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Yucks Digest V1 #12
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #12
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 21:34:56 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Tue, 29 Jan 91 Volume 1 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
Bureaucratic circumlocution of the week
Fashion wars
Just tell me, how weird do you want to be?
Mortified Matchmakers Love Questionairre
one shtep ahead...
QOTD
Redefining "bad idea"
Top Ten Excuses for Not Doing the Homework
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 09:41:32 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bureaucratic circumlocution of the week
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Electronic News (January 14 1991) page 8
Digital Sets First Layoffs; 3,500 Jobs to Go
Maynard Mass - Digital Equipment Corp., buffeted by both the
industry-wide shift to low-cost standard hardware and the general
economic recession, last week set plans for its first formal layoffs
ever as part of a program for cutting up to 3,5000 jobs over the next
few months.
...
DEC didn't issue a formal statement regarding its plans, and company
officials studiously avoided describing the impending reductions as
layoffs. They instead characterized the upcoming cuts as a
``severance program with an involuntary methodology.''
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 01:34:44 PST
Subject: Fashion wars
To: spaf
a0428 28 Jan 91
PM-Gas Mask Fashion,0484
Latest Israeli Fashion Accessory - Gas Mask Containers
By GWEN ACKERMAN
Associated Press Writer
JERUSALEM (AP) - Brightly colored cardboard boxes slung
carelessly over shoulders on Israel's streets are the country's
newest fad, an attempt at cheer amid the depressing fear of war and
missiles.
The boxes contain the government-issue gas masks given all
Israelis to protect against the threat of Iraqi chemical attack.
Originally brown, many of the containers have now been painted or
pasted over with decorations.
Teen-agers seemed the most avid promoters of the new fashion on
Monday as they strolled through Jerusalem's downtown mall with
their gas masks. It was their second day back in school since the
onset of the Persian Gulf war.
Rachel Amir, 16, had decorated her box in white with
multicolored triangles. She said most of her classmates no longer
carried the boring, light-brown boxes.
``The color makes it prettier to look at, nicer to carry around
with you all the time," said Rachel. ``This all seems so unreal,
carrying around this gas mask and everything."
Since war broke out Jan. 17, Iraq has launched seven barrages of
missiles at the Jewish state. Although all carried conventional
warheads, Israelis now carry their masks everywhere in line with
government warnings.
Kobi, 17, pasted a collage of football players and political
cartoons onto his gas mask box. One cartoon showed an evil Saddam
Hussein poised with a Scud missile over President Bush and Prime
Minister Yitzhak Shamir.
Younger children shopped with their parents, carrying boxes
covered with bright construction paper, colored ribbons, silver and
gold tinsel, or crayon pictures of their homes, pets and dreams.
A woman, who gave her name only as Adina, was in a stationary
store, buying paste-on stickers of smiley-faces, animals and
flowers for the gas-mask boxes of her three small grandchildren.
``I need a lot so that every time the siren goes off they can
stick another one on. Maybe it will make it easier for them to use
the masks," she said.
Some children are frightened by the black rubber masks, and it
can be struggle for parents to persuade them to put on the masks.
Children are decorating the masks themselves as well as the
boxes. But the practice is not limited to youngsters.
One man in Tel Aviv said he had added ears to his mask and
written across the forehead ``Let me out!"
Some women were seen to have put colored paper around the boxes
so they matched the day's outfit, and one Tel Aviv company
advertised ``colorful" plastic boxes to replace the cardboard
ones. Price: $9.
On Jerusalem's Jaffa Road, Miriam Silverman, 30, sported a box
painted in red, white and blue, with a silver skull on one side and
the name ``Saddam" set amid a gold Jewish star on the other.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 17:43:04 PDT
From: kds@blabla.intel.com (Ken Shoemaker)
Subject: Just tell me, how weird do you want to be?
