Yucks Digest V7 #20 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Fri, 31 Oct 97       Volume 7 : Issue  20 

Today's Topics:
         ... did not include any form of the word "empower".
                       Animal Hard-luck Stories
                          Applicant Testing
                  Best Emergency Room Story of 1995
  Bob Marley once confessed to shooting the deputy AND the sheriff.
                         Confusion O' The Day
                  East/West Coast translation table.
                         Highly-Tuned Senses
                         Humor:  The Big Two?
                    Is my Scottish Blood Showing?
                        It's that time again.
            I wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole
                       Life in the Lounge Lane
         Microsoft refuses to pay $1 Million/day fine but...
         Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes.
                           Musical Condoms
                             Need A Man?
                              Papal Bull
                     Putting savings to good use
                           Quote of the day
            The altruistic barber, a fable for our times.
 The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
           The Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention
                        The Sacrifice of Isaac
             The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper
              We haven't been punished in a long time...
                    Yiddishkeit - The Devout Pooch
                   You know you live in SF when...

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... did not include any form of the word "empower".
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@storz.com (Alan Ritter)
Forwarded-by: "Aaron Schuman" <schuman@kaweah.mti.sgi.com>

Jeff Drummond <jjd@cray.com> writes:

Top Ten reasons that Dinosaurs died out ...

10. Evolutionary dates kept slipping.
 9. Over-reliance on programming languages from the Paleozoic era.
 8. Demand for large Dinosaurs leveled-off and attempts to stimulate interest
    by producing small Dinosaurs were not successful.
 7. Nocturnal scavenger market was ceded to mammals on the mistaken notion that
    it was a low-volume, dead-end niche.
 6. Total Quality Management.
 5. Inability to effectively utilize massively-parallel evolution.
 4. "Restructuring" eliminated asteroid tracking and disaster planning groups.
 3. Loss of popular and articulate Tyrannosaurus Rex to the public sector.
 2. Dinosaur Mission Statement did not include any form of the word "empower".

And the number one reason that Dinosaurs died out...

 1. Extraneous barrier_wait() call at the KT (Cretaceous/Tertiary) boundary.


Date: Thu, 16 Jan 97 15:46:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Animal Hard-luck Stories
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Brian Smith <bdws@eskimo.com>
Forwarded-by: Karen Downing <karend@microsoft.com>

A cat, a rabbit, and a bug are talking about how badly humans treat them:

"They use cat gut to make music," meows the kitty nervously.

"They cut off our feet for good-luck charms," twitches the bunny.

"I guess we don't have it so bad after all," says the bug. "They just stuff
us into boxes in Redmond."


Date: Sun, 19 Jan 97 13:34:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Applicant Testing
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: pollack@conxion.com (Gerry Pollack)

A man from New York's lower east side went for a job interview with one of
the major blue chip computer companies.  At the end of the interview came
a simple test. The interviewer drew six vertical lines on a piece of paper
and placed it in front of the New Yorker.  "Could you please show me a
clever way to make these six into nine?"

After thinking for a while the New Yorker took the pencil and drew a canopy
of leaves on top of each pair of lines, and handed the paper back to the

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the New Yorker, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"

The irritated interviewer decided not to argue the point and instead handed
the paper back to the New Yorker and said "Okay then, make it ninety nine."

After thinking for a longer while the New Yorker scribbled up and down the
trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawing and said: "What?  That is not ninety
nine!"  "Sure it is", said the New Yorker, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty
tree make ninety nine."

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the New
Yorker once and for all; he handed the paper back to the New Yorker and
said, "Okay, now make it one hundred."

After thinking considerably longer the New Yorker took the pencil and drew
a little dark blop on the bottom right hand side of each tree and handed
the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer once again looked at the paper and said: "No, no, no!  That
is not 100." "Oh yes, it most soitinly is", said the New Yorker, "Dirty
tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!"


