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Yucks Digest V3 #5
Yucks Digest Mon, 1 Feb 93 Volume 3 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
(not an) RFC: mailbox format
An Emacs Koan
Big Bad John
cat woke me up, so you get this :)
Chuck Sheppard's email address
For Yucks
Great book catalog (for yucks)
Help --- book
Here kitty kitty ...
Is Windows a Virus?
Just what makes Madonna Madonna?
news flash
NOTW
opus dei
o to be a spleen
Santa
Serenade From Hell
The Zen of Bagels
Watching Scotty Grow
What is this stuff good for?...
Where does my j-ke go?
Why I Like Indiana, vol. 1
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 22 Jan 93 03:56:03 GMT
From: harley@engrhub.ucsb.edu (Harley Hahn,,,HAHN,personal)
Subject: (not an) RFC: mailbox format
Newsgroups: comp.mail.misc,comp.unix.questions
In article <1993Jan18.185724.19291@wixer.cactus.org> rhodesia@wixer.cactus.org (Felix S. Gallo) writes:
>I can
>imagine instances in which "^A^A^A^A\n" is a perfectly good chunk of an
>encrypted file or perhaps a piece of a binary picture of Madonna naked.
It may just be my imagination but when you look at it
sideways,
^A^A^A^A\n
DOES look like Madonna naked.
Felix, were you doing this from memory?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 93 19:30:03 EST
From: J.J.Hallett@ecs.southampton.ac.uk (Jon. Hallett)
Subject: An Emacs Koan
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a
question.
"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
before replying.
"I don't see why not. Its got bloody well everything else."
With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
enlightenment, several years later.
Commentary:
His Master is kind,
Answering his FAQ quickly,
With thought and sarcasm.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 14:07:21 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Big Bad John
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
This resurfaced after the internal IBM email from John Akers
announcing his imminent departure (which, interestingly,
noted that *all* internal and external candidates for his
replacement would be equally considered - we should ALL
apply!). No idea who wrote it...
Big John
Updated Version
Every morning at Armonk you see him arrive
In a big fancy car that a chauffeur would drive.
Kind of big in the wallet and narrow in the mind,
and every VP knew how to kiss the behind of Big John.
Big John, Big John, Big Bad John.
Nobody seemed to know why John was the boss.
He just never had to care about profit or loss.
He didn't do much except raise his own pay.
Many earn in a year what John earned in a day, Big John.
Some said he came down 'round White Plains
Where he showed that success takes style, not brains.
When a slick four-color foil presentation
Left the other fast trackers in subordination, Big John.
Big John, Big John, Big Bad John.
Then came the day at the annual meeting,
When stockholders screamed they were taking a beating.
And the workers were shouting for a decent wage.
Then a riot broke out and they rushed the stage at Big John.
The execs on podium started to panic.
Then the chairman who captained the Big Blue Titanic
Announced to the crowd he'd solution their flight,
"I'll find out where you work and I'll sell off your site," said Big
John
Big John, Big John, Big Bad John.
The directors, all sensing their ouster was near
Cried, "We're market driven! Let's get out here!"
And twenty men bailed out with their golden chutes,
Now's there's no one left up there to salute Big John.
With ballots and proxies and mob felt empowered,
But with tear gas and swat teams in less than an hour
The workers were beaten, the hall had been wrecked,
And everyone knew that they'd been 4-checked by Big John.
Big John, Big John, Big Bad John.
Now they never reopened that worthless pit,
They just showed an ICN Broadcast from in front of it.
When asked about his long term strategy
He said, "I'll fire 'em all and that will leave only me, Big John."
Big John, Big John, Big bad John.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 00:44:54 -0800
From: Jamie Walker <mnq@well.sf.ca.us>
Subject: cat woke me up, so you get this :)
To: strick@osc.versant.com
Monday 25-Jan-93 00:24:01 from Max Pandaemonium
NAME THIS LITTLE PIGGY
Mutant flies aren't the only targets of scientists' nomenclatural wit
(SN: 1/12/91, p. 30). John Phillips, a fourth-year medical student at
Yale University, waxes poetic about toes.
