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Yucks Digest V1 #64
Yucks Digest Fri, 5 Jul 91 Volume 1 : Issue 64
Today's Topics:
Bell Labs: Shakeout Follows Breakup
bug reports for baby(1)
CHRISTIC RESOURCES: MULTIMEDIA
Create newsgroup alt.religion.adm3a
cutie
Diseases caught from toilet seats?
global warming
Judges, Lawyers and Whales
peculiar names
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition
Quayle's presidential insight
rats for sale
stanford research
Understatement of the month
What will they think of next?
When Worlds Collide?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
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list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 12:48:43 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bell Labs: Shakeout Follows Breakup
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
The 14 June 1991 issue of {Science Magazine} has an article under the
above title that will be of interest to some readers. Quick synopsys:
prior to divestiture Bell Labs was really a national resource, paid
for by a "tax" on all telephone users. After divestiture AT&T was a
much smaller company, operating in a highly competitive business
environment, so it's no surprise that Bell Labs could not be supported
in the style to which it had been accustomed. Now there has been a
reorganization to align the Labs more closely with the business needs
of the company. One of the researchers (who has left) argues that
what has been lost will not be replaced by innovations from startup
companies, because basic research requires a scientific culture and
long-term funding stability. "...the tragedy of this whole story is
that American society hasn't realized what it's lost."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Jul 91 00:51:12 EDT
From: hosking%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Doug Hosking)
Subject: bug reports for baby(1)
To: beck@cs.ualberta.ca
> BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)
>
> NAME
> BABY - create new process from two parent processes
>
In reviewing the doc for this command, I've found some apparent bugs.
Please address them for future releases.
Bug reports:
> SYNOPSIS
> BABY sex [ name ]
>
> SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
> /usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]
> NOTES
>
> baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck
>
Inconsistent command line descriptions - "-sex" and "-name" take arguments
Need to quote args to "-name" for parsing in case "-sex" appears after "-name"
Upper case command name in SYNOPSIS ????
Need to add "SEE ALSO" references to seed(3),
#ifdef PRO_CHOICE
SIGTERM,
#endif
SIGCHLD, SIGURG, and SIGIO. On FSF systems, also see man pages for sex and
celibacy.
Should have "-x" and "-y" options as aliases for "-sex"
>BUGS
> The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
> time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
> which must be handled by one or more parent.
Additional bugs:
Contrary to the documentation, the number of created processes is
non-deterministic, generally varying between 0 and 7.
Use of "des" tends to encrypt the child process, or increase the probability
of it calling abort(3C).
It should be documented that baby(1) does not work in single user mode.
On FSF systems, sex(1) tends to randomly invoke baby(1), violating the
rule of least astonishment in many cases.
By default, baby(1) should be installed with execute permission disabled.
At a minimum, it should require confirmation before executing.
Once started, baby(1) ignores SIGSTOP signals. There should be some way
to pause it, for the benefit of those who oppose the use of SIGTERM.
Running baby(1) in "while" loops is not recommended.
sex(1) should enforce discretionary access control (mandatory access
control in the case of children).
------------------------------
Date: 25 Jun 91 12:58:10 GMT
From: christic@igc.org
Subject: CHRISTIC RESOURCES: MULTIMEDIA
Newsgroups: misc.activism.progressive
BOOKS, VIDEOS, CLASSROOM RESOURCES FROM THE CHRISTIC INSTITUTE
The Christic Institute's Resource Center can meet your needs for
educational resources on covert operations, the war on drugs and
other national issues.
TRADING CARDS. Each boxed deck includes a set of 36 full-color
caricatures and fact-filled biographies on the reverse side.
Subjects range from ``Friendly Dictators'' to the ``Bush
League.'' Ideal as gifts, handy for the high school or college
student beginning to learn about the world.
_Iran-Contra Trading Cards_. Humorous but informative.
Describes ``freedom fighters'' North, Reagan, Bush, Hull,
Secord and 29 others. Text by Paul Brancato, art by Salim
Yaqub. $8.95.
