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Yucks Digest V1 #53

Yucks Digest                Sun, 19 May 91       Volume 1 : Issue  53 

Today's Topics:
       2 articles on Factsheet Five: the magazine of magazines
                   From Henry's Joke List (7 msgs)
                           grading methods

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

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From: KRISIS::reeves "Jon Reeves" 
Subject: 2 articles on Factsheet Five: the magazine of magazines
To: Desperado mailing list

Since Desperado has been mentioning so many magazines lately, I thought
it was time to mention the "mother lode" -- a sort of meta-magazine.

Factsheet Five
Mike Gunderloy
6 Arizona Ave.
Rensselaer, NY  12144-4502

$3.50/issue or $23/year (8 issues) -- or send something to review

Mike and his co-editors will review nearly anything that is sent to
them (videos, music, art, catalogs, software, games, T-shirts,
calendars, poetry), but the bulk of each issue is taken up with reviews
of around 1000 different magazines.  These include a few slick
commercial items, but the slant is to alternative viewpoints (artistic,
sexual, political, musical, and just hobbies).  Some of my favorite
reviews from one recent issue:

The 4-Square Mag: "Yes, it's serious, an entire zine dedicated to the
playground sport of four-square. ..."

American Window Cleaner: "The professional journal for window washers
continues to put out excellent issues.  This one will tell you how to
make a better working squeegee, show a method for climbing up the rope
if you work with a bosun's chair, and go into the physics of soap films.
Lots of short ads and product announcements help the window cleaner keep
an edge over the competition."

Cichlidae Communique: "Cichlids are a particular type of fish, and this
is for people who breed and raise them.  I learned all sorts of
things...  Whether I needed to know any of this is another matter, but
the photos are nice and the articles are well-done and even amusing on
occasion."

Condo Mondo: "Nancy sent along this single-page newsletter she does for
her condo association and asks if we'll review such things.  Well, sure,
why not? ... Possibly of purely local interest."

The Insider Gun News: "... #8 has a story on selecting a new handgun for
NY City cops listing three important considerations: (1) NYCPD cops are
not good at cleaning their guns (2) Their marksmanship is not so hot
either and (3) The bullets should be easily traced back to a particular
gun after firing, say the crime lab folks."

The Joe News: "...Who is Joe?  Why does he have a zine named after him?
Darned if I know.  Hipness oozes out of the writing here, along with
such dubious substances as Burl Ives."

The News of the Watchmen: "Apocalyptic update on how world Zionism,
Freemasonry and the Baal Priesthood of Rome, armed with secret
reality-altering magnetic weapons, are preparing to take over the world.
There's a personal note too--the author's struggles with the tyrants of
the Communist Democratic/Beast System from his 18 foot trailer mobile
HQ.  Calculations of the world's end-date (1994-5) based on counting
sabbatical years, make this an outstanding value.  ... Close call here:
the mission had almost run out of gas, but God provided a large number
of empty beer cans which could be returned."

No Mayo News: "A newsletter for people who really REALLY hate 'the white
slime.'  This ish addresses the perils of 'ranch' flavoring and 'special
sauce'--nothing but mayo in drag--and gives recipes for Mayo-free tuna
and potato salad.  Apparently in earnest, though quite arch."

Notes from the Dump: "Yup, Terry really does work at the dump, and when
he's not working he ruminates about life.  You never know what you'll
find here: quotes from Shakespeara and Goethe, the latest medical update
on residents of Acworth and Langdon, fast motorcycles (#74 inquires into
the first names of Messrs. Harley and Davidson) and slow days.  Great fun."

The Optimistic Pezzimist: "The only zine there is for collectors of Pez
dispensers and related ephemera. ..."

Sasquatch (pub. by the Prime Minister of Livestock and Heavy Machinery):
"If the name of the publisher hasn't already tipped you off, this is a
weird one.  The Prime Minister writes of nihilistic egoism and strange
metaphysical pigs and other deranged things.  Nice silly touches
throughout, culminating in the diode binding."