To: rsk@hazel.circ.upenn.edu, spaf
January 20, 1991
WHERE THERE'S AN ILL WILL, THERE'S A WAY
Samuel Santiago, 18, confined to within 100 feet of his home in Chicago
through an electronic monitoring device on his ankle as a result of a
conviction for auto theft, was charged in November with murder and robbery
during a pizza delivery next door.
For 732 criminal counts of driving his Volkswagen across neighbors' yards in
Torrance, Jonathan Shane Allabaugh, 21, was ordered by Municipal Judge
Benjamin Aranda to leave town. In he ever returned, Aranda said he would
put him in jail for "up to" 275 years.
In June, three days after their wedding, Milford Jackson (a Detroit Pistons
fan) and his wife (a Portland Trailblazers fan) argued during the basketball
playoffs. She ordered him out of their Long Beach house, but he returned a
short time later to set their garage on fire, causing $20,000 damage.
Boynton Beach, Fla., police charged Mary Grieco, 48, and her daughter with
the murder of Mary's husband, Joe, 52, because he was "miserable" and wanted
to watch TV all the time. Mary said they had tried to kill Joe several
times via poison and contemplated a car explosion as well. Finally they
shot him on the night of Aug. 9, while he lay snoring in front of the TV.
Mary originally reported the shooting as a suicide, but police were
suspicious because suicidal people don't usually take naps before trying to
kill themselves.
In October, former Morgan County, Ind., welfare caseworker Rosemarie
Leitzell, 52, was up for sentencing for having embezzled more than $600,000
from the county. She told Judge James Harris she was sorry and recited a
poem: "So you've heard it all, Judge/I'm not slime and not sludge/As I stand
before you with my friends/It is true I am living the worst of my fears/But
perhaps you agree with these friends here with me/That I shouldn't be send
up for years." (She got 14)
Julie Longwell, 22, said in September that the baby she conceived in March
was fathered by George Gilmore, who was executed in Potosi, Mo., in August.
Longwell said she and Gilmore had had sex in a visiting room just out of the
guards' sight. A spokesman for the Department of Corrections said it is
"conceivable there could have been a minute when nobody was watching. It
would have to be so quick." She didn't publicize the tryst while Gilmore
was alive because she said she didn't want him to get in trouble.
In September, Maria Terwin, arguing her case in a hearing before a Berkeley
Springs, W.Va., magistrate that her apartment was uninhabitable, dumped
"thousands" of cockroaches onto the floor of the courtroom.
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
In September, Judge Kenneth Leffler of Sanford, Fla., rejected as too harsh
a plea bargain in which Mark Edward McCulloch would agree to serve 4 1/2
years in prison for the rape of a 40-year-old woman. Leffler sentenced
McCulloch to two years' probation, calling the jail term a "miscarriage of
justice," in that the victim was so "pitiful" that McCulloch "deserves some
consideration" for being "so stupid (as) to take up with (her)."
A Norristown, Pa., woman reported in July that when she opened a package of
disposable diapers she had just purchased, she found a handwritten note
accusing her of ignoring the message of Earth Day and reading, "You must be
punished. Your baby must suffocate and die." Police reported that "many"
consumer products in the area had been similarly tampered with.
Alfred Merhan, 45, completed his second year recently as a resident of
Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. He arrived in 1988 on a two-day trip
but without a passport or visa. (He said his Iranian passport was
confiscated when he took part in an anti-Shah demonstration in 1975 and that
other travel documents were stolen from him.) Airport employees bring him
food and newspapers, and he passes the time studying economics.
An employee of the Sands Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, eating in the
casino cafeteria last summer, found a piece of flesh in a sandwich and
turned it over to medical examiners, who reported later it was from the
penis of either a human or a small animal.
January 27, 1991
PRISONER OF HIS OWN CONVICTIONS
Convicted robber Ferdinand Reynolds, an inmate at Folsom State Prison, wrote
Sacramento police in October asking that they charge him with any unsolved
crimes still on the books. Wrote Reynolds, "I am trying to be the first man
in the history of America to ever get 5000 years in prison, and I want you
to please help me out." He included a description of himself, with the
words, "If he (the suspect) looks like me then charge me for the crime."
