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Yucks Digest V3 #6 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 15 Feb 93 Volume 3 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
"big rig" irony
(n@Nd0) Subgenius Digest V4 #21
[yucks] fan mail from some flounder
ad maioram gloriam Hooverum
a freudean slip.....????
a quiet departure
Bible belt broadcast bungle
chicken sexing
comp.soft-sys.matlab
cutie
Don't believe I'd want this job
Elvis Lives
from subgenius via desperado
Hi
HUMOR: Grammatically correct C declarations. Cute.
it was a trick question karl, coventry city have never won the fa cup
Job Security for Tech Writers
Misprint of the Month
NEWS: The Coming Crisis
Our Mentors Among Us
product help desk
REVIEW: DAMAGE
Shaving legs
so...
Software pirates caught in the act (2 msgs)
The top 10 courses for athletes at SMU
What I saw on the bulletin board
Why I love Indiana, vol. 3
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 02 Feb 1993 22:45:55 -0500
From: sdo (Shawn Ostermann)
Subject: "big rig" irony
To: spaf
I ran across the following while wading through 'misc.jobs.offered'.
Now, mind you, I've got nothing against 'truckers', but if they read
net-news from their cabs hammerin' down the interstate at 80 MPH,
we've got WORSE problems on our hands than cellular phone tumors!
I wonder if a guy could could pulled over by the cops for violating
accepted standards of netiquette? Will there be a law against flaming
policemen?? What about cross posting within city limits???
------- Forwarded Message
From: occ@msen.com (Online Career Ctr)
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
Subject: Over-the-Road Truck Drivers/Hill-Rom/CA
Date: 2 Feb 1993 19:46:32 GMT
Hill-Rom, a leader in healthcare capital equipment, is
seeking two self-motivated, professional, over-the-road truck
drivers to conduct our warehouse operations located in the Los
Angeles area.
Primary responsibility will be to deliver and unload
equipment and furniture to hospitals throughout California.
The successful candidates must have a minimum of 2 years
over-the-road tractor-trailer driving experience, a current valid
commercial motor vehicle operators license, and be able to pass a
supervised driving test. You must be 21 years of age or older to
apply and be willing to work 45 to 50 hours per week away from
home. Any employment offer will be contingent upon passing a DOT
physical.
Send your resume or work history to Gary Moeller, Hill-Rom
Company, State Road 46 East, Batesville, Indiana 47006.
We offer comprehensive company paid benefits and a
competitive wage rate. An Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/D/V.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Feb 93 00:04:47 EST
From: strick@osc.versant.com
Subject: (n@Nd0) Subgenius Digest V4 #21
To: eniac
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 93 21:31:06 MST
From: eiverson@nmsu.edu
Subject: Oh those wacky frat boys
'Explosive liquid' not crystal clear to NMSU fraternity brothers
Las Cruces Sun News, Friday, Feb 5, 1993
Some New Mexico State University fraternity brothers attempted
to blow up bottles of a clear liquid by throwing them off the roof of
a two-story building at 1804 Wyoming Wednesday, police said.
When the liquid would not blow up, they tried putting
firecrackers in the bottles to ignite the liquid -- that didn't work
either, said State Police Capt. John McAninch, commander of the Las
Cruces District.
The problem was the clear liquid was Crystal Pepsi, the new
form of Pepsi Cola, he said.
Although the liquid was in clearly marked bottles, McAninch
said the students told him they didn't know what it was.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 93 19:55:50 +0600 (ALM)
From: victor@engin.ash.alma-ata.su (Stytsenko Victor P.)
Subject: [yucks] fan mail from some flounder
To: root@network.ucsd.edu, root@cc.edu, root@cmu.edu, root@cwi.com,
Dear sirs!
We are delighted to take the opportunity to say 'Good morning'
and wish good health and prosperity to You.
Will You be so kind to let us have the full list of Your domain
users /full name and E-mail address/.
This list help us to present the programm of Governmental and
business circles to users of Your domain.
We also will be very grateful to You if You could let us know
whether You support the permanent newsgrous of Your server and
command list of subscription.
