated
that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult "for
the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft
in ever increasing amounts." "This (acquisition) will make it
unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the
challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued
Gates.
Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major
ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for
Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering
event in the history of the world, without question." Brian
Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee
got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would
dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would
"all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money
is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary
Clinton was not available for comment.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 1995 11:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Now why can't *I* buy drugs like that?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: bc@pixar.com (Bill Carson)
From: avsystem@rain.org (Adrian Vance)
Newsgroups: alt.inventors
Subject: New Invention!
Date: 9 Aug 1995 14:22:42 GMT
RectoLux(tm)
Bjarne Bjerko, world renowned Swedish physiologist,
has announced an invention that will revolutionize
medicine; "RectoLux(tm)."
For many years leading internists have wondered the
hazards of organs bumping continually in darkness.
Add to this the observation people who spend many
hours in sunlight are healthier, sexier and funkier
and the two evidentiary vectors point in the same
direction! Thus:
Dr. Bjerko invented RectoLux(tm) in 1982 after a
long bout with constipation. Fittingly, the solu-
tion came to him in a Scandinavian outhouse during
a bitterly cold winter in Stockholm. In a blinding
moment of elimination, wind-breaking and creation
Dr. Bjerko made his contributions to earth, air and
invention in what has been called by his peers,
"The fart heard round the world!"
RectoLux(tm) consists of a "beanie" with 1,000
hair-thin fiber optic strands gathered into a cable
conducting light down the back and into the rectum.
It has been crudely called "a light enema."
No longer are organs bumping viscera blindly. One
can only imagine innards saying "I feel your pain!"
in a great wave of healing and political correct-
ness. Now the Birkenstock, bottled water bunch can
add to their list of "PC" stuff the RectoLux(tm) a
revelationary apparatus for the 90's.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 1995 08:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Oh, to the point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[This was posted about the time someone hacked the WWW site at MGM
for the movie. Droll hack. Funnier posting. --spaf]
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 95 00:36:53 BST
From: Jack Devlin <devlin@ma.man.ac.uk>
To: dc-announce@fc.net
Hah. You fools installed Gatekeeper, thinking it would protect you from
the more evil denizens of cyberspace. But no. We, The Praetorians, have
been forced to prove our worth to the lesser mortals at MGM/UA.
They ignored our screenplay for the movie 'Praetorians', choosing instead
to call it 'Hackers' and base it upon some adolescent compulsive
masturbators who hold not one-tenth of our supreme skills in their puny
hands. Regrettably I was forced to fake my death at the hands of Sandra
Bullock, but now I have wreaked revenge upon those who doubted my
technique (which, incidentally, is very good) as an independant
contractor for the Internet Liberation Front (ILF). While they offer no
medical or dental insurance schemes, they supply me with the neccessary
ub3rt00lz to bust root on your puny boxes. GreatCircle, I urinate upon
your firewall. Sidewinder, I defecate in your general direction.
Oh, to the point. To prove to the movie-going chimps that my technique
is supremely advanced, I have taken cybercontrol of MGM/UA's so called
'home-page' for the 'movie' (and I use the term loosely) HACKERS, a
cinematic abortion riding the wave of cyberriffic techno-thriller
uber-gen-x flicks.
http://www.digiplanet.com/hackers/index.html
Point your puny webtools in this direction for confirmation of my k-rad
ubertechnique(tm). Beware, this is only the beginning...
Jack Devlin, ex-Praetorian, current ILF contractor.
---End of transmission---
"ubertechnique" is a registered trademark of Tsutomo Shimomura. All
Rights Reserved.
Cyberrights now.
Death to Exon.
Free Mitnick.
[I keep seeing these "Free Mitnick" notices. Does that mean everyone
can have as much as they want without paying for it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 18:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Or is it merely a coincidence?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: tom@ssd.csd.harris.com (Tom Horsley)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.nt.misc
It's August, and two new consumer products are becoming generally
available for the first time this month:
* Windows 95 - the new operating system from Microsoft
* Tagamet - the (formerly prescription) heartburn & ulcer drug
Is this timing only a coincidence? You decide...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:03:51 PDT
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: People with too much free time.
