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Yucks Digest V1 #8
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #8
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Mon, 21 Jan 91 03:50:45 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Mon, 21 Jan 91 Volume 1 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
A pretty good definition of "friends"...
Differences between Canada and the U.S.
Help needed from language humorists
Life in the BU Computer Graphics Lab
Satan! Satan! Satan!
Signature line of the week (nay, the year...)
Some British humor
the pizza factor, again
Would you like some soap?
yuck-yuck
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
**********************************************************************
Date: 19 Jan 91 11:30:04 GMT
From: tatlow@dash.dlb5.dec.com (Tom Tatlow)
Subject: A pretty good definition of "friends"...
From an textbook on object-oriented programming discussing
encapsulation--the hiding of details of an implementation:
(...) C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility
of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members
may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a
class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to
all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully
encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are
visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also
supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are
permitted to see each other's private parts.
-Grady Booch
"Object Oriented Design with Applications"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 91 13:13:12 EST
From: someone
Subject: Differences between Canada and the U.S.
To: spaf
I found the following article on canadian-american differences
very amusing but a little bit too long, so I replaced some
paragraphs by dots.
>From the Josh Freed's column,
The Gazette, Montreal, Saturday, Jan 12 1991.
****************************************************
THE ONLY THING THAT'S BIGGER IN CANADA IS TAXES
*****************************************************
....
As you head for Plattsburg to do your grocery shopping,
you may wonder what still distinguishes Canada from the United
States _ apart from higher prices and lower temperatures.
...
I recently returned from the States, where I was able to discern
several crucial distinctions between the two countries. These are
real differences between the U.S. and us.
* Everything in the United States is bigger: the cars, the malls,
the portions, the people. A small order of onion rings can feed a Montreal
family of four, a large portion can sustain all Snowdon for a week.
....
The only thing that's bigger in Canada is taxes.
*Life is more informal in the United States: Canadians call every adult male
"sir", from their high school teacher to their father. Americans call everyone
"buddy". They also call complete strangers by their first name, which they
always know because everyone wears name tags on their lapels.
Service is also more friendly there too, accompanied by those ever-cheerful
words:
"Hi! I'm Richard, your heart surgeon. I'll be doing your transplant today.
Have a good one."
....
*It is easier for most Americans to obtain a gun than medical care.
Every small U.S. town has three gunshops, where recreational hunters
can buy a machine gun for 5$ down, along with TWO FREE ROUNDS OF AMMO.
Everyone carries a gun _ border guards, subway guards, football guards.
Obtaining medical care is more difficult matter. Hospitals are plastered
with Visa and American Express ads and demand $1000 deposit before treating
you for cardiac arrest.
....
*Lifestyle: Everyone in the United States wears sneakers, from schoolgirls
to the president. This is mandatory under the American Federal Footwear Act.
Everyone must also drive a car. There are drive-in restaurants where you can
eat in your car, drive-in motels to sleep in your car and drive-in banks you
can rob by car.
.....
*National character: Canadians are shy, self-concious people who whisper in
elevators, subways and restaurants because we are embarrassed to have anyone
hear us.
....
Overall, Americans are a brash, confident people, always sure of themselves
whether going shopping or going to war. U.S. soldiers stationed in the Gulf
are certain that they are defending the values of their country _ because they
believe in America's "manifest destiny."
Our soldiers believe in Canada's "manifest uncertainty." They don't know
if there will be a country to defend by the time they get home.
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jan 91 18:39:54 GMT
From: lnds@obed.uucp (Mark Israel)
Subject: Help needed from language humorists
Originally from Richard Wexelblat (to appear in SIGPLAN Notices):
WHAT THEY SAY
-- WHAT THEY MEAN
PL/I is a very complete language.
-- Having learned all of PL/I, I'm damned if I'm going to learn
another language.
I can do everything I need to do in Fortran.
-- I slept through that course in control and data structures.
Ada provides an excellent basis for implementing command
and control systems for embedded applications.
-- I guess any standard is better than no standard at all.
Cobol satisfies all of our application programming requirements.
-- The IBM salesman told me that Cobol will satisfy all of our
application programming requirements.
Since you can simulate a Universal Turing Machine in Fortran
you can compute everything computable.
-- I'm not sure what a Universal Turing Machine is but I'm betting
that you don't know either.
At least an order of magnitude improvement will be achieved with
the optimize switch on.
-- Don't expect to do any real time systems with the validated
version of the compiler.
Prolog is programming in logic.
-- (Damned if I know.)
This program is written in standard FORTRAN 77 and should run on any
machine.
-- I've only tested it on my VAX. [Mark Israel]
Algol 68 is an ideal programming language because it avoids
arbitrary restrictions.
