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Yucks Digest V1 #50
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #50
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Mon, 6 May 91 20:46:53 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Mon, 6 May 91 Volume 1 : Issue 50
Today's Topics:
"I'll put another giraffe on the barby for ya!"
All the News that Fits...
Another LA Cop joke
grading methods
Layer Cake 1040
Living Mastodon Bacteria
New horizons in ambulance chasing
President Quayle
RISKS DIGEST 11.59
Texas murder plot
The Demise of "Dallas"
The fun "guv"
The infamous Gary Barnes SPR
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Sat, 4 May 91 13:48:19 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: "I'll put another giraffe on the barby for ya!"
To: yucks-request
Giraffe barbecue goes ahead
JOHANNESBURG, May 4 (AFP) - A controversial giraffe barbecue went ahead in
Lichtenburg in the western Transvaal on Saturday despite an international
outcry from conservationists, state-run television reported here.
The Lichtenburg Afrikaner Club bought the 900-kilogram (2,000-pound) giraffe
from the Faan Meintjes nature reserve outside Klerksdorp, some 140 kilometres
(87 miles) southwest of Johannesburg, where it was shot during a cull, and
roasted it for 18 hours on a spit Saturday.
Protesters from the Front for the Liberation of Animals and the Conservation
of Nature (Falcon) mounted a picket at the barbecue site around midday.
A Falcon spokesman said the barbecue was "turning the killing of an animal
into a circus." Police broke up the protest, the television said.
Some 50 litres (13 gallons) of marinade were injected into the carcass
during the cooking.
Organisers expected 1,500 people for the barbecue and barn dance, with
tickets selling at 100 rands (37 dollars) per couple, proceeds going to a
children's home.
Zebra, crocodile, ostrich and virtually every type of antelope and gazelle
are routinely served at restaurants in Johannesburg.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, May 2, 1991 2:42:59 PM
From: Mark Anbinder <mha%baka.UUCP@theory.TN.CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: All the News that Fits...
To: MacMash PEOPLE <mash-people@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
#A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley
Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home
while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the
burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30
------------------------------
Date: 26 Apr 91 16:20:06 GMT
From: (null)
Subject: Another LA Cop joke
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the San Francisco Chronicle: Sporting Green by Tom FitzGerald
Did you hear why the LA Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early?
To beat the crowd.
------------------------------
Date: 3 May 91 23:30:04 GMT
From: ZABRISK.auvm.edu@auvm.UUCP ( CHRISTOPHER T. ZABRISKIE )
Subject: grading methods
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
------------------------------
Date: 6 May 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: J.LEVINSON3@genie.com (Jody)
Subject: Layer Cake 1040
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKE 1040
Line 1. Butter, a mimimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
see Form 551.
Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax
credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole
wheat flour.
Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use
of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost
of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of
household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you
must add salt.
Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will
result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may
be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized
Substitutions.
Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds
5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you
begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream
butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever
occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see
Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed
mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole
owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For
the Birds."
Line 11. Add vanilla.
Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you
are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding
instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in
flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7
for exception) and baking powder.
Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type
(See Line 8a).
Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch
round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you
should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line
9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake
pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn
cake(s) out onto wire rack.
When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed
for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for
details on appropriate frostings.
Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal
weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete
Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
Happy Taxes!
Jody
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 11:11:41 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Living Mastodon Bacteria
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Living Mastodon Bacteria
Living bacteria found in the intestines of an 11,000 year old
mastodon carcass may help scientists unlock the mystery of genetic
evolution. Tens of thousands of living single cell organisms believed
to be remnants of the mammal's last meal were found inside the rib
cage. The mastodon was found on Dec 12, 1989 by workers turning a
peat bog into a lake at Burning Tree Golf Course in Central Ohio,
about 25 miles east of Columbus. " This bacteria could be the oldest
living organism ever found," said Gerald Goldstein of Ohio Wesleyan
University's biology microbiology department. "And by looking at the
genetic contents of these bacteria ... we might have a real good
indication of how genetic evolution has occurred." Goldstein said his
tests identified two strains of enterobactercloacae, a bacterium
commonly found in the intestinal tracts of mammals.
