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Yucks Digest V1 #89
Yucks Digest Tue, 1 Oct 91 Volume 1 : Issue 89
Today's Topics:
administrivia
Funny FrameMaker message
Hypothetical
NutWorks Issue022...
Slab Wagon humor
The Wizard of Zone
Your mail to ofut
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue Oct 1 09:19:23 EST 1991
From: Who else?
Subject: administrivia
To: yucklings
This may be the last Yucks digests for a few weeks. Between now and the
21st of October, I am on the road and only back home for 2 days on
weekends. Thus, I may not have time or energy to pull together another
digest until after I'm finished with this set of trips.
However, please continue to send your contributions in and I will
inflect them on the masses when I am able.
If you're at the National Computer Security Conference, the Symposium on
Testing, Analysis and Verification, or the Austrian Unix Users' Group
Conference, find me and say hi. Or don't.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 11:35:34 PDT
From: durway@rtp.dg.com (Lindsey Durway)
Subject: Funny FrameMaker message
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.folklore.computers
Someone just told me about this one, so I went and verified. It's
another case of development slipping one past the "suits:"
When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word
Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does
it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"!
(FYI, FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products.)
------------------------------
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP
Subject: Hypothetical
[I found this in my archives while looking for something else.
I originally posted this sometime in 1985 to the redoubtable net.singles
I never heard if this guy took any of my advice. :-) --spaf]
In article <191@dmcnh.UUCP> gts@dmcnh.UUCP (Guy The Schafer) writes:
>OK. Say a hypothetical 21 year old single male person was invited
>to the home of his hypothetical parental units for an anniversary
>party to be held about 1000 miles away.
>So he jumps on the plane not alone but with a happily-married
>35 year old female person with whom the hypothetical male has
>been having a affair for eighteen months.
>Enter hypothetical male with companion into room containing
>hypothetical parents (2) and hypothetical grandparents (4) and
>hypothetical brother (1).
>What does he introduce the female person as?
>And how does he get the same bed with her that night? Hoo-boy.
>
>This is all hypothetical, of course.
Right.
Here are some suggestions for introductions and so on. The author
(me) assumes no responsibility for the success or failure of any
of these approaches:
1) "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Wilbur. He's an old college buddy
of mine. I thought you'd be fascinated to see him -- isn't that about
the most amazing makup job you've every seen? But don't worry --
he's straight, so there's no problem putting us in the same room
tonight."
2) "Hi! Folks, this is Wilma. She followed me home. Can I keep her?
I'll feed her and walk her, and she can sleep at the foot of my
bed. Pretty please?"
3) "This is Sheeba, my sex therapist. You'll have to put us in the same
room tonight, or all we've worked for will go for naught and I'll
probably regain my sick lust for little boys covered in mayonaise."
4) "Grandad, this is Hesther. She's helping me with my project in
civil disobedience -- we're going to sleep together and violate
not only state laws against adultery, but the federal Mann Act.
As citizens, it's our duty to protest stupid laws -- don't
you think?"
5) "Grandmother, I'd like you to meet Bitsy. You know how cold
it always gets in my room at night? Well, I brought Bitsy
along so I wouldn't catch pnuemonia and die and ruin the
whole weekend for Mom and Dad."
6) "Dad, I must have inherited it from you. I made one mistake with
Yolanda here, and she won't let me be. She claims she's never met
a man like me, and unless she spends every night with me, she'll
phone her husband, Guido, and tell him that I kidnapped her. Dad,
I don't think any of us want Guido to violate the conditions of
his probabtion."
7) "Folks, remember how I work in computers? I'd like you to meet
one of the projects I've been working on -- X-13/A. This is a
state-of-the-art project in robotics. I'm sorry I had to bring
work home with me, but we've gotten a rush order to test these
out. I'm afraid I'm going to be up all night tinkering with
this prototype model, but I'll just work in my room with
the door closed so as not to disturb you."
8) "I'd like you meet my employer, Maybelline. She and her husband
want children, but Herbert is infertile, so they hired me to serve
as the father. I'm sorry I had to bring work with me during your
anniversary, but you can imagine how critical proper timing is
with something like this, and by our calculations, 1:03am is
the peak time for me to punch in, so to speak."