Best regards,
Victor Stytsenko,
President "VSC, LTD"
[Please to also send us your root password. Thank you. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 93 09:34:03 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: ad maioram gloriam Hooverum
To: eniac
> Priests using croutons instead of unleavened
> bread for communion
Conservatives in my (Episcopal) parish felt that
a similar change that had occured here was a
problem, but adopted a less humorless remedy than
complaining to the Bishop. In the rash of 'let's
pretend we had Vatican II in *our* church' changes
that rippled through in the 1970s, the local church
began having members of the congregation bake and
bring bread to church for use at the altar. Some of
the fussier conservatives had a problem with this,
particularly when your more crumb-productive,
texture-y bread recipes were used by granola Episcopal
bakers, resulting in a cascade of consecrated orts
when the bread was broken.
One of the fussbudgets began the practice of
silently genuflecting to the church vacuum cleaner
every time he passed it.
The practice spread, and communion wafers were
reinstituted.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1993 14:26:33 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: a freudean slip.....????
To: spaf
***********************************************
* Subject: NEWS: LAWS: sorority house = brothel?
* From: n9110536@henson.cc.wwu.edu (W. Douglas West)
* Organization: Western Washington University
* Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1993 17:55:59 GMT
In article <1993Feb1.165029.22329@sol.ctr.columbia.edu> zarthac@cs1.bradley.edu writes:
>Christopher R. Dunlea (crdunlea@rodan.acs.syr.EDU) wrote:
>: In article <1993Jan28.210358.3016@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu> naraht@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu (Randolph J. Finder) writes:
>: >I am looking for specific examples of states where laws said
>: >that a certain number of women (unrelated) in a house made it fall
>: >under the laws for brothels (whore-houses) and thus made sororities
>: >either form as officially fraternities or kept and/or keep sororities from
>: >having sorority houses the way that men had fraternity houses.
>: >
>: My finance (a Phi Mu) told me that when PhM was established in the mid-
>
>What's a finance? Is that like a fiancee?
>--
>zarthac@cs1
Yes. It's a fiancee that pays your bills! ;-)
[I hope she doesn't pay with bags of quarters... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Feb 93 19:30:05 EST
From: slosser@mindseye.berkeley.edu (Eric Slosser)
Subject: a quiet departure
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
------------------------------
Date: [recent but mangled]
From: Peter J. Scott <pjs@euclid.Jpl.Nasa.Gov>
Subject: Bible belt broadcast bungle
Heard this on the radio this morning: a major Christian radio network
is alerting its member stations to check their latest shipments of
religious compact discs before airing them. It seems that some other
CDs were mislabelled at the factory and shipped along with the
religious ones. Unfortunately the itinerant CDs were by the Dead
Kennedys. A spokesman for the radio network said, "This is what
happens whenever people get around machines." The CBS newsreader,
with masterful understatement, said, "The Dead Kennedys CDs included
songs such as, `I Kill Children,' which some Christian listeners may
not find inspirational."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 93 14:04:52 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: chicken sexing
To: spaf
[How ya gonna get 'em
back on the farm,
after they've read Skolem. --Pat]
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 02:05:11 -0500
Sender: Philosophy Discussion Forum
From: LERNER%ITHACA.BitNet@pucc.PRINCETON.EDU
Subject: Chicken sexers & epistemology
To: Multiple recipients of list PHILOSOP
Does anyone out there know details or citations on
epistemological arguments concerning chicken sexers?
In philosophical oral tradition, I've heard it claimed more than
once that there are workers called chicken sexers, whose task is
to identify the sex of newborn chicks. The claim is that
ordinary people are unable to tell male chicks from female. But
specially skilled chicken sexers can pick up a chick in the palm
of a hand, and say instantly and accurately what the sex of the
chick is.
This determination of gender is said to have odd epistemological
features, which vary with the teller of the story. In one
version, the chicken sexer makes the determination of sex without
having any empirical evidence of the chick's sex. In another
version, there is empirical evidence, but the chicken sexer is
unable to say what that empirical evidence is. Perhaps there are
other versions, alleging other epistemological oddities.
I recently had the opportunity to discuss chicken sexers with a
poultry farmer. He had only a limited grasp of epistemology, but
seemed sure of his facts. He said that there are indeed chicken
sexers, and that they determine the sex of chicks very quickly
and accurately, and entirely empirically.
