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Yucks Digest V6 #12 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 22 Jul 96 Volume 6 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
"Habitual" and the legal fine points
... and one occurence of stealth tongue
... more statements of length
... to a panel of carefully selected marsupials.
A couple of pigs...
Body Sake
Broad humor from the very early days
Cow JOTD
Engineering secrets made public
Filk found on the Net...
Fitting names
From your lips to God's ear.
Fwd: Travel plans.
House for Rent - 1979
How many ... That many!?
I think a shredder might be a good tool...
JOTD (2 msgs)
Just HOW cold is it? An Annotated Thermometer
LART's
Medical Records
New horizons in interstellar travel
PEBKAC
Pretty Good Parasychology
Programmer from Essex?
senior citizen humor
Stupid Criminal Tricks
Tap-dancing on his grave.
Technical Terminology
The importance of correct punctuation...
The return of the JCL error.
the sure way to an A
They are much more likely to receive email.
thought for today, 2/6/96
travel questions
Valentine's Day Posting
WAN pioneers
You see the oddest things go by on alt.best-of-usenet...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 96 04:47:01 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: "Habitual" and the legal fine points
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[This guy wouldn't be a Congressman, would he? -psl]
Forwarded-by: be023@scn.org (James Mullany)
From: the Santa Fe _New Mexican_, February 7, 1996:
=============================================================
REPEAT OFFENDER ENTERS GUILTY PLEA IN LATEST DWI CASE
[excerpted from article by Steve Terrell (c) 1996 The New Mexican]
A Santa Fe man who police say has been arrested 18 times on drunken
driving charges pleaded guilty to his latest DWI on Tuesday.
However, Joe Leonard Rael, of Santa Fe, said he plans to challenge his
previous convictions in an attempt to avoid sentencing as a repeat offender.
"I'm not a habitual offender," he said. "I used to be habitual."
Under state law, which went into effect in 1994, a person with three or
more prior DWIs faces a mandatory 6 month jail sentence and up to 20
months in prison for any additional convictions.
According to the police report of Rael's most recent arrest, breath tests
showed Rael with a blood alcohol content of .23%. The legal limit in New
Mexico is .08%
In November 1990, Rael was arrested - and later convicted - of DWI. He
told authorities after that arrest that he had been on his way to a
meeting with a Municipal Court drunken-driving program official.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 07:35:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and one occurence of stealth tongue
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Greg Rose <Greg_Rose@sydney.sterling.com>
An exerpt from Elizabeth Zwicky, who was explaining a French menu to a
bunch of other Europeans.
Lunch presented some unexpected translation problems. The first day, there
was veal. Now, I know veal in English, and I know veal in French, but the
Germans behind me didn't know it in either, and the American behind them
nearly fell over at my first attempt, which I admit was uninspired ("it's
like beef, only younger"). Eventually, by exhaustive search of my entire
German vocabulary, I provided the information that it was the meat wiener
schnitzel was made of. The next day, we got to the lunch line, people
stared at the menu and turned to me expectantly, and I said "Well, menu
A is hungarian beef stew with potatoes and baby carrots, and menu B is,
umm, chipolatas with risotto. Risotto in the style of Milan actually," to
which they logically replied "And what are chipolatas?" I was forced to
admit that I hadn't the slightest idea. They turn out to be veal sausages.
It was a week with a lot of veal, and a lot of shrimp, and one occurence
of stealth tongue, which I think is a low blow. If you describe something
as a vol-au-vent avec volaille (puffpastry thingamabobs with chicken), I
tend to think that you're aiming for an exhaustive listing of the meat
ingredients, and the occurence of unadvertised beef tongue is highly
unfair. Particularly if there's four times as much of it as there is of
the chicken. I didn't become truly sulky, however, until I noticed that
those of us eating vol-au-vent got overdone broccoli, but the people who
rebelled utterly and had omelettes got lovely broccoli.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 19:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... more statements of length
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@compuserve.com>
Mentioned in The New Republic, Notebook section, 2/12/96:
After sitting through opening speeches by senators at a Whitewater
Committee hearing, Arkansas businessman and committee witness
William Lyon said, "I would appreciate it if they have any more
statements of length that they allow me to get my attorney off the
time clock first."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 1996 09:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... to a panel of carefully selected marsupials.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike Andrews)
In article <4fu2e5$fk3@knot.queensu.ca>,
4rbm2@qlink.queensu.ca (Marks Robert B) writes:
Someone wrote:
> I propose a system of civil law whereby the plaintiff and respondant
> have at each other with small burrowing marsupials.