BRAVE NEW WORLD
Among the inventions at the Monroeville Expo Mart near Pittsburgh last year
were golf shoes with technique pointers stitched across the toes; a
pre-knotted silk tie that slips on and off via a zipper; and, from the
Japanese inventor of the digital watch, a seaweed compound labeled as "brain
food" that supposedly guarantees clear thinking, and an engine run from tap
water that supposedly produces three times the power of a gasoline engine.
An industry analyst says supermarket carts will soon be equipped with 6 by
8-inch video monitors that will beam ads for nearby products based on the
customer's location in the store. And Texaco announced last year that it
would soon introduce video monitors at gas pumps, with a capacity of about
10 messages per fill-up.
Young, fashion-conscious Japanese men and women have been wearing replicas
of the sheepskin flight jackets worn by U.S. pilots during World War II,
some complete with the insignia of the squadron that bombed Hiroshima and
Nagasaki.
Taking the lead of a 7-Eleven owner in Victoria, British Columbia, several
convenience stores in the United States and Canada have tried playing
"elevator music" in their stores in an attempt to repel teen-agers who hang
out there.
In June, Taiwan's coast guard seized a smuggler's ship filled with 30 tons
of contraband rooster testicles and cow innards, destined for the country's
restaurants, whose owners say available testicles and innards are too
expensive.
Japan's Housing and Urban Development Corp. announced recently that an
apartment (819 square feet and a minute's walk to a train station 30 minutes
from downtown Tokyo) attracted a record 8265 bids when it was placed on the
market. It was expected to sell for more than $300,000.
BE A SPORT
In June, Swedish golfer Mikael Krantz, fresh from a drinking binge the night
before, teed off in the third round of the Irish Open, but his first swing
caused him to lose his balance. He pitched forward, dragging his caddy and
a tournament official to the ground and stunning spectators. He hit his
second shot into an adjacent bay.
Evergreen Foundation, an organization of "former" homosexuals and their
supporters, sponsored a conference last April on "curing" homosexuality
through sports. President Alan Seegmiller said participation in
"traditional masculine activities" such as basketball and softball would
"heal the inner child of the past." Seegmiller said some men, as an
alternative, took training as auto mechanics.
Marge Schott, owner of the world champion Cincinnati Reds, said last year
that she forces her team's manager, Lou Piniella, to rub her pet Saint
Bernard before each home game for good luck and that for road games, she
sends bags of the dog's hair to Piniella's hotel room.
Among the participants in October's Asian Games were a 97-pound Chinese
woman who can lift more than twice her weight in barbells; a 7-foot, 7-inch
North Korean basketball player who has a full-time guide to help prevent him
from bumping his head; and six Iranian women who compete in sharpshooting
while covered from head to toe in traditional black robes.
South Korean officials were investigating more than 200 golfers who, during
a massive regional cleanup effort after a September flood, defied government
admonitions and played golf, sometimes hitting shots while standing
alongside cleanup workers.
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jan 91 03:55:20 GMT
Subject: Mortified Matchmakers Love Questionairre
Newsgroups: rec.humor
It's something we do every year that most people think is funny or strange or
both. You can take it if you want to. We really do give you a result sheet
matching you up with people if you do it. If you're not in college and want to
take it just put down the major you took (or other if not listed) and put
something like finished for the university space.
- Trevor Lohrbeer
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please send all answers to: Mortified Matchmaker's
211 Bray Hall
Commons Mailroom, RPI
Troy, NY 12180-3590
or e-mail them to: tlohrb@pawl24.pawl.rpi.edu
From: tlohrb@itsgw.rpi.edu (Trevor Wolfgang Lohrbeer)
Path: tlohrb
You'll get your results soon after St. Valentine's Day.
Multiple answers and written in answers are okay.
