[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V1 #87
Yucks Digest Thu, 26 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 87
Today's Topics:
Another kind of protection (fwd) [for Yucks]
Compatible Software
Computer calendars
Computer nagging
DB: DON'T GET TICKED OFF OVER TICKS
Death Hard II: Deatharder: A Book Review
jabberwocky in other languages?
MSS group
On the passing of Dr. Seuss
Original `Paladin' Wins Battle
Propaganda
Rowdy `Planet' To Open In NYC
The Unimplemented/Invented/Premature/Failed Standards Chart, 9/6/91
Threes, Rev 1.1
What are Tongas?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 8:53:46 EDT
From: rsk@chestnut.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Another kind of protection (fwd) [for Yucks]
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
It's the signature, not the content of the message...
Forwarded message:
>From: ilana@bierstadt.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana Stern)
>Newsgroups: rec.climbing
>Subject: Another kind of protection
>Summary: No, I don't mean condoms. Dirty minds!
>Date: 25 Sep 91 19:04:26 GMT
>Organization: Scientific Computing Division/NCAR, Boulder, CO
>
>[...]
>
>--
>Someday, perhaps, it will be considered a normal weekend's entertainment
>to, say, suit up in Kevlar and go rocketing off a mile-long Teflon-coated
>downspout, describing a perfect 200-foot Day-Glo arc before landing,
>presumably without permanent injury, in a sea of Styrofoam peanuts.
Will I be allowed to do it in my kayak?
---Rsk
[Do what in your kayak? If I went rocketing out a downspout for 200 ft,
what I'd do in my kayak would not be pretty or sanitary! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 25 Sep 91 23:30:15 GMT
From: csg@pyramid.pyramid.com (Carl S. Gutekunst)
Subject: Compatible Software
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A true story, from someone who was there at the time, circa 1980.
It seems that our favorite telephone company had a terrible problem:
employees were pilfering office supplies for their children. In par-
ticular, three-hole loose-leaf binder paper. It was decreed by the
powers that be that this sort of waste was unacceptable, and a long-
forgotten bureaucrat was assigned the task of discouraging theft of
three-hole paper.
The bureaucrat's solution was simple: the company would now use *four*-
hole paper, with the holes drilled differently so as to be incompatible
with the typical school-child's binder. Four-hole loose-leaf paper was
ordered, along with proper four-ring binders; new manuals, documentation,
and other papers were likewise printed on four-hole paper, so all binders
and paper would be happy and consistent throughout the company.
The result was, naturally, that employees stole both the binders *and*
the paper.
Since the company was now suffering larger losses than before, it was
decreed that the they would return to traditional three-hole paper and
binders. But there was the problem of an existing large inventory of
four-ring binders. Hence, with truly Solomonic wisdom, it was further
decreed that all new paper would have *seven* holes, and would thus be
both upward and downward binder-compatible. And, to this day, 8+1/2 by
11 documents from our favorite telephone company still have 7 holes in
them.
All of which nicely demonstrates that System V Release 1 and System V
Release 4 were not a fluke.
[For the benefit of those not UNIX-literate: System V Release 1 ignored
BSD UNIX and really hoped it would go away. System V Release 4 wants to
be compatible with every UNIX in existence.]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 11:35:37 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Computer calendars
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The Far Side goes Electronic
While keeping track of appointments is hardly a source of great
amusement, fans of The Far Side cartoon strip will soon have reason
to smirk at even the most hectic of schedules. Created by software
maker Amaze Inc. based in Kirkland Wash., the Far Side Computer
Calendar works with any PC compatible. Similar to other calendar
programs, it provides reminders of important dates and daily
itineraries. But instead of using a bland calendar format, Amaze
worked with Far Side creator Gary Larson to include 365 original
drawings never seen in the more than 1,000 newspapers that print
his works. What is more, reflecting the strip's offbeat humor,
animations such as penguins on an ice float across the screen at
random intervals. An Apple Macintosh version will be out in October.
{Business Week, Sept 16, 1991}
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 13:34:45 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Computer nagging
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Voices In The Screen
InformationWeek Sept 9, 1991
Bright Star Technology has an accessory designed to help you manage
your time, by literally reminding you what to do. The system, called
At Your Service, features a talking actor; you choose from three,
either male or female. You can also opt for animated figures. The
face of the actor or characters appears in the corner of an Apple
computer Macintosh screen and audibly instructs the user about what
to do next. Even though each actor performs the same function, "they
all bring about different personalities," says Alan Higginson,
president of the Bellevue Wash. firm. "The user can pick which one
they want to use at any given time, or add additional ones."
