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Yucks Digest V1 #6

Yucks Digest                Sat, 12 Jan 91       Volume 1 : Issue   6 

Today's Topics:
                       Adirondack fishin' tale
                               Baaaaah
                           Deadline Delayed
                         in the news (3 msgs)
                                 JOTD
                             Whale Watch
  Women against Hierarchical and Object-Oriented Programming (WHOOP)
                           yuck, yuck, yuck

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

**********************************************************************

Date: 5 Jan 91 11:15:02 GMT
From: jimcat@itsgw.rpi.edu (Jim Kasprzak)
Subject: Adirondack fishin' tale
 
 One day in the village of Lake George, Murray Campbell, the local
conservation officer, stops by Frieda's Diner for a cup of coffee.
In the parking lot he spies old Walter Shaw's pickup truck, so he
parks next to it, him and Walt being friends from way back. On his
way past the truck, he can't help noticing that there in the back
of Walt's truck, all lined up nose to tail, are thirty-three big
old lake trout. Now, that's a pretty good day's fishing around 
Lake George; it's also against the law, since the legal limit is
three per person.
 
 Well, folks up in the north country never were much for doing things
in a hurry, so Murray walks into the diner, says hello to Frieda,
sees Walt sitting at a stool by the counter, and goes over and sits
next to him. Murray takes off his conservation officer hat, orders 
a cup of coffee, and proceeds to start talking to Walt about the 
weather, family, what have you.
 
 Soon enough the talk turns to fishing, as it's likely to do in those
parts, and Murray clears his throat and says, "Y'know, Walt, I 
couldn't help but notice those thirty-three trout out there in the 
back of your truck. Now you know as well as I do that the legal 
limit is three, so unless you can do a pretty good job of explaining,
I'm gonna have to write you up for a violation."
 
 "Explainin'?" says Walt, indingnantly. "Why, I'll do ya better than
that. You come out fishin' with me tomorrow and I'll show you how
when I fish, I can't possibly come back with any _less_ than thirty
trout!"
 
 "Now, that'd be a neat trick, Walt," replies Murray. "You convince me 
that you can't catch less than thirty trout, and I'll let you off."
 
 So the next morning Murray gets up bright and early, goes down to 
the docks to where Walter Shaw keeps his boat, and the two of them
set off towards the middle of the lake. Walt takes them out to the 
good ninety-foot flats just past Dome Island and stops the boat dead
in the water, just as pretty as you please. Then he stoops down by 
the side of the boat, sticks a finger in the water, draws it out and
gives it a sniff. "Yep, looks good," he says, then puts his hand in 
the water again, scoops up a little bit of it, gives it a taste, and
proclaims, "Okay, this is the spot all right." Murray, meanwhile,
is just sitting back watching all this rigamarole and wondering what
on Earth Walt could be up to.
 
 Well, next thing you know, Walt opens up a box sitting next to his
seat, pulls out a half-stick of dynamite, lights the fuse with his
Zippo lighter, and tosses it in the water. BOOM! A huge fountain of
water shoots up into the air, drenches Walt and Murray, and a couple
of seconds later there's fish floating up to the surface, dozens of
them, left and right. And Walt's right there with his net flipping
them into the boat one by one.
 
 Murray is flabbergasted. "Walt!" he says when his friend finally 
gets done loading up the boat with fish. "What do you think you're
doing!? Now not only do I have to write you up a fish and game 
violation, I'm gonna have to report you for using explosives 
without a permit!"
 
 Walt doesn't say a word; he just reaches down into the box, pulls 
out another half-stick of dynamite, lights the fuse and sticks it 
in Murray's hand. He grins at Murray, and says, "So, you wanna talk,
or you wanna fish?"
 
-- 
 Jim Kasprzak          kasprzak@mts.rpi.edu (internet)
 RPI, Troy, NY         userfe0u@rpitsmts.bitnet
 "A spirit with a vision is a dream with a mission."  -Rush

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Jan 91 05:18:11 -0500
From: "Claudia Cloutier" <cmc@beach.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: Baaaaah

Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have 
finally discovered 2 new uses for sheep.

Meat and wool.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 11 Jan 91 14:55:57 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Deadline Delayed
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU

President Bush announced this morning a generous extension to the deadline
for Iraq to get out of Kuwait.  They now have until January 25.

In a separate announcement, NBC (who, as you may recall, bought the
television rights to the war last month, reputedly for $200 million for
the first 3 months and options on the rest) regretted the necessary delay
to the invasion.  Scheduling difficulties, and the remote location had
made it necessary to delay the opening ceremony until January 26.  NBC is
very excited about this opportunity to test out a full-day telecast of
hostilities.  If it is successful, they plan to run 8-10 hour coverage
every Saturday.

Television industry analysts think that instant replays and the 'scratchpad'
could add a new dimension to viewer enjoyment of this absorbing event.