He said they squeeze the chick until it defecates. They then
note details of the color and texture of the feces, as well as
the shape and color of the orifice -- and these differ
perceptibly between male and female chicks. He said chicken
sexing is a learnable skill, and that chicken sexers could
readily show and explain how they tell the difference. They are
only remarkable, he said, for the speed with which they work.
He added that nowadays genetic engineering is making it possible
to breed chicks with readily visible differences of feather color
to distinguish sex, and that old fashioned chicken sexers are
becoming obsolete.
Do claims about the epistemology of chicken sexing appear in the
philosophical literature anywhere, or are they just academic
folklore? All help appreciated.
Eric Lerner
Department of Philosophy & Religious Studies
[I hope this isn't part of a religious study!
Reminds me of how you tell the difference between a gerbil and a
hamster. The hamster has more dark meat.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1993 9:49:06 EDT
From: Bart_Bacon@gcdmacs.larc.nasa.gov (Bart Bacon)
Subject: comp.soft-sys.matlab
To: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Here's a real useful piece of information from the matlab group:
Article: 183 of comp.soft-sys.matlab
Newsgroups: comp.soft-sys.matlab
From: mlafluer@pasteur.fr (Michelle Lafluer)
Subject: Tender Moments
Message-ID: <01269301@pasteur.fr>
Followup-To: comp.soft-sys.matlab
Summary: emacs
Keywords: emacs
Sender: mlafluer@pasteur.fr
Organization: pasteur.fr
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 21:18:39 GMT
Lines: 43
Dear Mabel,
I'm so glad and relieved to hear that you've decided to "come
out." You won't regret your decision. I do believe that
you'll come to love your new role in life.
Thank you for a warm and wonderful evening, one that I will
never forget.
I'm sending this to you in email. I've never done this
before. I hope it works out.
I love you,
Michelle
^X^C
^X^X^X^X
^Z^Z^Z^Z^Z^Z^Z^Z^Z
damn
^]^]^Z^X^C^C^C
^U
^W\\\^B
[Hmm, would this be a form of matrix transformation? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 4 Feb 93 04:35:13 EST (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: seismo!flinn
"How to Make a STRIKING SUNDIAL, by which not only a Man's own Family,
but all his Neighbors for ten Miles round, may know what a Clock
it is, when the Sun shines, without seeing the dial."
Choose an open Place in your Yard or Garden, on which the Sun may
shine all Day without any Impediment from Trees or Buildings.
On the Ground mark out your Hour Lines, as for a horizontal Dial,
according to Art, taking Room enough for the Guns.
On the Line for One o'Clock, place one Gun; on the Two o'Clock
Line two Guns, and so of the rest. The Guns must all be charged with
Powder, but Ball is unnecessary. Your Gnomon or Style must have
twelve burning Glasses annex'd to it, and be so placed as that the
Sun shining through the Glasses, one after the other, shall cause the
Focus or burning Spot to fall on the Hour Line of One, for Example, at
one a Clock, and there kindle a Train of Gunpowder that shall fire one
Gun. At Two a Clock, a Focus shall fall on the Hour Line of Two, and
kindle another Train that shall discharge two Guns successively, and
so of the rest.
Note, There must be 78 Guns in all. Thirty-two Pounders will be
best for this use; but 18 Pounders may do, and will cost less, as well
as use less Powder, for nine Pounds of Powder will do for one Charge
of each eighteen Pounder, whereas the Thirty-two Pounders would
require for each Gun 16 Pounds.
Note also, That the chief Expence will be the Powder, for the
Cannon once bought, will, with Care, last 100 Years.
Note moreover, That there will be a great Saving of Powder in
cloudy Days.
Kind Reader, Methinks I hear thee say, "That it is indeed a good
Thing to know how the Time passes, but this Kind of Dial,
notwithstanding the mentioned Savings, would be very expensive; and
the Cost greater than the Advantage." Thou art wise, my Friend, to be
so considerate beforehand; some Fools would not have found out so
much, till they had made the Dial and try'd it ... Let all such learn
that many a private and many a publick Project, are like this
"Striking Dial," great Cost for little Profit.
