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Yucks Digest V3 #2
Yucks Digest Tue, 12 Jan 93 Volume 3 : Issue 2
Today's Topics:
Amazing Fortune Telling Machine
A virtual Christmas card from Neil Gaiman
Best Headline of '93, so far
Bongo Buttocks
Bosnia Peace Conference
Funnies for Yucks
FYA - how the Internet rates as a 'secret society'
I Mooned the Klan, Austin '93
insurance that doesn't pay
Joke announcement (BASH 1.11.1.1 troff macro completion)
Kwality Kontrol
Look who's on the internet...
marzipan raspberry
new year's reflections
NOTW
Our top story tonight ...
So you want to be a writer?
The Space Shuttle Disaster Coverup Conspiracy (with extra slaw)
The Usenet
Things to know before you travel (fwd)
Your Kind of Place
Yucks Digest V2 #63 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
From: alex@ipac.caltech.edu
Subject: Amazing Fortune Telling Machine
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This guy is at a train station and he has half an hour to kill so he's
bored and he's wandering around and he sees one of thsoe old-fashioned
scales which gives you a fortune. So he thinks, what the heck, and he
goes over to it and puts in a quarter and stands on it, and a card pops
out which says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, and you
weight 162 pounds". And as it happens, his name _is_ David Roth and he
_is_ Jewish, and he is totally amazed. So he goes over to the ticket
window, and asks the teller if he can give the scale a try, so the
teller stands on it and his card says "you're name is Richard Miller,
you're half Irish, and you weigh 190 pounds." and the teller assures
him that this is correct. And they are both really amazed and puzzled,
so they wander arund the station looking for someone to fool the scale.
They finally find a guy who is half russian and half australian
aborigine, and has a wooden arm. And this guy stands on the scale puts
in his quarter, and his card reads "your name is sergei Goolagong, you
have a wooden arm, you're half russian and half australian aborigine,
and you weight 193 pounds". And they are all flabbergasted. So David
Roth (the first guy) gets really puzzled and tries to figure out how to
fool the scale, so he remembers a friend of his who is one quarter
lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter german and one
quarter hottentot, and is a midget" So he drives off to find her , and
she agrees to come stand on the scale, and when she does, she puts in a
quarter and gets a card which says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you
are a midget, you are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american
indian, one quarter german and one quarter hottentot,
and you weigh 103 pounds". So David Roth thinks for a while and then
says, wait, get back on the scale. So she does, and then he stands on
the scale next to her, and he puts in a quarter. And out pop _two_
cards. One says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you are a midget, you
are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter
german and one quarter hottentot, and you weigh 103 pounds". The other
card says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, you weigh 162
pounds, and you just missed your train"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 18:06:33 -0500
From: vnend%nudity@Princeton.EDU (David W. James)
Subject: A virtual Christmas card from Neil Gaiman
To: eniac
HERE'S A VIRTUAL XMAS CARD FOR YOU ALL. IT'S A VERY SHORT (100 Word) STORY,
BY ME, ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN 'DRABBLE II', SOME YEARS AGO. LATER,
CALLIGRAPHED BY DAVE MCKEAN, IT ACTUALLY BECAME MY XMAS CARD FOR A YEAR OR SO.
Nicholas Was..
older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He
wanted to die.
The dwarfish natives of the arctic caverns did not speak his
language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue,
conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually
working in the factories.
Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting,
into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every
child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by
its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.
He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His
punishment was harsher.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Copyright Neil Gaiman 1992 and earlier
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 93 0:04:27 EST
From: Mike Godwin <mnemonic@eff.org>
Subject: Best Headline of '93, so far
To: eniac
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (UPI)
Newsgroups: clari.local.texas,clari.news.sex
Subject: Supreme Court to hear oral arguments in sodomy case
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 93 16:55:59 PST
From: John_James_Bomberger@cup.portal.com
Subject: Bongo Buttocks
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage
Capitol Couples, a local swing club is having a bongo buttocks contest
at the next meeting. The purpose of this contest is for one partner to
bare the buttocks of the other partner and with them over their knee
either a capella or with the aid of accompaniment, bongo out a rythm on
the exposed buttocks. My initial thought is that if Mistress could
learn to do it, the song Wipe Out would be a sure winner. Any
suggestions out there? BTW I am not attempting to waste anyone's time,
by their own admission, this contest is intended to allow the s&m
practitioners in the group an opportunity to play.
