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Yucks Digest V7 #22 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 9 Nov 97 Volume 7 : Issue 22
Today's Topics:
... or the destruction of the Earth.
.SQOTD - (.Sig Quote Of The Day) - James
A Congressional Brain Scan - in situ
Advisor Language at the Thesis Defense
ANSWERS! ANSWERS! MORE ANSWERS!!
Australian loses sex drive after pig attack
Cats
Computer Voodoo
Don't Touch That Switch
Excerpted: 11/05/97- ShopTalk
Fun_People: E-mail we never quite finished reading
Golf Again
Great, Scott! - New Product Report
Humor from the Gastroenterologist'S Office
i HATE grading finals
JOTD
Lepu's Numbers.
making the rounds
math
Math Knowledge and the American Public
Pinpoint Marketing
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Sig 'O The Day
Stink Bait
Sue & Sally
That's the way (Unh-hunh Unh-hunh) I like it (Unh-hunh Unh-hunh)
The Comedian's-eye View of 11/10/97
The N. Y. Times on the war between Mac and DOS.
The Vegas Cabbie
Unintended Insight #726
Well, *duh*!
Where's a Physical Therapist When You Need One?
WhiteBoard News
Yesterday - not by the Beatles
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... or the destruction of the Earth.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kirk McKusick <mckusick@McKusick.COM>
From: "BUSHL" <bushl@icdgate.hanscom.af.mil>
[From UbiSoft, makers of Rayman]
THESE MATERIALS SHOULD _NEVER_ BE LOADED ONTO A SYSTEM WHICH IS INVOLVED,
DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, WITH ON-LINE CONTROL EQUIPMENT IN HAZARDOUS
ENVIRONMENTS REQUIRING FAIL-SAFE PERFORMANCE, SUCH AS IN THE OPERATION OF
NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEMS, AIR
TRAFFIC CONTROL, DIRECT LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES, FOREIGN OR EXTRATERRESTRIAL
LANGUAGE TRANSLATION, OR WEAPONS SYSTEMS, IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE
SYSTEM OR THESE MATERIALS COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY OR THE
DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 96 03:50:04 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: .SQOTD - (.Sig Quote Of The Day) - James
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Mark James <trantor@linex.com>
The box said 'Requires Windows 95, or better.' So I bought a MacIntosh.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 97 17:24:19 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Congressional Brain Scan - in situ
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <kskanderson@kpmg.com>
Pulled from the Washington Post
Rep. James A. Traficant Jr. (R-Ohio) during a House debate last week on
immigration policy: "Let us look at the law, because most Americans believe
Congress needs a brain scan performed by a proctologist."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 96 00:34:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Advisor Language at the Thesis Defense
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Jocelyn G <jgagnon@refer.qc.ca>
Forwarded-by: Laporte Isabelle <laporti@ERE.UMontreal.CA>
Forwarded-by: Martin Miron <lmcmmir@LMC.Ericsson.SE>
Forwarded-by: Daniela Addona <lmcdaad>
Forwarded-by: "Tonia Sciannamblo" <TONIA@PENSIONS.Lan.McGill.CA>
Forwarded-by: "Natalie Brady" <Natalie_Brady@maclan.mcgill.ca>
WHAT YOUR ADVISOR SAYS WHAT YOUR ADVISOR MEANS
------------------------- --------------------------
Look at this as a learning You're going to suffer
experience
Let me explain the format of the Let me make you even more nervous.
defense.
I'm here to lend you support. I'm here to destroy you so you won't
look smarter than me.
I found the overall concept This is my token compliment before
interesting. ripping your idea to shreds.
I would like to have had more time I didn't read it.
to study this.
I have some concerns about the I hate the theory, but I can't insult
theory upon which your study is the author so I'll insult your work
based. instead.
There are some aspects of the I read it but I just don't remember
study that I would like to hear anything about it.
more about.
Your hypotheses are not strongly You came up with an innovative idea
enough linked to the existing and I want to make sure you never do
literature. it again.
Your research is an interesting Why didn't I think of this before you
extension of my own work. did?
You have failed to take into You failed to cite me.
account some of the more relevant
literature.
I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff
so you'll have to explain it to me.
Your statistical results don't I don't understand statistics.
seem to support your hypothesis.
