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Yucks Digest V5 #20 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 12 Jul 95 Volume 5 : Issue 20
Today's Topics:
"The blame for filth"
*Every* individual parrot? "Pining for the fjords"....
... but a doctor and crisis group accompanied the aircraft
.signature of the day
[KShip75021@aol.com: Alien poop]
A new twist on an old tale.
Another SPAM delight
beware of programmers with screwdrivers.....
Business Opportunity
Causes of the Civil War
defiNETions
echo '$a' | adb
Film festival
FW: Humor: Bus Wreck (For Yucks)
Geographic mishap of the day.
Graduation day.
Happy Landings, Shamu
information superhighway anagrams
Jay Leno on Michael Jackson
JOTD
jumping cables
Looking for Source Code copyright statements
Maybe aliens will write the checks?
More on Pocahontas
My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)
Object Oriented COBOL
Offered in poor taste
POTD
Proof that *everybody* has a web page.
QOTD (4 msgs)
Setting realistic expectations
Souvenir of Shanghai
The Bill Clinton Story
The devil, meanwhile...
The officer was not in uniform at the time of the incident.
Those expecting good service.
True Airline Ticket Agent Story
U. C. Search Committee Glossary
Vernon distraught...
We count 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F 'round these parts...
Words to live by...
yucks submission...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 26 Jun 1995 15:58:19 GMT
From: tim@banquo.csp.ee.memphis.edu (Tim Wilson)
Subject: "The blame for filth"
Newsgroups: soc.motss
>From the "Letters" (to the editor) of the Memphis _Commercial_Appeal_,
today, 26 June 1995.
THE BLAME FOR FILTH
To the Commercial Appeal:
Hollywood is not to be blamed for the filth and trash shown
on our screens. Hollywood shows only what viewers want to
see. Since the Supreme Court outlawed Christianity, national
morals have declined to where the United States has none.
That explains why _Roseanne_ with its filth and trash could
be No. 1 on the TV. Every other line is "oh my god."
Michael Jackson with all his makeup can be a superstar even
though he can't sing. For all her actions, Tonya Harding can
be a hero....[ellipsis was there in the paper] The United
States needs to wake up. However, there is still hope as
long as we have young men like Capt. Scott O'Grady.
[name]
Memphis
(For its many faults, the _CA_ does have the wonderful habit of
publishing great foaming-at-the-mouth letters. Christianity outlawed?!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 1995 09:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: *Every* individual parrot? "Pining for the fjords"....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Canadian World Parrot Trust
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
A conservation organization devoted exclusively to the survival
of parrot species in the wild, as well as the welfare of every
individual parrot.
http://wchat.on.ca/parrot/cwparrot.htm
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 17:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... but a doctor and crisis group accompanied the aircraft
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Yerkes" <yerkes_chuck@jpmorgan.com>
STOCKHOLM, June 28 (Reuter) - A Swedish jet carrying
passengers from Stockholm to London was forced to make an
emergency landing on Tuesday when a bread roll became lodged in
the cooling fan of an on-board oven, news agency TT reported on
Wednesday.
The aircraft made an undramatic landing at Gothenburg
airport after the forward section of the cabin filled with
smoke.
Passengers evacuated the plane via emergency chutes since
the aircraft, a Transwede Fokker 100, had no escape ladder.
No-one was hurt, TT reported, but a doctor and crisis group
accompanied the aircraft on its onward flight to London to
soothe the nerves of the troubled passengers.
[That's them sissy Swedes. In Chicago, we blow off the doors
of our commuter planes, and have the passengers grab the flight
attendants to keep them from flying out. Then we don't even
give them free drink coupons, let alonge a crisis group. hah!
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 13:53:43 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: .signature of the day
To: yucks, yucks@ucsd.UCSD.EDU
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is
deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Jul 1995 17:17:22 -0700
From: Jay Vosburgh <fubar@sequent.com>
Subject: [KShip75021@aol.com: Alien poop]
To: spaf
I was cleaning out some old mail and came across this message
that I received a couple months ago. It's not clear from the headers
whether you also got a copy; if not, then I apologize for having
withheld this vital information for so long.