[As Patrick Tufts wrote when he forwarded this, there seems to
be a newsgroup for just about everything.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 93 3:20:02 EST
From: gnb@bby.com.au (Gregory Bond)
Subject: Bosnia Peace Conference
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Bosnian peace talks continued in Geneva today. The only thing
that Alija Izetbegovic, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosovic could
agree on was that John Major has a funny name.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1992 11:32:04 -0500
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: Funnies for Yucks
To: spaf
from the Dec. 1992 issue of Washington Journalism Review:
Take 2
Winning Headline
Godiva and Seagram Meet for a Drink
(New York Times, on a story about a new chocolate liqueur)
Say Again?
Debates continue; end may be near
(Daily Commercial, Leesburg, Florida)
Boy wants to mount autographed guitar
(Branson, Missouri, Tri-Lakes Daily News)
What's It Take?
"A tragedy was narrowly averted last Wednesday when a
Hailey man accidentally ran over his toddler daughter
with a pickup truck."
(from the Ketchum, Idaho, Mountain Express)
Copy Editor on Holiday
"It was a heartwarming story, to the point I was almost
balling my eyes out watching."
(from a reader's letter to USA Today)
Alphabet Soup
WPIAL boots JHS into AAAA
(Johnstown, Pennsylvania, Tribune-Democrat)
Corrections of the Month
"Because of a reporter's error, Antonia Chacon was
identified as owning a Los Angeles bakery in a story on
tamales in the September 16 food section. Chacon does not
own a bakery, but she does make great tamales, according
to her daughter...."
(from the San Jose Mercury News)
"...a story about presidential candidate Ross Perot's
television commercial about the economy misquoted him as
e're in deep doo-doo, folks.' In fact, Perot said,
e're in deep voodoo, folks.' "
Who Cares?
"Moreover, school officials said there was a lack of
parent involvement in a program aimed at remedying
parental apathy."
(from a story in the Fort Worth Star Telegram)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 10:25:55 EST
From: droms@sol.cs.bucknell.edu (Ralph E. Droms)
Subject: FYA - how the Internet rates as a 'secret society'
To: systems
(Forwarded [and edited] from the Internet Society mailing list - RD.)
From: esr@snark.thyrsus.com (Eric S. Raymond)
Subject: The Net achieves major-conspiracy status!
The year-end double issue of "The Economist" (widely considered the best
general-news magazine in the English language) includes an article "Being One
Of Us" that offers a slightly tongue-in-cheek tour of the "networks that run
the world". The list includes:
The Old Etonians (England's Elite)
Cambridge University Conservative Association (British Tories)
Skull And Bones (American ditto)
Inspection Generale Des Finances (French gov't)
The Doon School (India)
Law School of Tokyo University (Japan)
The Rhodes Scholars
Mont Pelerin Society (Free-market economists)
Committee to Defend the Workers (Poland)
Soviet Communist Party
Muslim Brotherhood
Broederbund (White South Africa)
Opus Dei (Catholics)
Freemasonry
The Trilateral Commission
This would have been of only passing interest to netters. But the last
two listings are the kicker. They are, respectively,
USENET/Internet
The Bavarian Illuminati
Find the article and read it. The Bavarian Illuminati entry is particularly
funny -- it reads like it was written by Robert Anton Wilson.