Anatomists have bestowed Latin-derived names on nearly every bone in
the human body, from the tail bone (coccyx) to the thumb (pollex) and
pinkie finger (digitus minimus). Even the lowly big toe (hallux) boasts
a dignified appellation. But the remaining piggly-wiggly appendages
have never received their own formal monikers, observes Phillips.
Instead, anatomists simply lump the toes together as "metatarsal digits"
or "metatarsal phalanxes" and number them 1 through 5.
Why, Phillips asks, must toes "merely be counted?" In a Feburary 14
_New England Journal of Medicine_ letter, he proposes labels for the
pedal digits: porcellus fori (big toe), p. domi (second toe); p.
carnivorus (third toe), p. nonvoratus (fourth digit) and p. plorans
domum (smallest toe). These names -- all variations on a theme by
Mother Goose -- translate loosely into: little pig at market, baby pig
at home, meat-eating piglet, small pick that's not eaten, and piggy
crying all the way home.
Phillips says a few orthopedic surgeons at the Yale School of
Medicine use his porcine nomenclature in their clinical and surgical
notes. But Ronald Bohn, an anatomist at George Washington University
Medical Center in Washington, D.C., says he doesn't expect others to go
hog-wild over the proposed terms. Most medical texts and clinical notes
already eschew Latin for the skeleton's more common English names, he
explains. For instance, while Bohn admits to joking in class about a
"rule of pollex," he says he never calls it anything but a thumb when
talking with nurses or writing for physicians.
_Science News,_ 6 April 1991
Volume 139, Number 14, p. 223
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 07:44:54 PST
From: petonic@hal.com (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: Chuck Sheppard's email address
To: yucks
In case the Yucks readership doesn't know yet.
------- Start of forwarded message -------
From: KOPEC_FRED@devnull.mpd.tandem.com
To: mccarty%add.itg.ti.com@tzone.mpd.tandem.com,
petonic%hal.com@tzone.mpd.tandem.com
Subject: News of the Weird Submissions via Internet
Date: 26 Jan 93 08:40:00 -0600
Heard or read anything WEIRD lately? Got a story that's unbelievable,
TRUE, but NOT in print?
Do not dismay! Now you can submit stories DIRECTLY to Chuck Shepherd,
editor and publisher of News of the Weird, via Internet!
His address is: cshepherd@igc.org
No, I haven't tried it yet, but am planning to at my next opportunity!
------- End of forwarded message -------
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 15:45:29 -0400
From: Patrick O'Callaghan <poc@usb.ve>
Subject: For Yucks
To: spaf
Found in a hotel room in Puerto La Cruz, Venezuela:
Dear Guest, our check out time is 1:00pm. If you decided to live after
this time, we will be more than pleased to keep your luggage without
any charge in the front office.
[And if you don't live, where do they keep the luggage? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 93 14:28:09 -0500
From: Marc G. Frank <mgfrank@avernus.com>
Subject: Great book catalog (for yucks)
To: spaf
Yucksters will *not* want to be without the Loompanics Unlimited book
catalog. From the preface:
"Certain of the books and papers in this catalog deal with activities
and devices which would be in violation of various Federal, State, and
local laws if actually carried out or constructed. Loompanics Unlimited
does not advocate the breaking of any law. Our books are sold for
informational purposes only. We recommend that you contact your local
law enforcement officials before undertaking any project based upon
information in this catalog. We are not responsible for, nor do we
assume liability for, damages resulting from the use of information in
this catalog.
All titles are sold for informational purposes only.
This catalog is for the use of adults only. Under no circumstances are
children to view or possess it.
Loompanics Unlimited cannot be responsible for any shipment of books
seized by any government body. This applies in particular to Canada,
where many books are banned, and to prisoners, whose keepers often
confiscate books. If you are a prisoner or a Canadian, you are advised
to check with your authorities before ordering books. We cannot be
responsible for books seized by ANY government, since neither UPS nor
Post Office insurance covers such a situation. Be warned!"