I was unaware of your status as an expert on alien poop;
clearly your fame and fortune are well earned.
------- Forwarded Message
From: KShip75021@aol.com
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 16:30:22 -0400
Message-Id: <950510163013_113994806@aol.com>
To: fubar@gateway.sequent.com
Subject: Alien poop
Dear Gene Spafford, 5/10/95
I came across your article on alien poop. A friend of mine was over and
said that her parents found something of what you described on some clothes
that was hanging outside. They live in a remote area in Morocco Indiana. They
saved the articles of clothing. They called the airlines thinking that it
might be something that was dropped from an airplane. They were told that
where they live there was no air traffic. This took place the week of may 1,
1995.
------- End of Forwarded Message
[This is in reference to a Yucks posting in October of 1990 (yes, Yucks has been
around for a while!). --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 1995 13:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A new twist on an old tale.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: jns@inoms.bellcore.com (Jesse N. Schell)
Someone once asked me if there was any real difference between engineers,
scientists, and managers in today's high tech companies. Although the
differences are often subtle to an outsider, you can tell one from another
simply by the questions they ask.
Engineering: "How will this work?"
Science: "Why will this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
And in today's technological environment, this is often followed by:
Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Jul 1995 09:45:35 CDT
From: Michael Cook <mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com>
Subject: Another SPAM delight
To: SPAF
Warning: This humor may be upsetting to Hawaiians, Mobile Home residents,
Japanese food lovers, and/or the Hormel Company.
Sometime in the past few days I heard a report on National Public
Radio about the popularity of SPAM in Hawaii. One of the favorite
ways to serve SPAM there is to put a slice (heated or unheated was
unclear to me) of SPAM on a bed of rice and wrap it in nori (dried
seaweed wrappers).
I told my wife about this, and she remarked "Oh! That sounds like
'Trailer Court Sushi'!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 12:29:16 -0400
From: mo@uunet.uu.net (Mike O'Dell)
Subject: beware of programmers with screwdrivers.....
To: spaf
the only thing more dangerous than a programmer with a soldering iron
is
a hardware designer with a coding pad
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jun 1995 19:31:28 -0400
From: dkatsules@aol.com (DKatsules)
Subject: Business Opportunity
Newsgroups: sdnet.wanted
I've got bunch of cash just sitting around for a rip-off. I think I've
got a couple of mil just taking up space. Take it from me. Thanks for
this opportunity.
[See? The net is good for business! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 15:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Causes of the Civil War
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Forwarded-by: funny@clari.net.
From: jsast@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Johann)
This was heard during a pledge break on our Public TV station WQED-TV
Pittsburgh during a recent showing of the documentary "The Civil War".
"...and we'd especially like to thank all of our members
who right now feel very proud to know that it was
people like themselves who made the Civil War happen..."
I'm not sure whether to agree or disagree...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: defiNETions
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
From: connolly@w3.org
To: html-wg@oclc.org
NETSCAPISM /net-'sca-,pi-z*m/ n (1995): habitual diversion of the mind
to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from
the realization that the Internet was built by and for someone else.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 07:00:54 -0500
From: Jonathan Sergent <jsergent@expert.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: echo '$a' | adb
To: spaf
Well, on expert.cc, it says,
'No algol 68 on VAX'.
Which is strange, since it's a Sequent running Dynix.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 01 Jul 1995 10:14:48 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Film festival
To: spaf
Chicago, Illinois:
Film critic Roger Ebert has reported on the popular
Japanese animated film "Pompoko," which features a
family of cute, badger-like animals -- and Ebert
predicts it won't succeed here in America.
The badgers' secret weapon is an ability to make their
testicles grow large so they can crush opponents.
Said a Japanese film fan: "The Japanese are more open
about bodily parts." Kids in Japan find the secret
weapon "hilarious."
[Actually, it sounds kinda like some Senators... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Jul 95 10:19:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <dkw0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: FW: Humor: Bus Wreck (For Yucks)
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 07:31:20 +0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@NS.EMASS.COM>
Subject: Humor: Bus Wreck
Last night, I was walking home from the grocery store and I noticed
that the traffic was backed up as if an accident was blocking the
road.