Your selection of statistical I'm the only one here that understands
tests is rather simplistic. statistics and I wanted to rub it in.
How did you ensure that you had I had to come up with at least one
drawn a random sample? question and this one always works.
This is a great topic for your This is some grunge work that
thesis. will help me get tenure.
You will be ready to write up You have now become a useful slave,
soon, but need to do just one and I am not about to let you graduate
more experiment/program/chip. without doing more footwork for me.
Your funding is secure. Maybe.
Your funding is probably OK. Start worrying.
I'll see what we can do about Start looking for another advisor.
funding.
Think of this as an investment We're going to exploit you to the
in skills that will be useful gills.
to you in your later career.
Don't listen to XYZ, just Both XYZ and I are fools, but I'm
listen to me. funding you.
Let's wrap this up. I'm hungry.
Could you step out of the room We decided beforehand to give you your
while the committee comes to a degree, but we still want to make you
decision? sweat some more.
Write another chapter. Write another chapter.
[This is far too accurate.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 13 Dec 1996 11:13:21 -0800
From: wsturner@sdcc17.ucsd.edu (Wilson Turner)
Subject: ANSWERS! ANSWERS! MORE ANSWERS!!
Newsgroups: ucsd.buy+sell
To: undisclosed-recipients:;@cs.purdue.edu
END OF THE QUARTER BLOWOUT!!!
The quarter is over, and we have to liquidate all
'96 answers to make room for the '97s.
Here is just a sample of our HUGE selection:
*Short Answer*
Bipedalism, increased cranial capacity.
3.14
The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle
equals the sum of the squares of the remaining sides.
*Identification*
Moses
George Washington
Charles Lyell
Philadelphia
*Multiple Choice*
A
C
Hurry! Our prices are insane and our supply is limited!!!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 15:06:50 -0600
From: One of our correspondents
Subject: Australian loses sex drive after pig attack
To: spaf
SYDNEY, Nov 6 (AFP) - A man who lost his sex drive after being attacked
by a berserk pig was Thursday awarded more than 600,000 Australian dollars
(432,000 US) in damages.
Brian Pellow, 54, succeeded in a Supreme Court claim here for negligence
against Dawone Pty Ltd., proprietors of Jake's Piggery in New South Wales
state.
Justice John Dunford found Dawone failed to provide a safe system of
work when handling sows which had been mated and then placed in stalls to
be held while awaiting the birth of their piglets.
The court heard that on June 25, 1993, Pellow noticed a pig's collar had
come off and he entered its stall to put it back on.
"As he was doing so the sow, without warning, went berserk forcing him
back and sideways against the right hand side of the stall," Dunford found.
He said Pellow was unable to move for a short time, but later got up and
went for help.
Pellow saw a doctor the next day, but despite medical treatment and
physiotherapy between then and now he still suffered pain and restricted
movement in his lower back and left leg.
"He ... also has difficulty sleeping, driving his manual car and has
lost his libido," the judge said.
The court heard it usually took two people to handle a sow -- one behind
to prevent it backing out of the stall and the other in the pen with the
sow to connect a bolt used to tether the animal's collar lead to the front
of the stall.
"I am satisfied that (Dawone) was negligent in failing to provide a safe
system of work," the judge said.
He awarded Pellow 604,846 dollars.
[I went out with a girl like that once. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 19:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Cats
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Andrew Partan <asp@partan.com>
Forwarded-by: randy@psg.com (Randy Bush)
From: Marcello Truzzi <soc_truzzi@EMUVAX.EMICH.EDU>
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
After a great deal of experimentation, in which I used up two loaves of
Wonder Bread, a tub of Land 'O Lakes butter, and quite a few cats, I can
say that the results are inconclusive. 80% of the time, the cat landed on
its feet. I suspected however that this might be due to the disproportion
in the cat/buttered-toast masses. Increasing the number of slices of
buttered toast as well as decreasing the size of the cat seemed to bear
this supposition out. The closer the relative weights of cat:buttered
toast approached 1:1, the more the initial drop configuration (i.e. cat up
or down) seemed to influence the landing. My conclusion was that buttered
toast didn't work.
