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Yucks Digest V1 #71
Yucks Digest Thu, 25 Jul 91 Volume 1 : Issue 71
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
And to think, we somehow missed Part 1...
Another false apprehension -- erroneous database information
Blowing with a vengeance!
But they got better...
For yucks - a company philosophy
OH NO, IT'S A MONTY PYTHON JOKE FOR UNIX WEENIES!
Pot Quiz for Justice Wannabes
Scientific Method
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
Date: Thu Jul 25 21:00:06 EST 1991
To: yucksters
From tomorrow evening until August 17, I will be travelling.
For almost all of that time (minus a few hours somewhere part-way
through) I will not have access to the network nor to my e-mail.
Thus, you will not be seeing a Yucks digests until mid-August.
Please continue to send me things, however. They'll accumulate on disk
and await my return. When I get back, I'll try not to flood you with
digests as we get caught up.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 91 09:21:42 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And to think, we somehow missed Part 1...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
(From the Washington Post Style/Entertainment section:)
According to Variety, the publication of the entertainment industry,
there is a film in production titled "Night of the Day of the Dawn of
the Son of the Bride of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant,
Hellbound, Zombied, Flesh-Eating, Sub-Humanoid Living Dead -- Part 2".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 91 9:04:40 PDT
From: "Peter G. Neumann" <neumann@csl.sri.com>
Subject: Another false apprehension -- erroneous database information
Newsgroups: comp.risks
Herb Caen, the San Francisco Chronicle's chronicler of the chronic and (a)cute,
starts off the 25 July 91 column with this ad infin-item:
Dennis Perry, an Oakland truck driver, and his good friend, Yvonne Kendrick
-- both are black --- rented a Hertz car to drive to Maryland to visit his
family. They took along his 4-yr old dghtr, Danielle, and all went
swimmingly until they were stopped in white-bread Williamsburg, Iowa, for no
apparent reason. The police ran a check on the car and found it listed by
Hertz as stolen. It wasn't, of course, but during the 24 hours it took Hertz
to correct the mistake, Dennis and Yvonne were held in jail and Danielle went
to a juvenile home. Atty. Dennis Hecht is handling the inevitable suit."
The next item was on Judge Clarence Thomas not being able to get a cab in DC.
After that came another item for our series of computer-addressed mail:
Jayne Valdez of Antioch forwards a copy of PG&E's closing bill addressed to
her late father, "Bob A. Speake, Deceased," with this neatly boxed encomium
printed on it: "Bob Speake, deceased for the last 12 months, you had an
excellent payment record. If you need to establish credit at another
utility, you may use this message as a credit reference."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 91 23:36:48 EST
From: Someone
Subject: Blowing with a vengeance!
Newsgroups: rec.bicycles
Dave Nastaszczuk writes:
>Ahem! Bit of a delicate problem here. Now that I'm back to moderate
>fitness on the bike (100 - 140 miles/week) I've found that whenever I do
>more than a 30 mile ride, I suffer the next day from fairly chronic
>flatulence (i.e. in common terms - farting). Naturally my office
>colleagues aren't too impressed.
Actually, you don't have a problem. Your office mates have a problem.
They should move to another office.
This a rather a common problem among cyclist, especially cyclists who put
in lots of miles.
When I was riding more, I was especially flatulent, and I found that
when someone was visiting me in my office and I wanted to end the
conversation, I could make life very difficult for them by just relaxing
a bit.
>[...]
>I've not changed my diet - I'm just eating more of everything.
This is exactly it, I think. When you start riding, your body must
process food much faster than it is accustomed to doing. Therefore, food
doesn't stay in your stomach long enough to get completely digested
before new food pushes it into your intestines. When it reaches your
intestines, it still contains some carbohydrates and other nutrients,
which the various organisms that live in your shit use to live on. They
produce some gas in the exchange, and that seeps out your, well, you
know. Hence you become musical.
>Anyway, I'm sure (or at least I hope) I can't be the only one to
>suffer from this. If anybody knows of a remedy I (and no doubt
>my office colleagues) would be most grateful.
You're best off to just accept it. A funny thing is that when groups of
cyclists get together, the music becomes a cacophony. Assuming that
there are no women present, giggling begins, and soon people challenge
each other to various contests, like who can make the most audibly
impressive fart, who can make the fart that does the best trill, who can
make the fart that spans the most octaves, who can rack up the greatest
number of farts in an evening, and who can let out the feared SBD
(silent but deadly) type.
My only suggestion is to modify your diet to include lots of beans,
Jerusalem artichokes, and lots of baked garlic. The former two items
will help you with sheer quantity of farts, and the baked garlic will do
wonders for your aromatic qualities. If you consider yourself to be a
SBD specialist (going for the orange-brown jersey) you should make a
special effort to eat baked garlic regularly. It's really rather
remarkable stuff.
In fact some of us get to be so expert at these skills that we earn
nicknames. One of my buddies goes by the handle "rides with wind."
Allan "Captain Mercaptan"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 22:54:27 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: But they got better...
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably
interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who
believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this:
Q: So you believe you're immortal?
A: Yes, I do, I cannot die.