Says it all, really. A subject listing of books in the catalog:
Anarchism and Egoism
Big Brother is Watching You
Bombs and Explosives
Censorship
Conducting Investigations
Crime and Police Science
Drugs
Fake ID
Gimme Shelter
Guerrilla Warfare
Guns
Head for the Hills
Health and Life Extension
Heresy/Weird Ideas
Intelligence Increase
Locks and Locksmithing
Mass Media
Miscellaneous
Money-Making Opportunities
Murder and Torture
Paralegal Skills
Privacy and Hiding Things
Reality Creation
Revenge
Rock 'n' Roll
Science and Technology
Self Defense
Self-Publishing
Self-Sufficiency
Sex
Survival
Tax Avoision [sic]
The Underground Economy
Weapons
Work
I could easily go broke ordering books from this catalog!
Loompanics Unlimited
PO Box 1197
Port Townsend, WA 98368
The catalog is $5, and well worth it.
[I will second that. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 25 Jan 93 18:53:35
From: GEOFF@wwg3.uovs.ac.za
Subject: Help --- book
To: spaf
Hi
My name is Geoffrey Termorshuizen. I am busy compiling a book based on
various netwits, yucks and other various funny items I have recieved.
I would apprciate it if you would post this letter to the yucks
recipiants, and if you have time, send me some extra stuff. All
submissions will recieve full credits. I would appreciate all help
that I forthcoming!
G.H. TERMORSHUIZEN
PO BOX 8471
BLOEMFONTEIN
9300
REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA
TEL: 27 51 478040
[I know nothing about Geoff or his project other than this message.
Reply or not as you see fit. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 10:37:14 PST
From: "Jeffrey D. Angus" <jangus@skyld.tele.com>
Subject: Here kitty kitty ...
To: "Gene Spafford" <spaff>
What's this about homeless people going hungry?
KITTY FRITTERS 4 servings
1 small cat 1/4 cup diced goldfish
1 egg beaten 1/4 cup flour
1 onion grated 2 tablespoons tomato sauce
1/2 tablespoon freshly ground cat nip Fat for deep frying
1. Peel and cube one small cat. Place in sauce pan with one quater cup water
and cook until tender. Drain and mash.
2. Stir in goldfish, egg, onion and cat nip.
3. Mix flour into cat mixture until it forms a firm batter.
4. Drop batter from fingers in varying sizes into heated fat (360 deg. F.)
until browned on all edges. Drain on absorbent paper.
KIT N' CANARY QUICHE 6 to 10 servings
This very special pie, long a favorite in France, is only now gaining
popularity in America. It may be served either as an appetizer or a
luncheon dish.
1 1/2 cups cat meat, fresh or canned 4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon chopped celery 2 cups cream
1 teaspoon grated onion 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
2 tablespoons parsley 1/2 teaspoon salt
1 plucked and deboned canary 1/4 teaspoon white pepper
2 tablespoons sherry 1 pastry crust for 9-inch pie pan
Pick over the cat and canary meat to remove all traces of hair, feathers and
cartilage.
1. Combine cat meat, celery, onion and parsley and refrigerate one hour.
2. Bake pie crust at 450 deg. F. for five minutes.
3. Sprinkle the baked pastry shell with the cat meat mixture.
4. Combine the eggs, cream, nutmeg, salt and pepper and strain over mixture
in pastry shell.
5. Garnish with canary meat and place in oven. Bake for fifteen minutes,
reduce temperture to 360 deg. F. and continue until done. Serve while hot.
CURRIED CAT 6 servings
1/2 cup flour 1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup curry powder chopped parsley
2 pounds cat fillet, cut into two Note: Add 1/4 tablespoon to your cats
inch strips food for 7 days before cooking.
1. Mix flour and curry powder and dip the cat fillets into the misture.
2. Heat the butter in a skillet over moderate heat and brown the coated cat
meat on both sides. Serve sprinkled with chopped parsley. Finely diced
pieces of goldfish or tropical species adds a fresh, salty taste.
ROTISSERIE CHINESE CAT 4 servings
This is a splendid recipe developed for use with modern electric rotisseries.
