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Yucks Digest V7 #18 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 17 Oct 97 Volume 7 : Issue 18
Today's Topics:
administrivia
(Fwd) Resume mistakes
A Gala Night for Weird Science
A lesson for us all.
And now, it's poor taste theater!
Close enough to smell them Captain....
coming to a bookstore near you...
Da Peare, Da Peare!
Engineers vs. Computer Scientists
Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed!
For these, our young detectives and their hound.
From today's news
fya: mixed message in paper solicitation
Greetings to you, fair sailor.
HAL's first words
It's a plan.
It's Starting To Get Ugly Out There...
Must not touch the squids, EVER.
New Latin Dictionary
Oh, gawd, make them stop!
Problem Flowchart
Quaff that pint!
Rocky Moutain Hig-g-h-h-A-A-A-A-H-H-H!!!
santasam strikes again
submission
The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 1
This guy clearly needs something to do.
Three Propositions.
Uh-oh, here they come...
Unix gurus do it like.... (yucks submission)
Your data doesn't sleep, why should your programmers?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucksters
Well, the backlog is slowly going down. If I can continue to
manage two digests a week. I should be caught up with the
backlog by the year 2000. Seriously!
I'll continue to make each digest about 45-55K in length.
Contents will continue to be mixed between old things and new
items (assuming you all continue to send me new items!).
Of course, there won't be a discernable theme, but what the heck!
As it is, I'm discarding about 80% of what is sent because it
is well, not quite down to Yucks standards.
If you have any good stories, gift ideas, or jokes for any of the
approaching holidays, please be sure to send them in.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 97 16:02:31 -0700
From: TANYA_MASTIN@HP-Cupertino-om8.om.hp.com
Subject: (Fwd) Resume mistakes
To: brat, cag, steinjl2, vossae
Be sure to double check your resumes for mistakes
before sending them out. :-)
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 97 09:18:18 -0700
Subject: (Fwd) Resume mistakes
From: undecipherable
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are
some real-life examples:
*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in
computer science, curses in accounting."
*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too
seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave
drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess
no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is
unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel
free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on
my head!"
* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to
hear from you shorty!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 11:05:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: A Gala Night for Weird Science
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Mark Feit <mfeit@UU.NET>
Forwarded-by: David Wendland <David.Wendland@pulse.com>
Forwarded-by: Matthew Hampton
A Gala Night for Weird Science
by Scott Kirsner
12:15pm 10.Oct.97.PDT -- The scalper on the steps of Harvard University's
Sanders Theatre had no trouble getting rid of his last pair of tickets.
Inside, the 1200-seat auditorium was packed to its gothic rafters for the
Seventh First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, a celebration of scientific
achievements that "cannot or should not be reproduced."
The awards ceremony, which founder and emcee Marc Abrahams describes as a
"cross between the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prizes, and a Ringling
Brothers three-ring circus," is sponsored by the Annals of Improbable
Research, which Abrahams edits. It acknowledged (somehow, "honored" would
not be the right word) the accomplishments of such diverse luminaries as
the late Bernard Vonnegut (Meteorology), perpetrator of a paper entitled
"Chicken Plucking as Measure of Tornado Speed," Mark Hostetler
(Entomology), author of That Gunk on Your Car: A Unique Guide to the
Insects of North America, and notorious Internet spammer Sanford Wallace
(Communications), president of Cyber Promotions.
The goal of the Igs is to make science more accessible, according to Eric
Schulman, a researcher at the National Radio Astronomy Observatory, who
delivered a two-minute oral history of the universe at the event. "It's a
great time, because it totally contradicts the notion that scientists are
stuffy people," Schulman said. "And it shows that if you make science
humorous, you can get the average person interested in understanding it."
Few average people were in attendance Thursday night. The audience was
filled with the Ig's traditional delegations - groups like "The Society for
the Prevention of a Better Tomorrow" and "Non-Extremists for Moderate
Change." One representative of "Lawyers For and Against the Big Bang"
carried a placard that read, "Have you been injured by cosmic background
radiation left behind by the big bang?" On the dais were a handful of actual
Nobel Prize winners, including Richard Roberts (Medicine, 1993), wearing a
giant yellow and black Cat in the Hat-style stovepipe hat, and William
Lipscomb (Chemistry, 1976), who wore a flashing red bow tie and played a few
ragtime tunes on his clarinet before the proceedings began.
