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Yucks Digest V1 #26
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #26
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Wed, 27 Feb 91 22:33:12 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Wed, 27 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 26
Today's Topics:
A response to perl hackers
A weird error message
DESPERADO, Ain't We Got Fun?
Football
"small print"
Henry Spencer on C
How 'bout it folks????? (YAPJ)
Modelling tectonic hazard
Name Changes
Public Enemy Number Two
quote for Clouds book
Sauron Hussein, the Lord of the Rings
Selected Iraq jokes from rec.humor.funny
Sounds reasonable to me!
Strange, to say the least
What's in a name?!
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Thu, 7 Feb 91 12:20:50 -0500
From: amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Subject: A response to perl hackers
Newsgroups: comp.text.tex
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Date: 25 Feb 91 11:43:46 GMT
From: dac@prolix.pub.uu.oz.au (Andrew Clayton)
Subject: A weird error message
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,rec.humor
When NOS/BE finally got to a stable configuration (about two years after they
decided it was a dead O/S), three places in the world noticed a problem - if
the machine stayed up for 24 DAYS, the system time-of-day clock would go
haywire, and crash the system. :-)
The bug had never previously been found, because nobody had a Cyber running
NOS/BE that had stayed _up_ for 24 days continuously!
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Date: Fri, 22 Feb 91 13:45:22 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: DESPERADO, Ain't We Got Fun?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Two lions escape from the zoo. They decide that they'd better split
up, but agree to meet three months later at a given spot.
Three months go by and they meet at the appointed place. One is very
skinny and the other appears very robust.
The Robust One (TRO): What happened to you? You look terrible!
The Skinny One (TSO): When we split up, I went to a nearby village.
All I did was to eat one small person, and the villagers got very
upset. They started chasing me with guns! I've been on the run ever
since and haven't had a thing to eat since then.
TRO: That's too bad.
TSO: What about you? You seem to be doing well.
TRO: Well, I made my way to Digital headquarters in Maynard.
I've been eating a manager a week, and nobody seems to notice.
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From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Football
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
"Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."
- /Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball/
by George F. Will,
quoted in the April 1 /New York Times Book Review/
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Date: Fri, 22 Feb 91 00:36:04 PST
From: lauren@vortex.COM (Lauren Weinstein)
Subject: for yucks: subject: "small print"
To: spaf@vortex.COM
On the topic of reading small print in magazines, I remember an issue
of "Mad Magazine" from almost 25 years ago that had a similar gem.
The article had lots of fake newspaper headlines with various humorous
commentary associated with each one. Below each headline was a
gray blur representing the newspaper story itself. I took a magnifying
glass to the page and found that the gray blur actually read,
repeated over and over:
"This is the smallest type we could find which we are cleverly using
as dummy newspaper copy. And if you can read it your face is too
darn close to the page!"
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Date: 27 Feb 91 22:55:16 GMT
From: hadjiyi@cat49.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis)
Subject: Henry Spencer on C
Newsgroups: rec.humor
The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
======================================
(by Henry Spencer)
(1)Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements
with care, for verily its perception and judgment oft exceed thine.
(2)Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and
madness await thee at its end.
(3)Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected
type if they are not of that type already, even when
thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they
take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.
(4)If thy header files fail to declare the return types of
thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself
with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm
befall thy program.
(5)Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings
(indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest
``foo'' someone sosmallay shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
(6)If a function be advertised to return an error code in
the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that
code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of
thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for
if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods
shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.
(7)Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to reinvent
them without cause, that thy code may be short
and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
(8)Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure
clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace
Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity
is better used in solving problems than in creating
beautiful new impediments to understanding.
(9)Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first
six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome
and the years of its necessity stretch before thee
seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and
go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make
thy program run on an old system.
(10)Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile
heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'',
and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who
cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy
program may be long even though the days of thy current
machine be short.
------------------------------
Date: 27 Feb 91 21:36:37 GMT
From: patvh@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Pat Van Hoomissen)
Subject: How 'bout it folks????? (YAPJ)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
True Story - Last week one of our troops, a lance corporal, called up the
Bagdad Hotel to make reservations for a party to be held in a week. "And how
many will there be in your party?" the women asked seriously...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 1991 10:12:17 PST
From: eugene@nas.nasa.gov (Eugene N. Miya)
Subject: Modelling tectonic hazard
Newsgroups: ca.earthquakes
Abstract:
The "Big One" is modelled. Unexpected results occurred which can affect
the socio-economic future of the state.