{Boston Globe May 4, 1991}
[If the find some mammoth bacteria, they won't need to use a
microscope, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 May 91 15:36:40 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: New horizons in ambulance chasing
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
From: Dale Worley <worley@compass.com>
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
A divorce lawyer hired "four of the most beautiful women he could
find" to hang around in bars, get picked up by married men, and hand
out his business card!
He got in trouble with the Bar Association ethics committee for that
one.
Sounds like a truly Bobly sales technique to me!
Dale
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 12:26:29 EDT
From: Patrick Sobalvarro <pgs@ai.mit.edu>
Subject: President Quayle
Yesterday afternoon a sendmail error caused a message originally
directed to BL867413%ARL.NSA.GOV@SECURE.MILNET.MIL to land in my
mailbox on AI. It took me most of the night to decode it, and for
some parts I was never able to come up with cleartext, but the overall
picture is clear enough. The text included the following paragraph,
which I am disseminating while I still can. I expect that the CIA's
crack team of sendmail "janitors" will come to "take out" my
workstation and me in a matter of hours.
BUSH SCHEDULED FOR TERMINATION <7 tokens not decoded> BETHESDA TEAM
USED FOR CASEY. IN FACE OF RENEWED IRAN-CONTRA <3 tokens not
decoded> LOSS IN 92 SEEMS LIKELY. <4 tokens not decoded> DEATH,
IRAN-CONTRA INVESTIGATION WILL CEASE.
Wish me well. I'm going to try to make it to Logan now. Perhaps I'll
be safe in Prague, but there's no tellinghkjll^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^DD^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D
q!
------------------------------
Date: 1 May 91 23:34:44 GMT
From: jane@stratus.swdc.stratus.com (Jane Beckman)
Subject: RISKS DIGEST 11.59
Newsgroups: comp.risks
I've been meaning to post this for a while, as it is a perfect illustration
of the hazards of a system that gets too dependant on computer programs.
In 1989, Mongomery Ward had a sale of "discontinued, one-of-a-kind, and out-
of-date merchandise." A fellow I was dating, who was a Wards employee, told
me the story of where it had come from. Around 1985, Wards had reprogrammed
their master inventory program. Somehow, the entry for the major distribution
warehouse in Redding, California, was left out. One day, the trucks simply
stopped coming. Nothing was brought into the warehouse, and nothing left.
Paychecks for the employees, however, which were on a different system, kept
coming. While this was baffling to the employees, they figured it was better
not to make waves. (Rumor has it that they were afraid the warehouse had
been phased out, and they had "forgotten" to lay them off, and figured it was
better to stay employed.) They went to work every day, and moved boxes
around the warehouse, and submitted timecards, for three years, until someone
doing an audit finally wondered why major amounts of merchandise had simply
disappeared. Tracing things back, the missing warehouse was finally re-found.
They were then stuck with an entire warehouse full of white elephants---
merchandise that was three years out of date. Thus, Wards stores throughout
California ended up with major amounts of discontinued merchandise to sell at
deep discounts. Wards, being majorly embarrassed, tried to downplay how the
merchandise was "found." Or, more specifically, why it had become lost in
the first place.
The store employees got a big chuckle over the warehouse employees being
afraid to mention this oversight to the higher-ups, for fear of becoming
unemployed. Many references to "like jobs with the government."
Of course, the question is: is this the only case like this? Are there more
places where an operator entry glitch has caused some function to simply
disappear? Things like this happen when live people are accidentally classed
as "dead," etc. What happens if someone types the wrong thing, and the local
branch of your bank, or MacDonalds, or whatever, simply ceases to exist, to
the central computer?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 May 91 17:13:48 EDT
From: meo%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Texas murder plot
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Loosely translated from the original CNN:
In an apparent case of professional jealousy, a Texas
professor has been indicted for attempted murder. He
alledgedly placed a cancer-causing agent in a bottle
of nasal spray used by his assistant, who is waiting
for lab results to show how much damage was done.