To: spaf
From: acb@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au (Andrew C Bulhak)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.postscript,alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: Obfuscated PS Contest and PS raytracer?
Date: 3 Jun 1995 11:01:38 GMT
Lon Stowell (lstowell@pyrnova.mis.pyramid.com) wrote:
: In article <3qhu9j$lfi@harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au> acb@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au (Andrew C Bulhak) writes:
: >
: >I have heard that there is an Obfuscated PostScript Contest, analogous
: >to the Obfuscated C Contest.
: That would be as self-redundant a contest as could possibly be
: thought up. Kinda like a slutty Madonna look-alike contest.
Ahh, but the obfuscation has to be done with style. Reams and reams
of redundant prologues and inconcise machine-generated moveto/lineto
sequences don't get many points. For example, compare the following
code:
%!OPS-1.0 %%Creator: HAYAKAWA,Takashi<h-takasi@isea.is.titech.ac.jp>
/A/copy/p/floor/q/gt/S/add/n/exch/i/index/J/ifelse/r/roll/w/div/H{{loop}stopped
Y}def/t/and/C/neg/T/dup/h/exp/Y/pop/d/mul/s/cvi/e/sqrt/R/rlineto{load def}H 300
T translate(V2L&1i2A00053r45hNvQXz&vUX&UOvQXzFJ!FJ!J!O&Y43d9rE3IaN96r63rvx2dcaN
G&140N7!U&4C577d7!z&&93r6IQO2Z4o3AQYaNlxS2w!!f&nY9wn7wpSps1t1S!D&cjS5o32rS4oS3o
Z&blxC1SdC9n5dh!I&3STinTinTinY!B&V0R0VRVC0R!N&3A3Axe1nwc!l&993dC99Cc96raN!a&1CD
E&YYY!F&&vGYx4oGbxSd0nq&3IGbxSGY4Ixwca3AlvvUkbQkdbGYx4ofwnw!&vlx2w13wSb8Z4wS!J!
c&j1idj2id42rd!X&4I3Ax52r8Ia3A3Ax65rTdCS4iw5o5IxnwTTd32rCST0q&eCST0q&D1!&EYE0!J
&EYEY0!J0q!x&jd5o32rd4odSS!K&WCVW!Q&31C85d4!k&X&E9!&1!J!v&6A!b&7o!o&1r!j&43r!W)
{( )T 0 4 3 r put T(/)q{T(9)q{cvn}{s}J}{($)q{[}{]}J}J cvx}forall 270{def}H
K{K{L setgray moveto B fill}for Y}for showpage
to your typical MS Word-generated PostScript. You'll notice that the latter
is sloppy and redundant, whereas the former is ingeniously compact. It also
uses all sorts of remarkably hairy techniques to achieve conciseness (such
as using the stopped operator's error-suppressing properties to reduce down
the stack). PostScript leaves orders of magnitude more opportunity for
creative obfuscation than C.
(The above code is, would you believe, a complete raytracer. It is, in fact,
the code I asked about before in these groups. I have partly disassembled
it, and can confirm that it is a raytracer.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 95 18:12:39 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: PJLOTD (Pathetic Job Listing Of The Day)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.berkeley.edu (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmcd@lucien.berkeley.edu
SOUTHEAST MISSOURI STATE UNIVERSITY
Cape Girardeau, Missouri 63701
(314) 651-2000
Enclosed is an announcement of a tenure-track position in philosophy at the
rank of assistant professor. We hope to fill this position rapidly; the
target date for our final decision is June 13. We are more interested in
looking at candidates with real teaching experience than in newly minted
Ph.D's, who might have unrealistic expectations about the possibilities for
academic growth at an institution such as ours. Southeast Missouri State
University is a regional university which serves students in the southeast
portion of the state including St. Louis. Our students tend to be poorly
prepared for college level work, intellectually passive, interested
primarily in partying, and culturally provincial in the extreme. We offer
a major in philosophy. but do not usually have more than two students
officially declared as majors at any given time.