-- Efficiency in implementation is of no importance, because I
deserve an unlimited allocation of computer time. Anything
less would be an "arbitrary restriction". [Mark Israel]
Pascal is an excellent language for first year students.
-- I haven't been a first year student for a long, long time.
[Mark Israel]
C is the best programming language available.
-- The only languages I have on my home computer are Pascal,
BASIC, and C. [Mark Israel]
C is great because you can distinguish value arguments from
reference arguments just by looking at the statement where the
function is invoked.
-- I never use arrays. [Mark Israel]
I can program my applications in APL more conveniently than in
anything else.
-- Writing readable programs would adversely affect my
job security. [Mark Israel]
The advantage of LISP is the fact that programs and data are
equivalent.
-- I haven't changed my philosophy of programming since the 1960s
and still think that self-modifying code is the greatest thing
ever. [Mark Israel]
I don't know COBOL.
-- I know enough to know I don't want to know more about it.
[Stephen Samuel]
If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
-- I have NO idea how this code works. [Al Dunbar]
Some programmers just don't know how to write efficient code.
-- My machine has too small an address space and/or runs too slow.
[Stephen Samuel]
There's no real value to structured programming.
-- I still don't know how to do structured programming.
[Stephen Samuel]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 10:15:39 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Life in the BU Computer Graphics Lab
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Original piece by Steve Connelly. Some of the humor is "local" but
most, I think, is broad enough for all to enjoy.
My involvement with the scientific data visualization project of Drs.
Ravelo and El Batanouny project began unceremoniously several months ago. One
day I was in my office unpacking my take-out lunch from Beijing restaurant.
I had ordered a number two, but they were out, so they gave me two number
ones. "Hmm. What is number one? It looks like some kind of shredded flesh
in a brown sauce. Oh yes, Shredded Flesh in Brown Sauce! And what's this...
Tang Ho Duck Sauce. Ingredients: water, sugar, ducks...." That's when I
overheard Glenn and Laura in the hallway talking about a project involving the
videotaping of an animation of a physical simulation. The data had to be
transferred to our Unix system from the IBM mainframe running VPS, a huge
operating system written by our own department. My next encounter with the
project occurred soon afterward when Glenn unlocked my door, turned on the
lights, peered under my desk, and told me I was doing the project. He
explained it to me in great detail.
"...And make sure the file transfer utility converts the Ebcdic to
Ascii."
"Ebcdic?"
"Yes. That's the character set used on the VPS system."
"What do the letters in 'EBCDIC' stand for?"
"Ascii. 'ASCII' becomes 'EBCDIC' in the Ebcdic character set. Any
other questions?"
"Yes. Do we have a resume-quality laser printer?"
In computer graphics, all projects begin with the same preparatory
steps, regardless of the specific application. My first step is always
to ask Tim and Chris how to do the project. I found them working in our
terminal room. Tim was wearing headphones which were plugged into his CD
player. Shouting so he could hear me, I asked him if he could take off his
headphones so that I wouldn't have to shout. He took them off and music
blared all over the room. Now we were both shouting.
"Glenn told me to get VPS files onto videotape."
"VPS? You should've hid under your desk."
"I did, but he found me."
"Great. Now where are we gonna hide?"
"He didn't suspect anything. I told him I was flossing my toes, which
happened to be under my desk. So, can you tell me about VPS files?"
He insisted he knew nothing about VPS and couldn't even spell the name.
He put his headphones back on. I stepped over to Chris, who was wearing
headphones and screeching, "Rah-xanne. You don' haf to turn on dee red light."
His headphones were not plugged into anything. He saw me and took the
phones off.
"How are you today, Chris."
"Nominal."
"Why do you wear headphones?"
"Because when Tim takes his off, it's too loud in here."
"I see. Can you tell me about VPS files?"
Chris turned away, and put the headphones back on.
"Chris, don't make me shout."
"Raaaaaaah-xanne....."
"Chris, there's no music."
"....I can't hear you when I sing this song. Rah-xanne...."
I was trapped. I considered ending it all. I thought about pulling
my own head off but Glenn had already put on my graphics lab head harness,
a sort of football helmet with leather straps running under your arms.
I thought about eating five Taco Bell lampshade salads, and then waiting
while the mixture congealed in my stomach and then burst through my ribcage
as a slimy reptilean alien wearing a sombrero. No, too slow. I thought about
openly preaching teetotalism during a baseball game at Fenway Park.
No, too bloody.
I had no choice but to deal with the VPS files. The files were
about 60 megabytes a piece, and for some unknown reason they couldn't be
transferred correctly using the file transfer utility. I tried to ask Jason
if he could help me. He wasn't in his office. I checked his whereabouts on
the department-wide online locator, and learned that he had gone out to lunch
at 11:53am on November 11, 1982. I had no choice but to go down to the first
floor.
