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Yucks Digest V5 #4 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 1 Feb 95 Volume 5 : Issue 4
Today's Topics:
"That's very different from skinning someone who didn't request it."
Air Sickness Bags
A local TV reporter...
A Simple Joke...
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye.
Breathe Right - reprise (Dave Barry)
But did he inhale?
Dies & Wafers questions
Even More SPAM(tm)OLOGY
Friendly RISKS
Good To Know
Highway sign just south of Delaware Memorial Bridge
Hypnotherapy horror stories wanted
IOTD (Intro ...)
It's my pleasure to be knocked.
It's the Barbie home page!
It was naughty, but didn't merit what happened next.
job posting
Joke for YUCKS...
JOTD (2 msgs)
Meditating on TA (Transcendental Admiration)
News of the Wired (tm)
one can only speculate on the original message
Orthodox interface
QOTD (8 msgs)
Query from Anon re: perms on kmem (Slowlaris)
Realization
Recent explosion of doctors on Usenet (Was Re: paranoid)
redefined non-English phrases
Reply to this or God will smite me dead!
Subject-oriented programming
Take that you cheerful, happy-go-lucky bastards!
The RISKS of being stupid
The risks of direct marketing
Women from the Twilight Zone
Your files are safe with Bob
Yucks thought.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 08:30:52 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "That's very different from skinning someone who didn't request it."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: WhiteBoard News for January 27, 1995
Portland, Oregon:
The state's morticians, following a dead poet's request that his skin be
used to cover a book of poems, think Oregon needs to draw some boundaries
on courteous treatment of a human corpse.
That has resulted in one of the stranger bills before the state Legislature.
Legislation pending in the House Judiciary Committee would give the State
Mortuary and Cemetery Board the authority to set standards regarding the
"offensive treatment of a dead human body."
The mortuary board asked for that authority after Donal Russell willed that
he be skinned and that his skin be used to bind his poetry. Russell's widow
wanted to abide by her husband's wishes.
Oregon morticians balked but found they had no clear authority to refuse.
"I don't think the society we live in accepts that dead human bodies are
going to be used to make items," said Lucinda Potter, executive director of
the state mortuary board.
Although state laws against corpse abuse might preclude skinning a corpse,
it wasn't clear they applied to Russell, since he asked for it, Potter said.
"That's very different from skinning someone who didn't request it."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 17:36:46 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Air Sickness Bags
To: spaf
stevebo@onramp.net (stevebo@onramp.net) posted on rec.travel.air
=> I'm a collector of Air Sickness Bags. I am interested in obtaining
=> new ones. My collection includes those you see below. If you
=> happen to be flying an airline not on the list, would you be able
=> to get me one from there (unless it's plain white)?
and, curiosity caused mike@act_travel.win.net to
follow up with a brief question....
=> NEW, OR PREVIOUSLY OWNED? JUST KIDDING - MIKE
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 10:34:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A local TV reporter...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
[Names deleted to protect all, guilty and innocent alike. ;-}]
A local TV reporter came to [our site] today to do a story on our work
with computers. Ordinarily, I'd say that was a good thing; Samuel Goldwyn
once said that "There is no bad publicity." However, it wasn't so good
as one might like, because of what she wanted to talk about. There are
several interesting topics one could do, but she wasn't interested.
Even if the process of education isn't interesting, and even if she
isn't interested in how we're using [our rather large amount of grant
money] there are other interesting topics she might have asked about.
She might have asked about the research being done here on expert systems,
but she didn't. Or maybe about reliability issues, and the safety of
computer-controlled equipment, in light of the Pentium error. She might
have asked about allowing games on machines paid for with tax money, and
the issues involved in such decisions. What about people breaking into
computer systems? Nope, she didn't ask about that.
There are some ways that new technology doesn't fit into established legal
categories. Anonymous posting allows people to send Playboy centerfolds
to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica -- violating copyrights without being
caught. Students, possibly under 18, have access to material which might
be considered obscene; there are some interesting questions there.
She might have just wanted an overview of the equipment we have and how
it is used and how it works. But no, that's not what she wanted either.
So, what *did* she want? The nice reporter and her cameraman were here
in our computer room trying to find out about Internet resources with
information on OJ Simpson. Now, so far as I know, nobody on campus was
interested in OJ at all. But when she was on TV, she made it appear as if
everybody was glued to all the OJ newsgroups. Her closing line was "OJ
news is in the fast lane on the Information Superhighway", or some such
rot. To her credit, the woman appeared a bit disgusted about the story
herself, but she isn't the boss.