There are a few good students, however, and we are proud to say that our
current graduating major, William Knorpp, won the 1985 Analysis competition
and will be undertaking graduate study in philosophy at the University of
North Carolina Chapel Hill next year. Mr. Knorpp 's upper level work was
mainly accomplished through independent tutorials; and pros-pective
candidate must understand that there will be virtually no opportunity to
teach upper-division seminars in philosophy. We also offer a religious
studies minor; most of the students who declare this minor are shocked to
learn that Moses might not have written the Pentateuch and regard higher
criticism as secular humanist propaganda. The 12 hrs/semester teaching
load is devoted mainly to general education courses at the
freshman/sophomore level. In another five years, if the general education
curriculum is revised as promised, there may be seminars which are to
"capstone' the G.E. program.
The academic environment at SEMO is distinctly non-intellectual-somewhat
like a Norman Rockwell painting--and the candidate cannot expect to attract
students by offering courses that assume innate curiosity about ideas and
books, or intellectual playfulness, or independence of moral and political
thought. Nevertheless. in order to earn promotion and tenure it is
necessary to be involved in curriculum development and to sustain an
interest in research and publication. It has occurred to me that the best
candidate would be some-one who has held the Ph.D. for more than two years,
has taught at a community college or a rural state institution, and who
would like to continue in some-what the same vein but at a slightly higher
level.I will be interviewing at the Central Division Meetings in St. Louis.
If you have an questions, you may call me at my office (314-651-2186).
Sincerely, Dennis Holt, Chairman, Department of Philosophy
[I wonder if they filled the position? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
Submitted by: stagmier@ntmtv.com
Mar. 15, 1995
[Has anyone seen Brooke and Dan Quayle together? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 15:44:00 -0600
From: A contributor
Subject: Raising Hogs
To: spaf
After attending FarmFest 95 last week and listening to the exciting news
in hog odor management, I thought I'd send out the following letter sent
to me by Marcus Johns at the University of Manitoba.
---------------------------------------
Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, DC
Dear Mr. Secretary,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar
government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not
raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what
is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed
of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor
in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks but if this is not a good breed to raise, then I would just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part
of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on
them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got
your check for not raising any.
If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two
thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on
a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs
not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year.
Now, another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten
thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising and wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to
raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a
good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please
send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits
and food stamps.
Patriotically Yours,
I. M. Cheap
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 15:03:52 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Reposted by request.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Geoffrey S. Knauth" <gsk@marble.com>
>From: Tom Schuneman <elf@harlequin.com>
>
> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM; To: Jim; From: Jodi
>
> If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me know your selection
> by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
>
> --Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with rice pilaf
> --Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked potato
> --Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
> with rice pilaf
> OR
> --Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a light garlic
> & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with fresh brocolli
>
> Thanks! Jodi
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to
order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead
it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I don't want
anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken Fresco". In
fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me doing so. I
want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by God, served with
flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of
a cow on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this
wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want
several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want that
tablecloth to be so soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for
rags. I want a meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want
someone to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry.
I want some of us to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've
passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several
people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a disciplinary
memo sent down from the director's office in the wake of all this. I want
the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two
years. I want to generate gossip. I want media coverage. I want arrests.
I want some careers to be launched and others destroyed. I want this
luncheon to divide time into a before and an after. Despite her acute
embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't
have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
[Hmm, sounds like the letter writer attended one of the parties I
threw when I was a student. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 14:18:03 EST
From: David L Stevens <dls@alecto.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: short, and to the point (FYA)
To: bob
> Article: 44594 of comp.protocols.tcp-ip
> From: danfin@dayton.net (Daniel Finn)
> Newsgroups: comp.protocols.tcp-ip
> Subject: Re: TEST
> Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 14:26:25 GMT
> Organization: Lockheed Martin Technical Services Group
>
> Lev Tannen <lev.tannen@intelsat.int> wrote:
>
> >TEST
>
> FLAME
>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 17:54:18 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spawn of Satan?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: skip@igc.apc.org (Skip Vogt)
Keywords: smirk, television
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 95 19:30:03 EST
Someone earlier suggested a striking similarity between Rush
Limbaugh and television wrestlers. On my cable system, however,
Rush occupies the slot next to Barney and, while channel surfing
recently, I began to notice the similarity between the two. For
comparison's sake:
Barney Rush
------ ----
Large clumsy YES YES
animal?