Available at an additional cost, a Bright Star animation tool can
bring your friends and family to "life" on your computer. The
features of the program include greetings; reminders of important
dates or deadlines; mail calls, which alert to incoming messages via
Microsoft mail and CE Quickmail; and Health Watch, which notifies
you when it is time to take a break. The system also provides
preventive care information, such as System Report, which describes
the state of your CPU, including memory usage. At Your service
retails for $59.95 and is available through distributors, mail order
and retail stores.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 15:43:45 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: DB: DON'T GET TICKED OFF OVER TICKS
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
DON'T GET TICKED OFF OVER TICKS
-- by Dave Barry [09/15/91]
Today's topic is the US National Tick Collection.
But first, I must make yet another correction on the meaning
of the French expression "savoir faire." As you may recall, I
wrote a column stating that "savoir faire" means "ear size." A
reader wrote back stating that I was a bonehead. So I wrote a
column apologizing for my mistake and stating that the correct
definition of "savoir faire" is, in fact, "nose hair."
I thought this had settled the matter, but recently I got a
letter from another irate reader, Liliane Adams of North Haven,
Conn. Her letter begins: "Are you a complete idiot?"
Having thus softened the blow, she points out that (a) I am
still wrong about "savoir faire," and (b) she knows this because
she, personally is French.
Well, of course, now I feel like a major horse's patooty (or,
as the French say, "une bigge butte du cheval"). So this time, in
preparing my correction, I had my staff of highly trained research
assistants go over it thoroughly, both visually and by barking at
it. Thus I am 100 percent confident when I state that "savoir
faire" does not mean "ear size" or "nose hair." It means "armpit
fumes," as in: "Due to unusually high levels of 'savoir faire,'
the surgeon general is advising against travel in France."
I'm glad we got that straightened out. I sincerely hope that
my carelessness has not offended anyone else of the snail-eating
persuasion.
Speaking of repulsive creatures, today's topic, as I said, is
the National Tick Collection. If you think I'm making this up,
check the June 1991 issue of National Georgraphic. There you'll
find a fascinating news item brought to my attention by alert
readers Scott and Irene Dean. It begins:
"The US government has solved the problem of who should pay
for the upkeep on a million dead ticks by sending them to Georgia.
The National Institutes of Health has shipped the National Tick
Collection to Georgia Southern University in Statesboro with a
five-year, million-dollar grant to maintain it."
I'll pause here while you taxpayers wipe up the coffee you
just spat all over yourselves when you went: "What? We're paying
a million dollars to maintain dead ticks??"
Calm down. I checked into this, and it turns out that the
National Tick Collection is OK. For one thing, it's the largest
in the entire world. Japan may have overtaken us in technology,
but we're still No. 1 in deceased bloodsucking arthropods. The
National Tick Collection also has important scientific purposes.
I spoke to the curator, Dr. James Keirans. National Geographic
has a picture of Dr. Keirans holding a jar containing the largest
known breed of tick. It looks like a small turtle. If this tick
were to get hold of one of those yappy lap-style dogs about the
size of a Hostess Twinkie, you'd hear a quick "slurp," and all
that would remain of the dog would be lint.
Keirans said the National Tick Collection is basically a whole
lot of dead ticks inside jars; the whole thing "fits into an area
the size of a good-sized living room."
Keirans said scientists need to study ticks because they
(ticks) spread all kinds of diseases. He said scientists actually
go out looking for ticks. It's called "flagging," wherein the
scientist attaches a piece of white flannel to a broom handle,
then drags it over the grass, where the ticks grab on to it.
"I've been in situations where I've picked up the flag, and it
was black with ticks," Keirans said." "Then I looked down and my
pants were covered with ticks crawling up my legs."
(This scene could be the basis of a major horror film, called
"Tick," featuring Madonna as the Evil Tick Queen, wearing an
elaborate, anatomically correct female-tick costume featuring
173,000 mascara-smeared eyes and 11 million tiny breast cones.)
If a tick gets on you, the way to remove it is not to burn it
or put chemicals on it. Keirans recommends you grasp the tick near
its head, ideally using tweezers, slowly pull it out, and mail it
to the Publishers Clearing House. No! I made up that last part.
But the rest is true - an example of the useful information we get
from being the World Leader in tick research.