9) "Francine here is a nurse. I had an injury recently that causes
me to go into seizures and stop breathing during the night while I
sleep. She's been assigned to stay with me at night to save my
life when it happens. Don't fret about it much -- she's highly
trained and has brought all the necessary equipment. Thank
God for Medicare and modern medicine!"
10) "Happy Anniversary folks! This is Agent Smith, of the...er...
well, a Federal agency. I can't tell you what I've been doing
at work recently, but she is supposed to be with me 24 hours a
day. If you see any strange cars in the neighborhood, let
her know immediately."
Good luck. And let me offer a bit of advice
(and a line you've probably heard already): be careful not
to leave any marks.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Mar 88 03:49:29 GMT
From: BRENT@MAINE.BITNET (Brent C J Britton)
Subject: NutWorks Issue022...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[This was in my archives. I found it while looking for something else.
It isn't Valentine's Day, but what the heck -- it's always the right
time for a little romance! --spaf]
Originally-from: NutWorks, Issue 22, volume VI,
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
"Shower the people you love with love."
-- James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."
-- Anonymous
Lover's Quiz #1
===============
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)
Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know
how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score your-
self as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for
each C, and 10 points for each D.
1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook
2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friend's single
3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
textbook
4. If she says "no" she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. She's gagged and can't answer
5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card
6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics
7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it
8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma
9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/she's doing
D. Robotics
10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order
Results:
10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.
How to Get a Date
=================
by the Jabberwock <PM107>
submitted by JRP
How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice
-----------------------------------------------------------
First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going
to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn
all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since
I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I
should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.
Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said
target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a
door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the
bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.
Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and
when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a messeage for
so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper
to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave
something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and
collect it sometime.
DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as "Get lost, you pervert!"
GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.
As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at
first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the
bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,
which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up
lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room
with the same number of limbs as you went in with is "Do you come here
often?" It is the target's room after all.
HAPPY HUNTING!!!
Lover's Quiz #2
===============
by Jazzman
A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibilty. Section One is
for women, Section Two for men.
Section One (Women):
1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)
2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my date's lap (+15)
3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)
4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)
5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)
Scoring for Women:
-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!
70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
with your best shot!
Section Two (Men):
1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)
2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)
3. My dates usually say:
A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)
4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didn't) (+5)
C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)
5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)
Scoring for Men:
-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your own yourself and the world a favor: commit your-
self to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
accountant.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what any
woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
dating.
65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date
for any mature woman.
------------------------------
Date: 30 Sep 91 10:30:05 GMT
From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: Slab Wagon humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Source: Exerpt from local article in Spokane Spokesman-Review by K.
Darcy Hanzlik concerning county employees who remove road kills, those
"unfortunate critters that (have) met destiny with the roll of a tire:"
Road kill is "a fact of like so you've got to have a sense of humor
about it," said Dick Novotney, a state road maintenance supervisor who,
like many in his field, keeps his hand on the "You-Hit-It, We-Spit-It
Road Kill Grill" menu.
No one is quite sure where the mock menu came from, but it sports such
dishes as "The Chicken that Didn't Quite Cross the Road," "Poodles 'N'
Noodles," "Chunk of Skunk," and the daily special -- "Anything Dead
Between 2 Slabs of Bread."
[Sounds like some of the meals they serve in the residence hall
cafeterias. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 1 Oct 91 10:30:05 GMT
From: scannell@bubba.ma30.bull.com (P Scannell)
Subject: The Wizard of Zone
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[I have no idea what the point of this is, but some of the jokes inside
are among the funniest I've read in quite a while.... This one is
long, but it is worth it. --spaf]
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
The Wizard of Zone
Once upon a time in Depression-era Kansas there was a little
black boy named Zachary X (pronounced "ex" not "ten") who lived
on a farm. He was an orphan, a cheap device to garner your
sympathy. (Actually his parents were still alive, but had been
caught on the Underground Railroad during a fare increase, and
didn't have enough money to get off. This story had eventually
been made into a song about white people called "Charlie on the
MTA".) He lived with his Aunt Angela and Uncle Eldridge, who
were Kansas dirt farmers. They were doing very well at this.