Sigh. Nothing anybody can do about it, of course, but it feels good to
rant.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 95 01:28:30 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: A Simple Joke...
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Saul Feldman <well.sf.ca.us!sdf@bellcore.bellcore.com>
A racist, a sexist, and a homophobe walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. Limbaugh?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:59:14 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'til somebody loses an eye.
It hurts like the blazes
and makes you make faces
and you can't let your mates see you cry.
Life seems two-dimensional,
quite unconventional,
no bleeding need to ask why.
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
'til somebody loses an eye.
But it's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be, you can't be)
With all of your parts.
It's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be a pirate)
With all of your parts.
-- Don Freed, from his song, "Being a Pirate" (on
his tape "Live ARR!" on Bushleague Records
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 18:47:21 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@piranha.pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Breathe Right - reprise (Dave Barry)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
A similar item, the ``Sully Nose Spreader'',
appeared in Dave Barry's _Gift Guide to End
All Gift Guides_ (50% off at Barnes & Noble
after Christmas!)
Highly recommended. I especially like the
Roadkill Travel Bingo, and the preserved Cow
Reproductive Tract ("...nobody can look directly
at it...")
[I got the book for Christmas. I also recommend it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 08:35:55 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: But did he inhale?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Last Friday, Oprah admitted she once did crack and the people
applauded and her ratings went up... I did crack too. A lot
of it. In fact, I did some right before the show.
-- Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show
------------------------------
Date: 31 Jan 95 23:34:42 GMT
From: bernecky@eecg.toronto.edu (Robert Bernecky)
Subject: Dies & Wafers questions
Newsgroups: comp.arch
In article <3gmc2r$os1@moe.cc.emory.edu> labccc@moe.cc.emory.edu (Chris Chung) writes:
>Brendan (bpirie@bev.net) wrote:
>: hendrick@hp-and.an.hp.com (Dave Hendrickson) wrote:
>: :Why are wafers circular? I understand that the silicon ingot is roughly sausage
>: :shaped and that it is then sliced thinly crossways to get the wafer. But why
>: :can't they make square "sausage" ingots to get square wafers. It seems that
>: :you'd get more dies per wafer area that way.
>
>ppb range) the silicon ingot cannot come into contact with
>*anything* while it is forming. The only shape that an ingot
>takes without a mold is circular due surface tension forces.
A related query: Why not cut the ingots to produce elliptical
wafers, ala olivettes, noisettes, or Parisienne'd vegetables?
{Cf. Joy of Cooking, p. 251} This would achieve much the same
result. It won't work, of course, if the crystal lattice has to
face up.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 95 13:41:06 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Even More SPAM(tm)OLOGY
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: Robert Bedichek <robertb@hing.LCS.MIT.EDU>
Forwarded-by: kubitron@lcs.mit.edu
Forwarded-by: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Forwarded-by: "Peter Fraser" <Peter_Fraser@macmail.lbl.gov>
From: Anon.
Ode to SPAM(tm)
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 95 04:32:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Friendly RISKS
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)
[Originator info not available. Sorry. - larryy]
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the
"personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program,
Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly"
coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's
computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless
worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing
to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise
have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently
undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for
Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some
Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer
and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java
yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is
just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a
little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like
this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob
Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't
occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt
to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him
puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would
confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 18:12:26 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good To Know
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpej (thorpej@cs.orst.edu)
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>
Did you know that the FDA considers chocolate acceptable for
public consumption as long as there are less than 60 microscopic
insect fragments per 100 grams (approx. one candy bar).
Kinda helps out with those New Years Resolutions ....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 95 15:53:44 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Highway sign just south of Delaware Memorial Bridge
To: yucks
Should you be so fortunate as to be *leaving* the state of New Jersey
via the Delaware Memorial Bridge (I-295 south into Delaware), you'll see
this on the left side just after you pay your toll:
_______________
| |
| INFORMATION |
| |
| POLICE |
|_____________|
| |
| |
| |
| |
|___|
[Using Clipper, no doubt. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 1995 14:01:15 +1100 (EST)
From: Dave Horsfall <dave@esi.COM.AU>
Subject: Hypnotherapy horror stories wanted
To: spaf
Dunno if you can use this - it showed up in "control":
Control: : HYPNOTHERAPY HORROR STORIES WANTED
Newsgroups: alt.drugs.caffeine.ctl
From: joeshea@netcom.com (Joe Shea)
Subject: HYPNOTHERAPY HORROR STORIES WANTED
Fox News (KTTV Ch. 11) in Los Angeles is seeking the horror
stories of those who have been ripped off by computer repair people.
