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Yucks Digest V1 #55
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #55
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Fri, 24 May 91 07:29:23 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Fri, 24 May 91 Volume 1 : Issue 55
Today's Topics:
$ per car advertising
`Stone Cold', By Michael Phillips Copley News Service
Apology
A real ATM withdrawal
Dice is rolling
English?
Fast Updates
Foo Festival
From the Washington Post
Holy sh--, Batman!!
How customer engineers amuse themselves
Hush Puppy Aims To Bounce Back
Jesus or Meat Sauce?
Parts is parts
Shuttle Pilot
The Weatherman
Tower of Hanoi
using the bathroom during lightning storm
Yucks contribution
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 May 91 14:41:59 -0400
From: Charlotte Mooers <postmaster@SH.CS.NET>
Subject:
To: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aerospace.aero.org>
Just a few hours after I sent off the latest issue of CSNET-FORUM,
which I distributed specially to Werner Uhrig, Volkmar Kobelt, and
Manfred Bogen, and which should have come to Paul Mies as part of the
regular CSNET-FORUM mailing list, I got a reply from Mr. Protocol.
Some of you may remember Mr. P. from long-ago issues of CSNET-FORUM,
where he used to dissect the fads, foibles and inconsistencies of the
networks. (See THE COLLECTED MR. PROTOCOL 1984-1985, available from
the CSNET Info-Server.)
After Mike O'Brien left the CSNET staff, and went back to California,
Mr. P. continued to write a few articles for CSNET-FORUM, but alas, he
was subverted by a magazine published by Sun Microsystems, Inc., and
so he no longer writes for chocolate chip cookies only. (When I say
"he", I mean Mike, not Mr. P. I have never seen Mr. P. eat a
chocolate chip cookie, and I suspect Mike of intercepting all the ones
we sent to Mr. P.)
It is great to hear from you, Mike, all the same. Greetings from the
East Coast. I am honored that you have allowed Mr. P. to deign to
set the record straight.
---Charlotte
------- Forwarded Message
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To: CSNET-FORUM <cic@SH.CS.NET>
Subject: Re: CSNET-FORUM V7 #3
In-Reply-To: Your message of "Fri, 17 May 91 10:55:55 CDT."
<9105171502.AA16325@aerospace.aero.org>
Date: Fri, 17 May 91 10:28:24 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aerospace.aero.org>
> Date: Fri, 10 May 91 13:08:42 EDT
> From: Charlotte Mooers <postmaster@SH.CS.NET>
> Subject: Question of the Day: Why Do We Get Weird Error Messages
> from Europe?
Oh, dear. Mr. Protocol is distressed that the estimable and
indefatigable Ms. Mooers seems to have stepped off the curb on this
one. Doubtless this is due to the fact that Europe is very, very
far away, and network traffic between here and there is notoriously
unreliable. The strings are so long that damping causes the bits to
smear out, and unless the tin cans are tuned to exactly the right
frequency, messages can be garbled.
> Question: A user writes: I have received the following very unhelpful
> reply from ixgate.gmd.de for several messages I have sent to a
> mailing list. What does the "Non-delivery reason" mean, exactly?
> Does Mr. XYZ have a delivery loop in his address somehow?
>
> From: XYZ%rz.informatik.uni-hamburg.dbp.de@RELAY.CS.NET
> Date: 9 May 91 1:27 +0100
>
> Message <19910508200210.3....> not delivered to Ralf XYZ
> <XYZ@...uni-hamburg.dbp.de>.
> Non-delivery reason: auto-forwarded.
>
> Answer: "Non-delivery" actually means that your message almost
> certainly was delivered! This is an automatic message from
> IXGATE, an X.400 gateway in Germany. The reasoning appears to be
> that the gateway itself cannot actually deliver the mail: it merely
> "forwards" your message automatically to the X.400 mail delivery
> system.
This is an ingenious explanation, but quite incorrect. The
important thing to remember is that in the real world, networks operate
under the culture of the country that contains them, and the CCITT be
damned. In this case, it pays to note that we are discussing Germany
here, the land of Mercedes, BMW, and no-speed-limits-and-you'd-damn-well-
better-stay-out-of-the-right-lane autobahn. Now, the Germans cram the
post office, the telephone, the sewer service, and the bird-watching
society into a single entity known as the PTT (named after the call of the
red-breasted zingelpflueger, a notoriously unmelodious ball of dirty grey
feathers which has somehow become the Official Pest of the Bayernische
Beerkellerzusammenten Getrunkenoodniks, known in America as the Bavarian
Drunkard's Sing-Along and Oompah Society).
