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Yucks Digest V1 #48
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #48
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 16:57:00 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Tue, 30 Apr 91 Volume 1 : Issue 48
Today's Topics:
[mbarnett@cs.utexas.edu (Michael Barnett): words just fail me]
Another LA Cop joke
Anyone Smell Smoke Sunday???: The Next Generation
Borland Upgrade Order (funny)
Calling all medflies
College Life
Desert Storm...my way
Flying turkeys (was dropping ping-pong balls)
Live DJ for Music-on-Hold
More chickens crossing roads
RubberBandWidth
saddam's bumperstickers
Saturdays Are Serious Business
Trendy Japanese Eat Live Fish
True Life Story
Yucks Digest V1 #46
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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From: mbarnett@cs.utexas.edu (Michael Barnett)
Newsgroups: utcs.grad,utcs.general
Subject: words just fail me
Date: 30 Apr 91 13:25:19 GMT
(Reprinted without permission from the Austin American-Statesman
Monday, April 29, 1991)
Intelligent computer more than a dream
MCC scientist instilling smarts into CYC
by Dick Stanley
At night, while humanity sleeps, a budding silicon personality in
North Austin is constantly thinking.
It resides on spools of magnetic tape on a computer in a locked room
on the second floor of MCC, the business initials of the Microelectronics
and Computer Technology Corp.
But after hours, when no one is using it, the computer program CYC
analyzes the two million bits of information stored in its memory.
And, according to its creator, it hungers for more.
Seven years and $15 million into its 10-year development, CYC --
short for encyclopedia and pronounced "psych" -- is the world's
first computer program to be independently intelligent.
That is, to be clever enough to make judgments without human help.
To be an expert adviser on business decisions and other matters. To
be a sympathetic companion, even a therapist.
Though its brain surgery is not scheduled to be completed until 1994,
CYC already is advising some of the 48 high-tech companies that bank-
roll MCC on things like how to buy computers.
CYC is learning the variables -- single or married, Cadillac or Mazda --
that go into buying a car. CYC already knows some of 128 languages and
is learning more. For business reasons, most of its uses are secret.
But CYC's creator, 40-year-old MCC scientist Doug Lenat, dreams of the
day, probably decades away, when CYC wll be a sort of knowledge utility.
He said it might be distributed worldwide, via telephone for a fee, to
subscribers seeking expert advice on personal or business matters.
If Lenat and MCC succeed with CYC, they will have taken a major leap
above the abilities of today's computers. They will have given CYC
the common sense that is missing from today's smartest computer programs.
Then even CYC's detractors will have to say it has something like a human
personality.
Lenat thinks CYC is closing in on the goal.
"It looks for gaps and holes in its knowledge," he said. "It doesn't just
docilely take what you tell it but asks further questions."
Giving CYC a voice will come later. That's the "easier part of the problem,"
Lenat said. For now, CYC speaks only in text.
Asked from a keyboard what it wants out of life, CYC shuffled some green
text on one of its black video screens and replied: "To keep the user
happy. To know things. To be consistent. To learn about CYC."
CYC's progress has made enthusiasts of some of its early detractors in the
tiny computer science field of artificial intelligence.
But critics remain. One is Brian Cantwell Smith, a researcher at Xerox
Corp. Earlier this year, Smith wrote a scathing critique of CYC in the
scientific journal "Artificial Intelligence".
Smith wrote that because CYC has no form, beyond that of electronic signals
zipping around microcircuitry, and no ability to move beyond its simulated
world, it cannot be said to be intelligent.
Other critics contend CYC is a grab bag of ideas, too messy a project to
become any more competent than the computer programs that run the space
shuttle. The commission that studied the 1986 accident that killed the
crew of the Challenger noted that the shuttle's computer programs do the
job but must be adjusted between flights.
Woody Bledsoe, a computer scientist at the University of Texas and a CYC
enthusiast, said the argument boils down to a battle between the scruffies
and the neats.
Neats are theorists who want roadmaps for everything they do. Scruffies
want to get on with it and, then, onto another project.
"We've taken an engineering approach, scruffy rather than neat," Lenat
agreed. "But one of the tools we've had to add to our kit is being neat."