Abraham Lincoln's DNA is being examined to determine
whether his height was a result of disease. Some people
have raised questions about whether this is ethical, and
whether it "violates Lincoln's privacy" (I don't believe
he's answered, himself - Miles). Scientists say they can
not yet clone Lincoln from his DNA. (David Duke no doubt
rests easier.)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 May 91 14:01:35 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: The Demise of "Dallas"
To: yucks-request
Dallas Fan Misses Show Already
By HARRY F. ROSENTHAL
Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON (AP)
There are 34 Friday nights left in the year. The problem: how to
get through them without J.R. and Bobby and Southfork?
There is no "Dallas" any more.
Where do we get our weekly dose of sleaze, which is as necessary
to our lives as fat is to a hamburger? Where on the dial is Evil, now
that Dallas-the city is all hat and no Ewings?
Real life is no match for Southfork. The S&L scandal? It can't
equal five minutes in Cliff Barnes' apartment. The Kennedy family
sagas? There were more interesting breakfast conversations on the
ranch and things moved a lot faster.
Only a Dallas fan could understand a Dallas fan. What pulled us to
the screen each week wasn't the treachery and double-dealing. It was
the quality of the treachery and double-dealing. No other TV imitator
ever came close.
The little smile around J.R.'s mouth when he hatched his schemes
was worth all the silliness of the plots. Sue Ellen's hatred for
J.R., when she finally decided to get him, matched Ahab's obsession
with the whale.
Now, perhaps, Dallas fans will revert to their own hearth on
Fridays, not the Ewings'. On the whole, the television gang was more
interesting.
Two things you could count on: the women always were beautiful.
The men were wheeling and dealing. Most of us don't have enough of
that in our lives.
They bought and sold oil companies quicker than we choose a pair
of shoes. There were no poor people in the 356 episodes, even though
niece Lucy married a struggling young doctor who was revolted by the
thought of taking Ewing money.
So, what to do with Friday nights. Watch TV without Dallas?
Impossible. Turn to another network? Get real! They're showing
"Family Matters" and "Perfect Strangers."
There's always bingo. Or going to the deli to watch the bacon
slicer work. Or reading tepid tales of lust, evil and treachery like
Hamlet and Macbeth.
"Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good," wrote Ralph Waldo
Emerson.
Some of us had Dallas.
EDITOR'S NOTE Harry F. Rosenthal, a writer in the Washington
bureau of The Associated Press, also likes to watch "The Price is
Right."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 May 91 19:26:39 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: The fun "guv"
To: yucks-request
Governor Spurning Funny Hats
BALTIMORE (AP)
Maryland Gov. William Donald Schaefer says he won't don silly hats
and costumes anymore following a spread in a supermarket tabloid
showing him wearing a Victorian swimming suit.
""They wouldn't let a governor look human. They turned it around
and made it look mean and obnoxious," Schaefer said Wednesday at a
Baltimore flower show, where he wore a yellow hard hat.
The supermarket tabloid, The Star, used a 1981 photo of Schaefer,
when he was Baltimore mayor, clutching a rubber duck and wearing a
Victorian bathing suit before swimming in the seal pool at the
National Aquarium.
The story's headline read "the wackiest governor in America" and
the photo caption read: "Gov. Schaefer of Maryland performs another
bizarre stunt."
Schaefer's zany antics were considered charming when he was mayor,
but have attracted critics since he was elected governor. He has
behaved oddly at times, making unannounced visits and writing nasty
replies to residents who write critical letters.
Last week, Schaefer turned up at a party for state workers dressed
as Elvis Presley, wearing a white outfit, a bad wig and black
sideburns and carrying a guitar.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 13:02:03 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The infamous Gary Barnes SPR
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Due to requests from Joe Newcomer and others here is the infamous
Gary Barnes SPR.
The SPR was submitted by Gary in 1980. The SPR was read at a DECUS
in 1984. The session in which it was read was part of the 20th
anniversary of 36 bit computers. The story told at the time was that
DEC never responded or published this SPR, but the response was
posted on the wall at the Large Systems Group for a year.
-------------------------------------------------------------
TOPS-20 4(3247) MOUNTR 4(64) Dec/1/80
Problem: MOUNTR was obviously never tested.
MOUNTR is basicly a mound of decayed, worm eaten, and fly besotten
fecal matter.
Diagnosis: There is code in there that literally must be executed in
order for it to run properly and DDT break-points and STOP codes
placed in that code never occur. ie There literally exist no Jrsts
or Calls to that code.
