Yucks Digest V8 #2

Yucks Digest                Sun,  6 Sep 98       Volume 8 : Issue   2 

Today's Topics:
...  and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation.
                         Another bit of humor
                      Chicken Quotes: Computers
                     computer he[la][lv][ e][ n]
                       Fwd: Win '98 source code
                 Gratuitous Microsoft Sigs O' The Day
                 Last-second Additions to Windows 98
                        Master Gates (2 msgs)
                          Microsoft (2 msgs)
                           microsoft (fwd)
                          Microsoft patents
     Microsoft Technical Support vs. The Psychic Friends Network
                            Microsoft TeX
                    more ragging on bill gates...
              Office 97 to become much less fun to use.
                           Quote of the day
             Windows98 Update -- New Error Codes Assigned

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Thu Sep  3 22:39:35 EST 1998
From: Chief Yuckster <yucks-request>
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucks

Okay, so some of you wondered what happened to the list.  Here we were,
starting the 8th year of Yucks, when suddenly....it disappeared!

Well, it hadn't disappeared.  Instead, I got really busy, and I had a
flare-up of my RSI problem (tendonitis).  Then, I got busy trying to
get our new Center going (see <http://www.cerias.purdue.edu> for
details).  Then other things happened.  Then more things.  Then even
more, plus the RSI continuing to act up.  I lost some of my sense of
humor.  Putting together Yucks while stressed out is not something I
can do.

The end result is that this year has had a few yucks, but very little
Yucks, if you catch my drift.

Interestingly, I only got a few inquiries about what had happened.
Here I was hoping that Yucks was vital to each and every one of you,
only to discover that most of you didn't notice. :-(

Oddly, I've had about 6 inquiries over the last couple of weeks, so I
thought I'd try to get a few issues out.  Also, several friends,
including one especially amusing one in particular, have been helping
me "lighten up" thus contributing to an improved state of mind.  Plus,
my hands are a bit better.  And, with the fall semester started, I am
so far behind in my work I am about to concede defeat and set fire to
my desk.  Thus, time for Yucks!

Here's a review of some basics to go with the list.
  * to subscribe or unsubscribe, send mail to yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu
    along with the command you want to execute.  Try "help" all by itself
    if you want to see what else the mailer can do.
  * back issues of Yucks are available via the mail server, and on the
    WWW via <http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>
  * I solicit your submissions of funny and offbeat things.  Please
    mail them to yucks@cs.purdue.edu (*not* the -request address!).
  * If you submit anything to the Digest, please respect the original
    authors.  Include their names, and any copyright notice that may
    have been in place.  If there is a copyright that says not to copy,
    then please don't!
  * List contents may contain words, ideas, or stories offensive to some
    readers.  If you're not an adult or you have some compulsion to 
    regulate what others can see because you don't like it, then grow up
    (both cases).  Then unsubscribe from this list.   I don't include 
    material to shock or offend on purpose, but neither do I feel a 
    strong need to censor material if it has humor or interest as
    written.  So, get over it.
  * The list is intended to be mostly humorous, but may contain some items
    that are simply bizarre.  If someone submits it, and I like it, it
    goes in.  Your mileage may vary.
  * Odd WWW links don't go in Yucks.  There is a companion mailing list for
    unusual and interesting WWW sites.  It is called "web-heads" and you can
    find out about it (or join it) by visiting 

About this issue:
One impertinent reader suggested that the reason Yucks had gone into
hibernation was because my laboratory (COAST) had started getting
funding from Microsoft.  Thus, I couldn't run Microsoft jokes.  Without
Microsoft jokes, there would be no content for Yucks!

Ha!  Yes, the folks in Redmond are providing a little funding for
research.  Yes, I am grateful for their support.  But, although I can
be bribed, I can't be influenced!  (Well, not by money alone.  Blondes,
brunettes, redheads, and chocolate work well, especially in combination
(and did I mention blondes?).   But Microsoft Labs hasn't come through
with those.  Yet.  Although I'm sure I wouldn't be compatible with a
Microsoft blonde.  I'd probably fail to load.  Hmm, come to think of
it, that would explain a lot in my life.) Anyhow, the Yucks hiatus was
all a coincidence.

And, to prove it, enjoy the following all-Microsoft issue....



Date: Mon, 18 May 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ...  and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Rob Windsor <windsor@warthog.com>
Forwarded-by: eltze@telecom.ksu.edu (Robert D. Eltze)


REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft 
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in 
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft 
and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and 
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm 
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the 
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped 
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington 
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, 
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott 
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed 
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," 
said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of 
"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test 
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation 
from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of 
weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally 
found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." 
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival 
operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a 
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II 
microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by 
a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why 
the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel 
chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E.
Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in 
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all 
of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." 

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was 
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying 
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to
be around when they drop that product a second time."

posted on 14 May 1998
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.


Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 17:40:26 -0700
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Another bit of humor
To: spaf

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play.  It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating  the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of
human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus
1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free
copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known
as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.


Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum

If the  user meets the requirements, the product installs and is
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.

After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user
must have sufficient RAM to complete the session.

When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user
gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.


Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered.

Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been
eliminated.  The product needs to be installed each time its used.


Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s
potential.  He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help
users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for


Date: Fri, 08 May 1998 18:42:23 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: Computers
To: kegel@fea.net


24. Computers

Assembler Chicken:  First it builds the road ... 

C Chicken:  It crosses the road without looking both ways. 

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply 
refer to him on the other side.


Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't 
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully 

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on 
the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server 
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we 

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross 
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it 
just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can 
carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so 
quiet that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on 
all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on 

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, 
but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while 


Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 17:01:20 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (Jeff Offutt)
Subject: computer he[la][lv][ e][ n]
To: spaf

In Computer Heaven

      In Computer Heaven:
         The management is from Intel,
         The design and construction is done by Apple,
         The marketing is done by Microsoft,
         IBM provides the support,
         Gateway determines the pricing.

      In Computer Hell:
         The management is from Apple,
         Microsoft does design and construction,
         IBM handles the marketing,
         The support is from Gateway,
         Intel sets the price.


Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 06:32 EDT
From: Lindsay Cleveland <lindsay@dscatl.atl.ga.us>
Subject: cutie
To: <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>

Contributed by: randall.woodman@lunatic.com

"An ancient eastern proverb says: I complained because I had no shoes; then
I met a man who had no feet. For the 90's: I complained because I had no
PowerMac; then I met a man who used Windows."
						-- Cloyce Sutton

Customer:   "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer:   "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."


Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 09:48:04 +0100 (BST)
From: "Lindsay F. Marshall" <Lindsay.Marshall@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: Fwd: Win '98 source code
To: netagere@limitless.co.uk, James.Webber@ncl.ac.uk, M.C.Little@ncl.ac.uk

------ Forwarded message ------
   From: rosemary@yacc.demon.co.uk (Rosemary Lockie) (by way of Brian Randell)
Subject: Win '98 source code

Recently leaked from Redmond...

Windows '98 source code.

          TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
          Project: Chicago(tm)
          Projected release-date: MAY 1998

      #include "win31.h"
      #include "win95.h"
      #include "evenmore.h"
      #include "oldstuff.h"
      #include "billrulz.h"
      #define INSTALL = HARD

      char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

      void main()
              if (first_time_installation)

              if (still_not_crashed)

          if (detect_cache())

          if (fast_cpu())
              set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
              set_mouse(action, jumpy);
              set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
          printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
          if (system_ok())
              system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);



Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Gratuitous Microsoft Sigs O' The Day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: chuck <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: David HM Spector <spector@zeitgeist.com>

  | Pinky: "What are we going to do tonight, Brain?"                    |
  | Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky:  try to install    |
  |         Windows 95!"                                                |


Date: Sat, 30 May 98 00:27:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Last-second Additions to Windows 98
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "m.b.komor" <mbkomor@remarque.org>
Forwarded-by: Jane Beckman <jane@swdc.stratus.com>


We were a bit concerned that Microsoft's legal quandary earlier this week
would delay the release of the final Win 98 code to computer manufacturers
(and our review team). Turns out that Microsoft released it anyway, but only
after adding these 11th-hour tweaks:

10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.

 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in
    ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a

 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros.  Windows start-
    up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan."

 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet
    petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance
    carrier to AT&T.

 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking
    account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.

 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor
    expressing delight with Microsoft products."

 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say,
    "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."

 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.

 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98
    that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!

 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."


Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 21:11:01 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Master Gates
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>


Forbes magazine named Bill Gates the world's richest person, with a net
worth of $51 billion.  "Just to give you an idea of how much money that is,
the Clinton administration has given him 'favored nation' status."  --Steve

ShopTalk, 26 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>

NEW YORK -- Determined to circumvent Justice Department action forestalling
the release of his powerful new operating system, Microsoft CEO and evil
genius Bill Gates dropped Windows 98, coded into liquid form, into New York
City's water supply sometime this past weekend.

"Excellent," said Gates, watching his scheme unfold on a 30-foot video
screen deep within Microsoft's Redmond, WA, compound.  "Everything is going
exactly according to plan."

Doctors say the risk to New Yorkers who consume Windows-tainted water is
considerable.  "As little as three ounces of water can carry the entire
Windows 98 installer file into the drinker's cerebral cortex," said Dr.
Terry Braithwaite of New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital.  "Once this insidious
operating system enters a person's brain, it may take years to fully
rebuild his or her original neurological programming, and even then, old
files can remain in their memories for years."