Garish, tight- YES YES
fitting clothes?
Oversized head YES YES
and oversized rump?
Stupid, repeti- "I love you "I hate Bill
tious song that You love me... I hate Hillary
is repeated ad
nauseam?
Idiotic plastic YES YES
grin no matter
what he's saying?
Beloved by some YES YES
but hated by
others?
Appeals mostly to YES YES
those of limited
ability to think
for themselves?
Makes more money YES YES
than is warranted
by talent?
Spawn of Satan? Some say yes Some say yes
I think the evidence is clear!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The ouzo of human kindness.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
Forwarded-by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike.Andrews)
Forwarded-by: mvassar@netline.net (Mike Vassar)
From: boutell@netcom.com (Thomas Boutell)
Subject: ABOI:General Protection Fault
Modern solid-state computers are wonderful things.
As we all know, integrated circuits don't move. This is what makes modern
computers so stable.
However, it's not quite accurate. While their movement is imperceptible
to the human eye, silicon chips do move, very, very slowly.
As the CPU grinds northward at a rate of several microns per day, it comes
into conflict with the SIMM modules, which are travelling southwest at a
similar rate. This phenomenon is known as the General Protection Fault,
and holds true in both the northern and the southern hemisphere. You can
verify this by pouring several gallons of bathwater into your CPU case
and observing that it spirals out through the power supply exhaust fan in
a clockwise direction, but I wouldn't recommend it. Unless the power is
turned on, of course.
Eventually, when a program not designed "up to code" is executed, the
tension built up between the SIMM modules and the CPU becomes so great
that it must be released. At this point, one of two things will happen:
If you're using a Macintosh, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, nothing
will happen. This is why Macintosh users are under the mistaken impression
that their computers are more stable than Windows machines.
However, the other one time in a hundred, your CPU will explode, producing
a large quantity of beach sand with various dangerous impurities, or, as
it is more commonly known, the usual kind of beach sand.
Microsoft Windows, on the other hand, being highly advanced, is capable
of detecting the condition and warning you before it is too late. Bravely
displaying its "General Protection Fault" dialog box, Windows will
terminate the offending program, allowing you to play Minesweeper for five
or ten more seconds before it spontaneously reboots or simply locks solid,
ensuring that your system will not be threatened further. That's the kind
of sophisticated, quality software Microsoft Windows is.
-T
--
The ouzo of human kindness.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Young and the Frequently Hopitalized
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: carolyn meinel <cmeinel@unm.edu>
The Young and the Frequently Hospitalized
(A Soap Opera)
(Scene opens with newlyweds Ana and Jason cutting the wedding cake
in the midst of happy, cheerful wedding reception. Marian sees
Derek slip through a side door and follows. They are in a small,
dim room. Derek is facing away from the door, jaw clenched, when
Marian walks in. He turns to face her)
Marian: (Beseechingly) Derek, I saw the look on your face at Ana's
wedding. You're still in love with her, aren't you.
Derek: Yes, I've loved Ana since the day we met at the scene of
Jo's car wreck. Even after she jilted me in Jamaica, I could think
no ill of her.
Marian: Even when we thought she had drowned to death in that
hurricane, you never gave up hope.
Derek: Yes, and I'll never forget the day after she was on that
hijacked plane, when she told me that she realized that she was in
love with Jason.
Marian: You had a nervous breakdown when you heard that, didn't
you. (little smile)
Derek: Well, you ran away and got involved in that drug ring when
your boyfriend told you he was the one who got your best friend
pregnant. (Big smile)
Marian: I was only thirteen then.
