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Yucks Digest V1 #42
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #42
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 19:18:51 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Mon, 15 Apr 91 Volume 1 : Issue 42
Today's Topics:
Re: Dognitive Science
Can we retake that, maury?
conspiracy
Fortune
Life's like that (not funny, but strange)
More stupid crook stories
New CS Curriculum
Pamela Smart Joke
Shaggy dog...er... gorilla story
Sichuan-style dumplings
Statistician joke
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1991 1:00:54 PDT
From: Chris "Johann" Borton <borton@garnet.berkeley.edu>
Subject: [topramen@ucbarpa.Berkeley.EDU (Oliver Grillmeyer) : Re: Dognitive
To: spaf
One Dognitive Science article deserves another....forwarded to me by
Oliver <topramen@arpa.berkeley.edu>
-cbb
SEMINAR
Approaches to the Inverse Dogmatics Problem:
Time for a return to localist networks?
Garrison W. Cottrell
Department of Dog Science
Condominium Community College of Southern California
The innovative use of neural networks in the field of Dognitive
Science has spurred the intense interest of the philosophers of
Dognitive Science, the Dogmatists. The field of Dogmatics is devoted to
making sense of the effect of neural networks on the conceptual
underpinnings of Dognitive Science. Unfortunately, this flurry of
effort has caused researchers in the rest of the fields of Dognitive
Science to spend an inordinate amount of time attempting to make sense
of the philosophers, otherwise known as the Inverse Dogmatics problem
(Jordan, 1990). The problem seems to be that the philosophers have
allowed themselves an excess of degrees of freedom in conceptual space,
as it were, leaving the rest of us with an underconstrained optimization
problem: Should we bother listening to these folks, who may be somewhat
more interesting than old Star Trek reruns, or should we try and get our
work done?
The inverse dogmatics problem has become so prevalent that many
philosophers are having to explain themselves daily, much to the dismay
of the rest of the field. For example Gonad[1] (1990a, 1990b, 1990c,
1990d, 1990e, well, you get the idea...) has repeatedly stated that no
connectionist network can pass his usually Fatal Furring Fest, where the
model is picked apart, hair by hair[2], until the researchers making
counterarguments have long since died[3]. One approach to this problem
is to generate a connectionist network that is so hairy (e.g., Pollack's
RAMS, 1990), that it will outlast Gonad's attempt to pick it apart.
This is done by making a model that is at the sub-fur level, that
recursively splits hairs, RAMming more and more into each hair, which
generates a fractal representation that is not susceptible to linear
hair splitting arguments.
Another approach is to take Gonad head-on, and try to answer his
fundamental question, that is, the problem of how external discrete
nuggets get mapped into internal mush. This is known as the *grinding
problem*. In our approach to the grinding problem, we extend our
previous work on the Dog Tomatogastric Ganglion (TGG). The TGG is an
oscillating circuit in the dog's motor cortex that controls muscles in
the dog's stomach that expel tomatoes and other non-dogfood items from
the dog's stomach. In our grinding network, we will have a similar set
up, using recurrent bark propagation to train the network to oscillate
in such a way that muscles in the dog's mouth will grind the nuggets
____________________
[1]Some suspect that Gonad may in fact be an agent of reactionary
forces whose mission is to destroy Dognitive Science by filibuster.
[2]Thus by a simple morphophonological process of reduplication, ex-
haustive arguments have been replaced by exhausting arguments.
[3]In this respect, Gonad's approach resembles that of Pinky and
Prince, whose exhausting treatment of the Past Fence Model, Rumblephart
and McNugget's connectionist model of dog escapism, has generated a sub-
field of Dognitive Science composed of people trying to answer their ar-
guments.
into the appropriate internal representation. This representation is
completely distributed. This is then transferred directly into the
dog's head, or Mush Room. Thus the thinking done by this
representation, like most modern distributed representations, is not
Bayesian, but Hazyian.
If Gonad is not satisfied by this model, we have an alternative
approach to this problem. We have come up with a connectionist model
that has a *finite* number of things that can be said about it. In order
to do this we had to revert to a localist model, suggesting there may be
some use for them after all. We will propose that all connectionist
researchers boycott distributed models until the wave of interest by the
philosophers passes. Then we may get back to doing science. Thus we
must bring out some strong arguments in favor of localist models. The
first is that they are much more biologically plausible than distributed
models, since *just like real neurons*, the units themselves are much
more complicated than those used in simple PDP nets. Second, just like
the neuroscientists do with horseradish peroxidase, we can label the units
in our network, a major advantage being that we have many more labels
than the neuroscientists have, so we can keep ahead of them. Third, we
don't have to learn any more than we did in AI 101, because we can use
all of the same representations.