Sure enough, the Metro #73 had managed to skid on the slushy street
as it was trying to turn a corner and had scored a direct hit on a
steel traffic light pole. This was a one-vehicle accident, so it
was obvious who was at fault for it.
Anyway, right after I walked passed the scene of the accident, the
driver's window opened and a mostly-eaten apple sailed out of it.
I was wondering what on earth was going on, when I looked up and
noticed a message scrolling across the green dot-matrix display
that normally displays the route number and destination:
BUS ERROR (CORE DUMPED)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 08:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Geographic mishap of the day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From a draft of the HTML 3.0 spec section on the "A" element
(hypertext link):
For example, the following paragraph is defined as an anchor
named "potomac":
<P ID="potomac">The Potomac river flows into Boston harbour,
and played an important role in opening up the hinterland
to early settlers...
Elsewhere, you can define a link to this paragraph, as follows:
<A HREF="#potomac">Boston</A> is a historic city and
a thriving center of commerce and higher education.
The reader can select the link labelled "Boston" to see further
information on the Boston area.
(NOTE: I think the editor of the spec is British, not North American.)
[I dunno. Based on the average knowledge of some of our undergrads, I
wouldn't be at all surprised if it was a native US person. Or someone
from a bordering country, like New Mexico. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 14:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Graduation day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
From: Resorcerer@aol.com <Doug McKenna>
Here's a Colorado joke (can be ported to other State University rivalries):
It's graduation day at the University of Nebraska. The president is up
on the podium passing out diplomas, and suddenly a chant arises:
"Let Bubba Graduate!" "Let Bubba Graduate!" "Let Bubba Graduate!"
Finally, it gets so loud that the president has to stop what he's doing.
He says, "Okay, okay. Bubba! Stand up!"
Bubba stands up.
"Bubba, what is 9 times 9?" asks the president.
Bubba scratches his head, turns and looks around, then says meekly, "81".
The president smiles and prepares to give Bubba his diploma, when a new
chant arises from the crowd:
"Give him another chance!" "Give him another chance!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 10:35:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Happy Landings, Shamu
To: spaf (Yucks List)
Regarding Happy Landings narcotic bird seed:
From: mterril@nyc.pipeline.com (M.L. Leinneweber)
Newsgroups: rec.birds
Subject: Danger to Wild Birds
Date: 9 Jun 1995 08:02:01 -0400
I don't want to point out the obvious, but this puts the birds' survival at
severe risk from predators -- raptors, cats, dogs, people, foxes, coyotes,
etc.
Since I've been using Happy Landings (TM?) bird seed in my 1/8 acre
yard (mostly house) here in downtown Austin, there has been a marked
decrease in the number of pigeons and jays (notoriously endangered
species). On the other hand, we have had an increase in (in order):
cats
dogs
coyotes
mountain lions
kodiak bears
hunters
raptors
roadkill
The roadkill has attracted lots of bugs, which have attracted lots
of birds. I can't get rid of them, and I'm having to hunt them
daily. I've escalated from an air pistol to a machine gun to a
fully-automatic shotgun to C4 plastic explosive. But we just end
up with an even busier cycle of the animals noted above.
I finally hit on a solution. I got into a race with a guy from
the Oregon DOT. We raced backwards down highways in California
with glasses of Extract of Lotus Essence Oil on our heads. An
observer in each car had a cell phone, and when the other guy's
glass fell off first, I was notified. As he lost, he now has
to get rid of the birds. I'm not sure why, but he's been talking
to the Save the Whale people.
In the meantime, I'm going to sue the Happy Landings people.
It's the American Thing To Do.
I'll keep you informed.
