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Yucks Digest V1 #11

Yucks Digest                Sun, 27 Jan 91       Volume 1 : Issue  11 

Today's Topics:
                          fashion statements
                    News of the Weird Asian style
                           New World Order
                              Saddam Day
                             Snow Wars...

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

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Date: Fri, 25 Jan 91 15:21:33 PST
From: lsc@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: fashion statements

Forwarding compressed...

Subj:	Sometimes a tie is just a tie

FEMALE BOSS BANS NECKTIES AS PHALLIC SYMBOLS

 -- The Sraits Times, 29-Aug-1990, Singapore.

Hanover (West Germany) -- Male civil servants in a West German office are
hot under the collar after their female boss banned neckties as phallic
symbols.

The order has sparked a knotty sexism row in the State Culture Ministry in
the northern state of Lower Saxony.

"I want to know...if bureaucrats wearing ties will be prosecuted as sexual
exhibitionists," former culture minister Horst Horrmann said in a written
question to the state legislature.

His successor, Ms Helga Schuchard, has apparently ordered male employees in
her ministry to end the centuries-old fashion.

Her spokesman confirmed that the minister twice told staff not to wear
ties, but this was because of a mid-summer heat wave.

"However, the word phallus may have come up," the spokesman said.

The Bild newspaper quoted sex researcher Volker Zimmermann yesterday as
saying:  "A tie is a sign of strength and masculinity."

Mr Peter Spoor, a police inspector, was cynical:  "The woman should ask
herself if she should keep buying bananas.  They are phallic symbols, too."
- - --Rueter.

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Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 09:22:52 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: News of the Weird Asian style
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU

LOVE ACCIDENT IN CHIANGMAI

She bit her lover during kissing.  At 2300 hrs. on Oct. 13 1990 Pol Lt.
Yongyoot Ong-art of Chiangmai police station was told by Mr. Somsak
Chua-obchuei age 27 years, address at 339/16 Sukumvit Rd. 55, Prakanong,
Bangkok, Thailand that he was bitten on his tongue by Miss Boi and then
she tried to hurt him with a very sharp broken bottle.

He gave more details that he came to visit Chiangmai from Bangkok and
stayed at Lai Thai Guest House, Kotchasarn Rd.  On the evening of Oct. 13
1990 he visited the police day exhibition at Tarpae Gate and during
visiting the exhibition he met Miss Boi there.  He invited her to have
dinner with him in a restaurant and both of them got drunk, then Miss Boi
asked him to spend the night with her at her room in a dormitory opposite
Maeping Hotel.

In the room he had a Hall's toffee in his mouth, and gave one to his girl
then he asked her to exchange the toffees to each other by mouth.  During
changing the toffees kiss, she bit his tongue accidently.  It was very
painful and he did not want to kiss or to make love anymore. So he put on
his clothes and went away.  Miss Boi tried to apologize to him for what
she did and asked him to come back, but he refused.  So she tried to hurt
him with the sharp broken bottle in a fit of anger.  From Thai News date
Oct. 15, 1990.

BEWARE OF THESE MEN

Jakarta (JP): Women in Curug, West Java, were having sleepless nights last
week following reports that three young magicians were roaming the area by
night to satisfy their sexual desires.

The men were reported to have the ability to hypnotize the entire family
whenever they wanted to have sex with anybody in the house.

The Sunday edition of Sinar Pagi daily reported that the trio was
operating in Kadu and Kadu Jaya villages causing grave concern for families
with teenaged daughters.

An eighteen-year-old high school girl identified only as Esr told the
newspaper that she fell victim to the trio when they roamed her village on
Dec. 28 last year.

The girl said she realized what had happened only after the men had
disappeared from the house.

Residents told the newspaper the trio might have been fulfilling a mystic
obligation commonly required of people who want to become magic healers.

Curug police investigators have vowed to capture the men but no progress
has been made since the issue was brought to their attendtion.

Meanwhile, a resident of Cirende, Rangkasbitung, West Java, has been
arrested for having sex with dozens of virgins after casting magic spells
on them, Sinar Pagi said.

The paper said that the man, identified only as TS, 52, was very popular
in his village as a magic healer and he made use of this to deceive young
girls into surrendering their virginity to him.

The paper said this practice had gone on for two years but it was stopped
only recently after a 13-year-old victim reported to the local authorities
that she had failed to receive millions of rupiah in fortune promised by
the magic healer.

She also complained that the man's promise that she would, ina matter of
days, marry a billionaire had not come true.

The newspaper said the self-acclaimed magic healer had also deceived young
housewives who sought his help for more wealth.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Jan 91 14:40:08 -0500
From: Steve Elias <eli@PWS.BULL.COM>
Subject: New World Order
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us

after the War is Over, the New World Order will be:

4 billion Big Macs
3 billion Large Fries
1 billion Onion Rings
4 billion Medium Pepsi Colas
2 billion of those neato lemon meringue pie slices

"is that for here or to go?"

