Some Hints on How To Be Content

Here is a baker’s dozen suggestions for living your life. A shorter version of this list was originally developed in 2019 for a post on the social site Quora. The list is based on my readings in philosophy and more than four decades of life experience as a student, educator, counselor, parent, and (allegedly) human being.

People often wonder what they should do to be happy. There is probably no single best answer for that, because each person's circumstances are unique. Plus, happiness is often transitory. Perhaps a better question is “How can I be content?" It is a subtly different question. The condition of being content is sometimes seen as being happy, but perhaps more properly as being satisfied that we have done what we can and striven for what we think is best. That will often result in happiness, but it also helps stave off regret even when we may not be particularly happy.

Some people I have counseled think that money or fame brings happiness. The old saying, "Money doesn't buy happiness," is worth considering. The key question is "How much is enough?" If the pursuit of wealth is one's driving force, there is likely no point of contentment, for there could always be more to be had. There is a theme, which often cites a conversation between Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller, where Heller notes he has something that a wealthy financier will never have: the knowledge that he has “enough." Even a person with no money may be content. Contentment is not based on a tally of something others don't have, but on something from within.

As happiness doesn't come from having more, it also doesn't derive from depriving others. Taking things away from others is meanness, not a pathway to happiness. Yes, some people seem to enjoy being mean, even cruel, to others. They are seeking to have more of something by depriving others. That is a hollow form of happiness that can also never be fully satisfying. If you find yourself wanting to deprive another of something you yourself enjoy, it is time to carefully reflect on your motives.

It is with that outlook that I offer the following as suggestions for how to be content and thus to lead a meaningful life.

As with any advice, note that your own experience may mean some of this doesn't apply to you. However, consider if it should!

I will note two things that are overarching considerations. First, nearly every major religion in history has developed some version of what is often called the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would wish to be treated. You might reflect on why that is so. Second, people may or may not remember things that you do, but they almost always remember how you make them feel.

Do things because they are right to do, not because you think anyone is paying attention, or that you will get some reward (or suffer a consequence if you don’t do them). Doing what is right is its own reward.
Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Normally, one sees one’s own foibles and shortcomings more readily than others do, while overestimating the abilities of others. (Cf. imposter syndrome .) However, don’t get overconfident in what you think you know or can do. (Cf. Dunning-Kruger.) Success lies in understanding your limits, operating within them, and seeking to extend them.
Everyone (except some rare psychopaths) experiences sadness, loss, struggles, and fears, although the majority often only show (and sometimes exaggerate) their successes, happiness, and strengths to others. Don’t be fooled into thinking you have more negatives in your life, or that others are somehow happier than you are.
Try to practice kindness and patience; always practice respect. Appearances and circumstances may be deceiving. Even if they aren’t, try to treat others at least as well as you would like to be treated.
Look back on past mistakes as learning experiences, not as regrets. Don’t dwell on them — you have the future to do better! That also means taking ownership of your mistakes. Admit them, take responsibility, and move on.
Life isn’t fair. If there is some purpose or rationale, it is almost certainly beyond our ken. Don’t envy others, or curse what has happened — neither makes things better. Instead, keep focused on how to make “next” better. As long as you get up one more time than you are knocked down, you have chances to make things better.
Learn to be comfortable being alone. Love and friendship are wonderful if and when you can find them, but much of your life — and often, even when in a relationship — you spend a significant amount of time alone, in your thoughts, if not in the physical sense. If you are not comfortable with yourself, no one else will be, either.
Don’t be shy about expressing yourself. Learn to say “no” when you want to, and to say “I love you” when you feel it. You are entitled to your feelings and autonomy as much as anyone else. That doesn’t mean you are entitled to your own facts, or that your opinions are necessarily correct, or that people won’t react negatively. But you do have your own feelings and agency—own them.
You are not responsible for the feelings or success (or failure) of any other adult. Don’t let others blame you for things you didn’t do, or try to make you feel guilty about something you didn’t cause.
You may not be presented with many opportunities to lead others. However, if you have the opportunity to help someone avoid falling behind, consider taking it. We all struggle now and then, and the people who drop back to keep us company or give us a boost are memorable in the best ways.
Acknowledge others: No one is invisible. And when appropriate, thank them. Give credit to others if their efforts help your own, but be very cautious and limited in allocating blame.
Never stop learning. Learning new things will not only help keep you sharp, but it can also foster new directions in your life. When one stops learning, it is when one really begins to decline; plants grow by producing new shoots, animals grow by adding size, and people grow by acquiring new thoughts and experiences.
Find joy in the world around you. Sunsets, flowers, babies, art, smiles, snowflakes, stars…. the world is filled with wonder. Experience it. Learn about it. Don’t let anything become too commonplace to miss out on it.

Some Hints on How To Be Content

Thoughts by Spaf