Please e-mail me at joeshea@netcom.com if you or someone you know
has a story they'd like to tell on TV.
Fox News (KTTV Ch. 11) in Los Angeles is seeking horror stories
from persons who have been in hypnotherapy. Please e-mail me at
joeshea@netcom.com if you or someone you know has a story about
hypnotherapy or hypnotherapists they'd like to tell on TV.
Fox News (KTTV Ch. 11) in Los Angeles is seeking stories associated
with methamphetamine use. Please e-mail me at joeshea@netcom.com
if you or someone you know has a story about the methamphetamines or
methamphetamine users they'd like to tell on TV.
[If you've been hypnotized by a TV repairman on speed who then
ripped you off, please call Geraldo. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 95 12:09:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: IOTD (Intro ...)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: editor-bounce@netsurf.com
From: Netsurfer Digest Volume 01, Issue 08
A collection of mutant human beings slugs it out for fame in front of
teeming millions. No, it's not the Miss America pageant, but rather
the culmination of that odd ritual known as American football. ...
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 17:15:08 -0500
From: gb (Gerald Baumgartner)
Subject: It's my pleasure to be knocked.
To: spaf
Here's a nice poem from a box of `Dueble' (Japanese sweets):
Oh fair, Oh honey, My dear sweet fairy.
Bring me a tiny peace.
It's my pleasure to be knocked.
Is there an `up' missing here somewhere?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 09:55:55 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's the Barbie home page!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: hitz@supernova (Dave Hitz)
It's the Barbie home page:
http://deepthought.armory.com/~zenugirl/barbie.html
They didn't have any of the scenes from that museum in germany,
but they did have the "OJ & Nicole" Barbie and the "Rock'N Roll
Slut Barbie", so it wasn't a complete loss.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 13:43:43 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It was naughty, but didn't merit what happened next.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David Boyce <dave@advent.demon.co.uk>
"It was the filthy, foul-mouthed verbal assaults more than the actual
violence that really upset my son," Martha Shear told reporters. "It's
not right that my seven-year-old should hear the Mighty Mouse, his
favourite animal character, shouting at him: `I'm going to kick the
fucking crap out of you, you little bastard.'"
Mrs. Shear described the incident which occurred outside the Chuck E.
Cheese pizza parlour. "I invited my son's friends there for his birthday
party, because Chuck E. Cheese - the Mighty Mouse - usually puts on such
a good show for the children on the lawn outside. Michael's at that
curious age, so he sneaked up on Chuck during the show and yanked the head
off his costume. It was naughty, but didn't merit what happened next. The
old guy inside the costume grabbed my son, said he'd had enough of crap
like him, threw him onto a wooden bench, and started kicking the living
daylights out of him in front of the other kids. I screamed at Chuck to
stop, but he kept jumping up and down on my boy. In the end, it took four
short order chefs to pull him off, and now Michael's in hospital with
concussion. After that, the guy went into his fire-eating routine and
tried to set himself alight."
[The Washington Post, via Private Eye.]
[Mrs. Shear should contact joshea@netcom.com with Channel 11... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 13:54:57
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: job posting
To: spaf
Spaf, please leave my name off of this if you decide to use it.
The names have been elided to protect the guilty.
EXCEPTIONAL OPPORTUNITY FOR COMPUTER PROFESSIONAL:
[job description deleted]
Initial pay below market but succesful candidate may participate
in growth of company[...]
Entrepenurial spirit a must.
^^^^^^^^
LOSE.MONEY.FAST
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 13:16:33 -0500 (EST)
From: mtn@aisinc.com (Michael T. Nieters)
Subject: Joke for YUCKS...
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
I know you said you weren't running any more Pentium jokes in YUCKS, but
I thought of one which might make you laugh and might make it into the
submission... You have to remember, I'm a programmer not a stand up
comic but I thought this was pretty good...