_Friendly Dictators Trading Cards_. Features America's most
embarrassing allies from Noriega and Cristiani to Marcos and
Botha. Text by Dennis Bernstein and Laura Sydell, art by Bill
Sienkiewicz. $8.95
_Bush League Trading Cards_. An all-star collection of key
players in the Bush-Quayle Administration. Text by Paul
Brancato, art by Salim Yaqub.
[...rest of article deleted....]
[But when are we going to have the CS trading cards!? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 4 Jul 91 05:38:04 GMT
From: news (News System)
Subject: Create newsgroup alt.religion.adm3a
To: usenet
[This is proof that exposure to VDT radiation is dangerous! --spaf]
ucbvax!ocf.berkeley.edu!gwh requested that a new newsgroup called 'alt.religion.adm3a' be created.
It was approved by gwh@ocf.berkeley.edu (George William Herbert)
You can accomplish this by creating the newgroup yourself
In other words, by executing the command:
/usr/lib/news/inews -C alt.religion.adm3a
ucbvax!ocf.berkeley.edu!gwh says:
quietly worshipping the adm3a all these years.
Topics include:
The ADM3A: tool of gods, or just higher-order masochists
Just how many of those buggers are left, anyhow?
why the ADM3B and ADM5 got neater keys
Kinky things to do to/with/on the ADM3A
How to deal with people who make you use ADM3A's...permanently.
10 reasons ADM3A's are better than TVI920's
5 reasons why both should be melted into Nintendo parts
How to find a ADM3A Users Support and Withdrawl Group near you
Favorite failure modes of the ADM3A: natural and inflicted
How to connect your ADM3A to your Timex/Sinclair...and Like It.
Favorite uses of the 'HERE IS" key
Materials Testing of ADM3A: impact and crash test results
Just who's fault is the ADM3A, anyway?
-george william herbert
gwh@ocf.berkeley.edu
##############MODEM##############################EXTENSION##############
MODEL ADM3A | * **** | /--\ LISTED
SERIAL | * * * LEAR SIEGLER, INC. | |U | E.D.P EQUIPMENT
NO. | * * * ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA| | L| 135T
90772 | **** * | \__/
####PART NO. 129450########MADE IN USA################NFPA TYPE II######
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Jul 91 07:26:31 EDT
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu
Subject: cutie
(Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News,
Duluth, Ga 5 Dec 1990)
A poor farm boy in Wayne County, Ga. left home to make his way in
the world. He walked into town and stopped by the local church to
ask about work.
"The Lord's answered your prayers," said the pastor. "Our church
janitor just quit and we can hire you on the spot. Just fill
out this form."
"I'm sorry," said the young man, "but I never learned to so much
as write my name."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the pastor said, "but we can't hire you. What
if the phone were to ring when everyone was out? Why, you couldn't
even take a message."
The young man was discouraged, so he continued walking down the
road all the way to the coastal city of Brunswick. There he found
work as a fisherman. He saved his money and after a year invested
in a restaurant. It became popular and he became wealthy...so rich,
in fact, that he decided to open a chain of seafood restaurants. A
big loan was needed, so he hopped in his private jet and flew to meet
with a banker in Atlanta.
Everything went well, and finally the banker pushed a paper
toward him to sign for the loan. "I'm sorry," the young man said,
"but I never did learn to sign my name."
"Goodness," said the Atlanta banker, "you're one of the wealthiest
men in the state. Just think, where would you be now if you could
write your name?"
"I guess," the young man said, "I'd be a church janitor in Wayne
County, Georgia."
------------------------------
Date: 2 Jul 91 04:38:19 GMT
From: Leo.Bores@p25.f15.n114.z1.fidonet.org (Leo Bores)
Subject: Diseases caught from toilet seats?
Newsgroups: sci.med
In a message of <Jun 28 20:16>, Tristan Davies (1:114/15) writes:
>from: tbd@neuro.neuro.duke.edu (Tristan Davies)
TD>I've been curious for a while now about what diseases, if any, could be
TD>contracted during a stay on a toilet seat. Is using a seat protector
TD>worthwhile, or is it just a waste of paper? This seems like the stuff
TD>of weighty discussion ;^)
There was a study of just that published, I believe, in Lancet many years ago.
