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Yucks Digest V1 #83
Yucks Digest Sun, 15 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 83
Today's Topics:
"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
``Fun'' with Tattoos
A Modern (Cynical) Fable
Bad Grammar
Funny Side Up phone #
I was a screaming fan!
Klutz Flying Apparatus
perfume
Santa Claus sues Macy's over loosing job
Whiteboard News
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat Sep 14 01:58:38 PDT 1991
From: t-robtp@microsoft.COM
Subject: "What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
To: 0003539738@mcimail.com, QUA@cornella.cit.cornell.edu,
>From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday, Sept. 11,
1991. (C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.
A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics seeking freedom
("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing softly in the background).
"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the
fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means
anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can
be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all
races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to
worship--18 years if you're Jim Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't
have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism,
democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it
means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting
adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting
adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands,
and giving them something to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower.
It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can
die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa,
Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials
bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts
of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and
fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they
deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at
your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up
at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not
good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be
interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've
just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to
bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with
13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13
stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this
country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad
luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 14:13:37 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: ``Fun'' with Tattoos
To: yucks-request
Tattoo removal `bloody and painful'
By Dave Banks Copley News Service
It took four hours for "Oscar" to have his gang's logo tattooed on his
shoulder. It took nearly seven years to remove.
Since 1985, when he began the process of erasing his
6-inch-by-4-inch tattoo, the skin over his right shoulder blade has
been frozen, burned with acid, drilled and sanded three square
inches at a time.
He got involved with a gang as a teen but decided to change his
life after seeing many of his friends die or end up in jail.
"I didn't want to feel like an advertisement for the gang
anymore," he said.
"You could see the letters from 100 yards away."
Oscar is now a father in his mid-30s. A large, pale scar marks
the place where his black-ink tattoo used to be.
Tattoos are meant to be permanent. For more than 8,000 years,
tattooists have used human skin as their canvas, etching designs with
ink-charged needles deep into skin layers, where the pigment becomes
embedded forever.
But what happens when a man no longer wants the name of his
ex-wife blazoned across his chest, or a woman begins to rue the day
friends talked her into putting a rose on her breast?
Think twice about removing it, said Dr. David Horowitz, a
California dermatologist who specializes in erasing tattoos.
"They are much harder to take off than to put on," he said.
There are several ways to remove a tattoo, all of them bloody
and painful in varying degrees. Dermatologists have many tools
acid, diamond-tipped drills, punch biopsy cutters (similar to arasive pads),
brushes, tweezers, skin grafts and lasers.
Less-effective home remedies are more primitive and painful
lemon juice, table salt, a hot knife.
The only current method to get at the ink is removing the skin
above one layer at a time.
Horowitz advises his patients that the removal process is a
trade- off. Every known method trades tattooed skin for scar tissue.
A doctor's skill is in keeping the scarring to a minimum.
The deeper the ink in the skin's layers, the larger the scar.
Homemade tattoos are generally very deep and the ink tends to seep
into surrounding tissue. Professionally done tattoos are more uniform
in depth, and easier to remove.
He suggests that some patients learn to live with their tattoos
because the scars may be even less attractive.
"But by the time they enter my office, my patients are highly
motivated to have their tat too removed.
"My typical patient is a normal person who went through normal
phases," Horowitz said.
"They went through a stage of rebellion. By the time they get to
be 50 years old, it looks silly."
Celebrities, models and rock stars sport tattoos more often
nowadays, and these high-profile people may be unwittingly improving
the image of an industry that once was the domain of bikers and
carnival buskers.
In most cities, however, getting a license to run a tattoo
parlor means working through a maze of city zoning boards, planning
commissions and city councils.
Getting a tattoo has come a long way from the days when tattoo
artists used a simple needle and toxic inks. Modern shops rely on
sterilized electric needle machines and safe inks that minimize the
risk of hepatitis, AIDS or infections. It is easier and safer to get
a tattoo than ever before.
Tattoo parlor owners say that among their traditional patrons
military men, bikers and rock 'n' roll types there is a new crowd
of customers: young men and women who find tattoos fashionable.
Horowitz gets more business as a result.
"Kids look at these celebrities and think it's a trend. These
will become future patients of ours," he said.