Highlights of the two-and-a-half hour ceremony, which was cybercast live on
the Web and will be broadcast in November on National Public Radio's
Science Friday show, included a mini-opera about the creation of the
universe entitled Il Kaboom Grosso, an auction of plaster casts of the
Nobel laureates' left feet that raised funds for the science programs in
Cambridge public schools, and a series of Heisenberg Certainty Lectures.
One such lecture, delivered by Boston University chancellor John Silber on
the history of free speech, exceeded the strict 30-second time limit, and
Silber was forced from the podium by a referee.
Throughout the ceremony, the audience threw hundreds of paper airplanes at
the stage, the small orchestra, and each other, a long-time Ig tradition.
Confetti and sheet music also flew, as did a replica of the Hale-Bopp
comet, which was trailed by a silver spaceship. "The feeling you get when
you're there is, 'We shouldn't be allowed to do this,'" says Abrahams.
This year's prize winners include the scientists behind a paper titled
"Measuring People's Brainwave Patterns While They Chew Different Flavors of
Gum" (Biology), the authors of The Bible Code (Literature), and the
creators of the Tamagotchi (Economics). One notable previous Ig winner in
attendance was Don Featherstone, the inventor of the plastic pink flamingo
(Art, 1996).
The live cybercast was coordinated by Robert T. Morris, the convicted felon
whose worm program crashed the Internet in 1988. Doug Berman, the producer
of NPR's Car Talk program, was in charge of periodically sweeping the stage
clean of paper airplanes. Boston Museum of Science administrator Bunny
Watson handled the chickens.
"Sometimes you need to get out of your ivory tower and show that scientists
are people too, and we can poke fun at ourselves," said honoree Hostetler,
cradling his Ig, a cheap-looking replica of an exploding cigar. During his
acceptance speech, Hostetler, a professor at the University of Florida and
ardent admirer of all things arthropoidal, thanked "all the Greyhound bus
drivers who let me pick the insects off their windshields."
"The initial idea [for the Igs] was to have a goofy awards ceremony," says
Abrahams, who has hosted the event since 1991, its first year. "We wanted
to get everything we could think of that was dignified and have it appear
in some backward, upside-down, or twisted fashion."
Four Nobel laureates dressed in white sheets and impersonating neutrinos
for the three-part opera Il Kaboom Grosso certainly satisfied that goal, as
did bizarre cameos by the Reverend Peter Gomes of the Harvard Divinity
School and a number of (previously) distinguished Harvard professors.
"If there is a serious part to it," muses Abrahams, "it's too see if we can
seduce more people to get interested in science - people who think it's
scary, or impossible to understand, or just plain boring."
Boring is not a word that can be used to describe a gala at which roving
representatives of the Institute for Cryogenic Sex Research handed out
pamphlets headlined Safe Sex at Four Kelvin.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: A lesson for us all.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Celeste Young <celeste@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: "John A. Haddon" <haddon@campanile.EECS.Berkeley.EDU>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The following is a true story, which I know because it is MY story -- OHO
Many years ago, before I finally connected with my present employer, I
found myself 'between jobs' with a family to support. I found a temporary
job as a laborer at a local Landscape-Nursery and quickly found myself
very involved with Landscape work in this area -- it was March, and the
winter had been very long and hard.
It happened that at that time the Aerospace Industry in this area was
going through hard times and had laid off a lot of very highly educated
people. Some of them decided to work at the same Nursery where I was
working.
It also happened at that time that the Nursery did a lot of drainage
system work for individual homes in the area. For those who have never
done this work, this is most likely the dirtiest possible type of work a
human being can do. Lacking large equipment, we needed to manually dig
trenches through various layers and types of soils and gravels, sloping
it properly, refilling with drainage materials, and so forth. Then we
replaced the sod and supposedly it looked like we had never been there.
We worked mostly in an area that has clay soil, and we could not be clean
working in clay soil levels filled with undrained water.