--
In THE ECONOMIST issue dated Decemeber 26, 1992-January 8, 1993) there
is an article beginning on page 20 entitled "THE GOOD NETWORK GUIDE -
Being one of us." The article ranks networking groups on power,
secrecy, organisation, strength of beliefs, peculiarity of rituals,
and exclusivity. Amongst the organisations discussed are Skull and
Bones (Yale University), Rhodes Scholars, the Muslim Brotherhood,
Freemasons, Opus Dei, and Internetters. Internetters ranked near the
top for Strength of Beliefs (Gee, I read a '2' in that category for
'Internetters'. I've made a copy of the original article and the
table is correct - RD) and at the top for Peculiarity of Rituals!
Here's the "summary" as found on "alt.conspiracy":
Courtesy "The Economist", 12/26/92-1/8/93 issue, volume 325 #7791.
The following are measured on a scale from 0 to 5, 0 = lowest, 5 = highest:
P = Power
S = Secrecy
O = Organization
B = Strength of Beliefs
P = Peculiarity of rituals
E = Exclusivity
Conspiracy ("Network") P S O B P E
--------------------------------------------- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Old Etonians 3 1 1 2 3 4
Cambridge University Conservative Association 3 1 4 0 2 2
Skull and Bones 2 4 2 0 5 5
Inspection Generale de Finance 5 2 5 3 1 5
Doon School 4 1 2 3 1 4
Law School of Tokyo U. 5 2 5 3 1 5
Rhodes Scholarship 3 0 3 1 1 4
Mont Pelerin Society 2 3 3 5 2 3
Committee to Defend the Workers (KOR) 4 3 3 4 1 4
The Communist Party (XSU) 4 5 2 1 1 3
Broederbond 4 4 4 4 4 2
Muslim Brotherhood 2 3 4 5 3 1
Opus Dei 2 4 4 5 5 1
Freemasonry 3 4 4 3 5 2
Trilateral Commission 4 3 3 1 0 5
USENET and Internet 2 0 1 2 5 1
Order of Illuminati 5 5 5 5 5 5
Please be careful of those to whom you distribute this list! :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 93 14:52:18 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: I Mooned the Klan, Austin '93
To: spaf
John Kelso, "Bubba columnist" for the Austin paper reports on a
better response (American-Statesman, Sattidy, 1/9/93):
When Ku Klux Klan members rally at the Capitol a week from today, they
may see something they will never forget - a mass mooning. This
mind-boggling and completely unusual proposition is the brainchild of
Austin musician Steve Fromholz. If you want to moon the Klan, just
show up and join in with Fromholz. You don't even need a ticket. No
place but Austin.
"I can see the bumper stickers now - I mooned the Klan, Austin '93,"
says Fromholz, who to date has only a half dozen or so friends lined up
for the extravaganza. But he expects many volunteers will make plans
to attend, once the word gets out.
"I'm certain there are a lot of people in Austin who would leap at the
opportunity to moon the Klan," Fromholz says. "There are some in the
community who would worry about losing their place in the community, or
losing their job But there are some of us who don't have to worry
about that."
Fromholz likes this idea because he sees it as a peaceful way to show
the Klan that it isn't appreciated around these parts. It would be
nice to completely ignore the Klan, but you know that won't happen.
Sooooo, instead of getting all worked up and cussing and blowing your
top, drop your britches, pull them up, then walk off, Fromholz
suggests.
"It's a way to say, `We don't need you, go someplace else to get
mooned,'" Fromholz said. "It's a very simple way of saying, 'I hold
the Klan in total disrespect.' Just moon them and walk away and go
back to work. Just laugh at them. Don't shout at them and shoot them
the finger."
Fromholz is so serious about this that he called Travis County Sheriff
Terry Keel to ask if a group mooning is legal. Imagine calling the
Sheriff's office and asking that question. I'll be you would get
transferred a bunch, huh?
"I had a nice conversation with Steve about that," Keel said. He says
a group mooning is legal as long as the participants don't get too
explicit, you might say. He says the law regarding this activity does
not address "the subject of cheeks."
