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In the news

It's distressing to me how the mainstream press never reports the
really interesting stories about what is going on in the world.  Yes,
I'm referring to all the things that get reported in those
journalistic triumphs they have in the racks next to the supermarket
checkout lines.  

One of my favorites is the "Weekly World News".  This is to the NY
Times roughly like SCTV is to Dan Rather (or is that as Dan Rather is
to SCTV?).  I try to read an issue every few weeks just to keep the
"serious" news from overwhleming me.

In this week's issue (the one with the headline "Human Head Kept
Alive!", we have stories about:

   *  How police in Virginia Beach arrested a woman for littering when
she let melting ice cream from a cone drip into the street.
 
   * How somebody in Connecticut is suing someone else for falling on him
while having a heart attack.

   * The story of the Cornell student who fell off the cliff onto a
raccoon (previously reported to this list) -- and both survived.

   * How drug-sniffing dogs are dying because they will snort up fatal
doses of the drugs they find unless restrained in time.

   * How time travelers from the 21st century have been visiting Incan
ruins in Peru.

   * The world's pokiest secretary (she never learned to type -- she
uses the hammers from the typewriter by hand, dipping each in ink and
pressing them to the letter).

   * How a study found that beer bellies are a sign of pride in the South.

However, there are three major stories I believe require more than a
one-line summary:

The first is how researchers in Europe believe that vampires are/were
AIDS victims and spread the disease.  Two German doctors conclude
that the symptoms of a vampire attack -- rapid weight loss, profound
fatigue, high fever, and bruises -- are really signs of AIDS infection.
This, of course, is illustrated with a picture of George Hamilton from
his role in "Love at First Bite."   Be sure to question the history of
anyone offering to give you love bites....

The second story is about a doctor in Dresden, Germany, named Gerhard
Kohler.  It seems he was ostracized by his colleagues for trying
experiments where he implanted "microchips" in people's brains to
control them.  Dr. Kohler disappeared after his wife died in a car
accident and "...paramedics at the scene of the crash reported that a
portion of the dead woman's skull was caved-in, revealing what
appeared to be electronic circuitry inside her head."   His wife's
body subsequently disappeared from the morgue, as did Dr. Kohler's
files.  Police in Germany are seeking him for questioning.  No doubt,
so are TV producers in Hollywood:  "She not only did windows, but she
had pull-down menus!"

The third story is perhaps the most interesting.  It tells of a couple
in Cape Town, South Africa, who spied on a neighbor for weeks and
concluded that he was a space alien.  The neighbor disappeared before
he could be questioned by authorities.  The couple claim to have
observed their neighbor:
   * Drink chlorine bleach straight from the jug  (developing a
"Clorox gut" much admired in Dixie, of course)
   * Sleep standing up  (an ex-roommate once did this while teaching class)
   * Take air and soil readings with sophisticated electronic
instruments at least once a week
   * Discipline his daughter with a hand-held laser (dang kids these days)
   * Glisten like aluminum foil when he stood in the sun
   * Preferred static to music on the radio (people unfamiliar with
the sound of Milli Vanilli often make this claim)
   * Graze on his own shubbery (why do you think he was making the
soil & air measurements?)
   * Was terrified of water and once screamed when he got caught in
the rain  (I went to school with a guy like this)

Of course, I'm not sure how these guys fit into apartheid.  Sadly, I
bet if they continue their intake of bleach, they'll get more rights
than the non-white humans unfortunate enough to live there.

It just goes to show, the more things change, the more they stay insane.