/eli

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Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 12:11:10 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Saddam Day

Baghdad residents are eagerly looking forward to the first few days of
February.  They will gather around what is left of the Presidential
Palace to see if their leader emerges from his bunker.  Unfortunately,
predicitions are he will see his shadow and return, bringing 6 more
weeks of bombing.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 15:00:12 EST
From: someone
Subject: Snow Wars...
To: spaf

>From Josh Freed Columm, The Gazette, Montreal, Jan 26 1991

As Canadian soldiers settle into the Gulf, many of
us on the home front are hunkering down into bunkers of our own.

Dressed in goosedown jackets and woolen face masks, armed with shovels, 
scrapers and jumper cables, we face grim battle conditions that would
send many nations fleeing their homeland.

It is the start of Operation Winter Storm, as the Canadian cold front
moves in.

By day, Montrealers avoid outdoors entirely, moving from heated home to
heated office by heated car; downtown residents live entirely below ground,
in a subterranean city that rivals Saddam Hussein's bomb proof center.

By night, convoys of snowblowers lay siege to the streets. They are the 
Warthogs of the snow-cleaning world, backed up by Wild Weasel sidewalk snow
cleaners that run down anyone in sight.

In the distance, eerie sirens sound waking panic-stricken Montrealers at
all hours of the night.

In other cities, sirens send people fleeing indoors; only here do we flee 
outdoors, desperate to get our cars to cover before they are hauled away.

I can already hear a shrill CNN reporter on St Catherine Street shrouded
in an artic parka and face mask:

REPORTER: "I'm standing here in the deserted town of Montreal where the
sirens are going again Ted...If my voice is a little muffled it is because I 
am wearing a protective ski mask and a hooded parka...Also I have a bad cold.

"Wait!...There is a woman actually out in this storm...Excuse me madame...
MADAME ...what are you doing out here in this blizzard. Can't you hear the
sirens?"

WOMAN:"Well, I'm just getting some milk for the kids."

REPORTER: "Astonishing, Ted, this brave Canadian came out to find milk 
for her child in this freezing blizzard. Absolutly INCREDIBLE courage..
as CNN's coverage continues..LIVE from the deserted streets of Montreal,
where Operation WINTER STORM continues."

In cities like Miami, two inches of snow knock the population out of
action for weeks. Yet winter-hardened Montrealers brush off 14-inch
snowfalls like lint, confident their streets will be cleared by
morning.

Montreal may be a Third World city when it comes to potholes and power 
blackouts- but we are the NASA rocket centre of the snow removal world:
the idiot savant of winter technology.

As the Gulf war continues, why not put our strange expertise to work?
If Canada must be dragged to war, why send aging battleships that are pale
imitation of the US arsenal of death? Why not develop more effective, humane
weapons with the technology Canadians know best?

Forget Tomawahawk missiles and Apache helicopters: let's send winter to
Iraq.

PHASE 1:SNOW WARS

Anyone who's skied in the Laurentians knows that one snow-making
machine can transform an idylic green mountain into a hellish, white
blizzard.  Why not blitz Iraq with: Snow-maker Missiles: Carrying
explosive "winterheads" they would scatter snow, sleet and hail,
bringing the fury of Canadian winter to Saddam's door:
40-mile-per-hour winds that whip your face and blind you. Howling ice
storms that freeze fingers and flesh in seconds.  Snow storms that
bury cars and tanks so deep no one can find them.

Enemy troops would soon be soaked to the bone, suffering hideous winter
flu viruses that would sideline them for weeks.

*The Skid Missile*: Plunging temperatures down to -60, this weapon would
turn the Iraqui sand into a desert of ice. Without snow tires, Iraqui tanks
would be spinning in circles, as helpless as motorists on the Eastern 
Townships Highway.

There'd be 20-car collissions from Baghdad to Kuwait city.

Sure, their tanks have anti-aircraft guns, but what about windshield
wiper fluid? Rear defrosters? Ice scrapers and block heaters? Without
a Canadian Tire outlet in Baghdad, tank windows would frost over and
batteries would freeze up. The nearest set of jumper cables is
probably in Vladivostok.

How would Iraqui soldiers even get into their tanks without access to the 
Canadian Patriot missiles of winter warfare: lock de-icer?

PHASE 2: OPERATION DESERT SNEEZE

After softening up the enemy with our cold-air campaign, the land battle
could start.

CF-15 Snowplows would move in, burying concealed Iraqui tanks in their bunkers
under snowdrifts so deep a CAA emergency towtruck couldn't get them out.

Brigades of Desert Onions could close in on the few tanks that escaped, 
"booting" and towing them off to distant lots, where they would be slapped
with vicious parking tickets.

Canadians on snowmobiles and snowshoes could mop up, routing freezing 
Iraqui soldiers who probably don't even have a decent pair of longjohns,
let alone the Lifa underwear, aluminium socks and Goretex shells Ste
Adele skiers take for granted.

Their ears white, their toes numb, their sinuses blocked, demoralized
enemy troops would be giving up in hours, desperate for relief
supplies of Neo-Citran and chicken soup.

Why send Canadian troops to fight Iraqui turf when we can send our
turf to them, conditions every Montrealer has been fighting in since
he threw his first snowball:

Rain, sleet, snow and hail. Frost, slush,wind and wind-chill factor.
War, Canadian-style.

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End of Yucks Digest
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