Sheri Goodman is a 31-year-old Austin interpretive dancer. She is one
of CYC's 30 tutors. Half of them are in Austin, the rest communicate
with CYC via telephone-computer links from places like California and
New Jersey.
None of the tutors are computer scientists. They include a jazz musician,
an anthropologist, a teacher of French, a botanist and a mechanical
engineer.
Austin tutors meet at MCC in daily brainstorming sessions to pick new
concepts that CYC should know about.
"Lately," Goodman said, "I've been entering stuff about the weather.
Where weather happens, say. Not in buildings but in the world."
Tutors need not be specialists because CYC is not a storehouse of facts,
like a computer library, but a catalogue of concepts, analogies and
metaphors. CYC's memory is filled with rules of thumb for getting along
in the world.
"CYC knows it's a thing," Lenat said. "It doesn't deserve yet to have
gender pronouns applied to it. It knows about personalities but it has
no use for one."
He expects CYC to be ready to begin educating itself in 1994. At night,
while humanity sleeps, CYC will roam the computer databases of the world
by telephone. Maybe then it will want to choose a personality of its own.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Apr 91 16:20:06 GMT
From: slouie@ocf.berkeley.edu (Shelley Louie)
Subject: Another LA Cop joke
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the San Francisco Chronicle: Sporting Green by Tom FitzGerald
Did you hear why the LA Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early?
To beat the crowd.
------------------------------
From: Name Changed to Protect the Unamused <rex@devnet.la.locus.com>
Subject: Anyone Smell Smoke Sunday???: The Next Generation
To: The Whole Company <rex@devnet.la.locus.com>
-------
I'm now waiting for the next shot in the sure-to-follow _enormous_
corporate flame war regarding every past piccadillo that even remotely
involved coffee, electric warmers, spilled water or smoke. If this
is anything like the cigarette-in-the-stairwell or computer-facilities-
reliability jihads, it should be pretty damned funny...
Rex
-------
> Date: Mon, 22 Apr 91 09:09:22 -0700
> From: Name Changed to Protect the Intolerant <rex@locus.com>
> To: The Whole Company
> Subject: Anyone Smell Smoke Sunday???
>
> -------
> Congratulations are in order to whoever left the coffee pot boiling
> in the 5th floor demo room over the weekend. On Sunday morning, I
> smelled smoke and discovered a crusty hardened coffee pot still on
> high.... I took the responsibility for shutting off the boiler
> plate in your absence (whoever you are), but I feel that you are
> responsible for cleaning up after yourself and disposing of the
> damaged coffee pot. Shame...
I had a equal, but opposite problem this weekend. I was in Sunday and
found the coffee pot in the sixth floor lunchroom had overflowed and had
ruined the counter. We cleaned up the crusted coffee pots, the ruined
counter, and the flooded floor. It had to be done because the counter
was slowly warping, but it was not appreciated.
Bit by a Duck
"How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent."
------------------------------
From: Wayne Nichols:Wbst897AI:xerox
Subject: Borland Upgrade Order (funny)
Several weeks ago, I sent in the upgrade offer to receive the new Turbo
C++ compiler for $125. Yesterday (7/24), my wife called to tell me that
a very long UPS truck had parked in front of our house, and the UPS
driver wanted to know where to put the ** 7 pallets ** of stuff that I
had ordered. The total shipment was approx. 7000 pounds!
I asked to see the packing list, and Borland had shipped me ** 691 **
copies of the Turbo C++ upgrade!! The invoice total was ** $93,290 **
--
not bad for a credit card order!
Needless to say, I refused the shipment. Then I called Borland's
Customer Support and told them that I had placed an order, but didn't
receive what I had asked for. After checking the order, she immediately
understood why.
The situation was quickly resolved to my satisfaction.
Probable cause? 'Data entry error'.
But $93,290 on a credit card?? 691 units to a residential address??
I'm sure glad one of the kids hadn't answered the door. I can just
imagine it:
'Sign right where? OK. I guess you can put it the back,
in front of the garage ...'
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1991 18:22:48 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Calling all medflies
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
Mediterranean mating call
Los Angeles Times, July 23, 1990:
After a year of living with Medflies and malathion in Southern
California, there are people who wonder why the state has yet to unleash
a powerful weapon against the pest -- the harmonica.