Keel also said that though he couldn't give the group mooning his
"official blessing or clearance," he thought it was a good concept.
"Steve has the right approach," he said. "People counterdemonstrate,
which is the wrong way to handle it."
Anyway, it must have been an interesting conversation.
"It's hilarious and he was all excited when he talked to me about it,"
Keel recalled. "What was the word he used? It was as if a vision came
to him."
"It came to me in a flash of light," said Fromholz, who even has his
outfit picked out for the affair - a pair of jeans over red long
johns.
"You got to believe," he said. "It's like keeping Tinkerbell alive.
But I can picturalize it, and if I can picturalize it, it will usually
happen."
So what should you do if you want to involve your civic group in this
mass mooning of the Klan? Simple come around and go for it. Junior
Leaguers, Lions, SOSers, developers - come one, come all. Fromholz
sees this as a community thing, although I think there are some of
y'all who should stay in the house. I won't name any names, though. I
don't need the aggravation.
OK. So I'll name one. Radio guy Bob Cole.
"It has great possibilities if the Optimises would come out, and
the VFW and the American Legion, and perhaps the Legislature," Fromholz
said. "They showed their (fannies) all the way through this last
session."
Fromholz advises anyone taking part to keep their distance from the
Klan members, though.
"Mooning a rally is a lot different than mooning a parade," he
explained. "The thing is you've got to be careful with a rally.
They're not marching by, so they might kick you in the moon, and
they're notorious moon-kickers."
No matter what you think about this, it sure is unique.
"I don't think anyone's ever mooned the Klan before, at least not en masse,"
Fromholz said. "But it's an idea whose time has come. And I think
Martin Luther King would approve. This is nonviolent protest at its
best."
Maybe so. But I wonder how they'll handle it on CNN?
[There's still time to book your flights to Austin to join in.
Don't forget your chapstick, or equivalent. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
From: karplus@cse.ucsc.edu (Kevin Karplus)
Subject: insurance that doesn't pay
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
When I was working at Cornell University, I was amused to discover that
one of the benefits was a Voluntary Death and Dismemberment Plan. Even
after it was explained to me that this was an insurance plan (not a
direct benefit), I still wasn't sure when they would pay a claim.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 19:39:34 GMT
From: pplacewa@bbn.com (Paul W Placeway)
Subject: Joke announcement (BASH 1.11.1.1 troff macro completion)
Newsgroups: gnu.announce
< From: Calvin Clark <ckclark@mit.edu>
<
< The scary part about this is that tcsh6 can probably do all of this. :-)
<< From: Mike Taylor <mirk@ssl.co.uk>
<<
<< Announcing version 1.11.1.1 of BASH, the Free Software Foundation's
<< "Bourne Again SHell".
<<
<< The major improvement of version 1.11.1.1 over 1.11.1.0 is the
<< addition of the troff macro-package completion feature...
[remainder of announcement omitted]
I'm afraid that you are right, tcsh 6.03 will indeed do this:
dormouse ~ 182 -> complete troff 'c@-m@`ls /usr/lib/tmac/tmac.* | sed s,^.\*/tmac\\.,,`@'
dormouse ~ 183 -> troff -m^D
a bib e indent r scover skeep vcat
an cp imagen os s sdisp srefs vgrind
dormouse ~ 183 -> troff -man^D
an
dormouse ~ 184 -> troff -min<TAB>
dormouse ~ 184 -> troff -mindent
But don't blame me, blame Christos. :-)
[And people actually want to use GNU software....! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 19:53:11 -0500
From: gt4565b@prism.gatech.edu (Bernard Matthews)
Subject: Kwality Kontrol
To: spaf
Seen on the sprocket strip from a sales receipt form from MicroCenter
"The Computer Department Store (tm)" in Marietta, GA:
MCP (c) Moore Business Forms, Inc. Patient (sic) No. 3,429,827 3,016,308
------------------------------
Date: (null)
From: Kevin Kells <kells@iis.ethz.ch>
Subject: Look who's on the internet...
