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Yucks Digest V1 #21
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #21
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 16:47:58 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Wed, 13 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 21
Today's Topics:
Found at an air base in Eastern Saudi Arabia
Happy Valentine's Day
legal precedents
Nethack && life
QOTD
Re: The Ultimate Goof!
Story in alt.sex.bondage newsgroup
Valentine's Day
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 13 Feb 1991
From: many different sources
Subject: Found at an air base in Eastern Saudi Arabia
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DDDD ll
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D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss
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D D o o u u g g l a aa sss
D D o o u uu g gg l a a s
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AIRCRAFT -- SPACE SYSTEMS -- MISSILES
Important! Important!
PLEASE FILL OUT AND MAIL THIS CARD WITHIN 10 DAYS OF PURCHASE
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Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet our customers' needs.
1. __Mr. __Mrs. __Ms. __Miss __Lt. __Gen. __Comrade __Classified __Other
First Name____________________ Initial____ Last Name_________________________
Latitude________________________ Longitude___________________________________
Altitude________________________ Password or Code Name_______________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-19A Stealth __Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Catalog Showroom
_Mail Order
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
__Espionage
__Heard loud noise, looked up
__Store Display
__Recommended by friend/relative/ally
__Political lobbying by Manufacturer
__Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
__Style/Appearance
__Kickback/Bribe
__Recommended by salesperson
__Speed/Maneuverability
__Comfort/Convenience
__McDonnell Douglas Reputation
__Advanced Weapons Systems
__Price/Value
__Back-Room Politics
__Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
__North America
__Central/South America
__Europe
__Middle East
__Africa
__Asia/Far East
__Misc. Third-World Countries
__Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
PRODUCT OWN INTEND TO PURCHASE
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missile
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:
__Communist/Socialist
__Democratic
__Dictatorship
__Terrorist
__Crazed (Islamic)
__Crazed (Other)
__Neutral
__Corrupt (Latin American)
__Corrupt (Other)
__Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
__Cash
__Suitcases of Cocaine
__Oil
__Deficit Spending
__Personal Check
__Traveler's Check
__Credit Card
__Ransom Money
12. Occupation
YOU YOUR SPOUSE
Defense Minister/General
Mercenary
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Tyrant
Clerical
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Black Marketeer
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating:
ACTIVITY/INTEREST YOU YOUR SPOUSE
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Defaulting on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
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Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 15:18 EDT
From: "Robert M. Hamer" <HAMER@Ruby.VCU.EDU>
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day
To: yucks-request
>From the New Your Times, Feb 13:
The Time: Valentine's Day evening, 1990.
The Place: Alison on dominich, SoHo, New York City.
The Players: Two couples sitting at adjacent tables: one couple is
engaged, the other is about to become engaged.
The action as witnessed by restaurant personnel: The unengaged woman and
the engaged man lock gazes and make eyes at one another all evening long.
Later the restaurant manager confirms "love at first sight." The newly
attracted woman and man are spotted by the phones, exchanging telephone
numbers and making a date.
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Date: Tue, 12 Feb 91 13:37:45 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: legal precedents
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Fierro v. Hoel, Dec 27, 1990 Iowa Court of Appeals ruled:
The woman has to give back the engagement ring if the wedding does not
take place.
Most courts that have examined the question have said that ownership of
the ring hinges on who is a fault for the breakup. But, the Iowa Court
of Appeals adopted a "no fault" approach. Even though the man is not
likely to say so at the time, the judges ruled, both parties implicitly
accept the fact that an engagement ring is a conditional gift that becomes
legally final only when there is a wedding.
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Date: Tue, 12 Feb 91 13:02:56 EST
From: meo%valkyrie.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Nethack && life
To: spaf
Kent Paul Dolan (the network IS my life) posted this in talk.bizarre:
|
| izchak@linc.cis.upenn.edu (Izchak Miller) writes...
|> NetHack 3.0 Pactchlevel 10 was submitted to comp.sources.games today.
|
| v056ped5@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu writes:
|> My GPA just went in the corner and shot itself.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 11:21:00 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote Of The Day
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
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From: ERIC WEBB <EWZ%NCCIBM1.BITNET@UICVM.uic.edu>
Subject: Re: The Ultimate Goof!
To: Tom Reid <reid@ctc.contel.com>
Anecdote break!
Remember what Calvin Hill told reporters after one asked him how he
felt about playing in the "ultimate" football game, the Super Bowl?
"If the Super Bowl is the ultimate game, why will we play it again next
year?"
I can't resist another Calvin Hill jewel. When asked after a rather
ugly Cowboy victory if he thought the Cowboys played well enough to
win, Calvin responded:
"Apparently."
Any surprise that Calvin attended Yale University? Of course his son
Grant may be smarter because he chose 1) to attend Duke and 2) to play
basketball instead of football.
And now, back to Windows.
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Date: 10 Feb 91 18:34:52 GMT
From: (null)
Subject: Story in alt.sex.bondage newsgroup
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage
This story is for real and it is consensual
(newpage here)
It is also very unusual
(newpage here)
It involves blood
(newpage here)
Are you sure you want to read this ?
(newpage here)
The Chair
I hadn't seen Kristen for about six months now. I had made my
appointment with her like I always do. Each time I meet her she takes
me to the chair, she tells me to sit down. She puts on her mask and
her gloves. She tells me that I did not follow her directions. She
tells me that I am going to get the treatment I really deserve. She
doesn't want to hurt me she says, but I was so bad that she can't help
it. Kristen does her magic with water. She has a special device that
shoots a thin strong stream of water at my sensitive areas. Each time
it touches me in a really sensitive spot I jerk in pain.
This time was different. I was late for my session with Kristen. I
arrived at her place. She told me to hurry into the room with the
Chair . I had tryed to remove my jacket but she told me there was no
time for that . She told me that I was late and that I should
anticipate a more vigorous session.
She directed me to the chair. I sit in it. She does not have to tie
me in. The power of her presence and my ancient promise of cooperation
lock me in. She readies her water tools. I know the routine by now and
open myself to her. She begins.
First in regions adjacent to the sensitive ones. I feel the water
throbbing on my flesh. I see her turn up the pressure. My anticipation
and fear grows. I know her next action, she never changes her routine.
She turns up the pressure some more , I feel pain and I know that she
has spilled blood. I don't see it but I know by the expression on her
face, the sparkle in her eyes. Next she begins to slowly move the
water weapon to her target. The routine as usual. She allows me to see
her beautiful breasts, those breasts that attracted me to her the
first time, before I realized what I had gotten myself into. Now it
was too late. I feel a jolt of pain ripple across my body. I know I am
bleeding. But I know this is only the beginning. My anticipation turns
to fear. I know that within seconds..
(newpage here)
I scream in pain, my body jolts, my blood flows.
Kristen stops. She says that this all she is going to do today and I will
have to come back for more in a few months. She gives me an order. This is
the order I have waited for and dreaded. This is the order she always gives
me at the end of our sessions. It is the order I always disobey and the
order she continually punishes me for...
(newpage here)
Use dental floss more regularly and we won't have to hurt you so much.
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Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 16:37:18 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: Valentine's Day
To: yucks-request
So, someone asked me if I was getting my wife flowers for Valentine's
Day.
I thought about it.
What kind of sick person would commemerate the birthday of the
martyred patron saint of thieves by gifting his loved one with a bunch
of dying, severed sexual organs of plants? Sounds preey kinky to
me.
A romantic at heart,
--spaf
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End of Yucks Digest
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