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Yucks Digest V1 #90
Yucks Digest Sat, 5 Oct 91 Volume 1 : Issue 90
Today's Topics:
"Without Eternal Vigilance, It Could Happen Here." -- Joe Bob Briggs
But what will Marin County Say? (2 msgs)
cutie
horrible pun on softdrink names
More Seuss from the grave titles
My final word on Pournelle
Richard Hoagland's Face on Mars
Sonny Bono declares senate candidacy
Ten Ways to Really, Really Save the Earth
Too long in the wasteland
tricky language, English
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 5 Oct 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)
Subject: "Without Eternal Vigilance, It Could Happen Here." -- Joe Bob Briggs
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
UPI - 7/20/1991
HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN NATURE'S FIRST LAW
In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes,
the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be
unlawfully discriminatory.
Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is
generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual
or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into
practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable
person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned
individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences
resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."
Translation: "You do something stupid, you die."
In a ruling handed down yesterday, George Bush's Supreme Court
ruled that such a law was too vague and unfairly discriminatory. Justice
Rhenquist, author of the decision, wrote, "The terms 'unwise' and 'basic
common sense' are never defined anywhere, and are left to the
interpretation of the presiding judge....[which could lead] to mutiple
standards of justice." The court also felt that the penalty was too vaguely
defined and too harsh. Writes Rhenquist, "It is theoretically possible for
an individual to lose his/her life by, for example, sticking their tongue
across a 120 volt outlet. While such an action would clearly demand
explanation from the individual attempting it, it is not Our [sic] opinion
that such an action warrants the penalty of death, particularly if the
outlet in question lacks a label warning of such practice..."
In striking down the First Law, the Court also mandated that steps
be taken to correct the discrimination the law imposed. Affirmative Action
has already drafted a set of standards. Though not final, the suggestions
include:
o Requiring employers to hire a set percentage quota of stupid
people (most employers with union contracts already meet the
proposed standard),
o Requiring all non-profit organizations receiving public funds (PBS,
National Endowment for the Arts, et al) to spend a set percentage
of those funds promoting stupidity (the NEA, based on recent
censorship mandates, already qualifies),
o Equal time for the views of the stupid on national issues,
o A constitutional amendment banning discrimination based on
stupidity, and
o A national TV and press campaign to raise the nation's awareness
of the plight of stupid people (the draft suggests the slogan,
"Stupid Is Beautifull [sic]").
When interviewed, Dan Quayle said, "It's the most significant step
forward this country has taken since Neil Diamond set foot on the moon."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 1991 15:27:21 -0400
From: Linda Birmingham <ADMN8647@RYERSON.CA>
Subject: But what will Marin County Say?
To: mail list <eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us>
More perfumery,
What's that smell?
[colum Worth Repeating, John Raymond, Globe & Mail, Sept. 26/91]
Stressed? Boss got you down? Try a whiff of lavender-chamomile
to chase away the workplace blues.
For just $10,000 (and up U.S.), Japan's Shimizu Corp. will sell
you their computerized Fragrance System Module, which sends
pleasing scents through your building's ventilation ducts.
Shimizu spokesman Junichi Yagi says that many Japanese
businesses already use the system: "In Japan we use fragance
for different purposes. To induce a positive mood, we might
have a lemony scent; and for refreshment, basil, peppermint
and clove".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 02 Oct 91 17:57:34 PDT
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: But what will Marin County Say?
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
> Stressed? Boss got you down? Try a whiff of lavender-chamomile
> to chase away the workplace blues.
Lately, the smell of gunpowder would be more soothing.
Mostly, though, we rely upon the rougher fragrance of
popcorn scorching in the microwave. It fosters togetherness:
we get up from our desks and peer into the hallway to see
if the building is burning down or not.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Oct 91 05:20:55 EDT
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu
Subject: cutie
Contributed by: ihnss!harpo!decvax!watmath!dssg
Subject: cricket match
There was a prestigious english lord who played on a cricket team.
One season his son also made the team, but before a certain game
the lord was rather worried about this, because his son was a rather
excitable chap. Sure enough the referee makes a very questionable
call, and the lords son stomps over to the man and starts ranting
and raving. The referee maintains stoic silence which outrages the
lords offspring even more, so he heaves the ref into the air, throws
him down, SITS on him and proceeds to forcefully scream his point
across to the man. The lord meanwhile is purple with shame so he
musters his dignity, walks over to this situation and says to his
progeny: "Don't you know that the son never sits on the British
Umpire?"