According to New York water commissioner Glenn Portnoy, the Susquehanna and
Catskill reservoirs were contaminated with the software in question late
Saturday night, rendering 100 percent of the city's taps Windows-compatible
only.  Those living in any of the city's five boroughs, Portnoy said, are
now at risk of having the system installed in their bodies by drinking,
cooking with, or even showering with New York City water.

"Residents of New York!" said Gates in a televised address early Monday
morning.  "Some of your neighbors, your friends, your own family members
have not yet joined us in operating within our glorious system.  Why not?
Is something affecting their judgment?  Are they perhaps... thirsty?"

"Water," Gates added.  "The source of all life."

Gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out, returning
televisions across New York to their regular programming with the push of a

Justice Department officials said they plan to come down hard on the
software giant for its latest controversial move.  "Not only is tampering
with a major metropolitan area's water supply illegal," U.S. attorney Joel
Klein said, "but mass, involuntary bio-installation of operating-system
software is a gross violation of federal antitrust law."

Klein said Microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival Netscape from
placing its web browser in New York's reservoirs, an act he said may
constitute a further illegal monopolistic trade practice.  If found guilty
of dispatching winged Microsoft henchmen to block Netscape's access to the
reservoirs, Microsoft may face fines of up to $670 million.

Gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the
people of New York via Microsoft's Windows 98 brainwave transmitter,
saying, "Command priority reformat unit sub-Klein-delete//DELETE:
A-Priority."  Klein's whereabouts are currently unknown.

Despite Microsoft's tainting of their water supply, New Yorkers seem
relatively unfazed.

"There is nothing wrong with having Windows 98 in my body," said a
glassy-eyed Queens woman identifying herself as "7398473289348390-98.01."
"Windows 98 is good.  Where do I want to go today, O Gateslord?"

Added the woman:  "Invalid sector error Type -41."

Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.


Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 23:33:57 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Master Gates
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>


Bill Gates topped the Forbes billionaire list at $51 billion.  "Looks like
the Bible is wrong.  It should have read, 'The geek shall inherit the
earth.'"  --Argus Hamilton

ShopTalk, June 25, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>

Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates is reportedly considering writing a
second book in a move to showcase his current vision for technology.
Preliminary plans are for a more hip-hop, youth-oriented book tentatively
titled "Me So Wealthy."

Jim Rosenberg <jrosenberg@usa.net>

President Clinton is upset that India and Pakistan exploded nuclear
devices, that nuclear proliferation may be out of hand.  "Then the CIA came
into the Oval Office with the worst possible news of all:  Bill Gates has
the bomb."  --Argus Hamilton

ShopTalk, 9 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>

"If Microsoft is a monopoly, then so is the U.S. government."  Bill Gates
boldly declared today on the steps of the U.S. Capital.  Gates was in
Washington to announce his plan to form a new government that will compete
directly with the current U.S. Government.  Gates told the audience that he
was "sick of all this monopoly talk" and that he wanted to create a
government that would concentrate on more substantive issues.

"What this country needs is another government that will provide greater
competition."  Gates said in announcing his new Microstates government.
While Gates' new government will automatically approve all of Microsoft's
actions and make the use of Netscape Navigator illegal and punishable by
execution, that is not all.  It is expected to be a vibrant competitor to
the present government.

At first, Gates' government will appear almost identical to the current
model.  Like its predecessor, it will feature three branches of government
-- the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial.  However, if all three
branches operate at once, critics claim that the entire government could
collapse unless sufficient tax money is made available.  Gates' government
may also not be compatible with the governments of other countries, and
many worry that once people switch to Gates' government they will not be
allowed to switch back.

Gates dismissed these concerns as "enhancements the American people will
soon learn to embrace" and also touted his plan to give away free
citizenship with the purchase of the Windows 98 operating system.

Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin <joe@joelavin.com>


Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1998 22:14:12 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Microsoft
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>


'Earlier this year at a reporters roundtable in San Jose, Calif.,
 Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates angrily disputed suggestions that his
 company was intentionally confusing the market and stealing ideas from
 an innovator.

'He said the idea was "beyond bizarre," that his company had "zero
 market share" in hand-held computing and that it had chosen the Palm PC
 name after doing original market research in which he was not involved.

'However, moments after Gates left the conference room, an assistant
 returned, saying she had come back to reclaim "Bill's Palm Pilot,"
 which he had accidentally left behind.'

 - excerpt from a story on Palm Computing suing Microsoft over trademark
   infringement (The New York Times, Thursday 1998 March 5, Page C3
   (Nat'l Ed.)


John S. Karabaic
Quote of the Day <qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca>

You order a beer but won't actually get it until next year.

When you do get your beer, it will only be half-full.  When you complain
about this, you get charged extra.

You are promised that the next beer you get will not only be full, but
will actually brew you more beer.  This turns out to be false.  You
still only get half a beer in a slightly different colour of glass.  You
will probably need to learn how to drink all over again.