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 97 00:58:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Best Emergency Room Story of 1995
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[There were 5 stories in this group to start, 2 were pretty lame, two were  
pretty bloody, and, er,  this is the remaining one...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <mkleinosky@bigfoot.com>
Forwarded-by: Jackiepett@aol.com

Best Emergency Room Stories of 1995

La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center
after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing
all over the house," he said later.  "He must have dragged it into the
shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right
on the thing."  The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact
that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.  "He was
a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe.  "Tony
just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.  Three times
during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it
that just had us rolling on the floor.   By the time we finished, we really
did expect to find an answering machine in there"


Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Bob Marley once confessed to shooting the deputy AND the sheriff.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: chuck yerkes <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <alex@snew.com>

                       October 20, 1997
           The Top 16 Little-Known Pop Music Facts

16> Approximately 5% of people who visit the Hard Rock Cafe go there
    for the food.
15> Bob Marley once confessed to shooting the deputy AND the sheriff,
    but in a special government deal, only plead guilty to the lesser
    count of "jammin'."
14> Mariah Carey is not only a pop diva, she has her own Amway distributorship.
13> Remarkably, the Grateful Dead NEVER did drugs, although Jerry
    Garcia did have a penchant for poppy seed bagels.
12> The Turtles?  Happier *apart*, actually.
11> Contrary to popular belief, John Tesh's music DOES NOT suck --
    Technically, what he performs cannot legally be classified as
10> During performances, Tom Jones keeps Michael Jackson's original
    nose in his pants.
9> Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" was written in nineteen minutes
   after a particularly breathtaking tryst with then-British Prime
   Minister Margaret Thatcher.
8> Fiona Apple's real name?  Fiona Pomegranate!
7> If all the Spice Girls CD's sold so far were laid end-to-end, it
   would be easier to run them over with my car.
6> Old social cause of 60's rockers: arms control.  New social cause
   of 60's rockers: bladder control.
5> Rejected Spice Girl "Grotesque Spice" none other than Marilyn
4> During the wedding ceremony of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie,
   Elvis spun in his grave at a perfect 45 RPM.
3> The Spice Girls?  All transvestites, and Julliard grads, to boot!
2> Early in their respective careers, Michael Jackson won the title,
   "King of Pop", from Bobby Goldsboro in a poker game.

   and the Number 1 Little-Known Pop Music Fact...

1> Village Person "The Senator"?  None other than Jesse Helms.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]


Date: Wed, 22 Jan 1997 19:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Confusion O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: George Neville-Neil <gnn@wrs.com>
Forwarded-by: "Dean Estes" <deane@organum.mti.sgi.com>

A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,  "Well, honey, God
is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"  At
this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey,
God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly
asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"


Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: East/West Coast translation table.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: chuck yerkes <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <alex@snew.com>

[Found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.]

Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
customers, or other divisions on the left coast.

East Coast                     West Coast
============================   =================================
absolutely not                 maybe
yes                            maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe  Joe's working on the problem
bozo                           subcontractor
brawl                          design review
dictator                       facilitator
do it and do it now            can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired    I'm confident you'll get it done
fuck off                       trust me
follow the spec                is there a spec?
get out of my office           let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk                    he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate             he's a team player
I'll cover your ass            consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new           I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar                      offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot     let's take that discussion offline
oh shit                        thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned                   robust
punch his lights out           constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up               thank you for your input
shut up a minute               let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent     let me build on that point
unemployed                     consulting
over budget                    on schedule
under budget                   we haven't started yet
we finished early              (no translation available)
we're done                     how do you feel about that?
what's your problem?           I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec?              what's a spec?
where's the schedule?          what's the game plan?
your plan sucks                let me share my feelings on this plan


Date: Wed, 29 Oct 97 15:53:45 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Highly-Tuned Senses
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[Back in 1965 I got to spend some time with (blind musician) Doc Watson
 while he was touring in Portland Oregan.  At that time, the old silver
 half-dollar coins (and quarters) were being replaced with new "sandwich"
 coins.  Doc was interested in collecting the old silver coins and could
 identify the denomination and construction of a whole pocketful of coins by
 the sound they made dropping on a table.  I have a photo of Doc and a group
 of us sitting around a table, dropping coins; we all have our eyes closed
 and a look of intense concentration; Doc is laughing indulgently...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Rich Hartness <hartness@vnet.net>

	Highly Tuned Senses

A lady shuffles into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to
give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help
you ma'am ?"