The investigators made up dummy feces from (clay?), contaminated the models
with various organisms and then dropped the "bombs" from various heights. They
mapped the splash patterns as well as cultured any splashed toilet water. The
conclusions were that you could not catch anything from toilet seats.
Leo Bores, M.D.
------------------------------
Date: 30 Jun 91 23:30:04 GMT
From: elnitsky@math.lsa.umich.edu
Subject: global warming
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
"... Perhaps of even greater significance is the
continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
that the environmental movement displays. The environmental
movement maintains that science and technology cannot be
relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce
a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that
is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that
there is one area in which the environmental movement
displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability
of science and technology, an area in which, until recently,
no one -- even the staunchest supporters of science and
technology -- had ever thought to assert very much confidence
at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds,
that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST
THE WEATHER! -- for the next one hundred years..."
George Reisman, "The Toxicity of Environentalism"
------------------------------
Date: 5 Jul 91 10:30:04 GMT
From: prangana@rnd.stern.nyu.edu (Nicky Ranganathan)
Subject: Judges, Lawyers and Whales
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991]
COURT SAYS LEGAL AID LAWYERS HAD RIGHT TO WEAR BUTTONS
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers
had a constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in
October, when they argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a
threatened strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court
ordered them to remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the
ground they could prejudice the court and upset their clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of
wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of
free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that
Justice Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons
such as those that said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued
a caution to all lawyers:
"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or
saving whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of
Americans would come down on the side of the whales"
[.....]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 15:11:17 EDT
From: decwrl!uunet!popeet!gypsy (moxie)
Subject: peculiar names
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
this article is reproduced without permission from a recent
issue of Washingtonian Magazine. the author is Diana McLellan.
=======
My daughter's in a fix. She's already used up her three favorite
names on her daughter, her cat, and her dog. So now, with a second
baby on the way, she's stuck.
Which is why I rejoiced when I laid my hands on the DC Department
of Human Services' latest list of babies' given names.
I've done this every five years with increasing pleasure. First,
it's an occasion to salute unique names. In '86, my favorites were
Andron, Dishon, Amenda, Windy, Trashawn, and Vendetta. This year we
welcome little Delisha, Aquitta, Radia, Tarnisha, Philander, Dorsia,
Detra, Casino, Deja, Minta, and D'Jour.
Mostly, it's just fun to keep track of name trends.
This time around, Mary, which along with Jessica has been a
national name-leader for girls, is way, way down. In fact, more than
twice as many baby girls here were named Tiara, Kendra, Lauren, Michelle,
Nichole, Andrea, Dominique, Monique, Alexis, Bianca, Stephanie, and
Victoria as were named Mary.
The top girl's name here is Brittany, if you include its many
variations: Britney, Brithenie, Britny, Brittani, Brittanie, Brittanye,
Britinni, Brittnay, Britnee, Brittney, Brittni, and Brittnie -- all,
presumably, testimony to the trend-setting power of Thirtysomething.
Next comes Ashley (up from third place five years ago), and then,
a surprise to me, Jasmine. (Sometimes it's spelled with a Z -- and
once, Jazzmen.) Then comes Jessica, then Tiffany (on its way down --
there were almost twice as many five years ago). Then Erica, if you
include Erika and Ericka. Christina and Kiara tied for seventh place;
Crystal and Elizabeth for eight, then Danielle, and only then Jennifer,
which was the local leader five years back.
For boys, Michael has been the hottest name nationally for about
25 years. It still heads the local top ten, but it's tied here by
Anthony. In face, if you count variations ranging from Antonio to
Antwan, Anthony is number one.
Then come James, Christopher, David, Kevin and Robert (tied),
William, Marcus (newly hot), Eric and Joseph (tied), and John.
Pretty square.