My observations however inspired me to try strapping two cats back-to-back
and dropping them. I discovered that if you work from a sufficient height
(a second-story balcony seems to do nicely), 30% of the time (on average)
one of the cats landed on its feet; however in the other 70% of the
trials, the two cats landed on their sides. This confirmed my
observations (of the cat+buttered toast experiments) that the assemblage
was capable of *rotating under its own power as it fell*. In other words,
angular momentum was being generated and this suggested that, if it could
be harnessed, it might prove to be a source of (relatively) clean and
cheap energy.
I tested this hypothesis a few times with FOUR cats strapped to a 4-by-4
beam dropped from a height of ten meters. Unfortunately the muscular
energy of just four cats proved to be insufficient to cause the mass of
the beam to rotate at all. An 8-cp (eight cat-power) assemblage with a
four-cat array strapped at either end of such a beam should, in theory,
work; but trials have revealed that, with this many cats involved, their
individual efforts to land feet-first are cancelled out because the cats
don't all try to right themselves in the same direction or at the same
time. Although some angular motion does occur, it is erratic at best.
I intend to continue this research by experimenting with lighter,
composite-material beams and also with better ways of timing and
coordinating cat-effort delivery and will be getting on with it just as
soon as the suspicions of the neighborhood's (former) cat-owners have been
allayed and a new supply of cats is available.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 96 17:33:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Computer Voodoo
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[I would not be the first to point out that the computer has given rise to a
new priesthood. One of the ways any priesthood protects its power is by
keeping secret the particularly useful spells, incantations, or rituals of
their magic. Here, for the first time, is a peek inside the Book of Computer
Spells... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Dan Tenenbaum <dante@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Naomi Shapiro
How to perform Voodoo using computers
Revenge
1. Pain: scan a photograph of your enemy, then compress the file over and
over until it is one K. [warning: may not work on people with bad acne -psl]
2. Death: scan a photograph of your enemy to disk, then take a bath with
the disk. Slip the wet disk under your enemy's back door. They will come
to a swift death within a week of discovering the disk.
Love
1. spell check your full name, accepting the computer's first suggestion
for each name. Make a text file of this name repeated for seven pages.
Save the file seven times to the same disk (with different version
names), then put the disk in a place where the loved one will probably
pick it up and use it. It must be in a format that will need to be
initialized when the object of your desire tries to use it.
GUARANTEED TO WORK
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 13:11:16 -0800
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.COM>
Subject: Don't Touch That Switch
To: spaf@purdue.EDU
Date: Thu, 05 Dec 96 18:13:54 -0500
From: "Rick Simpson" <simpson@watson.ibm.com>
Subject: Don't touch this switch!
Today I attended a meeting in a large office building of a Major
Computer Company. As I entered the conference room, the organizer of
the meeting was trying to find a way to lower the projection screen
from its storage place in the ceiling. There was no cord attached, so
he was searching for a switch for the screen's motor.
On the wall next to the door was a push-button switch, brightly
backlit in red, with a hand-written sign that read, "Don't touch this
switch." (Also scribbled on the sign, in another hand, was "Don't
touch" in Spanish.) The organizer seemed to think this might control
the screen, so he pressed the button. Needless to say, the screen did
not descend. The ventilation fans went off, though.
Several minutes later, a fellow poked his head in the door and asked,
"Did someone touch that switch?" [Just like in a cartoon, isn't it?]
"Yes," the organizer said, "we were trying to get the screen down."
"Don't touch the switch," said the man in the door, "It turns off the
computer room next door."
The conference room was evidently once part of a raised-floor machine room,
and the Emergency Power Off switch next to the door is still active.
[As Gallagher would have said, there was a switch marked "brightness"
but turning it up didn't help. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: 11/05/97- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>
Attorney General Janet Reno charged Microsoft with trying to monopolize
access to the Internet and has asked a federal court to fine the company
a million dollars per day. Analysts say at this rate, Bill Gates will be
broke just 10 years after the earth crashes into the sun.
-- Norm MacDonald on SNL
Jerry Brown announced he is running for mayor of Oakland, and Bay Area
newspapers said he has a 50% approval rating among California college
voters surveyed on Friday. "So many space cadets. So few comets."
(Argus Hamilton)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 96 16:37:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Fun_People: E-mail we never quite finished reading
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
Forwarded by: CCDEMP@ccmail.monsanto.com
THE JOY AND THRILL OF A MAMMOGRAM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually
say the word "breast".