As readers of the Farmer's Almanac know, the sound of the instrument's
lower F-sharp imitates perfectly the mating call of the Mediterranean
fruit fly, which will follow the sound to the ends of the earth -- or at
least out of Los Angeles county.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 11:23:21 EDT
From: golfinp@cc.gettysburg.edu
Subject: College Life
To: spaf
I'm sure you've seen this before, but in case you haven't, here's some College
humor:
In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the Faculty
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the Faculty went unto their Chairmen and sayeth
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide by the odor therof."
And the Chairmen went unto the Supervisor
of Buildings and Grounds and sayeth,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Supervisor went unto the Controller and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by it's strength."
And the Controller thought,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Controller went unto the Dean of the Faculty and sayeth unto him,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Dean went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote growth and efficiency
within all areas of the College."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.
------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 91 07:20:05 GMT
From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: Desert Storm...my way
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
from the Wall St Journal 4/26/91...
Satirist Argus Hamilton says the U.S. is still trying to drive
Saddam Hussein nuts: "Just today, his wife received a dozen
roses signed, 'You were wonderful last night. Love, Frank
Sinatra.' "
------------------------------
From: fiddler@concertina.Eng.Sun.COM (Steve Hix)
Subject: Flying turkeys (was dropping ping-pong balls)
> Then, of course, a few years later, the tv program WKRP had the
> episode where the DJs cooked up an idea to do a Thanksgiving promotion
> in which live turkeys were thrown out of a plane over the city (not
> knowing they can't fly).
Depends on the turkey, I suppose.
Several years ago, some state's Fish and Game department decided to
restock their state with wild turkey (domestically raised).
The process was expensive and slow, what with having to drive far out into
unsettled areas. Someone had the clever idea of air-dropping the birds.
Rather than jump right into the task, they decided to prove the concept
by dropping some (cheaper) live chickens. It had mixed success, sort of:
Drop chicken. White shape recedes into distance...puff of dust mixed with
feathers. Seems the chickens panicked, screwed their eyes shut and bored
on in as much of a fetal position as a chicken can manage. This result
was verified several times.
Rather than abandon the idea, they decided to try one drop with a (live)
turkey. Drop. Bundle of feathers receding...then the wings pop out, and
the turkey glides down to a safe landing. The stocking program was
successfully completed by airdrop.
It did indicate that there was something stupider than a turkey. (Of
course, a wild turkey isn't a domestic turkey, not that all domestic
turkeys are the same, and a chicken doesn't seem to measure up to a
turkey.)
------------------------------
Date: 24 Apr 91 05:25:36 GMT
From: decwrl!well.sf.ca.us!well!nagle@uunet.uu.net (John Nagle)
Subject: Live DJ for Music-on-Hold
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
Word Perfect's tech support number (1-800-336-3614) now has a
live DJ playing music, running ads, and giving live traffic reports.
"And right now, the longest wait is twelve minutes on the UNIX support
line, with four people waiting. Two callers are waiting on the
printer line, and four, with an average wait of five minutes, on the
features line. There's no waiting on the other lines."
The concept is awesome.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Apr 91 10:30:03 GMT
Subject: More chickens crossing roads
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that
has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the
road doth so for its own preservation.
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Basil Fawlty: Oh don't mind that chicken, it's from Barcelona.
Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that?
I'm NOT a riddle-answering service. Anyway I've heard it before.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Apr 91 00:29:25 EDT
From: <D.RHEE@CSI.CompuServe.COM>
Subject: RubberBandWidth
To: <KOCH@CSI.CompuServe.COM>, <T.GORMAN@CSI.CompuServe.COM>,
On a recent tour of the New England Telephone switiching facilities, an
engineer spoke of how they can dynamically re-route bandwidth to deal
with emergency needs. Why, on the eve of Desert Storm, they were able to
provide an unprecedented number of trunks to a phone number in Braintree,
Massachusetts. Seems that what with all the news broadcasts being
interrupted, people couldn't find out the winning lottery numbers, and
thus had to call the lottery office directly. . . .