Did you hear about the new Arnold movie? In this one Arnold is a Pentium
chip computer.... it's called the Approximator.
HA!
later.
--mike
P.S. I'm not planning on giving up my day job, just in case you were wondering.
[You have somewhat reassured us all. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 11:31:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: othar@Heuristicrat.COM (Othar Hansson)
The q.com discussion reminds me of the Woody Allen joke about the
Vodka Ad:
The phone rings and a voice on the other end says "How would you
like to be this year's `Vodka Man'?"
I said "No. ... I'm an artist and I do not do commercials; I
don't pander; I don't drink vodka, and if I did ... I wouldn't
drink your vodka."
And they said "That's too bad. It pays $50,000."
And I said "Hold on ... I'll put Mr. Allen on the phone."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:41:50 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: "Henry Cate III" <cate3@netcom.com>
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know
in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me
a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished
his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm
right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out
that stormclouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show
that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other
to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a
tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi,
but friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not
be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi is getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes,
and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three,
and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 95 20:19:39 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Meditating on TA (Transcendental Admiration)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: Neil Gershenfeld <neilg@media.mit.edu>
From: Eugene Wigner's introduction to Special Functions, A Group Theoretic
Approach, by James D. Talman:
"All of us have admired, at one time or another, the theory of the higher
transcendental functions"
[At least, those of us with too much time on our hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 95 13:16:48 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: News of the Wired (tm)
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: aggroup.com!mgr@bellcore.bellcore.com (Mike Russell)
> When the US distribution of a new film about England's King George III was
> being planned, the name was changed to "The Madness of King George" - they
> were afraid some people would think that they missed parts I and II.
On each package of Twining's Earl Grey tea is the helpful message,
"named for an English nobleman".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 15:54:06 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: one can only speculate on the original message
To: spaf
Whilst perusing "sci.op-research" (that IS job related)
I came across the following post......
=> Posted-By: 74361.2653@CompuServe.COM
=> Subject: Re: Request: Optimum shit cutting.
=> Newsgroups: sci.op-research
=>
=> I don't suppose Optimum Shit Cutting is related to
=> Multidimensional Crapsack Packing? Anyway, there's
=> a good article on an LP-Based Method for Multi-sheet
=> Cutting in the latest quarterly publication of the
=> Canadian Operational Research Society, INFOR, Volume
=> 32 Number 4, November 1994. The paper was submitted
=> by Richard Loulou, Prof of Mgmnt Science at McGill Univ
=> & Fabien Chauny, Asst Prof, Stats & Ops Research at
=> Ecole des Hautes Etudes Commerciales in Montreal. Back
=> issues can be obtained for CDN$20.00 from Journals Dept,
=> Univ of Toronto Press Inc., 5201 Dufferin St., North
=> York, Ont., Canada M3H 5T8.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 95 4:30:02 EST
From: (null)
Subject: Orthodox interface
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A recent newspaper story described the dilapidated state of the Russian
Orthodox churches being given back to the church by the Russian
government. Most have the glass missing from their windows, the
religious icons are missing, etc.
My friend Howard, upon reading the article, commented:
"No windows, no icons? I guess they'll have to say Mass at the prompt."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 16:44:56 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Forwarded-by: sane@delirius.cs.uiuc.edu (Aamod Sane)
They just sent out announcements for the conference on massively
parallel systems. I got 600 of them.
-- Andrew Koenig
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 18:09:06 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
I'm not shy. I'm studying my prey.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:36:29 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch."
-- friend of Archimedes
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 08:37:37 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
The following errata sheet was included with material shipped by the
Particle Data Group, Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory:
The "centimeters" on the ruler on p. 227 of the Booklet are 0.97 long,
because:
a) The booklet was returned from the printer at 0.25 times the
speed of light;
b) A theorist is in charge of the Particle Data Group;
c) The PDG feels it has the right to redefine anything it wants;
d) There is a general decline of standards;
e) There was an international conspiracy;
f) It was a congressionally-mandated cost-saving measure;
g) PDG gives you more cm/inch than anyone else.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 12:58:21 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent,
hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent
that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
-- Lily Tomlin
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 08:28:14 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space:
Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser
my mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the
standards of its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive
construction of maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces,
fitted and glued with the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass
fixtures, and looks today -- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it
was purchased, a quarter century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of
furniture, you might say. But let's look at it objectively, as a machine,
as an object with a purpose. Here sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with
a compressive strength of 1500 psi, jointed by an expert craftsman into
a rigid box that would easily support a bull elephant. And what is the
sole purpose of this massive crate, this monument to a dead tree? -- it
holds my socks.
Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also
an environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a
sentinel post for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living
creature, was chopped down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends,
is no way to run a planet.
-- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: Colonizing
the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 15:17:45 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Paul Brown <pbrown@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Hookt awn fonix werkt fore me!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 18:57:15 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
You know why we don't talk to computers yet: because it's hard
to wreck a nice beach.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 09:25:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Reto Lichtensteiger <rali@hri.com>
Subject: Query from Anon re: perms on kmem (Slowlaris)
To: bugtraq@fc.net
[message body deleted -- the signature's the thing. --spaf]
"The system has been practicing a noncomputational lifestyle ever
since the boot disk became I/O challenged."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 23:39:48 GMT
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Realization
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <3g8i3q$3to@longwood.cs.ucf.edu> schnitzi@longwood.cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius) writes:
>The Ansel Adams calendar I got as a Christmas present
>has become much more tolerable since I realized that
>you're supposed to color it in. Unfortunately the
>dry-erase markers in my office only come in three
>colors, but I'm making due.
Someday you will be forced to share a little corner of Hell with
Ted Turner. And then you will have a long time to think back on
what you have done.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 1995 08:21:53 GMT
From: ogre@netcom.com (Dr. Ogre)
Subject: Recent explosion of doctors on Usenet (Was Re: paranoid)
Newsgroups: alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die,alt.religion.kibology,alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die
Tjames Madison (tjames@netcom.com) wrote:
: Dr. Ogre (ogre@netcom.com) wrote:
: [When did everyone all of a sudden become Doctors?][Why?]
Well, this guy claiming his name was "F non-stick harpsichord" or
something like that came by my house and yelled "YOU! YES, YOU! YOU'RE
A DOCTOR, DEAL WITH IT!" and handed me a piece of paper reading
This is to certify that _Joe Rumsey_ AKA _Ogre_ holds an honorary
doctorate in the field of Misapplied Psychometry.
It is written in green crayon, with the names filled in in burnt
umber.
He then ran off iggling like a madman and yelling "Where's your
pixel now, you sorry bastard?"
This all took about 5 seconds, leaving me reeling and with a craving
for duct tape. Anyway, the point is, I'm not happy about it, but I'm
now a doctor, and the law says I must refer to myself as such. If
anyone knows how to get rid of an honorary doctorate, PLEASE let me
know.
: -Dr. Tjames
Oh no, it happened to you too! I'm so sorry.
Dr. Ogre
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 95 15:11 EST
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: redefined non-English phrases
To: spaf
These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked
competitors to change ONE letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY-Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you
should never know.
MAZEL TON - Lots of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 04:51:32 GMT
From: pjl@graceland.att.com (Paul J. Lucas)
Subject: Reply to this or God will smite me dead!
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c++
In <hanser.3.790313999@wwc.edu> hanser@wwc.edu (ERIC LAYMAN HANSON) writes:
>Please help me! I'm desperate! I've scanned all the manuals that I can
>find looking for this function. I know its out there someplace, but I just
>can't find it. It's really basic (no pun intended), here's what I'm looking
>for:
>I want a function that you can send a char* variable, and a number (n), and
>it will return the nth letter in the char*. Otherwise, it returns a blank
>space, or returns an error or something. Like so:
>main ()
> {
> char* text = "Golly, I wish I could find this function...";
> cout << "The 10th character is "
> << Evasive_function_which_I_cant_find (text, 10);
> return (0);
> }
>output:
>w
>Please help me. I'll kill this dog if nobody replies to this. (sorry...)
1. You don't really need a function for this at all.
2. Sorry, but the net ought not to do your homework for you.
3. Say goodbye to the dog for me.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 1995 19:20:56 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Subject-oriented programming
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
[Heavily edited to get to the good stuff... --mao]
From: zicari@informatik.uni-frankfurt.de
C A L L F O R P A P E R S
Special Issue of
Theory and Practice of Object Systems (TAPOS)
on Subjectivity in Object-Oriented Systems
Subjectivity is an area of growing interest and importance in
the object-oriented community. Especially in large systems or
suites of applications, it is often important that the same
objects appear different and behave differently when used in
different contexts, by different clients, in different ways, or
at different times.