Mr. Protocol begs one and all to remeber that this being Germany,
for heaven's sake, OF COURSE the message was delivered. "Non-delivery"
refers to the fact that the automobile ordered by the sender is not going
to appear, because they tried to buy a Toyota or something instead of a
good old Bimmer, and "auto-forwarded" means that the PTT sold the Toyota
back to the Japanese, and is going to be forwarding a BMW in its place.
-------------------------
> Question: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu> writes:
> same old problem at GMD? (they sure eat addresses fur lunch :-)
>
> To: werner@RASCAL.ICS.UTEXAS.EDU
> From: "GMD.DBP.DE Gateway" <postmaster%dfnrelay.gmd.dbp.de@RELAY.CS.NET>
> Subject: GMD.DBP.DE Mail Network -- failed mail
>
> ----- Mail failure diagnostics -----
>
> Message Recipients:
> brunnstein@rz.informatik.uni-hamburg.dbp.de: MTA congestion
>
> Answer: From what I hear, the error messages in the X.400 system are
> pretty much "hard-wired" in. The local people can't change them.
> I recently received an explanation of "MTA congestion" from Volkmar
> Kobelt <kobelt@zi.gmd.dbp.de>:
>
> "Paul [Mies] forwarded your message to me as the responsible for
> the gateway to the X.400 R&D net in Germany. 'MTA congestion'
> indicates in most cases that a queue is 'filled' (256 messages; a
> not so good property of an internationally distributed R&D X.400
> software). A queue may be a personal one; but in this case it was
> that of the University of Bayreuth getting bigger and bigger
> because we got no connection to their node and also none to the
> responsible postmaster. We have roughly 270 such connections which
> normally work properly. In case of 'MTA congestion', please try
> again.
>
> "We didn't yet finish the transition to a new implementation of an
> important node here, so that the heavy traffic between the old and
> the new nodes already lead to such an MTA congestion; sorry. We
> hope to get rid of the old machine soon."
Oh, in their dreams! Remember, this is the PTT we're talking
about here. They run everything, including the subways. The problem
is that the sender has obviously requested one of those ultra-fancy
X.400 services, probably "return receipt requested," and has forked over
a Eurocard number in one of those binary X.400 header fields, requesting
"servicelevel=incredible". This means that a human messenger has to
hand-carry a printout of the requested receipt back to the sender.
"MTA congestion" is an inter-service operations report from the Hamburg
Metropolitan Transit Authority reporting that the subway is crowded,
and that the messenger will be delayed.
Mr. Protocol is certain that Ms. Mooers will be more careful
in the future, and carry on the high standard she has maintained over
the years. He thanks you, one and all, for your kind attention.
Chocolate chip cookies to the usual address; the X.500 cookie server
isn't working right this week.
Mike O'B.
for Mr. P.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 16:48:25 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: $ per car advertising
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Here's how much of your new car price went to advertising it on TV.
($ of TV advertising / new car sales = $ spent per sale)
Peugeot $815
Hyundai $718
Mercedes $620
Subaru $573
Isuzu $490
Mazda $483
Missan $435
Toyota $381
Volkswagen $337
Honda $233
GM $198
Chrysler $198
Ford $123
Volvo $ 96
>From Fortune Magazine, May 20, 1991
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 May 91 23:57:28 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: `Stone Cold', By Michael Phillips Copley News Service
To: yucks-request
Brrrrrrrrrring.
"Hello, Mr. Namath? This is Brian Bosworth."
"Hi."
"Listen, I'm trying to get started in movies. Football just
wasn't lucrative enough. Plus I have this incredible thing going
already with my hair. What would you suggest?"
"Well, Brian, I'd suggest starting with a biker movie. It worked
for me. Sort of. Remember `C.K. and Company'?"
"No. Was I born yet?"
"Punk. Anyway, that's my suggestion."