What with half the topsoil in Oklahoma blowing in every week, the
dirt crop was the best in years. The dirt silo was filled to
overflowing, and the couple had been forced to hire three goofy
hired men to handle all the work.
Before this, Zachary had lived with a different aunt and uncle on
their pancake ranch in Texas. He had not liked that as well.
First of all, for some reason he didn't understand, the rest of
the family did not seem to get along with Uncle Tom and Aunt
Jemima. And he had to let old Mrs. Butterworth kiss him hello,
which got his cheek all sticky and yucky. His new home was much
more fun. Aunt Angela and Uncle Eldridge had many outside
activities and belonged to several clubs, and there was a steady
stream of interesting people at the farm, like that funny old Mr.
Hoover.
Zachary spent most of his time playing with his extremely
primitive (we're talking 1937, remember) personal computer and
reading his favorite series of books. His little dog Jojo, a
pedigreed Lithuanian sardine hound, helped him with the
programming. Jojo could talk (although only Zachary could
understand him) and could program in three languages: assembler,
Dogtran IV and the strongly-typed (with meaty nuggets for extra
protein) Dogula 2. But I am afraid that Zachary kept all the
really interesting projects for himself, and stuck Jojo with all
the dog work.
Zachary saw the world in monochrome, because of a childhood
disease which can only be cured by a blow to the head from a
flying window frame. (Naturally, the cure rate for this disease
is rather low, and most of its victims also suffer from multiple
head injuries.)
Zachary's favorite books were those about the magical world of
the Forbidden Zone. He had the entire set: The Wonderful Wizard
of Zone, the Enchanted Land of Zone, Patchwork Girl of Zone,
Patchwork Plot of Zone, Zone Messiah, Children of Zone, God
Emperor of Zone, Chapterhouse of Zone, Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Zone, Restaurant at the End of the Zone, Zone Vs. Godzilla,
Stallone Zone IV, Pragma Paige and the Honey Tree, and many
others too numerous to mention. But now Ripoff House has
collected them all in one terrific collection, not available in
any store with any sense. Now how much would you pay? Don't
answer yet because I'm not listening! (Sorry, I got carried
away.)
Anyway, Zachary often daydreamed of going to the Zone some day.
Once he fell into the pig pen and one of the pigs ate his brand
new graphics board. In his depression, he sang a heartrending
and unforgettable ballad called "Over the 640K Barrier."
Unfortunately, I don't remember the lyrics.
Then one day the skies grew dark. When Kansas people yell
"Twister!" they don't mean the game from Milton Bradley.
Zachary awakened from his nap and listened to the voices around
him. "To the storm cellar!" shouted a voice, closer now. It
was his uncle El. Auntie Ange replied, but the answer was gone
with the wind.
This was a new concept for little Zachary. What kind of man was a
storm seller? How did he carry them? How much did he sell
them for? Zachary wanted to find out. He ran for the front
door, followed by Jojo. Outside the wind blew, and there were
dark clouds down the road. That must be where the storm seller
was!
But as he drew closer the winds begin to blow harder, until they
almost blew him off his feet. He began to be a little bit
frightened. What if this was a storm which somehow escaped from
its cage, a wild and dangerous storm? Perhaps Uncle El wanted to
complain to the storm seller for letting it loose. Zachary
discreetly turned back.
When he reached the house, no one was there. He was carrying
Jojo now, so that the wind would not blow him away. He decided
the best thing was to hide under the bed until the storm went
away. But he was not quite quick enough. One of the windows was
suddenly blown from its frame, striking Zachary in the head and
knocking him unconscious.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR ...
"Try new ..."
THANK YOU, BUT THAT WAS TWO WORDS.
BACK TO OUR DIALING FOR DOLLARS MOVIE!
When Zachary regained consciousness, he saw the world in color
for the first time in his life. He counted the pixels: 640 by
200, IBM Extended Graphics Adapter standard. That was good,
because it meant he could run Windows. He felt the top of his
head, where he now had a very painful Windows interface (all
Windows interfaces are painful, it is merely a question of
degree) the size of a hen's egg.