When done, the cat should be crisp on the outside and almost jet black.
1 five- to six-pound cat 1/2 cup soy sauce
Salt and parsley to taste 1/4 cup sherry
1/4 cup molasses (Chinese preferred) 1 small clove garlic
1. Wash and clean cat being certain to dry well inside and out. Sprinkle the
cat cavity with salt and insert the parsley. Truss the cat securely. Fold
the legs under and tie close to the body. Tie the hind legs together, then
bring the tail across the chest and tie securely around the neck. Make sure
that all legs are tight so as not to break off during cooking.
2. Combine remaining ingredients in a sauce pan and heat over low flame for
five minutes.
3. Insert spit rod through cat cavity, balancing it carefully.
4. Roast until tender (about two hours), basting every fifteen minutes. When
done, drumstick meat is tender when touched.
PS to Jenny, these are easier to find skulking around the garage than Moose.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 9:10:23 EST
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: Is Windows a Virus?
To: spaf
Subject: Is Windows a Virus?
Couldn't resist passing this along. :-) Enjoy!
---
Q. Is Windows a virus?
A. No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1) They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows does that too.
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's
with Windows, too.
Maybe Windows is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated,
and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So there! Windows is NOT a virus.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jan 93 17:25:40 GMT
From: mikes@Ingres.COM (Mike Schilling)
Subject: Just what makes Madonna Madonna?
Newsgroups: comp.unix.internals
Wrong newsgroup; the answer involves 'externals', not 'internals'.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 10:24:11 PST
From: Jamie Andrews <jamie@cs.sfu.ca>
Subject: news flash
To: eniac
HYANNISPORT (CP) -- Arnold Schwarzenegger has
checked in to the prestigious Hasbro Hospital
here today for the first of a controversial
series of musculosuction treatments.
"I just got tired of my body," the _Terminator_
star was quoted as saying. "The breaking point
was when I saw a picture of Spike Lee in a
sleeveless T-shirt. I thought, 'Why can't I
look like that?'"
Schwarzenegger's agent denied that the one-time
Mr. Universe was only undergoing the treatments
in order to land a part in the upcoming _Dead
Poets' Society II_.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 08:31:37 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
Los Angeles jail inmate Leslie White blew the whistle on alleged conspiracies
between government prosecutors and inmates who would commit perjury. However,
White himself was convicted of perjury in May while testifying about inmates'
perjury.
--
In November, a chest pain apparently caused Anne Shapiro, 79, to snap out of a
coma-like trance that had prevented her from caring for herself and speaking
for 30 years. Among her first requests was to see "I Love Lucy," but she
became frightened by the TV because the programs were in color.
--
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been
sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never
been jailed. Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in
Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for
notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.
--
Powell, Ala., police chief James Bryan quit in August when his friend, the
mayor, lost his bid for re-election. Over the years, Bryan had been fired
12 times by the city council for indiscretions but always had been rehired
by the mayor. (The city countil had fired Bryan's predecessor 14 times, but
he, too, had been rehired each time.)
--
Prominent Easton, Md., lawyer George Goldsborough will face disciplinary
action concerning charges that he had spanked an employee and two clients in
his office in incidents going back to the early 1980s.
One of Goldsborough's ex-partners said he had discovered a copy of a book,
"Spanking and the Single Girl," in Goldsborough's desk drawer, and the female
complainants said Goldsborough often told them they had been "bad girls" and
needed spankings. (Present and former lawyers in Goldsborough's firm came
under criticism, as well, for failing to move against him sooner; rumors of
other incidents had been circulating for years -- so much so that the firm was
referred to around Easton as Spanky and the Gang.)
--
Last spring, the Alabama Medicaid office began requiring Polaroid photo-
graphs of the breasts of women who wanted breast-reduction surgery. An
official said the photos were necessary to prove that the surgery was medical
and not cosmetic in nature (which Medicaid would not pay for). A University
of Alabama sociologist was critical, pointing out that the photos still did
not prove the medical need for the surgery, and that Medicaid officials take
the physician's word for it, anyway.