Berwyn wrote:
> That would be trial by wombat combat, you dingbat.
>
> True trial by wombat would involve dignified lawyers presenting the case
> at great length and with great solemnity to a panel of carefully selected
> marsupials.
>
> Not to be confused with a kangaroo court.
mittle@panix.com (Arval d'Espas Nord) wrote:
> Which of course could give a whole new meaning to having the
> judge in ones' pocket...
Paul Bennett <pbennett@slonet.org> writes:
> Not to Jump ahead here, but arn't we leaping to conclusions a bit?
In article <4fhbqn$esj@twizzler.callamer.com> wrote:
> No. I think that this is quite within the bounds of the discussion.
>
> Question before the house - if the Judge in the Kangaroo Court were
> to use a bell instead of a gavel, would the clerk record the Judges's
> calls to order as "the boomer rang"?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 18:35:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A couple of pigs...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: haynes@xis.xerox.com (Dawn {bob} Haynes)
Forwarded-by: Chris McCabe - DTN 297-3293 <mccabe@lando.enet.dec.com>
Bill Clinton gets off Air Force One with a pig under each arm.
As Clinton passes the G.I. at the bottom of the ramp, the G.I.
salutes and says: "NICE PIGS SIR!"
Clinton stops and says: "Soldier, these are not PIGS, they're
Arkansas Razorbacks, the finest hogs on earth! I got one for
Hillary and one for Chelsea."
To which the G.I. replies: "NICE TRADE SIR!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 11:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Body Sake
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Bob Miller <kbob@jogger-egg.esd.sgi.com>
This appeared in the Yomuiri Shinbun, January 12, 1996 --
"Triumph International Japan, makers of "inner wear products" has created
a revolutionary "Triumph Body Warmth Bra -- Two-Cup Ozeki". This
brassiere is a unique product which, instead of using ordinary bra pads,
has small balloons containing sake. When the bra is worn for an hour,
the corks in the centers of the cups (like the ones on a sake cask) can
be pulled out, whereupon about 40 to 50 cc of body-warmed sake pours out
of the bra. Modeling the bra in the photo at right (Editor`s note - Sorry
no photo although trust me, it is not an outfit your mother would wear)
is Ryoko Ikenabe, Triumph`s 1996 Campaign Girl. It was not spelled out
how one is supposed to drink the sake."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 96 11:58:35 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Broad humor from the very early days
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[Warning: the following is merely a dramatization; actual events may have
proceeded differently... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com (Nina Feldman)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be
the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Cow JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Two cows are standing out in a field. One says to the other:
"Aren't you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"
"Naah,", replies the other one. "It doesn't worry me.
I'm a frog".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 16:35:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Engineering secrets made public
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Rob Pike" <rob@plan9.att.com>
>From the Iiyama Vision Master 21 monitor operation manual:
Normal Phenomenon on MT-9021E
Misalignment of Aperture Grill
Due to the nature of the Diamontron(TM) CRT, in rare cases, a
misalignment of the aperture grill may happen by the shock or
vibration during transportation. If a black vertical line appears
on the screen, apply a light shock to the side of the monitor with
your hand. Perform the operation below if the problem persists.
...
