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Yucks Digest V1 #107
Yucks Digest Thu, 5 Dec 91 Volume 1 : Issue 107
Today's Topics:
Alabama 14-year-old fears wife, 44, was abducted
Anyone have the foggiest idea what this means?
any statue of a chicken
Buzzwords for managers
cutie
FW: Christmas Humor
Garbage Disposals - Which Ones Are Best?
Lucky dogs, etc.
Quayle wins Golden Bull
Relishing Romance...
Screwing with Robert Tilton
Stan Deyo and UFOs Video a
Statistics, statistics, ...
Time Travel - My First Posting (2 msgs)
UFOs - through a glass darkly
Visualize what????
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
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Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 21:31:58 EST
From: paul%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul W. Thublin)
Subject: Alabama 14-year-old fears wife, 44, was abducted
To: spaf
Here's one for the Yucks Digest. This article appeared in the Tuesday,
December 3, 1991 edition of the Atlanta Urinal/Constipation.
ALABAMA 14-YEAR-OLD FEARS WIFE, 44, WAS ABDUCTED
>From staff and wire reports
A 14-year-old Gadsden, Ala., boy reported to police that his
44-year-old wife may have been kidnapped and taken to Georgia by her
ex-husband after Thanksgiving dinner.
Jonathan L. Davis, whose marriage was featured in the National
Enquirer and landed the couple on the Sally Jessy Rafael television
show, said his wife, Shirley Ann Davis, has been missing since late
Thursday afternoon.
Police said Monday that they have received word that Mrs. Davis is
safe and on her way back to Gadsden.
"We are pretty sure she's all right," said Lt. Jeff Wright, the
detective assigned to the case. "She was due back today, but we
haven't heard from them."
Lieutenant Wright declined to disclose the woman's whereabouts but
confirmed that she was with her former husband, whom he did not
identify. "A witness did state to the husband that the ex-husband took
her back to Georgia," he said.
"We believe we have this thing worked out," Lieutenant Wright said,
adding that police are treated the case as a kidnapping, at least for
now. "We have a report filed and are handling it as a kidnapping. I
have no further comment until I talk to the victim."
Lieutenant Wright stopped short of saying whether any charges will
be filed in the incident. "Whether or not we have a legitimate case,
we have more work to do on that," he said.
Then he added, jokingly, "Maybe she wants to get some more money,
from `Geraldo.'"
According to the police report, Mr. Davis told officers his wife
was having dinner Thursday with her former husband and her children at
the home of a grown son. Mr. Davis said the son called him and told
him that Mrs. Davis's ex-husband had put her in a van and taken her
"back to Georgia," according to the report.
Mrs. Davis has five children, ranging in age from 7 to 23, with her
former husband in Georgia having custody of their three minor children.
Mr. Davis and family members have unpublished telephone numbers and
could not be reached for comment Monday.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 91 08:15:11 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Anyone have the foggiest idea what this means?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
[The subject line says it all. --spaf]
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
Cognitive Studies Colloquium
(Sponsored by Siemens Corporate Research)
December 9, 1991 12:00 - 1:15
Langfeld Lounge, Green Hall
Nancy Cantor
Princeton University
LIFE TASKS AND FLEXIBLE CONSTRUAL OF DAILY LIFE EVENTS
This talk will focus on George Kelly's (1955) proposition of Constructive
Alternativism in the construal of daily life events. Kelly ar-
gued that the flexible construal of routine events in the light
of alternative personal constructs is meaningfully associated
with variations in the experience of those events in daily life.
Using experience-sampling and daily diary methods, we consider
individuals' affective experience of daily events as it is asso-
ciated with changes in their construals of those events as
relevant to different personal goals, revealing both costs and
benefits to flexible construal.
If you would like to meet with Nancy Cantor, please contact Gil
Harman ghh@clarity.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 91 22:14:33 EST
From: David Gingold <uunet!Think.COM!gingold>
Subject: any statue of a chicken
Peter Schickele, reviewing Andre Previn's _No Minor Chords_ in today's New
York Times Book Review concludes:
"No Minor Chords" does have one near-fatal flaw. Describing a game
of Dictonary...at Mike Nichol's house, Mr. Previn recalls: "Mike
blew an entire round one night by being totally unable to read with
a straight face that the meaning of the given word was 'any statue
of a chicken.' He was weeping with laughter, and the fact that
this definition turned out to be the true one did not help." It's
a good story but _what was the word?_ Good god, I mean, some of us
_have to know._ Perhaps Mr Previn's sin of omission can be
corrected in a future edition of this otherwise molto entertaining
book.