Mortified Matchmakers Love Questionairre III
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Collegiate Version
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name:
University:
1. Sex:
a) Male b) Male - I think
c) Female d) Only on a waterbed
e) It f) Only on a slab
g) Other h) All of the above
2. I chase:
a) Guys (I'm stupid)
b) Girls (I'm really stupid)
c) Both (I'm indecisive)
d) Neither (I'm dead)
e) Cars, sticks, and small blue rubber toys (I'm a dog)
f) Inanimate objects (I'm not really motivated)
g) Not sure (I'm confused)
3. Century of Birth:
a) 0th Century (Jesus Christ Groupie)
b) 8th Century (Atila the Hun Groupie)
c) 13th Century (Schizophrenic Alien Groupie)
d) 15th Century (Michael Angelo Groupie)
e) 19th Century (Abe Lincoln Groupie)
f) 20th Century (Simpsons Groupie)
g) 23rd Century (Star Trek: The Next Generation of Groupies)
h) 25th Century (Buck Rogers Groupie)
4. Religion:
a) Ancient Egyptian (Horus, Iris, etc.)
b) Ancient Greek (Zeus and those all-star Olympians)
c) Ancient Roman (Ancient Greek with the names changed)
d) Old Pagan (The original religion)
e) Roman Catholic (Old Pagan with the names changed)
f) Ancient Roman Catholic (Biggest money maker in Europe)
g) Jewish (Still waiting for the Saviour. Stupid)
h) Lutheran (Saw him. Missed him. Waiting again. Even
stupider)
i) Unitarian (Open to all religions)
j) Old Religion (Modern Pagan)
k) Atheist (Optimistic)
l) Agnostic (Indecisive)
m) Protestant (So many of them, and they all know The Truth)
n) Hindu (Religion most probable to turn out to be the One
True Religion)
o) Martian ('Thou art god.')
5. Style of Eyebrows:
a) Unibrow (Bert)
b) Bushy Brow (Groucho Marx)
c) Vee Brow (Witch of the West)
d) Owls Perched on Forehead Brow (Albert Einstein)
e) Painted-On Brow (Tammy Fay Bakker)
f) No Brow (Pink Floyd)
6. Part I - I wear the following scent:
a) Poison (not the group)
b) Manure (bad advertising scheme)
c) Santa Fe (not the railroad)
d) Eau de Toilette (Ah, the fragrance)
e) Drakkar Noir (Damn French names)
f) Liz Taylor's Obsession
g) Willie Nelson's Armpit
h) Albert Einstein's Inspiration (99% perspiration)
i) Opus' Cod-Head
j) Nothing (I'm European)
k) Other (Please state)
Part II - I like my dates to wear the following scent:
a) Poison b) Manure
c) Santa Fe d) Eau de Toilette
e) Drakkar Noir f) Obsession
g) Armpit h) Inspiration
i) Cod-Head j) Nothing
k) Other
7. Part I - I weigh about the same as:
a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
b) A Pringle
c) A feather
d) Barry Manilow
e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
g) An average person
h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
i) Two average people grafted together
j) A large land mammal
k) A cement mixer
l) The Stealth Bomber
m) North America
n) A teaspoon full of black hole
Part II - I like my dates to weigh about the same as:
a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
b) A Pringle
c) A feather
d) Barry Manilow
e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
g) An average person
h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
i) Two average people grafted together
j) A large land mammal
k) A cement mixer
l) The Stealth Bomber
m) North America
n) A teaspoon full of black hole
8. Part I - My hair is usually:
a) Short and neat (standard for men)
b) Long and neat (standard for women)
c) Short and unkempt (slob)
d) Long and unkempt (metal head)
e) Spiked (with hairspray)
f) Really spiked (with egg whites)
g) Incredibly spiked (with wood grain)
h) Cut with a bowl on my head (Navy cut)
i) Coated with three cans of hairspray (High hair)
j) Seen strolling in Peru with Imelda Marcos (?)
k) In a Pompadour (Who are you, Elvis?)