Mammograms require your breast to do gymnastics. If you have extremely
agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much
hang around doing nothing in particular, so they will be woefully
unprepared.
You can prepare for a mammogram right in the comfort of your home by
using these simple exercises!
MAMMOGRAM EXERCISES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Exercise 1: (Beginner)
Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either
will do) between the two bookends and squash the bookends together as
hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
Exercise 2: (Intermediate)
Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer.
...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 96 21:41:18 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Golf Again
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Cochell, Jim" <jim_cochell@penmetrics.com>
Andy and Pete were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two
attractive ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap,
lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on
through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, Andy said: "I think I'll walk
up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked up the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around,
and came back, explaining: "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife
and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
So Pete took off toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as Andy had
done, stopped, turned around, and walked back. In reply to Andy's quizzical
look he said only: "Small world."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 97 17:43:22 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Great, Scott! - New Product Report
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Leithiser <cleithis@bc.cc.ca.us>
EAST FILABUCKET, NY /DenounceNewswire/ -- October 30, 1997 --
Kimberly-Clark, makers of the popular Scott brand of bathroom tissue, today
announced its new "HTTP://" brand of bathroom tissue targeted directly to
the 90's "digerati" market.
Scott Tissue is the world's oldest and best-selling bathroom tissue,
available in more countries than any other brand of tissue. Introduced in
1913, Scott Tissue is soft, strong and long lasting with 1,000-sheet rolls.
The new "HTTP://" (pronounced "H,T,T,P Colon Slash Slash") tissue will be
available in one kilosheet (1024 sheet) rolls instead of the traditional
1000-sheet rolls. "If our test markets are any indicator, the 1K rolls
should be a big hit with not only the geeks on the go, but also geeks who've
got to go!"
Each sheet of the 1K-sheet rolls of "HTTP://" Tissue will feature a
different image from a popular web page. The web page images are provided
by a number of sponsors, most notably Microsoft Corporation, the lead
sponsor with over 256 sheets displaying different screen shots from the
company's various web sites. In a bold marketing move, Microsoft and
Kimberly-Clark agreed to co-market the "HTTP://" Tissue with the slogan,
"When Do You Want to Go Today?"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 96 19:30:54 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Humor from the Gastroenterologist'S Office
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out what the
title has to do with the story... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Andrew Lippman <lip@mit.edu>
Mayor Blum has a very fat wife and one day she gets stuck on the toilet.
He tries to pull her off, but she falls back and gets stuck even worse.
Try as he might, he just can't get her loose. Finally he decides to call
the fire department.
But the problem is, she's bashful. So he grabs the nearest thing to hand,
a yarmulke, and puts it in place to preserve her modesty before the fire
deparment arrives.
Well, they come, and he nervously awaits their news downstairs. After a
few minutes work, the chief comes down and tells him the news: "Looks like
we can save your wife, but the rabbi is a goner."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: i HATE grading finals
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
one of the classes is an assembly language/computer organization
course.
Q. Explain when one should consider using assembly language and why.
A. when the person is take csxxx class, he/she has to using assembly
language to do the homeworks. The reason why csxxx is requirement
class for all computer science major students
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Don Fitzpatrick <shoptalk@tvspy.com>
Speaking as a blond, let me tell you you're going to have to
get used to being treated as a sex object. I mean, I had to
gain weight, get a middle-management job, and get these goofy
glasses just to be taken seriously.
-- Drew Carey, on "The Drew Carey Show"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Lepu's Numbers.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@swip.net>
Forwarded-by: Mats Persson <matpe@ida.liu.se>
From: alberto%sole@Sun.COM (Alberto Savoia)
Newsgroups: sci.math
Subject: Biographies of lesser mathematicians #1
Keywords: Lepu', Lepu's Numbers, LN
Biographies of lesser mathematicians #1
Gerard Lepu'
Gerard Lepu' was born February 31, 1889 in the small Danish town of
Leipxingburger. At age 23 he was already showing considerable
mathematical talent by balancing checkbooks on his nose. After graduating
from primary school at age 27 he enrolled at LJC (Leipxingburger Junior
College) where he managed to pull off a C- in trigonometry in his first
quarter by tattoeing every trigonometric formula known to man on his left
forearm.