------------------------------
Date: 2 Oct 91 10:30:05 GMT
From: davec@adi.com (David Czarnecki)
Subject: horrible pun on softdrink names
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I heard this from my girlfriend, who heard it from someone at work.
You know, the drink "Gatoraid" was developed by the University of
Florida, who's mascot is a "Gator." Lots of people know this. What
many people don't know is that the project was originally slated for
Florida State, but they changed it at the last minute. Why? They
decided that a product named "Gatoraid" would be more marketable than
"Seminole Fluid."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Oct 91 13:55:54 edt
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: More Seuss from the grave titles
To: spaf
(from a friend)
On Beyond Brain Death
[Let's make this the last Dr. Seuss-is-dead joke, okay? No, let's make
THIS the last Dr Seuss joke: The Doc's in the Box. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 26 Nov 84 18:00:15 GMT
From: forrest@ucsbcsl.UUCP ( )
Subject: My final word on Pournelle
Newsgroups: net.micro
[Note the date. This one is from Brian Kantor's archives. --spaf]
As the originator of the whole Pournelle discussion, I like to thank
everyone who replied either to me directly or to the net. Recently
Jerry himself appeared on the net and asked what all this was about.
Since I couldn't figure out how to reply to him, or to any other ARPA
site, I thought I'd repost the original satire. This will also satify
a number of netters you didn't get it the first time. Forgive me if
you're tired of all this. After this posting, I will not post anything
else about this topic. If anyone else wishes to continue with this
topic, please send your comments to me directly at ucbvax!ucsbcsl!forrest.
Please give me a path to reply to you that starts at ucbvax.
I wrote the following because I wasn't happy with Jerry Pournelle's
column in Byte. What do you think? ucbvax!ucsbcsl!forrest
Computing at Anarchy Acres
by
Jerry Richdudley
Alas, here I am again sitting in front of my favorite computer,
Alyuisious. Alyuisious is an S-100 based system running CP-M. It runs
rings around all the competition. Next to Alyuisious is Pantagruel, a
real racehorse. Pantagruel doesn't run rings around anything except the
closest fire hydrant. Pantagruel is my dog.
Influencing People
Alas, I just got a call from my good friend Mick Jagger, and then
another from my good buddy Sister Teresa, and then another from my old
pal Steve Jobs. You know, it's funny. I used to get calls from all
these world famous celebrities to let me in on all the top gossip in
the computer field. Now they call me up to make sure I haven't gone
bananas. They say that anyone who gives names to all his computer toys
is displaying schizo-nutso tendencies and should be closely watched.
Wet Noodles
But I digress. There's work to be done. I've received yet another
version of Modula the other and I've got to be able to say something
witty, urbane, inconsequential, and probably misguided about it. Even
if I can't think of anything I'll still say something about what an
important, influential language Modula is. Gee, it's almost sold as
well as UCSD Pascal. If only people would realize that my experience in
writing programs that alphabetize the names of all my famous friends
makes me an expert on programming languages then maybe people would go
out and buy Modula. It's funny, the editors of Byte sure must have a
low opinion of their readers since they actually let someone as
unqualified as me write about things I know so little about. It's a
good thing I've got my son, the college graduate, to act as my
technical expert. Those people who think that it's a conflict of
interest for me to promote products that the company he works for sells
are just a bunch of Watergate-chasers.
Major Malaise
You're lucky I was able to send in my column this month. I almost
couldn't because my trusty companion Lulu, the Laptop computer, broke
down. I know for most of you when this happens you instantly start
seeing dollar signs in front of your eyes because you know that getting
your computer fixed is going to cost you bucks. Not me. I just call up
the famous hardware or software designer that seems to be the best
qualified to solve my problem. It doesn't matter that this person
probably has better things to do than help a poor slob like me, but
they know that having their name appear in my column will do wonders
for their business. It never fails. By the way, don't believe the
grumblers who say that having all this power makes my reviews a little
skewed. You could probably get all your problems fixed too if you wrote
a column in Byte.
Le Petard
Well, that's all for this month. Next month I'll review MVS, that cute
little operating system rumored to appear on IBM's newest PC, give you
my impressions of every accounting package ever written, tell you how
to write an ADA compiler in APL, and maybe, if there's time, tell you
about the great new science fiction book I've got planned.
(Editor's Note: Jerry writes Science Fiction - literally)
------------------------------
Date: recently; exact date unknown
From: davidj@wrs.com (David Jones)
Subject: Richard Hoagland's Face on Mars
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,sci.skeptic,sci.astro,misc.headlines,alt.paranormal,alt.conspiracy
*************************************************************************
* I share this with you in the hopes that the more people that know the *
* truth, that the truth will be known by more people. *
*************************************************************************
I recently attended the Whole Life Expo in San Jose. Richard Hoagland took
part in two talks and one panel discussion, which he moderated. He indicated
that he was now revealing information that he had never before revealed. I
share with you my notes. I present this with the knowledge that in order
to fully understand this material; in order to be able to corroborate or
disprove what he claims, you must first review the evidence that he presents.