So I figure the National Tick Collection is a good investment
of my tax dollars, especially when you compare it with other
parasitic federal entities:
AMOUNT OF MONEY SPENT SENDING OUT "NEWLETTERS"
Congress: millions of dollars.
Dead Ticks: none.
USE OF GOVERNMENT LIMOUSINES TO ATTEND RARE-STAMP AUCTIONS
President's chief of staff: yes.
Dead Ticks: no.
Maybe it would be cost-effective to replace high federal
officials with dead ticks. Do you think that would work? Nah.
Dead ticks are lacking a quality that comes naturally to your top
federal leadership. Call it "savoir faire."
------------------------------
Date: 24 Sep 91 18:16:54 GMT
From: tgh@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Thomas Hammond)
Subject: Death Hard II: Deatharder: A Book Review
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
Well, Hi !!!
You know, as I look at 'talk.rumors', I realize that about half
of the entries are filled up with "Is so-and-so still alive ?" or
"I thought I saw so-and-so (presumed dead) standing on a corner in
Juno, Alaska !"
Well, I recently ran across a book that I'd like to share with you,
a book which should lay most of these rumors to rest, once and for
all.
The book is entitled, "COULD THEY BE, LIKE, STILL ALIVE ?", and is
authored by McNamara Puddle, PhD. "Like, Still Alive ?" is essen-
tially an investigation into the cult followers of various dead peo-
ple, dead people who have been 'seen', possibly, in Akron, Ohio, and
elsewhere, maybe in the supermarket in the frozen food section, or
possibly over near the motor oil.
Just listen to some of the rave reviews of this book:
"I read it." - Peter Paul Pringle, Sacramento "Muckraker-News"
"A fine example of facts, sparsely sprinkled throughout a huge set
of numbered pages." - Richard Oxen, "New World Gerontologist" magazine.
"I looked at it from cover to cover." - Lorraine Slumbrous, The
St. Paul, Minn, "Plain Chump".
"While reading it at lunch, I could hardly keep it down." - Serepta
Klaxon, The Alamoso "Stammerer-Herald".
Dr. Puddle, using the "Many pages make a thick book" style of
writing, has divided his 28 long chapters into four sections:
Section I: Rumors: In The Beginning:
Dr. Puddle hashes through a large group of unfounded rumors,
gossip, and unreliable 'sightings' and separates the truly, utterly
stupid from the totally impossible.
Section II: Possible Truths:
Building directly on the material presented in Section I, the
author begins to lay some foundations.
Section III: Probable Possible Truths:
The author continues to write, and shares with us some of his
favorite 'seance' recipes, including zesty homemade potato chips and
a really creamy French Onion dip.
Section IV: New Rumors: A New Beginning:
Not much can be said about this section without giving away the
surprise ending, an ending equal in impact to that of his other book,
"Asexual Reproduction In The Amazon Rain Forest".
Certainly "Could They Be, Like, Still Alive ?" is an important
book for everyone who regularly reads the 'talk.rumors' board. I
strongly recommend it.*
* When you have finished, please recycle this book.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 13:56:16 edt
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: jabberwocky in other languages?
To: spaf
[from an ongoing discussion in sci.lang on Jabberwocky translations --zip]
>From: rhh@alice.att.com (r hardin)
Newsgroups: sci.lang
Subject: Re: jabberwocky in other languages?
Summary: Autopunner
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Murray Hill NJ
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves | Two asp really candies lithe eat oaves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe | Teach ironed gym baloney wave
All mimsy were the borogroves | Wool mim sewer tabouric roves
And the mome raths outgrabe | Anthem ohm rafts shout grave.
Beware the jabberwock my son | Be wordy job awoke mice awn
The jaws that bite the claws that ca/| Teach Austin biding closet kedge
Beware the jubjub bird and shun | Voyeur teach up jobber tension
The frumious bandersnatch | Tough rheumious panders nudge.
He took his vorpal sword in hand | Eat duckies forepaw sardine hen
Long time the manxome foe he sought | Lung dime domains unvoice ought
So rested he by the tumtum tree | Swore aesthete tea biding humdrum dream
And stood awhile in thought | Ant study wile untaught.
And as in uffish thought he stood | Endorsing office thawed east too
The jaberwock with eyes of flame | Teach aver walk wit Aesop blame
Came whiffling through the tulgey wo/| Game whipple untruly told she wouldn't
And burbled as it came | Purple tacit game.