Now to set the scene. One rainy day, because I had been in the Nursery
Business approximately one month, and because I had been on crews which
had installed maybe five drainage systems, I was given a small raise and
put in charge of a crew of my own. Three guys, laid-off AeroSpace
Engineers all, were to work for me! Two of them had Ph.D's, and the third
a Master's Degree. Together we were going to install a drainage system
at a large private home in the worst-drainage part of this area --
worst-drainage due to the clay soil.
Aside from the weather, which was terrible, it was a very nice day. These
guys were easy and pleasant to work with, and they were there to work.
We finished the back yard in good time, had gotten ourselves unbelieveably
filthy in the process, and we were pretty well along with the front yard,
all of us together in the trench, when a well-dressed young woman with a
young boy in tow stopped to watch us for a while. We continued mucking
and rooting around in the trench, not presenting a very pretty picture,
and the woman with the little boy just continued to stand there and watch.
After about fifteen minutes we heard the woman say to the little boy: "If
you don't study hard in school, this is what you will be doing when you
grow up."
At that point four grown men collapsed in the muddy trench and started
roaring with laughter. I'm sure the lady never knew why.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 10:14:35 -0700
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: And now, it's poor taste theater!
To: ric@visigenic.com
>Q: What does Princess Diana turn into at midnight?
>
>A: A wall.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Close enough to smell them Captain....
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
NEW -- TREKFUME
In their continuing effort to milk it for all it's worth, Paramount,
in cooperation with Calvin Klein, will be unveiling the new "Next
Generation" colognes and perfumes for the fall season. Most will be
available in the bargain bins at K-Mart, Ames, and other fine cosmetic
outlets. I felt it necessary to acquaint you with some of with some of ad
campaigns... and a few that didn't make the production line:
"ENGAGE" (based on Jean-Luc Picard, magazine ad to appear in Vanity
Fair, Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, and Billiard Balls Anonymous)
The ad is in black and white, complexion-verite style and features
the good Captain (Patrick Stewart) in chains, representing the "Chain of
Command." His uniform pants are pulled down just enough to reveal his
24th century Calvin Klein underwear. He is topless (in more ways than
one) and wearing a goofy grin, similar to that of Marky Mark.
The printed text reads: "Steadfast. Strong. French. All that is
Jean-Luc. All that can be you. Make it so."
"NUMBER ONE" (based on Commander Riker, television ad to run on TNT,
and local public-access channels)
The spot features Jonathan Frakes in flannel shirt and seated on a
stool, though visible only from the waist up. Frakes, of course, is
smirking.
The printed text reads: "Hello. I'm Jonathan Frakes. You may wonder
why Commander Riker scores with all the hot alien babes every week on Star
Trek: The Next Generation. Well, a lot of it has to do with my charm and
charisma, but mostly it's this stuff here. (Frakes reaches down to hoist
up the two-gallon jug version of the product upon his lap.) "NUMBER ONE"
by Calvin Klein. Yeah, I splash on this stuff everyday. One whiff of this
is enough to blow her pantyhose off! So if you want to be a big studly
guy like me, pick up this. It's better than 'Hi-Karate'."
Scene cuts to black and white cloud-flecked sky shown in sped-up form.
Two-Gallon jug of "NUMBER ONE" fades in. Breathy female voice intones:
"NUMBER ONE by Calvin Klein. Don't use it sparingly."
"SLUT" (based on Counselor Deanna Troi, magazine ad slated to appear
in Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and other revealing publications)
The color ad, displays the confident Counselor (Marine Sirtis) on her
bed, in very revealing, new Calvin Klein designer lingerie, wearing a
cocky grin. Sirtis holds a small, mind-shaped bottle posed provocatively
between her breasts for the tight, insert shot. (So to speak.)
The printed text reads: "Hellooooo. I'm Marine Sirtis, but you
probably know me better as the token space bimbo. Who cares? I get paid
a fortune to drag guys into bed. You don't think I could do it with just
my looks, do you? When I'm wearing "SLUT" men just don't care. You too
can be a "SLUT."
Other products/campaigns have been abandoned:
"NUMBER TWO" (based on...who the hell is #2??) wound up in the toilet.
Besides, it smelled REALLY BAD!
"BLIND FAITH" (based on Geordi, LaVar Burton) offered limited appeal with
the slogan: "So blind people can smell you coming."
"Q" (based on Q, John de Lancie) fizzled when the name conflicted with
another fragrance for gay men.
