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Yucks Digest V1 #102
Yucks Digest Fri, 15 Nov 91 Volume 1 : Issue 102
Today's Topics:
Corporate Values-Approved Politically Correct Jokes
FYA
Greg Burson, voice of Yogi Bear
Jury Considers `Oh! Calcutta!'
My addition to Condoms lore
New User, Here..
QOTD
Seen in rec.games.board
Sex-Oriented Games Debated
So...
The Jack of All Trades
The Quiz and the fate of female unix (fwd)
You-all come back now, you hear?
Yucks Digest V1 #101
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 15 Nov 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: hausmann_maddi@tandem.com (Maddi Hausmann)
Subject: Corporate Values-Approved Politically Correct Jokes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[After reading the following, I assume that no one at Tandem dares
to get Yucks.... --spaf]
In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentially-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourgages automobile
use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.
I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor that's necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having
sex with him.
That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're
arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a
violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with
my food."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 91 15:41:55 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: FYA
To: bob
I knew I was behind on reading news, but....
Script started on Fri Nov 15 15:39:00 1991
mentor.cc 1 % rn
(Revising soft pointers--be patient.)
Unread news in purdue.cc.log.unix 756900 articles
Unread news in purdue.cc.cs536 800 articles
Unread news in comp.bugs.4bsd 188400 articles
Unread news in comp.protocols.tcp-ip 1875500 articles
Unread news in misc.books.technical 50500 articles
etc.
Checking active list for new newsgroups...
Bye-bye.
Caught an internal error--.newsrc restored
mentor.cc 2 % exit
mentor.cc 3 %
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 91 21:02:03 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Greg Burson, voice of Yogi Bear
To: yucks-request
By Sharon Achatz
Copley News Service
It had to be the most animated conference call in history.
Yogi Bear was there, as was Snagglepuss, Daffy Duck and Yosemite
Sam. Bugs Bunny even got in his two cents worth before Greg Burson got
them all under control when we talked on the phone recently.
Burson, who has stretched his vocal chords into hundreds of
character voices since the early '70s, has hit television mainstream
this season as the voice of Yogi Bear in NBC's animated Saturday
morning series "Yo, Yogi!"
Yogi is just one of many characters unleashed with Burson's tongue.
"People may ask for a voice, but they want the character. If you
get the voice almost right and have the personality right on, you're
OK."
The Blanc and Butler creations have personalities so complex and
complete that you can stand them in any situation and predict what
they'll do, Burson says.
"I won't take credit for the richness and complexity of a
character's personality and voice, but I will take credit for
maintaining that character with serious study. I spend hours and hours
with these characters, putting them in places where they haven't been
before to see how they react."
"You get real close to them," he says of the characters.
"I don't control them, I let them control me. I've been reading
and won't know where something I said comes from. It got interpolated,
translated into Yogi without my even trying."
Burson first portrayed Yogi in 1988 after an exhaustive search for
the syndicated series, "The Yogi Bear Show."
"I've only been heavy into cartoons for 3 to 4 years," Burson
said. "I started doing commercials because they panned out a lot
earlier," but cartoons are more fun. Perhaps because they're "more
of a novelty, since I still do more commercial work."
If he hasn't done a voice for a while, Burson says "it takes a
while to get into gear. I watch cartoons, listen to tapes and read
scripts, then fall back into patterns and the character's alive
again."
In reading "Yo, Yogi!" scripts, Burson keeps his vocal chords
jumping back and forth between characters first Yogi, then
Snagglepuss, then Yogi and so on. He admits that occasionally
Snagglepuss' voice will call out Yogi's "I'm smarter than the
av-e-rage bear" line, but says that such mix-ups are rare.
And they never happen while reading scripts for Warner Bros.
cartoons because they generally record only one voice at a time just
as Mel Blanc did.
He recorded all the spoken lines for a single character, then went
back to the top of the script and recorded the lines of the next
character. The lines then were pieced and matched into a cartoon
conversation later.
The reason for the difference?
"Some of those are real throat-rippers," Burson says. "We
schedule Yosemite Sam as the last voice of the day so there's time to
recoup for the next day's reading. Daffy has a textured voice as
well."