[Nice to know that I'm not the only one skipping my medication. :-)
Follow-up postings indicate people have called "Happy Landings" and
they say the whole story is a hoax. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 16:38:54 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: information superhighway anagrams
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
I'm on a huge wispy rhino fart ( gkb@aber.ac.uk)
I am fisting up a horny whore (tony@mantis.co.uk)
[these people have too much free time.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Jul 1995 08:47:40 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@austin.ibm.com>
Subject: Jay Leno on Michael Jackson
To: spaf
[Quote from Friday, 6/30. As accurate as I could remember]
I love America. It's the only country where you can have a llama as a pet, a
monkey as a best friend, dress like a Klingon general, and grab yourself in
public, and then say on national television that you're leaving because the
country's gotten too wierd!
- Jay Leno talking about Michael Jackson
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: (null)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: coleman@kirkland.East.Sun.COM (Rob Coleman)
"Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary engineers
who worked on the original VCR. His funeral service will be at 12:00...
12:00... 12:00... 12:00..."
-- Dennis Miller
"Anyone know how I can get my VCR to start blinking "1:00" now that
Daylight Savings Time is here?"
-- Unknown
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 95 12:13:11 EDT
From: engman@wwck.xyplex.com (Dave Engman)
Subject: jumping cables
To: kerberos@MIT.EDU
I asked our technical guru about jumping cables and here's his reply:
I think that a "jumping cable" is what you get when you cross a silkworm
with a Mexican Jumping bean and then feed it a high-Silica diet.
It spins a caccoon of optical-grade fiber that vibrates at such an
extreme rate that it is impossible to attach a tap or inline splice.
Only legitimate licensed installers know the trick of dipping the ends
in Tequila, slowing down the vibrations enough to allow a connector to
be attached.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jun 1995 23:24:02 -0400
From: dawson@cs.cornell.edu (Dawson Dean)
Subject: Looking for Source Code copyright statements
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.programmer.misc,comp.lang.c,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc,comp.graphics,comp.lang.c++,comp.unix.programmer,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.win32,comp.os.os2.programmer.misc
I am collecting the text copyright statements that
companies insert in comments at the header of source
code files. For example, some BSD source code files
include the line:
/*
* Copyright (c) 1980 Regents of the University of California.
* All rights reserved. The Berkeley software License Agreement
* specifies the terms and conditions for redistribution.
*/
at the header of some C source files. I am looking for the
similar line from as many different companies as possible. What
do other companies put at the header of their C source files?
I only want a header comment containing the company name,
copyright and/or license statement, NOT any code or #define's
or #includes, or any documentation. I hope to gather a bunch
from a lot of different companies and print them on T-shirts
for myself and a friend. (OK, I'll admit it, we're really big
geeks). Ideally, I would like to collect at least 20 or 30
companies. Stuff from ANY company is gratefully accepted.
Would you please email me the standard header that is
used by your company? It should only take you a second, just
copy and paste the thing into a mail message to me. You will
be doing me a really big favor.
["Really big geek" doesn't quite capture it. Too much free time on his
hands is more like it. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Maybe aliens will write the checks?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@lagavulin.pdl.cs.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: James A. Landay <landay@cs.cmu.edu> via Zephyr
3:5 Ratio of the number of people under 30 who believe they
will get social security to the number of people under
30 who believe in UFOs.
-- from the Harper's Index
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 11:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More on Pocahontas
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
From: david@pharm.medsch.ucla.edu (David I. Tomita)
David (FDC/FDCMuck Goofy) Tomita here with some Disney tidbits.
(I'm actually fairly concise for a change.) ;-)
In The Daily Variety Column Army Archerd says that Wayne Newton claims he
is a direct descendant of Pocahontas on his father's side and he wants to
bring back her remains from Graveside (really), England. He says with
the DNA forensic technology available that this should be possible.
-- To where? Las Vegas? ;-)
And mentioned in Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A." column (Los Angeles Times,
Metro section, June 24) are L.A. hoaxes. One mentioned is Walt Disney
being in suspended animation (cryogenics) awaiting the day when cancer
can be cured. Of course, we know he was cremated and his ashes are at
Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale.
-- But why is there a thermometer? ;-)
Also in the Metro section is an article entitled "Pocahontas Legend Hides
Unromantic Realities" taken from Religion News Service which goes a little
bit into what Pocahontas' was thought to be like (or at least known.).