To: keith@cc.gatech.edu (Keith Edwards)
> keith@picasso /tmp 29 % ping exxon.com
> exxon.com is alive
> keith@picasso /tmp 31 % ping chevron.com
> chevron.com is alive
yama:~/tmp 90 % telnet valdez.exxon.com
Trying 144.201.1.12 ...
Connected to valdez.exxon.com.
Escape character is '^]'.
SunOS UNIX (valdez)
login: sync
*** already sunk
Connection closed by foreign host.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1993 02:14:18 -0500
From: rissa@world.std.com (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: marzipan raspberry
To: eniac
there is now a mail server for muffin recipes. this just flat
out amazes me. i wonder if there's also a BrownieServer...
Newsgroups: rec.food.recipes
Subject: MuffinServer: New Recipes Available
From: Dawn_Scotting@kcbbs.gen.nz (Dawn Scotting)
Date: 2 Jan 93 15:04:14 GMT
The following muffin recipes are now available from the MuffinServer.
Refer to your MuffinServer Help file on how to get them, if you don't
have the Help file yet see end of message:-
APPSTRUD.MUF Apple Strudel Muffins
BACON.MUF Bacon
CARROT.MUF Carrot + 4 Variations
CHOCBOUR.MUF Chocolate Bourbon
CORNMEAL.MUF Cornmeal
CORNMHAM.MUF Cornmeal & Ham
CRNWHMEL.MUF Cornmeal & Wholemeal
FOURCHIP.MUF Four-Chip Double-Nut
FUDGPEBT.MUF Fudge-Filled Peanut Butter
HAWAIIAN.MUF Hawaiian (macadamia nuts, pineapple & coconut)
HONCARDT.MUF Honey-Carrot-Date
HOTCROSS.MUF Hot Cross Muffins
LEMBREAK.MUF Lemon Breakfast
LINZTORT.MUF Linzertorte
MARMALAD.MUF Marmalade
MARZRASP.MUF Marzipan Raspberry
MOISTDAT.MUF Moist Date
ORANGOAT.MUF Orange Oatmeal
OVERNITE.MUF Overnight Bran
SESAME.MUF Sesame Seed
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+ All muffin recipes may be requested via FTP-by-Mail. At the start of a +
+ new line type /HELP to receive the Help file for further instructions. +
+ Address EMAIL to: muffin@pinn.nacjack.gen.nz +
+ Recipe queries to: pandora@kcbbs.gen.nz +
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[Who will write the RFC for the Muffin protocol? I dunno, but
I can't wait for Mr. Protocol to write about it in one of his
columns. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1993 22:49:08 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: new year's reflections
To: eniac
> well, my friends -- this is the time of year
> when many people reflect back on what has happened.
I like this time of year, too. Having been weaned on Esquire's "Dubious
Achievement Awards," I am unable to read end-of-the-year articles without
supplying my own individualized raspberry. Today we had these items, Just
In from The Kansas City Star:
BO KNOWS GARTH BROOKS
"Jesus never heard of Beethoven and Bach. Why aren't we playing more
country music in church?" -Professor Tex Sample of St. Paul School of
Theology of Kansas City.
WHAT ABOUT THE ANNUS HORRIBILIS?
In the words of President Bush, it was "a screwy year," a "weird year."
WE'LL SET ASIDE THE THIRD WEEK OF JUNE
"If black people kill black people every day, why not have a week and kill
white people?" -Sister Soljah
RIGHT. I'M LOWER SLOBOVIA.
"We are America. These other people are not America." -GOP National
Chairman Rich Bond
MARYJANE ALWAYS SPEAKS HIGHLY OF *YOU*
"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I
didn't like it." -Bill Clinton
ZEN AND THE ART OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
"We are not disorganized. We just have a kind of organization that
transcends understanding." -Jacques Barzaghi, aide to Jerry Brown
ALL TOGETHER NOW: "HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WOR-ORLD..."