His patients also seem to have one of two basic motivations.
Most often, a patient comes to him with a new mate and an old flame's
name still on his or her arm, chest ... or buttocks.
"It becomes an issue in a relationship. Often it becomes an
ultimatum," Horowitz said.
Another type wants a tattoo removed because it causes problems
in his or her professional career. Horowitz cites an example of one
schoolteacher, a man with a doctorate in education, who had a tattoo
of a hypodermic needle on his forearm. He was fired from one job
after another until he had it removed.
Horowitz said the removal process is not excessively painful.
But dermatologists often prescribe codeine to comfort their patients
as the skin heals.
The procedure itself can sound like elaborate torture. Dr. David
Duffy, another California dermatologist who occasionally removes
tattoos, describes a unique method he devised himself.
"My technique consists of simply removing the top layer of skin
... using electrocautery (a little electric needle) and painting on
trichloroacetic acid in various strengths to cause a peel just like a
chemical peel," Duffy said.
Soon the ink in the tattoo grows resistant to the acids, so
Duffy returns to the tried-and-true method dermabrasion, or
"sanding" away the ink and skin layers with salt and gauze pads.
The skin must be left to heal sometimes for several months
before the dermatologist can dig for more pigment or start on another
patch of skin. Both doctors recommend treating only 3-square-inch
patches at one time, to diminish scarring.
Horowitz prefers excising the ink-filled skin a sliver at a
time, because he feels the scarring and results are more predictable.
Others burn the skin and ink away with lasers.
Apart from the eventual scarring, Duffy said, the skin also can
become discolored or hypersensitive to sunlight as it heals. Many
patients require cortisone shots to reduce swelling of their scars.
As the skin heals, patients also must take care to avoid
infection and keep the skin out of the sun.
Duffy said there is no guarantee that the tattoo will be fully
erased, but he added that 90 percent of his patients are happy with
the results after three years of treatment. He warns his patients,
however, that the tattooed area "will look horrible before it looks
better."
Because tattoos are meant to be permanent, some ardent fans of
tattoos question why anyone having a tattoo removed chose to get one
in the first place.
Russ, a retired 55-year-old instructor at the Los Angeles Police
Academy and a nearby college, takes pride in his own tattoos but will
give anyone contemplating getting a tattoo familiar advice.
"I just can't imagine anyone getting a tattoo without first
thinking ahead to a time when they might want it removed," he said.
"But I will not censor anyone's desires; it's a personal choice."
Both arms, his chest and his abdomen are covered with "living
art" he designed himself in the shapes of Sanskrit characters,
tribal designs, animals and fine-line fantasies. He is starting a new
tattoo that will fully cover his back.
"I enjoy the attention they draw and I take every opportunity to
display them," he said. "I've put a lot of thought into every art
piece I have and where it goes on my body. You should have clear
perspective of what you want and where."
Steve, owner of American Tattoo Co. in Los Angeles with 18
years' experience as a tattoo artist, echoes Russ' sentiments.
Thinking of getting a tattoo? "We recommend taking two aspirin
and lying down until the urge goes away," he said, half-jokingly.
His main rule is that people who want a tattoo have to walk intoo
the shop on their own power. They must be sober, answer questions
about their health and be able to sign a waiver form. His shop does
not do gang tattoos like Oscar's.
He reminds customers that a tattoo is "for time and eternity."
Many of his customers want their girlfriend's name on their arm, and
half of the time, they come back to have the tattoos covered when the
relationship is over.
For those customers, he advises a small tattoo that's easily
covered or what he calls the "playboy special." It's a traditional
name design topped by a rose with the name line left blank.
"You just fill in the name with a ballpoint pen," Steve said.
"If the romance fades, just rub it out and start over."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Sep 91 10:42:05 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A Modern (Cynical) Fable
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
This was written by Tom Annau, an undergrad at Stanford.
A MODERN FABLE
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve
allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need
an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line,
and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.