Problem statment:
To satisfy the public's incessant desire to know about a California
earthquake. It is generally agreed that the major seismic hazard
exists in the southern portion of the state.
The desire is to model the effects of "The Big One."
Method:
A map model of the state of California was purchased.
The map was composed of a homogeneous, organic, collodial solid.
Foregoing the usual paper machete and attempts to model the properties
of the usual batholiths, strata, slip faults, and structure, this research
made the bold stroke of using a relief map composed of a milk chocolate.
The topographic chocolate relief map was a 1:20,000,000 scale
model purchased from a retailer in the city of San Jose, CA.
The vertical scale likely had exaggerated relief. All the more tasty.
The San Andreas and other fault systems are clearly distinguishable.
We assume that the thicker portions of the solid (Z > z for all Z,z > 0.0)
are likely to resist movement and shear stress than the thinner portions.
Topographic details are rendered as delicious lithographic landforms.
A specific geographic area is covered.
It is an acknowledged concern that the area near Ft. Tejon, CA has had
minimal movement (in excess of statistical averages). The area is notable
for it is also the intersection of both the San Andreas AND the Garlock Fault
zones. The methods simulates the input of energy into the epicenter
involved the sudden application of force to this model area by means of
a quick blow using a Mid-European Country Military sharp instrument.
Limitations:
This model is limited to crustal activity and does not involve lower
activity in the mantle.
Continental shelf, slope, and sea bed were not modelled and instead were
composed of a uniformly thick slab of sweet milk chocolate.
The same thickness extended thru the states of Oregon, Nevada, and
the model of country in Mexico.
It is difficult to build a model on a fluid mantle, so we ignore those for
this study. It was cheap.
Results:
Catastrophic failure took place took place in an unexpected
direction. Rather than the expect NW-SE direction along the San Andreas
trace, the Garlock sheared and the Southern portion of the state fractured.
Regretably, the model was destroyed during the test. The impact of
the shock was beyond the capability of repair. The model was consumed.
Analysis:
This violated the standard hypothesis that the portions of the
Pacific plate would either slid past the North American plate or
the Eastern hypothesis that all of CA would fall into the sea.
(we failed to simulate seabed).
The model has clear limitations. The assumption of homogeneous media
is clearly an over-simplification of real tectonic structures. This research
clearly requires higher quality solid materials. The clear determinant
was the thickness of the chocolate layer, then the adequacy of this model
is based on this thickness so we consider it an adequate 1-D model.
[The model was made in Denver, perhaps Swiss chocolate might even be better.]
Repercussions of this model's prediction can change the socio econmic
patterns of the state. Perhaps the traditional split of the
state into a Northern component and a Southern component is warrented.
The North could form a new country, or the Southern might become a
new State for Mexico. The possibilities are endless.
Continued research:
The next step of an adequate 2-D model is needed, then 3-D.
Further funding for purchase of the homogeneous media might offer
new insights into the behavior of thes models. We hope continued
research using these models by colleagues such as Smither, Ahrens, and Kamb
might produce further insights in solids geophysics.
Larger scale models might be recommended (perhaps a 1:5,300,000 scale?)
Added relief might also add chocolate.
Adding features to models can include surrogates such as nuts (i.e., cashews,
peanuts, etc.) thus simulating interesting subsurface anomalies.
References:
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia.
E. Callenbach, Ecotopia Emerging.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Feb 91 11:30:04 GMT
From: sfleming@cs.heriot-watt.ac.uk
Subject: Name Changes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:
1. Where were you born ?
2. Where did you go to school ?
3. Where did you attain your majority ?
4. Where do you wish to live ?
One return provided the following answers:
1. St Petersburg
2. Petrograd
3. Leningrad
4. St Petersburg
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Date: 25 Feb 91 17:20:06 GMT
From: loren@cis.ohio-state.edu (Loren Schwiebert)
Subject: Public Enemy Number Two
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following appeared in the February 8, 1991 issue of The Columbus Dispatch:
Spin magazine surveyed students for its March issue, asking, "If law
and normal consequences were suspended for one day, whom would you
kill?" Of 750 students polled, more than half either left the question
blank or responded that killing is entirely unacceptable. Saddam
Hussein was the obvious and overwhelming favorite as murder target,
followed by New Kids on the Block.
