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Yucks Digest V1 #46

Yucks Digest                Mon, 22 Apr 91       Volume 1 : Issue  46 

Today's Topics:
               A Cat, a Tree, and a New Word Definition
                          Bare Buns Fun Run
                                cutie
                         going, going, weird
                      In the (Weekly World) News
                       Seen in rec.food.recipes
                      standard disclaimers apply
                           Top Ten List...
 Why did the chicken cross the road?  --Famous Peoples Conjectures--
                              wierd.....

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 20 Apr 91 23:30:04 GMT
From: larry@kitty.UUCP (Larry Lippman)
Subject: A Cat, a Tree, and a New Word Definition
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

	As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful.  This is a true story which happened during the late
1970's.  My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.

	There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY.  One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree.  Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.

	The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder.  The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder.  Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action.  Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.

	The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.

	The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

	The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

	This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".

	Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds.  Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.

------------------------------

Date: 12 Apr 91 19:36:16 GMT
From: gregb@phred.UUCP (Greg Brown)
Subject: Bare Buns Fun Run
Newsgroups: rec.nude,rec.running

     The 1991 BARE BUNS FUN RUN is scheduled for July 28.

It is a 5K, clothing optional run. Sponsored by The Kaniksu Ranch Nudist Club

Course:
     5K, wheel measured, smooth surface dirt road, senic [sic] forest. Out and back.
Generally downhill, outbound. Gentle uphill, inbound. The altiude is about
2700 feet.

Check-in:
     7:30 am to 9:15 am. Race is at 9:30 am.

Hot-line: (509) 624-6777 24 hr. recorded message.

For more information:
     KANIKSU RANCH - BBFR
     BOX 5003
     Spokane, Wa. 99205-5003

------------------------------

Date: 19 Apr 91 05:27:34 EST (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
Newsgroups: rec.humor
To: spaf

Contributed by: Gene Spafford <gatech!purdue!spaf>

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the
conviction that ones' work is terribly important.

[I don't remember where I first heard this, but I think it may be
true.  I believe it is a critical part of this digest to bring you
information like this. Vital.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 22 Apr 91 17:34:42 PDT
From: kds@blabla.intel.com (Ken Shoemaker)
Subject: going, going, weird
To: rsk@hazel.circ.upenn.edu, spaf

March 31, 1991

THE DOCTOR IS ... OUT TO LUNCH? 

Dr. Michael Gilbert, 75, a prominent psychiatrist who for three decades has
taken the witness stand many times to describe criminal defendants' mental
defects, has entered a defense of insanity himself in Miami.  He is charged
with offering to bribe a police officer to find a hit man to kill a
suspected child abuser.  The prosecutor thinks Gilbert is faking.

THEY WEAR EXPENSIVE SUITS

Lynn Persoff was sentenced for contempt of court in August for violating a
court order (on a divorce settlement) not to bad-mouth her ex-husband,
Myron.  At a black-tie social event in Boca Raton, Fla., a community in
which both are well-known socialites, she called him a "moron."

Jill Bangle of Los Angeles sued her veterinarian for $1500 in expenses and
additional surgery in September after he removed too much skin while
performing a face lift on her Chinese shar pei.

Hugh Craig Jr., angry that he scratched his car in a Wendy's restaurant
parking lot because the curb was too high, sued the Wendy's chain in June in
Indianapolis, and decided to throw in all the legal claims he could think
of, including "false advertising" (because the hamburgers contain no ham).
He is seeking $1.99 quadrillion (but will accept that amount in
cheeseburgers if Wendy's buys them from White Castle).

Penny Pellito, 52, a Miramar, Fla, homemaker who says she is psychic, went
to trial in February on claims that a board that fell on her head while she
was shopping in a Home Depot store four years ago caused her to lose many of
her powers.  She says she can still pick racetrack winners but can no longer
"take on (other people's) bodies (in her mind)."