Whether or not that conversation took place, here is The Boz
former Seattle Seahawks linebacker and current movie star, courtesy
of "Stone Cold" making his debut in what can only be called an
endangered species, the biker picture.
It could've been worse, thanks to a competent B picture
director, Craig R. Baxley. He did the energetic Dolph Lundgren trash
"I Come in Peace" and comes through here with a couple of loony,
thrashing bloodbaths at the climax, set in the Mississippi Capitol.
There's a decent performance from Lance Henriksen (Wally Shirra in
"The Right Stuff") as Chains, the leader of the wild-eyed Brotherhood
gang of Harley-heads.
Bosworth plays a cop, and it's about time we had a cop for a
protagonist! He goes undercover to infiltrate the murderous outlaw
bikers and bring 'em down. This gives "Stone Cold" plenty of excuses
for motorcycle chases and attendant explosions, plenty of coarse
rebel yells, and the excuse for Bosworth to wear the silliest pair of
dinky blue sunglasses a fake biker could want. He wears them at
night, too, proving he's extra cool.
As a novice actor, Bosworth is squarely in the Steven
Seagal/Jean-Claude Van Damme camp of underexertion. He drifts
through the picture without much strain, which is not the same as
being charismatic.
So the real presser is this: How does Bosworth compare to other
former NFL stars? Judging from this forgettable, forced, occasionally
well-staged vehicle, he's not yet up to the level of Fred Williamson,
O. J. Simpson, Alex Karras, Fred Dryer, Rosey Grier or Jim Brown.
But he is up to Joe Namath's level.
"Stone Cold" is Rated R.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 May 91 00:00:23 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: Apology
To: bob
From _Harper's_:
[From a letter sent last October by Jerry MacDonald, executive officer
of the Canadian Wire Service Guild, to Claude Labrecque, an executive with the
Canadian Broadcasting Corporation in Ottawa.]
Dear Claude,
It has been brought to my attention that a letter sent to you on
October 12, 1990, was addressed to you with the greeting "Dear Asshole."
This was done inadvertently. I do apologize for this.
A draft of this letter was retyped verbatim by my new secretary,
who did not realize that I occasionally use humorous nicknames in drafts
of official correspondence. I fully accept the responsibility of this going
out and again apologize for this becoming part of the formal document. I
hope you will understand that occasionally an inside joke can go beyond its
intended audience. I meant no formal disrespect. As you well know, Claude,
if I had anything disrespectful to say, I would say it to your face.
With regrets for any embarassment that I have caused, I remain,
Yours respectfully,
Jerry E. MacDonald
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 May 91 17:54:37 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: A real ATM withdrawal
To: yucks-request
Thieves Steal Automatic Teller
BUFFALO, Pa. (AP)
Thieves used a stolen front-end loader Tuesday to steal a
1,700-pound automatic teller machine from a concrete enclosure
outside a bank, police said.
State police said the front-end loader, which was taken from a
nearby municipal garage, was used to pull the machine from its
mooring and load it into the back of a pickup truck.
The truck was last seen heading south on state Route 356, with the
teller machine in the back, police said. No arrests had been made.
Investigators and bank officials declined to disclose how much
money was in the machine when it was stolen around 3:35 a.m. from a
branch of the First Seneca Bank.
Jeff Kimball, a spokesman for the FBI in Pittsburgh, said police
are investigating the possibility that the thieves got the idea from
a newspaper article on Friday that detailed a new breed of bank
robbers who steal teller machines, remove the cash and dump the
machines.
"We may have an educated thief who is taking his clues from The
Wall Street Journal," said Linda Mason, a spokeswoman for Integra
Financial Corp., which owns First Seneca. "That certainly would be a
bizarre, new twist."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 21:38:36 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Dice is rolling
To: yucks-request
By Arthur Salm
Copley News Service
The controversial, off-off-off-color Clay is promoting his
concert film "Dice Rules," and the album of the same name. In it,
Clay for the most part sticks to his familiar themes: How angry he
gets at women, referred to almost without exception as whores; and
obscene endings to Mother Goose rhymes.
"Dice Rules" was originally scheduled to be released some time
ago, but was delayed perhaps to allow for some settling of the
rubble from his bomb "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane."