-- B. Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack for 1757
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Feb 93 19:30:03 EST
From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat)
Subject: Don't believe I'd want this job
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Saw this advertisement on one of the jobs newsgroups:
ACADEMIC VACANCIES AT MONASH UNIVERSITY
DEPARTMENT OF CIVIL ENGINEERING
MONASH UNIVERSITY (Clayton Campus)
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
Position 1: LECTURER IN CONCRETE
Is the job market really that bad? :-)
------------------------------
From: Aaron.Endelman@Eng (Aaron Endelman)
Subject: Elvis Lives
To: et-people
> Apparently, people are mailing out Elvis-stamped envelopes to
> non-existent destinations. They then wait in anticipation as the
> letters come back stamped:
>
> Return To Sender--Address Unknown
>
> It was getting so bad and tying up the USPS so heavily that the post
> offices will gladly adorn envelopes with those lyrical rubber return
> stamps if the person brings the letter(s) in him/herself. The USPS
> would rather do that than be smothered in false addresses and their
> subsequent returns.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 93 10:28:14 PST
From: valerie@sdacs.UCSD.EDU (Valerie E Polichar)
Subject: from subgenius via desperado
To: eniac
Oh dear.
=*=
From: MAST::REISERT "Jim"
To: desperado
Subj: Mommy, what is this thing? (from SubGenius Digest)
REGARDING sign of the times
From the L.A. Times
Solomon Waters of Altadena, a 6-year-old first-grader, came
home from his first day of school and excitedly told his
mother how he had written on "a machine that looks like a
computer -- but without the TV screen." She asked him if
it could have been a "typewriter." "Yeah! Yeah!" he said.
"That's what it was called."
------------------------------
Date: 11 Feb 93 18:02:00 UT
From: GEORGE.W.LEACH@gte.sprint.com
Subject: Hi
To: spaf
CLEARWATER - At the Pinellas County water department, they call it
The Big Flush. The rush to the bathroom during halftime of Super Bowl XXVII
shortly after 8p.m. Sunday was recorded by computers that track and adjust
water pressure. "This is the big one", said Dan Christy, assistant director
of the county's water system, which supplies water directly and indirectly
to about half the county. A graph from Pinellas' computers shows a quick
and dramatic drop in water pressure at the county's three main pump stations
starting about 8 p.m. "This one is a little bit different because of
Michael Jackson," said Laurence Trepany, the water distribution operator
on duty that day. Normally, the dip in water pressure is seen only at the
start of halftime. SUnday's graph registered a double dip, with a second
round of flushing after Jackson's performance.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 93 11:00:50 PST
From: ross@qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: HUMOR: Grammatically correct C declarations. Cute.
To: yucks
----- Begin Included Message -----
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 93 18:56:08 PST
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
To: eli@cisco.com, ross@qcktrn.com, pdh@rational.com
Subject: HUMOR: Grammatically correct C declarations. Cute.
If it were C++, we could talk about "short dirty private members". S.
_______
<Forwards deleted>
------- Forwarded Message
Subj: FUN: Grammatically correct C declarations....
Subj: Coding standards: extensible Literacy in C
Subj: Let's not forget "class struggle;" either.
Subj: Literacy in C -- let's add this to the coding standard
Examples of grammatically correct C declarations:
auto accident;
register voters;
static electricity;
struct by_lightning;
void *where_prohibited;
char broiled;
short circuit;
short changed;
long johns;
unsigned long letter;
double entendre;
double trouble;
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 93 13:19:09 GMT
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: it was a trick question karl, coventry city have never won the fa cup
To: eniac
Found on news.groups:
From: misha@abacus.uucp ( MISHA GLOUBERMAN )
Newsgroups: news.groups
Subject: Re: RFD: talk.with.famouspeople moderated
[...]
Another thing is: As we all know, USENET only survives because
most people on it are respectful of it. Many celebrities (not
all) become "spoiled" by being too famous and stop being
considerate of others. One local bulletin board that offered a
similar, but different, service was closed down for this very
reason. Everyone was excited when Paul Tsongas got on the board.