------------------------------
Date: Thu Dec 05 10:31:08 PDT 1991
From: robkp@microsoft.COM
Subject: Buzzwords for managers
To: 0003539738@mcimail.com, QUA@cornella.cit.cornell.edu,
>From johnjar Tue Dec 3 15:22:35 1991
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
==========================
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase
that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of
decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest
idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is
that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
-author unknown
------------------------------
Date: 3 Dec 91 08:44:20 EST (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a
pretty girl.
The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your
wife.
-- Anonymous.
------------------------------
Date: Wed Dec 04 10:50:54 PDT 1991
From: robkp@microsoft.COM
Subject: FW: Christmas Humor
To: 0003539738@mcimail.com, QUA@cornella.cit.cornell.edu,
Twas The Night Before Implementation
Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he cursed and muttered and called them by name.
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 91 15:08:06 PST
From: witters@tc.fluke.com (John Witters)
Subject: Garbage Disposals - Which Ones Are Best?
To: yucks
[John sent the following three messages from a local newsgroup.... --spaf]
Article 2256 of fluke.general:
From: anholm@tc.fluke.COM (John Anholm)
Newsgroups: fluke.general
Subject: Garbage Disposals - Which Ones Are Best?
Date: 10 Nov 88 17:21:23 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
I am trying to decide which garbage disposal to purchase. I would be very
interested in any recommendations or advice, or personal experience.
Basically I want the best available - one that will eat anything biological.
I think I have boiled the choice down to three:
1. Kitchen Aid "Electra" - 3/4 Hp. old style not generally available any
more with cast iron grinder, no moving parts on the rotating grinder, auto
reverse, heavy duty high torque motor. $185
2. Insinkerator 3/4 Hp. which I have found sold under the following brand
names: Kitchen Aid KCDI250, Sears "Best" Model 700, Emerson E-120. It has 2
swivel impellers, auto reverse. $140. (Kitchen Aid has a 1 Hp version of this
but the price is rediculous by comparison: $300.)
3. Maytag 1/2 Hp. It has rubber mount for sound insulation and is claimed to
be able to eat nails. It has 2 swivel impellers, no reverse, heavy duty high
torque motor. $181
If you have any information on the performance of these or others please let
me know. Thanks.
John Anholm
==========
Article 2257 of fluke.general:
>From: witters@tc.fluke.COM (John Witters)
Newsgroups: fluke.general
Subject: Re: Garbage Disposals - Which Ones Are Best?
Date: 10 Nov 88 17:49:20 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
In article <5928@fluke.COM> anholm@tc.fluke.COM (John Anholm) writes:
>
>I am trying to decide which garbage disposal to purchase. I would be very
>interested in any recommendations or advice, or personal experience.
>Basically I want the best available - one that will eat anything biological.
How about a surplus Pratt and Whitney JT8-D? I have it on good authority that
this beastie will swallow four or five frozen chickens with no ill effects. Of
course you'd have to install a fuel tank for the Jet-B fuel it uses.
Oh, you say you wanted it to fit under your sink?
Sorry. Never mind.
==========
Article 2335 of fluke.general:
>From: anholm@tc.fluke.COM (John Anholm)
Newsgroups: fluke.general
Subject: Re: Garbage Disposals - Which Ones Are Best
Date: 13 Jan 89 01:00:51 GMT
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
I thought you might be interested in the outcome of my survey. The responses
were split between In-Sink-Erator and Maytag. I couldn't afford Witter's used
jet engine so I finally bought a Maytag FC-10. I installed it on Christmas
day and have had fun ever since feeding it things people tell me I shouldn't -
things like banana peals, artichoke leaves, and cherry pits. My folks who
were visiting for Christmas would tell me a horror story about how their
disposal jammed up when they put such and such down it and then I would
proceed to try it any way. It hasn't balked at anything I've put down it yet.