l) In an Afro (Why?)
m) In a toupee (usually purple)
n) Permed (chemical warfare in my hair)
o) Missing (bald)
p) Other (Please state [not that we'll enter it in])
Part II - I like my date to have hair that is usually:
a) Short and neat b) Long and neat
c) Short and unkempt d) Long and unkempt
e) Spiked f) Really spiked
g) Incredibly spiked h) Cut with a bowl
i) Coated with hairspray j) Seen strolling in Peru
k) In a Pompadour l) In an Afro
m) A toupee n) Permed
o) Missing p) Other
9. Part I - Favourite Pickup Line (To pick someone else up with):
a) "Hi, I'm from another planet. Want a ride in my
spaceship?"
b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but I followed you home
from the library, stole the envelope that guaranteed you
one million dollars, looked up your address and phone
number in the phone book (using good ole Ed McMahon as a
guide), prank called you to make sure you were home, and
came straight over here."
c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?
d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name in the obituaries."
e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
f) "How would you like to be whipped, chained, and beaten
till every bone in your body aches with pain?"
g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than the sun setting
behind the trees on a cool spring day."
h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
i) "What's your sign?"
Part II - Favourite Pickup Line (To be picked up with):
a) "Hi, I'm from another planet....."
b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but....."
c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?"
d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name...."
e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
f) "How would you like to be whipped...."
g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than..."
h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
i) "What's your sign?"
10. Part I - I would describe myself to be most like:
a) Doctor Frankenfurter (Anything human [Fashionable
Dresser])
b) Catherine the Great (Anything that moves)
c) Madonna (Anything)
d) Charles Mansion ('It was a mercy killing.')
e) Tom Cruise (sexually appealing actor)
f) Rosanne Barr (nonsexually appealing actress)
g) Lady Jane
h) Leonardo Da Vinci (creative genius)
i) Donald Trump (Rich. We mean really rich. We're talking
clams the size of Manhattan here. Got it.)
j) God (Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnibenevolent. All in one
bottle)
k) Myself (Really unique bore [Can't you think of anyone
else?])
l) Someone else (Really boring bore [No, I can't.])
m) Other (Please state)
Part II -I would most like to date someone like:
a) Doctor Frankenfurter (I like transvestites)
b) Catherine the Great (I don't mind what people do in the
privacy of their own stable)
c) Madonna (Okay. I go cheap. So what?)
d) Charles Mansion (I like homicidal killers)
e) Tom Cruise (Who wouldn't?)
f) Rosanne Barr (Cough. Cough! Aiagh! What?!?)
g) Lady Jane (I'm always fancied nobility)
h) Leonardo Da Vinci (I like creative people)
i) Donald Trump (Just to marry them and get a divorce)
j) God (I like the powerful domineering type)
k) Myself (A bit egocentric, aren't we?)
l) Someone else (Don't like ourself?)
m) Other (Please state)
11. Part I - My current major is:
a) Art (No, we are NOT all gay, thank you!)
b) Philosophy (If I didn't exist, would I be able to
contemplate the existence of my non-existence?)
c) Math (One plus one equals three. See, no calculator!)
d) Physics (Head in the Clouds Syndrome)
e) Biology (Open up dead animals and try to figure out how
they work)
f) Chemistry (Playing with chemistry sets all day. Kind of
childish really)
g) Medicine (Want to become rich and screw people all day)
h) Law (Want to become REALLY rich and REALLY screw people)
i) Communication (Uh. Agh. Duh. Um. Hgh. Pffft!)