Burson says his own character creations such as those for
"Mother Goose and Grimm" and commercials are a little easier to do
because he decides where they'll go.
When asked to choose a favorite, Burson says "I like characters
I've created on my own. I like the characters I do created by other
people.
"These guys (other people's creations) have shown me how to do
these things characters that can be put in any situation and react
to that. But Attila the Cat from "Mother Goose and Grimm" is one of
my favorites. He's just flat-out funny to listen to."
Burson says he has been able to survive in the voicing business
only because of his ability to create his own characters.
"It's very difficult to get into commercial and cartoons unless
you have a vast array of voices. They have to trust you to be able to
create."
"I did eight characters in the first episode of "Mother Goose and
Grimm" and have stopped counting since."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 91 21:35:56 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Jury Considers `Oh! Calcutta!'
To: yucks-request
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (AP)
"Oh! Calcutta!," Broadway's long-running nude revue, should be
allowed to bare all in Chattanooga because it was created to sexually
enlighten its audience, one of the musical's originators testified.
A Chattanooga promoter wants to stage the play at the city-owned
Tivoli Theater, but the Memorial Auditorium Board, which runs the
Tivoli, banned a January performance on grounds the musical is
obscene.
"I can't honestly say to you that I had no intention of offending
anyone," Jacque Levy, a writer, producer and lyricist, testified
Tuesday in a jury trial to determine whether the performance can go
ahead.
"If there were people in the audience who were very, very uptight,
I guess my intention was to shake them up a little," Levy said.
The play was threatened with banning when it opened in 1969, when
nudity on stage and screen was a novelty. Many critics consider it a
fairly tame show, but its tour this year of more than 90 cities has
aroused passions.
On Feb. 7, the city authorities of Springfield, Mo., forced the
actors to wear bras, flesh-colored underwear and G-strings during a
performance before 5,000 people the first time the Calcutta cast had
been clad.
The musical's promoter, Singer Entertainment Consultants of Port
Murray, N.J., wanted to present the play Jan. 23 at the Tivoli, but
the performance was banned on grounds it violates city ordinances
against public nudity and is obscene under Tennessee law.
The promoter has challenged the ruling, saying the city later
allowed the rock musical "Hair," which also contains nudity, to be
performed at the theater.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 91 14:33:36 CST
From: dewey@obiwan.austin.ibm.com (Dewey Coffman)
Subject: My addition to Condoms lore
To: devnet@leroy.austin.ibm.com (Austin Group)
[Let's hope Magic Johnson doesn't hire this guy for his future efforts.
And please -- let's not compete to come up with more such slogans. --spaf]
List of Possible Slogans
Promoting National Condom Week
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before you check her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love.
22. If you're going to commit some sin, remember to insulate your plugin.
23. Before you whip it in, cover it with latex skin.
24. The wild thing is greater, if your covered when you mate her.
25. Got the hot & heavy notions, be safe with those motions.
26. If you're going to dick her, be protective of your pricker'.
27. If she's big & fat, don't forget you're party hat.
28. Got a nack for the sack, don't forget the Trojan six pack.
29. If you're going to bump uglies, put on a Trojan snuggly.
------------------------------
Date: 15 Nov 91 11:30:04 GMT
From: rcoats@hayes.UUCP
Subject: New User, Here..
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occoured a decade or
so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to
go further and pretend that
Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming.
by Robert S. Coats
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade
the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort,
he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal
and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion.
Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The
Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years
catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about
playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally
figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a
passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls
CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince
them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.
Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan
discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the
serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.
Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the
bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane
pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but
Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a
dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they
arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the
hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay
attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has
brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing
the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer
of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen
chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a
ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny.
Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her
own ham!"
The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and,
through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able
to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However,
Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the
invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having
to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes
home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady
has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program,
but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics
directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs.
Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of
the family eats angle food cake on the patio.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a
plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an
undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk
continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more
than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and
spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted
begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good
information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to
take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long
distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers.