--
Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train
station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police
said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne's arrest
record.
--
In Denver, Joan Kallinen, 56, pleaded guilty to attempting to hire an under-
cover police officer to murder her husband. Kallinen had maintained that
the "contract" was all part of a Dungeons and Dragons game that the police
officer failed to get the drift of, but friends and co-workers testified
that she was an out-of-control shopper who needed her husband's estate to
cover her debts. A co-worker said Kallinen was "obsessed" with dressing well,
and her husband said she owned 150 dresses, 40 golf outfits, 100 blouses, and
150 pairs of shoes.
--
Jaekun An of Anchorage, Alaska, was arraigned in August for violating a
freshwater fishing limit. A trooper who found him with 169 fish quoted An:
"It was just so good that I couldn't stop myself."
--
When George Bojarski's son failed to come up with the $384 balance due on
his father's cremation in October in Richmond, Texas, Evans Mortuary placed
the body on the son's doorstep. Interviewed by Houstin's KRIV-TC, owner
Newell Evans quarreled with the news report: "Who says I dumped him there?"
he asked. "I (merely) left him there."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 13:18:15 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: opus dei
To: yucks
Catholics ask bishop
to crack down on priests (AP wire story)
EL PASO, Texas -- A group of El Paso Roman Catholics, upset by the
actions of some parish priests, plans to demonstrate Sunday in front
of Bishop Raymundo Pena's home to push him to make all priests stick
to the rules set by the Vatican.
"The purpose is to bring enough pressure on the bishop so that
he'll change ways and clean up or step aside and let someone come in
and clean it up," said Terry Scott, a member of a group calling itself
Roman Catholic Laity. "I'd prefer that he stay."
Scott said some of the items the group is protesting include:
* Priests not wearing proper vestments when saying Mass;
* Priests using croutons instead of unleavened bread for
communion; and
* Priests giving high-fives to people as they leave the
church.
The Rev. Ed Roden-Lucero, spokesman for the diocese, said the
bishop would have been notified and action taken if priests were using
croutons for communion or other abuses were noted.
"These people have been dissatisfied and complaining about
what the diocese does for many, many years," Roden-Lucero said.
"Their view of the church is archaic. They've never accepted the most
positive changes that have come out of the second Vatican Council."
The group also will protest teachings at the Tepeyac Institute
in El Paso, which prepares people to teach catechism classes, because
they say the teachings are heresy.
"I've heard them say hell is not eternal and that God is so
good he won't let you go to hell," Jim McLaughlin, another
demonstrator, said. "If that's what they're teaching in (catechism
classes), what are the children going to have for a faith when they
grow up?"
Roden-Lucero disagreed: "If there was a serious abuse or
serious flaw in the teachings, the bishop would correct it."
[Croutons??? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 18:56:18 GMT
From: gj156879@alfred.carleton.ca ( gj student 156879)
Subject: o to be a spleen
Newsgroups: alt.spleen
>I think that I would be happier as someone's spleen.
>Mark., not as my own spleen, though
If you were your own spleen, you'd be trapped inside yourself, like
when you stand between two mirrors and see a billion selves extending
off into the distance of space.
Oo, I've scared myself.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 21:02:40 GMT
From: crobertson@mta.ca
Subject: Santa
Newsgroups: alt.religion.santaism
In article <1993Jan27.175422.3158@dct.ac.uk>, mcsdc2mlh@dct.ac.uk (Matt Haswell) writes:
>> I don't believe in Santa, but i like his elves.
>
>Especially char-boiled.
>
>
>---Really, 'char-boiled'????? Interesting cullinary concept...---
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 16:12:07 -0400
From: Patrick O'Callaghan <poc@usb.ve>
Subject: Serenade From Hell
To: spaf
(Taken from Time Magazine)
Some people might like that sort of thing. But the reality of spending
two weeks aboard a Caribbean cruise ship with 500 Swiss yodelers - for
which they paid $4,478 - proved too much for Sonja and Friedemann
Mees, a German couple who had embarked on what they thought would be
their dream vacation. "It was awful," said Sonja Mees.