j) English (They've been speaking it all their life and
STILL they don't get it)
k) Drama (So they're qualified to star in Cheerio
commercials)
l) Music (Learn how to write music that doesn't require
lip-syncing)
m) Mechanical Engineering (Learn how to build stuff that
doesn't work)
n) Civil Engineering (The "Social" Engineers. [oxymoron])
o) Environmental Engineering (Learn how to design
biospheres)
p) Electrical Engineering (They design what the Japanese
build)
q) Computer Science (Life consists of Star Trek, Role
Playing Games, and telecommunication services: "Geeks")
r) Computer Engineering (EE and Comp Sci wannabes. Can't
decide which though)
s) Management (For when you can't make it in anything else)
t) Architecture (It's a whole nother sub-culture out there,
kind of like Kowforn [California])
u) Archeology (Graveyard fanatics who like digging up
decayed dead people)
v) History (To learn from our mistakes, then to make them
again so we can learn more)
w) Foreign Language (Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Parles-vous
francais? Hablas espanol?)
x) Teaching (Teaching what? Hamster/Zebra mating techniques?)
y) Other (Too many majors to list them all you know...)
z) None (Undecided, confused people. If you're Liberal Arts,
pick this option)
Part II - I would like my date to have a major of:
a) Art b) Philosophy
c) Math d) Physics
e) Biology f) Chemistry
g) Medicine h) Law
i) Communication j) English
k) Drama l) Music
m) Mechanical Engineering n) Civil Engineering
o) Environmental Engineering p) Electrical Engineering
q) Computer Science r) Computer Engineering
s) Management t) Architecture
u) Archeology v) History
w) Foreign Language x) Teaching
y) Other z) None
12. Favourite Thing to Watch on TV:
a) The Simpsons (high intellect cartoons)
b) The Dan Quayle Show (low intellect cartoons)
c) The Weather Channel (Do you really care about the weather
in Malta?)
d) Tiny Toon Adventures (Do you know about the mystery
credit?)
e) The Pat Sajak Show (What kind of loser are you?)
f) MTV (Commercials 24 hours a day with some music in
between)
g) CNN (Is there really that much news in the world?)
h) Univision (No hablo espanol)
i) Static (I love to watch it snow)
j) Two flies mating on the screen (Pitiful)
k) Blank screen (Imagination)
13. The majority of my clothes are:
a) Torn b) Stolen
c) Skirts d) Black
e) From K-Mart f) My mother's
g) Made by my mother h) See through
i) Leather j) Colour coordinated
k) On loan l) Someone else's
m) Filled with burrs n) Borrowed from the costume
o) Other closet
14. Worst Nightmare:
a) Your mother deciding to go back to college just as you
are entering it and applying to the same ones as you.
b) Every bone in your body pulled out one by one with ice
cold pliers, no anesthesia.
c) Sharing an elevator with a trio of Rosanne Barrs singing
naked (not a freight elevator either).
d) Waking up on a snooker table with a high school student
and not knowing what state you're in.
e) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
to do to get this score).
f) Other (Please don't state, we don't want to hear it).
15. Wildest Dream:
a) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
to do to get this score).
b) Being stranded on an island with 359 beautiful women (or
georgeous men, depending upon your preferences), a case
of condoms and a waterbed.
c) To be a guest host on Wheel of Fortune.
d) To nuke Canada as a joke and tell them the Dutch did it.
e) To die.
f) (Write own sex fantasy here).
g) Other
16. Things that really turn me off include:
a) Other people (anti-social)
b) The opposite sex (anti-sexual)
c) My own sex (anti-homosexual?)
d) Sex (A bit religious, are we?)
e) Blisters gushing pus (Reasonable, I guess)
f) Partners over a foot taller than myself
g) Crucifixion (Painful, unless you're into S & M)
h) 2 inch long nose hair (Or worse yet, ear hair)
i) Ivan Boesky (Well, I can understand)
17. Which of the following is most important to you?
a) Sex (average teen)
b) Religion (missionary/Jesus Christ freak)
c) Your right arm (with your right arm, who needs sex?)
d) Hostess Ding-Dongs (food fanatic)
e) Twin Peaks (suicidal homicidal soap opera freak)
f) Bourbon (drunk)
g) This survey (poor sod)
h) Clean laundry (overzealous maid)
i) Blood (ROTC/army type)
j) Peace (coming back into style hippie)
k) The physical laws governing the universe (over focused
physicisicist)
18. My room includes:
a) A waterbed with dark satin black covers.