Outside, the world looked like an MGM musical. The scenery was
brightly colored and obviously artificial. (That's what the Zone
is like.) The house was surrounded by little tiny people, and
one big one who asked him, "Are you a generally pleasant and
friendly witch, or a crabby, difficult and potentially dangerous
witch?"
BUT MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE ZONE
Pragma Paige placed the diskette into the drive and brought the
first file onto the screen. It wasn't what he expected.
"'Twas brillig and the slithy developers ..."
Quickly he looked at the second file:
"How doth the little crocodile
debug its shining code?
And transmit Email all the while
from node to node to node?"
"This isn't anything to do with PC mail," he said grumpily. He
was still annoyed over the degrading events of a previous
episode, and of course a scene in which the PC gets all the best
lines is always rather thankless. Also, he was puzzled.
Technical note: Pragma's brain runs under Virtual Human 3, a
paged multitasking environment. Fortunately his memory is large
enough to run both ONEmiffed and ONEpuzzled without a lot of
paging. A number of users of VH1 Release 3 reported severe
problems with thrashing, especially when running memory hogs like
Trivial Pursuit Expert, Life-of-the-Party Simulator or PS/2
(Pseudo-Intellectual Release 2). These problems were handled by
making a note in the Brainware Release Bulletin in very small
print.
"I'm puzzled," he said, continuing the trend of this episode
toward banal dialogue.
Technical note: "Dialogue" is in fact the correct word, as we are
discussing intertask communication within Pragma's brain using
USO standard protocols. These protocols specify a twenty-layered
architecture which includes the seven ISO layers, plus the ozone
layer, several layers of vanilla-flavoured egg creme, a
bricklayer and several others too technical to be described
here. (The interface between the Presentation layer and the
layer of egg creme would be an issue of the IEEE Journal all by
itself.)
"This isn't the data I saw put onto the diskette in Paris." In
the background, the orchestra struck up a medley of tunes from
"An American in Paris," but Pragma ignored them. "It's been
turned into silly parodies of Lewis Carroll." He printed out the
contents of the diskette and headed over to the newly constructed
PC Mail Development Complex. When he arrived, however, two men
with sledgehammers were going at one of the walls as though they
were being paid by the hour. "What's going on?" asked Pragma.
(Let's face it, you would have done the same thing.)
"Oh, we're not doing PC Mail any more, so the buildings are being
torn down to make way for a software factory." (In fact the
decision was not yet irrevocably made, hence the two guys with
sledgehammers instead of a wrecking ball.)
"Not doing PC Mail any more? But what about me?"
"Well, I don't know. We've only got the two sledgehammers. I
guess you'll have to go find your own."
"What I really need is a drink," said Pragma, even though he was
a teetotaler (actually, he did not total his own tees, but had a
Lotus spreadsheet to do it for him automatically) and proceeded
to go over to Wreckable Ed's for a few Jalapeno Surprises.
(These are made from 1000 proof vodka in which jalapeno peppers
have been soaked for several weeks. They are best served at a
bon voyage party for your brain.)
You thought the dialogue was silly up to now? Well, when Pragma
arrived there was a woman sitting at the bar. "Hi there," said
Pragma. "What's your sine?" He thought that up himself, so
don't blame me for it.
"That depends," she said, "on what your angle is."
"Zero degrees," said Pragma. (Meanwhile a waitress had come and
collected his Component Drinking Plan and Master Drinking
Schedule, and was getting the required signatures.)
"Just as I thought," she retorted, using a real retort, something
Pragma had not seen since college chem lab. "A degenerate
case."
"Too true," replied Pragma.
MEANWHILE IN comp.unix.programmer:
THE GO TO BLAZES CONSIDERED HARMFUL
Pragma awoke gradually, and found himself in a haystack behind
what appeared to be a barn. "Let's see," he said to himself as
he consulted his Component Plan, "if I'm on schedule (which of
course I always am) this should be the outskirts of Bialystok."
