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Yucks Digest V1 #19

Yucks Digest                Tue, 12 Feb 91       Volume 1 : Issue  19 

Today's Topics:
                         A jester's tale...#4
                   A joke my father always liked...
                    APPLE sues itself -film at 11.
                        Imperial measurements
                              Life  6.4
                          Looking for Elvis
                    not funny, but sort of bizarre
                  OLDEST JOKES in the WORLD, part 1

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 7 Feb 91 16:06:34 GMT
From: hadjiyi@cat49.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis)
Subject: A jester's tale...#4
Newsgroups: rec.humor

From: era@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Ed Arnold)
Subject: Insurance Companies

Those of you who are not employed by insurance companies, may find the
following amusing.  It appeared in an issue of the Colorado Bar Journal,
and is posted with permission of the author.
----------
>From THE WOOL-SACK
by Christopher R. Brauchli

But if the while I think
on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.
Shakespeare, Sonnet 30
(Not written to an insurance company.)

Last year closed out with good news for your friend and mine, THE
INSURANCE COMPANY.  Until recently, all we heard was the sound made by
companies being crunched by devastating lawsuits brought by injured
persons aided by my avaricious colleagues.

So upset was one company that it began paying for advertisements in
newspapers around the country to marshal opposition to what it called
"lawsuit abuse."  Although not stated in the ad I saw, implicit was
the notion that, if we would quit dreaming up lawsuits, people and
insurance companies would be better off.  As a result of a recent
court decision, one kind of case will no longer cost the insurance
company any money.  That will make the insurance companies very happy.

Before I tell you about that case, however, let me tell you about
something else that makes insurance companies very happy - income
taxes.*1  I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that if income
taxes make insurance companies happy, it must be because they earn the
same amount of money your Aunt Minnibelle earns, and she likes income
taxes because she never has to pay them.  If you think that, consider
this.

In 1986, fifteen insurance companies paid no federal income taxes.
Nonetheless, among the fifteen, the one with the lowest net income
(Ohio Casualty Insurance) had a net income of more than $139 million
and the one with the highest net income (State Farm) had a net income
in excess of $1.6 billion.  In 1987, State Farm's net income jumped by
an additional billion and it paid a half million in federal taxes.
Your Aunt Minnibelle would be tickled pink if she had that kind of
income and those kinds of taxes.  So, for that matter, would I.

But I digress.  Here is what was added to the insurance companies'
federal income taxes to bring them joy during the recent holiday
season - Andino v. Dupont Plaza Hotel.  Not being a reported
case, this is probably one of the few places you can read about it.
It is nonetheless of some significance, since it establishes
conclusively that there is at least one area of the law that is not
developing.

Juanita Andino was injured in the 1986 fire at the Dupont Plaza Hotel
that killed ninety-seven people.  A suit was brought against the hotel
on account of her injuries.  One of the plaintiffs (if not the only one)
was Juanita's husband, Valeriano.

The complaint alleged that as a result of injuries Juanita sustained in
the fire, she was "unable to perform her duties as a spouse."  In
addition it was alleged that Valeriano had suffered a loss of income to
the marital partnership because of Juanita's lost earnings.  Here is
why the insurance companies are happy.

The judge threw the lawsuit out and fined each of the lawyers who
brought the lawsuit $5,000.*2  He did that because Mr. Andino, who the
lawsuit alleged suffered from his wife's inability to perform her
duties as a spouse and suffered loss of income to the marital
partnership, was dead.  Not only was he dead, he had been dead for 12
years before the fire occurred.  The judge ruled that, in order to
recover damages for an injury, the plaintiff must be alive at the time
of the injury is alleged to have occurred.  Imagine that!

Now, in addition to the pleasure they receive from tax laws, which are
kinder to them than to you and me, insurance companies need no longer
live in fear that the graveyard is the home of potential plaintiffs.
The Andino case stands for the proposition that people who lie
moldering in graves may, in some parts of this country, still exercise
the right to vote.  They do not as they lie in repose, however, have
standing to sue.*3

NOTES

*1      For this bit of information I am indebted to John Salmon, who
	published it in ads in the Denver media.  He thought the public
	should be aware of the full extent of hardships suffered by
	insurance companies.
*2      One of the lawyers was Melvin Belli.  He is fondly remembered
	in Colorado for his kind remarks about the Colorado Trial Lawyers'
	Association.  He made those remarks after leaders of CTLA
	suggested that Belli's trip to Bhopal, India, to represent
	what, when he left, were best described as "Unknown Plaintiffs,"
	was not, ostensibly, propelled by eleemosynary engines.
*3	Contrary to the opinion of some wag I know, this case does not
	stand for the proposition that the object of a necrophiliac's
	attention cannot recover damages if a necrophiliac sustains
	injuries.  This case has nothing to do with necrophilia.  It has
	to do with sloppy lawyering.