"On the Street with Crad Kilodney vol. 2": "Crad K. sells his books on
the sidewalks of Toronto.  He also carries a tape recorder...In [this
tape], he gets assaulted both physically and verbally, held spellbound
by a crazy Anarchist boxer, harassed by passers by, and otherwise
interacts with the street scene.  Amusing, frightening, and more than a
bit funny."

As the above should make clear, the reviews are worth reading for the
editors' droll sense of humor, if nothing else, but chances are
excellent that you'll find a few magazines listed here that you want to
subscribe to, too.  To mention just two publications that have been
featured in Desperado recently, there's The Funny Times and The Chicken
Boy Catalog for a Perfect World.

To be fair, though, I should point out that the above is *not* a
representative sample of what's reviewed.  Mike has deep roots in the
Science Fiction, APA, Anarchist, and other movements; there's also a
lot here on home schooling, and lots of punk music and zines.  The
literary magazines have been increasing lately, too.  And if Desperado
was on paper, I suspect it would get a favorable review.

If any of these names are familiar, you'll find several zines with
things either by or about them:  G.G. Allin, "Bob", Ace Backwords,
Whiteboy, tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE, The Church of Tina, Joe E., Bob
Black.  If you can identify more than a couple of these, you should be
sending your zine to Mike for review.  It's only fair to warn you,
though, that Jesse Helms would be very offended, not only by many of
the publications reviewed, but probably by FF itself.

Complete ordering information is provided for all items reviewed.  I
should also mention the copyright policy: except for the columns and
artwork, anything in Factsheet Five can be reprinted, with or without
permission, with or without credit.

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I reviewed FF awhile back, but we could almost run a review of every issue.
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From:	KRISIS::reeves "Jon Reeves" 
To:	dum::t_parmenter	
Subj:	RE: Factsheet Five: the magazine of magazines

Should have known you would have already done something on it.

Interesting that we both picked American Window Cleaner...

Incidentally, if someone asks for contact info on the mags I mentioned:

The 4-Square Mag #1 ($.50 from The 4-Square Hooligans, 1101 W. Broadway,
Columbia, MO  11953)

American Window Cleaner #23 ($6 from 27 Oak Creek Road, El Sobrante CA 94803)

Cichlidae Communique #59-61 ($12/yr from Pacific Coast Cichlid
Association, PO Box 28145, San Jose CA 95128)

Condo Mondo June-Aug 1990 ($.50? from Nancy Lorance, PO Box 6041,
Evanston, IL  60204)

The Insider Gun News V. 4 #8 ($50/12 issues from The Gunpress Publishing
Co, PO Box 2441, Merrifield VA  22116)

The Joe News #5 (SASE? from PO Box 153, Back Bay Annex, Boston, MA 02117)

The News of the Watchmen Jul/Aug '90 (on request from Universal Church
of God, 715 2nd Ave NE, Long Prairie, MN  56347)

No Mayo News v. 1 #2 ($3 from POB 8825, Honolulu, HI 96830)

Notes from the Dump #74-76 ($20/yr from Terry Ward, POB 39, Acworth NH 03601)

The Optimistic Pezzimist #5 ($3 from Mike Robertson, POB 606, Dripping
Springs TX 78620)

Sasquatch #milk ($1? from the Prime Minister of Livestock and Heavy
Machinery, 416 Maine Ave #4A, Farmingdale ME 04347)

"On the Street with Crad Kilodney vol. 2" ($10 from POB 281, Station S,
Toronto ONT M5M 4L7 CANADA)

And more contact info for Mike himself:

Phone: 518-479-3707
Computer: 518-479-3879
Compuserve: 72271,275 (Internet: 72271.275@compuserve.com)
Well: ffmike (ffmike@well.sf.ca.us)

And he now takes plastic for amounts over $10.

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Date: Sat, 4 May 1991 13:41:21 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

As told by Jack Berkery:

Many years ago, when I first bought a Commodore-64 for my kids, I got a game
which just drew nice things on the screen. You know the type, hit D for draw,
M for move, C to change the color and befor long you have a screen full of
geometric shapes, lines and colors. Not all that exciting for us perhaps, but
kids get a kick out of doing it.