"WARRIOR" (based on Worf, Michael Dorn) tended to make people too
aggressive. Several testers ended up in the hospital with unusual
injuries.
"BLACK HOLE" (based on Gynan, Whoopie Goldberg) raised objections from
various groups and organizations.
"MOTHER" (based on Lwaxana Troi) seemed to offend most everyone.
"ALLORE" (based on Lore) tended to bring out the evil in people.
"ANDROID" (based on Data) invoked little emotion.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 03 Apr 1997 10:04:11 EST
From: David L Stevens <dls@alecto.cc.purdue.edu>
Subject: coming to a bookstore near you...
To: jrs@purdue.edu
You know, since I wouldn't generally *choose* to use Windows for
programming, you could say I've been artificially infenestrated.
+-DLS
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Da Peare, Da Peare!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Ann Benninger <ahb@exelixis.com>
From: "M.L. Heiser" <heiser@gene.COM>
To Compute...
Or Not To Compute...
That Is The Question...
Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..
To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...
... Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of... Transistors,
Or Rather Transponders...
Transcondu--
Trans...
Er... Oh, To Hack With It.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Engineers vs. Computer Scientists
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: "Robert A Thompson" <spacecow@trellis.net>
Well, there are people who say "the glass is half empty" and there are
people who say "the glass is half full." There are others who would say
"the glass is at 50% of capacity." We call those people engineers.
We don't let them near the microwave oven, for fear that they will
take it apart and put it back together according to some twisted plan only
they know, and the next time we go to melt some cheeze-whiz for our
nachos, we wind up starting world war III. I'm a computer science major,
so I frequently say "I don't care how much stuff's in the glass, just keep
the damn thing away from the keyboard."
Then the engineers laugh and say something like "I won't spill this
591 milliliter container of mountain dew on your computer" which they of
course immediately do, prompting a bitter argument followed by a violent
brawl, which lasts for a number of minutes until someone notices that
"Baywatch" is on, and everyone puts their differences aside and stares at
the screen and says things like "There's no way those can be real." and
an engineer does some quick calculations and says something like "the
support structure alone would weigh several tons." and a computer science
major would say something like "Well, if they had an SGI and a 32 bit
video card, they could use a 3-d modeler/renderer to texture map them on
there..." and someone else would say "Who cares? Just look at 'em."
And then we would all agree that technology was wonderful, no matter
how it worked, and then we all go down to Burger King and make fun of the
English majors hard at work.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 97 12:47:01 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: <http://www.ericbrian.com/stupid.ht>
There's always someone somewhere who claims to have had an Elvis sighting.
Most people who claim to have seen Elvis still alive wind up calling
National Enquirer. Sometimes the people at the Enquirer follow up, but often
they don't. However, this particular time they were definitely intrigued.
It wasn't the usual type of Elvis spotter, but a retired Harvard professor.
And he said he had "irrefutable photographic evidence" that Elvis was
actually alive.
So the Enquirer sent a reporter to the professor's remote home in the
mountains of northern Vermont. When the reporter arrived, the elderly
professor took him downstairs to the basement, where the professor unlocked
the door to the room where he kept the evidence. Then finally the reporter
was able to see it himself. It was one snapshot, a shot of the professor
standing in front of the house -- alone.
The reporter didn't get it. "Where's the photographic proof of Elvis?" he
asked the professor. "Don't you see?" replied the professor, "Elvis took
the photo!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: For these, our young detectives and their hound.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jun Akiyama <akiy@cdrom.com>
Forwarded-by: Len Vinci <lvinci@cdrom.com>
From: Francis X. Connor Career English Major George Washington University
This recently discovered folio edition of "Hamlet" follows other
known versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to
diverge at line 232, as will be seen:
KING ...`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.' Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye.
Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations
HAMLET: Come on, sir.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.
Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY
DAPHNE: Wait!
SHAGGY: Stop the fight!
HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils
KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of latter days.
VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinore's high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet's ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
'Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost...
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
'Tis clear, the "ghost" used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING: It seems to me a portrait of my brother
In staine'd glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern--
KING: My brother's ghost!
HAMLET: My father!
VELMA: Nay, his image.
FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Prince's eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlet's blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES: But who?
FRED: Indeed my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?
The GHOST enters.
GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
DAPHNE: Jenkies!
GHOST: Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?
SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries
around the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.
GHOST: What?
FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that "ghost",
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.
FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST'S face.
ALL: Tis Fortinbras!
FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlet's father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norway's crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmark's throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmark's royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle's crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poison's aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these medd'ling kids and this their dog.
KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.
EXEUNT OMNES.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 16:44:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: From today's news
To: spaf
*** African population expert quizzes the dead
An academic from Ghana surprised a world population conference in
Beijing Wednesday by presenting research on family planning based
partly on interviews with the dead. Using soothsayers, Philip Adongo
asked village ancestors for advice on the ideal size of a family in a
tribal area of the west African nation. "If I only heard from the
living, I wouldn't get a very good balance," he explained. "This
study has been the first to be conducted of respondents who are
deceased." The study concluded that small families worked better in a
modern society.
[Heck, if they can vote in Chicago, they should be interviewed in
Ghana, right? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 15:22:58 -0700
From: Michal Young <michal@cs.uoregon.edu>
Subject: fya: mixed message in paper solicitation
To: spaf
I just received a solicitation to submit to a conference of questionable
quality. The following statement in the solicitation may not have had
quite the intended effect:
"Papers like yours will increase significantly the quality of the
Conference."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Greetings to you, fair sailor.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare
15> "How about a little Puck?"
14> "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.
I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
13> "Et tu, Cutie?"
12> "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
11> "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
10> "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with
two backs?"
9> "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
8> "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend
the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
7> "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
6> "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to
cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
5> "Greetings to you, fair sailor."
4> "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
3> "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
2> "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me
divine thy weight."
and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...
1> "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 97 01:01:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: HAL's first words
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: david mankins <dm@k12-nis-2.bbn.com>
From: Daniel Downey, <ddowney@u.washington.edu>
Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel discussion via the
Internet as a part of Cyberfest '97. This was held at the University
of Illinois at Urbana, the "birthplace" of HAL.
At the conference, Clarke chose his preference for HAL's first words:
"Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95
from my hard drive"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: It's a plan.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.bell-labs.com
LONDON (Reuter) - Pop superstar Michael Jackson proudly showed off his
infant son, Prince, in a photo exclusive and interview published by a
British magazine Tuesday, declaring, "I want my son to live a normal
life."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 09:55:36 -0700
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: It's Starting To Get Ugly Out There...
To: ric@visigenic.com
>What do Cellular telephones and Princess Diana have in common?
>
>
>Both die in tunnels !
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Must not touch the squids, EVER.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Celeste Young <celeste@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: kbrink@holobyte.com
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Excerpted from the book "Professional Stool Sampler Looking For Place To
Sit: A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy
Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster.
I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large
watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting
spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.
Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of
inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like
hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.
Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give
me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odor, tripping over your purse
trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were
blue. Can I have a dollar?
I like popping blood blisters and whipping badgers in the forest. I put
twelve feet in the attic and no, don't you get flimpy. Boot lickum, zoom.
You spay and neuter? Only five dollars and the police, blue and in your
pocket. Bad boy! No desert! Is only swamp, and I breath underwater.
Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle
with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You
like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.
Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like
screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas
together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in
search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is
good food.
I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain,
watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking
strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and
sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of
passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I
want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.
Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars,
any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched,
screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the
squids, EVER. No tongue.
Neurotic midget with collection of warning labels seeks someone whose
grave he can dance on after the Apocalypse. May be able to get you off
hook. Look me in the eye and snap a z.
There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you
match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me
some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical
designs on them.
Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights,
fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like
Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks and hiballs.
SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you
can't help it, enjoy laying down. Wanna swim upstream? It's serious for
sure but I'm not.
Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad
you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until
you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the
beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his
piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you
in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he
would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have
gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with
a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic,
heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either
sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 12:09:09 -0500
From: One of our contributors
Subject: New Latin Dictionary
To: spaf
VATICAN CITY, Oct 6 (AFP) - From now on, the corridors of the
Vatican could echo with the Latin words for such daring concepts as
strip-tease artists and playboys, as recorded in the Holy See's new
dictionary.