[Would that be a 16oz hammer light shock, or a 20oz hammer? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 16:21:26 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Filk found on the Net...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
(C) 1996 rab@skypoint.com (Rich Brown)
If I were a spammer -
I'd clamor in the Newsgroups,
I'd yammer in your e-mail,
Incessantly
I'd spam about GREEN CARDS
I'd spam about PHONE SEX
I'd spam about VET BILLS FOR MY LITTLE KITTY 'LUCKY'
'Cause I'd want more - money for me
If I were a zealot -
I'd yell it to the Usenet,
I'd sell it in my Web page,
Persistently
I'd tell about THETANS
I'd tell about ARYANS
I'd tell about HOW I HATE THE HEATHENS AND THE PERVERTS
'Cause I'd want more - power for me
Well I'm not a spammer
And I'm no zealot
But I'll defend them
Reluctantly
If my choice is THOSE GUYS
Or Exon's 'DECENCY'
I'm stickin' with the NET THAT HAS THE SPAMMERS AND THE ZEALOTS
'Cause I want more - freedom for me.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Feb 96 01:42:26 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Fitting names
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Kubiske <DEKubiske@AOL.COM>
From: the Compuserve J-Forum.
The latest issue of THE ACADEMIC AUTHOR reported this tidbit from the AAR
NEWSLETTER: Boots, the cat owned by Laura Tucker, recording secretary of the
Association of Authors Representatives, recently gave birth to twins. She
named one Royalty Statement because it was very late and much smaller than
expected. She called the second Ungrateful Author because it bites the hand
that feeds it.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 18:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From your lips to God's ear.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
George Burns turned 100 years old last week. I don't know the secret
to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope
Pauly Shore doesn't know it.
-- Norm MacDonald on SNL
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 96 23:47:11 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Fwd: Travel plans.
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Kathleen Jobe <kaj@u.washington.edu>
My all time favorite question which I was personally asked when I was a
Park Ranger in Wyoming was "Does the mule train at the Grand Canyon have
a dining car?" Honest.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 96 04:48:50 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: House for Rent - 1979
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <JoeShmoe@Misty.com>
This showed up as a true real estate rental add (1979) :
2 BDRM. house: with fireplace,
garage. work shop & large yard.
$200 per month. No children, no
pets, no smokers, no drinkers, no
drugs, no gays, & no freethinkers;
no Buddhists, no Baptists, no
Moonies, no Junies, no Communists
sympathizers, room deodorizers,
nor tranquilizers; no creeps, no
punks, no fools, no losers, no
onions & hold the mayo. In fact,
never mind...I'm going to sell the
property & move to Denver or India
or some place. ( And no musicians.)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Feb 96 14:11:59 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: How many ... That many!?
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Inspired by: a joke from the 2/19 issue of the Nation
Forwarded-by: bdws <bdws@eskimo.com>
Forwarded-by: David W. Cramton <cramtond@elwha.evergreen.edu>
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four hundred and sixty-two:
twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry, sixteen to cut funding
for alternative lighting R&D, thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light
bulbs, fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the
bulb, forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear
instead, and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal
to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 19:35:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I think a shredder might be a good tool...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: hdavies@kzin.mon.rnb.com (Hugh J.E. Davies)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.misc,comp.unix.misc
Subject: Porting IBM JCL to Unix
Date: 26 Jan 1996 12:10:07 GMT
I have been asked as part of a potential downsizing project about the
possibility of automatically converting a large amount of MVS/ESA JCL
(ca. 10,000 files) into some kind of Unix scripts.
Frankly, I haven't the faintest idea how to go about this, other than sitting
down with my OS/360 JCL manual in one hand, the Korn shell manual in the
other and a mountain of JCL listings in front of me, and doing it by hand.
So, I'm looking for suggestions on how to go about this. Perhaps there
is a tool for running JCL under Unix? (After all, it's pitifully simple
compared to most shell scripts). Or someone has already looked at this
and developed some tools? I have no requirements as to what the scripting
language at the Unix end would be (other than a faint leaning towards
Perl), and indeed the flavour of Unix is yet to be decided (although it
will probably be AIX or HP/UX, and I personally lean towards Solaris...).
I's also appreciate any suggestions as to more appropriate places
to ask this question, too!
[Sounds like Sisyphus for modern times. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In the News: About the president's support for school uniforms to cut
down violence, Bill Williams observes, "It doesn't seem to have done much
good for the Postal Service."