But as soon as he got his account, he started an Atari-versus-
Amiga flame war with Sonic Youth bassist Kim Gordon.
It went on forever. They posted their stupid messages on all the
groups and ruined a perfecty good BBS for everyone.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 93 19:30:02 EST
From: dm@think.com (dave mankins)
Subject: Job Security for Tech Writers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
spotted in a recent _New Scientist_ article on ``the paperless
office'':
A modern US Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals.
This is enough to affect the vessel's performance.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1993 20:39:49 -0700
From: "John C. Fowler" <fowlerc@magellan.colorado.edu>
Subject: Misprint of the Month
To: spaf
My nomination for "Misprint of the Month Award" is February's issue
of the Colorado ComputerUser (a Denver-area publication that's free to
readers, paid for by advertising). The cover story is about computer
viruses, and here's the first paragraph or so.
Fighting Viruses
[italicized] IBM's OS/2 shows potential, but version 2.0 has some
serious flaws.
[Large capital W]t a trade show last summer, I happened to be sitting
next to a programmer from a well-known Hollywood production house,
and the discussion turned to graphics and movies. I was stunned at
the hardware he was supporting for movie-production use: high-powered
Silicon Graphics workstations outfitted with 128 MB of RAM, specialized
graphics coprocessors, and multiple-gigabyte hard drives.
[Article continues, eventually ends in mid-sentence.]
You make the call: is it about viruses, OS/2, multimedia graphics, or some
weird combination of the three? Or is there a new typesetting virus
going around that automatically re-arranges articles about itself?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1993 11:49:30 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: NEWS: The Coming Crisis
To: spaf
i found these back to back, and can't tell when we'll be out of
time...
***********************************************
* Subject: NEWS: The Coming Crisis
* From: veerasam@utdallas.edu (Jey Veerasamy)
* Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1993 01:01:57 GMT
* Lines: 14
Read the following in comp.lang.c newsgroup.
From: george@tessi.com (George Mitchell)
In less than 8007 years, asctime () will need a 28-character buffer,
instead of a 27-character one, in which to return its result.
***********************************************
* Subject: NEWS: The Coming Crisis
* From: pawlak@vxdesy.desy.de
* Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1993 11:38:43 GMT
In article <C1LC79.750@utdallas.edu>, veerasam@utdallas.edu (Jey Veerasamy) writes:
> Read the following in comp.lang.c newsgroup.
>
> From: george@tessi.com (George Mitchell)
> Subject: The Coming Crisis
>
>
> In less than 8007 years, asctime () will need a 28-character buffer,
> instead of a 27-character one, in which to return its result.
Actually a similar, but better one can be found in comp.os.vms FAQ
(claimed to be originally written by someone from DEC):
This base time of Nov. 17, 1858 has since been used by TOPS-10, TOPS-20,
and VAX/VMS. Given this base date, the 100 nanosecond granularity
implemented within VAX/VMS, and the 63-bit absolute time representation (the
sign bit must be clear), VMS should have no trouble with time until:
31-JUL-31086 02:48:05.47
At this time, all clocks and time-keeping operations within VMS will
suddenly stop, as system time values go negative.
Note that all time display and manipulation routines within VMS allow
for only 4 digits within the 'YEAR' field. We expect this to be corrected
in a future release of VAX/VMS sometime prior to 31-DEC-9999.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 93 10:31:45 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Our Mentors Among Us
To: spaf (Yucks List)
Long list of forwards removed (IE, no idea who started this)
-----
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions in 1992.
Tortoise Trophy--
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion--
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together
Crimewatch Cup--
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large
capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court:"My
client is not a very bright young man".
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he
began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
British Cup--
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up
post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying Cross--
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten
by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his
identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
Lazarus Laurel--
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in
a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell
was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
Silver Bullet--
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 93 18:26:00 CST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: product help desk
To: spaf (Yucks List)
This showed up in our product support mail this evening: Names
have been changed to protect my paycheck.
>I am a student at the university of [deleted] and am currently
>using the [deleted] system on the network here
>
>i ahve [product] on my doc as part of the initial setup but do
>not know what the purposes of [product] are.