A team of experts beavered away for more than eight years under
the supervision of Abbot Carlo Egger -- Pope John Paul II's chief
aide on drawing up official church documents and one of the world's
leading Latin scholars -- to produce the "Lexicon Recentis
Latinitas."
Published by the Vatican Library Monday, the tome is packed with
some 15,000 neologisms to adapt the offical language of the church
to the exigences of late 20th-century life.
Henceforth, "juvenes voluptarii" (playboys) who drink "vischium"
(whisky) and go to night-clubs to ogle at spectacles of "sui ipsius
nudatores" (strip-teasers) can in theory feature in the Vatican's
documents.
Less salaciously, the dictionary decrees that the word for
shampoo is "capitilavium," toilets are a "cella intima," a video
casette is an "instrumentum telehornamentis exceptorium," while an
Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) becomes a "res inexplicata
volans."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 13:19:34 -0700
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Oh, gawd, make them stop!
To: ric@visigenic.com
So what was on Princess Diana's mind when she died?
The radiator
So what did Princess Diana say to the Papparazzi immediately after the
accident?
Don't take my picture -- I'm the bloody princess
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 10:35:13 +0900
From: TtonyY <joeycoco@seagreen.ocn.ne.jp>
Subject: Problem Flowchart
To: spaf
#64. PROBLEM FLOW CHART
(NOTE: This works better as a real flow chart... a lot more amusing to see
it all mapped out in front of you. For maximum effect, draw up
your own cool flow chart. But this text version seems to be OK, I guess.)
1. DOES IT WORK?
2. If 'YES', go to 4.
3. If 'NO', go to 6.
4. Leave the bloody thing alone. Go to 5.
5. No problem.
6. DID YOU TOUCH IT?
7. If 'YES', go to 9.
8. If 'NO', go to 10.
9. YOU IDIOT! Go to 13.
10. WILL YOU GET INTO TROUBLE?
11. If 'YES', go to 18.
12. If 'No', go to 16.
13. DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW?
14. If 'YES', go to 18.
15. If 'NO', go to 17.
16. Pass the buck. Go to 5.
17. Hide it. Go to 5.
18. YOU POOR BASTARD! Go to 19.
19. CAN YOU BLAME SOMEONE ELSE?
20. If 'YES', go to 5.
21. If 'NO', go to 18.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 11:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Quaff that pint!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "A. Chase Turner" <cturner@bbn.com>
I recall a similar story about Douglas B. Lenat (creator of CYC).
Years ago, he developed an Expert System that fought naval experts in
naval warfare simulation in the late 70's or early 80's.
Lenat's program won and when the astonished human experts reviewed the
simulator's event log, they discovered (to their horror) that at the end
of each naval engagement, the Expert System would back off and then fire
on one or two of its own ships! Further analysis revealed the Expert
System took this action to remove the constraint, "a ship convoy will
move as fast as the slowest ship". In other words, the Expert System
sacrificed its damaged ships, thereby allowing it to out-maneuver the
human controlled conveys whose speed was reduced because the convoy was
protecting damaged ships.
[I've been on study comissions where this would improve the output
of the group. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Rocky Moutain Hig-g-h-h-A-A-A-A-H-H-H!!!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Scott Patrick <transplex@pol.net>
Forwarded-by: Michael Hyman <mikeh@Op.Net>
"Sunshine in my eyes makes me blind."
-- The last words heard on the radio before John Denver's plane
went down.
Why did John Denver crash?
He wanted a smash hit in the 90's.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
Forwarded by: dallen@tippett.com (Darryl Gordon Allen)
Elton John has interrupted his American tour to rush to the studio to
record his tribute to John Denver, called, "Like a Brick in the Wind."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 22:58:48 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: santasam strikes again
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or
whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded
approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
Three older men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
functions.
The seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every
morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."
The eighty year old man says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I
sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a
BM."
The ninety year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop
like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
The girls from the nursing home decided to stop at the local bar for a
cocktail after their weekly bridge game.
Ellie had one martini too many and upon here return to the home was
feeling horney. So she took off her panties and put them into her
handbag and burst into George's room, pulled up her dress and shouted -
SUPERSEX!!!
George said "Ellie, for god's sake, my daughter is coming to visit and
is due any minute.
Crestfallen, Ellie left but was still feeling horney, so she went on
down the hall to Jim's room and again burst in, dress up, shouting
SUPERSEX!!!