"The whole world is in a funk." -White House counselor Clayton Yeutter
AW, BEIRUT WAS ALL RIGHT. NOT *TERRIFIC*...
"If you liked Beirut, you'll love Mogadishu." -Smith Hempstone, U.S.
ambassador to Kenya
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 05 Jan 93 15:01:08 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he
had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent,
John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of
five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House. Kyle's pair
of sevens put him into the general election.
--
Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man
who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign
disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses
for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
--
Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them
with stealing six 45-pound barbells from the Buffum-Downtown YMCA. The men
were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over
because they were not strong enough to steer it.
--
In November, four white men in Nashville, N.C., were charged with shooting a
black man and starting some fires, apparently solely for the purpose of
provoking blacks to riot so that, during the ensuing melee, the four whites
would themselves be able to loot some local stores.
--
Richard Fife Curr, 29, was charged with assault in San Antonio in August and
suffered a loosened tooth in the incident. He had gotten carried away with a
nightclub dancer during a performance and had bitten her on the buttocks.
--
San Francisco police arrested Russell C. Sultan in July and charged him with
attempting to extort $23,000 from his mother and girlfriend by claiming to
have been kidnapped for ransom. After tracing telephone calls, police,
guns drawn, burst into a motel room to find Sultan casually eating fried
chicken and watching a 49ers football game. Sultan said the kidnappers had
merely left him alone for a while, and exclaimed to the officers, "What took
you so long?"
--
The German news agency Deutsche Presse Agentur reported in November on
Japanese inventor Kenji Kawakami's "New Idea Academy," which features his
innovations and counts among his most successful products a portable washing
machine that straps onto the user's leg, a traveling necktie with room for
writing utensils and a calculator, padded booties for cats so they can dust
the floor while walking around, and a "solar flashlight" that provides a beam
of light as long as the sun is shining.
--
A jury in Florence, Ala., acquitted a 44-year-old man of sodomy with a
12-year-old girl. The man, arguing that the girl was making up fantasies
about him, said, "A lot of kids fantasize about me. I have monster trucks and
boats and stuff."
--
The government of Ukraine is sponsoring a competition, closing Dec. 31, to
determine the best way to seal off the destroyed nuclear reactor that caused
the disaster at Chernobyl in 1986. The government seeks a solution that will
guarantee safety from radiation for 100 years, and it is willing to pay
whoever designs such a system the equivalent of $20,000. The real cost of
ensuring such safety, according to U.S. officials, is closer to $250 million.
--
Raleigh, N.C., judge Don Overby, in several recent cases involving juvenile
theft, has forced the convicted kid to go home, retrieve his own most prized
possession, bring it back to Overby's courtroom, and watch while the judge
smashes it up.
------------------------------
From: acoppola.US1 (forwarded thru many sites)
Subject: Our top story tonight ...
To: Jokers
These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel
of the San Francisco Examiner.
------------------------------
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to
board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden
tribute to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90
minutes of soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco m,an dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on
the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I catch
you dressed up like Mickey again."
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both male
and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity leave
because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson
said the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their husbands,
kill their children, practice withcraft, destroy capitalism and become
lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said:
"We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out
of control."
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man
hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the
man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million
Lotto winner who recieves $120,000 a year from the state.
A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for
putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his ex-girlfriend's
kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep it out of his way
and then accidentally turned the oven on.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harrassing ice skater Katarina Witt
demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose
"a jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendent
if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni
salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital,
the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name.
A Polish pro soccer team acquired two top players from a Kiev squad for
a truckload of potatos.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high
school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was
not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the castration
of a bull in front of his football team (which was about to play the Texas
Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to
Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several
cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.
The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went
to jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was
hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch
on a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park
with burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their frolic
when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the amorous pair
performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers who boarded
latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital cigarettes that
witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent
fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings
than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 08 Jan 93 08:30:10 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: So you want to be a writer?