"Crews in South Carolina have dug up about 12 million pounds of polluted
mud. Says Jerry Perisho, "The state hopes to recover costs by selling the
sludge to GOP candidates for their final weeks of campaigning in New
Hampshire."
CNN quoted medical researchers saying that the winter depression many
people suffer can be cured by exposure to a special light. Says Argus
Hamilton, "They recommend Bud Light, Miller Lite or Coors Light."
A Richard Nixon postage stamp with a printing error sold at auction for
$16,000. Daniel Dowden says auctioneers were shocked by the price. "No
one thought a flawed Nixon was rare."
Michael Spindler has been ousted as CEO of Apple Computer. Says Kenny
Noble, "Board members were concerned that he might spoil the whole barrel."
Smart Cookies: The Girl Scouts are now selling cookies on the Internet,
via a World Wide Web site: "Instead of going door to door, they're going
window to window." (Joe Kevany)
Dave's Top-10 Signs that Your Spouse if Having an Affair Online:
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. A giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand!!
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams "a colon, backslash, enter, and insert."
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
In a recent interview, "Baywatch's Pamela Lee said her therapist
has advised her to be more feminine. So she's making arrangements
to install a third breast.
-- Conan O'Brien
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 96 03:51:23 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Just HOW cold is it? An Annotated Thermometer
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Hal Glatzer <0002018560@mcimail.com>
During this cold-snap, one of the TV weathermen said:
"It got up to eight degrees today. The average for this date is 24.
So the temperature today was one-third of normal."
Aren't these guys supposed to know something about science???
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 05 Feb 1996 12:09:46 GMT
From: traveler@empire.net (Ned Brickley)
Subject: LART's
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
here's something I read the other day..
"What has an arm and 4 legs"
"A happy pitbull"
** Tell the users you love them. say it with flowers.**
**Send them a Triffid**
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 96 13:01:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Medical Records
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: buckland
Doctors are, for the most part, human. Which means they make blunders and
bloopers just like anybody else.
The current Journal of Polymorphous Perversity offers a collection of
oddball medical reports -- and as the introduction warns, "this varicose
vein of anguished English has in no way been doctored."
Some excerpts:
-- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
-- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
-- He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee
amputation last year.
-- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
-- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
-- The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
-- The patient refused an autopsy.
-- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
-- Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
-- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
-- The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are not
available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 1996 13:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: New horizons in interstellar travel
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
>From the General Technics and Permanent Floating Riot Club mailing list.
I dunno what's more amazing, that someone thought of this or that the
patent was granted.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ChrisTuck@aol: Science Marches ON! 14 Feb 1996 23:47
{#} Replies are directed back to gt-pfrc@angus.mystery.com
{#} To reply to the author, write to ChrisTuck@aol.com
An excerpt from a bit of email from a mate of mine who works for the
patent office.
---Begin Text---
Something I discovered while practicing on APS (the patent office
computer word search system) during a refresher class today:
US PATENT 5,058,833 -- ABSTRACT:
A spaceship is provided with a freely spinning propeller mounted
on the front end. The propeller significantly reduces resistance
to flight and also deflects space particles which might otherwise
slow the craft. The sides of the spacecraft have ridges which are
coated on the front side with radiation reflecting material and
on the back side with radiation absorbing material. The resultant
force of radiations being absorbed from the rear and reflected from
the front propels the craft forward.
I pulled a copy of the patent after the class. Suffice it to say that
the main text makes the abstract look like a model of scientific rigor.
---End Text---
Chris "Perhaps Buck Rodgers had the right idea after all" Tucker
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 15:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: PEBKAC
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Tim Wright <timw@sequent.com>
Forwarded-by: Mike Gilpin <mgilpin@sequent.com>
Excerpted from Tech Support Tales #10
(http://www.nanothinc.com:80/Auricular/techsupporttales.html)
I'm helping support a fairly large client/server installation.