There is an engraving of Pocahontas by Simon vad de Passe from 1616 along
with Disney's Pocahontas (resemblance in name only).
Anthropologist Helen Rountree was sought by Disney early on for advice
three years ago. In Pocahontas' day, pre-pubescent girls of her tribe
generally had shaved heads and went about unclothed. Rountree also says
one of the few historically reliable accounts describes Pocahontas turning
stark-naked cartweels around the settler's stockade, provoking the men
inside. She also says there is no real evidence that she saved John Smith
from the wrath of her father and that most historians think Smith made it
up after her death to capitalize on her fame.
[Well, doing carthweels naked probably helped get her that fame. I've
never forgotten any of the women I've seen do that. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 12:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: atterlep@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Cardinal Ximenez)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: "Zoweee Wow, KSC" <zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu>
In accordance with the terms laid out on Monday, November 7th, 1994, I do
herebye offer Public and Embarassing Apology to a large group of strangers
for my statement upon that day that "Tongue rings don't hurt at all, you
fucking wusses."
In my most remarkable stupidity, I dared to contradict the wisdom of my
obvious superiors simply because the piercing itself was not painful. I
proved my inability to grasp even the simple concepts underlying the
body's willingness to Seek Revenge against Stupid Assholes Like Myself
for acts Most Heinous against the organism. Furthermore, I did this in
direct opposition to people who OWNED tongue piercings, knew the pain they
cause, and are obviously more intelligent than I.
To fulfill the terms of this agreement, I do herebye authorize the further
propagation of this Apology For Being a Shitheel, and hope that my name
will be placed somewhere near that of Hitler and Napoleon in the annals
of dimwitted jerkoff's, being second in bozosity only to people who
believe that attacking the Russians in Autumn is a Wise Plan.
Now, someone give me some Percocet before I die.
Zoweee Wow, Idiot-at-Large (23rd Congressional District)
zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu
chadr@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu
[Hint #1 -- don't have the "Dave's Insanity Sauce" on your enchilladas
right after the piercing. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 1995 12:02:14 -0700
From: jonpugh@netcom.com (Jon Pugh)
Subject: Object Oriented COBOL
To: spaf
Your recent submission regarding Object Oriented COBOL reminded me of a
thread we did on comp.sys.mac.programmer regarding OOP names. It was
remarked that since C++ was the name of OOP C, ADD ONE TO COBOL should be
the name of OOP COBOL. I had to point out that if this was the case, then
Object Pascal should have been named Succ(Pascal).
[I thought Pascal succ'd without objects? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 15:08:26 -0700
From: ah530@lafn.org (Jeffrey Wong)
Subject: Offered in poor taste
To: spaf
In light of the incidents of the Simpson trial and the neck
injury Christopher Reed suffered may bring an ironic twist.
Q. What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher
Reed?
A. O.J.'s gonna walk.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: POTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: wegdcb!gcegb
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
--Richard Armour
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 09:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Proof that *everybody* has a web page.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
From: sinitzky@ix.netcom.com (Stanley Sinitzky)
Lower Manhattan Dialysis Center, is located in the heart of Manhattan.
We are a new ultra-modern facility with the most up-to-date equipment.
We cater to Traveling Dialysis Patients and their families. Our staff is
multi-lingual, spanish, french, german, italian, hebrew, chinese, etc.
For business or vacation, 1 day or 1 month, we will work with you to
schedule your sessions. A tour has been arranged for a group if desired.
We can handle your hotel accomodations, where the staff is multi-lingual,
at a very attractive price.
Visit the United Nations, NYC Museums, The Empire State Building, Radio
City Music Center, Broadway, Times Square, The Statue of Liberty & much,
much more!!!
You'll find us at> <URL:http://www.webcom.com/~stannet/lmdcnet/lmdc.html>
[Suppose we're just interested in trying dialysis for the first time? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 15:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: John Stewart <jstewart@scopus.com>
Forwarded-by: Robert Gryphon
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.
-- Rich Cook
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 08:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves
you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the
most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone
you love.