Day and night, they were serenaded by groups such as the Lisbeth
Sidler - Fritz Arnet Yodeling Duet and the Village Sparrows of
Oberageri. The mountain warblers monopolized all four lounges, drowned
out the midnight rumba buffet, performed on land in full costume, and
their tapes were heard on tour buses. In the end, however, the most
plaintive note sounded may have been from the German travel agency
that booked the Meeses without bothering to mention the yodelers - and
then failed to fly the couple home. A German court ordered the agency
to refund one-third of the Meeses' fare.
[Hmm, I wonder what form of living hell the Meeses would have had to
endured to get a full refund as a penalty? Having the Yucks readership
on board? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 25 Jan 93 20:29:28 GMT
From: nmiller@starbase.trincoll.edu (norman miller)
Subject: The Zen of Bagels
Newsgroups: rec.food.cooking,ne.food
One thing for sure: bagel places have become as common as
candy stores used to be (sadly said for both) and Gresham's
Law has taken hold. Never again will the quality of bagels
be something to be taken for granted.
What follows is the sort of thing that never would have been
written when All Was Well With The World, when bagels were
two for a nickel (rolls were three for the same price) and
came in one flavor: plain. It's offered in the hope of
rescuing and demystifying a once-simple pleasure. The title
is totally phony and was designed to catch the eye. The
real title is:
How to Eat a Bagel
I. General considerations
A. Despite the by now universal practice, a bagel
should never be cut. (See below for limited
exceptions.)
B. It should not be eaten as a holder for cream cheese,
lox, etc.
C. A bagel should be eaten because it is a bagel.
II. Procedures
A. Approach the bagel with no show of awe or reverence.
Very important. Reading a newspaper helpful.
B. Grab bagel firmly with left hand.
C. With the right hand, tear off a two-inch segment.
D. Examine bagel.
1. Bagel and segment should both retain essentially
the same shape as before. Slight flattening
permissible but no more than that.
2. If bagel fails this test, discard and go to a
different bakery.
E. If bagel passes first test, take a first bite.
F. Judge bagel.
1. Bagel should be very chewy and taste like the
sun.
[Hot and mostly hydrogen? --spaf]
2. If bagel fails this test, discard and go to a
different bakery.
III. Playing through
A. Continue reading the paper. Very important.
B. If asked how you like the bagel, answer with an
indifferent "all right" or "ekh, a bagel". Any
show of ecstasy or bliss is bad form.
IV. Ritual variances
A. Bagels may be sliced and eaten with other food only:
1. on Sunday at breakfast.
a. But not with grandchildren present.
2. when in company which might misunderstand the
approved method for bad manners or mistake it
for bagel-snobbery.
V. Advanced topics
A. Try bialys. They're still what they should be.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1993 15:03:53 -0500
From: Mark Weinstock <mw4j+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Watching Scotty Grow
Newsgroups: rec.games.trivia
According to a recent Dave Barry survey of the worst songs ever,
Watching Scotty Grow was written and performed by Mac Davis. I attached
the rest of te survey in case your interested.
DAVE BARRY
I hope you haven't had anything to eat recently, because, as promised
last week, today I am presenting the winners of the Bad Song Survey.
In analyzing these results, I had to make a few adjustments. For
example, the Bob Dylan song ``Lay Lady Lay'' would have easily won as
Worst Overall Song, with 17,006 votes, except that I had to disallow 17,
004 votes on the grounds that they were cast by my Research Department,
Judi Smith, who tabulated the votes, and who HATES ``Lay Lady Lay.''
To win, a song had to be known well enough that a lot of people could
hate it. This is a shame in a way, because some obscure songs that
people voted for are wonderfully hideous. One reader sent a tape of a
song called ``Hooty Sapperticker'' by a group called ``Barbara and the
Boys.'' This could be the worst song I've ever heard. It consists almost
entirely of The Boys singing ``Hooty! Hooty! Hooty!'' and then Barbara
saying: ``Howdy Hooty Sapperticker!''