"I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she says.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I'm blind and can't see the rod
you're referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell
you all about it from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and drops it on the counter.

He says "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another rod and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight
tackle - $20."

Very impressed, the lady decides to buy the second one.

As they are walking over to the cash register, the lady passes gas, making
a rather large noise, but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is
blind and has no idea who she is.

The salesman says, "That'll be $25 plus tax."


"That's right ma'am, it's $20 for the rod, and $3 for the duck call, and
$2 for the Extra-Power fish bait."


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 18:07:14 -0700
From: Fred Clegg <Fred.Clegg@mri.com>
Subject: Humor:  The Big Two?
To: js@cup.hp.com, Robert Hooper <bhooper@ibm.net>, CcharlieS@aol.com, nkuhn@softnet.com, nkuhn@best.com, laubach@com21.com, emily@aslcpa.com, wendyp@cisco.com, fred.carlin@juno.com, bberg@bswd.com, Legatt@aecom.yu.edu, spaf

The Big Two?

In a shock announcement earlier this morning leading
accountancy firm Arthur Andersen Binder Hamlyn KPMG Deloitte
& Touche announced that it had entered negotiations in a
complex deal to acquire Microsoft, Nike, and McDonalds.

AABHKPMGD&T World Chairman Hiram J Smith III, speaking from
New York, announced that this would make AABHKPMGD&T the
leading professional services firm in the world.

Products Group News accountancy editor Bobette Spruce
writes: AABHKPMGD&T have succeeded in their global ambition
to be the the world's leading professional services firm, a
position they held recently until being leap frogged by
Coopers Ernst Lybrand Price Waterhouse & Young on their
acquisition of Pepsi, Sony, and Exxon.

However in a shock revelation later in the day CELPW & Y
announced a revolutionary outsourcing deal to acquire the
Chinese People's Revolutionary Army.

Speaking from New York,  CELPW & Y  World CEO John Walton IX
said the new merged firm would have 15 million professional
staff, 15,000 main battle tanks, 4,500 fixed wing combat
aircraft and 85 hunter-killer attack submarines.   He added
"We would very strongly warn AABHKPMGD&T not to threaten our
position as World No. 1 Professional Services Firm."


Date: Wed, 15 Jan 97 17:19:34 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Is my Scottish Blood Showing?
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "Michael Stadler" <Michael.Stadler@tpl.org>

A Scot in full kilt regalia entered a pharmacy, stepped up to the counter
and asked the price of a condom.  The pharmacist answered that it depended
on the brand, but $2.00 to $3.00 was fairly typical.  The Scot furrowed his
brow, thanked the pharmacist, and left.

The next day the same Scot returned to ask what it would cost to repair a
condom.  "Repair!?!" replied the stunned pharmacist.  "Repair." said the
Scot.  "I dunno! I suppose 50 to 75 cents."  Again, the Scot thanked him,
turned on his heel, and walked out.

Several days passed.  Once again, the Scot strode into the store and
approached the counter.  The bemused pharmacist asked whether a decision
had yet been made.  "It has indeed!  The Brigade has voted to repair."


Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: It's that time again.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Daniel V Klein <dvk@lonewolf.com>

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex:

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
 6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
    because you ARE someone else.
 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2. Less guilt the next morning.
 1. You can 'do' the whole neighborhood!!


Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1997 09:34:20 -0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: I wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole
Newsgroups: rec.travel.air
To: psa@acm.org, bostic@bsdi.com, spaf

Posted-by: "Ens Mort"@aol.com
=>  I have a metal penial implant and I was wondering how should I go about
=> this at the airport security checkpoint.
=> James Reed
=> Ens Mort@aol.com

[Things not to do:
   1) Declare it as a "weapon"
   2) Ask to have it hand-checked


Date: Sun, 19 Jan 97 01:25:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Life in the Lounge Lane
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Paul & Joan Blumstein <pbjb@cinenet.net>

After the handsome tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge,
he beckoned the waitress back and said in a very soft voice, "Miss, would
you give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"  gasped the girl.
But she smiled and added, "Sure, why not?  It's pretty slow here right now,
so let's go!"

When the pair returned an hour later, the man returned to the table where
his drink was still waiting.  The waitress gave him a wink and asked, "And
will there be anything else? "

"Yes, ma'am" replied the tourist.  "In Virginia we take awa bourbon and
water cold... Now I'll really need a piece of ass for my drink..."


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 17:56:46 -0400
From: Balachander <bala@research.att.com>
Subject: Microsoft refuses to pay $1 Million/day fine but...
To: systems

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will
be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that
changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly
owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July
of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4
1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and
will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to
Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went
on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".  Clinton will
reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as
U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on
to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.  "Microsoft
isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft
representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens
will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and
discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United
States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.


Date: Wed, 29 Oct 1997 14:36:16 -0500 (EST)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: MSNPR
To: spaf

This was in the morning mail.  Film at 11...

> REDMOND, WASHINGTON (AP) - Only three and a half days into its
> semi-annual plea for money, National Public Radio abruptly halted
> its pledge drive.  A new corporate sponsor, identified only as "a
> ruthless software behemoth," has agreed to sponsor the group of
> stations, asking for only minor concessions in return.  The new
> public corporation will be known as MSNPR, and will broadcast
> information regarding its products and services for 3 minutes out
> of every quarter hour.  New programs to be added the '98 broadcast
> schedule are:
>     "The Redmond Philharmonic Orchestra"
>     A panel discussion, "Point - PowerPoint"
>     "FrontPage", a news hour
>     "Word", an R&B music program hosted by The Notorious N.T.
>     Motivational business speakers, in "Excel!"
>     "Bill's Children's Hour", for the kiddies
>     A humor show, "Back at the Office"
>     "Putting Up Windows", with Bob Vila
> Should you experience trouble with the reception of any of these
> programs, MSNPR recommends you turn your radio off and back on
> again.


Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 11:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Ginger Ogle <ginger@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Joyce Grosz <joyceg@cs.berkeley.edu>,

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the
ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked
him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the
symphony in gereral, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded
duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of
sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be
an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded
up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use
paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages
were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his
 musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have
stopped there.  The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the


Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 14:31:58 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Musical Condoms
To: yucks

> British inventor Nick Munyas gave the world a melodious prophylactic,
> which contains a tiny computer chip that produces thirty seconds of music
> when exposed to a combo of heat and friction.
> -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
>         Top 10 least appropriate songs for the musical condom
> 10.   'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad' by Meatloaf
>  9.   'It's A Small World After All'
>  8.   '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover' by Paul Simon
>  7.    anything from 'Cats'
>  6.   'Only 16' by Dr. Hook
>  5.   'Evil Woman' by ELO
>  4.   'Masochism Tango' by Tom Lehrer
>  3.   'Short People' by Randy Newman
>  2.   'Dude Looks Like a Lady' by Aerosmith
> And the number one least appropriate song for the musical condom...
>  1.   the Minute Waltz


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 97 08:47:19 -0800
From: donna.lantello@ast.com
Subject: Need A Man?
To: <spaf>

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in
sex anymore.  Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years.  Have you ever seen me this 
upset? I am desperate!  I can't think; I can't concentrate; my 
life is  going utterly to hell!  You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of 
pills.  "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.  These are experimental; 
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.  Don't give 
her more than ONE, understand?  Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One.  No more.  In her coffee.  Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his 
wife has dinner waiting.  When dinner is finished, she goes to
the kitchen to bring dessert.  Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the 
pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.  He 
reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.  And 
then he begins to worry.  The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes--he drops one pill into his own 
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation.  Sure 
enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, 
sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes.  In
a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her 
use before, she says, "I... need... a man..."
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.." 