She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen
violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the
Bay Bridge.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 19:24:43 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 91 14:17:40 CST
From: "Matt Crawford" <matt@oddjob.uchicago.edu>
Subject: Seen in rec.games.board
To: bob
Q: Is Purdue really a party school ?
A: Are you kidding ? They don't have tuition - just a cover charge and
a 2000 drink minimum !
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 12:02:02 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Sex-Oriented Games Debated
To: yucks-request
RICHMOND, Va. (AP)
One of the hottest selling entertainment computer programs is not
a game of knights or fighter pilots. It's Leisure Suit Larry V, the
latest in a growing number of sex-oriented games that worry
anti-pornography groups.
Leisure Suit Larry, about a bumbling middle-aged man who pursues
voluptuous women, contains "a very dangerous message for young men by
promoting sex as a conquest and women as a commodity," said Patty
McEntee, spokeswoman for New York-based Morality in Media.
Nevertheless, software retailers say the game series is one of
their best-sellers. Sierra On-Line Inc., the Oakland, Calif.-based
manufacturer, expects to sell $20 million to $25 million worth this
year, which ranks the game series among the top computer
entertainment programs.
As the controversy widens over sexually suggestive games,
manufacturers are being forced to walk a fine line between what sets
trends and what offends.
"It's just a matter of time before more products like that come on
to the market and as some people cross the line and use nudity and
foul language," Sierra On-Line President Ken Williams said.
Leisure Suit Larry and other games, such as Strip Poker and
Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All The Girls, can be found alongside
other popular titles at software retailers. But while they are not
rated, sellers have voluntarily affixed labels warning of their adult
content.
The warning stickers on the games may eventually give way to a
rating system, Williams said.The software companies say if the
programs were movies they would be rated PG-13 or perhaps R.
"But the message is the same as pornography," Ms. McEntee said.
"The material appeals to sexually immature people. It's a poor
reflection on society that it could be a best seller."
Leisure Suit Larry V has sold more than 120,000 copies nationally
since its release in September. The program has no foul language, and
the sex occurs under blankets or behind signs marked "Censored."
But when Sierra sent out direct advertisement mailings to
customers many of whom are under 18 for Larry I, President Ken
Williams said he received about 1,000 letters from angry parents
wanting to be taken off the company's mailing list. "That direct
mailing was a mistake," he said.
Software retailers say there's an understanding among retailers
not to let children buy adult-oriented games. However, the unwritten
code cannot always be enforced.
Bob Bates, president of Chantilly, Va.-based Legend Entertainment,
which makes Spellcasting 101, said appealing to prurient interests is
not a guarantee of success in the software business.
"Not only are they adult, but they are comedy and adventure
titles. Those tend to sell more than straight titles," said Bates. He
said Spellcasting would not even deserve an R rating.
Spellcasting portrays a male college student who pursues females
on campus. It can be played in a "nice" or "naughty" mode and will
swear at you if you like.
------------------------------
Date: 14 Nov 91 18:43:11 GMT
From: glenn@curie.ces.cwru.edu (Glenn Crocker)
Subject: So...
Newsgroups: alt.hackers
v064lnev@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Zerxes Bhagalia) writes:
Exactly how does one decrypt the passwords in the .passwd file?
Let's see.... I've got the recipie around here somewhere.....Ah! Here
it is:
First Hacker:
Thrice the brinded cat(1) hath mew'd.
Second Hacker:
Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
Third Hacker:
Harpier cries:---'tis time(1), 'tis time(1).
First Hacker:
Round about the caldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.---
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i'the charmed pot.
All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
Second Hacker:
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,---
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
Third Hacker:
Scale of dragon; tooth of wolf;
Witches' mummy; maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark;
Root of hemlock digg'd i'the dark;
Liver of blaspheming Jew;
Gall of goat; and slips of yew
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,---
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the'ingredients of our caldron.
All:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
------------------------------
Date: 11 Nov 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: stevec@agni.std.com (Steve Connelly)
Subject: The Jack of All Trades
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here's a story by myself that's rated IQ-17: It can be appreciated
only by people with an IQ under 17. The story has no copyright. It may
be a good candidate for rot13.
Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will
most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research
projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These
students make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students work
part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports them in comfort. I
decided that I would practice such a trade: Professional sperm donation, the
jack of all trades.
During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office of
the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and citations
for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the citations said
"Honorable Discharge", which I thought was a bit grandiose.
"It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain sterile,"
the doctor explained.
"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.
"Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual
stimulation of the genital protuberance."
"Huh?"
"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."
"Oh."
"Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be
three days of abstinence."
"Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had
visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced and
drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an
hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are
we?..."
I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver
samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could become
aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age when I first
saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I could only be aroused
by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long
antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with
large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit.
Although now I can only become aroused by a woman if she turns the letters on
my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I decided to get some men's magazines for
immoral support.
As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a
teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up tennis
just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs are often
rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain is
the reason you often see men crying when they read the magazine.
Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a
subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an insightful
editorial posture and interviews with personalities of topical interest."
He shrugged indifferently.
"You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to
fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now I've
started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines under my
mattresss so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for lower back support.
I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical
facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse and
look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red light
district.
These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of topical
interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body parts. One
was called "Female Body Parts". The magazines might serve a medical
professional as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but they
were too much for me. I settled for this month's issue of "NBC Anchorwomen
in Chains".
As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in the
clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my
twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually
realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair, a
voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel dispenser.
However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so because when there
I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing
shelves. Okay, maybe not.
I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built an
infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after several
weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's office.
He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count was
five times higher than average.
There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of
fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be
shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed the
British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female
contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date rape.
My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone who
wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof. The doctor
obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm counts and
motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it. He
also referred to donor candidates by number instead of name to preserve
anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With No Name, a hired gun.
"A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger.
What'd you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say...."
From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently
hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their penis
has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.
It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I
first saw her: Candy the candystriper.
I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes
sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of fluid
backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel floating toward me.
Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I wanted to
suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.
She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to the bag of ice
I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.
She gave me a specimen cup and I went into the donor room, where I was
great. A minute later I returned.
My headache was gone. I sauntered over to Candy's desk and turned
on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.
"Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."
She smiled the dazzling smile that is the gift of a woman with braces.
She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."
"Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I teased. "You've been watching my fly,
haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a glimpse of the Loch Ness
monster."
She giggled. "So, what do you do?"
"Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."
"I mean, what do you do for a living?"
I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."
"Really? Can you say something in computerese?"
"Awk grep sed lex yacc?"
She squealed with delight, and her sudden increase in body heat caused
her implants to expand. I had it made.
On our first date, I learned all about her. A woman of compassion,
she had bought a water bed because it made the fleet feel more at home. She
had also bought a high-tech, no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was an
electric orange juicer.
I thought it would be responsible of me to inquire about her medical
history. Her gynecologist had said that, though she needed retreads, she
didn't have any social diseases. This was a relief because it meant the
president wouldn't have to order a stand down of all naval operations. Her
neurologist had said that her brain was still a virgin, its fragile tissues
untouched by knowledge.
Her favorite literary work was Kafka's "Metamorphosis". She hadn't
read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of the music video. She could
emphathize with a human mind that finds itself trapped inside the body of an
insect, because she suffered the opposite problem.
She was my girl of my dreams.
Toward the end of the evening, I made my move. "Pound bang slash bin
slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."
She fell against me, nearly swooning. Should I strike while the iron
is hot? The sperm bank had already scheduled to within 4 minutes every
ejaculation I would have in the next year. But how often does a man find true
love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm bank, spreading
myself thin, so to speak.
"Candy, would you like to go to my place and view my itchings? We
could practice CPR. I'll check you for tumors. Maybe a lower GI series?"
We got to my apartment and with a flourish I opened the door to my
my lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."
"Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."
We wasted no time. She was so hot her bust deployed like a Chrysler
air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle twiddle pipe mount socket pound
bang pound bang splat return. Consummate, consummate, consummate.