Place names for people are up. Besides Brittany, hottest of all
is India, followed by Chelsea and Paris. Then there are little Bethany,
Brooklyn, Chad, Chantilly, China, Dallas, Darien, Eritrea, Georgia,
Geneva, Hampton, Israel, Jordan, Lansing, Mecca, Milan, Phoenix,
Princeton, Salvador, Sahara, Tehran, Tijuana, and Valencia.
The charming "La" prefix is still widespread among Washington
girls. There are twelve new LaToyas, ten LaShawns, eight LaTashas,
seven LaKeishas, and six LaTrices. More often, parents custom tailor
the ending, to create, for example, LaJetta, LaRonda, LaGuisha, LaCrystal,
LaJuan, LaKayana, LaMisha, LaSonji, LaTavia, LaToria, LaTonta, LaVonda,
LaVondra, LaTece, and -- wouldn't you know it -- LaTiffany.
For boys, the equivalent prefix is "De" or "D." DeAndre and D'Andre
are the most popular.
For boys, too, biblical names from both Testaments abound even below
the top ten -- there are 47 Daniels and 38 Joshuas. There's also the
occasional Noah, Samson, Genesis, Corinthians, Emanuel, and Josiah --
not to mention three Solomons, two Jesuses, and one Christ.
There is one Napoleon and one Nefertiti, one Cinderella and one
Prince (may they meet and fall in love), but the new list shows no Kings
or Queens (popular for many years) and no Dukes or Earls. But there are
five Princesses, one Baron, and one Cesar. Marquis is hot, with assorted
spellings. I like Markee.
Some people disapprove of unconventional names. I find them
delightful, when melodious. (Did you know that protocol chief Joseph
Verner Reed's mother is named Permelia, and his daughters are Electra
and Serena?) On the current list, I fell in love with little Audreaunna,
Capreisha, Fernishia, Queona, Dequisha, Laquisha, Meromia, Fontavia,
Darnethia, Hovenetta, Latreaviette, Starquasha, Fakwanda, Karlethia,
Eugertha, Thurmalita, Breionia, Elauntanyce, Jeremisha, and Marcqueata.
The snobby note that crept into mid-80's names is, alas, swelling.
New names with chic implications like Fashion, Gentry, and MaRitza are
on the rise, along with the now well-established Mercedes, Porsche, Chanel
or Chanelle, and Cartier. Perhaps as part of a counter-trend, seven new
babies were named Ikea, and one, Exson.
Sixteen affectionate couples named their bundles of joy Angel and
four chose Precious. Little Radiance, Wonder, Adora, and Charmin will
all have lots to live up to -- or to live down.
In general, Ebony is up; Ivory is down; Jade is holding steady.
There are four baby Cassandras (as in The Young and the Restless) and
four Arsenios, as in Hall. Just plain initials are on the decline. I
notice one O. and one K. and a couple of J.C.s, but whether the last
were named after J.C. Hayward [ed. note: J.C. Hayward is a local news
anchor], the Junior Chamber of Commerce, or a major religious figure is
hard to tell. Perhaps Roman numerals have taken their place. The list
shows one I, seven IIs, twelve IIIs, and one IV, with no hint how to
pronounce them.
And this time, there's only one Unique. Down from four five years
ago. But then, that's just as it should be.
[Hmmm, they don't mention a name I ran into a few times in Atlanta:
"Latrina". I hesitate to speculate at the origin of this and the reasons
parents might have for saddling their daughters with such a name. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 18:16:40 PDT
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Praise the lord and pass the ammunition
To: spaf
Copied from the San Jose Mercury News 6/30/91 without permission:
Churchgoers wage unholy war over minister
Peoria, Ill (AP) - A house of worhsip has become a house of rage.
At New Morning Star Missionary Baptist Church, parishioners sing
to drown out the minister rather than to praise the Lord. They scuffle
during services. A curfew on church property has been imposed to prevent
other violence.
Almost every Sunday in recent months, police have been called to
the church to calm the congregation's two factions, which are violently
at odds over their minister.
"This church is being torn apart," said congregant Dorothy Farmer.
"Somebody is going to get killed here. Somebody's going to get shot. I
know it. We are crying out for help."