Several readers sent in an amazing CD from Rhino Records called
``Golden Throats,'' which consists of popular actors attempting to sing
popular music, including William Shatner attempting ``Lucy In The Sky
With Diamonds,'' Leonard Nimoy attempting ``Proud Mary,'' Mae West
attempting ``Twist and Shout,'' Eddie Albert attempting ``Blowin' in the
Wind,'' and -- this is my favorite -- Jack `` Soul'' Webb attempting ``Try
a Little Tenderness.'' You need this CD.
But now for our survey results. Without question, the voters' choice
for Worst Song -- in both the Worst Overall AND Worst Lyrics category --
is ... (drum roll ...)
``MacArthur Park,'' as sung by Richard Harris, and later remade, for
no comprehensible reason, by Donna Summer.
It's hard to argue with this selection. My 12-year-old son, Rob, was
going through a pile of ballots, and he asked me how ``MacArthur Park''
goes, so I sang it, giving it my best shot, and Rob laughed so hard that
when I got to the part about leaving the cake out in the rain, and it
took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again, Rob was
on the floor. He didn't BELIEVE those lyrics were real. He was SURE his
wacky old humor-columnist dad was making them up.
The clear runner-up, again in both categories, is ``Yummy Yummy Yummy
(I Got Love In My Tummy),'' performed by Ohio Express. (A voter sent me
an even WORSE version of this, performed by actress Julie London, who at
one time -- and don't tell me this is mere coincidence -- was married to
Jack Webb.)
Coming in a strong third is ``(You're) Having My Baby'' by Paul Anka.
This song is deeply hated. As one voter put it: ``It has no redeeming
value whatsoever -- except my friend Brian yelled out during the birth
scene in the sequel to `The Fly' in full song, `Having my maggot!'''
Honorable mention goes to Bobby Goldsboro, who got many votes for
various songs, especially ``Honey.'' One voter wrote: ``Why does
everybody hate Bobby Goldsboro's `Honey'? I hate it too, but I want to
know WHY.''
Why? Consider this verse: ``She wrecked the car and she was sad; And
so afraid that I'd be mad, but what the heck; Tho' I pretended hard to
be; Guess you could say she saw through me; And hugged my neck.''
As one reader observed: ``Bobby never caught on that he could have
bored a hole in himself and let the sap out.''
A recent song that has aroused great hostility is ``Achy Breaky
Heart,'' by Billy Ray Cyrus. According to voter Mark Freeman, the song
sounds like this: ``You can tell my lips, or you can tell my hips, that
you're going to dump me if you can; But don't tell my liver, it never
would forgive her, it might blow up and circumcize this man!''
Many voters feel a special Lifetime Bad Achievement Award should go
to Mac Davis, who wrote ``In the Ghetto,'' ``Watching Scotty Grow,'' AND
``Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me,'' which contains one of the worst lines
in musical history: ``You're a hot-blooded woman-child; And it's warm
where you're touching me.'' That might be as bad as the part in
``Careless Whisper'' where George Michael sings: ``I'm never gonna dance
again; Guilty feet have got no rhythm.''
Speaking of bad lyrics, many voters also cited Paul McCartney, who,
ever since his body was taken over by a pod person, has been writing
things like: ``Someone's knockin' at the door; Somebody's ringin' the
bell; (repeat); Do me a favor, open the door, and let him in.''
There were strong votes for various tragedy songs, especially ``Teen
Angel'' (``I'll never kiss your lips again; They buried you today.'')
and ``Timothy,'' a song about -- really -- three trapped miners, two of
whom wind up EATING the third.
Other tremendously unpopular songs, for their lyrics or overall
badness, are: ``Muskrat Love,'' ``Sugar Sugar,'' ``I'm Too Sexy,''
``Surfin' Bird,'' ``I've Never Been To Me,'' ``In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,''
``Afternoon Delight,'' ``Feelings,'' ``You Light Up My Life'' and ``In
the Year 2525'' (VIOLENT hatred for this song).