Last summer, Raleigh, N.C., Superior Court Judge Howard E. Manning, in a
dispute about whether a confiscated substance was marijuana, ordered the
bailiff to get rolling papers and light it up.  Manning and a detective
concluded from the smell, officially, that it was marijuana.

A federal court in New York refused to dismiss a woman's sexual harassment
lawsuit against her employer last fall despite the fact that the woman had
"repeatedly" stabbed her former supervisor "without provocation" at a
deposition.  The court noted that the woman had behaved at subsequent
depositions and promised not to stab the man again.

An Illinois appeals court ruled in a lawyer malpractice case in November
that a lawyer's sexual relationship with his client had no effect on the
quality of legal services provided.  The court reaffirmed that every lawyer
has a fiduciary duty to his client, but refraining from having sex with them
is not part of that duty.

In January, Donna Wallah won $11,500 for injuries suffered in a 1989 car
accident in Nashville, Tenn.  Among her losses was that one of her saline
gel breast implants deflated several weeks after the accident, followed
shortly by the other one, both caused, she claims, by her being thrust
against her car's shoulder belt.

Casey Kronberger, 10, sued Dustin Zins, 8, for $78,000 in 1989 in Bismark,
N.D., for a 1988 dirt-throwing incident, but a jury ruled last year that
both boys were equally at fault for Casey's dental damages.  In November
1990, a new trial was ordered, but the court affirmed that Dustin's parents
would not be liable for damages under any circumstances, so Casey can
collect only from Dustin.

Janet Crowther, of Mereaux, La., won $340,000 for injuries from a K mart
store sustained in a 1985 incident.  Crowther had gone to the store to buy
towels, but as a clerk wheeled a cart of Cabbage Patch doll clothing in an
aisle close to the towel display and then announced a "blue-light special,"
bedlam broke out, and Crowther was trampled.

A man who calls himself the "World's Fittest Man" (who once did 52,000
sit-ups in 32 hours), recently broke down in tears in a San Francisco
courtroom when confronted with his "inadequacies."  He was describing how,
at a local trade show, he accepted a challenge to be hooked up to the
"neuromuscular stimulator" and, according to a witness, the "world's fittest
man" "shot up in the air and fell like a brick."

April 7, 1991

KIDS NOT CUT OUT FOR LIVES OF CRIME

Police in Des Moines, Wash., captured two teen-age bank robbers in January.
Several citizens reported seeing two kids cruising slowly back and forth in
front of the bank in a rundown car and then going in.  As the kids leapt
into their car to get away, they discovered the battery was dead.  When they
got out to check under the hood, they locked their keys and loot inside.
Then they panicked and fled on foot but ran straight into a passing police
cruiser.

AN EXERCISE IN ANGER

Muscular bodybuilders Bridget Mornon, 20, and Lorie Sencer, 28, sued the
city of Costa Mesa in November because police officers, believing they were
men, stopped them as they were leaving a women's restroom at a rock concert.
Morton said she was forced to drop her pants to prove her gender.  Sencer
said she tried to reason with the officers, saying, "Everything's cool.
We're women.  Look at our (clothed) breasts."

In June, a Davenport, Iowa, man who had just suffered a heart attack and was
awaiting evacuation to a hospital was kept inside an ambulance at the
airport for more than two hours.  His plane could not land because the
airport was "closed" for an air show.

John Rabe, Elyria (Ohio) High School principal, resigned and was charged
with a felony last summer for allegedly changing the grades of his daughter,
who graduated from the school in June.

In August, two Swedish government nurses, working for a 31-year-old mentally
ill man on a holiday (which the man paid for) to Turkey, accidentally lost
the man at Stockholm Airport but, after looking around for him for "over an
hour," decided to take the holiday without him.  Though the nurses had the
man's ticket and passport, one said the man "can cope by himself."  He was
eventually found and returned to the hospital "in worse condition."

In November, police in Rio de Janeiro arrested landlord Cesario Vieira da
Cruz, 64.  Distraught after four years of failure to evict his tenants
because he thought they paid too little rent, he was caught attempting to
pour acid into his building's water supply.