Well, Tommy, my four year old, wanted to have a go at it, so I turned it on
and showed him some things he could do with it and went upstairs to take a
shower. 30 minutes later, I came back to see the screen full of some very
interesting designs. Circles, squares, triangles, all different colors, criss-
crossed with solid lines, dashed lines, lines of every type and color. Much of
it using options and functions I had never shown him and should have taken
several days to have mastered.

I was amazed to say the least. "Wow Tommy! That's great" I said, "Show me how
you did that." And he did. He took hold of the keyboard with both hands and
bashed his forehead into it several times.

[I often program this way.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 4 May 1991 13:41:21 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 4 May 1991 13:41:21 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

When leaving the Soviet Union, emmigrants must go through a very extensive
search of all of their belongings.  What is or is not allowed depends on the
inspector's mood, and can vary from foreign rugs to make up, to foods
that require cooking, such as rice (I am not kidding here).
  Some things are of course not allowed to
be taken along, no matter how nice or easy to bribe the inspector is.
One is absolutely not allowed to take money over some almost nonexistant
amount,  or jewlery beyong a few items. That of course does not mean that
people do not try to smuggle things.
  The customs check involves a strip search, and the inspector is
free to dig through all of one's baggage.  So one man tried to smuggle out
diamonds by hiding them in the heels of his shoes.  Then,  at the last
minute, he got scared, (people have been denied permission to leave for
hiding things, and anything which is found is confiscated and kept by the
inspector or the state), and switched shoes with his brother,
who was staying behind,
and had come along to say goodbye.  The inspector turned out to be a really
tough one, and cut up the man's shoes, looking for hidden money/jewlery/etc.
Well, now the guy has no shoes, and can't very well travel all the way
to Austria (first stop outside USSR) without shoes. So he asks his
brother to give him "his" shoes .... the ones with the diamonds.
 The man, and the shoes, and the diamonds, are now safely in the U.S.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 4 May 1991 13:41:21 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

A friend of mine claims to have observed the following incident at the
US-Canada border:

A couple of US tourists come to the border, and speaking very slowly and
distinctly (but with a strong southern accent), the husband asks "Do you
speak English?"

The border guard replies, "How nice of you to learn our language before
visiting our country."

[If you don't understand why this is funny, you're either part of
 the problem, or you're from Quebec :-)   --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 9 May 1991 17:53:31 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton
(Walker; $8.95)  Enjoy!

	In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within
the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with
whom he is unaquainted."

	In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at
the same time.

	In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars
to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

	In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket
and pants that do not match.

	In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a
farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

	In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie
house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four
hours of eating garlic.

	In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind
of strapless gown.

	In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city
street and drink beer from a bucket.

	In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an
automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on
the couple's own property.

	In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while
walking on your hands.

	In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without
her husband's permission.

	In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a
second-story window within the city limits.  It's also illegal to take
a lion to the movies.

	In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her
clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)

	In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed
to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church
service.

	In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within
1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

	In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at
night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10
minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

	In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear
unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

	In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife
with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider
strap.

	In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any
highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two
officers or unless she be armed with a club"

	An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this
statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 9 May 1991 17:53:31 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com

Bella English, 8/13/90

"A Little English on the Language"

Last week, I read in the newspaper that Deborah Norville was irked at
the use of her name in the following manner:  "Jane Pauley was norvilled
out of a job."  In other words, thrown over for a youger, blonder
version.  Like, Marla norvilled Ivana.  Quayle norvilled Dole.