Encouraged by his early successes he took Calculus I, and failed it four
times, after which he realized that the tests and quizzes given out where
the same every quarter and managed to pass the seventh time with a C-.
With the help of several general education courses, Lepu' graduated with
an AA in Math at the tender age of 42. For the next three years Lepu'
audited several courses because he was still unclear on several matters,
in particular differentiation of e^x, the +- in the quadratic formula and
the concept of 'area-under-a-curve'.
Once reassured on the above technicalities he proceeded to compose and
send out 120 resumes', forgetting to include his name and address in every
single one.
Eventually Lepu' managed to get a job as a mathematician for the SDD
(Swiss Defense Department), his main responsibility was forecasting the
need for army boots and the distribution of the various sizes. Due to a
incorrect long-division, omission of a '-' sign, and a statistical sample
based on his wife's and 3 year old daughter's feet, the SDD received
180,000 pairs of army boots ranging in size from a 3 to a 4. After
attempting to excuse himself by blaming Poisson's distributions he was
fired.
Without the burden of a job Lepu' decided to use his inheritance to retire
and work on mathematical problems for the rest of his life.
His major contribution is Lepu's Numbers (LN) which he discovered quite
accidentally while practicing the multiplication tables.
Lepu's numbers are, to put it simply, numbers that are easy to for Lepu'
to use. The following is a quote from Lepu's unpublished paper:
"Let X, no N, be a number, any number. Then X, I mean N, is a
Lepu Number (LN) if, but only if, the number is easy for me to
divide into, or out-to, of."
He proceeded to give numerous examples of LN, accompanied by very confused
and subjective arguments.
"1 is a LN because it is very easy to divide or multiply, even
with a non LN. For example, 7, which I really dislike, when
multiplied by 1 is still 7, which I still do not like."
"2 is also a very LN number, but not as much as 1"
Lepu' experienced major problems with the number 3, classifying it as a
LN, only to remove it from the list again and again when he found a number
that did not divide easily into it:
"3 is small enough and 3/3, 6/3 and 9/3 are all pretty easy for
me to do, hencefore 3 is a LN"
and later
"3 is a bastard because 10, which is a very nice LN, does not
divide into it easily. When I attempt 10/3 I get
3.337333133393353337331 which, in my humble opinion has too many
3s in it so there must be something wrong with it"
The tremendous strain that LN put on Lepu' led him to an early death at
63. The executors of his estate collected all of his notes which included
several lists of LN which, with the exclusion of the numbers 1 and 2, were
full of contradiction.
I hope you enjoyed this mini biography. Next time Luigi Minestrone who
spent the last part of his life, and several tons of paper, in an attempt
to count 'countable-infinity'.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Nov 1997 17:06:32 -0500
From: Fred Douglis <douglis@research.att.com>
Subject: making the rounds
To: spaf
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs,
says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just
from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck
drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around
his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not
to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are
in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has
ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering
what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting
away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 10:00:05 -0500
From: "Roberts, Robin" <rroberts@btg.com>
Subject: math
To: "'spaf@cs.purdue.edu'" <spaf>
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as
business executives. Now follows a rigorous mathematical
Proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
---------- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power,
and Time = Money, we have
Work
----------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
------------------- = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates
dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this
proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career
to the pursuit of ignorance.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 96 14:03:05 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Math Knowledge and the American Public
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[For some reason this reminds me of the O.J. Simpson case... -psl]
Forwarded-by: <archtop.com!joev@orange.metron.com>
Forwarded-by: garren@teleport.com (Alan Garren)
MATH KNOWLEDGE
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant in
Portland, Oregon, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the
American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate
while Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll
ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll
pick up dinner. If not, you do. Okay?" They agreed, but once he'd left,
Joe called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question;
you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got
that? There's five bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over. "The food
was wonderful," he started, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of
x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked
around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to
sweat) and finally said, "um, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and an
irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 96 11:52:39 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Pinpoint Marketing
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: joev@archtop.com
Forwarded-by: hglatzer@echonyc.com (Hal Glatzer)
Forwarded-by: "Saul Feldman" <sfeldman@sirius.com>
A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the
first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle
poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made.