As for his claim to being a great comic, well, many people would
disagree. But there's no doubt that he's popular: Clay plays arenas
and stadiums usually associated with NFL football, tractor pulls and
Billy Graham crusades. "Dice Rules" was filmed before screaming
multitudes at Madison Square Garden.
"It's rated NC-17," Clay said of the film, "but it should have
the Dice rating. Just say `Dice' ...
"It's unbelievable, man. It's about time it came out. It has
about a 20-minute wrap-around, like a French film."
What?
"I can't explain it. It's almost like `The Nutty Professor."'
What?
"It's the reverse of what Dice is."
What? Oh, never mind. Which comedians would he say were an
influence on him?
"None."
All right who makes him laugh?
"Rodney Dangerfield ... None of the young guys. Milton Berle,
Jackie Gleason, Jerry Lewis yeah, OK, Jerry Lewis was definitely an
influence. Bob Hope makes me laugh. He's a very witty man."
Other things make Clay laugh, too. He says he never writes a
thing he just goes out on stage and sees what happens, which
sometimes results in a monumental silence.
"To see 20,000 people just sitting there after I've told a joke
to me that's hilarious. That's my sense of humor. So all my show are
a little different. Some stuff I do every time, like the impressions
and the poems, because people want to hear 'em ...
"I don't think I live by the things I say, because the things I
say are say are so zany, it's ridiculous. But fans don't have to know
that I'm not really like that. ... When I perform, I'm performing for
my fans. Critics don't like it. I say, if something's offensive to
you, don't listen to it. To me, TV is offensive. Every sitcom, to me,
is the most boring thing that you could force upon a person.
"I love what I do. I think it's hysterical. What's also funny is
when the press says I'm putting out subliminal messages, because I
know that it doesn't go any deeper than the joke.
"I know where I'm from, and what I believe the act is about.
It's about idiocy."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 10:07:31 EDT
From: reid@ctc.contel.com (Tom Reid x4505)
Subject: English?
To: yucks-request
The following, written by Lucy Reilly, appeared on the front page of
Washington Technology, a free rag in the Washington, DC area:
"Known as laser pantography, the technology can reduce the
capability of a Cray supercomputer to applications the size
of a deck of playing cards.
Maybe we can lead the world in capability reduction?
------------------------------
Date: 20 May 91 18:19:25 GMT
Subject: Fast Updates
Newsgroups: comp.windows.x
In article <1991May17.220145.22765@atc.SP.Unisys.COM>
mike@atc.SP.Unisys.COM (Mike Grenier) writes:
>
>We are trying to bring up an Air Traffic Control display on
>an X window terminal and there seems to be some problems.
Oh God. I think I'm gonna start taking trains.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 10:45:59 -0400
From: ckd@cs.bu.edu (Christopher Davis)
Subject: Foo Festival
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
One of the signs down at the CambridgeSide Galleria is, well, slightly
broken.
It used to say:
F O O D
F e s t i v a l
(imagine an ASCII diamond around it, I'm lazy)
Now it says:
F O O
F e s t i v a l
Yes, this is walking distance from MIT. What else would you expect?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 11:09 EDT
From: "Robert M. Hamer" <HAMER@Ruby.VCU.EDU>
Subject: From the Washington Post
To: yucks-request
The following appeared in the Washington Post, probably about last Thursday
(May 18? May 17?) or so. It concerend the queen of England's visit to the
US. Since I did not save the article, I am paraphrasing from memory.
Apparently she went to a reception attended by a large number of shobiz
type people. One of them was some sort of film-graphic-artist.
Some sort of film-type photographer, anyway. When they were introduced,
the queen said something like, "I have a number of relatives who are
photographers." His reply was, "I have a number of relatives who are queens."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 May 91 20:05:16 EDT
From: hosking%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Doug Hosking)
Subject: Holy sh--, Batman!!
To: spaf
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution carries a column by Lewis Grizzard.
A few days ago he wrote about a woman who went to a shoe store, in a
futile attempt to return a pair of shoes. The shoe salesman said he didn't
have enough cash on hand to give her a refund at that time. She got upset,
and let the salesman know about it. According to the story, his response
was, "Lady, sh-- happens."