One two one two and thru and thru | Oo! Onto wand doing truant true
The vorpal blade went snicker snack | Tabour full-plate wince knickers knack
He left it dead and with his head | Hay lifted debt unwitty said
He went galumphing back | Hay winkle unfang beck.
And hast thou slain the jabberwock | Unhasty slimey job awoke
Come to my arms my beamish boy | Gummed tummy warms maybe mush buoy
Oh frabjous day callooh callay | Overawed juice steak Aleut galley
He chortled in his joy | Each shorted honest Joey.
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves | Two asp really candies lithe eat oaves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe | Teach ironed gym baloney wave
All mimsy were the borogroves | Wool mim sewer tabouric roves
And the mome raths outgrabe | Anthem ohm rafts shout grave.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Sep 91 20:37:21 GMT
From: davej@larry.sal.wisc.edu (Dave Johnson)
Subject: MSS group
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
The Midwest Schismatics Society (MSS) has recently met to discuss their
position on the supernatural. The high-lights of this meeting are
unimportant, several members began to chant "don't mess with our
crop circles/don't mess with our heads." Others were questioning
if a bent spoon goes on the right or left of a plate.
The main topic however, was Elvis sightings. Many of us would like
to see the King of Rock and Roll return. I , for one, would like him
to justify the selling of his sweat.
It was decided that the best place for Elvis to hid would be at the
Elvis Impersonator Conventions. Think about it, where else could he
walk around without people questioning him, bugging him about buying
batteries, or why his name is misspelled on his tombstone?
Besides, Elvis would more likely to be in Vegas than in Michigan.
Elvis, alive or dead, if you are listening, or if news can somehow
bridge the gap between our universes, come back, your wife is making
it with Leslie Nielson.
Disclaimer: no .sig file yet, don't respond, you wouldn't like my reply.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 91 21:51:24 PDT
From: lauren@vortex.COM (Lauren Weinstein)
Subject: On the passing of Dr. Seuss
To: spaf@vortex.COM
While I'll admit that this isn't a normal YUCKS message in and of
itself, I think it singularly appropriate that we recognize the
passing of Theodor Seuss Geisel, the one and only Dr. Seuss, at age
87, Tuesday night.
I know that I feel a genuine sadness at his passing. I've been a
fan since my earliest readings of his books as a child, and one of my
real regrets is that I never had the opportunity to meet him. While
I tried a couple of times to get him to appear at one of the bizarre
film festivals I ran at intervals (few people realize that he
co-wrote the screenplay of "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T"--a wonderful
film with sets straight from Dr. Seuss' surreal art). But he was a
shy man and avoided public appearances and interviews.
Many of us had our earliest concepts of humor and "bizarreness"
formed around the matrix of Dr. Seuss. He will be sorely missed,
but will live on in his books. May he rest in peace.
"I am Sam. Sam I am. Do you like green eggs and ham?"
"I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I Am.
--- from "Green Eggs and Ham"
by Dr. Seuss
"One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Old fish, new fish, one fish, two fish.
This one has a little star.
This one has a little car.
Say! What a lot of fish there are!"
.....
"Look what we found, in the park, in the dark!
We will take him home, we will call him Clark.
He will live at our house.
He will grow and grow.
Will our parents like this?
We don't know!"
From "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".
by Dr. Seuss.
[We owe the doctor much. He will be missed. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 23:08:25 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Original `Paladin' Wins Battle
To: yucks-request
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP)
A former rodeo rider who claimed CBS usurped his mustachioed
cowboy persona for the 1950s series "Have Gun, Will Travel" won his
decades-old battle with the television industry.
A federal jury on Monday determined Viacom International, a former
CBS subsidiary, was using Victor DeCosta's trademark without his
consent by distributing the series. DeCosta was awarded $3.5 million.
"I feel that I finally got justice," DeCosta, 83, said. "This will
show them who's who."
But DeCosta, dressed in his trademark black silky shirt and cowboy
hat and giant silver belt buckle, said he won't feel vindicated until
the show is shelved once and for all.
"The money to me is secondary at my age. Most of all what I want
is knock it off the air," DeCosta, of North Scituate said. "I've been
called an impostor and a phony long enough."
U.S. District Judge Ernest C. Torres was to decide Friday whether
to prohibit Viacom from distributing the series, which ran from
1957-1964 and has aired in syndication ever since.