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Date: Mon, 25 Feb 91 14:02:14 EST
From: wilkes@penguin.ulowell.edu (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes)
Subject: quote for Clouds book
To: spaf
This weekend I ran across the perfect beginning quote for the Clouds
book (or Preface):
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Dan Quayle
[Quoted in the Boston Globe, 2/22/91, in a column by Susan Trausch
discussing the "Dan Quayle Joke, Song and Blooper Line"
(1-900-USA-DANNY) and "The Quayle Quarterly."]
I believe this quote relates strongly to the original Clouds group.
(Well, maybe not a *tremendous* impact on history....)
[Tom is referring to a group of former Georgia Tech grad students who
did their theses on the Clouds system. I was one, Tom was one, and
there are other guilty parties.... 5 of us are trying to finish a book
on the experience. The quote seems oddly appropriate. --spaf]
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Date: 25 Feb 91 09:28:58 GMT
From: eh@ign.UUCP (eh@phenix pour news)
Subject: Sauron Hussein, the Lord of the Rings
Newsgroups: rec.humor
[A tale of Bilbo Schwartzkopf --spaf]
Saddam Hussein has covered Kuwait with the Shadow. The Evil has gained
a neighbour country of Mordor. Now the sky over the Shire is getting
dark. The Shadow is spreading more and more. His troups of soldiers
are like huge troups of Orcs. Everything they touch gets spoiled. They
are like waves of oil against a white shoreline. When they sound the
retreat, they leave all sorts of heterogeneous objects behind them on
the road: old shoe, cask, ... Their moral is low and disputes often
cause damage in their ranks.
Luckily, Gandalf Bush has succeeded to lead a vast coalition of all
people towards Mordor, since the decision of the Council. The battle
is decisive. No future for Saddam Hussein means long and peaceful life
for peoples around. In the heart of Mordor, Sauron lives in Baghdad-Ur
(Barad-Dur for Tolkien). He has many servants disseminated in the
world, who get agitated when their Master calls through the magic Eye.
But the allied forces know where to strike, and they march as fast as
they can to kick Sauron out of the Shire, and to reduce the evil in its
source.
[Someone noted in a followup, that they believe Tolkein was perhaps
a better sayer of sooth than Nostradamus. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 26 Feb 91 03:26:33 GMT
From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Funny Guy)
Subject: Selected Iraq jokes from rec.humor.funny
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Cleared by U.S. Military
From: dlarson@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com (Dale Larson)
Subject: boys and girls
No more supporting "our boys in the field." Even unreconstructed
generals now refer to "our fighting men and women." To paraphrase
NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to
make a boy into a man.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: rodmur@ecst.csuchico.edu (D.A. Harris)
Subject: Quote from the Iraqi invasion
Most memorable quote of the War:
"He asked for it, he got it, it just happened not to be a Toyota", said
Prince Fahid of Saudi Arabia, of Saddam Hussein, during an interview with NBC's
Arthur Kent in Dhahran approximatly 12 hours after the first invasion of Iraq
by Allied forces.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bob Church)
Considering the luck Husseins been having with his Scud missiles and
anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without
getting his shoes wet.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: eeg@frame.com (Eric Griswold)
Subject: The British and the war
I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the
Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to
say the word "scud".
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: slo@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Steve Loughran)
Subject: Iraq vs. France
So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?
The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable
evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (good, Conan - good)
Organization: Convex Computer Corporation - Los Angeles, California
Subject: Saddamn Joke
...Have you noticed that Saddamn Hussein showed up at
EXACTLY the same time that Salmon Rushdie disappeared?
(pass it on to the Ayatollahs)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: IEIE136@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu (Rajul Tank)
Q. What is common between Saddam and Dukakis
A. They both couldn't believe they were loosing to Bush
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Subject: Saddam Hussein, Bush and Mitterand in a bar...
From: jack@cwi.nl
George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in
a bar, drinking and bragging.
GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York
below me.
FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of
Paris below me as well.
SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad
below me...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 1991 19:18:30 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Sounds reasonable to me!