[It was bound to happen... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 11:49:27 -0500
From: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Take that you cheerful, happy-go-lucky bastards!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Children who are prudent, dependable, and dour may get extra life on
the planet as adults, according to 60 years of U.S. research on 1,178
people who were children in the 1920's. Conscientious youngsters grew
up to be careful adults who smoked and drank less, says psychologist
Howard Friedman of the University of California, Riverside. Those with
a high degree of "cheerfulness" (a combination of optimism and a sense
of humour) at age 11 were about 20 per cent more likely to die in any
given year than the least cheerful.
-- From the "Globe and Mail".
[Naw, it just *seems* longer. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 08:02:42 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The RISKS of being stupid
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: Edupage 1/29/96
CALL-FORWARD PLUMBING
A Pennsylvania plumber tried to expand his business by ordering
call-forwarding service for his rivals and having the calls
re-routed to himself. He is under indictment. (New York Times,
1/29/95 p.21)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 1995 11:33:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The risks of direct marketing
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: tompar@world.std.com (Tom Parmenter)
Forwarded-by: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
From: a Technology Review (7/93) article on sophisticated uses of
databases for personalizing junk mail:
One clever marketer for an anti-aging cream compiled a list of likely
prospects and mailed out ads with before-and-after pictures with a
personalized note scrawled across the top along the lines of "Kathy --
Try this. It works. R." A recently divorced woman, convinced that
the note came from her ex-husband's new wife, murdered them both.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 11:06:22 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Women from the Twilight Zone
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
There's an on-line personals section at:
http://www.iquest.net/cdromance/
which has a page letting you choose whether you're looking for men or
women, and select different zones of the US, those being "Eastern Zone",
"Pacific Zone", "Mountain Zone", "Central Zone", or "Twilight Zone".
I said "what the hell, what women do they have in the Twilight Zone",
and got:
80 Matches Selected.
1. Accustomed to the good life
2. 26 years of age, brown hair and eyes
3. Blonde physical therapist
4. Muscular NC fan
5. Slim student interested in friendship
6. College student looking for friendly guy
7. 28-year-old seeking a tall man
8. Brunette physician
9. Young topless dancer
...
so I guess you get your choice of professions from doctor to physical
therapist to topless dancer to less reputable professions like
69. Computer Programmer
(They also have
29. 39-year-old Israeli Psychic
but I don't have Uri Geller's e-mail address to forward to her.)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 17:27:48 GMT
From: garon@netcom.com (Tim Garon)
Subject: Your files are safe with Bob
Newsgroups: comp.security.misc
Igor Chudov (ichudov@wiltel.com) wrote:
: Bear Giles (bear@bora.fsl.noaa.gov) wrote in comp.security.misc:
: : I find it hard to give credence to this, but then again we're
: : talking about Microsoft....
: : A coworker reported that a local newspaper (Boulder _Daily Camera_,
: : 24 Jan 1995) had an article on "Bob", and says that among other
: : things Bob will ask for your password three times, and if you can't
: : provide one it's real friendly and asks if you want to change your
: : password to something easier to remember/type!
: : I thought this was a really dumb plot point in an old _Miami Vice_
: : episode, but decided to toss it out to the wolves in case this
: : description is accurate.
: : Has anyone else heard about this "feature"?
: Yep, I read it, too. I think it was a mistake of some news agency, it sounds
: way too stupid to anybody who has ever used passwords.
As stupid as it may sound, it's true. We (being the editorial staff at
Infosecurity News) found it odd, so we went stright to the source: the
friendly folks at Microsoft. This is what they said: Yes Bob allows you
to change your password if you enter it incorrectly three times. However,
Bob is intended for home PCs where there is generally only one user.
I guess I won't be putting Bob on my home PC. My roommate could easily
scan all my files even though I think they're password protected.
Tim Garon, Infosecurity News
[Sigh. As if I need another reason to wonder why Microsoft stays in
business. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 22:56:01 -0500
From: mcrosbie (Mark Joseph Crosbie)
Subject: Yucks thought.
To: spaf
I read this in a letter to the Irish Times. A very appropriate comment
on the Orange Juice trial:
At times such as this, one wishes U-boats had been around
during the time of the Mayflower.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------