Derek: And now -- now you're a beautiful, beautiful young woman...
(stops and stares at Marian for a long moment.)
Marian: Derek, what's wrong?
Derek: Marian, my little autumn blossom, I love more than ever I
loved Ana, or Victoria, or Trish, or... well, I love you more than
anyone else in the whole, big, round, spinning world.
Marian: (Stands there with mouth open for long fade out.) (Cut to
still of diapers.)
Narrator: The Young and the Frequently Hospitalized is brought to
you by... Soakers, the diaper used by mothers who care.
(by Valerie Henson, 1/15/95)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on the World Wide Web
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@irc.one.net>
From: pearl@spectacle.sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl)
Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web
10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see
"Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.
8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance
when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day"
on your wedding day.
6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.
5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on
a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that
separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death,
and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again
and again and again.
3. Your dog has his own webpage.
2. So does your hamster.
And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:
1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click
on the underlined passages.
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Date: Mon, 07 Aug 1995 14:32:37 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@austin.ibm.com>
Subject: Windows '95 vs. Jesus -- A Comparison
To: spaf
[A Slew of Forwards deleted]
Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus
of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows 95
- --------------------------------------+--------------------------
Said, "Surely I come quickly." | Has been promised "any day
now."
Is taking a lot longer to actually | Is taking a lot longer to
arrive actually arrive.
Can walk on water. | Can crawl on a 486.
Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.| Will be used to judge Bill
Gates.
Bible says, "In Him, all things are | Windows 95 doesn't even
possible." run all possible Windows
apps.
Started life as a carpenter. | Turns perfectly good
computers into furniture.
Born in a manger. | Resembles something found
in a barn.
Remembered for protecting the weak. | Has weak memory
protection.
Was raised from the dead. | Was created from Windows
3.1.
Jesus performed great works for | Windows 95 multitasking
the multitudes performance barely works.
Jesus has no sin. | Windows 95 has no shame.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Apr 1995 14:15:10 -0700
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@chromatic.com>
Subject: Yucks readers, read this crefully and discover the hidden message!
To: spaf <spaf>
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Subject: Good to Know.
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
Found in comp.infosystems.www.misc
> i have just received SHOCKING NEWS from an ANONYMOUS SOURCE.
>
> l. ron hubbard, it is rumored, after a WILD COCAINE ORGY and
> MULTIPLE HUMAN SACRIFICES, met with MEN IN BLACK purported to
> have been hired by AMWAY to pursue their nefarious ends. after
> the CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY decided to pursue WORLD DOMINATION by
> hiding SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES in AMWAY PRODUCTS, they decided to
> BRANCH OUT with NUMEROUS other TENTACLES OF EVIL!
>
> yea, verily was it that they decided to form AOL.
>
> one will NOTE, if one is WISE, the NUMEROLOGICAL SIGNIFICANCE
> of the LETTERS. yea, verily they are 1 15 12!
>
> 1 + 15 + 12 = 28. when 2 and 8 are ADDED TOGETHER they
> prove to be TEN, the number of fingers on both hands.
>
> when MULTIPLIED they produce 180. 1 + 8 + 0 = 9
>
> NINE is three THREES! surely the evil is obvious, and
> A HEX has been THROWN ON THEIR INFERNAL DOMAINS!
>
> therefore, it has been PROVEN CONCLUSIVELY that America
> Online, Netcom, the Church of Scientology, Steven Boursy,
> Joel Furr, and yea, even the mighty GENE SPAFFORD himself
> are linked in an unholy union with the ALUMINUM BAVARIATI
> and the UFO cover-up MEN IN BLACK, together with the
> Rothschild bankers, the Rosicrucians and the Weathermen
> to TURN THE NATION INTO AN ORGY OF DRUGS and SATANIC VIOLENCE!
>
> please FREELY DISSEMINATE this VALUABLE information!
>
> saint henry the obdurrate
------- End of Forwarded Message
[Gadzooks! I've been found out! --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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