The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!"
says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's
that pop every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle
nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. The guide
replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 05:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"It is fairly clear that the status of Stanford University within the
linguistic sciences at present is roughly comparable to the status of
Gengis Khan in Asia during the mid-thirteenth century, except that
Stanford has vastly better computational resources than were available
to the mongol empire, while Gengis Khan certainly had superior numbers
of horses (but no postdocs)."
- Geoffrey K. Pullum, _A memo from the Vice Chancellor_
Submitted by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Oct. 8, 1996
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 05:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit."
- The U.S. Army's PS magazine, August 1993 [The submitter notes: "I saw
the quote atop the chapter on "Exceptions" in the book "The Java
Programming Language" by Ken Arnold and James Gosling, Addison-Wesley
Publishing Company,Inc., 1996, p 133."]
Submitted by: sbracha@fractals.fractals.com (Serach Bracha's account)
Jul. 25, 1996
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Sig 'O The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Debbie Ridpath Ohi http://www.inkspot.com/~ohi/
ohi@inkspot.com "Not tonight dear, I have a modem."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 96 03:46:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Stink Bait
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: harly@cld.canon.co.jp (Harley Ferguson)
Do you know what Stink Bait is? Stink Bait is the best bait for catching
catfish. (Some people may argue that dried chicken blood is as good, but
don't believe them.) Stink Bait is very popular with Oklahoma fishermen.
Stink Bait is made mainly by taking approximately equal parts of liver and
limburger cheese, and running them through a meat grinder. (There may be
some other "secret" ingredients, but I ain't saying here). Then you
half-fill a sturdy glass bottle. (Dad's was a two gallon bottle I think)
and bury it for a couple of days to ferment. You then dig it up, stir it
down (It will have filled the bottle) and bury it again. You repeat this
process until it has stabilized or blows up before (or when) you dig it up.
It is a dirty brown semi-liquid stinking mess that looks a little like your
worst nightmare after a very bad weekend, and smells even worse. But catfish
love it!
To use it you put sponge on a treble hook and dip the sponged hook into the
bait. In fishing for cat you don't use a float, just a sinker about 6-10"
from the hook and tight-line fish on the bottom.
When I was a kid I had a friend named George Rankin. His dad was also a
stink bait fisherman. Now, you probably know that until a few years ago,
people in the north didn't eat much catfish. It was mainly a southern dish.
Well George's dad, Odel, took a business trip to Chicago and took George
with him. As fishermen are wont to do, they took a break from business and
went fishing. Since Stink Bait is irresistible to catfish, and people didn't
fish them much anyway, George and his dad were pulling them in right and
left. Another fellow was fishing close by, but not for cat. He got real
interested though, and finally asked what they were using for bait. Odel
pointed to his bait jar, an old peanut butter jar.
George and his dad came back to the same spot the next day and the guy was
there again. Odel said, "Having any luck?" The guy replied, "Nothing,
Nothing at all, I don't understand. I'm using exactly the same brand of
peanut butter you were !"
[Oddly enough, I have encountered some perfumes & colognes that I could
swear would attract catfish. Hard to explain some kinds of bait, I
guess. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 97 19:25:25 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Sue & Sally
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Otermat, Dennis E" <Dennis.Otermat@unisys.com>
Forwarded-by: JokeMaven@aol.com
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each
other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on
every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies
"It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really
Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." Oh, sure,"
says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 11:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: That's the way (Unh-hunh Unh-hunh) I like it (Unh-hunh Unh-hunh)
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Scott Patrick <transplex@pol.net>
From: "Jim Rosenberg" <jrosenberg@usa.net>
A concert featuring the Bee Gees, K.C. and the Sunshine Band
and other disco stars of the '70s to mark the 20th anniversary
of the seminal movie "Saturday Night Fever" was canceled
Saturday when rainwater leaked into the Brooklyn nightclub where
the movie had been shot. Now, is there anyboyd out there who
still doesn't believe in God?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Nov 97 11:34:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 11/10/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Excerpted-from: 11/10/97 -- ShopTalk
Monday November 10, 1997
"If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet
you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types,
but every last one of them would know the theme song from the
'Beverly Hillbillies'.