_The Troubled Aardvark_
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life
was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage
house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his
conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling,
spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of
his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of
his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete
ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the
status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-
doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring
him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought
imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics
manufacturers.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 14:10:33 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Bad Grammar
To: yucks-request
EDUCATION FRATERNITY SELLS BAD GRAMMAR
CLEVELAND, Sept. 11 /PRNewswire/ -- Phi Delta Kappa, the
professional fraternity in education, has sold proper English language
usage down the river, said a prominent writing consultant. The
organization is promoting and selling a textbook, titled, "Write Right" to
schools and universities. That title violates one of the most
fundamental rules of grammar, according to the consultant.
"'Write Right' is the same grammatical structure as write good," said
Albert Joseph, president of International Writing Institute, Inc. "Do
the leaders of the professional fraternity in education really want to
promote the use of improper English as a teaching model?"
Phi Delta Kappa said of the grammatical error, "We know it's wrong,
but nobody's complained about it." Its recently mailed promotional
letter describes the textbook as "...a tool for adult learners and for
students where English is a second language."
The grammatical error "...is about as basic as you can get," Joseph
complained. "Adjectives modify nouns, adverbs modify verbs. This title,
then, isn't just a subtle error. It's a screaming statement that
leaders in education no longer consider correct English usage important.
Does Phi Delta Kappa really want to make that statement?
"President Bush, the U.S. Department of Education, school officials
and business leaders are searching desperately for ways to improve the
quality of American education," he emphasized. "With education leaders
promoting language usage that no corporation would tolerate in a
business letter, how are we going to reverse the well-publicized decline
in the verbal SAT scores of American students?"
International Writing Institute is a Cleveland-based consulting firm
specializing in in-house writing courses for corporations and government
agencies.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 91 10:32:55 PDT
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: Funny Side Up phone #
To: spaf
>From yucks V1#82:
> To get a catalog, write or call:
> Funny Side Up
> 425 Stump Rd.
> North Wales, PA 19454
> +1 212-361-5130
This number is an unused number at Drexel-Birnham.(sp?!),
besides 212 is New York City. Or maybe that's part
of the joke?
The correct # is (215)361-5142.
[My typo -- sorry. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Sep 91 09:46:04 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I was a screaming fan!
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: mickey!gworek@csvax.cs.caltech.edu (Don Gworek)
Subject: Red carpet lift off of the shuttle
Subtitle 1: I was a screaming fan!
Subtitle 2: Yet another example that Don has far too much free time.
There are regular cattle calls for "screaming fans and autograph hounds"
in the studio employee newsletter. Cast members volunteer for overtime
for special events ranging from private handprint ceremonies in front of
the Chinese Theater (like for Sylvester Stallone in earlier this year),
to the more common event, greeting convention groups to the studio before
they head on for private audiences in some of the attractions or a meal.
Tonight I decided to be a screaming fan! Two groups were coming in.
For the first group we met backstage in our street clothes (for me, it
was one of my usual Hawaiian shirts), and then proceeded out to the bus
drop off area in front of the park. There was a very familiar sight here.
I'm forever seeing red carpets lined with spotlights in front of the
studios for arriving VIP's of some sort, and now, after tonight, I know
exactly what the red carpets are for! Screaming fans and autograph
hounds!
We lined up on either side of the carpet, and Disney officials handed out
autograph books and cameras to us to use. We practiced a few screams,
and four people were cued to do something different. Two of the cast
members had been outfitted as phony security officers, and two more cast
members volunteered to be barrier crashers that the fake officers would
put back behind the line.
While we were doing all this, we began to draw the attention of normal
guests, who also began to line up.
We then proceeded to wait several minutes for our group to arrive.
In the meantime, with perfect timing, the shuttle took off tonight at
about 7:12. The sun was setting instead of rising this time, and the view
of the shuttle was quite different this time. We could see a larger than
usual stream of reddish orange from the exhaust. Usually, with morning
launches, the sun overwhelms it. It looked like a slowly moving roman
candle, pretty spectacular.
It was the first time any of us had watched a shuttle launch from a red
carpet, so we let out a cheer! Pretty funny.
Soon, our group began to arrive in their tour buses. The first bus didn't
know what to think when the driver stopped at the red carpet, and there
were all these people yelling, screaming, and taking pictures like teenage
girls greeting the Beatles to America. They were stunned! Soon, they
began to proceed out, and everyone had big smiles and laughed. Some
people had their kids with them, and the kids were just wide-eyed amazed.