Police in San Diego arrested William H. Hart, 75, in January after he
allegedly robbed a bank of $70 while in his motorized wheelchair and after
he had threatened to blow up the bank with "nitroglycerine" he had.  He
managed only two blocks before police caught up with him, and the only nitro
on him was in his heart pills.

The former leader of Czechoslovakia's Communist Party, Vasil Mohorita, was
dismissed from a parliamentary committee in December.  Party members charged
the dismissal was political, but the committee's official reason was
Mohorita was caught chewing gum during a speech by visiting French President
Francois Mitterrand.

Frustrated by delays and jail overcrowding, New York City federal judge
Morris Lasker ruled in November that jailed criminal suspects who are not
provided with beds within 24 hours must be paid $150 immediately plus $100
for every 12 hours until a bed is found.

In January, Bernard Sexton, 26, of Cambridge, Ill., withdrew his guilty plea
to misdemeanor alcohol charges and pleaded instead to a related felony,
good for an 18-month sentence.  Reason: The county jail where misdemeanants
are sent bans smoking, but the state prison permits it.

Police in Omaha, Neb., arrested Dr. Bruce Harvey, the only doctor on duty at
the Clarkson Hospital emergency room, in December, because he refused to
draw blood from a drunk-driving suspect quickly enough, thus jeopardizing
the police's case against the man.  (Harvey was attending to other
patients.)  The emergency room was thus left unattended for about an hour.

According to Thonglor Markmee, a guardian of the Erawan Hindu shrine in
downtown Bangkok, increasingly larger crowds have made impractical the
traditional nude dancing by females who visit the shrine to ask for good
luck.  Instead, he reports, some visitors have taken to leaving X-rated
videos inside the shrine.

Laurel Vutano, 33, a Pineallas County, Fla., teacher, was suspended in
November for being affectionate with her boyfriend in front of her
second-grade class and for encouraging her students (with 50-cent offers) to
make obnoxious phone calls to her boyfriend's estranged wife.  The wife
reported "many" calls "from little voices."

April 21, 1991

CHILDREN TAXED OUT OF EXISTENCE

The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American
children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation.  That
number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of
child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the
IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.

Plant City, Fla., police arrested a 17-year-old, free-lance "police officer"
in January and charged him with stopping motorists and "scolding" them for
minor traffic infractions.

On Valentine's Day in Toledo, Ohio, a man, upset at the breakup of his
marriage and his inability to convince his wife to reconcile, shot himself to
death with a crossbow.  The man, Jeffrey Valentine, was 32.

Human sperm was recently classified as a taxable good in Canada.  Thus, women
who undergo donor insemination would pay the national sales tax of about $7
per procedure.  After a brief uproar, the classification was rescinded.

Ophilia Yip, 34, drove the family van with her four children in it off a pier
into the harbor in Los Angeles in January.  Her husband said she had been
depressed about how her children would turn out if they had to grow up in
L.A.

A new Italian magazine, Hooligans, says it is dedicated to soccer fans and
skinheads who don't "love" violence "but who don't fear it, either."  The
first issue sold out and included an editorial praising the violent British
soccer fans: "Violent and aggressive, the English football fan does not limit
himself to self-defense as the Anglo-Saxon culture dictates, but actively
seeks provocation and clashes."

About a dozen families have moved recently to the Texas hill country town of
Wimberly to save themselves from allergies by establishing a chemical-free
environment.  They live outdoors on cotton mats and indoors in rooms lined
with porcelain or aluminum foil.  They hang their mail in the breeze before
opening it and avoid newspapers unless each page is wrapped in cellophane.

Vanity Fair reports that Manuel Noriega is a good host in his prison cell in
that he always offers visitors Oreo cookies.  Said Noriega's lawyer, "He may
no longer be the ruler of his nation, but psychologically he still has this
need to offer you hospitality."