A telephone message to Viacom's legal office was not immediately
returned. A Viacom spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuit
Tuesday.
The son of Portuguese immigrants, DeCosta said he first strapped
on his gun belt and saddled a black stallion as Paladin in 1947,
performing at rodeos and later in television commercials.
He said he was shocked a decade later when, while working as a
crane operator, strangers began telling him they'd seen him on
television.
"I said, `What are you talking about? These people are crazy,"'
DeCosta said.
When his sister became angry with him for not telling her he had a
television series, he decided to tune in. That began his 34-year
battle with the network.
The resemblance between DeCosta and the late Richard Boone, who
played Paladin on television, was so close the TV character even
handed out Paladin business cards like DeCosta.
"We told the jury if this were the Old West we'd take (Viacom) out
behind the corral and challenge them to a duel," attorney Richard W.
Petrocelli said.
DeCosta won a federal suit in Providence in 1966 that claimed CBS
stole the Paladin character, but the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals
overturned the decision, saying that DeCosta's calling cards failed
to qualify for copyright protection.
In a retrial, a federal magistrate found that CBS had infringed on
DeCosta's creation and ordered CBS to account for $12 million in
profits, Petrocelli said. But CBS won on appeal again.
In 1977 DeCosta received a federal registered trademark for
Paladin, but Viacom continued to air the series.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 09:54:44 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Propaganda
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
A co-worker just purchased a pair of track shorts. He came in,
in a state of disbelief and showed me the care label inside.
"NO IRONING"
"NO BLEACH"
"NO DRUGS"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 91 12:51:16 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Rowdy `Planet' To Open In NYC
To: yucks-request
By MATT WOLF
Associated Press Writer
LONDON (AP)
English musicals on Broadway are nothing new these days, which is
why "Return To the Forbidden Planet" is heading off-Broadway.
Whereas most Britain-to-Broadway spectacles rely on the likes of
falling chandeliers and helicopters to galvanize a crowd, "Forbidden
Planet" needs only a Shakespeare play and some musical golden musical
oldies to shake, rattle and roll the audience.
"Forbidden Planet" achieved fame in London last year as the rock
'n' roll show that beat "Miss Saigon" for the Best Musical prize at
the 1990 Olivier awards, London's Tony.
But in New York, producer Andre Ptaszynski is keeping the two
shows far apart so that audiences won't go expecting "Forbidden
Planet" to be anything but the rowdy fun that it is.
"The bizarre thing about awards is it yokes together shows that
shouldn't be compared," said Ptaszynski, whose musical in London cost
a fraction of the amount and has a fraction of the pretension of
its ballyhooed West End competitor.
"I never wanted to take it anywhere near Broadway. We'd be
crucified; it's obviously not Broadway fare," Ptaszynski said of
"Forbidden Planet." Instead, the musical starts performances Sept. 27
at the renovated Variety Arts Theater on the lower East Side. Opening
night is Oct. 10.
Ptaszynski said he was aiming for the hip, downtown audience that
made "Little Shop of Horrors" an off-Broadway smash a decade ago.
Like that show, "Forbidden Planet" is a campy, music-drenched
affair, wedding Shakespeare's "The Tempest" to the 1956 MGM cult
movie, "Forbidden Planet."
Characters include the "chisel-jawed" Captain Tempest, Dr.
Prospero, and his daughter Miranda, described in the London program
as "would-be homecoming queen and virgin."
Together, the three set off for the planet D'Illyria while the
theater rocks to songs like "Monster Mash," "Great Balls of Fire,"
and "All Shook Up."
Author-director Bob Carlton, who said he grew up during "the great
Americanization of Britain," said he regarded the New York run as
"the show going home."
"This is an Englishman's view of American pop culture," said
Carlton, 41, who was born in Coventry in the English midlands. "I was
brought up totally on American culture through that sieve which is
Britain."
Carlton wrote "Forbidden Planet" in 1983 for the Bubble Theater, a
London outfit that travels to open spaces, staging productions under
an enormous tent.
He then did the play in Liverpool before bringing it to a small
theater on the London "fringe." After that came the present West End
engagement at the 1,300-seat Cambridge Theater, where the show is
well into its second year. A separate Australian production opened in
Sydney in June.
Next up for Carlton is "In the Midnight Hour," which he described
as "an English working-class version of `American Graffiti."' It's
due to open at London's Astoria Theater at the end of the year.