As an example of the kind of model we think researchers should turn
their attention to, we are proposing the logical successor to Anderson &
Bower's HAM model, SPAM, for SPreading Activation Memory model. In this
model, nodes represent language of thought propositions. Because we are
doing Dog Modeling, we can restrict ourselves to at most 5 primitive
ACTS: eat, sleep, fight, play, make whoopee. The dog's sequence of
daily activities can then be simply modeled by connectivity that
sequences through these units, with habituation causing sequence
transitions. A fundamental problem here is, if the dog's brain can be
modeled by 5 units, *what is the rest of the dog's brain doing?* Some
have posited that localist networks need multiple copies of every neuron
for reliability purposes, since if the make whoopee unit was
traumatized, the dog would no longer be able to make whoopee. Thus
these researchers would posit that the rest of the dog's brain is simply
made up of copies of these five neurons. However, we believe we have a
more esthetically pleasing solution to this problem that simultaneously
solves the size mismatch problem. The problem is that distributed
connectionists, when discussing the reliability problem of localist
networks, have in mind the wimpy little neurons that distributed models
use. We predict that Dognitive neuroscientists, when they actually
look, will find only five neurons in the dog's brain - but they will be
*really big* neurons.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 14:03:18 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Can we retake that, maury?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
On 60 Minutes last night (paraphrased), Richard Nixon said, "If I were
the president right now, I'd have the CIA put a contract out on Hussein...
that is, if they still did that sort of thing... assuming they ever did."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 16:57 EST
From: * <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:MARTIN@SCRANTON>
Subject: conspiracy
To: SPAF
In Editorial Pointers on page 5 of the April 1991 Communications of the ACM, it
is stated that
"We are in the process of adjusting the content and "look and feel"
of the magazine to more effectively speak to the large, diverse,
international readership that now conspires the professional computing
community."
Since being a computer professional is now a conspiracy, does that disqualify
us from Star Wars research?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 91 10:39:08 EDT
From: reid@ctc.contel.com (Tom Reid x4505)
Subject: Fortune
To: spaf
> [Hmm, but no Wirth or Dijkstra cards yet. Maybe next year.... --spaf]
That has to be where our fortune comes from. If Wirth can get $50 per
autograph, then think of the market out there. You could have fallen
machines (Univac II), operating systems (RSX 11), languages (concurrent
pascal) series. Maybe greatest computer crimes, laboratories, projects,
vaporware, shelfware. And what about computer science trivia?
When do we start?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 91 13:04:23 PST
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: Life's like that (not funny, but strange)
To: spaf
New Heart Disease Study Issued
BOSTON (AP)
Completely eliminating heart disease, the nation's leading killer,
would increase the average 35-year-old American's life span by just
three years, a new study concludes.
Although the gain in longevity may seem surprisingly small, the
finding reflects the difficulty of pushing back the boundaries of old
age, the researchers said.
Even if people escape the No. 1 killer, a host of other ailments
are likely to take its place as people reach their 80s and beyond.
"If you wipe out heart disease, people don't live forever," said
Dr. Lee Goldman, a co-author of the study. "It is the leading killer,
but there are other things people die from," such as cancer,
pneumonia and strokes.
Similar analyses of cancer have concluded that life expectancy
would increase about two years if that disease were conquered.
Heart disease kills about 500,000 Americans annually.
The average life span in the United States has risen from 47 in
1900 to 75 today.
The latest study was based on a computer program developed by
Goldman of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and Dr. Milton C.
Weinstein of Harvard School of Public Health. The study's principal
author was Dr. Joel Tsevat of Boston's Beth Israel Hospital. It was
published in the April issue of the journal Circulation.
In an accompanying editorial, Dr. Robert M. Kaplan of the
University of California at San Diego called the study "well
executed, well reported and very provocative."
The study asks such questions as: What if all Americans got their
cholesterol levels below 200? What if everyone stopped smoking?
The computer simulation concludes that achieving such major public
health goals add only a year or so to the average life span.
However, the authors point out that even though average increases
are small, the gains for individuals can be dramatic, especially if
healthier habits prevent occasional deaths from heart attacks at age
40 or 50.