Four buses pulled up, and we greeted each of them wildly.
After the last bus, we cheered for awhile as the group faded in the
distance, into the park.
Then we proceeded to the breakroom to wait for the next group.
We waited quite awhile for the second group. In fact, after we moved into
position in front of the Brown Derby restaurant, the park was being
"swept". That is, security starts in the far corners of the park, and
gradually moves to the front of the park, checking each attraction,
restroom, shop, and restaurant is clear of guests.
The Brown Derby in this case had some guests still inside, savoring their
meal, and the guard responsible for that sector stopped and waited
discretely outside the entrance. As the last guests left the restaurant,
at their own pace mind you, there is NO encouragement by Disney to shoo
anyone out as they are our guests and may linger as long as they like,
the guard resumed his pace to the front of the park, following the last
guests at a good distance. He eventually caught up with the other members
of the sweep, and they all proceeded down Hollywood Blvd, following the
last guests out of the park.
Shortly after the sweep completed, the second group arrived. As they
reached mid-block of the Hollywood Blvd, we began to hoot, point, and take
pictures, slowly increasing our volume.
The group paraded past us, chuckling and smiling and laughing, signing
autographs, posing for our photos, shaking our hands, and high-fiving our
hands. We chanted the groups name, they really appreciated it.
As the last of the group headed to the door of the Brown Derby, we began
to chase them, with the phony security guards holding us back as we tried
to get close. The group laughed and waved. They really enjoyed it.
It was an interesting evening.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 91 07:26:32 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Klutz Flying Apparatus
To: yucks
One of my favorite catalogs whose reputation is not that widely
known:
The Flying Apparatus Catalogue
from: KLUTZ
2121 Staunton Court
Palo Alto, CA 94306
415-424-0739
They're the purveyors of the original 'Juggling for the Complete
Klutz', a variety of juggling apparatus, Icky Poo, Koosh Balls,
Megaballoons, Yo-yos (up to $75 each), VolleyBirds, Mega-Magnets,
Boondoggles, Zoetropes, Jester Hats, Big Feet, 3-D Glow-in-the-dark
Spaceship Underwear, Lightning Bolt through Head, Pig Windsocks,
Diabolos, Aerobie Orbiters, Jalbert Parafoils, Exerballs, Devil
Sticks, Unicycles, and much more.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 11:53:22 -0500
From: lark@greylock.tivoli.com (Lar Kaufman)
Subject: perfume
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
A quote from Julia Kendall, co-chair of Citizens for a Toxic Free
Marin, which is one of three organizations in astonishing Marin
County, California, that is trying to ban the wearing of perfume
in public places: "There are some weird people out there."
-lar
(who is fascinated with the group name, trying to figure out whether
the character missing between "Toxic" and "Free" is a comma or a dash...)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 13:25:14 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Santa Claus sues Macy's over loosing job
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
It seems Santa Claus has become infected with the AIDS virus, and
his employer wants to phase him out of his duties at the holiday
season, greeting the many children who come to Macy's with their
parents to tell Santa their wish list for Christmas.
As to be expected, the version of the facts and circumstances as told
by Santa Claus differ from the details Macy's is explaining to gay
rights and AIDS organizatons which have made inquiries. Macy's says
they are trying to find the right balance between medical facts, legal
pressures, public opinion and holiday spirit.
Santa says he tested positive for the AIDS virus five years ago, and
he is suing Macy's to get his job back, which he claims they took away
from him when they found out about his condition. Santa admits he was
not truthful in filling out his application for employment in 1989
when he first went to work for Macy's. He knew about his HIV infection
then, but failed to mention it on the application in discussing past
or present illnesses, etc. Macy's contends that uttering untruthful
statements on their application for employment is a sufficient reason
for dismissal in and of itself. His work must have been pretty good
however, because Macy's invited him to join their staff again at
Christmas, 1990.
This time around though, Santa mentioned he was taking AZT, the
anti-AIDS drug; and Prozac, a medication for depression. Not wanting
to seem biased aginst people with AIDS, Macy's had to think about
their dilemma for awhile ... and finally the store told Santa Claus
they had to do without his services this year because they did not
want him around little children since the Prozac might cause violent
reactions. Very politic as excuses go, don't you think?