The account (Usage) records that it writes are almost completely
wrong. There are more fields which are wrong than fields which are
correct. There are even more fields left erroneously blank than there
are fields which are correct.
There are half word fields used as accumulators for things that could
easily exceed 256K, ie. number of records read and written on a
tape.
It keeps around fake "mount request" blocks after the instigating
dismount request is gone, ie. mount a structure, dismount it, and
you (sometimes) cannot mount it again due to the extraneous blocks
hanging around.
The person who wrote it was obviously not an Ace Macro Hacker even
though his user name was R.ACE. He obviously had never seen or
written Macro before. The comments are often misleading and not
uncommonly wrong, ie the code without the comments would be easier to
understand.
It is easily confused if the operator does something strange (ie
wrong order of commands with tape initializes and setting drives
off-line and such) or if the drives go a little flakey due to device
errors. This usually results in its having to be killed and
restarted. Someimes INFO has to be restarted also.
The VOLID in the Usage record is usually set to be the logical tape
name that the user happened to use. The Read/Write counts are either
zero or they are astronomically incorrect. The error counts are
truly creative acts of fiction. The label type is incorrect and is
quite often the label type of a tape mounted by another user in the
recent past, usually on another drive.
MOUNTR was obviously tested by the learn-to-swim method. Ie. You
throw the customers into MOUNTR infested water and see how many get
eaten alive before they learn to swim. I have it from our local DEC
office that the Field Test sites complained of grossly incorrect
Usage records to which DEC responded with an "it will be fixed". I
was also told that the final release has the same errors in the Usage
records.
The programmer involved should be sent to school to learn how to do
things or he should be promoted to a position where he cannot damage
future software.
Cure: Wem are currently rewriting large portions of MOUNTR. We fix
an average of 10 bugs a day for each day that we can stomach working
on this code.
PS: As I was writing this, rather vitrolic, SPR I was informed by
our local DEC'ee that R.ACE, the author of this abomination, has
left DEC for other places. To this I respond, HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH.
---------------------------------------------------------
reply from DEC
----------------------------------
MOUNTR IS A PIECE OF SHIT.
Thank you for your SPR on MOUNTR. Your diagnosis is entirely
correct. MOUNTR was never tested and was intentienally coded poorly.
MOUNTR is part of a test to see just how bad a product can be. Thus
far the test has been highly successful and it will enter phase 2
with the release of GALAXY 4.1 and the mountable device allocator
code in QUASAP.
Now dealing with your SPR in detail we shall address each problem.
1. MOUNTR was never tested, not even once, that it loads at all is
a surprise to all of us here at DEC. You are lucky it assembles.
2. MOUNTR is a mound of fly besotten fecal matter, the flies won't
touch it.
3. There is code in MOUNTR which must not be executed for anything to
work at all. This code4 will totally destroy the validity of any
accurate information which happens to be around. Breakpoints and
stop codes placed in these locations will be hit continuously.
4. The accounting records are completly wrong. There is code in
MOUNTR to check the correctness of each field before it is written
and change the field if it happens to contain valid information.
5. There are 2 bit fields which are supposed to contain numbers in
the range 4-10.
6. It not only keeps fake mount request blocks but it changes the
real ones using a complex formula involving the phase of the moon,
number of federal judges in Wyoming and the price of OPEC oil in
pesos.
7. You are correct the person who wrote MOUNTR had never seen MACRO
before, as a matter of fact none of us here at DEC can read or
write at all. This answer is being typed by a monkey who is
hitting the keys at random.
8. It is easily confused if the operator does something strange. For
example, if the operator picks his nose with a shark's tooth
MOUNTR will die with an illegal memory write.
9. Thank you for your compliment on the error counts being truly
creative acts of fiction. We are rather proud of our-error count
determination formula:
ERROR=PI/2*(numbers of users on system)/(processor serial number)+
(milliseconds since the hostages were taken in Iran)**2
10. The final release had totally different and much worse errors in
the usage records than those errors reported during field test.
11. No school in the country would take any of us. We are grade
school dropouts who program to support our alcoholism and
debauchery.
12. Good luck rewriting MOUNTR. If you can make it work at all I
will be amazed.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------