One "trouble ticket" abbreviation we find useful is "PEBKAC":
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 09:35:05 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Pretty Good Parasychology
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ginger Ogle <ginger@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
From: mini-air@chem.harvard.edu
The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1996-02, February, 1996
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
1996-02-06 PGP-Y
Our paranormal testing program has already had one commercial spin-off.
Our engineers have developed a truly foolproof data security protocol. It
is called PGP-Y -- "Pretty Good Parasychology." The mechanism is simple.
You imagine that you have transmitted data to someone; that person then
imagines that he has received it. Using PGP-Y, any type of information
can be transmitted over the Internet with complete security. The key is
that the data is transmitted high over the net -- so high that the data
actually travels above the net rather than within it. The data is
transmitted telepathically (and for those who distrust electronic funds,
we also have a scheme for transmitting cash and gold plate telekinetically.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 96 10:37:38 PDT
From: skip@magnes.com (Ken Velarde)
Subject: Programmer from Essex?
To: spaf
> ObWhinge: recently i bought a keyring in a motorway service station.
> The legend upon it said "Some people make mistakes, I initiate
> disasters". 30 minutes later my car got rearended by an
> analist/programmer from Essex. Bastard!
Wouldn't you expect to get rear-ended by an analist/programmer?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 96 4:30:27 EST
From: gt0466c@prism.gatech.edu (Jennifer Denise Werner)
Subject: senior citizen humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following letter was forwarded by someone who
teaches at a junior high school ; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.
**********************************************************************
Dear Reyer School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks
of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
**********************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 1996 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Stupid Criminal Tricks
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com
Forwarded-by: schaefer@z-code.ncd.com (Barton E. Schaefer)
Retold from a report read in the S.F. Chronicle, Jan 24:
On the morning of Jan. 23rd, a woman paid a friend $10 to drive her
to Oakland and wait in the car while she cashed a check at the bank
around the corner.
A few minutes later, pursued by armed security guards, the woman
ran back to the car and jumped in. As they pulled away, the woman
told her friend that she had just robbed the bank.
The friend, displaying the most presence of mind of anyone in this
whole sordid saga, stopped the car and ordered the woman out.
With wads of cash still in her hands, the woman ran down the street,
trying to flag down and steal a passing car. One of the drivers she
flagged must have seen what she was carrying, because he leaped out
of his car, punched her, and grabbed most of the money.
As the two wrestled in the middle of the street, police arrived and
arrested both of them. The woman was charged with bank robbery and
attempted auto theft, and the man she tried to flag down was charged
with robbing *her*.
Police said this was the first robbery suspect they could recall who
got robbed during commission of the crime. And on top of that, the
robber *paid* to earn this dubious distinction.
On the bright side, she's got a really good shot at getting on The
Late Show for the next installment of Stupid People Tricks ...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 08:35:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tap-dancing on his grave.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: hen@panix.com (Henry Bar-Lewaw)
Saturday's New York Times had a first page obituary for Gene Kelly which
was continued inside the paper. Respectful.
The continuation had three photos -- from "An American in Paris," "Singin'
in the Rain," and "Anchors Aweigh," with Jerry the mouse. Fair enough.
Page one, however, had a picture of Gene gamely hoofing in, of all things,
"Xanadu," which featured Olivia Newton-John as the Muse of Roller-Boogie.
[He deserved better. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 1996 19:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Technical Terminology
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William_Krueger@dallas.csd.sterling.com
Technical Terminology:
486................. The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete............ Any computer you own.
Microsecond......... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art
computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error....... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is
no object."
GUI ("gooey")....... What your computer becomes after
spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip....... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities
while programming.
Keyboard............ The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse............... An advanced input device to make computer errors
easier to generate.
Floppy.............. The state of your wallet after purchasing a
computer
Hard Drive.......... The sales technique employed by most computer
salesmen.
Portable Computer... A device invented to force businesspeople to
work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash.......... A typical computer response to any critical
deadline.
Power User.......... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System update....... A quick method of trashing all of your current software.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 96 04:04:40 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: The importance of correct punctuation...