This which I state should be obvious but, as I have woefully discovered, many
readers of this will jump to conclusions before doing their homework. I
apologize for any redundancy and pray you will forgive my incompleteness.
Any discrepancies are most likely my misunderstanding rather than Richard's
information.
There is a new paradigm of man`s origins currently evolving in our
consciousness on this planet. Up until now, we have had 2 choices:
Creationism (whatever the Bible says has to be true) and Evolution (Darwinism:
we evolved out of some primordial soup). This new paradigm, as the Sumerians
of Sitchen indicated, is that we came from the Heavens (meaning other planets
in other star systems), a sort of extra-galactic Darwinism. Richard used
phrases like: "... mitocondrial DNA scientists ..." " and "... self-reflective
dimensional expansion" to describe this idea. Using the photographs from the
Mars mission, with 150 foot per pixel resolution, and using techno-hacker
wizardry, he shows that we are in the process of matriculating into racial
maturity. He has created a gorgeous video (currently available) created from
the stills of the Mars mission and made into three dimensional fly-bys of
the face, the pyramids and the city. He quotes Zechariah Sitchen "someone
is meddling ...".
In order to completely realize the possible truth of the material presented
in his discussions, you should understand tetrahedral geometry and it's
associated simple trigonometry. Tetrahedral geometry only works with a
360 degree system with 60 minutes of arc and 60 seconds per minute. In
addition, 12 is a fundamental aspect of this system. Richard Hoagland used
two universal constants and their ratio, in order to substantiate his claims.
These two numbers are pi (3.14) and e, the base of natural logarithms
(2.72), and the resulting ratio: e/pi ~= 0.865.
For instance. it you take the slope of the Great Pyramid in Egypt, and
divide it by the 60 degrees, it's top angle, you get 0.865. This is
replicated for the pyramids on Mars. Through tetrahedral geometry, he shows
how we are converging on an Universal Geometry. Tetrahedral geometry is what
we have in a 360 degree circle and that which gives us 24 hours in a day,
both with with 60 minutes and 60 seconds. Whoever built the Egyptian
pyramid, had the same knowledge as whoever it was that built the face and the
city on Mars. The Martians used a 360 degree system. Sitchen shows that
the ancient Sumerians (c. 8500 BC) used the 360 degree system and counted
minutes and degrees of arc by 60's, just like the Martians. The Martian year
is equivalent to 687 Earth days. The Fibonacci spiral is a tetrahedral
mathematic. Follow the numbers and follow the logic.....
The Egyptian Pyramids are made of calcium carbonate which has an internal
structure that is exactly like the structure of the pyramid (in Egypt) itself.
There are 20,000 books written on the Egyptian pyramids. It is located 5' 30"
of direct North. This is caused by tektonic plate movements (otherwise it
would be direct north). The plate that it sits on moves an approximate
maximum of 1' arc every 45,000 years. This means that it would take about
247,000 years to get to it's present position. The mean arc location is 4'
which gives about 180,000 years or, an estimation that the pyramids in Egypt
were REALLY build about 214,000 years ago (give or take). The pyramids (in
Egypt) were weathered by water, not wind. This is an intentional
misinterpretation by scholars so as not to get into trouble with their
colleagues and not challenge western religions. The Sphinx dates to a time
to before when the Sahara was desert.
The land forms found on Mars are NOT those done by Nature. The angles formed
by the pyramids are impossible for nature to create. There are too many
variations on the e/pi constant. Even the latitude on Mars where the city/
face/pyramid are found is a function of e/pi. He spent several hours creating
an exquisite mathematical trail showing that the pyramid on Mars, the
pyramid at Gizeh and, co-equivalently, the Sphinx in Egypt, are all more than
200,000 years old. More specifically, about 217,000 +/- 15,000 years. It
is impossible for me to go into all the details, but he had people from 3
different professions, all working independently and unknown to the others,
who had all come to the same conclusions in regards to the age of the Egyptian
pyramids. The D & M pyramid (on Mars) is self-referential (it knows where it
is). It is located at 30 degree North latitude just like the Egyptian pyramid
on Earth..
Mars has two carbon moons. The planet Mars does not contain this carbon. The
moons appear to be asteriods that the Martians, using technology that is
available to us today, moved into Martian orbit and, apparently, to mine.