-- Butch Hancock
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Marti Hearst <hearst@parc.xerox.com>
>From Maureen Dowd's column on the editorial page, The New York Times,
Thursday July 6th, 1995:
Here they were, paying homage to persnickety New Hampshire
conservatives and smiling under a scalding sun, the hope of the
G.O.P.: Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, Pat Buchanan. Bob Dornan was also
there.
It was the most extraordinary collection of adder-tongued talent
that had ever been gathered together at a Republican repast, with
the possible exception of when Richard Nixon dined alone.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jul 1995 11:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: Evan C Cacka <evanc@microsoft.com>
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
-- Fran Leibowitz
[Woody Allen once said that Sex is like Death, but he probably won't
be nauseous after Death. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Setting realistic expectations
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "D.A.Spiro" <oz@lexia.com>
We need to move these people from misery to poverty with dignity.
-- The current president of Haiti (You really don't expect
ME to know how to spell his name, do you?)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 95 17:44:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Souvenir of Shanghai
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <cate3@netcom.com>
A woman was visiting Mainland China on vacation and her eye was caught
by a peculiar medallion with some Chinese characters on it. She thought it
looked nice, and so bought it. For several years se wore it as a good luck
charm, and it was quite a converation piece. One day, she attended a dinner
with some visitors from China. One kept glancing at her, and then looking
away discreetly. Curious, she approached him and asked why.
"It is the medallion that you wear." "Oh, yes, it is nice isn't it? I
picked it up on vacation." Then she realized that the man she was speaking
to was Chinese. "I've always wondered what it says. Could you translate
it for me?" "Oh, I couldn't," he said. "Please?" "I do not think you
would be appreciative." She asked again, and finally he relented. "It
says: 'Licensed prostitute, city of Shanghai.'"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 13:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Bill Clinton Story
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sue Trowbridge <trow@charm.net>
> From New York: Home of the world's largest ball of twine ... it's
THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, June 28, 1995. And now, heroic
American fighter pilot ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan ...
TOP TEN NEW HUGH GRANT MOVIES
10. "Four Weddings and a Hooker"
9. "A One Hour Hotel Room With a View"
8. "Pantsless in Seattle"
7. "The Bill Clinton Story"
6. "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"
5. "Batman Loosens the Ol' Utility Belt"
4. "Die Hard with a Call Girl"
3. "The Backseats of Madison County"
2. "Don Juan de Buttafuoco"
1. "Poca-Hooker"
[Music: "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge]
[I liked the suggestion of "Four Misdemeanors and a Felony"
actually, --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 10:05:11 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The devil, meanwhile...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
This week on Days of Our Lives:
After fighting off another demonic temptation, a tired John and Kristen
fell asleep next to each other on the sofa. The devil, meanwhile, sent
Tony an image of John and Kristen making love. The devil later told
Kristen about Tony switching her birth control pills with placebos. Bobby
Lee told Billie the inscription on "Gina's" bracelet read, "To Hope, with
all my love, Bo." Jack was sure of a link between Peter and Daniel.
Despite Mike's eforts, Marlena died and was zipped up in a body bag. Gina
overlooked the puzzle box Jack accidently dropped on the pier.
[Sounds like life in my neighborhood... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 1995 17:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The officer was not in uniform at the time of the incident.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: jfiresto@thor.tjhsst.edu (Jeffrey Firestone)
Forwarded-by: funny@clari.net
Found at the end of January in the Fairfax (Virigina) Journal.
Something along the lines of:
"A County police officer has agreed to turn in his badge and
face criminal charges for exposing himself to women in a grocery
store parking lot."
Just in case we are rather dense, it then states the obvious:
The officer was not in uniform at the time of the incident.
[I'm not sure if I'd ask for his badge. Where did he have it pinned?
Or is he the tongue-piercing guy? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Those expecting good service.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Golan Klinger <falco@io.org>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Found in io.gripes (a newsgroup local to my connectivity provider,
io == Internex Online) The description of the newsgroup is "Life
sucks, complain about it here." Draw your own conclusions.
This snipet was found at the end of a very long message which was
part of a 20 odd message argument thread.
>> IO is well-suited to many users
>
> Like masochists.