In the spirit of all people who have been norvilled in this world, I
offer the following excerpts from English's New World Dictionary.

chung:  v. to aggressively attempt to get pregnant.  (She was desperate
	to get chunged.)

quayle:  v. 1.  to listen with a look of intense concentration, without
	a clue to what the speaker is saying. (The Russian spoke in his
	native tongue, so all I could do was quayle.)  2.  to
	impersonate a vice president. (I'm quayling for Halloween.)

quail:  v.  what the rest of us do when we see Danny Boy impersonating a
	vice president.

saddam-ize:  v.  to commit an unnatural act of aggression against your
	neighbor.  (Iraq saddamized Kuwait.)

dukakis:  n.  1.  massive failure. (The autopsy report indicated death
	was due to a coronary dukakis.)  2.  a nosedive into oblivion
	(He did a dukakis off the Tobin Bridge.)  v.  to snatch defeat
	from the jaws of victory.  (Despite their first place standing,
	I expect the Red Sox to dukakis before the season is out.)

silber:  v.  to blame the press whenever you make a fool out of
	yourself.  adj.  sexist.  (Frankly, that was a rather silber
	remark.)

bellotti:  v.  1.  to tan well into your sixties without wrinkling.  2.
	to run repeatedly for office until you finally win.  (Jesse
	Jackson is attempting to bellotti for president.)  3)  to have
	12 kids because they're cheaper by the dozen.

murphy:  see dukakis, above.

hart:  n.  to suffer from an acute hormonal imbalance, specifically, of
	testosterone.  (Poor woman; her husband was being treated for a
	hart-attack.)

bush:  v.  to take vacation, early and often, particularly in the middle
	of an international crisis.  (George was bushing it up in
	Kennebunkport.)

bushed:  adj.  very tired, exhausted from all that boating, fly fishing,
	golfing, jogging, and biking.

bushwhacked:  v.  to be photographed in a compromising position.
	(Michael Dukakis was bushwhacked while driving a tank and
	wearing a Snoopy helmet.)

barbara (bush):  v.  to achieve great popularity for no apparent reason.
	(A recent Wellesley College graduate stated:  "Heavens, no.  I
	don't plan to work.  I plan to barbara.")

neil (bush):  v.  1.  to state as your primary defense to criminal
	charges that your daddy is president.  2.  to state as your
	primary defense to criminal charges that you're not crooked,
	just stupid.

barry:  v.  to cry racism after you're caught in a hotel room with a
	bimbo on your arm and coke up your nose.  (The mayor has been
	barrying all over the place.)

sex, lies, and videotape:  n.  the new movie about Mayor Marion Barry
	and his escapades in a Washington hotel room.

trump (d.):  v.  to file for bankruptcy while living on only half a
	million bucks a month.

trump (i.):  v.  to cry poverty because you're only getting a $25
	million divorce settlement.

roseanne:  n.  the name of a television show, whose original working
	title was, "two hundred thirtysomething."

marcos:  n.  a behavioral disorder characterized by pathological
	spending of other people's money.  (I marcosed out with my
	parents' Visa at Filene's Basement last week.)  (The S&L bandits
	are marcosing with our tax dollars.)

vinnie:  v.  to impress a young lady by driving a souped-up Corvette and
	wearing gold chains and tank tops.  ("Boy, he really vinnied
	that chick.")  adj.  anything particular to Corvettes, gold
	chains, and tank tops (Revere Beach is super vinnie.)

langone:  n.  1.  an extremely sexist member of the Governor's Council
	who calls women reporters "dear" and "honey."  (Joseph is a real
	langone.)  2.  an extremely obnoxious member of the Governor's
	Council who threatens to "bury" an outstanding woman lawyer
	seeking a judgeship.  3.  mortician to the Angiulos.

idiot:  n.  any member of the Massachusetts Legislature.

Massachusetts:  n.  one of 13 original states; former commonwealth of
	the US, now a national zoo.

reagan:  n.  someone who is overpaid and underworked.  (Ronald was a
	real reagan.)

english:  n.  someone who is overworked and underpaied.  (Bella is a real
	english.)

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 11 May 1991 14:42:45 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

Helpful error messages:

Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one
error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program"

Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! ....

Management was not amused when the first customer called in for
support with this message. :-)

[Hmm....new ideas for the next system I build.  I got my favorite
error message for the Clouds kernel from the net during a discussion
on these topics: "Shut 'er down Scotty -- she's suckin mud agin!" --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 3 May 91 23:30:04 GMT
Subject: grading methods
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.

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End of Yucks Digest
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