He found that he only remembered bits (or booleans, if you don't
like dealing directly with the hardware) of what had happened at
Wreckable Ed's. He remembered asking some woman what her sine
was, and that the conversation had gone off on a tangent after
that. Finally, he had tried to pay her a compliment, but it was
a one's compliment and turned out to be incompatible with her
hardware. She had angrily accused him of trying to divide by
zero and stormed out.
But that hadn't stopped him. After all, what was he, a man
or a peripheral device for graphical input? He had gotten off
his stool and -- that was it! He had gotten off his stool and
fallen on his head. And now he was somewhere in the steppes of
wherever Bialystok is. (75% of high school students in Florida
said that Bialystok was the capital of South Dakota, and that its
principal export was the South American rutabaga. How can a
megastudent be wrong?)
He got up and stretched. The latter was was a mistake
because it made him taller and thinner, so that his clothing no
longer fit. Suddenly a lion ran by.
The lion was followed by three other figures: a young black
man, a robot (or someone like him) and a man who appeared to be
made of straw. But apparently the lion was too fast for them,
and they finally gave up the chase.
"What was that all about?" asked Pragma, knowing he would be
sorry later that he had asked.
"That lion was trying to sell me a minicomputer, but the minute I
started asking any technical questions he turned pale and ran."
"What were you asking? Competitive analysis type questions?
That might have made him nervous."
"No, nothing like that. Things like what character sets were
supported and could I get 300 megabyte drives."
"Hmm. Who are you guys, anyway?"
"I'm Zachary X. This is Strawman McTentative, a planner
without a plan. And this is Ironout Newbudget, who used to be an
accountant until he rusted up."
"You're not a robot, then?"
"No, I used to be flesh and blood like yourself, only
good-looking. But when hard times came, my deparment had to take
a 20% budget cut, so we all had one leg each cut off and replaced
with mechanical legs, rather than lay off any whole people. It
was the financially viable thing to do. Then the next layoff
came, and the next, and finally we all ended up like this. Even
that would have been all right, I suppose, if I had stayed out of
the rain."
"And now we're going to Integration City to see the Wizard,"
added Zachary.
"You're certainly taking the long way around," said Pragma.
"This is White Russia." Zachary X looked a little nervous, and
Ironout glanced reprovingly at Strawman, who had been giving the
directions. Strawman looked apologetic.
"Well, when we get there I'm going to ask the Wizard for a
new brain," said Strawman.
"And I suppose you're going to ask him for a heart," said
Pragma to Ironout.
"A what?"
"Well, it's lucky I ran across you people. I'm going to
Integration City myself, and it would have taken me all day to
walk there. But with four people we can do it in six hours."
And so they could.
After the others were done, Pragma asked the Wizard a
question. "Can you tell me how to recover a Unix file that I've
accidentally deleted?"
"Sorry," said the Wizard. "I'm not that much of a Wizard."
THE END
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 91 9:37:53 EDT
From: ofut@hubcap.clemson.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: Your mail to ofut
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
[I have my vacation program turned on. Jeff hates auto-replies, I guess.
This is a pretty funny hack at my auto-reply message. --spaf]
This is a recording.
Ofut is out of the universe indefinitely.
Your message to him entitled "Re: your mail ... "
has been received, and you will get a response if he returns (and
relizes where he is!). Try to be patient!
In the meantime, if you can't wait and are writing:
About Contact instead
----- ---------------
Football @ Purdue anybody@cs.clemson.edu (Kent McCoy)
Coupling experiments harrold@cs.clemson.edu (Mary Jean Harrold)
Copuling experiments shh@cs.clemson.edu (-----------------)
problems with ofut's mailer spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Short Fat Dwarf)
CS 472 buzzoff@cs.purdue.edu (hah!)
CS 872 (see CS 472)
The IMSCU package sdlee@ibm (sorry, they don't do internet.)
If you are writing to offer large sums of money, beer, fast girls,
or other trinkets and amusements, you can contact suzi@cs.clemson.edu --
(803-656-3444) she knows how to reach Ofut in such an event (but will
demand a percentage). She can also contact Ofut in an emergency.
If you are seeking to serve a subpoena, you've got the wrong address,
wrong guy, wrong planet, wrong universe. Later dude.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------