------------------------------
Date: 27 Apr 91 07:20:13 GMT
From: KENT@vf.jsc.nasa.gov
Subject: saddam's bumperstickers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Taken from the Houston Chronicle Page 2A from Thursday, April 18, 1991
I (symbol of spade) Kurds
In response to Lenore Skenazy, who asked Advertising Age readers to come up
with bumper stickers for Saddam Hussien:
"My Army imvaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can"
"Shiites happen"
"Dukakis-Bentsen in '92"
"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"
"Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how"
"If you're rich and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single"
"If you can read this you're probably with the 1st Airborne"
"Bomb me, I need the insurance"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 91 22:02:35 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Saturdays Are Serious Business
To: yucks-request
By DEBORAH HASTINGS
AP Television Writer
LOS ANGELES (AP)
Saturday morning. Early Saturday morning. Mom and Dad were still
asleep. Dragging a bowl, spoon, milk carton and cereal box, you
parked in front of the TV.
Sitting as close to the screen as you darn well pleased, you
stared at the test pattern and waited. 6 a.m. finally came. And so
did the cartoons.
No matter how many cartoon crazes have passed before the
glazed-over eyes of countless kids, the institution of Saturday
morning has remained constant.
And so has its classic members. Although some of today's shows are
more sophisticated in story lines and animated details, young viewers
are loyal to the same characters their parents watched.
New lineups announced for September by the four networks mix
sports stars, movie spinoffs and Yogi Bear, Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny
and Winnie the Pooh.
"Kids like the classic characters," said Jennie Trias, vice
president of children's programs for ABC. "Children are not very
discriminating about the production value" of cartoons. "They are
very discriminating when it comes to characters.
"If they really like a character, they don't care if the
background moves," Trias said.
The business of creating Saturday morning programs has moved
considerably.
It is no longer just the Big Three networks broadcasting such
fare. Upstart Fox Broadcasting Co. has launched a whole line of
programs under its Fox Children's Network.
With the advent of VCRs and toddlers who learn to punch "play"
before their ABCs, video tapes of Disney classics and other cartoon
fare have made the marketplace increasingly combative.
"Competition is very intense," Trias said.
Fox's Saturday lineup for fall includes "Attack of the Killer
Tomatoes" (spun off from the cult film), "Tom & Jerry's Kids Show"
and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures" (also spun off from a film
and dropped this year from CBS' cartoon schedule).
CBS, the No. 1 network among 2- to 11-year-olds on Saturday
mornings, has the biggest childhood phenomenon going (Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles).
For fall, it is adding a new half-hour series mixing live action,
animation, claymation and puppetry titled "Riders in the Sky."
CBS also is creating a series based on "Where's Waldo?" the
best-selling children's book series.
NBC, which is last among the Big Three networks when it comes to
children's programming, has completely overhauled its Saturday
morning slate.
Five new series have been added, including "Heckle and Jeckle,"
"Popeye," and "Yo! Yogi" (starring you know who, Boo Boo).
NBC also nabbed "Home Alone" star Macaulay Culkin for an animated
series in which his cartoon likeness gets awarded one magic wish per
week.
Sports stars Bo Jackson, Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan will
star in "ProStars," (well, their voices will, actually). The cartoon
series will feature the trio using their athletic prowess to right
the world's wrongs.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 91 20:50:06 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Trendy Japanese Eat Live Fish
To: yucks-request
TOKYO (AP)
The latest in food rages in Japan is to eat fish live flounder
that flap around on the plate, finger-length eel swallowed raw. And
remember, if the shrimp don't dance, send 'em back.
"The food moves around a lot that's the whole idea," said Sunao
Uehara, a chef at Chunagon, a well-known seafood restaurant in Ginza,
one of Tokyo's most expensive nightspots.
Shrimp, flounder and lobster are by no means the only energetic
entrees on the trendy diners' menu. Other attractions include firefly
squid, loaches, sea bream and young yellowtail.
Waiters bring the fish in wiggling, their eyes and mouths moving,
then quickly slice open the midsection and gut it, so the fish is
ready to eat. Like sushi or sashimi, the slices are dipped in a
mixture of soy sauce and horseradish.
Lobster is served belly up, with an incision made along the length
of the tail so diners can get at the meat. Small squid and eels are
eaten whole.