Macy's took their beat-around-the-bush stance based on claims made in
lawsuits about Prozac, but neglected to mention that in those
lawsuits, Prozac's manufacturer and the Food and Drug Administration
are on the same side ... both insist no evidence supports such claims.
Santa Claus' attorney contends Macy's is not concerned about
depression but rather, about AIDS; and that the store is using the
Prozac excuse to protect its carefully burnished Christmas image from
being marred by ignorant and unwarranted fears of an HIV-infected Santa.
Of course there is no case on record of Santa Claus infecting a child
with HIV, nor is there any reason to expect such a case anytime soon.
But Macy's cited business reasons for their decision. The store said
that many parents -- however well informed about how AIDS is
transmitted and however understanding and supportive of people with
AIDS -- could still decide to find a Santa in one of their
competitor's establishments for that traditional little Christmas
cuddle with their children. And Macy's pointed out that ' .. even
though many people are well-informed and compassionate, there are many
parents who certainly are not ...' In summary, the store management
saw a potential for getting their holiday sales all screwed up if
Santa's medical condition became widely known. They did not explain
how such wide knowledge would occur.
Macy's pointed out that it makes 'substantial contributions' to AIDS
organizations, and that 'anyone who is familiar with our organization
knows we certainly are not anti-gay ...'.
After Santa raised a stink and threatened legal action, Macy's offered
him a job as Santa Claus supervisor, in charge of hiring elves and
other helpers, at a *much* higher pay than he had gotten the year
before. But Santa turned them down, saying he wanted his original job
back because he enjoyed the joyous contacts with children.
It's too bad Santa did not accept the promotion offered by his
employer. Now it is going to take a new Miracle on 34th Street to find
a happy ending to this sad story.
<< Santa Claus = Mark Woodley, New York City architect >>
------------------------------
Date: Fri Sep 13 13:44:13 PDT 1991
From: t-robtp@microsoft.COM
Subject: Whiteboard News
To: spaf
Date: Thu Sep 12 09:22:13 pdt 1991
This first item comes from NESEA's TGlaab:
Springfield, VA
Fairfax County police put on the uniforms of Greyhound bus
personnel to arrest a man suspected of holding up a bus station in
Fairfax City, then boarding a bus to escape.
Officers arrested Todd P. Vann and charged him with robbery
and abduction. Vann allegedly held up the Fairfax City
Greyhound terminal Tuesday afternoon, then boarded a bus at the
terminal, police said.
Police went to the Springfield Greyhound station where the bus
was headed. They evacuated the station and changed into
Greyhound shirts and name tags.
When the bus arrived, an officer, wearing a Greyhound shirt,
pushed a baggage cart up to it and boarded in order to convince
the driver - who was unaware a suspected robber was aboard -
that there would be a delay and the passengers should leave the
bus.
Vann got off the bus with the other passengers. Police, posing as
Greyhound employees and a passenger, arrested him based on a
description provided by Fairfax City police. Vann is being held at
a detention center in lieu of $30,000 bond.
==========
This quote comes by way of MicroSoftie RamanS:
Peter Haney:
"The `twentysomething generation' cynical?
"We came to political adulthood with Ronald Reagan; we learned
economics from Michael Milken and Donald Trump; we got
spiritual guidance from televangelists and gurus; we saw the
sexual revolution turn into the AIDS crisis; we cultivated our
taste for art by watching MTV; we cheered our war heroes in
Panama and Grenada; we placed our paper route money in failing
banks; and worst of all, disco is back!
"Cynical? I can't understand why."
==========
Brooksville, FL
A woman charged with bigamy was sentenced to 60 days in jail
and ordered to get rid of two of her three husbands.
"You understand you can only be married once," said Judge Jack
Springstead. "You can pick one and keep that one, but you have
to get divorced from the others."
Public Defenders said Sheryl Louise Harter, 27, didn't divorce
her first two husbands because she didn't have the money and
wasn't sure how.
Records show that Harter was married in 1984, 1988, and 1990.
==========
Eugene, OR
Kay Edgett was sure she'd seen her blue 1989 Toyota Camray
enter the front end of the Mr. Lustre car wash in Eugene.