------------------------------

Date: 6 Jan 91 00:59:50 GMT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: in the news

"Attempting to rob a bank, Gerald Rodgers handed a teller a note in
which he treatened to blow up the bank with a bum.  The bum, said the
note would 'go of whenever I won't it too, and I won't hesitate to kill
anybody starting with you first.'  The note warned bank personnel
against using 'markt money ... exsplosive rubber bands' and further
directed, 'And you get of out thing alive.  And whenever I leave act
like nothing happen or eles.'  Rodgers got away with $4550 -
temporarily.  It seems he had scribbled the note on one of his mother's
checks, from which he's cleverly scratched out her name but left her
account number."

From the 9 Feb. '87 New Yorker:

CONSTABULARY NOTES FROM ALL OVER [from the Arcata (Calif.) Union]

Tiffany's ice cream parlor alerted police to a person defacing the
statue of William McKinley on the Arcata Plaza.  Police apprehended a
suspect and released him with a warning not to stick cheese in
McKinley's ears and nose anymore.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 10 Jan 91 18:32:17 PST
Subject: in the news

     Pig Boasts A Mickey Mouse Spot
   MONTICELLO, Iowa (AP)
   This little piggy will not go to market, spared by its resemblance
to the world's most famous mouse.
   The 6-month-old pig, owned by Tom and Teresa Reuter of Monticello,
may soon find itself the property of Walt Disney World in Florida.
   A marking on the pig's right side bears three linked black spots
that resemble the silhouette of Mickey Mouse, Disney's most
recognizable cartoon character.
   "Our interest in the pig is beyond a passing interest," Disney
spokeswoman Pam Parks said Tuesday.
   Ms. Parks said if Disney buys the pig, it might live at the
Disney's Tri Circle D Ranch along with dozens of horses, goats and
farm animals.
   Or it could join Minnie Moo, a cow which has an outline of Mickey
Mouse's head on its side, at Grandma Duck's Petting Farm at Disney
World, where 23 million people visit each year, she said.
   Mrs. Reuter said their pig called Mickey Pig would bring about
$130 at market price. The Mickey Mouse marking saved it from
slaughter, she said.
   The couple, who raise about 1,200 hogs in western Iowa, said they
have a 1-month-old piglet that also bears a Mickey Mouse silhouette
on its side.
   "We've got the same sow and boar together out there now, so maybe
we'll be finding more Mickey piglets on the way," Mrs. Reuter said.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 10 Jan 91 18:33:04 PST
Subject: in the news

     Columbia Gets OK for Sonyland
   LOS ANGELES (AP)
   Columbia Pictures Entertainment has the OK from its Japanese
owners to open a Sonyland amusement park to compete with the
Disneyland and Universal Studios theme parks in Southern California.
   Details on cost, a construction timetable and location for the
Sonyland theme park will not be available for several months,
Columbia said Tuesday.
   `It may not be just one park, it may not be just here in the
United States," said Paul Schaefer, executive vice president of
corporate affairs for Columbia.
   Sonyland will unite characters, rides and exhibits employing Sony
technology and hardware, he said.
   The park will draw its creative inspiration from Columbia
Pictures, Tri-Star Pictures, Colpix Television and CBS Records, now
known as Sony Music.
   Director Steven Spielberg and his Amblin Entertainment were
expected to have a role in the project, according to the Daily
Variety industry publication.
   Spielberg is directing Tri-Star's upcoming "Hook," starring Robin
Williams as a descendant of Peter Pan, Dustin Hoffman as Capt. Hook
and Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell. Capt. Hook's pirate ship and the
tree house in Never Never Land are expected to end up as permanent
attractions at Sonyland.
   Disney and Universal had no comment on the Sonyland proposal.
   The Sonyland project comes at a time when Southern California
theme parks are experiencing leaner times and more competition.
Disney plans an ocean-oriented park in Long Beach and a second major
attraction in Anaheim.
   Attendance figures released last week showed a decline in visitors
at the major Southern California amusement parks in 1990. Disneyland,
Universal Studios Tour and Sea World all had fewer visitors last year
than in 1989.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 10 Jan 91 11:56:00 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU

IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.

Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as
they could be.

IBM won by a mile.
 
Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working
party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator
gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.

Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary --

"The guy rowing has just *got* to work harder!"