Shrimp are featured in a dish called "dance," and are expected to
do just that.
"We're packing them in," boasted Uehara, who specializes in
preparing live lobster.
Though some Japanese express misgivings about eating live food, it
is a concept that fits in easily with the emphasis on freshness and
au naturel presentation upon which Japanese gastronomy is based.
Toshio Fujii, an X-ray technician from a stretch of Japan's
western coast where discerning seafood eaters are the rule, said he
prefers to eat his fish live because "they don't come any fresher."
"My 7-year-old daughter likes them, too," he said. "But eels are
kind of gross. I had them in my beer one time. Too many little bones."
The recent resurgence in the popularity of live food in Japan
practiced for centuries by hungry Japanese fishermen is part of a
larger "gourmet boom" fueled by Japan's ever-growing economy,
according to one industry official.
"People have more money to spend on food and are looking for
better-tasting, more unusual dishes," said Tatsuo Saegusa, spokesman
for the Japan Food Service Association, which represents several
large restaurant chains.
Live fish tend to be expensive. Lobster courses at Chunagon range
from a basic $44 meal to the top-of-the-line $120 dinner.
"The expense just makes it all the more appealing," said Fujii.
"The more it costs, the better we expect it to taste."
Saegusa said there are reasons besides trendiness and flavor that
account for the popularity of live seafood. "It's a performance. It's
like the cook is saying, `Here, I am giving you a life."'
A spokesman for the Japan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals said the group doesn't consider the practice to be cruel.
"Eating live fish is part of our unique Japanese culinary
culture," said the spokesman, who requested anonymity.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 91 08:26:28 EDT
From: Rich Epstein <REPSTEIN@gwuvm.gwu.edu>
Subject: True Life Story
To: "Chief Yuckster, SPAF!" <spaf>
JURY DUTY
It's been a difficult semester for yours truly, so you can imagine
my joy when I received a summons to appear for jury duty on April
5 at the Superior Court of the District of Columbia. This is the
price one pays for living in the murder and violence capital of the
USA. Apparently, any citizen of the District of Columbia who has
never been convicted of committing a heinous crime is summoned for
jury duty and summoned often.
In the weeks before April 5th my mind was wild with objections and
fears concerning serving on a jury. I was sure I would be on the
jury for some big mafia chieftan, someone who bore a striking
resemblance to Marlon Brando. Or, maybe a psycho-path who was
accused of killing a jury member. Then, the thought arose in my
mind, a thought which took hold with firm conviction: "I have
strong philosophical and religious objections to passing judgement
on another human being!"
Jury duty in DC works like this. You sit in a big juror's lounge
watching National Geographic video tapes (I kid you not!!!) from
8:30 am until you are dismissed (usually by 5:30 pm). If you have
not been called to serve on a jury panel, you're free until the
next summons. A jury panel consists of about 60 potential jurists.
>From these, fourteen are chosen to serve on an actual jury.
I spent most of the day reviewing a new computer science text.
Occasionally I would look up at the National Geographic video tapes
being shown on the monitors. THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT
THESE TAPES PREJUDICE THE JUROR'S MINDS AGAINST THE DEFENDANTS AND
IF ANYONE EVER CAUGHT ON TO THIS, MANY CRIMINALS CONVICTED IN THE
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA WOULD HAVE TO BE SET SCOTT FREE. You see, the
video tapes showed crocodiles, snakes, spiders, lions, tigers and
other beasts of prey who have no mercy and who drink the blood of
their victims - if you get my drift. It didn't take me long to get
the message that pretty soon I might be sitting in a courtroom with
some real live human snakes, crocodiles, tarantulas, lions, tigers
and scorpions.
My chance came at three o'clock when I was chosen to be on a jury
panel. Oh, joy!
As soon as I saw the three young hoodlums beyond the defendant's
table I knew this wasn't a civil case. My throat went dry and my
stomache started to growl. Every ten or fifteen minutes or so my
stomache let out a loud rumble which could be heard throughout the
courtroom - or so I convinced myself.
The judge was a surprising affable fellow. I wish he were a
relative of mine. He would be comforting to have at funerals and
other such occasions. He would make a natural mortician.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a criminal case."
As if I didn't know.