Among the findings:
For the average man who turned 35 last year, getting blood
pressure under control will add one year of life. Getting cholesterol
under 200 increases longevity by eight months, eliminating smoking
adds 10 months and getting weight down to the ideal level adds seven
months.
For a woman, blood pressure control adds 5 months of life,
cholesterol lowering 10 months, smoking cessation eight months and
weight loss five months.
Individuals who already have one of these risk factors benefit
more from eliminating them. For instance, a 35-year-old man who
reduces his cholesterol from 250 to 200 gains one year of life. If he
reduces his weight by 30 percent to the ideal level, he gains another
year.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1991 23:50:55 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: More stupid crook stories
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
There was a guy in Baltimore who robbed a bank two blocks from his house. It
was early morning and there was new-fallen snow on the ground. His footprints
led right to his front doorstep.
============
In Louisiana a while back, a couple of fugitives were travelling down
U.S. 190 when they stopped at Troop K State Police Headquarters.
They thought it was a motel and were looking for a room.
There was one available :-)
============
Crook robs a bank. Teller asks him to fill out a receipt for the
money. He does, and later is arrested. He can't figure out how he was
caught.
============
A husband and wife team robbed a grocery store. On the way out, she notices
a a clear plastic bin ( empty ) for a grand prize drawing. She
filled out an entry blank and dropped it in. They were quickly
arrested.
============
I read this in a local paper: A robber wearing 4 inch high platform shoes
robbed a Little Caesar's pizza joint. He escaped on foot. The
police found a man answering the description of the thief lying
unconscious on the sidwalk less than half a block from the scene
of the crime. While running away, the robber had tripped on his own
shoes and knocked himself out. Worse, while he was out, evidently somebody
relieved him of the proceeds of the crime.
============
A pair of burglars broke into a house that was bagged for termite spraying,
and were overcome by the gas. Stupidity _was_ a capital offense.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 11:26:51 EDT
From: One of correspondants
Subject: New CS Curriculum
To: "Spaf, the Magnificent!" <spaf>
[The following was sent to me by a colleague stuck in a miserable
department at a well-known university. He was asked to help develop
and teach CS courses there, and it turned out to be pretty awful.
I think the following is very funny, but I've removed his name and the
name of the institution to prevent any problems for him if this should
be seen by someone at that institution. His intro follows. --spaf]
Spaf: Greetings! I am not sure whether this new computer science
curriculum which I designed for <univ> is appropriate for the
YUCKS digest. It contains a lot of inside jokes, like
the fact that so much of our computer budget went for
chairs and the fact that I was asked to lug computers to
the repair shop. I think you'll enjoy it even if you
don't share it. I have resigned my job and am returning
to my previous school. -- disgruntled prof
====================================================================
WELL KNOWN UNIVER$ITY
DEPARTMENT OF $TATI$TIC$
Computer Science Course Offerings
1991
(revised)
STAT 129. Variables and Constants
This course covers the declaration and use of variables and
constants in a high level programming language, such as Pascal.
Advanced students may be asked to type in actual variables and
constants into a Pascal program using a text editor. Prerequisite:
student must be capable of causing fog to appear on mirror placed
beneath nose.
STAT 130. Readln and Writeln
The syntax and semantics of the Pascal Readln and Writeln
statements. The processes of reading in and writing out.
Philosophical implications of reading in and writing out.
Demonstrations of actual programs that read in and write out.
Prerequisite: STAT 129.
STAT 131. Variables, Constants, Readln and Writeln
Applying the spiral approach to Computer Science pedagogy, this
course reviews variables, constants, reading in and writing out.
Unfortunately, the spiral is supposed to spiral up, but we haven't
worked out the kinks yet. Prerequisite: STAT 130 and REL 176
(Patience and Perseverance).
STAT 132. Indiscrete Mathematics
Starting with a discussion of linear programming, this course then
discusses the following optimization problem: Given a limited
amount of money budgeted for hardware and software, how can one
spend as little of that money as possible on actual hardware and
software without getting caught? Prerequisite: MATH 32 and BUS 180
(Business Ethics).
STAT 133. Disassembly Language
The fine art of constructing messages which contain negative
information. Such messages, which are sometimes considered to be
the special privilege of professors and deans who have lost all
interest in pedagogy and scholarly pursuits, have the peculiar
property that when provided as the answer to a question, they leave
the asker of that question more confused than before the question
was asked. For example:
Question: When will we get better equipment in the computer
lab?
Answer: Do you ever feel that the universe is a big, black
hole, collapsing into an abyss of meaninglessness?