To: yucks
[The following excerpts were culled from manuscript submissions by
aspiring authors to a leading publisher of serious fiction. Doesn't
say if they're all from the same book, but if they are, I sure would
like to read it. Joe]
[So would I. This is my favorite post of the last few months. --spaf]
'Yeah,' the archeology professor said, 'I recently asked Mr. Bowman,
the principal here at Harvard, for a raise.'
I followed her body into the library, first with my eyes, then with
my feet. It was well stacked with books.
Through the door came a guy with big shoulders and a waist you could
have slipped a doughnut around. He had a voice like a truck backfiring.
The church was as empty as the insides of a biopsy victim.
'Going to the washroom is one thing,' I challenged her, 'and sneezing
with your eyes closed is another. And of course,' I added sarcastically,
'death is the baby that makes three.'
She collapsed to the floor to the groaning sound of 'Jjjjaaaaaaaaaaa.'
The blood crashing through my veins abruptly ceased its flow. All was
now silent. I was dead.
Aside from being nervous, Linda was not an extremely nice person.
The nurse peeped into my bedpan and put it on the floor, whispering 'sh.'
From the moment he crushed Cora's skull, he knew it was going to be
a rotten Monday.
Her long slender legs were cross, as if a sign to anyone from taking
liberties with her while she slept.
The judge was so fat he looked like he had about four people under his
robe and they were playing bridge sort of to pass the time.
He'd always hated being bound and gagged.
James would never have believed it could happen but six months went by.
Martin knew that under Jeannie's thin veneer of outward convention she
was totally naked.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Dec 92 17:53:06 GMT
From: jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu (JKF)
Subject: The Space Shuttle Disaster Coverup Conspiracy (with extra slaw)
Newsgroups: sci.space.shuttle,sci.space,sci.astro,alt.conspiracy,news.misc
In article <725535903.AA00373@f-454.fidonet.org> Hugh.Craig@f3333.n106.z1.fidonet.org (Hugh Craig) writes:
> J> Which just goes to show that Mary Shafer is also a member of the
> J> conspiracy, else she would not go to such desperate lengths to
> J> try to explain away NASA's horrible LIES.
>
> J> Yes, Mary Shafer and all members of the
> J> NASA/Bolshevik/Krystal's/NACA conspiracy are in this together,
> J> controlled by their true masters...
>
> J> the lemurs.
>
> And more quote from The NET...
>I have LEARNED the TRUTH. The TRUTH is that Heinlein, Simak, Asimov, and
>Leiber, famous science fiction and fantasy WRITERS who "died" in recent
>years, did not DIE at ALL but rather were TAKEN CAPTIVE by the lemur
>puppet masters and put to WORK generating these PREPOSTEROUS stories which
>you then promulgate as FACT.
>
>We are ON to you, Mr. Volkoff. You are doing good work for your MASTERS
>but we have SEEN THROUGH YOU NOW.
> quote off
>=====================================================================
>
> You poor misguided fools. None of you has even come close
>to understanding the depth of this evil conspiracy.
>
> I'll attempt to shed some light for you.
>
> All the misinformation and evil tricks have been master minded
>by the Cooridinated Information Apparatus headquarted on the
>planet Voltar. The Voltarians are also working with the
>KSP (Korellian Secret Police) and The BLACK LENSMEN.
>Though at times they are at odds with each other.
>
>
> The Rockefellar Empire and The Illuminatus do the evil bidding
> of their EVIL MASTERS here on Earth.
>
> This evil empire has many arms. SOME of the secondary
> organations and prominent individualsw are listed below.
>
>The Bilderbergers
>The Jewish Defence League
>MOSSAD
>The Trilateral Commission
>CIA and its subsidiaries: The MOB, DNC, RNC.