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com
Forwarded-by: WGelberg
From: Games Magazine (1984)
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be
yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The return of the JCL error.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Rob Pike" <rob@plan9.att.com>
Yes, but what's wrong?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
cfe: Warning 712: irix.c, line 311: illegal combination of pointer and integer
.... ? ( (((long)*arg & 0x1) ?(*arg = (char *)((long)*arg + 7),(char *)((long)*arg-6-_VA_FP_SAVE_AREA)) :(((long)*arg & 0x2) ?(*arg = (char *)((long)*arg +10),(char *)((long)*arg-24-_VA_FP_SAVE_AREA)) :( ((*arg)=(char *)(((unsigned int)(((char *)*arg)+((__builtin_alignof( long))>4?(__builtin_alignof( long)):4)-1)) & -((__builtin_alignof( long))>4?(__builtin_alignof( long)):4)) + (((unsigned int)(((char *)sizeof( long))+((4)>4?(4):4)-1)) & -((4)>4?(4):4)) ), (((char *)*arg) - ((((unsigned int)(((char *)sizeof( long))+((4)>4?(4):4)-1)) & -((4)>4?(4):4)) - sizeof( long))) ) ))) : ( ((*arg)=(char *)(((unsigned int)(((char *)*arg)+((__builtin_alignof( long))>4?(__builtin_alignof( long)):4)-1)) & -((__builtin_alignof( long))>4?(__builtin_alignof( long)):4)) + (((unsigned int)(((char *)sizeof( long))+((4)>4?(4):4)-1)) & -((4)>4?(4):4)) ), (((char *)*arg) - ((((unsigned int)((!
(c!
har *)sizeof( long))+((4)>4?(4):4)-1)) & -((4)>4?(4):4)) - sizeof( long))) ) )))[-1] );
.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - ------ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------!
--!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------^
cfe: Error: irix.c, line 340: redeclaration of 'dirmodeconv'; previous declaration at line 12 in file './fns.h'
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Feb 1996 21:29:55 -0500
From: Mark.R.Horton/id=mhorton@att.com
Subject: the sure way to an A
To: humor@clipper.cb.att.com, rec-humor-funny@uunet.uu.net, yucks
The enclosed message was a real submission for news.announce.important.
The auto-rejector did its thing, but I was amused enough by the message
that I thought it was worth sharing.
Mark
From: tdfoley@mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Thomas D Foley)
Newsgroups: news.announce.important
Subject: the sure way to an A
DO YOU WANT AS BUT DONT HAVE THE TIME TO PUT IN THE NECESSARY HOURS
OF STUDYING THAT IS NEEDED TO OBTAINING THEM? THEN THIS PAMPHLET IS FOR
YOU! THIS BOOKLET SHOWS YOU HOW TO USE YOU FELLOW STUDENT AND VARIOUS
ACADEMIC AIDS TO YOUR BENEFIT. HEY- ITS NOT CHEATING;ITS SHARING. BY
FOLLOWING THESE METHODS, GUIDELINES AND ROUTINES, YOU ARE NOT ONLY GOING
TO PASS THAT TEST BUT IT VERY WELL MIGHT BE ------ THE SURE WAY TO AN A!
THIS INSTRUCTION MANUEL WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO ACE ANY TEST BY :
1)LEARNING A COMPLETE SYSTEM OF NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
2)LEARNING HOW TO CORRECTLY SET UP PROSPECTIVE STUDENTS IN ORDER TO SHARE
FROM THEM.
3) LEARNING TO USE A WIRELESS WALKMAN TO RECEIVE INFORMATION.
4) LEARNING WHERE TO SIT IN A CLASSROOM (NO, ITS NOT IN THE BACK).
5) LEARNING TECHNIQUES TO COUNTERACT A TEACHERS SUSPICION OF YOUR
SHARING. .. AND MUCH MUCH MORE.
THIS COMPREHENSIVE COURSE CAN BE MAILED DIRECTLY TO YU TODAY. MAIL ONE
DOLLAR AND A SELF-ADRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE TO:
TOM FOLEY
8521 5TH AVE.