Date: Fri, 17 Jan 1997 17:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Papal Bull
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

From: Pope-Pourri, by John Dollison

The popes, like Jesus, are conceived by their mothers through the
overshadowing of the Holy Ghost.  All popes are a certain species
of man-god.... All powers in heaven, as well as on earth, are given
to them.
		-- Pope Stephen V (885-891)

The doctrine of the double motion of the earth about its axis and
about the sun is false, and contrary to holy scripture.
		-- Pope Paul V (1605-1621)

Benito Mussolini is ... a gift from Providence, a man free from the
prejudices of the politicians of the liberal school.
		-- Pope Pius XI (1922-1939)

From the polluted fountain of indifferentism flows that absurd and
erroneous doctrine, or rather, raving, which claims and defends
liberty of conscience for everyone.  From this comes, in a word,
the worst plague of all, namely, unrestrained liberty of opinion
and freedom of speech.... It is in no way lawful to demand, to defend,
or to grant unconditional freedom of thought, or speech, of writing,
or of religion, as if they were so many rights that nature has given
to man.
		-- Pope Gregory XVI (1831-1846)

I would have made a good Pope.
		-- Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)


Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 19:28:42 -0800
From: raymondc@microsoft.com (Raymond Chen)
Subject: Putting savings to good use
To: yucks

[ Background: KIRO is a local TV station.  The rest should be clear
  from context. ]

From: Joshua Trupin <joshuat@microsoft.com>
Date: Monday, October 27, 1997 11:35 AM

This morning, I was watching KIRO as they did a story
about the mountain climber who's missing on Mt. Rainier. The reporter
said (paraphrased as close to the original as I can):

"One break they're getting is that because Daylight Savings Time
just ended, daylight begins earlier, so the searchers can get out and
start looking an hour sooner."


Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 03:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)

"...When I hear that someone's been eaten by a crocodile or a shark, I just
 get all gooey.  I start salivating.  I'm fascinated by it.  If I had to get
 tortured by a human being or eaten by a shark, I'd take the croc any
 day of the week.  The reason is that it's not personal.  You were lunch."

 - obviously troubled singer Tori Amos

    Submitted by: Jim Goldman <jimphynn@mindspring.com>


Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Signage
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>

At my local butcher shop, Fowles, in Newburyport, MA:

	These items may or may not be available at all times
	and sometimes not at all and other times all the time.

At a London butcher shop about 12 years ago:

	You read the book,
	You saw the movie,
	Now eat the cast!


Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: The altruistic barber, a fable for our times.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@dqd.com>
Forwarded-by: Sheppard <xie@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: Morgan Kuzio <mkuz@unm.edu>

     A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work."  The
next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
     A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you protect the public."  The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
      A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you serve the justice system."  The next morning
the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.


Date: Fri, 17 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Lloyd Wood <L.Wood@surrey.ac.uk>

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some folks don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


Date: Thu, 23 Jan 97 15:48:16 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "John Barnes" <john.Barnes@ccmail.wise.net>

From: Toronto Globe and Mail 18 Dec 96

U.S. research has discovered that no two nations with McDonald's restaurants
have ever gone to war. "This is no small achievement," adds The Sunday
Telegraph. Last week, Belarus and Tahiti saw McDonald's restaurants open,
bringing the tally to 101 countries.  The so-called Golden Arches Theory of
Conflict Prevention, conceived by Thomas Friedman in The New York Times,
holds that countries can only support a McDonald's when they have reached
a sufficient level of economic prosperity and political stability to make
war unattractive to its people.


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 12:05:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: The Sacrifice of Isaac
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Scott Patrick <transplex@pol.net>

The Modern Akedah (The Sacrifice of Isaac) 
From: BBB1701@aol.com

And it came to pass after these things that G-D did test Avraham and 
He said to him "Avraham"

And Avraham replied "Hineni", (Here I am) 

And he said "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 and 
Install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, 
Windows 95, which I will show to you"

And Avraham rose up early in the morning and saddled his donkey. 
He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the donkey, 
And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son, 
and he rose up and went to the place where G-D had told him to find 
Windows 95.