>NSA
>Matsushita Corporation (Current mission: Destroy Chrysler)
>The IMF
>Time Inc. and it's subsidarys.(Opinion Control)
>Bebe Rebozo and R. Nixon
>Proctor and Gamble
>Michael Gorbachav (master illusionist)
>Jack Anderson (runs smokescreen missions)
>General Electric and NBC
>CBS,ABC and The Media. (See Time Inc.)
>The Capital Gang (spin control and misinformationists)
>THEM (frequently mis-blamed for far to much,an excellent smoke screen)
>The Sauds (funding)
>The British Royal Family (run the drug running empires(great monymaker))
>Microsoft (mission: cripple Earth based computing systems
> with crippled operating systems)
and the lemurs, of course, let's not forget them
>The Men In Black
>
> It has been reported that the EVIL BLACK LENSMEN have a tendency
>to drive black Ford Galaxys. Their attire usually is a black,
>sinister looking, business suit. Hat is optional nowadays. But
>if worn is black. Black impenetrable sunglasses. They have
>an obnoxius, yet effective, habit of passing themselves off
>as U.S. Federal Agents when doing 'field work'.
>
>The entanglements are many. The plots extreme. The meaning is
>profound. .... We are DOOMED...
>
>I shall post no more on this subject as I sense the evil
>moderator conspiracy will get me if I continue.
I wonder what Dr. Beter has to say on all this.
Too bad he's DEAD. BWAH HA HA HA!
[It's nice to know that creative writing still flourishes on the net. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 92 09:42:49 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: The Usenet
To: funny@clarinet.com, yucks, eniac
For some odd reason, the following thought occured to me in the shower
yesterday. I have been encouraged to share it with others.
Therefore:
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect
it." --gene spafford, 1992
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 92 19:22:50 PST
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Subject: Things to know before you travel (fwd)
To: eniac
Source: ronk@shadows (Ron Kleinman)
"According to the book 'Loony Sex Laws' by Robert Payne Pelton,
the following ordinances are on record in various corners of
the U.S.
- Men in Willowdale, Oregon, are forbidden to utter profanities
during sex.
- It's against the law for anyone in California to engage in oral
sex. The penalty is a 15-year jail term.
- Newlyweds of Oblong, Illinois, may not make love on their wedding
day while on a hunting or fishing trip.
- It is unlawful for men in Washington State to make love to a
virgin. The law makes no exception for those who happen to be
married to said virgin.
- It's considered a crime for women in Tremonton, Utah, to engage
in intercourse in an ambulance. (It is not a crime for the man.)
- A couple cannot legally share a hotel bed in Sioux Falls, South
Dakota. Hotels there are required to have twin beds that must
always be a minimum of 2 feet apart.
- A man in Alexandria, Minnesota, must not make love to his wife
with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
and (my favorite .. perhaps because I am not yet a vegetarian):
- Couples in Newcastle, Wyoming, are prohibited from having sex
inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
From: thompsn@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Adam Thompson)
Subject: Your Kind of Place
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonalds serves beer.)
A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer.
The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him:
"They don't serve _BEER_ here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid until he realized:
that meant the guy behind him was there for the food!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 21:26:05 -0500
From: PTomblin@gvc.com (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #63 (shorts)
To: spaf
> From: jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jeremy Matthew Toeman)
> Subject: Finals Week
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
>
> 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
> to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
>
> [So far, I have yet to have a student do any of these things in any of my exams.
> Pity. --spaf]
TRUE STORY: When I was in 4th year Civil Engineering, we had an open book
exam in a course I was really doing well in. I brought in a gym bag with my
books, but at the bottom I had hidden a defunct calculator and a hammer.
With about 10 minutes left in the exam, I slipped my HP15c in my pocket,
pulled out the TI55. Started to use it. Started to pound one of the keys that
wasn't working. Swore loudly. Pulled out hammer. Pounded TI55 to
smithereens.
Ask Professor Don Greierson at University of Waterloo - he still talks about
it.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------