>
>> and ill-suited to others
>
> Those expecting good service.
If you don't like IO, fine. Feel free to insult the service all you
want, but don't insult its users. Personally, as a sadist, I take
offense at being called a masochist.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 95 4:30:06 EDT
From: tm34@umail.umd.edu (Thomas J. Murphy)
Subject: True Airline Ticket Agent Story
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I was trying to get the lowest triangle fare from Washington, D.C. to
California and was working through the possibilities with a ticket
agent for a major airline.
At one point she explained, "Well, of course, the nonstop LA to
Washington fare is higher than the nonstop Washington to LA fare, since
the trip is longer."
Stunned, I managed to ask, "Do you mean to say it's further from Los
Angeles to Washington than it is from Washington to Los Angeles?"
She replied brightly, "Oh, much further! According to all the
schedules, nonstop LA to Washington takes about *six hours more* than
nonstop Washington to LA."
[I wonder how far she thinks it is from Australia to the US? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 95 18:01:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: U. C. Search Committee Glossary
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <cate3@netcom.com>
From: the July issue of /Harper's Magazine/.
/ From a memorandum circulated to members of a search committee at the
University of California. The committee was created to recommend a new dean
of the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences./
From: Ad Hoc Committee on Referee Rhetoric, Leo Braudy, Chair
Due to some confusion in interpreting the comments included in candidates'
letters of reference, we have put together a glossary of terminological
translation that we hope will help your deliberations.
bridge builder: likes to compromise
charismatic: no interest in any opinion but his own; gives frequent print
and television interviews
committed to the university: appears at every cocktail party
consults with faculty: indecisive
doesn't suffer fools gladly: rude and abrasive
intensely interested in graduate education: hates teaching
intensely interested in undergraduate education: has ceased to do her
own scholarly work
internationally known: likes to go to or run conferences
listens well: has no ideas of his own
mover and shaker: doesn't care what anybody else thinks; favors
steamroller tactics
remarkably intelligent: listens without yawning when I describe my
latest article
straightforward: blunt and insensitive
very solid in his field: no administrative experience
visionary: can't handle paperwork
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 95 3:20:04 EDT
From: jggoslin@oakland.edu (Monument)
Subject: Vernon distraught...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
After the agonizing, horrible Detroit Red Wing's loss to the New
Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup playoffs, Wing's goaltender Mike
Vernon was so distraught that he attempted suicide.
He threw himself onto the highway in front of a truck.
Unfortunately, it went right between his legs.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 95 09:10:45 EDT
From: "J.D. Forinash" <foxtrot@sware.com>
Subject: We count 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F 'round these parts...
To: spaf
"Jeffrey J. Gray" <jeff@che.utexas.edu> sez:
-> PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
->
-> 100 little bugs in the code,
-> 100 bugs in the code,
-> fix one bug, compile it again,
-> 101 little bugs in the code.
-> 101 little bugs in the code.....
-> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
Starting at 100, he missed one of the important parts of this song--
Many singers leave out six verses because of it:
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG (the other version)
99 bugs in the code this release,
99 bugs in the code
You take one out, patch it about,
9A bugs in the code this release...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Words to live by...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <staelin@cello.hpl.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: sread@avistar.com (J. Stuart Read)
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness
Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they
make them.
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this
morning. It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around
8am, and in all likelihood still is.
Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!
Anarchy -- It's not a law, it's just a good idea.
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 09:53:41 -0500
From: "Randy Clarke" <rcc@zycor.lgc.com>
Subject: yucks submission...
To: spaf
A bit of background: I'm on a mailing list which summarizes hi-tech
issues which are making news (edupage). In the last digest there were two
articles back to back which talked about the internet...taken a bit
out of context, they struck me as humorous...
---
First article:
Carnegie Mellon researchers says that [...] 13 of the 40 most frequently
visited newsgroups on the Internet had names like alt.sex.stories,
rec.arts.erotica and alt.sex.bondage. (Time 7/3/95 P.38)
Second article:
Australia's federal attorney general says that 99% of the material found on
the Internet is reasonable, legitimate information. (Herald Sun 6/25/95 p.30)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------