Trouble at the 900-member inner-city church began about a year ago.
It started when opponents of the Rev. Cleveland Thomas Sr. objected to
what they called his aloofness, strict adherence to fundamental Bible law
and failure as a charismatic preacher.
In October, about 250 church members voted to oust Thomas. A
Peoria County judge declared the vote invalid, and Thomas subsequently
filed a lawsuit seeking to ban seven opposition leaders from the church.
A court in February ruled against the ban.
Tensions grew. Thomas padlocked the church; opponents cut the
chains. Police imposed a curfew.
Both sides named deacon board chairmen. THe congregation now has
two church attorneys and two bank accounts. Two offerings are taken on
Sunday.
Anti-Thomas forces play loud music, stand and sing when he takes
the pulpit to preach. The minister's supporters usually sit quietly,
trying to hear his sermons over the ruckus.
Last Sunday, police arrived in four squad cars when they were
called to the church more than an hour before services. The two sides
were trying to install microphones and loudspeakers in the sanctuary
so they could drown each other out.
One officer at the scene called the situation "a powder keg" and
said feuding churchgoers were warned that arrests would be made the next
time police are called.
The Rev. Shelvin J. Hall, president of the Baptist General State
Convention of Illinois, has tried to intervene and mediate, but he said
his efforts were rejected.
"All we can do is pray," he said.
------------------------------
Date: 1 Jul 91 10:30:04 GMT
From: rgs@megatek.UUCP (Rusty Sanders)
Subject: Quayle's presidential insight
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
It's now been revealed why Vice President Dan Quayle was so seemingly
unconcerned with the Presidents recent heart condition.
When asked, Mr. Quayle responded "Oh, I'm not worried. Alexander Haig is next
in line anyway."
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jun 91 23:19:08 GMT
From: browning@nas.nasa.gov (David S. Browning)
Subject: rats for sale
Newsgroups: ba.market,ba.forsale,ba.food,rec.pets,alt.sex.bestiality
RATS FOR SALE!! RATS FOR SALE!! RATS FOR SALE!!
--------------- --------------- ---------------
Snake owners! These are the juciest, tastiest rats for sale anywhere.
I oughta know! Each rat is a wholesome, well-balanced meal, and
convenient too! Just drop one in your snake's cage, and voila!
Whether crushed, poisoned or simply paralyzed with fear, it's a snake
snack in seconds. Or, if you're creative and ambitious, try one
pureed in an omelette, or frozen on a stick (dipped in chocolate --
yum!).
Mammal-lover types! Rescue these cute rodents from the dire fate
described above. They'll provide hours of fun for the whole family.
Impress your friends! Frighten your enemies! Do you hate your boss?
They'll eat him alive! (cf. "Willard") Witness the miracle of birth!
Teach your kids about exponential growth!
Landlords! Have your tenants overstayed their welcome? Do their
rubber rent checks bounce too high to catch? Registered Mail too
expensive? Can't wait 3 months for the U.S. Marshall to lock them
out? Don't want to take them to court, because you might bump in to
the district attorney, and the only reason you're not in jail is
because no one knows what you look like? Well, I think I can help . . .
Haven't you always wanted a child (or pet) named Ben?
Lots of sizes and styles to choose from! Shop early for best selection!
-- David "ratboy" Browning
------------------------------
Date: 4 Jul 91 07:20:06 GMT
From: elrod@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: stanford research
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
My first atttempt at an original joke:
How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the
government for the house.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 12:33:51 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Understatement of the month
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From *CommUNIXations*, the magazine of UniForum, the commercial UNIX
user's group, in a section on "happenings in and around UniForum":
"UniForum Kuwait has had a rocky beginning."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 14:13:23 EDT
From: perley@easygoer.crd.ge.com (Donald P Perley)
Subject: What will they think of next?
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
The other day I saw single serving packages of microwave trench moose in
the store.
Has anyone tried these? How to they compare to home made? It sure sounds
more convenient than making a whole one for yourself.
[Trench moose? Is this a regional dish? I hope so! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Jul 91 14:28:14 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: When Worlds Collide?