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 11 Jan 91 15:43:11 PST
From: lsc@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: Whale Watch

(this one's been around a lot, but it's a goodie)

      ******* zillions of forwards removed *******

| | 
| | I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
| | videotape, which I obtained from the alert father-son team of Dean and 
| | Kurt Smith.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon,
| | which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot,
| | eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach.  The responsibility
| | for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State
| | Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales
| | are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
| | 
| | So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not 
| | making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite.  The thinking 
| | here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be 
| | eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.
| | 
| | So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of 
| | dynamite next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of 
| | understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the 
| | most wonderful event in the history of the universe.  First you see
| | the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. 
| | Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" 
| | Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes.  You hear a new sound
| | like "splud."  You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces
| | of...  MY GOD!"  Something smears the camera lens.
| | 
| | Later, the reporter explains:  "The humor of the entire situation 
| | suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
| | blubber fell everywhere."  One piece caved in the roof of a car
| | parked more than a quarter of a mile away.  Remaining on the beach
| | were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units.
| | There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently
| | relocated in Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape.  Here
| | at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties.  But
| | this is no time for gaiety.  This is a time to get hold of the folks
| | at the Oregon State Highway division and ask them, when they get
| | done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US 
| | Capitol.
| | 

------------------------------

Newsgroups: alt.religion.computers
From: bhv@ddsw1.MCS.COM (Bronis Vidugiris)
Subject: Women against Hierarchical and Object-Oriented Programming (WHOOP)

It is long past time for us as programmers to address the issues of
women.  The evils of the male-dominated hierarchical system have long
been known, yet we continue to encourage this tendency by writing
hierarchical programs.  This is wrong.  This is bad.  This is EVIL!

All subroutines in a program are equal.  None is any 'better' or higher
than any other - yet we talk about 'top down' programming.  The connection
with patriarchical, 'man on top, women on bottem' sex is obvious and
disgusting.

The rigid hierarchical organization of subroutines MUST GO if we are to
achieve equality.  It is the same hierarchical system of thought that causes
us to organize our programs with levels that causes women to be degraded
in our society.  Programs should be organized consensually, with all
subroutines on the same level.  Communication between subroutines should
be encouraged, and they should not be limited to rigid, well defined
roles.  To do otherwise is to encourage our evil, patriarchical society -
and to damage its moral fiber.  Some people (and I hope you're not one
of them) may say that to organize our programs in such a manner would
be inefficient.  This is balderdash!  Not only is this unproven, but the
mere idea that efficiency could ever be considered more important than
Political Correctness and respect for people is in itself an evil, 
typically male, patriarchical idea.

The evils of 'objectification' have long been known - yet we are teaching
millions and millions of impressionable young programmers about the 
benefits of 'Object Oriented' programming.  This evil practice _must cease_.
Subroutines should not be thought of as objects - this encourages people
to treat each other as objects!

Objectification is bad.   Hierarchy is bad.  Together, they are a disaster.
We must unite and stamp out these horrid practices, and encourage feeling-
oriented consensually-organized highly-communicative programs - before
it is too late.   Our sick programs are a mirror of our sick society -
and we as programmers can, by organizing our programs in Politically
Correct manners help stamp out the evil repressive thought patterns which
degrade women (oh, and men, too).

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Jan 91 11:01:35 CST
From: chk@rice.edu (Charles Koelbel)
Subject: yuck, yuck, yuck
To: spaf

>From comp.org.uniforum:

In article <1991Jan11.230546.14589@slcs.slb.com>, jjhnsn@slcs.slb.com
(James Lee Johnson) writes:
|> 
|> Tired of being snubbed by bearded longhairs who refuse to discuss
|> important technical issues with you because your clothes are too neat?
|> Frustrated by marketing people who won't provide you with essential
|> information because your shoes aren't shined?  You need the UniSuit, the
|> only suit designed exclusively by Unix experts in Texas for the intense
|> fashion demands of the annual joint USENIX/UniForum conference.
|> 
|> Just slip into a restroom and in less than five minutes the beautiful,
|> conservative wool suit is converted into an appropriate outfit for the
|> next USENIX session.  The comfortable UniSuit UniShoes with Vibram(tm)
|> soles convert quickly to shiny dress shoes or scuffy, rugged mountain
|> hikers.  UniSuit slacks are wrinkle resistant wool blend on one side and
|> faded and patched denim on the reverse.  Other UniSuit components
|> reverse to assorted garments of random colors and patterns, guaranteed
|> not to match.  Just add your own T shirt statement, and you fit right in
|> with the USENIX crowd.  Necktie may optionally be worn as a headband.
|> UniSuit available in grey or navy wool blend.  Women's UniSuits available
|> in time for UniForum '92.
|> 
|> Also available is the optional UniPack.  This fine executive satchel
|> converts into a colorful backpack.
|> 
|> Don't spend valuable time trying to overcome a first impression.
|> Wearing a UniSuit allows you to focus on the real reasons you attend
|> the USENIX and UniForum conferences.  UniPack and UniSuit available at
|> fine clothiers and wilderness shops in your area.
|> 
|> --
|> James Lee Johnson         Capital Area Central Texas Unix Society (CACTUS)
|> P.O. Box 9786             Austin, TX 78766-9786
|> Internet:  jjhnsn@peyote.cactus.org     UUCP:  cs.utexas.edu!peyote!jjhnsn

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End of Yucks Digest
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