Prerequisite: PC 101 (Intro to Political Communications)
STAT 134. Big-time Operator Systems
The principles of designing and implementing big-time operator
systems. The course is in two parts: handling subordinates and
handling superiors. (A professor who thought the course should have
a third component - handling equals - was dismissed.) Actual
techniques for humiliating subordinates and stripping them of their
dignity are taught and practiced. Egg-sucking and other techniques
for dealing with superiors are introduced in the second part of the
course. Warning: bring your own toilet paper. Noses can get pretty
dirty during the second part of the course. Prerequisite: STAT 133.
STAT 135. C
The letter 'C' is very important. It is better than the letter 'X'.
The history and uses of the letter 'C' are discussed in some
detail. Students are asked to replace all occurrences of the letter
X in a Pascal program with the letter C. Prerequisite: STAT 129.
STAT 136. Unix
Unix have been a part of palace life, especially in the middle
east, since ancient times. The history and theory behind unix will
be discussed. An explanation will be given for why unix have high
voices and why the pasha trusts his unix. In lab, students will
learn how to turn a young, enthusiastic, male junior faculty member
into a unix. Prerequisite: MED 101 (Introduction to Surgery).
STAT 137. Applications
Students learn the proper way to apply Preparation H to rectal
tissue. Warning: this course could be dangerous. The previous
instructor, in a live demonstration, applied too much Preparation
H and all that was left of him was his nose. Prerequisite: Parental
permission; medical exam.
STAT 138. Data Communications
The delicate art of lugging, shlepping and otherwise hauling broken
computers to the repair shop. Special techniques will be taught for
avoiding back injuries and hernias. The wonderful art of balancing
shlepping and kvetching will be explored and perfected. Students
are expected to carry a IBM PS/2 Model 50 system unit and color
monitor to Silver Spring on the Metro. Prerequisite: PED 101:
Weight Training.
STAT 142. Automata and Foul Languages
Automata are crude human beings who never consider the feelings and
concerns of those around them. Several classes of automata will be
studied, including finite automata (automata with small brains) and
push-down automata (automata who suppress their emotions). Every
class of automata is associated with a corresponding class of foul
languages. Chomsky's hierarchy of foul languages will be studied,
ranging from the mildly embarrassing to the blatantly obscene.
Advanced students will be taught head spinning and the art of
vomiting pea soup. Prerequisite: LAW 134 (Famous Obscenity Cases).
STAT 145. Compiler Design
Students will design an actual compiler using an Etch-A-Sketch.
Prerequisite: ART 123 (Doodling and dawdling).
STAT 146. Musical Chairs
Each student will be given a chair with twelve levers. Without any
handbook, students are to figure out what each lever is used for.
A student who does not have a chair when the music stops is in deep
doo-doo. Prerequisite: MUS 1.
STAT 147. Artificial Computers
Few people realize that sophisticated workstations can be emulated
using common household objects, such as forks, bread baskets and
toilet seats. Students will emulate a SUN SPARC-3 workstation using
a shoelace. Prerequisite: ENGL 124 (Alchemy in Ancient Folklore).
STAT 148. Observing and Watching Database Systems
Based upon the pedagogical profundity enunciated by Yogi Berra,
"You can observe a lot just by watching", this course involves
observing and watching an actual database management system which
is running on a computer in the School of Engineering. Students
enrolled in Columbian College will not be allowed to actually touch
the computer, since the computer belongs to the School of
Engineering, but they will be allowed to observe and watch and take
notes. Prerequisite: PSC 134 (Territoriality and Nationalism).
STAT 149. Simulation
This course used to have a big enrollment because of a typo which
listed the course in the university bulletin as "Stimulation".
Actually, there is nothing stimulating about this course. Most of
the course is devoted to how to simulate a real computer science
program using smoke and mirrors. Students must view and write a
detailed commentary on the film, "The Wizard of Oz". Prerequisite:
BSC 134 (Deception: Its Evolutionary Origins).
STAT 150. Practicum in Computer Unethics
This course teaches students how to commit computer crimes, how to
create viruses and worms and how to create software that couldn't
possibly work. Students learn how to make outrageous claims for
computers and their capabilities. Students learn from the masters
of deception, namely the AI gurus, how to make complete fools of
themselves. This course includes a field trip to Lorton
penitentiary that lasts from 5 to 30 years with time off for good
behavior. Prerequisite: STAT 149.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 13:35:28 EDT
From: The Gillrocker <pcrossma@hal.ulowell.edu>
Subject: Pamela Smart Joke
To: Yucks-request
I have a friend who got an amusing fax the other day...