All the real VPS programmers are on the first floor so that they don't
hurt themselves when they jump out the window. I went to John's office,
opened the door, turned on the lights, peered under the desk, and told him
there was a bug in VPS. He started to shake, his eyes bulged, and his hair
stood straight up. His head turned purple and his veins stood out. He was
having a VPS-debugging flashback. His jugular vein couldn't stand the strain
and it burst open. A thin high-pressure stream of blood sailed across the
room. He slapped a yellow post-it note on his neck to stop the bleeding. He
screamed and jumped headfirst through the window. The new transparent
sun-blocking sheet wallpapered on the window didn't let it shatter as much as
usual, so only half of his body got through the window. I went over to his
terminal and updated his entry on the online locator: "In and out all day."
We ended up moving the research data onto tape and reading the tape
onto our own machine, using our own program to convert Ebcdic to Ascii.
I have a program that converts one-sixth of the Ebcdic character set to Ascii,
if anyone needs it.
Now that we could get the VPS files, I had to find alot of disk
space to store the enormous files on. I decided to borrow a disk pack
from a Vax in the Engineering Department. However, when I opened the drive,
the disk was spinning very fast, and it took off like a frisbee and flew out
the window. I ran outside and followed the flying disk. It landed at the
exitway from Fenway Park. I couldn't get to the disk because the game had
just ended and fans were walking over the disk. It was Cleet Night at Fenway.
The fans ended up kicking the disk onto the trolley tracks, where it was run
over several times. I got the disk and managed with some difficulty to fit it
back into the Vax's drive. That violent spinning was a real nuisance; I
sent a memo to Hillary suggesting that something was wrong with that disk.
It appeared that I would have to find room on our current disk
storage devices. I started moving files around and deleting unnecessary ones.
There were large files called 'Miss_June', 'Miss_July', etc. I couldn't
delete them; the lab takes its silicone graphics very seriously. I deleted a
large file called 'vmunix', a file named 'raises.pending', and several files
named 'help'. I deleted the directory 'Voyager/images/originals'. I looked
in 'CS101/assignment_1', which had subdirectories for each student. Upon
further investigation, I determined that each student was working on a
program, but all the programs were intended to do exactly the same thing!
I thought such redundancy was unnecessary, so I deleted all but one of the
programs. Then I deleted 'Giles/cold_fusion/formulas' and 'Fermat/proofs'.
In a few days we could read the data and turn it into pictures. Thus,
for the first time we were presented with visual confirmation of Ravelo's
molecular dynamics simulation of the Au(111) surface, research which would
eventually lead to ultra-cheap, molecule-sized computer memories. The research
is based upon the new non-linear technique called soliton theory, a theory
involving dots wiggling around, slowly changing from blue to red. We figured
the dots represented molecules on the Au(111) surface. I assumed that Au
stood for aluminum.
Laura mentioned that the dots should start out as an aquamarine color.
I said, "Dr. Ravelo wanted blue and red dots on a black background."
"Aqua will look blue on videotape."
"What should red be?"
"Yellow."
"Black?"
"Dark Gray."
Dr. Ravelo checked in and was pleased with our results. However,
he was uncertain about the dynamics that occurred during one particular
simulation. He called his co-researcher to discuss this. I eavesdropped, but
they were talking shop in a jargon all their own: NSF, DOE, blanket PO, CV
padding, honorarium, tenure track, INS, green card.... Molecular physics is
over my head.
Ravelo hung up the phone.
"Apparently, there is no problem. There is simply more volatility in
the surface of gold than I thought."
"Gold? No, this is the simulation of aluminum."
"No. Au(111). Au is gold."
I grabbed him in a headlock and rapped my knuckles painfully on the
top of his head.
"Hello? Anyone home? Earth to Ravelo? You're trying to make cheap
computer memory out of gold? Are you nuts?"
The project reached completion quite smoothly, I thought. All's well
that ends. There was a memorable moment of personal satisfaction, other than
getting the monthly update of the departmental organization chart and seeing
that I was still on it. At one point Dr. Ravelo explained that my program
should take certain actions when there was a particular relationship between
the x-coordinate and the y-coordinate. He wrote the relationship as it
appeared in his own Fortran program:
IF ((ODD(x) AND EVEN(y)) OR (ODD(y) AND EVEN(x)) THEN etc, etc.
He asked me if my language, C, had the functions ODD and EVEN, and I said no.