"The defendants are accused of ... robbing someone at gunpoint ...
blah ... blah ... blah ... . "
The judge then went on, in his incredibly soothing and affable way,
to introduce the defendants, the prosecutor and the three defense
attorneys. One of the defendants waved at us in a rather congenial
manner. The others looked like they would prefer to rub us all out
with an Uzi or similarly efficient death co-processor.
"Ladies and gentlemen, [r-r-r-o-a-r ; my stomache again! ] the
bench is going to ask you a serious of questions which relate to
your ability to serve as jurors in this case. If you can answer yes
to a question, please stand up and give the court reporter your
juror number."
"Ladies and gentlemen, do any of you have strong philosophical or
religious objections to passing judgement on another human being?"
I couldn't believe it! The very first question. My question! But,
horror of horrors, no one, not a single soul stood up. If I stood
up all by myself I'd look like a complete idiot. Also, since this
was the first question I was afraid the judge would be asking
follow-up questions of me, personally, right in front of everyone.
Who knows what kind of grilling the judge would put me through:
"Juror number 464, are you some sort of religious fanatic, or do
you belong to some strange cult?" Etc. Etc.
So, I just sat there and the judge went on to the next question and
the next and the next. Many people stood, but not me.
"Ladies and gentlemen, do any of you have a strong emotional
reaction to guns?"
What? Is he joking? Nooooo! I don't have a strong reaction to guns.
I love it when a thug puts a gun in my mouth and shouts, "Eat lead!
Filthy yuppie scum!" That's my idea of a fun evening out on the
town. But, I didn't stand.
Then, with one dramatic question, the judge gave a biting
indictment of our entire American culture:
"Ladies and gentlemen, have any of you ever been forced to
surrender goods under the threat of violence, or do you have a
close relative or friend who has been a victim of such an
incident?"
I'll be damned, but NEARLY EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM ROSE EN MASSE,
LIKE A SINGLE MYSTICAL BODY. ALL OF US VICTIMS OF THIS VICIOUS,
VIOLENT CULTURE. Including yours truly. What a scene! It took all
of my will-power not to laught out loud [r-r-r-o-a-r ; my stomache
again! ].
My dad was mugged about ten years ago in Newark, New Jersey. He
wasn't injured or anything, but he was mugged. I started to think
about the perfection of the universe. Can it be that my father had
to suffer the indignity of being mugged so that his son wouldn't
have to serve on this bleeping jury? That's paternal love for you!
All jurors who stood in response to any of the judge's questions
were interviewed in private. The interviews took place in a small
room. Seated around the table were the three defendants, the
defense attorneys, some court reporter types, and the prosecutor,
plus Monty Hall, our judge.
"Juror 424, you said that either you were the victim of a robbery
or that someone close to you was. Can you tell us about that?"
"My father was mugged about ten years ago."
"Where did that happen?"
"Newark, New Jersey."
"Will that hinder you in any way insofar as arriving at a fair
verdict in this case?"
I was prepared for that. In my mind I had constructed an answer
something like, "Sure, I can render a fair verdict in this case, a
verdict which will send these scumbags up the river where they
belong!"
Unfortunately, my prepared answer came out more like, "No, your
honor."
This was even worse than my back-up response which was supposed to
be, "No, your honor, but it would really help me if you would tell
me the zodiac signs of the three defendants."
Well, as it turns out, I did not have to serve, but probably only
because my juror number was the highest in the entire jury panel
and they settled on fourteen jurors before they got to my number.
By the time it was decided that I would not be serving on the jury,
I was literally covered with sweat. As we left the courtroom the
dismissed jurors shouted with joy, something like children being
let out of school at the end of the school year.
I wonder how the case turned out.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 91 14:24:09 MDT
From: woods@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Greg Woods)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #46
To: Yucks-request
Hmm. I always thought the reason that the chicken crossed the road was
to lay it on the line!
--Greg
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 91 21:14:03 edt
From: "Patrick Tufts" <zippy@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
To: spaf
Brandeis Seminar Translation Service - Friday's talk:
Proof Theory for Proving | The talker took a ten terabyte
Properties of Polymorphic | tree traverser and translated it
Programs | into TECO, tells tale of tragedy
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End of Yucks Digest
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