It read;
SAVE PAMELA SMART!!! My brother needs a date for the Junior Prom.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1991 20:59:00 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Shaggy dog...er... gorilla story
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
[Drag this out into a 10 or 15 minute story to really antagonize your
audience. Just don't tell it to green gorillas. And don't ask why
archeologists are searching for new gorilla species. --spaf]
Once there were these two (2) archeologists who had experienced most of the
world's excitement (as far as archeology goes). However, there was one
item of interest they had not yet discovered. It was rumor, mostly. It
was the Green Gorilla. After some research, they took off in a plane
from New York City for Africa. Landing in a major city, they asked
of the natives if he had heard of the green gorilla. He said yes, and
could give them directions, only if they promised that if, by some
chance they found the green gorilla, not to touch it. They agreed and
drove off to another, more remote town.
Upon arriving, they asked a native if she had heard of the green
gorilla. She said yes, and could give them directions to a supposed
hidden village, if they promised not to touch the green gorilla if
they found it. They agreed and headed out. After some walking
they found the village, and, after asking a villager, were given
directions to it's habitat only after swearing they would not touch
the green gorilla if they were lucky enough to find it.
Well, believe it or not, our 2 archeologists actually came across a
clearing, and sure enough there sat the green gorilla. It seemed to
be asleep. In the shock and the excitement of actually finding it,
one of the archeologists must have forgotten his promises, for he
walked up and touched the green gorilla.
Words alone could not describe the result. The green gorilla awoke
and roared in anger. Immediately the 2 archeologists started to run,
but the green gorilla followed, leaving destruction in it's path!
They managed to make it back to the village, found their truck and
started to drive away. They thought they were safe, but as they
looked behind them the gorilla was keeping chase (not leaving much
of the village standing)! They made it back to the city, the green
gorilla still in pursuit, drove to the airport, found their plane and
tried to make an emergency take-off. Just as they got their plane off
the ground the green gorilla grabbed hold of the tail and hung on!
They thought they could shake it off, but the green gorilla would not
let go and worse yet, was slowly making it's way to the front of the
plane! They landed back in New York City and ran for cover, the green
gorilla right behind leaving a wreck trucks, planes--whatever got in
it's way!
They ran to the air traffic tower (the only safe looking ediface).
Their hopes of safety were soon lost when green gorilla came crashing
through the wall! They went up to the top, still being chased. Once
there they realized they were trapped. The green gorilla continued his
stalk, tearing equipment out of the wall and floor in his frenzy. As
the two huddled in the corner afraid for their lives, the green gorilla
got closer. As the end neared, the green gorilla lifted one of it's
mighty arms, reached out and touched the archeologist saying
"Tag. You're it!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 10:48:35 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sichuan-style dumplings
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From the Guardian, 30.3.91, bylined Reuters in Beijing:
A restaurant in China has been exposed for serving dumplings stuffed with
human flesh which proved to be a hit with unwitting customers.
Wang Guang offered them in his White Temple restaurant from 1987, according
to the Hainan Special Zone Daily. His brother Hui, a crematorium worker,
supplied him with flesh hacked from the buttocks and thighs of corpses, it
said.
"He ground them up, then mixed the flesh with lots of spices for fear that
customers would taste the difference," the newspaper said. "He billed them
as Sichuan-style dumplings."
The western province of Sichuan is famous for its spicy food. The location
of Wang's establishment was not given.
"The dumplings were very popular because they were cheap and delicious," the
report said. "The restaurant often sold out."
The restaurant made a profit of 30,000 yuan (3,061 pounds) in three years.
But in May last year, the parents of a young woman killed in a road
accident wanted to have a last look at her just as she was to be cremated.
On discovering that her buttocks had been removed, they called the police.
The newspaper did not say what happened to the brothers. Authorities were
debating how to charge them because Chinese law is silent on the desecration
of corpses, it said.
[Nothing like getting a little behind in their cooking, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1991 20:59:00 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Statistician joke
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
A man goes out one night and drinks bourbon and water. The next day
he has a terrible hangover. The next time he goes out drinking, he
drinks scotch and water. The next day he has a terrible hangover.
The third time he goes out drinking, he drinks vodka and water. The
next day he again has a terrible hangover. He relates his problems
to a statistician who promptly advises him that the cause of his
problems is clear. Stop drinking water!
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------