The customer, who had her 15-month-old daughter with her, didn't care for
his language or attitude, and filed a charge against the salesman for using
a vulgarity in front of her daughter. (There's apparently a Georgia law
that provides for a year in jail and a $1,000 fine for cursing in front
of anyone 14 or under.)
(Sigh... I guess that means I'll have to scrap my claim to
"Wholly sh--" as a trademark for 100% manure...)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 May 91 10:41:52 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How customer engineers amuse themselves
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
From: jn11+@andrew.cmu.edu (Joseph M. Newcomer)
Back when I was hacking the IBM 1440 for a living (1965-1967) our CE
(Customer Engineer, i.e., repairman) told the following story:
IBM was attempting to find out what was happening to machines in the
field (in the hopes of designing problems out). They required amazing
amounts of paperwork by the CEs, which they despised. Ed threw a monkey
wrench into the works when he filled out a form "replaced rubber band in
card reader". Of course, it went thru the bureaucracy, up, up, up,
over, over, back over, over down, down, down. "There IS NO RUBBER BAND
IN THE MODEL 1442 CARD READER" came the reply, "Please fill out form
correctly".
Ed explained the problem. The 1442 had a centrifugal clutch which
caught when the card reader motor came up to speed. The springs in the
clutch were a bit weak, there was no way to replace them without
ordering a new part, and the customer was down. So Ed wrapped a rubber
band around the clutch mechanism which helped tighten the mechanism. It
worked perfectly. So much so that he decided to call the job finished.
Since he couldn't get a new replacement clutch without presenting the
old one, and this would have taken a day or two (remember, a card reader
was as important then as a disk drive is now), he "closed" the service
call.
About a year later, the rubber band did what all working rubber bands do
after a year or so: it fell apart. When he arrived on the scene and
found the same problem, he applied the same fix. By this time the new
reporting mechanism was in place so he had to say what he had done. He
did.
He claimed his supervisor attached his explanation and sent the
paperwork back into the system. It never re-emerged.
joe
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: terry@spcvxb.spc.edu (Terry Kennedy, Operations Mgr.)
In more recent years (1978-79) I was working as a service tech for a Data
General OEM (thanks, I'm better now 8-). In the interest of saving paper-
work, this OEM had decided to use 3-character alpha-numeric codes to describe
the service call. For example, you could look up the codes for "aligned",
"disk", and "head" and enter them in the 3 spaces on the ticket.
About 2 months after the new forms and code books were issued, a memo was
issued by HQ saying that certain codes were forbidden and that anyone using
them would be subject to disciplinary action. I looked up a few of the codes
in the book and found things like "lubricated customer", "adjusted customer
attitude", etc.
It seems that nearly half of the calls were being closed with some variant
on these codes 8-)
Terry Kennedy Operations Manager, Academic Computing
terry@spcvxa.bitnet St. Peter's College, US
terry@spcvxa.spc.edu (201) 915-9381
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: jn11+@andrew.cmu.edu (Joseph M. Newcomer)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Then there was the day our card reader went down. Since this was the
primary input device for the machine, the whole shop was down. The
manifestation of the failure was a 'Read' error light on the console.
The third-string repairman (IBM called them Customer Engineers, or CEs)
was known as "Sudsy", and had not been known in this life to have made a
service call sober.
He arrived late (10am) and was only partly in touch with reality. By
4pm he had dismantled and reassembled the reader twice, probed at
various parts of the system with his scope, and generally been not much
help.
Our VP/DP (vippydippy, he called himself), started harassing IBM about
2pm. At 4pm, the area's best CE arrived. We explained the problem. He
asked Sudsy what he'd done. I watched him do the following:
(1) toggle a (short) program into the memory via the console input
switches
(2) run it, watching the lights
(3) Power the machine down.
(4) Open one of the logic bays and swap two cards
(5) Power the machine up
(6) Put the diagnostic card deck in the reader and boot it.
(7) Sign off on a completed job
Elapsed time on-site until repair: 20 minutes. Elapsed time steps 1 to
7: about 10 minutes.
"OK, Ed", I asked him "what did you do?"