In closing, let me say that you voters have performed a
major public service, and that just because your song didn't make
the list, that doesn't mean it isn't awful (unless you were one of
the badly misguided people who voted for ``The Tupperware Song'').
Let me also say that I am very relieved to learn that there
are people besides me who hate ``Stairway to Heaven.'' Thank you.
P.S. Also ``I Shot the Sheriff.''
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 93 10:29:06 EST
From: bhahn@oldno7.sw.stratus.com (Bill Hahn)
Subject: What is this stuff good for?...
...is it going to be on the exam?
Eric Olsen's post hit one of my "hot buttons", and I was gasping
for air preparing for a full gale force diatribe until I calmed
down. Perhaps it was the memory of trying to teach calculus to
people who didn't know how to add fractions, and this was twenty
years ago.... Instead of a diatribe, its gonna be a SNAP QUIZ:
1. (5pts) Which American author wrote: "In real life there is
no algebra."
2. (15pts) Who said: "If music were taught like mathematics you
wouldn't hear a symphony until you were in graduate school."
3. (35pts) Get the recent booklet "Japanese University
Entrance Examination Problems in Mathematics" from
the MAA. Pick some American college graduates,
with a science or engineering degrees, and give them
the *college entrance* math test for Japanese who
plan to major in the *humanities*. See if the
results affect the self-esteem of the students.
4. (35pts) In which Tolstoy novel does a principal character say,
in effect: "Now if I couldn't understand calculus, *that*
would affect my self-esteem." Extra credit: explain why
mentioning this to a freshman calculus class wouldn't
impress them one bit.
5. (10pts) When you go to photocopy a piece of paper, and hit
the 100% reduction button, does the original disappear?
Bill H., who fondly remembers tutoring:
Tutee: How can you add two to X when you don't know what X is?
Tutor: OK, name me a number you can't add two to.
Tutee: Well, there might be one you don't know about.
or
Tutor: When we say addition is commutative, all that means is
that it doesn't make any difference what order you add
the numbers -- you'll get the same answer. See? 5 + 7
is 12, and so is 7 + 5. [Many more examples deleted.]
Tutee: OOOhhh! (Light of recognition in face.) Gee, I knew
that worked for letters, but I didn't know it worked
for numbers too!
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jan 93 00:30:12 GMT
From: warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu (Matthew S. 'Opie' Warren)
Subject: Where does my j-ke go?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Hi.
Anyone who's submitted a joke to r.h.f receives in reply a form letter that
contains, among other things, the following disclaimer:
>Remember that when you submit here, you give me permission for
>unlimited distribution of your joke -- including networks like GEnie --
>and the right to put it in the annual jokebook.
I wondered exactly _how_ unlimited this right was. After a little
research, I compiled the Top Ten Places Your Joke Will Wind Up:
10. Translated into Urdu and performed to unsuspecting tourists
as native poetry
9. Read out by Republicans filibustering Freedom of Choice Act
8. Featured in the trailer for Star Trek XII: Kirk and Spock Get
A Nasty Case of Parkinson's
7. Used to cheer up out-of-power Mikhail Gorbachev
6. Introduced as evidence in the _tenth_ Rodney King trial, the
one where they charge the four policemen with using swear words
5. Evaluated in Pentagon's $690-billion plan to re-initiate
the famed Joke Warfare system that won us World War II
4. Recorded backwards on new Def Leppard album and promptly banned
by President Gore, who succeeded the late Clinton after the
tragic horseshoe incident
3. Suddenly discovered in the newly-made-public Dead Sea Scrolls,
much to the chagrin of the Israeli Government
2. Secretly written to the disks of unsuspecting Prodigy users
And the NUMBER ONE Place Your Joke Will Wind Up after it's sent out to
hundreds of thousands of rec.humor.funny readers is:
1. The bit bucket
[#11 -- it goes to the Yucks digest.]
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jan 93 07:23:57 GMT
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: Why I Like Indiana, vol. 1
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,in.bizarre
Sign in the lobby of Miller's Market in LaGrange, Indiana:
PUBLIC BURIAL
MONGO CHURCH OF CHRIST
FEB 6TH, 3:00
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------