The two moons are in perfect circular orbits around Mars. Phobos is spiraling
inward toward Mars. The density of Phobos is 1.95 which means that 30% is
missing, or hollowed out, or mined. Richard believes that the Soviets covered
up the truth of this by saying that it was a UFO that grabbed up their
spacecraft and by so doing, knew that the mainstream press would not touch
the story. The Russians probably have close up photos of extraterrestrial
artifacts (a Martain monkey wrench?) and Marina Popovich went around the world
and spread false rumors to put the nail in the coffin in order to cover-up
the Truth. The Phobos orbit is 20 Km off true circular, due to it's decaying
orbit. If it were circular to begin with, it would have taken 217,000 years
to cause it to be off course at it's present rate. Something disruptive
happened on Mars at that time (217,000 years ago). Something attacked the
city there. The Egyptian word for Shinx means, the ending, inferring
an ending of one thing (Martain civilization) -- a beginning somewhere else
(planet Earth).
He speaks of the Nephalim, "Those who were cast down", or "Giants" and by
so indicating he infers that there was a war of some sort on Mars about
about 217,000 years ago and that they `escaped' to planet Earth.
The ratio of the Earth to it's moon is .272. The moon takes 27.32 (Earth)
days to orbit the Earth. It should be 27.2. If we interpolate the difference
and how much the Earth's moon is moving away, we get 200,000 years ago for
our moon to be the 27.2 he speaks of. Was OUR moon put there by
extraterrestrials that escaped to this planet to mine? Will we find
extraterrestrial artifacts on our own moon? (Maybe we already have?)
Carl Sagan and Richard Hoagland used to be friends. In public, Sagan says
that this information is nonsense, but in private, he says something quite
different.
Richard indicated that he will read anything that will bring him even 1
data point closer to the Truth.
Original cassette tapes of the above may be obtained from the Whole Life
Expo tape people (email me for the number).
Video tapes of the above presentations, and more information on this may be
obtained from Richard Hoagland's organization, The Mars Mission (they publish a
quarterly journal entitled Martian Horizons) from:
The Mars Mission
P.O. Box 123
Danville, CA 94526-0123
***************************************************************************
* COMING NEXT: My discussions with Wendelle Stevens regarding Grey *
* aliens from the Reticulum Star cluster and his playing of a *
* cassette tape of the sounds of one of their space ships. *
***************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 91 00:14:33 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Sonny Bono declares senate candidacy
To: yucks-request
By Norma Meyer
Copley News Service
LOS ANGELES Sonny Bono, pop singer-turned-Palm Springs mayor,
announced Tuesday (Oct. 1) that he is running as a Republican for the
U. S. Senate.
Bono, the onetime singing partner of ex-wife Cher, said he will
seek the seat being vacated by California Democrat Sen. Alan Cranston.
After serving as Palm Springs' mayor for nearly four years,
Bono, 56, said he decided to seek higher office because politics
gives him "the same kind of adrenalin, the same kind of enthusiasm,
the same kind of excitement that I had for music and show business."
"It's a thrill," he told a Century City news conference packed
with political and entertainment reporters. "It overcame me."
Bono acknowledged he's "somewhat of an outsider," did not come
up through political ranks and has not had the encouragement of the
Republican party. He wouldn't name any of his backers but said he has
talked to "people in big positions."
"I may have to wear that Sonny and Cher thing for awhile but
I'll overcome that," said Bono, who gained publicity for Palm Springs
by serving as cannon fodder for late night talk show comics.
Also in the running for the GOP nomination for Cranston's seat
are U. S. Rep. Tom Campbell of Stanford and Los Angeles television
and radio commentator Bruce Herschensohn.
On the Democratic side of the race are U.S. Rep. Barbara Boxer
of Marin County and Lt. Gov. Leo McCarthy. Congressman Mel Levine of
Los Angeles is also expected to announce his candidacy.
Flanked by his wife, Mary, and three of his four children, Bono
repeatedly referred to his experience as one-term mayor of the
monied, desert resort that is home to 42,000 people.
Asked about the big jump to representing nearly 30 million
California residents, the former mop-topped entertainer replied:
"That's similar to `What makes you think you can write 10 hit
songs?...Or what makes you think you can produce a top five
television show?"'
Sonny and Cher skyrocketed to stardom in the 1960s with hits
like "I Got You Babe" and "The Beat Goes On" and later had their own
television show.
A press handout also highlighted Bono's mayoral achievements,
such as convincing CBS to relocate its new television series, "P.S. I
Luv You" from Phoenix to Palm Springs. The move got the town free
publicity, Bono TV appearances, and revenues for area merchants.