His explanation, with suitable substitutions made for what has failed in
my local memory, was:
"Well, the card reader strobe timing is generated by the clock on board
A12, and the frammis timing is generated by the clock on board K47. Now
the timing on the card reader is rather delicate, so if the board gets a
little bit off, the card reader strobes late, usually around column 78,
because of the drift. But the timing on the frammis is much looser.
But the cards have identical part numbers, so all I did was swap them;
there was a good chance that the frammis timer had tight enough
tolerance to run the card reader correctly".
He was right.
joe
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 17:46:09 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Hush Puppy Aims To Bounce Back
To: yucks-request
DETROIT (AP)
The maker of those lounge-around Hush Puppies wants to slip into
some posh new markets, betting that corporate America has a secret
desire to wear sneakers to the office.
Wolverine World Wide Inc. hopes corporate honchos will want to
stride softly through the executive suite in a shoe that mates
business shoe uppers with high-tech athletic-shoe soles.
The stealth sneaker might work, says John Molloy, the author of
"Dress for Success" who viewed a slide of the product. "My guess is
you can probably get away with it."
Wolverine hopes the dress version of its Hush Puppy Bounce shoe
will expand its share of a market where a growing number of buyers
expect athletic-shoe comfort.
"Many young people, from the time they are born to the time they
go to college, have never worn anything but I hate to use the term
sneakers," said Geoff Bloom, Wolverine president and chief executive
officer.
Hiking shoes, sandals and casual shoes with the Bounce sole
already are on store shelves. The wingtip, straight tip and tassel
dress-shoe versions will appear by midsummer. They range in price
from $70 to 90 a pair.
They offer weekend comfort, Bloom said he told Wolverine
representatives at a recent sales meeting at company headquarters in
Rockford. But come Monday, he said, "They look like shoes you would
expect to see on a guy with a pinstriped suit."
It's Wolverine's latest rebound attempt after down-at-the-heel
days in the early 1980s when the Reagan administration lifted quotas,
and low-cost shoes from countries like Taiwan, Korea, and Brazil
flooded the U.S. market.
A consolidation that closed stores and factories left the company
poised to grow by focusing on core brands like Hush Puppies, Brooks
athletic shoes, Bates Floaters and Wolverine boots and work shoes,
the company said.
Wolverine's $322.2 million in 1990 sales gave it only about a 2.4
percent share of the $13.7 billion-a-year U.S. shoe market. It hopes
to grab more by using its athletic-shoe technology in the Bounce line.
"The whole walking-shoe, the mall-shoe trend has been extremely
successful for companies," said industry analyst George Zagoudis of
Barrington Research Associates in Barrington, Ill.
So-called comfort shoes carry 40 percent to 60 percent of the
sales at many stores, according to Footwear News magazine.
Molloy said it remains to be seen whether soft shoes will replace
the clatter of leather heels that punctuate businessmen's and
lawyers' chatter.
"I wouldn't wear it if I were going to go for a job interview, or
to meet the chairman of the board and make a presentation," he said.
"But for everyday use, I don't see anything wrong with it."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 May 91 11:59:35 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Jesus or Meat Sauce?
To: yucks-request
Motorists Say They See Jesus
STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. (AP)
Dozens of motorists claim to have seen Jesus shrouded in spaghetti
and tomato sauce on a pizza chain's billboard.
Joyce Simpson said she was debating whether to continue singing in
her church choir as she was leaving a gas station about a month ago
when she felt compelled to look up. "And I saw Christ's face," said
Mrs. Simpson.
She decided to stay in the choir.
The face is said to have deepset eyes, a beard and a crown of
thorns. It has been spotted on a Pizza Hut billboard that shows a
forkful of steaming spaghetti.
Gas station Chuck Slate said 10 to 12 people a day stop to look at
the billboard overlooking the station.
Ron Wade, manager of a Pizza Hut a mile away, said he has not
heard of the supposed sighting since the ad campaign began in April.
Roger Rydell, spokesman for Pizza Hut Inc. in Wichita, Kan., said
about 20 other billboards in the area have the picture.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 13:39:52 PDT
From: Pete.Stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: Parts is parts
To: spaf
[...in response to an earlier Yucks item.]
>was fitted with a standard IBM model C electric typewriter. The unit was
>mounted near the right edge of the table, in such a way that when the carriage
>returned (under program control!), it was capable of dealing a passing human a
>nasty blow in the groin. (Not so many real men among the long-term users!)