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
Attendants at a service station in Eunice, Louisiana, handed more than
$100 to a naked man who claimed to have a gun in his pocket.
------------------------------
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: Strange, to say the least
To: spaf
Religious Commune Vanishes
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP)
A commune of about 150 people led by Tony Alamo, a flamboyant
country singer-turned-evangelist, has joined him on the run.
The group's Ozark foothills compound was buzzing with activity
when federal and local authorities raided it Feb. 13.
Two days later, the compound's dormitories, apartments, cafeteria
and school were empty. So was the mausoleum where Alamo's wife,
Susan, was interred after she died of cancer in 1982 and Alamo's
efforts to resurrect her failed.
Alamo, 56, has been a fugitive for more than two years, though
marshals last week received Scripture-laden facsimile messages
purportedly from him.
Authorities acknowledged being surprised that so many people would
have disappeared so quickly after the raid on the commune 116 miles
north of Little Rock.
But Marshal Jake Patterson said the group, founded in the 1960s
with young runaways and other street people recruited in Los Angeles,
won't be missed.
"That's not our way of life in this part of the state or this part
of the country, so I think a majority of the people are glad to see
it go," he said in a recent interview.
The FBI wants Alamo (pronounced ah-LAH-moe) on a charge of
unlawful flight to avoid prosecution. He disappeared after being
charged with child abuse in California in October 1988.
The charges were filed after an 11-year-old boy told authorities
that Alamo ordered four men to beat him with a paddle 140 times.
The U.S. Marshals Service also wants Alamo for contempt of court
and failure to appear, stemming from a U.S. Department of Labor
ruling that his religious sect violated fair labor laws..
The Internal Revenue Service revoked his group's tax-exempt status
in 1985 and seeks $7.9 million in back taxes. Another $1.8 million is
sought to satisfy a judgment in favor of six former followers for
violations against them.
Federal and local authorities who raided the commune seized cash,
vehicles, horses, electronic equipment, tools and more than 1,500
hand-painted, rhinestone-studded denim jackets produced there. The
property will be sold at auction to satisfy the $1.8 million judgment.
The raid also turned up thousands of tape recordings of sermons
and songs by Alamo.
Alamo's whereabouts remain unknown, but last week marshals
received a Scripture-filled facsimile message signed, "Tony Alamo,
World Pastor," that advised, "Listen to my tapes for very important
information concerning yourself and others like you."
Someone claiming to be Alamo also recently telephoned the
Southwest Times Record newspaper in Fort Smith and told a reporter he
had Susan Alamo's body.
He vowed that U.S. District Judge Morris Arnold of Fort Smith
"will stand before me in my court" and said the judge "should be
hanged as a traitor." Arnold was presiding judge in the labor case.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 09:04 EST
From: MANMATHA@cs.umass.EDU
Subject: Whats in a name?!
>From the Boston Globe Feb 4, 1991, pg 30
What's in Saddam's Name
Anyone who heard Harry Shearer's biting impersonation of President
Bush's incorrect pronunciation of Saddam Hussein's name recently on
National Public Radio might be interested to know that the mis-
pronunciation might be intentional. Linguistics experts tell New York
magazine that the name Saddam has two distinctly different meanings,
depending where the accent is placed. With the accent correctly
placed on the second syllable, Saddam means "learned one" or "leader".
But a native Egyptian says that the way that George Bush pronounces
Saddam gives the name a very vulgar meaning. He says that when
"Saddam" rhymes with "Adam" the word means "a boy who fixes or cleans
old shoes". It's the dirtiest possible insult in some parts of the
Arab world but you have to have had spent years on the streets of
Cairo or Alexandria to know it.
[The Kuwaiti ambassador (US or UN, I forget which) was interviewed on
CNN today, and in all but one case he pronounced "Saddam" with the
accent on the second syllable. When they got to talking about the
reports of atrocities, he very clearly put the accent on the first
syllable. -CC]
------------------------------
From: cj@modernlvr.wpd.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
durrell@umaxc.weeg.uiowa.edu (Cyberpixie) writes:
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to see?
I want to use that style to write technical manuals for
products in development.
"If this engineering decision is made, turn to page 40.
Otherwise, turn to page 62."
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End of Yucks Digest
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