Jim looked up from his bed and said, "I'd like to help you out but this
thing hasn't been up in ten years.
Now Ellie is really depressed, but, she is made of strong stuff.
So, she goes to the end of the hall and jumps into Fred's room. Same
Routine, dress up shouting SUPERSEX!!!
Fred looks at her for a moment and says:
"I'll take the soup."
Two guys are sitting at a bar and the first guy confides in the other saying
" Me and some friends went hunting the other day and we ended up drinking
more
than hunting. The next morning I woke up and I had a used condom sticking out
of
my ass. If this happened to you would you tell anyone?"
The other guy replies,
" Hell no. I would not want anyone knowing."
The first guys says, " Want to go hunting next weekend?"
Knock knock...
"Knock Knock."
"Who's there ?"
"Death."
"Death wh
Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly
difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his
eyesight.
"I can't play with my glasses on because they keep falling off," he
said. "And I'm too darn nearsighted to play without them."
"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man suggested.
"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day, and he can't
get around without a wheelchair!"
"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."
So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a
tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy, that felt good!" he
exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked Hughes.
"Yes," the very old man replied.
"Where did it go?"
"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 12:13:53 +0900
From: TtonyY <joeycoco@seagreen.ocn.ne.jp>
Subject: submission
To: spaf
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE??
Ever check out some of the old school text books our ancient ancestors from
the 1950s used to learn from?? Some of them have some great stuff in them.
The following excerpt is not exactly a joke, but it is a good read. It
comes from a 1950s New Zealand High School Home Economics text book which
aims at teaching young women how to be good wives.
This is genuine, by the way; I swear I haven't touched it. Similar stuff
can be found in most Western text books from the era - check it out for
yourself.
Oh, how the times have changed...
[Ah, for the good ole days. :-) --spaf]
--------
* Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know
you are thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they get home and a prospect of a good meal
(especially his favourite dish) is a part of the warm welcome needed.
* Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need
a lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.
* Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, and gather up the school books,
toys, paper, etc.
Then run a dust cloth over the tables. In the cooler months of the year,
you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by so your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a
lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with
immense personal satisfaction.
* Prepare the children: Take a few moments to wash the children's faces
(if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their
clothing. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them
playing the part.
* Minimise all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
the washer, dryer and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in
your desire to please him.
* Listen to him: You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember
his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
* Make the evening his: Never complain if he comes home late or goes out
to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real needs to be
home and relaxed.
Your goal is to try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order,
tranquillity, where your husband can revive himself in body and spirit.
* Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he is late for dinner, or even if he stays out all night; count
this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Don't ask him about his actions, or question his judgement or integrity;
remember, he is the master of the house and will always exercise this with
fairness and truthfulness - you have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 1
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: Richard_Jay_Bothne@cup.portal.com
From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:
The Non-Discovery of Australia
Although Australia was very large, it remained undiscovered for a
considerable length of time.
1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:
The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia.
They failed to discover it because they had:
a. No Guns
b. No Bibles
c. No Diseases
d. No Flags
e. No Title Deeds
Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have
been cheating, since Discovery has to be done by boat. In any case,
it didn't count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before
the Age of Discovery.
Thus Australia remained undiscovered.
2. The Dutch
The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch.
Considering how often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is
perhaps surprising that they never discovered it. It was, however,
fortunate, as otherwise we might all be talking Dutch and be
Reformed. This is why Australia is known today as the Lucky Country.
Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates
to some trees and then killed one another. This was the first
occurence of European Civilisation in Australia.
One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of
a country they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel
Tasman. However they failed to discover it. Instead of discovering
it, they sailed on and failed to discover a country so like their
native Zeeland that they called it Niewe Zeeland. When they had
finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing and became
Trekers and Bores. So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).
(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other
authorities, pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.
3. The Spaniards
The third people not to discover Austalia were the Spaniards (or
'Portugese', as they are sometimes called).
The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the
world naming everything after their saints. By the time the got to
Vanu Atu (as it was not called) they had run out of Saints, so they
named the biggest island there Espiritu Santo and went home to get
the latest new list of Saints.
This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would
have come to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese,
as the Brazilians call it).