Then on the Third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 from

And Avraham said to his young men "Stay here with the donkey and I will
Go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286 and return again to you" 

And Avraham took his computer, his old computer, his 286 and laid it 
On Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.

And Yitzchak said "Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 
Has, how will it possibly run on our machine?"

And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved, and he 
Shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust 
and belief in the almighty he said:

"Fear not, Yitzchak, my son, G-D will provide the RAM"


Date: Fri, 24 Jan 97 00:46:46 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[I smell a whole new genre...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Harlanquin@aol.com
Forwarded-by: AWKSHUN
Forwarded-by: tjrohner@ix.netcom.com (rohner)

The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper

16> www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images

15> www.pullmyfinger.com

14> www.heartbreak_psoriasis.com

13> www.chi-cubs.com/worldseries

12> www.dentistry.com/drill.wav

11> www.sony.com/products/betamax

10> www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads

 9> www.nails~on~blackboard.com

 8> www.kerristrugmania.com

 7> www.dole2000.org

 6> www.oj.com/help_find_killers

 5> www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops

 4> www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu

 3> www.marcelmarceau.com/chat

 2> www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures

and the Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper...

 1> www.willardscott.com/showercam


Date: Fri, 17 Jan 1997 10:43:13 -0600
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Subject: We haven't been punished in a long time...
To: bob

------- Forwarded Message

Forwared-by:  Andy Hatcher <ahatcher@chromatic.com>


Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest
funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and
the Hostess Twinkies.  The graveside was piled high with flours, as
longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a
man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had
two children, and one in the oven.....

------- End of Forwarded Message


Date: Tue, 28 Oct 97 18:21:21 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Yiddishkeit - The Devout Pooch
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
Forwarded-by: HEDEVIL7@aol.com

It's Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services are about to begin. The synagogue is
packed. As the congregants are milling around, shmoozing before services,
everyone seems to be distracted by a man who has brought with him a rather
large dog.  "What chutzpah!" an elderly woman whispers aloud. Services
begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the dog behaves.  The next
morning, the man and his dog arrive early and promptly begin dovening. This
time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and yarmulke, and even
appears, upon closer inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the hazan
intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed.  The week goes by and Kol
Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service begins.  The man and his dog are
back, and this time, just as the hazan is about to begin the prayers, the
dog stands up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-ROOOOOOOCH....!" more
melodically than the best hazan.  After the service, everyone is clamoring
to meet this man and his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him
and says, "That's one talented pooch you have there. You know, you should
really consider sending your dog to a yeshiva!" The man looks down, shakes
his head, and says, "I know, I know.... And all he talks about is medical


Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 18:07:20 -0700
From: Fred Clegg <Fred.Clegg@mri.com>
Subject: You know you live in SF when...
To: yucks

>You know you live in SF when...
> Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are visible
> When someone says "TENDERLOIN", you don't think steak; you think danger
> You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live
> You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent
> You keep a list of companies to boycott
> You would never dream of crossing a picket line
> You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation
>   in English
> You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than the
>   California State flag
> The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay
> The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady is gay
> Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call:  "Do you have
>   a spare bedroom for a weekend?"
> You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the
>   Midwest
> You can't remember...Is pot still illegal
> You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper
>   sticker and you mean it
> You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
>   grown, and are willing to fight about it
> A really great parking spot can move you to tears
> You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio
> A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You
>   don't notice.
> You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person
>   who is looking puzzled at a city map
> When you drive under an underpass, for one moment you think  "earthquake"
> Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" ...it's the first time you
>   have seen him nude
> Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze"
> You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved
>   to the Bay Area
> You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can't
>   decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class
> Your new neighbors go to temple, but you are still not sure if they
>   are Jewish or Buddhist
> You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in 


End of Yucks Digest