>
>
>could you please help me in this - i figure that you people
>are more qualifieds than the people tht are provided here - i
>mean like -- you wrote it....
>
>
>thank you very much for cooperation....
>
>
>
> [sender]
[qualifieds indeed. I hope it wasn't a Purdue student! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1993 18:15:02 GMT
From: leroy@socs.uts.EDU.AU (Grant Heinrich)
Subject: REVIEW: DAMAGE
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.reviews
DAMAGE
[Spoilers]
A film review by Grant Heinrich
Copyright 1993 Grant Heinrich
Directed Louis Malle.
Stars Jeremy Irons, Juliette Binoche (Teresa in THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS
OF BEING).
Irons and Binoche play two aliens stranded on earth in human form
and only able to communicate through involved eyebrow wiggling and
insertion without foreplay. Irons is a wacky English MP. Bincohe
reprises her role from THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING, only this time
without the benfit of good scripting--certainly, Damage allows no room
for anything resembling characterisation or, indeed, any form of acting
whatsoever beyond stoicism and the occasional smirk during orgasm.
Spoilers:
Here's the plot: Irons is a talented actor who picked a bad
script. Dressed as an well-toned MP, he drags Binoche around France and
Britan, looking for some place more uncomfortable than the last to fuck.
Binoche is his son's girlfriend. The rest is easily filled in: the
octopus position, the half-nelson with triple pike position, the losing
control of a two-wheel scooter because of an inexplicable manifestation
of Cthulu position.
[Somebody else tried this too? My back still isn't back to normal.
Must have been the tonga plugs. :-)
..rest of the review deleted. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 05 Feb 93 21:43:58 CST
From: talyn@oldblev.lonestar.org (M.J.Broadway)
Subject: Shaving legs
To: spaf
Just thought I would pass along the best tip I ever got for painless
and yet close shaving. (Though gg, my leg hair is worse than my father's)
A friend who is an ex-porn actor recommended using the conditioner I
use on my hair instead of shaving cream or gel. I thought he was
finally stripping out the last of heis gears. BUT ...... After three
months of test I have smooth legs, no razor burn (and that was
constant!), and no ingrowing hairs. Give it a try. Don't bother with
the expensive stuff, just something cheap. Though I still use the same
stuff I use on my scalp-hair becuase I hate having mor junk in the
shower.
Talyn
[I use a weedwhacker, myself. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1993 02:43:49 GMT
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: so...
Newsgroups: in.bizarre
In article <1993Jan29.111131.6647@news.cs.indiana.edu> "Bob Montante"
<bobmon@cs.indiana.edu> writes:
> ....if a man slouching around in a trenchcoat selling Feelthy Peectures
> is a Pornographer, what is a female purveyor of same?
>
> A Pornographess? A Pornographette?
Pornographyr.
Well, DUH...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 93 18:00:24 PST
From: ross@qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Software pirates caught in the act
To: yucks
----- Begin Included Message -----
Date--Fri, 29 Jan 93 14:16:11 +0100
From--Jay Rolls <jrolls@frg.bbn.com>
Subject--Clever Tactics Against Piracy
I thought the info-mac readers would find this article
interesting..... Jay Rolls, Stuttgart, Germany <jrolls@bbn.com>
((sent to RISKS by gio@DARPA.MIL (Gio Wiederhold) via many others))
COMPUTER CHEATS TAKE CADSOFT'S BAIT
Employees of IBM, Philips, the German federal interior ministry and
the federal office for the protection of the constitution are among
those who unwittingly 'turned themselves in' when a German computer
software company resorted to an undercover strategy to find out who
was using illegal copies of one of its programs.
Hundreds of customers accepted Cadsoft's offer of a free demonstration
program that, unknown to them, searched their computer hard disks for
illegal copies. Where the search was successful, a message appeared
on the monitor screen inviting the customer to print out and return a
voucher for a free handbook of the latest version of the program.
However, instead of a handbook the users received a letter from the
Bavarian-based software company's lawyers.
Since the demonstration program was distributed last June about 400
people have returned the voucher, which contained coded information
about the type of computer and the version of the illegally copied
Cadsoft program being used. Cadsoft is now seeking damages of at
least DM6,000 (ECU3,06E2) each from the illegal users.