------------------------------

Date: 11 Feb 91 17:56:48 GMT
From: shefter-bret@yale.UUCP (Bret A. Shefter)
Subject: A joke my father always liked...
Newsgroups: rec.humor

			The story of the enchanted frog
			===============================

	It seems this fairly succcessful businessman in his early 30's was
getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in
a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find
the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.
	So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the
sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the per-
fect pet for you, sir," disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with
a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a
dog or a cat, discovers a frog.
	"A frog?" he asks disbelievingly.
	"Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll
be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it
does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week
for a full refund."
	Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under
his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes
the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing
special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings
it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say,
	"Excuse me."
	He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five
floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks
anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then
shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again,
	"Pardon me."
	The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the
frog?
	"Yes, over here."
	Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.
	"I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini,
there."
	The man is confused. "You...you talk?"
	The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I
just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one
exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--"
	The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"
	The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people
are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be
different."
	Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right
away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they
both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch week-
end tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog
into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen,
selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humour-
ous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog
is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.
	Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in
its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights
out the frog discreetly clears its throat.
	"I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind
very much..."
	"What is it?" the man asks.
	"Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so
many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't feel
right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly just sleep
on the pillow next to you?"
	Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts
the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night,
turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears
another discreet cough.
	"Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't
think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses.
	The man sighs. "What do you want?"
	The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown
accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night, before."
	The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you
are, you're still a frog."
	The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little
peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."
	Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful
addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt
that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses
the frog...
	<<< POOF!! >>
	When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stun-
ningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling
blissfully up at him.

	"And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."

------------------------------

Date: 9 Feb 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: Lowry@sapsucker.scrc.symbolics.com (David Lowry)
Subject: APPLE sues itself -film at 11.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Another organically grown entry for rec.humus.  Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation.  The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.

 An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke.  If we don't protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right.  So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves."  The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit.  Apple's in house lawyers will defend.

 Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers.  "In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality."  

 The industry will be sure to watch this case closely.  If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface.  Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market.  Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.

------------------------------

Date: 14 Feb 90 17:16:16 GMT
From: bnrgate!bnr-fos!bmers58!pdbain@uunet.uu.net  (Peter Bain)
Subject: Imperial measurements

There is a story about a software contractor who was hired to write
code to calculate range tables for the US Navy.  They used feet for
altitude and statute miles for range.  "No! We're the Navy.  Use
NAUTICAL miles!" the Navy said.  So the contractor changed the code to
use nautical miles for the range.  And negative fathoms for the altitude.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 9 Feb 1991 17:14:55 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Life  6.4
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

This was in a letter from a friend of mine who works at XXXX.  I thought it
would be a good example of what feature interaction can actually do. . .

A particularly insidious kind of sales call now appearing in several cities is
one which is initiated by computer, and contains recorded questions by some
mellifluous voice that requires answers in simple digits or "yes" and "no". A
voice recognition circuit then processes your answers and asks further
questions based on your former answers.  The sales pitch is usually disguised
as a survey of some kind.  The despicable thing about these things is that they
won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.

One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it
consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest
idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless
loop, as follows:

[PHONE] *RING*

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.  BEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey
... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly.  I
will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.  First, what is your phone
number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was
a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.  Is
that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------  BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half
an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she
discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000
years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called
again.

------------------------------

Date: 7 Feb 91 07:00:34 GMT
From: swostal@nmsu.edu (stephen wostal)
Subject: Looking for Elvis
Newsgroups: alt.personals,soc.net-people

[ A sequence of silliness got started when someone posted a "Is Elvis
out there on the net" message to these newsgroups.  This is one of the
better followups.  --spaf]

Just to make sure that everyone has the records straight, Elvis is
here at NMSU teaching PSY 459/PHYS 107 :  The Physics of Motion.  He's
not a bad professor, but I wish he wouldn't make us call him 'The
King' in the classroom.

Gotta study,
Steve

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 10 Feb 91 18:42:42 PST
From: From a correspondant
Subject: not funny, but sort of bizarre
To: spaf

Fourteen men listed as dead on Vietnam memorial are alive

   WASHINGTON, Feb 10 (AFP) - Fourteen men among the 58,175 names
carved in the black granite Vietnam memorial of those who died in the
war are alive, according to Defense Department records.
   "It's a very sobering thing," said veteran Andrew Hilden. "But I
guess we have been able to laugh about it -- that we've got a walking
dead man around."
   The Pentagon has publicly acknowledged three of the 14 names
listed by mistake.
   "It's 99.9 per cent accurate," said Jan Scruggs, head of the
Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund, which paid for the V-shaped wall
memorial and helps maintain it.
  The names appear on the wall because a government clerk typed a
wrong number into a computer. The names can never be erased from the
wall, but all 14 computer records have been corrected.
   Veteran Eugene Toni said he visited the wall last year and found
his name while looking for the name of an uncle he never met.
   "It was kind of scary," he said. "It's like seeing your name on a
gravestone."

------------------------------

Date: 5 Feb 91 06:01:04 GMT
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu (Messiah of the Accursed)
Subject: OLDEST JOKES in the WORLD, part 1
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor

	A noble with the head of an ibis-bird enters an establishment
a few leaugues north of Heliopolis, wherein beverages are commonly
served, and requests of the shaven slave therein beer, made red with
the red ocher mud from the banks of the Nile.  The crafty slave,
seeing an opportunity to have an easy profit at the noble's expense,
serves the beer and names as his price three talents of barley.  The
ibis-headed one blinks in surprise but calls in his slaves with sacks
of barley to pay the requested sum, and drinks his beer.  The serving
slave, gleeful, but unable to restrain his curiousity, remarks that a
manifestation of the god Thoth has not passed that way since ancient
times.  The ibis-headed god (for it is indeed he) suggests that he
might be inclined to manifest himself more frequently in that locale
were not the price of beer in the province so high.

[Translated from a manuscript dated 2274 B.C.]

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------