4. The French
Australia was also not discovered by the great French
flower-person, Bougainvillea, inventer of the Condominium, a
miniature Anglo-French Letter. Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin,
atom bombs and La Gloire, which is the French technical term for
chronic military disaster.
5. Etcetera
Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the
Ming Dynasty, etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on
beaches and sailed away. These people are known to Historians as
Etcetera.
Questions:
1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
2. Arrange in descending order:
(a) Dinner plates;
(b) La Gloire.
3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.
Activities:
1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
3. Blow up a condominium.
# rjknees@cup.portal.com #
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Non-Discovery of Australia -- Part 2
The Discovery of Australia
In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:
# 1770 #
In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the
Trasit of Venus.
The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great
Importance to the British Navy. But all Captain Cool found was
some dusky Tahitian maidens in grass skirts (or not, as the case
may be); so he sailed on.
Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia. His immediate
impact on the Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that
he kept on doing it over and over again.
By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found
it equally hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered.
Fortunately, he had with him:
a. Guns
b. Bibles
c. Flags
d. Diseases
e. Title Deeds
In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery. So he discovered it.
He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but,
finding that they were black and didn't speek English, he concluded
that they were Welsh. So he called the country New South Wales,
and wrote it on a Title Deed.
He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared
he was going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces.
In memory of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands
until they were discovered properly by the Americans.
Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back
to England. They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King
George III, who immediately went mad.
One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing
the Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea
Parties and Daughters of the Revolution. All this is immensely
important to understanding the Causes of Modern Australia, so this
paragraph must be learned by heart before going on to Part 3 of our
story.
Questions
1. Where was 1770? Is it still there?
2. Translate into New South Welsh:
'The All-Blacks re playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
3. Which of the following arguments is the more
persuasive:
a. This is a Gun. Hands up or I shoot.
b. This is a title deed. Hands up or I shoot.
Activities
1. Observe the Transit of Venus. Describe how it felt.
2. Collect some saples of diseases. Paste them on your screen.
3. Hold a Tea Party. Do not invite the British. When they
come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
Then shoot them.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 97 10:29:00 -0500
From: cseymour@mail11.mitre.org (Chip Seymour)
Subject: This guy clearly needs something to do.
To: spaf
Seen in a .sig file:
"Driving up to the toll booth, I snapped the quarter from my fingers.
Striking a glancing blow off her brow, a small rivulet of blood trickled
down her face as the light turned green ... 'Thank You' as I rolled on by."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Three Propositions.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William Moran <wlm@panix.com>
Forwarded-by: Bennett Todd <bet@rahul.net>
Three Propositions:
1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in
which there is no cat.
3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room
where there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!"
-- From a bulletin board at Syntelligence Corporation, quoted by
Brock Brower.
{Infosec is denying that there was ever a cat while cleaning up furballs
coughed up on the furniture. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 10:04:02 -0700
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Uh-oh, here they come...
To: spaf
>What did the Queen get Fergie for her B-day?
>
>A weekend in Paris, a chauffered Mercedes, and a fifth of Vodka
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 15:30:09 -0400
From: Jeff Garzik <jeff.garzik@spinne.com>
Subject: Unix gurus do it like.... (yucks submission)
To: spaf
Seen in a fellow news admin's .sig:
The UNIX Guru's View of Sex: # unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ;
fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Your data doesn't sleep, why should your programmers?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cyerkes <cyerkes@interport.net>
Forwarded-by: <smj@crash.com>
Forwarded-by: <eric_portner@crd.lotus.com>
CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
----------------
by Chris Gahan
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit
Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will
help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible
affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives
of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans
every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more
susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease,
missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series
of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM).
Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself
at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter?
Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-
helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out
of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac
towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well
as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your
heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards
anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their
profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
--------------+
Response Ratio| Addiction Factor(TM)
===========================================================================
Yes | No | Analysis:
===========================================================================
20-22 | 0-2 | You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for
| | life and you are very wise.
-------+------+------------------------------------------------------------
17-19 | 3-5 | You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's okay
| | but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
-------+------+------------------------------------------------------------
0-16 | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?
| | Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more
| | TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!? YOU COMMIE BASTARD!
-------+------+------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by the author: Chris Gahan, Toronto, Canada
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End of Yucks Digest
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