But now here she was at the other end of the automatic
carwash...and her car wasn't. So she told the carwash
employees.
They looked and sure enough, it wasn't there. But there was
another blue Toyota Camray there instead.
"They were almost identical except this one has a pin stripe and
mine doesn't," said Edgett. "The other person took my car away
-- isn't that a riot?"
>From Edgett's perspective, it was, since her missing Camray had
48,000 miles on it while the one in front of her had only 24,000
and a tape deck to boot.
The carwash folks were notably disturbed and searched the glove
box to find out who really owned the car. They found the name
of the insurance company and called to get the number of the
owner. But when they called, there was no answer.
"About that time, here she comes flying in with my car." The
woman hadn't noticed anything amiss, she said, until she reached
home and reached for the now non-existent garage-door opener.
She then drove in her own car and drove off without another
word.
------------------------------
Date: Tue Sep 10 11:42:20 PDT 1991
From: t-robtp@microsoft.COM
[From joeha@microsoft.com]
Date: Tue Sep 10 10:37:14 pdt 1991
MicroSoftie, LeeHart, found this item in InfoWorld:
"Last week Microsoft sent out a letter to all Windows 3.1 Beta-
testers telling them that a new beta would soon be on its way.
Because someone in the mailroom up in Redmond forgot to stuff
most of the envelopes thousands of which arrived at their
destinations empty"
(InfoWorld pg 134 9/24/91 ,"Notes form the Field", Robert X
Cringely
==========
This also from MicroSoftie LeeHart:
Forest City, FL
It was a caper straight out of legend, but this Trojan horse was a
plywood crate that hid a young burglar who rifled the till at a
baseball card shop, authorities said.
Police on Thursday were still trying to find two teen-age boys
who came into the "Extra Base Baseball Card" store on Sunday
and asked a favor. They said they'd bought a big gift for their
dad and politely asked if they could leave it in the store
overnight.
"They said, `We have the box outside,"' store employee Tiffany
Roberts said. "I didn't know it was going to be a big, huge box.
By the time I turned around, they were wheeling it in the door."
But she and store manager Shane Estep agreed to keep the gaily
wrapped box that measured 4-by-4-by-3 feet. They didn't know
they were falling for one of the oldest cons in the book -- one
that dates to ancient Troy. The youths had smuggled a companion
into the store inside the box.
After the store locked up for the night, the accomplice concealed
inside the plywood crate broke out and escaped with $45 from the
cash register, authorities said.
The loot could have included baseball cards, memorabilia and
other items, but the store's alarm went off, evidently short-
circuiting the plan.
Left behind was the box. It was on wheels and had a hinged trap
door. Inside, sheriff's deputies found a false bottom filled with
baseball cards and two baseballs so that anyone looking inside
would not see the burglar hidden underneath. Also found were
two canvas bags that could have been used for the merchandise.
Estep said his biggest worry with young customers has been
shoplifting, not reincarnations of the Trojan horse.
"If you would have looked at them you would totally trust these
little kids," Estep said. "They came in here with those little baby
faces saying, `Can we keep this in here for our dad?"'
The caper ended up virtually an even trade for the baseball card
shop, Estep said. "On Monday, I took all the cards they left
and sold them for $42."
==========
This came from MicroSoftie GarrettM:
Quoted from a courtroom deposition in the Boston Globe, Feb.
18, 1991:
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
==========
Havana, Cuba
Cuban dissident Roberto Luque Escalona, who went on a hunger
strike to protest Cuba's role as host of the Pan Am games, has
been expelled from the opposition group he headed after being
filmed secretly breaking his fast while in detention.
Luque, who was president of the group Alternative Criterion,
said he ate nothing and drank only water for 34 days until the
Pan Am Games ended Aug. 18. When he left jail three days
later, he appeared thin and said he had lost 16 pounds, down to
just 108 pounds.
Unknown to Luque, state security forces filmed his jail cell and
caught him sneaking fruit, juice, broth, milk, desserts, bread, a
carrot and half a boniato, a vegetable that resembles a yam.
==========
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways
International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive
stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are
not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal
Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been
hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding:
"Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
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End of Yucks Digest
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