Cadsoft's tactics are justified by manager Rudolf Hofer as a necessary
defence against pirate copying. The company had experienced a 30% drop
since 1991 in sales of its successful Eagle design program, which
retails at DM2,998. In contrast, demand for a DM25 demo version, which
Cadsoft offered with the handbook of the full version, had jumped,
indicating that people were acquiring the program from other sources.
Although Cadsoft devised its plan with the help of lawyers, doubts
have been raised about the legal acceptability of this type of
computer detective work. In the case of government offices there is
concern about data protection and official secrets. The search program
may also have had side-effects that caused other files to be damaged
or lost. Cadsoft is therefore preparing itself for what could be a
long legal battle with some customers. So far it has reached
out-of-court agreement with only about a quarter of those who
incriminated themselves.
----- End Included Message -----
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 93 18:16:21 PST
From: ross@qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Software pirates caught in the act
To: yucks
In a related technology-backfires story....
I heard on the news yesterday that Showtime broadcast a "free
T-shirt" offer over their network. However, it was receivable
only by ground stations with illegal signal decoders.
Apparently, the official Showtime signal decoders can accept
instructions that allow them to selectively ignore data.
The report said Showtime received about 300 requests for the
T-shirt. I guess the T-shirt has stripes on it.
[I wonder if any of these people had copies of the illegal
CADSoft software, too. -spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 93 19:06:31 CST
From: ulbrikg0@seraph1.sewanee.edu (Karl G. Ulbrich)
Subject: The top 10 courses for athletes at SMU
To: various people
The top 10 courses for athletes at SMU (reprinted without permission)
#10 Subtraction: addition's tricky pal
#9 The first 30 pages of A Tale of Two Cities:
Foundation of a Classic
#8 Sandwich-making (final project required)
#7 Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships:
The Interlocking Economy
#6 Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States
#5 The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries
#4 The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop
#3 Draw Winky
#2 From First Love to Looker: The Films in which Susan Dey
appears naked
#1 The poetry of Hank Stram
------------------------------
Date: 9 Feb 93 18:18:20 GMT
From: fulton@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Ben Fulton)
Subject: What I saw on the bulletin board
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Do you eat too much?
Sometimes go on binges that you can't control?
Come to the next meeting of Overeaters Anonymous.
At University Ministries.
(Near the pizza parlor)
------------------------------
Date: 31 Jan 93 02:42:31 GMT
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: Why I love Indiana, vol. 3
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,in.bizarre
At the "city" limits of Churubusco, Indiana:
WELCOME TO CHURUBUSCO
THE GIANT TURTLE CITY
Really. Everything is named for turtles, and they have,
at the intersection of the two major streets in town, a statue of
a turtle, about five feet in diameter.
The more I think about it, the more there is to be said
for the savvy of the town fathers of Churubusco. I just know the
high-powered marketing campaign, "Forget the Big Apple! Come to
the Giant Turtle!", is revving up even as I post.
------------------------------
Date: 05 Feb 1993 16:12:21 -0600 (CST)
From: The Joker <RAESIDE2447@iscsvax.uni.edu>
To: spaf
Source: The University of Northern Iowa Sentinel (a newspaper)
----------------------------------------
The Top Ten ways to Survive the Clinton Administration:
10. Rejoice that, if there is a God, he will not be re-elected.
9. Leave the country like Barbara Streisand and Hunter S. Thompson promised
to do if Bush had won.
8. Hide your money in a Swiss bank account and live in a monastery for four
years.
7. Pretend to have a "disability," such as alcoholism or a drug addition---
job offers will pour in.
6. Take survivalist training and live in a fortified camp in the woods.
5. Do whatever you did from 1977-81.
4. Burn Democrats in effigy. (Voodoo dolls work too.)
3. Put your money in a well-meaning liberal's bank account.
2. "Join the celebration" by starting your own abortion clinic.
And #1. Listen to Rush Limbaugh.
[My impression is that the majority of Yucks readers won't find this
funny. However, I try to offend everyone periodically, just for
the practice. Huh. Maybe I have something in common with Rush
Limbaugh after all.... --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------