b) A lava lamp and a snooker table.
c) Several months worth of dirty laundry piled atop several
more months of stinking dirty laundry.
d) A half eaten Twinkie that's been under my bed since 1983.
e) An underwear collection of someone else's underwear.
f) 173 pairs of socks (randomly strewn across the room)
g) A small but intensely powerful black hole.
h) A lot of small blue rubber things.
i) Ravenous wolves (It's a pain keeping it clean, believe
me)
j) Kuwait (Kind of puts an interesting spin on the Nightly
News, doesn't it?)
k) A cardboard box, an alley, lower Manhattan.
l) Mirrors on the ceiling (He, he, he, he)
m) Nothing at all whatsoever (Vacuum)
19. Favourite Type of Nut:
a) Ywebred b) Tasty Kind c) Round Kind
d) Pistachio e) Other Kind f) Hazel
g) 3 1/4 inch h) Bonified i) Harry Fishnut
j) Male k) Peanuts l) Almond
m) Cashews n) Hazelnut o) Salty
p) An editor nut q) Purebred r) Filberts
s) Macadamia t) Makadamion u) Makadamia
v) Just a plain nut
w) Other (Please state)
20. If I was King For A Day, the first thing I would do is:
a) Bomb Iraq
b) Bomb France
c) Bomb everywhere, indiscriminately
d) Declare this "National Utilize Your Orifices Day"
e) Make an executive order to have Vanna White, Howie
Mandel, and the vice-king put to death for treason
f) Use the army to kick the Hell out of those losers in
Canada
g) Tax everyone; retire
h) Reinstate the secret police system
i) Throw out the constitution and replace it with Weekly
World News Year in Review
j) Wake up, take a shower
21. If I was stranded on a desert island, the one thing I would
want is:
a) A boat (Practical, aren't we?)
b) Bayer aspirin (9 out of 10 doctors preferred)
c) A suspension bridge (Beats a boat)
d) A wild pack of ravenous wolves (Need some excitement)
e) A thermos (?)
f) A gorgeous member of the opposite sex (Watch Blue Lagoon
too often, eh?)
g) A nuclear device
h) A stake through the heart (Whatever turns you on)
22. The statement which best summarizes my attitude towards life
is:
a) Aaarrrgh!
b) Aaaiieee (slightly different, more fear)
c) Where's my goddamn Twin Peaks?!
d) Lick me.
e) I never knew odour could be so interesting.
f) Do you want to learn how to drive the big rigs?
g) Good Lord! I'm on fire!
h) Peace in the Middle East!
i) I'm a lawyer. AND a chiropractor.
j) I want to marry someone rich and powerful who will take
care of me for the rest of my life.
k) My life is a meaningless shithole (Thank you, Jean-Paul
Sartre)
l) I love myself.
m) I love myself, except when my arm gets stuck in the
garbage disposal.
n) Ignore the grease stains.
o) Recycle damnit.
p) Wear a smile as your umbrella.
q) Shut your mouth or I'll shut it FOR you.
r) Jesus saves.
23. Are you going to purgatory? (We had to do it).
a) I might stop by on my way to heaven.
b) I might stop by on my way to hell.
c) Not this year, thank you. Maybe next year I'll stop by
on my way to Bermuda. [The "Purgatory? What's that?"
option]
d) Going?!? I LIVE there.
e) Nah, I hate high altitudes.
f) This is beginning to become a really lame question and I
refuse to answer it. Who are you guys, some whacked out
Dante fans? [Yes.]