Your glass of beer will explode at random intervals.  Far from being
seen as a fault, this is described by the bar staff as an "undocumented
feature."  You are assured that the next beer you receive will not
explode.  Of course, it will and it does.

You can only talk to people who are drinking the same beer as you.

You can order a different drink, but you will have to go to another bar.

You've heard that there is another beer called "Linux Real Lite", which
is tastier, comes in a near bottomless glass and is free.  But you can't
drink it because you'll lose your job.  Strangely, you'll keep your job
if you continuously get pissed at MS-Bar.

You can become a MS-Beer expert by paying the bar lots of money and then
taking a test in which you lie about how good the beer is while
overlooking all its faults.

The bar releases NT-Beer, but it is so big that it won't fit on your
table.  You will have to buy a new table.  The glass is still only half

For some obscure reason, you keep drinking at MS-Bar.

Peter Da Vanzo <webmaster@activate-u.com> [alt.humor]


Date: Thu, 28 May 1998 21:07:16 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Microsoft
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>


"Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software
industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations."
--Esther Schlindler, OS/2 Magazine

Mike Scott
Quote of the Day <qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca>

It happened in Seattle.  It took an unlucky combination of people
meeting together in one of the Microsoft executive suites.  First, there
were the Scotlanders recently responsible for the cloning of the sheep.
In addition, the group was blessed with Chrysler Motors ex-CEO, Lee
Iococa, and with the famous vampire, Count Dracula.  Oh, the pain, oh
the difficulty of sitting down.  DNA was taken from both Iococa and
Dracula and the DNAs were combined into the empty ovum of a Microsoft
executive.  The fertilized ovum was implanted in a conscripted
volunteer, and after nine months, the conceptus came fully to term.
Thus, it was born.  Now we have the explanation: ... AUTOEXEC. BAT

Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade.
Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other
scandals he's been accused of participating in.

Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the

No, wait, that could be confusing.  After all, the president is accused
of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the
head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.

Ack Thhpt! <ack@netins.net> [rec.humor.funny]

10. Competition is good.  90% market share is better.

9. We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a
reasonable settlement with Microsoft.  We thought that our press release
last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these
little details.

8. We support a free marketplace.  So long as our support is visibly
branded everywhere, at any price.

7. The Road Ahead:  Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."

6. When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers
on a one-day rampage against government.  That always beats befriending
politicians and bureaucrats.

5. We value our customers.  That's why we only charge $75 per question
on our toll-free tech support phone lines!  (Hey, at least the phone
call is free)!

4. Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants
down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our
way out of this mess.

3. We love the idea of competition.  That's why we bought a huge chunk
of Apple.

2. The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release
Windows98 on time.  Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and
non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.

1. No Netscape for you!

Daily Dose! <http://thedailydose.com>
Oracle Service Humor Mailing List <oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com>


Date: Saturday, July 04, 1998 11:49 AM
From: William E. Bausch [mailto:wbausch@juno.com]
Subject: microsoft (fwd)

1.	Their #1 product would be Microsoft Storm Windows.
2.	Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get a walleye.
3.	Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with frost.
4.	Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Yah, sure" or "Thanks very
much, not right now, but maybe later."
5.	Instead of "ta-da", the opening sound would be a car with a cold battery
cranking over and over and over and over.
6.	The "Recycle Bin" in Storm Windows would be an ice fishing house.
7.	Whenever you pulled up the sound player, you'd hear "Kirrrrrby
8.	Instead of "start me up" the windows '95 theme would be the Gedney pickle
theme song.
9.	Power Point would be named "Don't Point" because "power" is just too
aggressive a word, and pointing isn't polite, anyway, don't you know.
10.	Microsoft's programming tools would be "Visual Lutheran" and "Visual
Evangelical Lutheran".
11.	The logo for Storm Windows 95 would incorporate a hotdish.
12.	Microsoft Word would be Microsoft Apology.
13.	Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have 3M servers.
14.	New Shutdown WAV:  "Do you have to leave so soon? Have another cup of
15.	Instead of VPs, Microsoft big shots would be called "Winter Carnival
16.	Hardware could be repaired using parts from used appliances bought at
garage sales for 50 cents each.
17.	Microsoft Office would be replaced with Microsoft Skyway.
18.	Five words:  Norwegian Bachelor Farmer Screen Saver.
19.	Well, Bill Gates would be known as "that nice man up the block who
sponsors the little league team."
20.	Spreadsheet software would include examples for inventorying
prize-winning jam and pickle recipes from the State Fair.
21.	Flight Simulator would be replaced by Driving Your Pickup Out on the
Lake Ice in Late March Simulator.
22.	Car block heaters would have plug'n'play interfaces.
23.	Screen saver options would include a guy shoveling his driveway and then
a snowplow coming through and pushing a mound across the driveway bottom.
24.	Instructions for use would include "Please press the control key when
you have a minute, okay?"


Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 23:23:47
From: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@mindspring.com>
Subject: Microsoft patents
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu

 from http://www.theonion.com/onion3311/microsoftpatents.html
  REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate
  but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from
  theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft
  Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
  With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from
  manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and
  ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer
  languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
  digit used is paid to the software giant.
  "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and
  zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told
  reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health
  of the computer industry, we permitted the free and
  unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However,
  changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly
  predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with
  no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our
  A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple
  Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will
  challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-
  competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing
  fee would bankrupt them instantly.
  "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms
  used to create a platform-independent programming
  environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions
  of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott
  McNealy, whose company created the Java programming
  environment used in many Internet applications. "The
  licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every
  day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth
  of this company."
  "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have
  no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO
  Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company
  would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated
  computers running software off vinyl LPs."
  As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies
  have begun radically revising their product lines: Database
  manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to
  develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose
  communications and networking systems are also subject to
  Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal
  trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system.
  Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-
  powered printer.
  Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground,
  maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property
  of Microsoft.
  "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as
  they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast
  historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800
  B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or
  nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras
  himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation,
  or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi
  explaining the Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck;
  and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being
  And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have
  no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone
  else that we own the rights to these numbers."
  Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the
  richest man in the world."
  Jim Winski - jcw@upi.uhcolorado.edu


Date: Thu, 20 Aug 98 13:19:06 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Microsoft Technical Support vs. The Psychic Friends Network
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Dan Franklin <dfranklin@BBN.COM>
Forwarded-by: Vernon Miller
[Forward removed...]

In the course of a recent Microsoft Access programming project, we had
three difficult technical problems where we decided to call a support
hotline for advice. This article compares the two support numbers we
tried: Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network. As a
resultof this research, we have come to the following conclusions : 1 )
thatMicrosoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network are
about equal in their ability to provide technical assistance for
Microsoft products over the phone ; 2 ) that the Psychic Friends Net
work has a distinct edge over Microsoft in the areas of courtesy,
response time, and cost of support; but 3) that Microsoft has a
generally better refund policy if they fail to solve your problem.

In the paragraphs that follow, we will detail the support calls we made
and the responses we received from each pport provider. We will follow
this with a discussion of the features provided by each support provider
so that readers can do their own rankings of the two services.

Our research began when we called Microsoft regarding a bug that we had
detected when executing queries which pulled data from a Sybase Server
into Microsoft Access. If we used the same Access database to query two
databases on the same server, we found that all of the queries aimed at
the second database that we queried were sent to the first database that
we had queried. This problem existed no matter which database we queried
first.  Dan called Microsoft's Technical Solutions Line, gave them $55,
and was connected with an official Microsoft Access technical support
person. As Dan began to explain the problem, the support person
interrupted him, and told him that since it was clear that it was not
just a problem with Access but with the two programs together, Microsoft
would not try to help us.  They did,however, have a consultant referral
service with which he would be  glad to connect us. Dan then asked if we
could have our $55 refunded, since Microsoft was not going to try to
answer to our question. The tech support person responded by forwarding
Dan to the person in charge of giving refunds. The person officially in
charge of giving refunds took Dan's credit card info again, after which
Dan asked about the referral service.  It was too late, however - the
refund folks could not reconnect Dan with the tech support guy he'd been
talking with, nor could he put Dan in touch with the referral service
hotline. End of Call One.

Our second call came when Dan was creating some line graphs in Microsoft
Access. Microsoft Access actually uses a program called Microsoft Graph
to create its graphs, and this program has a "feature" that makes the
automatic axis scale always start the scale at zero. If all of your data
are between 9,800 and 10,000 and you get a scale of 0 to 10,000, your
data will appear as a flat line at the top of your graph-not a very
interesting chart. Since Dan was writing Visual Basic code to create the
graphs, he wanted to be able to use Visual Basic code to change the
graph scaling, but he could not find anything in the help files that
would tell him how to do this. After working with Microsoft Graph for a
while, Dan concluded that it probably didn't have the capability that he
needed, but he decided to call Microsoft just to make sure. Dan
described his problem to the technical support person, whom we'll call
Microsoft Bob. Microsoft Bob said he'd never gotten a call about
Microsoft Graph before. He then left Dan on hold while he went to ask
another support person how to use Microsoft Graph.  Microsoft Bob came
back with the suggestion that Dan use the online help. Dan, however, had
already used the online help, and didn't feel that this was an
appropriate answer for a $55 support call.  Microsoft Bob didn't give
up, though. He consulted the help files and learned to change the graph
scale by hand and then began looking for a way to do this via code.
After Microsoft Bob had spent about an hour on the phone with Dan
learning how to use Microsoft Graph, Dan asked for a refund since he had
no more time to spend on the problem. Microsoft Bob refused the refund,
however.  He said he wouldn't give up, and told Dan that he would call
back the next week.

