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Yucks Digest V1 #81
Yucks Digest Fri, 6 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 81
Today's Topics:
Acid test
Gus Hall, slow learner
High Concept Reviews (Summer movies parody for Yucks dist)
Questions at Disneyland
Seeing the Baltics (original)
Super Chicken?
Top 10 strange computer company names...
Wait'll next year...
Whereas our family always gets shoddy clothing at high prices...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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Date: Wed, 4 Sep 91 15:29:26 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Acid test
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Robert A. Day, in his book How to Write a Scientific Paper, complains
about authors who never USE anything, they UTILIZE. They never DO,
they PERFORM. They never START, they INITIATE. They never END, they
FINALIZE (or TERMINATE). They never MAKE, they FABRICATE. They use
INITIAL for first, ULTIMATE for last, PRIOR for before, SUBSEQUENT for
after, SUFFICIENT for enough, AT THIS POINT IN TIME for now.
A plumber wrote to the Bureau of Standards saying that he had found
hydrochloric acid good for cleaning out clogged drains. The Bureau
write back 'The efficacy of hydrochloric acid is indisputable, but
chlorine residue is incompatible with metallic permanence'. The plumber
replied that he was glad the Bureau agreed. The Bureau tried again,
writing 'We cannot assume responsibility for the production of toxic
and noxious residues with hydrochloric acid, and suggest that you use
an alternate procedure'. The plumber again said that he was glad the
Bureau agreed with him. Finally, the Bureau wrote to the plumber
'Don't use hydrochloric acid; it eats hell out of the pipes'.
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Date: Wed, 4 Sep 91 15:36:45 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Gus Hall, slow learner
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
from "A Lament by America's Top Communist", NYTimes, 8/31/91, p. 10
(An article describing a press conference by Gus Hall, chairman since
1959 of the Communist Party of the USA.)
Mr. Hall, who was last in Moscow three months ago, said he had no
plans to visit the Soviet Union in the near future. Instead, he offered
fellow-travelers a new model of the worker's paradise. "The world
should see what North Korea has done, in some ways it is a miracle,"
said Mr. Hall who has recently visited the country. "The capital is
one of the nicest, finest cities in the world. If you want a nice
vacation, take it in North Korea."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 91 11:29:30 PDT
From: rutgers!tc.fluke.com!moriarty (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: High Concept Reviews (Summer movies parody for Yucks dist)
To: spaf
Liked the "hot new summer movies" titles, and decided to go a bit further,
i.e. reviews for such movies:
==========
NATIONAL BLUE VELVET: The story of a girl training her horse for the Grand
Nationals in an odd American town. Academy Award nomination to Dennis
Hopper as her rather moody trainer.
A FRIGHT NIGHT AT THE OPERA: A vampire (Sig Rumann) moves next door to the
New York Metropolitan Opera company, and attempts to seduce it's financial
benefactor (Margaret Dumont), but is thwarted by an ex-game show host
(Groucho Marx), his Italian manager, and a mute vampire hunter. Famous for
Groucho's "My, what big teeth you have, Grandma!" line, and the classic
scene with 20 people cooped up in a coffin.
LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: James Bond tires of international intrigue
and cosmopolitan living, turns in his double-O license and moves to a small
town in the deep South, living as a hermit known as Arthur "Boo" Radley.
But when a group of sadistic bigots threaten the daughter of a local
attorney, Bond straps on his Walther PPK and wipes out the entire Alabama
Klan. Very satisfying film for liberals. Special mentions: Ken Adams' set
design for the huge launch pad (hidden beneath a cyprus swamp) used to
launch a burning cross into orbit; and Olivia D'Abo as "Scout" Finch.
THE PHILADEPHIA EXPERIMENT STORY: To keep his ex-wife (Katherine Hepburn)
from marrying an up-and-coming politician (Ronald Reagan) in 1943, a
scientist (Cary Grant) sends her into the future to see what the
consequences of the marriage would be. AAN to James Stewart as the PEOPLE
reporter who follows her around in 1982.
THE THING MAN: Science Fiction thriller about group of scientists and
soldiers stationed at the North Pole who uncover an extremely urbane, witty
married alien couple frozen in ice (with their pet Wookie, Rastah) who, when
revived, feed on plasma. Happy ending where pig blood from a local kosher
deli is used to satisfy Nrrk and Nrrr-a's appetites is a nice touch.
HIGHLANDER NOON: Just when an immortal sheriff is planning to settle down
with the local Quaker wench, three guys with swords show up on the noon
stage, intending to cut his head off. Slow story, but made famous by the
hit song, "Do Not Behead Me Oh My Darling."
GODZILLA IS MY CO-PILOT: Flag-waver about Navy test pilot who is convinced
that a giant radioactive lizard will bail him out if he has plane troubles.