COMPELLING EXPLANATIONS

Brian Kernodle, 21, walked into a Key West hospital emergency room in January
with two hand grenades strapped to his body and demanded medical care.  After
being promised care, he disarmed himself, explaining that he thought his
approach was the best way to ensure that he would get attended to in the busy
hospital.

Bruno Basic, 46, of Cambridge Ont., was convicted of driving while impaired
by alcohol in February despite his explanation of why his blood alcohol
reading was so high.  Basic said he was perfectly sober at the time of the
crash but that a good Samaritan just happened to be at the scene of the
accident, bearing liquor, and gave Basic several drinks to calm him down
before police arrived.

Eleven National City, Calif., police officers were caught cheating on an oral
promotion exam last May, but were let off with no action against them because
they had not been specifically instructed not to cheat.

A 48-year-old man was found not guilty of indecent exposure by a Gastonia,
N.C., judge in December.  A woman said she had seen the man masturbating in
his car in a parking lot, but the man persuaded the judge that a bee had
flown up his shorts and that he had pulled down his pants to kill it.  The
man's wife took the stand and testified that her husband definitely appeared
to have been stung.

------------------------------

From: spaf
Subject: In the (Weekly World) News
To: yucks-request

From the March 19th Weekly World News.

Headline story was "Captured UFO Flown by U.S. Navy Pilots: It travels
at 90,000 MPH and vaporizes targets in Iran"

Basically, the story was that our troops' great success in Iraq was
from using this captured UFO to vaporize enemy aircraft and air
defenses. 

Inside front page was about an Israeli newlywed couple who got a bit
frisky during an air raid, and nearly suffocated wearing only their
gas masks. 

However, my two favorite stories:
"History's Most Bizarre Murder Weapons" recounts some unbelievable
murders committed with:
  * a toothpick.  Jordi NotHisRealName of Barcelona stabbed his wife in the
heart with one.
  * a lawn mower.  Janny Dalmolen ran over her husband's head with a
21 inch rear bagger mower after she found lipstick on one of his
shirts.  [Good thing it was a bagger, eh?]
  * a billiard ball.  in 1843, two Frenchmen had a duel with billiard
balls.  Someone named Mellant killed his opponent, Lenfant, by a
direct strike to the forhead.
  * a dead fish.  Peter Geiger clubbed Horst Renk to death with a
snapper to conclude an argument about who would get the last piece of
fishing bait.
  * hot sauce.  Joel Gascon killed his mother by pouring a bottle of
pepper sauce down her throat.
  * a turtle.  Wendy Gilbert was being beaten by her abusive mother,
so she hurled her brother's box turtle at the woman and broke her
skull.
  * potato chips.  Martha Gumble killed her "couch-potato" husband by
suffocating him with a bag of potato chips. [Probably without ridges.]
  * a cork.  A chef in 1832 fired a champagne cork at a cheating
mistress and killed her.

No record of any posting in Yucks, however, even causing bodily
damage. Whew!

The other gem is a story about "Space Alien Health Manual found at UFO
Landing Site."  Without quoting the whole story, some wahoo named Dr.
Peter Waring claims to have discovered a 45 page health manual near a
site in Nairobi, Kenya where a UFO was spotted as having landed.  He
claims to have spent a few months decoding the mathematical language
used inside.

Dr. Waring is the founder of a "UFO watchdog group named E.T. Today."
He held a press conference to tell about the wonderful information in
the book, but stressed that these are obviously not cures intended for
humans: 
  * Acne.  Scrape vigorously with knife or file.  Acid bath optional.
  * Arthritis: Sip kerosene as necessary to relieve pain and reduce
swelling.  [Kerosene is stocked at all the best interplanetary
hospitals, of course.]
  * Stomach upset.  Chew clay or dirt until pain subsides.
  * Fatigue.  Electrical shocks as needed to restore pep.
  * Colds and flu.  Acorn juice at first sign of onset.  [That's why
aliens are visiting us!  To steal our acorns!]
  * Obesity.  Boost salt intake and eat more white and green meats.
Exercise regularly -- at least once a month -- and consume foods from
the five sugar groups twice daily.  [I do this and it doesn't help.]
  * Safe sex.  Keep ear coverings in place after contact for a count
of 3 trillion.  [Hmmm, aural sex is dangerous?]
  * Blisters.  Lick until gone. [Unless caused by the safe sex.]
  * Broken bones.  Elevate overnight.
  * Heart disease.  Activate spare.
  * Cancer.  Sleep until cured.