It is quiet too.
No, I have not tried any frozen chickens.
I'll leave those for Kentucky Fried Dead Bird.
==========
[FYI, the Pratt and Whitney JD8-D is a popular aircraft jet engine used on
such aircraft as the Boeing 727, 737, and McDonnell Douglas DC-9. Part of the
new engine certification process required by the Federal Aviation
Administration, involves firing dead chickens into running engines to find
out if the engine will do anything antisocial, like blowing a hole in the wing
or spraying the fuselage with shrapnel. Although dead chickens don't fly,
seagulls and Canadian geese do. -John]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 13:23:59 EST
From: hicomb!lark@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: Lucky dogs, etc.
To: uunet!mejac.palo-alto.ca.us!eniac@uunet.UU.NET
An article in the New York Times today leads one to muse on the
value of being in the right place at the right time...
A young border collie, named Gregor Mendel (after the monk
who's studies on peas established the principles of "Mendelian
genetics") seems likely to spread his genes farther in the dog
world than any dog has ever done before. His owner is Dr.
Jasper Rine, a geneticist at UC Berkeley, who is undertaking a
dog genome mapping project.
It appears that young Gregor (not yet one year old) will be bred
with bitches of numerous breeds, in order to map genes that control
behavior, shapes, size, hair length, and other traits. The resulting
pups will be studied for behavioral characteristics as well as the
more obvious physiology, and after their genes are mapped the dogs will
be given away as pets. The first cross-breeding planned is with a
Newfoundland.
While the project is itself intrinsically interesting, I am philosophically
tickled by the thought of so many genetic permutations from a single
host. Is this another male sociological characteristic, or is it somehow
intrinsic in my genes, I wonder?
BTW, Dr. Rine reports that Gregor is "taking a great interest in the project".
------------------------------
Date: 4 Dec 91 15:51:10 GMT
From: richard@xanth.b11.ingr.com (Richard Griffiths )
Subject: Quayle wins Golden Bull
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
LONDON -
Dan Quayle won a booby prize from the Plain English Campaign for what it
deemed an incomprehensible remark on an unidentifiable subject.
The vice president was awarded the Golden Bull on Monday for remarks
quoted in the Washington Post in July:
"We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that (recognize the
big-tent philosophy) within the platform, the preamble to the platform or
whatnot, that remains to be seen. But that message will have to be
articulated with great clarity."
Jonathan Allman, editor of the Plain English Campaign, an organization
that battles gobbledygook and doubletalk, called the quotation "a classic
example of U.S. doublespeak."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 02 Dec 91 22:07:03 CST
From: mbraun@urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: Relishing Romance...
To: yucks
(Seen in one of my folks' farming magazines:)
My girlfriend decided she'd had enough of me and wrote me a note. She said
I couldn't cut the mustard. It was sort of a "dijon letter".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 91 19:37:53 CST
From: forsythe@track29.lonestar.org (Charles Forsythe)
Subject: Screwing with Robert Tilton
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Have you heard of Robert Tilton? Millions have. He's a TV preacher
and he claims that if you send him money (a "vow of faith"), God will make
you rich. His ministry makes $80 million a year, tax free... but forces are
at work to change that.
Two weeks ago, ABC's Prime Time, hosted by Diane Sawyer, aired a
special on TV preachers that hit him pretty hard. Members of a religious
group called the Trinity Foundation, here in Dallas, helped with the
investigation. There's more to come. The next day, Tilton went nuts with
a cocaine-inspired rant about how all of the charges were untrue. During
this rant he said a lot of stupid and weird things. Many of them are
particularly funny taken out of context and strung together. That's where
me and my pals came into it.
I sampled a bunch of stuff and threw together a little musical
number containing gratuitous misquoting of Tilton. It's really funny and
several radio stations in the area have picked it up to play on their
morning shows and such. The piece is done in an industrial/dance/disco
genre (it bears some similarity to "Welcome to Paradise" by Front 242, but
is less produced).