And such was the birth of Unix?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 11:22:26 MDT
From: Dave Grisham <dave@triton.unm.edu>
Subject: Shuttle Pilot
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
The next shuttle awaits launch. The new/first-time
pilot is a native New Mexican. If he flies like New
Mexicans drive, we are about to have the first orbital
fender bender. I hope somebody warned the Soviets.
[Real New Mexicans look both ways when crossing a
street. ESPECIALLY a one-way street]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 May 91 11:20:07 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: The Weatherman
To: yucks-request
Kissinger Is Guest Weatherman
NEW YORK (AP)
Henry Kissinger doesn't know whether the sun was shining on the
day he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973, because he was in the White
House situation room and he "didn't know what the weather was."
The revelation came Tuesday as the former secretary of state
served as a guest weatherman on the television program "CBS This
Morning."
Regular weatherman Mark McEwen, who quizzed Kissinger about his
Nobel recollections, got his guest to point to the map and say:
"That's a quick look at the national forecast" and "Now here's a look
at your weather."
"I get credit for the good things, and you get credit for the bad
things," Kissinger informed McEwen.
Later, Kissinger ran afoul of the tricky business of pointing to a
map that appears behind a forecaster on the TV screen through
electronic wizardry but is not visible there in the studio.
He repeatedly pointed in the wrong direction as he gave the day's
forecast for Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. He promised to get the
technique down by "next time," prompting host Harry Smith to comment
that Kissinger had "invited himself back."
When CBS announced Kissinger's planned appearance last week, it
said he had always wanted to take a shot at being a TV weatherman.
The program's anchorwoman, Paula Zahn, was aware of his ambition and
last month called him to offer him the chance, the network said.
Kissinger is now head of an international consulting firm and a
member of CBS' board of directors, and occasionally appears on CBS
news programs to give his views of world affairs.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 15:30 EST
From: * <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:MARTIN@SCRANTON>
Subject: Tower of Hanoi
To: SPAF
A well-known problem is the Tower of Hanoi. You start with n disks of varying
sizes organized in order of size on a pole with the smallest on top. You have
two other poles and the challenge is to move the pyramid to another pole using
the rules:
Only move one disk at a time and it must be placed on one of the poles
after moving.
Never put a larger disk on top of a smaller disk.
There are several variations based on different numbers of poles:
The Tower of Zen: n disks and one pole. Think about it.
The Tower of Washington: n disks and two poles. This has been
demonstrated for n = 1. In the interest of national security, the
pentagon is investing billions in research funds to extend the work.
The loyalty of scientists that say it is impossible is being
investigated.
The Tower of Hanoi: n disks and three poles. The only know
algorithm is exponential time.
The Tower of Saigon: n disks and four poles. For the past ten
years, one of the poles has been undergoing "re-education" and
currently the Tower of Hanoi algorithm has been imposed on the
problem. It is not known if the algorithm can be speeded up in its
original form--and we may never find out.
...
The Tower of Warsaw: n disks and n+1 poles. There are a lot of poles
there. According to Marxist theory, a linear time algorithm is possible but
under the previous regime the bureaucracy prevented any solution. Currently, a
new approach is being considered and is only waiting for massive aid from the
USA.
------------------------------
Date: 23 May 91 22:31:09 GMT
From: Dan_Jacobson@ATT.COM
Subject: using the bathroom during lightning storm
Newsgroups: sci.electronics,sci.geo.meteorology,misc.consumers.house
Outside there is a big lightning storm. Should I risk the brief
moments of a closed liquid circuit between me and the plumbing system
by using the restroom? I need to know soon.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 May 91 10:21:28 EDT
From: Rich Epstein <REPSTEIN@gwuvm.gwu.edu>
Subject: Yucks contribution
To: Spaf <spaf>
SCIENCE NEWS
May 18, 1991
TRAINING A NEURON TO BE PRESIDENT
Cragface Mountain, FLA - Professor Marvin Dendrite of the
University of Southwest Florida announced today that he had trained
a neuron to be President of the United States. The neuron lives in
a petri dish, is connected to a computer, and is capable of making
all major presidential decisions, Dendrite claims.