NORTH BERGEN, NEW JERSEY
07047
*THIS COURSE IS ALSO AVAILABLE ON VIDEO TAPE FOR ONLY $10.00.
** THIS COURSE IS FOR INFORMATION AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
[If you can find fewer than 6 major grammatical errors in Tom's post,
then you may have been a customer. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 18:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: They are much more likely to receive email.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: haynes@xis.xerox.com (Dawn {bob} Haynes)
Forwarded-by: "Dan Sevush" <sevush@xis.xerox.com>
IF GOD WERE A PROGRAMMER...
Some of you programmers expressed irritation about being described as
eccentric in last week's top ten list. To placate you, we present an
excerpt from some email forwarded to us by one of our engineers...
Some important theological questions can best be answered by thinking of
God as a computer programmer:
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left
him.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he
logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait
until tomorrow.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God
thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off
his back and let him program.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 96 18:38:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: thought for today, 2/6/96
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
"It's all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory."
>>>French management saying
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 96 13:50:37 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: travel questions
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Sean Williams <williams@elwha.evergreen.edu>
MY all-time favorite question came fairly regularly when I worked at Many
Glaciers Hotel in Glacier National Park, Montana: "What time do the
glaciers go by?"
From: mgr@aggroup.com (Mike Russell)
Craig Glassner, a ranger for Alcatraz Island (http://www.nps.gov/alcatraz/)
"Where do the prisoners stay while the park is open to the public?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 14:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Valentine's Day Posting
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Hsu <hsu@va.pubnix.com>
Forwarded-by: Pravin Kumar/MANUGISTICS <Pravin_Kumar@manu.com>
The following was in the Washington Post this morning ... I am
not making this up:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jim,
My BOOB (Best Object-Oriented Buddy)! We are a class all our own, an
encapsulation of two objects, guided by only one rule, our love. Who
could predict the instances and events that would trigger a state of
such perfect polymorphism! I would surely require some kind of method
or logical endeavor. So please be mine, sweet Valentine! Together we
shall inherit the world! Your loving object oriental,
Lise
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 1996 07:35:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: WAN pioneers
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: John Kunze <jak@ckm.ucsf.edu>
From: Archie Warnock <warnock@clark.net>
So, like J. BABB was saying to me just the other day:
Did you know Aretha Franklin was a pioneer in WAN technology?
No? Listen to the lyrics of her most popular song:
"I use TCP/IP, find out what it means to me
BootP, ISO-DE
Takin' care of TCBs
Socket to me, socket to me, socket to me....."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You see the oddest things go by on alt.best-of-usenet...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James Williams" <williams@buzz>
Forwarded-by: bane@gst.gsti.com (Robert Bane)
From: shrchin@reading.ac.uk (Jonathan. H. N. Chin)
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Subject: Re: ASR London - The Next Generation
cuccia@motherhouse.Talamasca.COM (Nick Cuccia) writes:
>--Nick (still working on towers of hanoi in sendmail.cf...)
Bastard.
I was planning to go home early for once.
Here:
# Towers of Hanoi
S49
RHANOI:$+ $:1 2 3$1
R$-$-$-$*[$+] $:$1$2$3$4
R$-$-$- $@$1$2$3
R$-$-$-@$* $:$>49 $1$3$2$4
R$-$-$-$* $:$>49 $2$3$1$4[Move Top Disk Of Peg $1 To Peg $3]
R$-$-$-$* $:$3$2$1@$4
Add to your /etc/sendmail.cf equivalent.
If S49 is in use, change the three `49's to an unused ruleset.
Invoke with something like:
echo '49 HANOI:@@@@' | /usr/sbin/sendmail -bt -d21
Add `@'s to taste.
Assumes you have three pegs and want to move the stack from
the first peg to the second.
v8 output is cleaner than SunOS.
Was too lazy to make it count (ie. let `HANOI:14', etc, work);
Didn't seem too hard, but kind of long-winded and tedious.
Anyone know the iterative (non-recursive) solution?
[Some people have entirely too much free time. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------