To: yucks-request
Scientists Study Asteroid Risk
SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, Calif. (AP)
A NASA-sponsored panel wants millions of dollars spent to find big
asteroids that someday might smash into Earth, killing billions of
people, but some scientists say the risk is overrated.
"A number of studies have shown that the Earth is subject to
occasional large impacts from comets and asteroids, with sometimes
catastrophic results," said the committee of 23 U.S., Soviet,
Australian, Indian and French scientists.
There are an estimated 10,000 asteroids that occasionally fly near
Earth and range from one-third to 3 miles wide. But only 1 percent of
them have been found to date, said the panel chaired by David
Morrison, space science chief at NASA's Ames Research Center in
Mountain View.
If one hit Earth, it would create a blast equal to 1,000 to 10
million megatons of TNT, "leading to the deaths of hundreds of
millions and perhaps billions of people," said a statement issued by
the group.
The committee said several sophisticated new telescopes should be
built to find almost all such asteroids within the next 25 years and
learn if any are on a collision course with Earth.
The statement was issued Wednesday at the end of the first
International Conference on Near-Earth Asteroids, sponsored by the
National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the nonprofit
Planetary Society.
NASA established Morrison's committee at the request of Congress
after a big asteroid flew close to Earth in 1989. A final report to
Congress is expected this fall.
Other scientists say the risk is too small to worry about.
"It's not one of the things we normally buy insurance against,"
said Cornell University astronomer Joseph Veverka. "The risk is out
there, but it's low. Personally, I don't take this seriously."
Morrison said it will cost millions of dollars an exact amount
hasn't yet been calculated to learn if any big asteroids really will
hit Earth within the next few centuries.
The asteroid threat has gained increasing credibility as
scientists discovered many impact craters on Earth, other planets and
moons.
But it's hard to convince people of the threat because there have
been no documented human deaths and only one injury ever reported
from the impact of either asteroids or meteorites, which are small
pieces of asteroids.
Committee member Steve Ostro, an astronomer at NASA's Jet
Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, said it makes sense not only to
search for incoming asteroids, but to study how to divert them.
Scientists have discussed placing rockets on asteroids or
exploding nuclear bombs near them to nudge them away from Earth.
Veverka dismissed such notions as "science fiction."
Veverka said it ultimately would cost billions of dollars to
protect Earth against a catastrophe that is unlikely to happen in the
forseeable future.
------------------------------
Date: Mon Jul 1 14:01:15 1991
From: peterw@siopmag.UCSD.EDU (Peter Woodbury)
To: brian@ucsd.edu, jerry@siopmag.UCSD.EDU
[I think I've seen this nearly a dozen times now, but I can't find
a record of having sent it to yucks. So, here it is for those of
you who haven't seen it already; I hope you both enjoy it. --spaf]
HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED
The heaviest element known to science was discovered
recently at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory.
The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad) has
no protons or electrons, thus it has an atomic number
of zero. It does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate
neutrons, 111 deputy associate neutrons, and 125
assistant deputy associate neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together
in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called memos.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is highly inert,
though far from noble. Nevertheless, it can be detected
chemically because it seems to impede every reaction
in which it takes part. According to one of the
discoverers of the element, a very small amount of
Administratium made one reaction, which normally takes
less than a second, take over four days to go to completion.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately four years,
at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it
undergoes an internal reorganization in which associates
to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and
assistant deputy associates all exchange places. Some
studies have indicated that the atomic mass actually
increases during each reorganization.
Researchers at other laboratories throughout the world
have had little difficulty in verifying the existence of
Administratium. While Ad(312) has been found primarily
by scientists at national laboratories, scientists
at other major research centers have encountered a variety
of isotopes of Administratium. But the only difference
seems to be the atomic mass, since all the known isotopes of
Administratium are equally inert, scientists report.
For this reason, researchers have all but ruled out any
useful application for the element. "If anything useful
comes from its discovery," says one scientist, "it's that
now we can identify it, eliminate it, and stockpile it
where it won't interfere with anything."
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End of Yucks Digest
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