He had sympathy for me because I would have to write my own versions of
functions that already exist in Fortran. On his paper I wrote with a
flourish another version of that expression:
IF (x+y & 1) etc, etc. QED.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Jan 91 10:53:40 est
From: Eric Haines <eye!erich@uu.psi.com>
Subject: Letters to Lucasfilm Games
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
I recently received "The Adventurer", an advertising newspaper for Lucasfilm
Games. Here's a note in the Letters column:
I am returning "Zak McKracken [and the Alien Mindbenders]" because I
find it quite unsuitable. The excellent game playability and graphics
further compound the real problem: the game is saturated with New
Age/Satanism teachings and concepts, including Eastern religions,
meditation, magic, out-of-body experiences, mindlinking with animals,
teleportation, mental telepathy, and mind control by aliens.
I not only find these false teachings objectionable, but consider the
immersing of them in humor and presenting them as a game very
dangerous.
Rev. Merwin Updyke, Altoona, PA
Reply: But have you tried playing it backward? - Ed.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 91 17:31:50 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature line of the week (nay, the year...)
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
From: phil@brahms.amd.com (Phil Ngai)
Newsgroups: rec.video
< message deleted>
--
seifert@asylum.sf.ca.us is responsible for the Ethernet slide latch.
[ This refers to that very nasty and tempermental sliding latch for
thickwire Ethernet transceiver cables. --spaf ]
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jan 91 13:34:02 GMT
From: SWELTON@ESOC.BITNET
Subject: Some British humor
A recent survey into the readership of newspapers came up with the
following results.
THE TIMES is read by people who run the country.
THE MIRROR is read by the people who think they run the country.
THE GUARDIAN is read by the people who think they ought to run the
country.
THE DAILY MAIL is read by the wives of the people who run the country.
THE FINANCIAL TIMES is read by the people who own the country.
THE DAILY EXPRESS is read by the people who think that the country
should be run as it used to be.
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH is read by the people who believe it still is.
THE SUN is read by the people who don't care who runs the country as
long as she's got big tits.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 91 21:00:19 PST
From: a reader
Subject: the pizza factor, again
To: spaf
Pizza Orders Rise With Tension
SPRINGFIELD, Va. (AP)
For a quick read on the state of world affairs, one need only look
at pizza deliveries to the Pentagon, the White House and the CIA.
"The news media doesn't always know when something big is going to
happen because they're in bed, but our deliverers are out there at 2
in the morning," said Frank Meeks, owner of the 43 Domino's outlets
in the Washington area.
Since Jan. 7, late-night deliveries to the Pentagon have increased
steadily, from three to 20 Sunday night, he said. At the White House,
28 pizzas were delivered Sunday between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., Meeks
said.
Meeks said the demand for pizzas coincided with the build-up in
tensions as the deadline approached for Iraqi troops to withdraw from
Kuwait.
He said he has traced the trend through the invasions of Panama
and Grenada, the fall of Ferdinand Marcos in the Philippines and
previous Persian Gulf crises. In every case, pizza orders to the
three government buildings soared.
The one-night record for late-night deliveries at the CIA 21
pizzas was set Aug. 1, the night before Iraq invaded Kuwait, Meeks
said. However, deliveries after 10 p.m. have dropped since Jan. 9,
when they reached 15.
"That certainly doesn't indicate that we're not keeping busy," CIA
spokesman Mark Mansfield. "I want to make clear that we're working
very hard here."
------------------------------
Date: 20 Jan 91 07:01:14 GMT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Would you like some soap?
[ This struck me as very funny, because I had something like this
happen to me when I was in Australia. --spaf ]
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
other three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
ment is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assis-
tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic]. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Jan 1991 7:37:51 CST
From: George_Cross@qm.ctc.contel.com (George Cross)
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
Subject: Ad Age AT&T Ad Contest Winners
Date: 18 Jan 91 20:30:05 GMT
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there.
I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady,
we've got your kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM). Please
note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job
as part of their new work-release program. Let's get together and
talk about switching over."
-- Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I
know I'm talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a
recording -- of Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I
say, "AT&T never put me on hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had
a nasty infection like the one I got."
-- Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my
living room window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in
writing? You got it. Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where
you live."
-- Mary Hoppin, consumer services manager, Asian Sources
Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says "Paul, if you don#213#t switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb
your house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened
me like that." And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T."
-- Paul Gosselin, free-lance copywriter, Nashville
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 09:35:24 -0500
From: wmz@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Wayne M. Zage)
To: spafford
A recent presentation at Ball State on "Graphical Representation of
Probabilistic Dependency" reminded me of a story that I'd like
to share with you. In that presentation, we were reminded of the fact
that "p implies q" is logically equivalent to "not p or q".
On the old Chicago buses, one would often see the sign "NO SMOKING OR SPITTING"
posted near the front of the bus. A certain English mathematician, upon
observing this sign for the first time, proceeded to write to the Chicago
Transit Authority (CTA) that they were authorizing all smokers to spit and that what they really should post is "NO SMOKING AND NO SPITTING".
As far as I know, the CTA has not changed their display in the front of their
buses.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
******************************