Pretty maudlin, and the finale where Godzilla gets help for the flyboy after
a crash is a direct ripoff from almost any LASSIE episode.
"Well, as long as there's sex and drugs, I could do
without the rock 'n roll."
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Date: 1 Sep 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: price@bmkn2.physics.ucla.edu (The Quantum Mechanic)
Subject: Questions at Disneyland
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
These were told to me by a friend who works at Disneyland.
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
2) What time does the parade start?
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
------------------------------
Date: 5 Sep 91 07:20:08 GMT
From: yeff@apple.com (Jeff Soesbe)
Subject: Seeing the Baltics (original)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
from the IP (Imaginary Press) Newswire --
WASHINGTON - President Bush today finally recognized the three
Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. Sources within
the White House indicate that the President also got California,
Texas, Florida and New York, but is having a little difficulty
telling Vermont and New Hampshire apart.
Vice President J. Danforth Quayle, however, continues to remain
stuck at Hawaii and Alaska.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 91 23:41:21 -0400
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Super Chicken?
To: spaf
While listening to this evening's news, the local weatherman had
the following to say about the scattered showers that had deposited
around 5 inches of rain in very isolated areas last night in Atlanta.
"The winds between 2000 and 20000 feet, where the storm cells were,
was moving at only 5 miles-per-hour. It's sort of like a chicken
pushing a loaded railroad car."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1991 11:46:45 -0500 (EST)
From: Dwight McKay <mckay@gimli.bio.purdue.edu>
Subject: Top 10 strange computer company names...
To: bob
>From the Sept. 2 issue of InfoWorld:
The Top 10 Strange Computer Company Names:
10. FaceWare (Urbana, IL)
9. Out Of Your Mind and Into The Marketplace (Tustin, CA)
8. Jaw2 Microsystems, Inc. (Fremont, CA)
7. Bobbing Software (Buda, TX)
6. Caddylak Systems, Inc. (Brentwood, NY)
5. Bawamba Software, Inc. (Burbank, CA)
4. Propellerhead Software (Raleigh, NC)
3. Pseudo Corp. (Newport New, VA)
2. TwinHead Corp. (Milpitas, CA)
1. Networking Is My Life (Schenectady, NY)
------------------------------
Date: 5 Sep 91 23:30:06 GMT
From: phssra@unix.cc.emory.edu (Scott R. Anderson)
Subject: Wait'll next year...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From a local BBS:
During Operation Desert Storm, Gen. Schwartzkopf was walking about in the
Kuwaiti desert, and stumbled across something in the sand. Uncovering it, he
found an old lamp. He took the lamp back to his tent and proceded to polish it
up, and (of course) out pops a Genie. The Genie thanked Schwartzkopf for
releasing him from imprisonment, and told him that he would grant him any wish
that he desired. The General thought a moment and then unrolled a map of the
Middle East onto his table. He explained to the Genie about the wars that had
been ravaging the entire area, and his one wish was for peace throughout the
region. The Genie responded that he and his ancestors had been working on that
problem for several thousand years, had had no success, and now consider it
hopeless. He asked the General if there was another wish he could grant
instead. Schwartzkopf thought for a moment and finally said that he wished
that the Chicago Cubs could finally win a World Series. The Genie pondered a
moment and then said, "Why don't we take another look at that map?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 91 16:58:34 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Whereas our family always gets shoddy clothing at high prices...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From the July 25 San Francisco Chronicle, in an article about sweatshops
in the garment industry in San Francisco; Jose Millan, California's senior
deputy labor commissioner, speaking:
Millan denied, however, that lack of tough enforcement was
the principal problem.
"You can trace the real cause for these low-skilled unpaid
workers to the insatiable desire we have for bargains," he said.
"Why is our economy so geared to getting the best possible piece
of clothing at the cheapest possible price?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu Sep 5 12:27:22 EST 1991
From: spaf
To: yucks
If you want to see a rather interesing little catalog, then
contact:
Spy World
889 1st Ave.
New York, NY 10022
212 755 4900
The catalog has items like exploding briefcases and miniture
tape recorders hidden in umbrella handles -- you know, everyday stuff.
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Fri Sep 6 08:28:14 EST 1991
From: spaf
To: yucks
According to CNN, Pee Wee Herman made a surprise appearance at the MTV
Video Awards last night. He got a standing ovation from the crowd
when he asked "Heard any good jokes recently?"
Also heard last night (but not on CNN): How are Pee Wee Herman and
Jeffrey Dahmer alike? Answer: both have gotten in trouble for
whacking off body parts.....
So much for my resolution not to retell too many Dahmer or Pee Wee jokes.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 91 09:49:53 -0500
From: <address lost -- sorry>
To: yucks-request
Here are two of my favorites. I use them whenever possible, although
ANSI C has made the first one obsolete -
long time; /* no C */
time_t now; /* for fun */
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End of Yucks Digest
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