Microsoft Bob did call back the following week to admit failure. He
could not help us. However, he couldn't give us a refund either.
Microsoft Bob's supervisor confirmed Microsoft Bob's position. While
Microsoft Technical Support hadn't solved our problem, they felt that a
refund was inappropriate since Microsoft Technical Support had spent a
lot of time not solving our problem. Dan persisted, however, explaining
that if Microsoft Bob actually knew the program, he would have been able
to give Dan a response much sooner. The supervisor made no guarantees,
but he instructed Dan to check his credit card bill at the end of the
month. The supervisor explained that if Dan saw that the charge was
still there at the end of the month,then he would know that he hadn't
gotten a refund. End of Call Two.

Our third call to Microsoft involved using the standard file save dialog
from within Microsoft Access to get a file name and directory string
from a user in order to save an exported file. The documentation didn't
make it clear how to do this using Visual Basic code within Microsoft
Access, and Dan decided to call Microsoft to ask if and how a programmer
could do this.  The technical support person he reached told him he was
asking about a pretty heavy programming task.  He cheerily informed Dan
that he'd called the wrong number and advised Dan to call help for
Visual Basic, not Access ($195 instead of $55 ). This technical support
person was extraordinarily helpful in getting Dan his refund. End of
Call Three.

Stymied by our responses from Microsoft, we decided to try another
service provider, the Psychic Friends Network. There are several
noticeable differences between Microsoft and the Psychic Friends
Network.  Microsoft charges a flat rate per "solution," which is a
single problem and can be handled in multiple phone calls. As described
above, Microsoft may or may not issue a refund of their fee if they fail
to provide a solution for your problem. The Psychic Friends Network
charges a per minute fee. They do not offer a refund if they cannot
solve your problem. However, unlike Microsoft, they will not charge you
extra if they provide more than one solution per call.

We decided to test the Psychic Friends Network by asking them the same
questions that we had asked Microsoft Technical Support. We called them
and were quickly connected with Ray, who was very courteous and helpful.
Like Microsoft Bob, Ray quickly informed us that he wasn't fully up to
date on the programs that we were working with, but he was willing to
help us anyway. We started off with our first problem : making a
connection from Microsoft Access to two different Sybase Servers. Ray
worked hard on this problem for us. He sensed that there was a problem
with something connecting, that something wasn't being fulfilled either
in a sexual, spiritual or emotional way. Ray also identified that there
was some sort of physical failure going on that was causing the
problem." Do you mean that there's some sort of bug?" we asked. Ray
denied that he knew about any sort of bug in the software. "Are you sure
there's not a bug?" we asked. Ray insisted that he did not know of any
bug in the software, although he left open the possibility that there
could be some bug in the software that he did not know about. All in
all, Ray did not do much to distinguish himself from Microsoft Technical
Support. He wasn't able to solve our problem for us, and he wasn't able
to confirm or deny that a bug in Microsoft Access was causing the
problem. We then asked Ray our question about using Visual Basic to set
the axes of a chart. Ray thought hard about this one. Once again he had
the sense that something just wasn't connecting, that there was some
sort of physical failure that was causing our problem. "Could it be that
it's your computer that's the problem?" he asked. "Is this something
that happens just on your computer, or have you had the same problem
when you've tried to do the same thing on other computers?"  We assured
Ray that we had the same problem on other computers, then asked again,
"This physical failure that you're talking about, do you mean that
there's some sort of bug?" Once again he assured us that there wasn't a
bug, but that he didn't know how to solve our problem. "I sense there's
some sort of sickness here, and you're just going to have to sweat it
out.  If you'd like, you can call back tomorrow.  We have a couple of
guys here, Steve and Paul, and they 're much better with computer stuff
than I am."  To conclude our research, we asked Ray about our problem
with the standard file dialog box."  It's the same thing as the last
one," he told us.  "There's some sort of sickness here, and you're just
going to have to sweat it out. There is a solution,though,and you're
just going to have to work at it until you get it."

Co n c l u s i o n s

In terms of technical expertise, we found that a Microsoft technician
using Knowledge Base was about as helpful as a Psychic Friends reader
using Tarot Cards. All in all, however, the Psychic Friends Net work
proved to be a much friendlier organization than Microsoft Technical
Support.  While neither group was actually able to answer any of our
technical questions, the Psychic Friends Network was much faster than
Microsoft and much more courteous. Which organization is more affordable
is open to question.  If Microsoft does refund all three "solutions"
fees, then they will be the far more affordable solution provider,
having charged us no money for having given us no assistance. However,
if Microsoft does not refund the fees for our call regarding Microsoft
Graph, then they will have charged us more than 120% of what the Psychic
Friends charged, but without providing the same fast and courteous
service that Psychic Friends provided.