If you hate Robert Tilton and/or TV Preachers and would like a
copy, send me $3 ($6 for a high quality tape). IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GET
THIS ON A STATION IN YOUR AREA, EMAIL ME YOUR ADDRESS AND I'LL SEND IT TO
YOU FREE. Once you have a copy, you are free to copy it and give it out
as much as you want, I just want some $$$ to cover costs (except as noted
above).
My address is:
Charles Forsythe
1816 Colgate Drive
Richardson, TX 75081
_
Fon: (214)669-9962
------------------------------
Date: 4 Dec 91 12:25:12 GMT
From: dingbat@cix.compulink.co.uk (Codesmiths)
Subject: Stan Deyo and UFOs Video a
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
In-Reply-To: unlimvis@peg.pegasus.oz.au
> [Stuff about Tesla, Nazi UFOs & the Knight Templars deleted]
>
>
> ALSO AVAILABLE NOW - A ONE HOUR EXCLUSIVE
> VIDEO OF SECRET WWII GERMAN FLYING SAUCER
> DEVELOPMENT AND MANUFACTURE
>
> INCLUDING PROOF OF
> > 286 SAUCERS BUILT 1941-44
> > PLANS, PHOTOS OF TEST FLIGHTS
> > AND INSIGHTS INTO THE MOTIVATIONS OF THOSE
> WHO GROOMED HITLER TO BE GERMANY's "LEADER"
>
> BY EXCLUSIVE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE WORLD'S OLDEST ORDER
> OF CHIVILARY, THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR
As my old Gran'pappy used to say;
"Son, Never trust anyone who can't work their GODDAMN CAPS LOCK KEY"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 05 Dec 91 07:28:30 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG%UAFSYSB@UAFSYSA.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Statistics, statistics, ...
To: yucks
Estimated number of M&M's sold each day in the U.S.: 200,000,000
Estimated number of unfilled cavities in the U.S.: 500,000,000
Ratio of the amount Americans spent in 1989 on candy to the amount they
spent on cookies: 2:1
Percentage of Americans who drink soft drinks in the morning: 10
Amount of time it would take for all the Coca-Cola ever sold to flow over
Niagara Falls, in hours: 23
Number of Twinkies that Twinkie inventor Jimmy Dewar ate in his
lifetime: 40,177
Portion of the ice cream sold in the U.S. in 1976 that was vanilla: 1/2
Portion sold in 1989 that was vanilla: 1/3
Portion of the U.S. potato crop that is french fried: 1/3
Percentage of Americans who know what a Whopper is: 95
Percentage of Americans who eat at McDonalds each day: 7
Acres of pizza consumed each day in the U.S.: 90
Number of times a nude or seminude woman accepted a Domino's Pizza
delivery in Washington, D.C., in 1990: 15
Number of deaths in 1988 caused by accidents involving Domino's Pizza
delivery trucks: 20
Number of deaths in 1989 caused by vending machines falling on people
who shook them: 2
------------------------------
Date: 5 Dec 91 17:06:23 GMT
From: gene@nynexst.com (Gene Miller)
Subject: Time Travel - My First Posting
Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.skeptic,alt.alien.visitors,alt.config
In article <1991Dec5.145920.21545@kingston.ac.uk> cs_a175@kingston.ac.uk (Terenas S D M) writes:
>All I'd like to know is if it possible to travel in time.
Answer: Only forward, and only by waiting.
(Is anything intelligent going to be discussed here?)
------------------------------
Date: 6 Dec 91 00:29:44 GMT
From: okunewck@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: Time Travel - My First Posting
Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.skeptic,alt.alien.visitors,alt.config
[Physics made simple here.... --spaf]
fdeck@dumpster.helios.nd.edu (francis deck) writes:
>Yes... it's possible. Read up on the "twin paradox." We travel
>in time whenever we move through space, though the nanoseconds we
>gain or lose don't amount to much. If the speed of light were 55
>MPH (65 in the country), we'd all be quite accustomed to time
>travel.
Not quite.
If the speed of light were 55 MPH, then the Yugo and Geo would be
terrible gas guzzlers. Mopeds wouldn't be much better.
The speed of light isn't exactly a velocity as we know it; it only
appears that way. It's actually a limit, just like absolute zero
temperature or a frequency of zero cycles per second. The speed of
light is the maximum speed that anything can possibly go.