------------------------------
Date: 7 Sep 91 02:49:45 GMT
From: brnstnd@KRAMDEN.ACF.NYU.EDU (Dan Bernstein)
Subject: The Unimplemented/Invented/Premature/Failed Standards Chart, 9/6/91
Newsgroups: comp.std.unix
``Unimplemented'' means that the standard was a requirement for
implementors before any implementations existed. ``Invented'' means
that the standard was not based entirely upon prior practice in the
industry. ``Premature'' means that advances in technology showed the
standard to be ill conceived within a few years of its introduction.
``Failed'' means that many or most of the intended users of the standard
actively avoid using it. Parenthetical notes indicate examples of how
the standard is premature or provide evidence of its failure.
``Unknown'' means that the standard has not yet been implemented widely
enough to judge one way or the other.
Name Unimpl. Invent. Premature Failed
POSIX.1 yes yes yes (job control) unknown
POSIX.2 yes yes unknown unknown
POSIX.12 yes yes unknown unknown
POSIX.17 yes yes unknown unknown
IEEE 854 ? no apparently not no
C (K&R, pcc) no no no no
ANSI C yes no? ? ?
Ada yes yes yes (OOP) yes (c2ada)
This chart will be posted periodically or at the whim of its editor.
Contributions, updates, and corrections are welcome; send mail to
brnstnd@nyu.edu.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 16:34:48 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Threes, Rev 1.1
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: johna@mobdig.ncal.mobdig.com (John Antypas)
Subject: Programmers Anthem
Threes, Rev 1.1
By Elms and L. Fish
Deep in Engineering down where mortals seldom go,
A manager and customer come looking for a show.
They pass amused among us and they sign in on the log,
They've come to see our pony, and they've come to see our dog.
Three things you should be wary of: a new kid in his prime,
a man with all the answers, and code that runs first time.
Summoned from our cubicles to conference rooms we go.
We bring our dog and pony cause we know they want a show.
Watching as we enter with a shifty routine eye,
The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie.
Three things never trust and that's: a vendors final bill,
the promises your boss makes, and the customer's good will.
The pony kicks his heels up as the doggy does his trick,
And hands are waved with vigor as we lay it on -- real thick.
The customer just watches as we do this song and dance,
Then reaches for his briefcase scarcely giving us a glance.
Three things see no end: a loop with exit code gone wrong,
a semaphore untested, and the verses of this song.
>From briefcase then there comes a list of things we must revise,
All before within the room are taken by surprise.
And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse, the
customer, the manager, the doggy and the horse.
Three things hold no secret: files that somehow hit the net,
your bosses secretary and the third thing -- I forget...
First thirty-seven changes that somehow we must add in,
Then twenty one new features show up much to our chagrin.
And this thing's just inadequate, and that one's just plain wrong,
And by the way, your schedule is about three months too long.
Three things it is better for that only you should know: how much
you're paid, the schedule pad and what is just for show.
The customer proceeds to go through each change line by line,
Excruciating detail that no logic can define.
When it ends there's only four not sitting there aghaw;
The customer, the manager, the pony and the dog.
Three things never anger: first the one who runs your DEC,
the one who does your backups and the one who signs your check.
Now we here all are software types who spend our days and nights,
Embedded in the system down among the bits and bytes.
And none but us can tell full well the damage done today,
It's for what they do not know for which they're gonna have to pay!
Three things are most perilous: connectors that corrode, new
unproven algorithms and self-modifying code.
The manager and customer are quick to leave our bunch,
They take the dog and pony and they all go out for lunch.
Now how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire,
Writing self-destructive code that goes the day the warrenties expire.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 12:38:39 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: What are Tongas?
To: rutgers!devnet.la.locus.com!armand
>> From: rutgers!devnet.la.locus.com!armand
>> Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 10:02:21 -0700
>> To: spaf
>> Subject: What are Tongas?
>>
>> Hi Gene,
>>
>> I got your latest yucks digest and it had references to Tonga plugs.
>> Could you elaborate on what they are used for? I mean you told us what
>> they're made of and what they look like, but what are they for?
>>
They're for the collector. They're for mature audiences only.
They're for the deliberate. They're for the uninhibited.
They're for people with sure grips and steady nerves.
They're for people without allergies to animal fur.
They're for the wide-awake. They're for the decisive.
They're for the long-term. Thery're a gift that keeps on giving.
They're for the novice, with a little coaching.
They're for that special occasion.
And they're ideal for a series of Usenet postings.
--spaf
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------