Bono suggested that before raising taxes, the government follow
Palm Springs' lead by punching up promotion of California's tourist
industry.
In the area of geo-politics, Bono, however, conceded he is a
neophyte.
"I haven't dealt in foreign policy particularly or per se. But
again there's bottom lines in foreign policy... there's a scenario
all over the world. The scenario is that most of the world wants
peace."
Questioned what he would do about Iraq's apparent attempts to
continue building nuclear weapons, Bono answered: "I would go in and
clean house." He said the U.S. should use "whatever it takes" but not
neccesarily nuclear weapons.
Bono also described himself as for abortion rights. "That has to
be an individual's choice. Those kind of things can't be in
politics." But he said he supports Judge Clarence Thomas' nomination
to the Supreme Court.
Insisting he is not "anti-gay," Bono also applauded Gov. Pete
Wilson's veto of a bill that would have outlawed job discrimination
against homosexuals.
"That's a personal issue. That belongs in somebody's house."
One Republican strategist said Bono will likely get an avalanche
of publicity in the next couple weeks because of his announcement,
but will soon fade from the limelight.
"He needs support to get him crediblility," the strategist said,
noting that another show business personality, former President
Ronald Reagan, had the backing of over 100 business leaders when he
entered politics.
Spokesmen for Bono's opponents had little comment on the new
competition.
"We welcome Sonny Bono and all others into the race," said Ron
Smith, lead consultant for Campbell's campaign.
"The Herschensohn campaign has no overall impression of Sonny
Bono's apparent interest in this Senate race," said Nicholas
Thimmesch II, Herschensohn's campaign director.
[Hmmm, President Bono? There's a precedent.... it almost makes Danny Q.
appear to be an elder statesman! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 91 14:28:12 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ten Ways to Really, Really Save the Earth
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
You're already separating paper and plastic, recycling bottles and taking
three-minute showers. But is there more you can do to protect the
environment? You bet!
1. At the supermarket, try to pay with large denomination bills
whenever possible. A twenty-dollar bill has the buying power of twenty
one-dollar bills, but uses only five percent of the forest resources.
2. Get in the habit of referring to every locale as "this fragile
ecosystem."
3. If you must own a large car, be sure to purchase one with tinted
glass. Cars equipped with tinted glass stay three percent cooler
during the summer, making it possible to turn the air conditioning
down to the "medium" setting.
4. If you see a spotted owl, don't kill it. The meat tastes terrible
anyway.
5. A single toilet flush consumes five to seven gallons of water, and
the solid waste adds to already overtaxed landfills. "Holding it in"
remains a simple and effective way to protect the environment.
6. Americans account for seven percent of the world's population, yet
consume 65% of the world's energy resources. Apply for Swiss citizenship.
7. The correct way to recycle a glass beverage container: remove label,
setting aside tiny label remnants for recycling; rinse bottle with
reclaimed "grey" water; separate glass into five categories: clear,
green, brown, long-neck and pony.
8. One fewer wash load per month for every American translates to an
annual savings of 12.3 billion gallons of water, 23 million kilowatts
of electricity, and 15 fewer tons of phosphates. Buy seven more pairs
of socks and underwear.
9. Stop all "Ten Ways to Save the Earth" lists at #9. Environmental
books and pamphlets consume more than 580 million trees every year and
account for more than half of the world's sanctimony.
-- Tom McNichol
In The Nose, ninth one, p. 10
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 91 14:38:46 EDT
From: lotus!"CRD!David Kaufman@LOTUS "@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: Too long in the wasteland
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
INVESTMENT BROKERS TERRORIZE GOLF COURSE
[Boston Globe, Oct. 1, 1991]
SALEM, MASS. - A group of investment brokers allegedly went on a
drunken, demolition derby-style rampage at a municipal golf course
during the weekend, damaging the fairways, six golf carts and other
equipment. Officials at Olde Salem Greens municipal golf course said
24 golfers from a brokerage firm arranged a 10:40 a.m. Saturday tee
time and rented six gasoline-powered golf carts. Witnesses said the
men were drinking and driving erratically, lining up for races and
spinning the tires of their carts. "Two of the cart drivers were
racing across the sixth green to see who could grab the flag stick
first," said course superintendent Richard Drew. Police are
investigating.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 02 Oct 91 17:48:20 PDT
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: tricky language, English
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Overheard on a bay area radio this morning:
"Apple and IBM announced that they will corroborate on a new product..."
^^^^^^^^^^^
Say, what?
IBM: Look! A product!
Apple: Yes, a product!
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------