As something accelerates relative to you, it gains mass and time
slows down for it. The Yugo would weigh many kilotons, and would pass
through the speed trap with a severe discrepency between the
speedometer and the cop's radar gun. (Yeah, just imagine the driver
trying to talk himself out of _that_ ticket.) Meanwhile, the Geo
driver would be trying to talk himself out of a stop-light violation
because he had blue-shifted the red light to green.
The trouble is, neither the Geo nor the Yugo will ever reach 55
(relative to the road surface) because its mass would be too great for
its dinky little three cylinder engine to accellerate any faster.
Light travels at the maximum limit because a photon has no mass.
That's the fastest it can go, so it does.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 91 22:20:57 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: UFOs - through a glass darkly
To: spaf
Spaf - let me know when these get tiresome! (Are we there yet?)
==========
|Can one get hallucinations from out-of-date milk on granola? If
|not, then I actually saw the following on the Damn Riot [Dan Ryan]
|Expressway this morning.
|
|A black man who looked about 40 or so was driving some sort of big
|white Chrysler with headlights and flashers on. He was cutting in
|and out, passing most other cars. And he had a glass of water
|balanced on his head. It fell off when he passed me, and he put
|the empty glass back on his head.
|
|[If this guy subscribes to yucks, let's hear what he was doing.
|If you weren't the guy involved, interesting explanations are
|also welcomed! --spaf]
That'd be me (I was just released, so my mail is sort of backed up,
not unlike an Atlanta freeway during rush hours (7 - 11, 11 - 2,
2 - 7)).
I was on the lam. Back on UMMO (approx. 15 light-years from Indiana),
I'd been busted for grit-running. The UMMO police are a part of a
loose-knit galaxy-wide police fraternity known as the Interspatial
Fraternity of Cops, or IFC. The IFC sets policy on interplanetary and
interspecial activities, and is supposed to have the power to back it
up. Mostly they look the other way, but I'd dated a couple of Alpha Zs
- a fairly high class of females usually reserved for the ruling Zetas
(or Bmocs, as they call themselves). The penalty was usually death by
hazing (a process in which the mental processes of the individual are
slowly reduced to nothing more than a primordial urge for football).
The UMMO cruiser had been sighted by some French scientists, and
was reported in all the newspapers worth reading. I started making
plans, but before I could get away, the scout ships arrived. It
was time to boogie.
The scout ships are merciless. All armed with the dreaded SAE (Sigma
Alpha Epsilon) wave projectors, they can have you too drunk to resist
in 15 seconds flat. Next thing you know, you're just a pretty toy
hanging on the dash mirror of some interstellar preppie's souped-up
Uranus X11.
The only known antidote is stupid behavior. Now mind you, these star
jocks can act pretty stupid, but when their bloodstream is free of
volatile poisons, they refuse to be seen with anyone else acting
stupid.
So I planted a glass of kiwi juice on my head, hopped in the first
thing I saw with keys in the ignition, and took off. I could see the
ships in hot pursuit, darting between the little old ladies in the
traffic behind me, virtually indistinguishable from Yugos in
appearance, except that they weren't parked on the side of the road.
The glass fell off as I swerved around some idiot white guy, staring
like an idiot - looked like a computer geek. I grabbed it (almost
taking out a Miata in the process), and stuck it back in the center of
my hair. Too late. I found myself not caring where I drove, and
desperately wanted to jump onto the roof, break dance, and sing 'Louie
Louie' at the top of my lungs playing air guitar, and doing the
moonwalk. I blacked out.
I woke up in the dank dungeon of a megaliner. The guards were of the
cruel race we called the Delts. They were singing vile songs that made
my head hurt worse. Their gaudy rings hurt my eyes. One of the fouler
officers (probably a Biff) staggered my way. I passed out.
I was of course raped and murdered. All in all, an experience I'd
rather not repeat.
[I'm hesitant to say that I don't think he can top this, because
I'm sure he'll try. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 91 13:06:46 CST
From: Tracy LaQuey Parker <T.LaQuey@utexas.edu>
Subject: Visualize what????
To: yucks
I finally found a bumper sticker to put on my car:
Visualize Whirled Peas
[What a concept! Run them thru the spin cycle on the washer maybe? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------