24. Ancestry:
a) American Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Americans)
b) Indian Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Britons)
c) German (Absolutely a fabulously great ultimate thing to
be [And so we wonder some more, is this test still biased
-- damn straight!])
d) French (And you ADMIT it?)
e) English (Give us our land back, you damn Indians)
f) Scottish (What exactly DO you have under those things?)
g) Welsh (Are you real?)
h) Irish (No Idaho Instant Mashed Potatoes here)
i) Italian (Can you cook ANYTHING without using that damn
pasta?)
j) Swedish (We're going to PUMP, you up)
k) Russian (When will you learn to write an N the right way
round?)
l) Spanish (And God said to Spain, go and populate South
America)
m) Greek (You're father being in a fraternity does not count
for this one)
n) Iranian (Terrorism. It's not just a job. It's a
profession)
o) Oriental (Sorry, we can't tell you apart)
p) European (Oops. We can't tell you apart either)
q) Chinese (Land of the Oriental Communists)
r) Japanese (Land of the Oriental Capitalists)
s) Korean (Not Chinese. Not Japanese. Must be Korean)
t) Maltese (Just kidding)
u) African (Never mind, I KNOW what you guys have under
those things)
v) Antarctican (Some of my best friends are penguins. Some
of my best penguins are friends.)
w) Martian (Martian! Martian! Doesn't anyone come from
Saturn anymore?)
x) Saturnian (Secret Martian wannabes)
y) Tellus Tertian (Schizophrenic aliens popping up
everywhere?)
z) Other (Heh, didn't we cover pretty much everyone?)
Apologies
~~~~~~~~~
We apologise to all users of this test for the appalling use
of Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland. It is quite untrue that one
night while he was sleeping we snuck into his room, put him under
anesthesia, opened him up, and actually weighed it. All rumours
that it was .365 pounds are totally false. Apologies are
extended to Barry Manilow for using him as weight
standards. But think about it this way, someday, millions of
years in the future someone will be saying, yeah, I only weigh
one and a half Manilows (Okay, it IS a pretty scary thought).
We must of course apologise to Malta for laughing that it was
even a real country. So sorry. Apologies to all those who
didn't get their nut in the last nut question, it should be in
there now. Especial apologies to Kim Morris who's filbert nut
has been sitting around waiting to be added for quite a while.
Finally, apologies to the Welsh for laughing at their country
too and to anyone else we may have offended either on purpose
or by accident.
Thanks & Acknowledgements
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We extend our gracious thanks to the following people.
Trevor Lohrbeer for creating Mortified Matchmaker's, the NSSP,
and all that other mayhem you've been dealing with for oh so
long. Jeremy P. Bushnell and Stephen Colella for helping in the
writing and dreaming up of a lot of these questions. Jennifer
King for helping on the pickup lines, the perfumes, and various
questions I can't remember. Kim Morris for bugging me oh so
often to put in filberts. There in. Satisfied. Joseph Melillo
for existing for me to ridicule so I could dream up categories
for this year's Mortified Matchmaker's. Without him I would have
said forget it. Thanks to all those who supported this thing
through the three years and to all those who didn't. Join the
National Society of Strange People (NSSP) today [Contact Trevor
Lohrbeer at the above mentioned address (first page) for more
information] and support strangeness in America and all over the
world. Creative people Unite!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 10:43:37 PST
From: lsc@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: one shtep ahead...
____________________________________________________________________________
___ _____ ___
/ \ | | | | | | | | | / \
| | | |\ | |\ | | | | |
\___ | | | \ | | \ | |___ | | \___
\ | | | \ | | \ | | \ / \
| | | | \| | \| | \ /\ / |
\___/ \____/ | | | | |____ \/ \/ \___/
____________________________________________________________________________
November 8, 1990
YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as
much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value
of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn
burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It
sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking
services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we
know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its
class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the
typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest
service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 91 10:17:13 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it.
-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 16:57:47 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Redefining "bad idea"
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No, you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jan 91 08:00:43 GMT
From: mol@tukki.jyu.fi (Mika Latokartano)
Subject: Top Ten Excuses for Not Doing the Homework
Newsgroups: rec.humor
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE HOMEWORK
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't
actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or
i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent
the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
this morning I couldn't find it.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------