Methinks that Dr. Waring has been sipping too much kerosene.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 22 Apr 91 13:58:43 EST
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: Seen in rec.food.recipes
To: spaf

>> For those parties interested in Polish cooking ...
>> 
>> My wife gave me her copy of "Favorite Recipes" published by The
>> Felician Sisters of Our Lady of the Angels Convent in Enfield,
>> Connecticut.  It is a 200+ page, soft cover book of Polish Foods and
>> non-Polish cuisine; it splits 35/75 as Polish/non-Polish but its very
>> authentic!

Gee, I thought Polish jokes went out with the 70's.  If you didn't get
it, read the last sentence of the paragraph again.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 19:13:27 EDT
From: meo%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Martian Fruitcake)
Subject: standard disclaimers apply
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

Roadkills-R-Us has found it necessary to protect its freely available
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    even more so than GM, are infinitely, recursively registered as
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------------------------------

Date: 19 Apr 91 21:35:37 GMT
From: haas@hydra3b.cs.utk.edu (The Future Mr. Graf)
Subject: Top Ten List...
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Taken from the David Letterman Show...

Top Ten Interview Questions Asked Miss America 
Contestants

10.  Which is your favorite dancing raisin?
 
 9.  Can you spell you home state without looking 
     at your banner?

 8.  How does it feel to be the only contestant with
     a fat butt?

 7.  How much of your scholarship money have you lost
     in the slots?

 6.  If you were stranded on a desert island with a
     shampoo for oily hair and creme rinse for dry
     hair - what would you do?

 5.  Aren't there any other girls in your state?

 4.  Don't you want to put some ointment on that?

 3.  Are those real?

 2.  Don't you have anything better to do?

 1.  Would you consider teming up with Miss Teen U.S.A.
     to fight crime light Batman and Robin?

------------------------------

Date: 21 Apr 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: s65327@ursa.calvin.edu (John A. Bolhuis)
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?  --Famous Peoples Conjectures--
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

[Why did the chicken cross the road?]

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored)
reason.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp.  What chicken?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely.
Ah canna work miracles, captain!

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of
which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into that
kind of thing, you know.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which
thank goodness are good, dahling.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Epicurus: For fun.

TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop
its forward momentum.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for
it to cross.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.
But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during
the duration.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

---
Reprinted with permission from the December, 1989 issue of the
Calvin College Dialogue

Note regarding original material contained therein:
	This collection of Chicken Jokes was dreamed up by the staff
members of the Calvin College Dialogue last year.  Now I was a staff
member, and I wrote some of the jokes myself, but the others (Steve Mulder,
Heather Gemmen, et.al.) wrote many of them as well.
	What I am trying to say is that this is original material, but it
was created by a group of weirdos, not just one weirdo.

-John Bolhuis

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 12:53:22 EDT
From: ccastmg@prism.gatech.edu (Michael G. Goldsman)
Subject: wierd.....
To: Yucks-request

from the Atlanta Constitution.  4/11/91

"Sounds Logical"  
	When Vice President Dan Quayle signed autographs
with his finger at the white House Easter egg roll, there
was a better reason than using a Stealth pen, maintains
his spokesman, Dave Beckwith. Mr. Beckwith says Mr. Quayle
had signed several dozen autographs on cards in advance,
enabling him to mv briskly and efficiently through the crowd,
making his signing gestures, while an aide followed behind,
passing out autographed cards to  puzzled recipients.

/*  Anyone remember Milli-Vanilli???  */

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End of Yucks Digest
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