Q: You mean you'll reincarnate?
A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die.
Q: Are there other immortal people?
A: Yes, there used to be.
Q: You mean they're dead now?
A: Yeah, they all died.
The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave
eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed
it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 91 15:25:29 edt
From: wex@PWS.BULL.COM
Subject: For yucks - a company philosophy
To: spaf
I've discovered the new Bull philosophy for dealing with a problem. First
they deny it's a problem. Then someone says "well, if it looks like a duck
and walks like a duck..." So they shoot it, and it don't walk like a duck
no more. And if they shoot it good enough, it don't even look like a duck
any more.
------------------------------
Date: 25 Jul 91 10:30:05 GMT
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu (Mark-Jason Dominus)
Subject: OH NO, IT'S A MONTY PYTHON JOKE FOR UNIX WEENIES!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first these
questions three, ere the other side he see:
``What is your name?''
``Sir Brian of Bell.''
``What is your quest?''
``I seek the Holy Grail.''
``What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?''
``I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!''
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 91 21:54:46 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Pot Quiz for Justice Wannabes
To: lots 'o people
It occurred to me that I know so many potential Supreme Court nominees
that I'd better get this out posthaste. Be prepared, and remember,
"American Education -- Just Say `No.'" (oops, wrong commercial.)
S.
----
One Toke Under the Line: Pot Quiz for Justice Wannabes
by Richard Leiby, Washington /Post/ Staff Writer
[reproduced without permission]
So apparently it's okay to have smoked a little dope. Provided,
of course, that you were still in college, /experimenting/, because
it was the '60's then and people did nutty things. Like wearing
sunglasses at night, which seemed cool at the time, but was stupid,
really.
That's how the White House officially distinguishes Supreme Court
nominee Clarence Thomas from Douglas Ginsburg, whose nomination
crashed and burned a few years back when it was disclosed that he
had indulged in reefer into his thirties.
We asked the White House yesterday to spell out any of the
president's additional criteria pertaining to a marijuana-use
statute of limitations in judicial appointments. A spokesman
informed us that there were none. This made us suspect duplicity;
we suspect the nominate/don't nominate formula falls into the
same gray zone as highway speed limits: Posted at 55, but you're
safe at 62, right?
Surely other factors apply. Your /reason/ for smoking. How
/much/ you smoked. How /long/ you smoked. How /small/ a roach
you could hold.
But the White House stonewalled.
It falls to us, then, to figure out the formula to determine
the Thomas Standard vs. the Ginsberg Standard.
Clip and save, in case your name is ever put in nomination for
an appointment to the US Supreme Court. Low score is best.
If you ever smoked marijuana, start with 10 points.
1. How often did you use it?
(a) Once, and only because of unbearable peer pressure, and you
didn't actually inhale. (Subtract 3)
(b) Once, and you didn't like it. (-2)
(c) Once, and you liked it but threw up. (-1)
(d) You own a nitrogen-cooled, nine-hose Turkish hookah. (Add 10)
2. Regarding the credibility of your denial, describe your current
physical appearance:
(a) Jut-jawed Senatorial. (-2)
(b) Bespectacled, Tweedy Professorial. (-1)
(c) Sonny Bono/Cher. (+2)
(d) Deadhead/Dreadlocks. (+10)
3. Length of time since you last smoked:
(a) More than 10 years ago. (-1)
(b) Three to 10 years. (+5)
(c) Three years or less. (+20)
(d) Currently high. (+50)
4. Stated judicial philosophy on marijuana:
(a) Unalterable opposition to legalization. (-1)
(b) Life imprisonment for dealers. (-5)
(c) Life imprisonment for manufacturers of "bongs." (-10)
(d) "Dope will get you through times of no money better
than money will get you through times of no dope." (+5)
5. Degree of temptation you were exposed to:
(a) You were in Vietnam. (-10)
(b) Your girlfriend/boyfriend had a waterbed and a black light. (-5)
(c) You lived in a commune with Wavy Gravy. (+10)
(d) You needed marijuana to help come down from acid. (+20)
6. Your degree of remorse:
(a) The Thomas Concession: "I express regret." (-2)
(b) The Ginsburg Principle: "It was a mistake." (-5)
(c) The Barry Standard: "The bitch set me up." (+20)
Scoring:
0 or less: Justice.
1 or more: No justice.
------------------------------
Date: 24 Jul 91 10:30:09 GMT
From: pf@islington-terrace.csc.ti.com (Paul Fuqua)
Subject: Scientific Method
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From Lloyd Smith, MD, during his address at the graduation ceremony for
the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, May 25:
"Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent
two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as
controls."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 91 17:33:17 -0700
From: lost@sea (Gary Meyers)
To: sunlabs@sea
Subject: New Drug of choice? -- Humor
Fowarded from a friend...
This is from the Stanford Univ. Bull. Board
Did you all see that article in the Sunday Examiner about yawning? Page 3
of the Sunday Punch section, in case you missed it.
Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry
entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning",
describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug
Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of
spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned.
The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3
months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10
days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug,
since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she
was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning.
Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he
found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue
the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness
and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom".
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End of Yucks Digest
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