- Dave Barry
"November is National Impotency Month, increasing awareness of a condition
that can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and a tendency to not allow
American weapons inspectors into your country." (Zack Taylor, Westwood One)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 96 11:33:49 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The N. Y. Times on the war between Mac and DOS.
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
Forwarded-by: Kerry Adams
"DOS computers, manufactured by millions of companies, are by far the most
popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans,
on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than
humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
-The New York Times, November 26, 1991
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 96 16:57:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Vegas Cabbie
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
Forwarded-by: asamson@zenith.att.com Thu Dec 19 16:59:29 1996
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but the return half of his roundtrip
ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So
he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. As
they drove off he explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his driver's license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie
pulled over and said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen
dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to
hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the back
end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman decided he would make
the guy pay for his lack of charity.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to
the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for
you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at
the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok"
and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,
the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 96 03:53:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Unintended Insight #726
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: DWSOLOMONS@aol.com
1. Our Choir mistress was trying to explain that the altos had to sing only
those notes written with the stems pointing *downwards*, even though they
might sometimes be higher than the sopranos' notes. "Remember", she said,
"the sopranos are the ones with their legs in the air!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Well, *duh*!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: John Kunze <jak@ckm.ucsf.edu>
To: uri@bunyip.com
Subject: minor fix for url-syntax-02
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 18:15:21 -0800
From: "Roy T. Fielding" <fielding@liege.ICS.UCI.EDU>
This is from Gisle Aas <aas@bergen.sn.no>. The regular expression
in Appendix B can be slightly simplified from
^(([^/?#]+):)?(//([^/?#]*))?([^?#]*)?(\?([^#]*))?(#(.*))?
^
redundant
to
^(([^/?#]+):)?(//([^/?#]*))?([^?#]*)(\?([^#]*))?(#(.*))?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 96 12:41:00 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Where's a Physical Therapist When You Need One?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[Yet another golf story! -psl]
Forwarded-by: Todd Darland <Todd_Darland/SMT/GHI.GHI@lgrsmtp1.grayhill.com>
Where is a physical therapist when you need one?
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just
allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed
her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." he replied. "But my
thumb still hurts like hell!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 18:51:15 -0800
From: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Excertped from WhiteBoard News for Monday, December 09, 1996
Tucson, Arizona:
"What can I do with a herd of javelinas I have in my
basement?"
Tucson police never know what kind of question is going
to come up next on the police information line that
became operational in July.
But here are some samples from a diary that officers at
the main police headquarters have kept for the last
five months.
Under the heading of "needs a dictionary": "How do you
call 88-CRIME? I've been calling 88-KRIME."
Soap and hot water might have helped: "I'm calling you
because I don't know who else to call. I'm infested with
lice. They're all over my clothes, all over my apartment,
and all over me. They've gotten into my nose and ears
now. But I just now noticed them. What can I do?"
Posterior blues: "My butt hurts. Can I call paramedics
for that? Or do I have to have diarrhea first?"
Overdue relative: "I need to make a missing person
report on a family member. I haven't seen him since he
was 16. He should be 45 now."
Skin problem: "Does the police have free tattoo removals?"
Rocket scientists needed: "Can you tell me why my
carbon monoxide detector is going off?"
Timely response: "I was assaulted at a bar two years
ago. Is it too late to make a report?"
Big water bill: "There's a lot of water in my front
yard. What can you do about it? It's been getting worse
the past 34 years.
Free pooper scooper: "Caller wanted to know where the
K-9 (dog) unit was, because he wanted to volunteer to
clean the kennels."
Missing parent: "My dad is playing bingo and he hasn't
come home. Can you tell him to come home?"
The officers decided to keep the diary for their own
amusement - kind of like TV bloopers, said Tucson
Police Sergeant Ruthanne Pence, swing shift supervisor
at the main police station.
"We call them inappropriate or sometimes funny calls.
We get a lot of strange calls, but then we did before
we established that line," Pence said.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 97 01:52:35 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Yesterday - not by the Beatles
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[If this doesn't remind you of a painful moment in your past, then you
probably still have an unpleasant lesson ahead of you... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Matthew in Cairo-W <mkleinosky@bigfoot.com>
Forwarded-by: Dave Lewis, Bangla-F***ing-Desh
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------