Microsoft Tech Support (800) 939-5700
The Psychic Friends Network (900)-407-6611


Date: Sat, 18 Apr 98 01:22:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Microsoft TeX
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Jim Propp <propp@math.mit.edu>
<fwds digging up old troff manuals>



PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA, USA (CNEWS/MSNBC) --- In a major move into the
scientific publishing market, Microsoft Corporation announced today that it
has purchased all rights to the computer language and document compiler
known as TeX (pronounced, "tech"), and plans a major new product line based
on the 20-year-old software.

Stanford Professor Donald Knuth (pronounced, "kah-nooth"), the author of
the widely-used TeX software, in a joint press conference at the university
campus with Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, acknowledged that the two had
been negotiating for some months. "I felt that two decades of TeX in the
public domain was enough. I am reasserting the copyright to my original work
in TeX.  Microsoft will carry the ball now, and I can get back to my
computer science research." Knuth acknowledged he was paid a "seven-figure
sum" from Microsoft, which he will use to finance his work on a project he
has code-named "Volume 4".

At the press conference, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said the acquisition
was "the kind of cooperation between academia and industry that builds
prosperity for both." He added that TeX would "finally give Microsoft a
foothold in mathematical desktop publishing" that has eluded the software
giant since its founding. Drawing gasps of surprise from the college
audience, Gates asserted that "TeX will soon be biggest jewel in the
Microsoft crown."

Apparently the jewel metaphor will include a hefty, unavoidable price tag
for future TeX users. Gates outlined plans whereby all existing TeX
compilers would be phased out, to be replaced by a new Microsoft master
implementation written in C++. Beta versions for public testing on Windows
95 and NT platforms are expected in late 1998, issuing from a new
205-programmer project laboratory at Microsoft's Redmond campus. Microsoft
TeX for other platforms, such as Unix workstations, will follow at an as-yet
unspecified date. According to Gates, "the master TeX from Microsoft will
ensure that the incompatibilities across platforms are once and for all
eliminated." TeX software is widely used due its portability, although
variations among operating systems have been troublesome due to
uncoordinated development.

Unlike the technical aspects of the project, Gates explained that pricing
for Microsoft TeX has already been firmly set. The single-user retail
product is expected to have a street price of about $600 and consist of
three CDs. When heckled by an graduate student complaining about a high
price for a formerly free product, Gates seemed startled, explaining that
a "student edition at $299 is likely" and that "Microsoft will use the
revenue to make TeX better."

Most current users of TeX have paid nothing for their implementations,
derived from Professor Knuth's formerly-free work. Before leaving the
podium, Gates made a final comment that "TeX hasn't changed in years. What
kind of a product can that be?", and then handed the microphone to an
assistant, introduced only as the project leader for Microsoft TeX.

The assistant displayed an overhead presentation using the current test
version of Microsoft TeX. Equations and tables could be seen dissolving into
each other in a morphing action between frames. "No one has ever done that
with TeX," Gates announced from an audience seat at one point. "It's the
kind of sizzle that can really enliven a dull paper at an academic
conference." Some onlookers were not convinced, especially when the program
crashed midway through the demonstration, resulting in a five-minute delay
while Windows 95 was restarted.  Microsoft technicians later blamed a
third-party display driver.

The impact on the large base of existing TeX users was unclear. During a
question-and-answer period, Gates said that the "TeX" trademark would be
registered as the exclusive property of Microsoft, and could not appear in
any competitive or free software. "We are granting of our own good will
until the 3rd quarter of 1998, free use to any existing TeX vendors or
public-domain authors. That's plenty of time for an orderly phase-out and
change-over to Microsoft TeX, or no TeX at all. After that, our legal
department will be contacting them."

A Microsoft attorney added that some of the project personnel would be
dedicated to searching the Internet to find non-Microsoft TeX software.
"Archives and collections of TeX-related programs will not be permitted.
The standards must be enforced, or they become meaningless. We are rescuing
a fine piece of work from being diluted into worthlessness. You would not
believe the number of programs that have been based on TeX without any
central, controlling authority. We will stop this infringement."

Some large organizations dependent on TeX were stunned by the announcment
and had not yet formed plans for dealing with the change. At the American
Mathematical Society, whose publications largely depend on TeX for
typesetting, editor Barbara Beeton was incensed. "I can't believe Don
[Professor Donald Knuth] sold us out like this. We should have never based
a publishing enterprise of this scope on so-called public-domain software.
What were we thinking?" Publication schedules for the rest of 1998 were on
hold, and journal editors scrambled to reassure their authors that deadlines
would not slip more than a few months.

Certain small businesses are also expected to feel the impact of the
Microsoft ownership of TeX. Palo Alto restaurant owner Wu Chen appeared
unhappy at the news, stating that "for ten year I print new menu every day
with TeX, now I will pay big time." He displayed a crumpled, grease-spotted
take-out flyer, and with tears in his eyes explained how multiple columns,
exotic typefaces, and daily price changes could all be printed by TeX in a
multi-lingual format. "In Wordperfect this would be a long journey."