In the morning I staggered to the sperm bank. The vigor of youth had
abondoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse to achieve the hardness needed
to raise my flag over Iwo Jima and produce a specimen. The cup would've held
more microbes if it was filled with Jersey tapwater.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose that day for a spot check of my
handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a microscope, but couldn't find
anything. He continued hunting for Red October and finally found a sperm.
It tried to swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.
So, my career ended as soon as it started. But my romance has
flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging libidinal dynamo, but
nothing me and some new vacuum cleaner attachments can't handle.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 12:45:39 CST
From: ames!frord.austin.ibm.com!meo (Miles ONeal)
Subject: The Quiz and the fate of female unix (fwd)
To: spaf
|
| John C Dvorak's Great Operating System Quiz
| ...
| 14. (to be answered by men) If you were stuck on a desert island
| with only one woman, whom would you choose?
| Unix) a photo of Kim Basinger
| ...
| 15. (to be answered by women) If you were stuck on a desert island
| with only one man, whom would you choose?
| Unix) a photo of Kim Basinger
| ...
| Anyone scoring 17 straight "Unix" answers should seek counseling
| immediately.
Nevermind the obvious implications inherent in wymyn answering #15
at all, it is worth noting that to get 17 answers, one must answer
*both* #14 and #15, in which case how you could have "straight"
anything is beyond me.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 12:02:06 PST
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: You-all come back now, you hear?
To: yucks
>From News of the Weird...
At least 92 restaurants in Luoyang, China, were shut down in August
after government inspectors discovered they had been inserting opium
pods and seeds into their dishes to addict customers to their food.
Almost one ton of pods and seeds was confiscated. Officials became
suspicious when they saw long lines of people waiting to get into some
restaurants while neighboring restaurants were empty.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 10:33:05 EST
From: jj@research.att.com
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #101
To: spaf
Gene, the Sean Mason datasheet was defective. Here find some
essential corrections.
...
otherwise undesirable. When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK
debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem. See TANTRUM, below.
DIAGNOSTICS
CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow
or output queue overflow. As the operating system accumlates more data, it
eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation.
SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow
rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning.
BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available
input. TANTRUM, an audio-visual alarum indication, usually commencing
after some maturation of the operating system, is a multiple alarum,
indication, involving CRY, WAVE_FIST, STOMP_FEET, and VOMIT, (a reversal
of the input queue) indicating a failure to successfully manipulate
its controlling units.
...
for approximately 8 of every 24 hours. Termination of recharging mode may
raise the CRY alarm condition. After 1.5 years of maturation, it may
also raise the TANTRUM indicator.
...
is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly
referred to as "baby talk". Appearances of the TANTRUM alarum may cause
tolerant wise-head-shaking and utterances of the sort "She must be two now".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 91 07:41:46 PST
From: ddgarcia@sprite.Berkeley.EDU (Daniel D. Garcia)
To: yucks
The following is from "Technically speaking" - IEEE Spectrum 11/91 p.18
Few subcultures are as shrouded in mystery or folklore as is the
hacker's and software programmer's. Even engineers are in the dark
about much of what goes on after they hit RETURN, while to lay people,
the jargon tha hedges in the world of the PUSH, POP, and PRINTF can
seem inpenetrable.
By now the public image of those who deal with software is as much
fantasy as fact, so it is to be hoped that the arrival of _The New
Hacker's Dictionary_ (MIT Press, Cambridge, Mass, US $10.95) will clear
the air. The book collates over 16 years of work by an informal group
of computer users, who have taken inputs from computer professionals
and students all over the world and compiled them in a maaster "jargon
file" on the Internet research network.
"We wanted it to entertain people, but also be a serious work for
lexicographers and scholars studying the hacker culture," one of the
dictionary's editors, Eric Raymond, told IEEE Spectrum. "The culture I
live in is being threatened by an oversimplified image of hackers as
criminals or vandals. I want to reclaim the word, and I want the public
to see the positive side of hacking."
...
Even as the book is being published, the original file (in flat ASCII
form) is available for downloading over Internet ftp from
mc.lcs.mit.edu in file pub/jargon/jargon296.ascii
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------