"Potentially, a trained neuron could take over the Presidency
in case of an accident", Dendrite explained in his book-lined
office.
"I got the idea during the Reagan administration. By 1987 I
had trained a neuron so effectively that it was behaviorally
indistinguishable from Reagan's brain."
According to Dendrite, the acid test came after Reagan left
office, when the Reagan neuron, which he affectionately calls
"Ronnie" answered all questions relating to the Iran-Contra affair
in exactly the same manner as the real Reagan, who was testifying
in the trial of Dexter Poindexter.
"Basically neither Ronald Reagan nor my trained neuron could
remember anything", Dendrite commented. "Also, on domestic issues
like the homeless and protecting the environment, it's almost
impossible to distinguish the trained neuron from the real thing."
Asked about his next project, Professor Dendrite held his
cards close to his chest. "All I can tell you is that I am training
a new neuron and its name is 'Danny'."
AMA REQUESTS SEVEN-DAY WAITING
PERIOD FOR SHOOTING VICTIMS
Boston, MA - John Moremoney, President of the American Medical
Association, called today for a seven day waiting period for
shooting victims.
"Basically, we're proposing a seven day waiting period before
someone can be shot so that we can screen them for medical
insurance and ability to pay", Moremoney told a a crowded news
conference. "As it now stands, just about anyone can get shot and
many of these people are not capable of paying their medical bills,
which is a real drag for the medical community."
"The NRA is violently opposed to the proposed legislation",
NRA spokeswoman Annie Oakley said in a press release. "We are
opposed to any legislation which would infringe upon our members'
right to shoot whom they please, when they please."
When asked whether the victim or the perpetrator would be
required to register for the seven day waiting period, Moremoney
was vague. "The logistics would have to be worked out during the
legislative process. Clearly, both sides will have to be willing to
compromise."
INFANTS SHOW INNATE COMPUTER ABILITIES
Palo Alto, CA - Dr. Joan Mazely of Stanford University announced
startling confirmation of a shared consciousness among human beings
in a press release issued this morning. Her results are being
published in the Journal of the American Psychological Association
under the title "Evidence for Morphogenic Field Found in Human
Babies".
The morphogenic field is a physical field, like a
gravitational or electro-magnetic field, which was first
hypothesized by British biologist, Rupert Sheldrake. According to
Sheldrake, this field contains the shared memory of particular
biological species. According to Sheldrake's theory, for example,
human beings born today should have an easier time learning to use
computers than people born a hundred years ago. Dr. Mazely and her
students at Stanford set out to prove this.
Dr. Mazely conducted a study over a period of five years. In
1985 and again in 1990, one week old infants were shown a variety
of computer-related stimuli. Dr. Mazely and her graduate students
observed the responses of the infants to these stimuli. Much to
their surprise, they found significant differences between the 1985
infants and the 1990 infants.
For example, in 1985 infants were shown a variety of screens
from the Apple Lisa computer. None of the infants showed any
coherent response to these stimuli. However, in 1990, 87% of the
infants responded to a similar MacIntosh screen with definite
movements of their right arm and the fingers of their right hand.
"The 1990 infants were definitely responding to the screens
with coherent and meaningful mouse-operation motions," Professor
Mazely said in an interview with this reporter. "We discovered that
the morphogenic field had imprinted 23% of the babies for a two
button mouse and 64% of the babies for a three button mouse."
"Much to our amazement, two of the one hundred infants that
were studied in 1990 could play a mean game of Minesweeper
completely intuitively."
In a parallel study, Professor Mazely found that there has
been a definite trend towards more sophisticated programming
languages among the infants studied. In 1985, 56% of the infants
smiled and cooed when shown BASIC code. Only 12% of the babies
responded positively to C code at that time.
"In 1990, fully 75% of the babies only responded positively to
C++, a language which we didn't even use in our 1985 experiment.
87% of the babies cried hysterically when confronted with BASIC
programs. Even C seems less popular than five years ago."
"Our study could have profound implications for computer
science education", Professor Mazely added.
------------------------------
From: STella@thelema.uucp (STella)
Newsgroups: alt.sex,soc.singles
I am seriously considering giving my husband a butt-plug for his
birthday -- anyone know where I can get it monogrammed?
[...., er, along the side? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------