Commercial vendors of TeX software stand to lose everything in the face of
the new Microsoft monopoly. While most derivatives of TeX were freely
published, several companies had made a business of publishing proprietary
versions. One anonymous source from a leading TeX firm said that "publishing
TeX was a gold mine while it lasted, and the Internet let us mine it deeper
and deeper. Now this is a cave-in right on our heads. TeX was a monumental
work of beauty and utility, freely given to the world by one of the finest
and most generous minds of the 20th century. Now it belongs to a lucky
dropout. We're finished."


Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 20:13:33 -0400 (EDT)
From: Emily Carter <eac@chem.ucla.edu>
Subject: more ragging on bill gates...
To: Multiple recipients of list <dssg-5@ida.org>

>...in the series of "what if Microsoft made cars.." etc.
>here's what if Microsoft made TV dinners:
>     You must first remove the plastic cover.  By doing so you agree to
>     accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.  You may not give
>     anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
>     infringement of Microsoft's rights).  You may, however, let others
>     smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good
>     it is.
>     If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
>     the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
>     Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
>     If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
>     will set itself and cook the dinner.
>     If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of
>     the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and
>     the desired level of cooking and press start.  The oven will calculate
>     the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
>     Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
>     oven must be restarted.  This is a simple procedure.  Remove the
>     dinner from the oven and enter
>     ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.  This process may have to be
>     repeated.  Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot.
>     If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
>     Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
>     than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
>     which are empty.  These are for future menu items.  If the tray is too
>     large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
>     Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
>     chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
>     call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want
>     another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
>     Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
>     their chicken dinners.  Future releases will only be in the larger
>     family size.  Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
>     saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
>     Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
>     that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
>     thrilled in advance.
>     Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
>     freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
>     a bug.
>     Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.


Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Office 97 to become much less fun to use.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Believe it or not the following is an actual snippit from a newsletter
our IS Dept. received from Microsoft:

-- Bug? Joke? Coincidence? Office 97 Thesaurus Entry Had Some Users

You may have read recently, either online or in print, about a "bug" in
the Microsoft Office 97 thesaurus.  When a user searches the thesaurus
for the phrase, "Unable to follow directions," the thesaurus does not have
a matching entry for that phrase, and thus returns a list of words and
phrases that are close alphabetically but have no connection with the
original phrase.  In this case, the phrase "unable to have an erection"
is highlighted in the list as the entry that is closest to the search
phrase.  This is simply a coincidence; there is no bug in the thesaurus,
nor is this some sly joke sneaked in by one of our developers!
Nonetheless, in the interests of sensitivity to any customers who may find
this offensive, we have decided to remove the entry from the upcoming
Office 97 Service Release 2 (SR-2).


Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 03:50:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)

"The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption]
 would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers."

 - Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265, demonstrating he might not
   be as clever as we think he is.

   [The submitter notes: For the non-mathematicians: a number is called
   "prime" if and only if it can _not_ be factored, because it is only
   divisible by 1 and itself.]

    Submitted by: "Peter J. Kunz"
                  Mar. 7, 1998


Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1998 19:13:01 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Windows
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>


"Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it
supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly,
with no warning whatsoever, stop operating."  --Pullitzer-Prize winning
columnist Dave Barry, in an article on the recent Microsoft antitrust suit.

Dan Horner
Quote of the Day <qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca>

"Win98 [Windows 98 operating system] is just like a higher quality heroin.
It's still not good for us."  --Capone (capone@capone.org)

Quote of the Day <qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca>

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of
the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully.  Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C).  You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3 percent
increase.  But that's not all.  Windows 98 (C) contains many features not
found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if
there were any.  Among the improvements:  faster storing and retrieving of
files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space
functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an
easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink
wrap around the box.  Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior
compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that
you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser.  And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's
the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer,
or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer
is easy.  Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon,
and select "Load Inferior Browser."  A dialog box will ask "Are  you sure?"
Click "yes."  This question may be asked several more times in different
ways; just keep clicking "yes."  Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being
loaded.  You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time
bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes."  If at any time after
installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data
loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your
keyboard.  Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed --

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
computer problem.  As you may know, most computers store the current year
as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for
1900.  Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a
four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of
the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has
prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as
"Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form.  It
only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed.  Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank
records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with
any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible.  We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with your software.  Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the
recorded instructions carefully.  (The Helpline is open every day but
Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly,
and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice
Department.  We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your
hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American  consumers want
software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).

David Gersic
Mike Avery <MAvery@mail.otherwhen.com>


Date: Mon, 15 Jun 98 03:25:18 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Windows98 Update -- New Error Codes Assigned
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "m.b.komor" <mbkomor@remarque.org>
Forwarded-by: Mike Jittlov <jittlov@1stnetusa.com>
Forwarded-by: Beldar Conehead <Beldar@Remulak.Net>

The Latest Report on Windows98:

New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything


End of Yucks Digest